CHAPTER 18: THE BREAK UP TO MAKE UP CLICHÉ

THE BREAK UP TO MAKE UP CLICHÉ: From the opening montage of the 1940's "The Philadelphia Story," it's clear that ex-husband C.K. Dexter Haven (played by Cary Grant) is the last man on earth that Katherine Hepburn's Tracy Lord would ever consider remarrying. She even gets engaged to another guy just to drive the point home, before realizing that she really wanted Cary Grant all along – something moviegoers were on board with from the opening credits.

MORAL: Adding Cary Grant to the mix is definitely stacking the deck, but given that most of us bat 50-50 at best when it comes to second chances, is it any wonder we root for our fiction favorites to have better luck?

Atem woke up and turned his phone on. He worked his way through the flood of texts and voice messages. He reread and re-listened to them, savoring each one. Kaiba asked if Atem was okay, he asked if Atem was mad, he asked if Atem was talking to him. He didn't ask what Atem was doing next or if he was coming home. He didn't refer to the fight.

Atem felt like he'd been handed a new Puzzle. Kaiba's panic came through each text, each frantic voicemail. It soothed something in Atem, reminded him this was something they both wanted. He might have failed in his first big decision and disappointed Yugi with his second, but Kaiba hadn't given up. Atem still mattered.

He texted Kaiba, avoiding the emojis that usually peppered his words and sometimes replaced them, focusing on the basics: he was fine, he wasn't mad, he'd needed time to think. It felt good sending it. He put on his brocaded shirt and shendyt-like skirt and looked in the mirror. The shirt sagged in some places and was tight in others. It seemed to have shortened overnight. The sharp pleats of the skirt had softened; the hem dipped unevenly. Atem breathed a sigh of relief. They might be a little worse for wear after his attempt at washing them, but they were his. Atem smiled. It was time to go home.

Yugi woke up. They ate breakfast together, then Yugi went to school for his first day. Yugi tried not to look reproachful; Atem tried not to feel guilty.

After Yugi left, Atem went with Sugoroku to get the store ready to open for the day.

"Kaiba was here this morning," Sugoroku said.

"He was?"

"He wanted to talk to you. He decided 6:00 in the morning was a good time to head over. I figured it wouldn't hurt him to cool his jets a little."

Atem smiled ruefully. "He's not the only one. I needed to get away and now I want to go back. Does that make sense to you?"

"Does it make sense as an old man who's learned to treasure being alone? Or as a young one who cares deeply about someone they just had a fight with?"

Atem grinned. "The second, I guess."

Sugoroku shrugged. "One thing I've learned is that sometimes wanting isn't enough. Some things need to be accepted, not fought."

"How do you know which is which?"

"That's trickier. You can't know until you try."

"Do you think I'm making a mistake?" Atem asked.

"If you are, it's your mistake to make. That's the point, isn't it?"

Atem nodded.

Sugoroku grunted and pointed to the boxes the delivery van had dropped off that morning. "Well, since you're here, let's get to work. These shelves won't stock themselves."

Atem waited until Yugi got home from school. He couldn't leave without telling him. As soon as Yugi came in and took off his coat and shoes, Atem announced, "I'm going back home."

"This is your home," Yugi said. "Never forget that."

"I know. But it's not my only one." Atem paused, then admitted, "I miss him."

"What happened? You were so angry two days ago."

"You haven't seen all the different sides of him that I have, on so many different worlds."

Yugi paused, then said, "Just because you were happy with a different Kaiba on a different world, doesn't mean being with this Kaiba is the way to go."

Atem sighed. Yugi had always understood before and now he didn't. It wasn't Yugi's fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It still felt unfair. "Kaiba was a jerk about it, but he said something I needed to hear."

"You were so mad you walked out on him!"

"You know how insufferable he can be. But my getting mad doesn't make what he was saying wrong. Look at how furious Kaiba was at Alcatraz. The last thing he wanted to do was listen to me."

Yugi nodded. "But he did."

"Yes. Now it's my turn. Kaiba challenged me. He didn't back down. That's friendship too."

Yugi tilted his head to one side. "I never thought of it like that. I just assumed that friends aways agree – and back each other up even when they don't."

"It's hard figuring out what you want when you have to do it day by day," Atem confessed. "Sometimes I miss limbo. Everything was simpler there."

Tears sprang into Yugi's eyes. He blinked them back. "You'd rather be there than here?" The question: "Would you rather be without me?" went unasked.

"No! Of course not!" Atem said, answering both questions. He sighed. "Everything was so clear when I was a part of you. I had no doubts, no questions, no choices. The after-life would have been the same. Perfect and perfectly static. I want to throw myself into living with all the mess and confusion it entails."

"Seeing you come back… it was a miracle."

"Maybe your grandfather was right. Even miracles take a little getting used to. Sometimes I miss the certainty of a pre-arranged path, even if I never want to walk it again." Atem smiled ruefully. "I think I understand why Kaiba's taken so many wrong turns, now. Sometimes it's hard to know what the right ones are, especially when you can't see where they lead." He stared into Yugi's eyes, his own as intense, as determined as ever. "Haven't you ever doubted – not an action or a word – but doubted as an elemental facet of life?"

Yugi met his stare. Atem needed him to be strong, just like at the Ceremonial Duel – although Yugi was no longer sure if he'd been weak or strong, a good friend or a bad one that day. "You have friends, Atem. Focus on that and we'll see you through, just like you've always done for us."

Atem didn't answer. Kaiba believed in destroying uncertainty, as though facing it in a death match, where only he or his doubts could survive. Yugi acknowledged uncertainty existed, but relegated it to the sidelines. Neither his rival nor his partner had any advice for how to invite it in – how to welcome it – instead.

Yugi raised his chin. "If this is what you need to do, go for it. It doesn't matter if I get it or not. It's your life and you've never let anything stop you yet."

"I won't," Atem promised as he hugged Yugi good-bye.

Atem headed for the mansion, his heart lighter with each step. When had saying goodbye to Yugi started to feel natural? Why did rushing back to Kaiba make him feel in sync with the world, like he was racing towards a self-chosen destiny? Something had shifted within the cosmos – or within himself – and Atem was scrambling to keep up.

It was early evening when he arrived back at the mansion. As he approached the gates, he realized he should have texted, but he was let in without a word. He was surprised when Mokuba met him at the door.

"Why are you back? For your stuff?" Mokuba asked.

Atem raised an eyebrow. While cool, Mokuba's tone wasn't overtly hostile. "I miss your brother."

"Is this going to happen again?"

"I hope not. I'm not sure how it happened in the first place. I walked in the door and the next moment we were screaming at each other."

Mokuba's eyes widened. "A little yelling freaked you out? Haven't you guys ever listened to yourselves when you duel?"

"I thought we left fighting like that behind at least eight worlds ago… well, not counting the beef in the one that was three, no four, worlds back."

"Atem! There's only one world now. This one. And I want my brother to be happy here. I don't care about any other versions. They can look after themselves."

"That's why we fought to get back, isn't it? One world, one life, one choice." Atem smiled. "Thank you for reminding me."

Mokuba stared as Atem blew past him, running into the mansion. "You're welcome, I guess."

Atem raced to the game room, assuming that's where he'd find Kaiba, probably with a glass of unwanted whiskey in his hand.

"You came back," Kaiba said blankly as Atem ran into the room. His hands were empty.

"Did you think I wouldn't?" Atem asked.

Kaiba shrugged. He went to the bar, poured himself a glass and raised it. "Hope, fear, expectation, experience… it's hard to tell which one was winning." He set the glass back on the bar, untasted. He surveyed Atem, taking in his bedraggled appearance. Atem was in the clothes he'd stormed out in. His shirt was stretched out of shape; his skirt hung in limp folds. Kaiba breathed a sigh of relief. Atem was in his own clothes, the ones he'd modeled for Kaiba when they'd visited the pier together, when he'd captured Kaiba in a perfect moment of happiness.

Atem tugged at the uneven hem of his skirt. "I think I ruined my clothes."

"They're beautiful," Kaiba said hoarsely. "No… you're beautiful." Staring at Atem in his wonderful, wrecked outfit, hope started to pull ahead. It lent Kaiba the strength to ask, "Why are you here?"

"Because I want you. I want this." Atem was tempted to reach for an undrinkable glass of whiskey just to have something to do with his hands.

"I missed you," Kaiba mumbled.

"This whole time, I kept hoping that somehow we'd wind up back in limbo," Atem said. "I wanted us to be back together. I didn't even stop to think resetting the board would mean throwing away everything we've seen and done here, as well. I don't want to do that. I want to build on it instead."

"In between waiting for the world to reset, I kept wondering what that other, older pair would have done," Kaiba admitted. "What did they know that we don't?"

"Who cares?"

"We saw a roadmap to our future!" Kaiba exclaimed, waving his arms.

"No! We saw a roadmap to their future, not ours. There are no other worlds, not for us. No other Atems! No other Setos!"

Kaiba threw back his head and laughed. "Do you have so many memories, you don't mind chucking a few aside? Believe me, nobody gets it better. I spent years trying to stamp out my own footprints and only succeeded in driving them in deeper." Kaiba shrugged. "They're your memories; it's your decision what fool's course you want to run down. But they're part of us." Kaiba's chuckle was gentler now, more self-mocking. "Mokuba was afraid by the time I was done deleting them, I'd forget him. I never understood that before." His face hardened, his eyes frosted over. "You're the one who keeps insisting the past matters. And yet, the only memory you're willing to destroy is the one we share with each other and no one else."

"I'm not! But I've been an 'other me' enough times for several lifetimes. I'm determined to walk my own road." Atem stopped short and laughed. "Did we manage to switch places in limbo – or do we just understand each other better? My head is cluttered with Atems who aren't me, with choices I didn't make. And the only choice that matters is this: I'm the one that wants to fight our way through life at your side." Atem sighed. "And yet, you're right, too. Those memories are part of me and I can't decide by fiat that part of me doesn't exist." He smirked. "All I have to do is look at you to see what a disaster that move is. I'm perfectly capable of making my own mistakes. I don't need to borrow yours."

Kaiba lifted his glass in salute, took a swig, winced and set it down.

Atem raised an eyebrow. "You can stop drinking whiskey just because he did. It's okay if you never acquire the taste."

"I always believed my choices were the only ones I could have made. No matter how bad things got, at least I had that." Kaiba ran his hand through his hair. "But now…" Kaiba shrugged. "I saw a world where I was free of my anger and hatred. And it wasn't because my parents had lived or because I was a baseball player. Nothing had changed but me. I want that for myself."

Atem smiled. "I loved the idea I could be anything: a girl, a baseball player, an uncle to a pair of imps. You once said that the future was infinite and I want to join it."

"Those other versions of ourselves… of me…" Kaiba hung his head. "I'm jealous of them. I feel like I'm falling farther behind when I should be catching up, no, surpassing them."

"Seto, you're the one that I want. I wouldn't know what to do with a perfect, wiser Seto." Atem's impish grin broke out. "Then I'd have to be a perfect, wiser Atem."

"You are perfection," Kaiba said hoarsely.

"Never change your mind."

"I never will," Kaiba vowed.

Atem walked up to Kaiba, stood on tip-toes and kissed him. Kaiba's arms came up around him. Atem rubbed his head against Kaiba's chest. "Before, when things got bad, we could blame it on some other, worse version of ourselves screwing everything up."

Kaiba leaned the top of his head on Atem's. "And now we have to acknowledge that we are those worse versions. And we can't count on a trip back to limbo where we can talk things out."

"It took me days to figure it out: we don't need limbo."

"Sounds like a challenge to me." Kaiba walked back to the bar, picked up an envelope and shoved it at Atem, his movements imprecise for once.

Atem opened it and pulled out a bunch of documents. "I don't understand."

"If you really want to go to high school, you're going to need to be enrolled. You're also going to need an updated birth certificate and passport and all the rest. I'll have to delete your Driver's License, since you're no longer old enough to drive in Japan." Kaiba shrugged. "At the moment, there are two of you again, at least officially. Tell me which you to erase."

Atem hugged the papers to himself. His high school enrollment letter fell, unnoticed to the floor. He stared at Kaiba, numbly. "Why?"

"I once told you that if God stands in your way, mow him down. That applies to me as well."

Atem grinned, glad to see that Kaiba's ego had survived their fight.

Kaiba scowled. "I still think it's a stupid idea, but it's your stupid idea. I promised to let you go your own way. I didn't live up to it."

"And I promised to think for myself. I didn't." It was so much easier for Atem to admit when they weren't screaming at each other. "I don't want to go to high school. I can keep my friends without following them in everything. I let myself be pulled along as though I was still in the Puzzle. I don't know what to do with my life, now that I have one, so I ran through the first door that opened." Atem shook his head. "I felt like there were only two choices: go along with the gang or drift in isolation forever. I forgot there was a third choice: figure things out for myself, no matter how long it takes. Once I had time and quiet, I realized that." He laughed, quietly. "Why is it so much easier to fight with you than against everyone else's expectations?"

"I don't know, but I'm glad," Kaiba said.

"Why?"

"Because I never want you to be less than yourself, to give in, not even to me," Kaiba said with sudden ferocity.

Atem smirked. "I can think of ways I'd love to give in to you."

Kaiba didn't respond. It was slowly sinking in: Atem had returned. He'd been with Yugi and all his friends. It had been just like old times; he'd probably been the center of their group. He'd chosen to come home. Kaiba hadn't lost, at least, not yet. "You're really back," Kaiba said as if repeating the words would help him believe.

"What are you going to do about it?" Atem purred his question.

Kaiba's reaction was automatic. He grabbed Atem, twined one hand in the mass of Atem's hair, holding him in place as he devoured Atem's mouth. He used his other hand to push Atem closer, until only their clothes were a barrier. He tore off Atem's bedraggled shirt, headed towards the couch, then changed his mind. He picked up Atem and raced for the stairs. He wanted Atem in his bed… in their bed… in his lair, with his stained-glass dragons beaming down on them.

He made it to the stairs when Atem whispered in his ear, "You can put me down. I promise to come quietly."

"You've never been quiet yet," Kaiba said as they staggered up the stairs and into Kaiba's bedroom. Kaiba kicked the door shut and tossed Atem on the bed. Atem wiggled out of his ruined skirt and underwear. Kaiba divested himself of his coat. He stumbled towards the bed, shedding the rest of his clothes in a trail behind him.

Once Kaiba was on their bed, with Atem naked beneath him, Kaiba froze again. Atem had come back. But Kaiba was still the same arrogant, angry jerk Atem had walked out on. He frowned, poised above Atem, his blue eyes suddenly clouded with doubt.

Atem had come back. Did that mean they were back on track to a future Atem didn't believe in? Or that there was no roadmap, no milestones to winning Atem's heart? No guarantee this wouldn't happen again? Kaiba gasped, trying to force air into lungs suddenly too stiff to expand, crushed by the weight of moving forward without a plan.

Atem reached up to cup Kaiba's face, to guide Kaiba to look down at him. "I'm here, Seto. We can talk all we need to tomorrow. Let's celebrate each other tonight."

Kaiba nodded slowly. His breathing eased, returned to normal, then quickened as he stared at Atem's naked form. Kaiba dropped his head to Atem's body, traversing it with his mouth, licking, teasing, sucking, biting… leaving a line of dark ovals down Atem's neck and torso, creating second, slightly larger areolas around each nipple.

It was a new game. Kaiba wanted to make Atem twist on the bed, he wanted to make Atem moan. Kaiba wanted to hear Atem scream his name, drowning out the voices telling him he was never going to be enough.

His hands roamed over Atem's body, relearning it, reclaiming it, inside and out. Kaiba breathed in every gasp, every moan, every frenzied clutch at the sheets, as if it was oxygen… necessary and ready to set everything ablaze. Kaiba's grin turned feral. Atem was lying beneath him, willing, waiting, wanting. Kaiba drove forwards, needing to possess Atem, to merge with him, thrusting in time to the drumbeat in his head: he's back, he's here.

Atem screamed Kaiba's name, over and over. Kaiba felt tears prickling behind his eyes as he neared his climax, as Atem stiffened under him, as Kaiba gratefully surrendered to an Atem who was indisputably his, finding release as he yelled Atem's name in return, sealing a covenant that consisted solely of those two hoarsely shouted words.

Kaiba collapsed on top of Atem, then rolled over on his back, dragging Atem on top of him. Atem covered his face with feather soft kisses that should have tickled but felt like a benediction, instead.

"You came back," Kaiba whispered.

"I came back from limbo, too," Atem reminded him.

Kaiba nodded, then shook his head, trying to put his thoughts in order. "You came back from limbo with me. This time, you came back to me."

"The act of choosing was the same both times. And tomorrow, I'll wake up and choose you all over again, even on the mornings when I'm still pissed off from the night before."

Kaiba nodded, suddenly too tired and peaceful to talk. He reached down and pulled the blankets over them. Atem nuzzled Kaiba's neck as Kaiba drifted off to sleep: two small mammals safe in their burrow.

Atem opened his eyes to a world more opaque than when his lids had been closed, surrounded by a darkness so profound it consumed everything it touched. It was like drowning in tar, except he'd be able to feel the hot stickiness of tar as it flowed over him, as it snuck in to fill his lungs when he screamed. And he was screaming now. There was no sound. He wasn't drowning in fire, he was being snuffed out, as gently, as casually as a candle flickering into darkness as it ran out of fuel. He was the sand dribbling out of an hourglass that was never going to be turned over and renewed, the shadow on a sundial, moving slowly, inexorably, towards its own oblivion. Kaiba's death simulation chamber had been kinder. He'd had monsters for company.

Atem was crying without tears, wearing his vocal cords sore with his soundless, unheard pleas. A drumbeat that he'd failed pounded ceaselessly inside his ears, almost welcome in the vacuum that surrounded him.

He sat up with a gasp. The soul-destroying void softened to the familiar darkness of Kaiba's bedroom. As he gasped for breath, dim light filtered into the room from the track lights above the bed, as soft and comforting as a blanket. He glanced at Kaiba. He was laying on his back. His eyes were open. Kaiba reached out and softly stroked Atem's back.

"I don't know what happened." Atem shuddered. "I was imprisoned in this horrifying void; I could feel myself being eaten by its mindless emptiness. Then suddenly, miraculously, I could breathe. I could move. The void vanished and delivered me here."

"You had a nightmare."

Atem drew in a breath. "Of course. I remember nightmares, now. But that was 3,000 years ago. I'd forgotten."

"More proof that memory is overrated," Kaiba observed.

"It was like a penalty game." Atem hung his head. "I never faced one of those either."

"No, it's not," Kaiba contradicted. "Nightmares aren't duels, where we put everything we are – our minds, our pride, our souls – into the match, where we can believe the things we learn there, because we've paid the price of the lesson."

Atem shuddered. "It was a warning, a portent of the future. Does it mean that the gods have taken back their blessing? Have I proven unworthy?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Kaiba's voice cut through Atem's rising panic. "Nightmares are the random misfirings of our synapses, turning each day's doubts and fears into holograms. The only power our nightmares have is the power we cede to them, and I refuse to give my nightmares more than their due."

Atem drew in a breath. "The gods would not extend mercy only to take it back."

"Whatever works."

"Maybe the holograms in my brain were reminding me that none of us know how long life lasts, how long we'll be remembered afterwards." He paused. "I felt so empty, so alone. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of… that with one wrong choice, everything will disappear." Atem smiled ruefully. "But as long as I'm alive, there are no absolutes. Even if I'd gone to school with Yugi and I'd hated it, I could have left. All I'd have had to do was admit I was wrong and ask you to redo my documents." Atem shook his head. "I couldn't imagine a fate worse than acknowledging I didn't know the way."

Kaiba grunted.

Atem smirked. "Just like you weigh every step as if the wrong one will lead you off a cliff."

Kaiba grunted again.

"Thank you for turning on the lights," Atem said, settling down beside Kaiba again.

"The room did it."

"What?

"The room analyzes sleep patterns. Increases in your breathing, heart rate and random movements, as well as sweat accumulation, indicated a nightmare. The room automatically increases the lighting in response."

Atem leaned on an elbow and scanned Kaiba. The room's programming had to predate Atem's arrival. Kaiba's face was pale in the dim light, his hair tousled and lank, as if he too, had been tossing in his sleep. "You were already awake when I woke up."

"Yes."

"I'm not the only one who had a nightmare tonight, am I?"

Kaiba closed his eyes, reliving being torn to shreds by his own duel monsters. Atem had laughed before walking away and leaving him to die. "It's nothing I haven't had before."

"Do you get used to them?"

"Yes. That doesn't help though."

Atem nodded. "One of our first days in limbo… you cut yourself. You said you were testing two theories. You were trying to see how real limbo was – that's the theory you admitted to. What was the other one?" Atem's eyes narrowed. "You wanted to see my reaction. You wanted to know if I'd let you go on hurting yourself."

Kaiba drew in a breath.

"You wanted to know if I cared if you lived or died."

"You were ready to leave me for the after-life without a word," Kaiba reminded him.

"So, you were trying to even the score? To abandon me in an endless limbo, even worse than the Puzzle, because I'd be aware of the passage of time?"

Kaiba held up his hands in acknowledgement. "I couldn't see past my own pain and anger at being discarded again. Why does an attack so often feel like self-defense?"

"Until you see the blood on the floor," Atem said.

"That's what I dreamed about," Kaiba admitted. "It's not new."

"Thank you, Seto."

"I don't want to hide anymore, not from the person…" Kaiba began.

"Who's always seen me," Atem finished in agreement.

.

Thanks to Bnomiko for betaing this chapter!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have to admit I love the idea of Atem showing up at Yugi's in this ridiculously expensive outfit with special care instructions for cleaning and then proceeding to wash it in the sink or in a washing machine and wring it out before hanging it up to dry, ruining it in the process.

Stay safe everyone!

SOCIAL MEDIA NOTE: I am on Tumblr, Dreamwidth and Pillowfort as Nenya85. Come check me out there!

To paraphrase Louise Rosenblatt, "A story's just ink on the page until a reader comes along to give it life." This is my way of saying that I'd really like to hear what you think. Please comment.