Authors Note: I acknowledge I have no ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210 characters or canon, the rest well yeah that's mine.
Chapter Five: New Year's Eve
We don't speak while I burp our son. Eventually, Art starts putting his head down on my shoulder. Once he is asleep I move him against my chest so he is more comfortable in his slumber.
"He doesn't do that usually."
I look up at the mother of my son and whisper, "Doesn't what?"
"You've been holding him for half an hour, his limit is usually fifteen minutes with everyone besides me." She smiles at me. "I guess now I'm going to have to share that honour with his Dad."
I like that, my son has known me for not even two hours but has already given me something only granted to his mum. On some instinctive level, he knows me. I lean down and kiss his head. Speaking softly to not wake my little guy I ask, "Can you tell me everything?"
"Everything?"
"Yeah, everything I missed. I want to know it all. The first time you heard his heartbeat, first kick, your labor, the first time you heard him cry, his first bath, first smile, first squeal- everything. Bren I want to see pictures of you pregnant, I want to know if he's ever had a runny nose or a temperature. I want all that knowledge in your head. I want to know everything you know as well." I don't add everything I was denied, because intellectually I understood she had to protect him and herself, but to reconcile with the loss of all that was another thing entirely. It hurt, and it would be a hurt that I'd carry forever. The loss of those pregnancy months, being with her at the birth, and the loss of his first three months were moments I could never get back.
She looks at her watch, "Okay well it's almost four and I'm starving, so shall I order some food? It sounds like I'm going to be here a while as I have a lot to tell you." She gives me a smile letting me know she is happy to stay.
Nearly two hours later we had made it through a late lunch or early dinner, had gone through the details of her pregnancy and cried over the birth of our son. I had a new love and respect for my brother and had found out why Steve was also deserving of that title from me. Bren's highlight of the story was when I found out how difficult it was to eat whilst holding a sleeping baby. Having been disappointed in the lack of spit-up she was happy to see me hit this parenting milestone. She was also thrilled when my son decided to wake up crying due to his need for a diaper change, another milestone that required a photograph to capture.
When I had finally managed to change him and he was calm, Bren laid out his baby blanket on the couch and then a few of his soft toys. She then moved back to her armchair with the camera in easy reach. "Art, do you think that is your Mummy's subtle way of saying we should play together?" He garbles right back. After fifteen minutes of playing, I ask a question I'm not sure how she'll respond to. "Would it be possible if you both could spend the night? I just don't want him out of my sight yet and I'd like to experience it all. If it's too much here maybe I could stay at your house, though I can only imagine how Jim is feeling about me currently."
She's quiet for a long time then picks up the phone. I only hear her side of the conversation but once she has explained that she and Art will be staying here for the night with one of her parents she then asks to speak to Brandon. She's checking if he needs his car back straight away or if she can go and grab a change of clothes and the travel cot first. He must volunteer to bring them over as a few moments later she is telling him to just bring her carry-on and the cot, that she has spare everything in there in case they lost her and Art's luggage today.
I smile and look at my son, "Sorry kid you are definitely not going to be the kid with sticky hands, you may also be the label child- lunchbox, drink bottle, backpack all with your name clearly labelled. I'll make you a deal though if you put up with your mum's crazy organisation and clean freak ways until at least grade one I'll help you secretly peel them off in grade two. Mummy should be less nervous about you being at school at that stage, and it won't have damaged your rep too much by then."
"Are you quite finished over there?" Busted. I look up to see her unamused face. She moves over to our son and crouches by the futon, "Baby you don't listen to Daddy he is a slob, comes from years of too many maids and turndown service. You may look like Daddy but you are going to be neat like Mummy aren't you?" He smiles big at his mum and then squeals in delight when she blows him a kiss.
"I'd call you a traitor son but Mummy's kisses are the best." I then tickle his stomach earning me my own squeal. Brenda stays close, giving me precious moments with my family within arms reach. A few minutes later our time is interrupted by a knock on the door. Bren goes to answer it while I pick up my son who looks worried when Bren leaves his sight. As I hold him close I whisper in his ear, "I was enjoying our family moment too."
From the door comes a booming voice, "Where's the Water King?" I stand up and turn to face Steve. "Holy shit he's like your clone, little sis you gave birth to your ex."
He gets a tap on the back of the head, "Don't swear in front of your nephew." And then she hits him again, "and that's for making the last part sound gross." My son squeals in delight.
I chuckle, "Mummy's pretty funny isn't she buddy, especially when she's putting your uncle in line." He smiles up at me and then taps my chin with his little hand. "Art you want to go say hi?" I bring him over to the door, Steve holds out his arms to take him.
"Come on McKay, share baby McKay." I only hand him over because it's the first time I've thought about him being a McKay. Bren could've used Walsh or hyphenated his name but instead, she chose mine, guaranteeing he'd always be seen as my son. She was incredible. Leaving Steve to make funny faces at my son I move over to my other brother.
"Hey, Man. Thanks for bringing this stuff over."
"Anything for my sister and nephew." Subtle Brandon, he was clearly unhappy that my family would be spending the night here, I guess this was in the too-close zone for him. Since our Thanksgiving conversation on campus, we had gotten back to somewhat of the usual relationship we had maintained since my father's death. Though Bren was a conversation completely off limits now, even a casual referencing would set his anger off. Even without my son, his anger was justified but with him and the pregnancy struggles his twin had faced I'm surprised he was even this cordial. He ignores me and returns to his sister. "Mum wanted me to bring over your blood pressure monitor."
"I'm guessing not as a paperweight."
"No, I think Cindy thought you would use it, you know to check and make sure the afternoon hadn't elevated it." Bren rolls her eyes.
"Fine I need to monitor and record the levels in the morning and evening anyway for my Doctor so it's helpful to have it here." Her brother gives her a look, she takes the bag from his hand and shakes her head then walks to the dining table grumbling. "Cindy wanted it checked- yeah right, more like my anal retentive twin." She looks over and sees that the three of us have moved closer to her leading to another eye roll. "Art Baby this right here," she points to the three of us, "is not how you are supposed to behave, please do not follow your uncle's or Dad in learning this mother hen behaviour."
Before Brandon could jump in I speak to Art, "Son on this one don't listen to your Mother. A healthy Mummy is essential." My son smiles at me.
"Traitor." Art squeals in delight at his mother's exaggerated noise.
Once she had finished checking she showed her brother, "See the same range it has been all week."
"Which is slightly up from the two weeks before that." What? I turned to look at her; she hadn't told me that.
"Which is still very close to what it has been, and is low considering the nature of the last week." She stands and walks to her twin, "I'm fine, my Doctor took the slight elevation as a very positive sign. When you take into account everything, well if it didn't go up from this it's safe to say I'm on the mend. Twin, you'll have to find something else to worry about soon, maybe finding a love life?" He kisses her forehead.
"Bren I think he is still burnt from the professor's wife."
"Steve, don't get me started on that grossness." She then sent her honorary brother a mischievous smile. "Did I tell you I've signed up for her female studies class this semester?"
Steve cracks up, "We have to work on your one-liners and the comedy timing is going to be everything in those lessons."
"Great Lucie and Fred are back together, the only perk of you being in Minnesota was the separation of you two." She walks over to Steve who slings his arm over her shoulder, proud that Brandon appears genuinely put out by the reunion.
"You're only saying that because you were the target of our fun but now we have McKay to harass with our comedy gold. Bren, is it too soon for knocked-up jokes?"
"Give him a week then as long as the mummy and the baby are left out of it, I say go nuts!"
Steve loses it then, and Brenda quickly takes our son. "Go nuts! Comedy medal-worthy. That should sit in the trophy cabinet alongside McKay's awarded swim team gold, earned even with his latex constraint." Brenda starts giggling and walks over giving me our son who was gurgling in delight at the two of them. "As a surfer McKay, you should realise it's the rips they get you every time." At that, she lost it and I could feel my cheeks warm.
I look at Brandon, "are they always like this together?"
"Sadly this is tame for them. Steve has managed to bring out her inner child, joker," he points at his sister and moves his finger around, "whatever this is."
They stop a few minutes later when Bren runs out of the room declaring that she can't take anymore due to the baby bladder. Watching them together reminded me of how light Bren used to be. That was the Bren who would dress up as a nineteen-fifties waitress and entertain crowds for hours on end, was a Robert Palmer girl at Hello Day, who was the Bonnie to my Clyde- since France she hadn't been that girl. It left me wondering how much my attitude on her return changed her.
Overnight I started complaining about attending dances, when for eighteen months previously I had relished any excuse to hold her all night and have fun. I got angry at her for wanting to discuss College, even when she wasn't asking for a commitment, just a bloody conversation. It was a commitment I begged her to make again to me for over three months the year prior. I stopped talking to her about how I was feeling. I stopped being there for her, even when the gang had so quickly abandoned her when she was misquoted. I had ganged up on her with Kelly for her smoking as if that was the worst habit either of us had picked up that summer. And that is what I had done when we were together. She must have had whiplash getting off that plane to a completely different partner.
"Jones?"
"Yeah, Brandon."
"You look a million miles away. If you aren't up for them staying tonight we can bring Bren back to the house, she won't mind." I held my son closer who after the laughter had started to find his fist delicious.
"No, they wouldn't ever leave if I had my way." In seconds his face morphs into a look of anger and Steve loses his jovial attitude and glares. Before either of them could speak I continued, "Don't. I completely get this is a mess of my own making and that I'm bloody lucky to be in her life. But in the space of an afternoon, I find out I have a son with the woman I love, and that I'll get to be in his life some of the time, and her's only as-"
Steve's aggressive tone cuts me off, "She's not going to keep you from him that's not who she-"
Is he fucking serious? He may have earned brother status but if he thinks he knows her better. "Steve I know exactly who she is, and it's not a criticism of her she has every right to not trust me. I just want all of the nights, mornings, and every moment with the two of them- my family! And from the get-go, I have to accept that it's not possible because of my stupid juvenile mistakes."
He gives a humourless laugh, "McKay I don't feel sorry for you. The shit you threw at her last year is one thing but to have seen her in the hospital bed petrified, making plans for potential scenarios where she wouldn't be around. Giving instructions to both of us to pass on to you, things she wanted said, apologies given to you," he shakes his head, she never mentioned that, she said it was bad but not bad to the point she had made plans. "Whatever peace she wants now, whatever is going to let her finally relax and enjoy life again, enjoy this time with her son- she gets. Honestly, you might miss out but this is Brenda we are talking about, the same girl who less than ten days after the park is inviting you into her home and taking care of you, putting your needs first. Inviting you and your new girlfriend to dinner to ensure you have nothing but support around you. And what does she get for it, abused by Kelly in the bathroom, and accused by your girlfriend that she likes the fact your father died and that she was happy for it. Even after that she still kept putting herself through the anger and the looks so she could support you, and well you know what she did for Kelly in that hospital room, that was for the both of you. Yeah McKay you are going to have pretty much unlimited access to the Fish King because that's who she is. She won't deny you anything that is in her capacity to give. If she is saying no then realise it's not something she is capable of, that she might finally need to set a limit."
What the fuck? We did that in the park, I did that, and then she is getting verbally abused in the bathroom for still being my family, being my biggest support during my Father's death. "Kelly did that? Said that to her?"
He gives me his cut-the-bullshit look. For a guy who is usually full of it his repulsion that I'd be ignorant to this behaviour is evident. "Don't act dumb! You and I know exactly what Kelly is capable of when she is threatened, and well the mere presence of Bren is a threat to her. I mean I'm right to assume she is the one who insisted on you both telling Brenda together that day? I mean you couldn't be trusted to do it alone just in case you changed your mind. No, a much better way is to gang up on her about choosing, then blindside her with the summer. I mean two years of a relationship to be disrespected that way, to have it finally end like that. Even you McKay have more style than that. Kelly knows how to pull her punches when she needs to. Make sure there was no option for you to backtrack, but you knew that. You've known us all since kindergarten. You know how she cuts people, know that she can be self-serving and play on your emotions to get what she wants. She may have the ability to make you feel like the most important person in the room, that she is light and giggles, but that illusion is quickly switched off when she is threatened."
"Dylan, seriously, when was the last time you cleaned that bathtub?" She comes and stops by the dining table picking up the tension in the room. "Everything okay here?" We nod. She gives a doubtful look and then goes to the baby bag pulling out items and ignoring us all. She then comes over and collects our son, "Come on Art you shouldn't be around whatever your Daddy and Uncle's are discussing." Then sends us a warning look. "Kiss your uncle's goodbye and wish them a happy new year then it's time for your bath." Both of her brothers kiss her and Art goodnight then she leaves the room.
I look at them both, "I didn't know. No, I chose not to tune into her, I chose to be in the dark, not to see it all. I wanted the light and giggles after fighting for so long. Two years and I still was not worthy, not good enough. You both know that it wasn't light or giggles and in the end, I proved Jim was right all along." It was a sobering thought, he won and he wasn't even playing the game, I set it up all by myself. "Look we are family forever now, and well one day I hope you both can let go of your justified anger. Bren's right though, till then let's just keep it between the three of us. Art doesn't need to know how rubbish his father is and his mother doesn't need to be reminded of how I ruined us, pretended it all meant nothing…" I look up to stop the heaviness in my eyes from falling. "Pretended that she meant nothing more than the others before her."
They were silent and then they both nodded accepting that my family would be spared having this knife hanging over every conversation we shared. That desolate feeling once again begins to find its' home in me, "I'm going to go and help learn to bath my son. Thanks for dropping this off and Happy New Year."
After seeing them out I followed the splashing sounds into the now spotless bathroom. Art was kicking his legs squealing in joy while Brenda was keeping a firm hold of him. "Thank god my back is killing me, come hold your son." I smile and swap places with her. Shit, this was uncomfortable.
"How the hell are you still able to walk after doing this daily for three months?"
She laughs, "I had a baby bath in Minnesota. It had built-in support for Art to rest on, and if he is in the big bath I'm usually in there with him." I close my eyes at the sweet scene that plays across my mind. "We'll have to cut his bath time tonight, it's too painful."
"He loves bath time?"
"He's a water baby."
"Is that why Steve references the water before using what I assume is his nickname King?" She blushes.
"You can ask Steve about his crazy names, and ideas." Oh, now I'm even more interested.
Art was having the best time kicking his little legs. If he loved the water then I wanted him to spend time in it; Bren wouldn't jump in there not with me around. "Can you hold him for a second please?"
She moves to replace me but I can hear her subtle grumbling of "soft" as she does. I quickly kick off my shoes and pull my shirt over my head. "Dylan?" I ignore her and undo my pants, I leave my underwear on. I then move into the bath and once settled I take over holding Art. That is much better. "You couldn't have changed in your room?"
"What would have been the fun in that?" She rolls her eyes and then leaves the room. Less than a minute later she is back taking pictures. I love that she wants all my firsts with our son captured. I move Art through the water on his back while he kicks his little legs and flaps his arms. "He does love the water doesn't he?"
"Yes I'd like to claim this character trait stems from the both of us." I give her my sceptical look. "Dylan it's not fair that you get everything." I laugh, she genuinely sounds put out.
"Hey, we could try again, go for a little Brenda next time?" She'd be amazing; a little smart, beautiful, funny, stubborn, dramatic girl. She'd rule the world. Her mother's eyes go big.
"I'm going to assume you are joking and not having delusions, though I'm the one who hasn't slept a full night in three months so I'm not sure what is the cause of yours." I bite my tongue, if I'd known that would be an honour we both would have shared, and if she moved in an honour we both could still share. She must pick up on my inner thoughts. "Sorry, I… you are being amazing with all this. I know how much has been taken from you both. Even if it wasn't my intention for it to ever go as long as it did, I can't even imagine how much it hurts. The longest I have ever been away from him was the anniversary party, and even then I capped it as a twelve-hour maximum."
I focus all of my attention on Art, afraid to catch a glimpse of her expression as I ask a question that has been playing on my mind all afternoon. "Do you wish you would have told me from the start? Before it became a medical need to avoid stress."
"Sometimes, but then I worry what would have happened being here trying to not be stressed. My parents, you, Kelly, my brothers, the rest of the gang. All the drama, fights, and accusations I would have had to go through and would still be going through when I was diagnosed. That is if Art would have been able to stay safe enough in there through all of that to get to twenty-one weeks."
I look up, "you don't think I'd have protected you both from that?" She looks at her hands.
Quietly she responds, "I'm sure you would have tried." Tried? There was a time she would have known she would be first. Even my mother had been advised from the get-go Brenda was off-limits. I had made a clear line with everyone. Willing to lose my best friend over her when we hadn't even been on an official date. Then I cheated and took that status away. Dated them both. I went as far as making her devalue herself to that of a cookie. Like she was a fifty-cent snack for me to take a bite from or put down if my mood changed.
I was pissed at her father, pissed at her for leaving me again when it got too tough, and refused to acknowledge my role in any of it. Then I had chosen and I hadn't protected her from Kelly. Even before my Father's death, I knew Kelly had demanded forgiveness within days, like Bren and I had been something easily gotten over like we were a nothingness, like what Kelly and I did wasn't gross. I'd sat through that dinner and felt Kelly's daggers, seen her lie to get us to leave. I'd even kissed Kelly in front of her soon after knowing that if she had done that I would have lost my fucking mind. In all those months since she got off that plane I had never put her first. The fact that she even felt I'd try was better than I deserved.
If she had told me what would have been Kelly's reaction? Even when I would have left her I could only imagine the resentment Bren would have been forced to bear. Kelly had believed since that choice she had the larger claim to me, a woman I had never even said I love you to, believing that I was hers. Was it because she'd known me since Kindergarten? Well, so did the other twenty kids from that class. Was it because we had messed up our childhoods? So did eighty per cent of that class. Shit if those two points were the criteria to claim me then Steve also held that right.
In that pool and on those swings I had caused this, the former in a desperate desire to stop opening myself up to Jim Walsh's constant interference, expectations, demands, and rejection, and the latter in trying to give someone I cared about who was troubled a level of peace, to hopefully stop the fights between us. She knew I didn't love her that she wasn't getting Brenda's Dylan, and that parts of my life were off-limits. I had tried on the swings to give her the most I could and pushed Bren out of mind through it all. Sealed that part of me off again. I'd been doing that since the morning she was getting on the shuttle. I'd never have let her go if I hadn't, never have had the summer if I hadn't blocked her.
I was lost in my reflections whilst guiding my son through the water.
"He should get out now."
Bren picks up the towel she had taken out for him and I lift him to her. They leave the room, Art grumbling the whole way disgruntled for having to leave the water. I quickly empty the bath remove my wet underwear, throw them in the hamper and grab a towel. I take a moment I can't go back but I can put them first forever and make it clear to them and the world where my loyalties lie.
Bren is in my room with my son on the bed getting dried. I go and sit next to him. She is beautiful with him, chatting the whole time as she pats him dry.
"Why pats?"
"Baby skin is thinner, you don't want to irritate it by rubbing. You also have to make sure you get into his little skin folds." She showed me one on his leg above his knee. "I think someone is planning on getting a little taller soon."
She then pulls out baby cream and begins rubbing it in gently. "Does that help his skin?"
"Yes his skin is more sensitive so clothes can rub, it gives a little more protection to stop that happening, and then as a water baby, he needs to put it on. The water can strip his natural oils away if he's in there too long. Also, his little nightly massage helps him sleep better." She was amazing.
I lean down and kiss my son's head, "You are a very lucky little boy, your mummy is incredible." She smiles at me. "Speaking of sleep, should I bring the cot in here?"
"Yeah, that would be great." I quickly grab a pair of tracksuit pants and a singlet and then go change in the bathroom and bring the travel cot in a few minutes later. Art was in a diaper in the middle of the bed pillows on either side of him doing what Bren referred to as tummy time. She helps me set up the travel cot.
"I'll have to get a room organised for him here. Clean out the storage room that was once Iris's. I know he can't stay over at night often but during the day he has a nap space."
She smiles at me, "That would be good. I can help make you a list of the essentials, or you can come shopping with me this week. He was in a bassinet in Minnesota so I didn't bring it with me as it's time he moved into a cot, the travel cot is just till I can go shopping here."
I beam, "I'd like to go shopping together and get all the baby stuff. Crap a car seat, one won't go in the Porsche, and well a convertible wouldn't be good either, it's probably not safe for him. I'll need another car. Wait, you'll need a car."
"Yeah, the convertible is not the best, LA smog, noise, sun, and wind are not great at this age. Brandon was devastated when I made him put the top up on his. And yes I'll need to get one myself but for the time being with Mum on campus doing her Masters and Brandon… and you. Art and I will be able to make my class schedule work without one."
She was serious; she'd work around everyone. "Brenda, we'll go car shopping together and get you one." She went to protest, "And when we go baby shopping I'll be paying. Actually, anyone in your family who has paid for any medical expenses for you or Art, or has helped you financially with your expenses will need to pay back, could you make me a list?"
"Dylan none of that is necessary. I can look after Art, and Dad's already offered me a few hours at his office a week so I've got him covered when he's with me." She was going to go to school, work and raise our son.
I led her to the bed where our son was happily eating his fist again. She sat on the edge and I kneeled to face her. "He is a McKay, you are a McKay even if we aren't together you will always be one. Brenda, you know I don't discuss money but you have a good understanding of my financial status and it's grown with your Dad's investing on my behalf. We have enough so we won't ever need to work or for Art to never have to worry. I mean we can't go crazy and buy an island but we are set."
"Dylan you have to stop with the we's, your money is your's."
"Bren I want the we's but I know that's not where you are at now or…" I swallow hard, "may never be at again. If I can't have my family here with me, at least let me take care of my family in whatever way I can?"
She ran her hand through her hair, "Fine you can take care of some of Art's stuff but not me."
I picked up her hands, "Baby you guys are a package deal. The best thing I can give our son is his mummy so working would take away his time with you. Unless you really think this would be a good thing for your career or something you really want to do working for your dad?" She looks at me and eventually shakes her head, "Okay so no work, we raise our son and focus on College. A car is essential in LA…" she's about to protest again. I can see it, this is a limit. "How about this, we buy a family car to share? Whoever has Art has that car."
"How would that work Dylan? We'll be doing more trips just to get you back to wherever you have left the Porsche. That just seems like a hassle for you."
"We swap. If I have Art I have the family car and you take the Porsche." Her eyes go massive.
"You'd trust me driving your precious car?"
I laugh, "Baby I'm trusting you to drive with way more precious cargo than a car." I nod in the direction of our son who as we both notice looks to be fading fast. Bren scoots back up the bed to Art puts his onesie on him and then sits leaning on the pillows by the headboard and begins to unbutton her shirt. I move to sit with them on my side of the bed. I imagine every day like this, maybe her leaning on me, I'd peer over her shoulder and watch him nurse while my arms are wrapped around her or helping to hold him in place.
This morning I thought I'd have everything if she said we could try again, being able to take her for dates, kiss her, hold her hand, and now I won't be happy until she sleeps next to me forever, till I can share all intimacies with her, go to her medical appointments, until she knows everything I have is ours, knows that she is a McKay. I'm so lost in the change a few hours can make, how a daydreamed future I envisioned is the only present I now want that I'm surprised when she speaks.
"Dylan you know it's not about the money, the reason I told you?"
I move her hair behind her ear waiting till she looks at me, her uncomfortableness about this is evident and she is trying hard to avoid my eyes. Eventually, she gives in. "Bren I know you better than anyone, I know it has never and will never be about the money. Baby in junior year you took me back when I was completely broke and looked to never have anything like what I did again. I know money is not a motivator for you. You don't need fancy restaurant dates or jewellery, your favourite dates were picnics on the beach, watching movies on the lounge or cooking dinner together. You have never seen the money, never asked for it to be spent, or have never privately or publicly made reference to it." She looks down, I wonder if I wasn't reassuring enough but then I see she is gently touching Art's cheek to keep him focused on eating. He is fighting sleep while nursing, it's magical. "Please we are going to co-parent him forever. Let's just make it simple from the start. I can either give child support monthly or add you to the account. Your living expenses and Art's come out of it. When you decide you want to leave Casa Walsh, I'd hope it's to reunite with me-"
She looks up and quietly and kindly cuts me off, "Dylan I thought I was clear-"
I don't want to hear it again from her lips, it hurts too much. "Baby you have no trust left in me I get that, it's rightly deserved, but what you didn't say is that you have no love left for me. While that's still there I have hope that eventually I can help rebuild your trust in me. Even if it takes years." She hasn't cut me off, or corrected my assumption- I breathe deep and internally cheer that the love is still there. "We always had a lifetime connection, now we just have a physical manifestation of that." I rub my son's cheek who has stopped feeding and he instantly starts up again. It's the cutest sight. He's just so relaxed here with his parents. "I have a lifetime to earn it back and we have a lifetime to watch him grow." I look up at her, "Now as I was saying when you are ready to leave Casa Walsh, I'd prefer we move in together as a couple but if you aren't ready for that we could get a bigger place- be roommates, or I could get you your own place close by."
"Dylan this is a lot can't we take all this slowly? I'll try the car thing as you'd have to buy a second one anyway. It would be a waste to have a third between us if two can work. The baby supplies are okay. The child support seems well not us, living with my parents it would just seem like I was getting paid for him and they wouldn't take money from me," she doesn't add if it's from me. "Maybe when he's older needs more. Access to your accounts seems too personal, can't we just figure it out as we go, when Art needs something we figure it out together?"
"Baby, when has anything between us been too personal?"
"Dylan it's just something partners would do, not co-parents."
She gestures to me asking if I want to take him, I smile and gently lift my slumbering boy onto my shoulder and Bren gently raises my hand showing me how to burp him while he rests. "You haven't mentioned Jim, anytime I have you haven't responded. You have to understand that from the start he didn't want us, that he kicked me out of your life after Baja, threatened me in ways you don't even know that summer, kept you away from meeting my Dad, Art's grandad his second namesake." I reach down and squeeze her hand acknowledging her honouring of him in our son, "I don't want him feeling he has any rights here between us. I'd pay for College if you let me so his ties to you, us, and my son are limited." She goes to protest again, "I know that that may make whatever he is feeling worse. He'd hate me for taking care of something that he believes is his right to do but I need him to have no say on this our son. Bren if he tries to take him from me, limit…" I can feel myself get angry emotions I don't want near my son, I snuggle my little guy tighter and move him back down my chest gradually laying down myself. It calms me. Bren follows my actions.
"He isn't happy but he has been told by me you won't be denied anything. He's too worried to upset me now, and well he may eventually push back but for the time being he hasn't tried to put any barriers up. I mean apart from some concerns that today could wait till Art and I were settled or till my blood pressure was back to normal but that's just his paranoia about my health."
I close my eyes he was starting, "Your blood pressure going down could take weeks from what you said." She didn't see it, he was putting blocks. I look into her eyes and beg, "Bren please if I can't have my family here, protected, give me this reassurance that you will know that you have access financially to all you need so no decision will ever be made in fear of him taking things away from you and Art. That you will never feel stuck having to follow his wishes when it comes to us, our son, and our family. If I know you have access to the account and are happy to use them, know that it's yours as much as mine, then I'll know if we ever disagree it's between us only, I'll know it's not a manipulation by him."
She's quiet and gives me concerned eyes. "There is more to my Dad and you than I know, you have more hurt than you let on." I nod, "you don't want to tell me?"
I run my fingers over her wrist against her pulse. "Another time." She gets what I'm trying to say, it's bad enough to be concerning to her health. She nods.
"Okay, I'll accept access to your account."
I smile and whisper, correcting her, "our account."
We are quiet for a long time, she starts yawning and decides to go change. She comes back in twenty minutes later with a makeup-free face in her pyjamas- she's beautiful. "Is it still okay?"
As she gets back into her previous position she rolls her eyes. "Yes worry wart it's even slightly lower than this afternoon." I smile.
"Well how could it not be, laying here together as a family with our son's little breathing noises is the most peaceful I have ever felt."
"I assume you don't want me to put him in the cot then?"
"I know we haven't discussed sleeping arrangements but can he sleep here with the both of us?"
"Co-sleeping? We have done it sometimes after his early morning feed but it does mean you can't go into a deep sleep you need to be aware of where he is. There's a risk otherwise." She hasn't said no to sleeping here together as a family only about Art.
I'm quiet for a little while thinking of what could go wrong. Maybe in the morning, it would be better when we are dozing. "Okay if I start getting sleepy I'll put him down. In the meantime, I just want to feel him close, if that's okay?"
She yawns and closes her eyes, a similar look that had appeared on our son's face not long ago. "He's our son, yours as well," she breathes deeper with her eyes still closed, "you don't need to ask permission to be his Dad."