Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Nine: Phone Calls
Art woke just as predicted and after a quick diaper change I left him with Cindy while I went to see if Brenda was awake. She heard the door and opened her eyes slightly.
"Hey." She sounded half asleep.
I went and sat by the bed placing my hand next to hers allowing our skin to rub softly against the other's. "Hey did you have a good catnap?"
Through closed eyes she speaks softly. "Hmm I did but I probably could sleep some more."
"Well you had a big day I'm sure your body is exhausted."
"Is Art up?"
"He is. You up for some mummy snuggles?"
Without opening her eyes she smiles. "Always."
"Do you want them both in here at the same time or will it be too much?"
She opens her tired eyes. "Both little McKay's please."
Even with how exhausted she is her joy at being able to see them is evident. "Why do I feel like I've moved down the line in favourite McKay's?"
She gives me a sympathetic look, "fourth place is still a good position."
She better be joking. "Fourth?"
"Iris. You know the mother you still haven't called?" Even half asleep she was still able to call me out on my bullshit. Bren held me accountable, she always knew I was capable of more that I wanted more for myself but she never yelled or backed me into a corner, she accepted that I needed to get there in my own time. After nearly nine months of an off and on relationship that lacked good communication and where I was constantly put down and told off, not for my ill treatment of others but because I refused to play the role she wanted, that I didn't fit the image she wanted; it was a welcome difference to finally be with someone who understood me. Well I guess not be with, but hopefully soon.
"I called and got her answering machine."
"But didn't leave a message." Yep not accepting my bullshit.
I kiss her hand and accept that I couldn't keep putting Iris off, even if I didn't want to share Art or Bren with anymore people. "I'll try again tonight once your favourite's are asleep. Now let me go get them."
"Dylan," I turn back around at the door. "Parenting looks good on you."
I give her my flirtatious smile, the one that I use to use to convince her to stay past curfew or to come to my house in the afternoon for some alone time before we had dinner at her's. "That's because it's with you. We are always incredible together." It works as she blushes slightly. As I walk to get the young McKay's I repeat to myself soon, hopefully soon.
Erica is already standing, almost bouncing up and down, while Art is shifting in his grandma's lap- of course we were coming up on his fifteen minute deadline. I lifted our little man and then spoke to Erica, "Sweetheart she is awake but she is tired so we have to be nice and calm in there okay?"
"Dylan I promise I'll be good." From her near running to the door I had a feeling she was making a promise she was unable to keep. By the time Art and I came through the door she had already buried her head in Brenda's chest hugging her for dear life.
"Erica please be gentle with Brenda."
"Dylan she is fine." Bren rubs her hand up and down Erica's back. "Shhh sweetheart I'm fine." After a few more tears Erica finally calms down enough to lift her head and see Art's grumbling demand to get at his mother. She moves away and I walk to Brenda's other side, and place Art into his mother's arms. His head is peppered with kisses. "Oh hello my little man, I've missed you too." She then looks to Erica making sure she doesn't leave her out. "Now did you see Art spit up on your brother?"
"Nope I was in the cafeteria." They both appear disappointed.
"You remember how to use the camera right? The one we bought the other day for Dylan's house." Erica smiles and nods. "Good then tonight or tomorrow if it looks like it's going to happen again can you take a picture as we need it for our special project. Oh and a picture of anything else you think would be good."
They had started working on their special project the other day during Art's nap time while Brandon, Steve and I were learning how to build a crib for Brenda's room. It had continued to be worked on in secret ever since. "Sure, but I can't do anything else as the stuff is all at your house."
"That's okay I'll ask my Mum to pack into my bag so on Sunday we can work on it. That is once we have you all set for school on Monday."
"Do I have to go? You and Dylan don't have to go to school on Monday's."
"Yes sweetheart you do. Dylan will drop you off and walk you into the office, and on Tuesday I'll be there to."
I give Bren a questioning look. "Bren you aren't seriously planning on going to CU on Tuesday are you?"
"Yeah of course. We have our first full day."
"Which is why you'll stay home and rest. Art can go to daycare like planned and you can spend the day in bed."
"Dylan I'm going to class." We hold each other's eyes, my stubborn girl though did not back down even when my concern was evident.
"Fine but Brandon, Steve or I walk you to all your classes?" She rolls her eyes.
"Fine. You're very bossy these day's."
"Well Baby you're very stubborn and need to focus on taking care of yourself."
"That's all I have been doing for nine months. It's a little boring and lonely being on bed rest." She was right, to me this was all new to Brenda she had been dealing with complications from her pregnancy for nine months and spent most of the last seven either on bed rest or taking it easy. I give her a kiss on her forehead and then whisper in her ear.
"If it gets too much you'll let me know and I promise to take you home, and Baby I'll make any bed rest more interesting from now on."
I straighten back up as she lightly laughs, "I'm sure that would be going against medical advice."
"What would?" My sister having missed my promise was confused.
Brenda's amusement was obvious. "Yeah Dylan what would?"
"I was just telling Brenda that I would take care of her."
"Why would that be bad?" It was times like these that I remembered that my sister was a McKay, she would call bullshit out. Before I could come up with a plausible reason Bren took pity on me and stepped in.
"You know your brother, I would get food poisoning if he cooked for me. Though it's kind of him to offer to help me rest more but I think I'm fine taking care of myself, it's you two that he needs to look after. Only you two." Her message while subtle to my ten year old sister was a clear reminder to me about where we stood. We were co-parents and friends only. I just prayed it was only for the time being.
We spent the next fifteen minutes together but when she began to fade I told Erica it was time we said goodbye for the night. Bren was trying to be stoic but I knew her to well, saying goodbye to Art was difficult it would be the longest time she would ever be away from him. After bringing the kids out to the family I went back in to check on her. She was crying. Going over to the bed I wrap her in my arms. "How do you do this each night, say goodbye to him?"
I never like her upset, "shhh Baby you have to calm down he is going to be fine."
She mumbled into my shoulder, "I know that, I'm not worried about how he'll cope he adores you. I'm upset for me, how am I going to cope?" I rub her back. "Seriously does it hurt like this every night?"
"Yes but I've only had him stay one night it's only a taste of what you've had for three months. I'm sure that makes this so much harder for you."
She sniffles, "yeah and my boobs hurt."
I chuckle and rub her back, "yeah that doesn't happen when he's away from me. I'm sorry but I don't think I can or you'll let me help you with that."
She lifts her head from my shoulder and looks at me wiping away her tears. "Our conversations have changed a lot this last week."
"They have evolved, there wasn't much cause in the last three years to talk about diapers, nursing and nap times before."
"Do you remember what we use to speak about before Baja?" Her avoidance of that summer and the following year was clear.
"If I remember correctly there wasn't much speaking at all sometimes so much so you got worried, put me on the bench, but considering how all that practise led to Art I think it was time well spent. Don't you agree?" Pain flashes across her eyes.
"Dylan, I was being serious." Exasperation was starting to come through in her tone but I ignored it instead taking the opportunity to try and segue into a serious talk before I left for the night, before I had to be away from her after such a scare.
"So was I. Our son is amazing, I can only imagine what the next one is going to be like."
"Dylan." It was no longer coming through it was clear as day, she didn't want this conversation.
"Bren." We stare but I don't want to back down, my fear the one I refused to acknowledge, the one I couldn't tap into today with the kids there was rising to the surface. I could of lost her and I didn't want another moment with her not being mine, of me not being able to show my love for her properly to have her fully. "Do you know I couldn't go with you today in the ambulance as I was unable to authorise treatment? That I can share a son with you but I can't agree for you to get stitches. Baby I love you, I know I have fucked this up, but this last week can't you see what our life together will be like?"
"Dylan you don't need me to have this life. You can have that with-"
She thinks I'd want kids with anyone else? Even my subconscious last year couldn't imagine the possibility. "I don't want it with anyone else."
"That's not what you said eleven months ago or what your actions eighteen months ago demonstrated, I was replaceable then." As I feel those words hit me she sighs. "It's been an emotional day and an emotional week, you aren't thinking clearly and I need sleep. My parents or brother can bring me over tomorrow once I'm released, that is if you still don't mind me staying?"
Fuck, one step forward three steps back. After six months of asking trying she still didn't genuinely believe it was about her, though her reasoning had shifted since our phone calls from me being lost to now me just wanting my son closer. Running away last February, I had destroyed her belief that she was my first choice that it wasn't ever a choice she owned me, it was why I had never been able to break up with her, why I had never been honest about my summer.
If Kelly had ever been a choice that could ever replace Brenda in my heart why wouldn't I have left Brenda on her return from Paris or told her about my summer, have her leave me? Kelly had been chosen by default. I was still upset at Brenda for leaving me so she could date that other guy, I was refusing to acknowledge how my guilt had been pushing her away. I was still angry as hell at Jim and then at him for interfering again, stopping her from meeting my dad that night stopping her supporting me. But above all I was mad as hell at myself for the summer, I knew if I chose Brenda that I would have to tell her Kelly was that girl. The same girl I had just tormented her with since she broke up with me, the one had I never had been honest about in all that time; if I had she would never have given me those extra few months of us being friends, dating. I could have chosen Brenda so many times but once she knew would she have chosen me back? I had said as much on one of our calls in late September, she hadn't given me a response said she had to go. I now know two days later our son was born due to their inability to bring down her blood pressure.
Today told me it still wasn't a conversation we could have, and while medication was keeping it low for the moment, having those thoughts fester could delay her from getting released or keep her on medication longer. The medication that stopped her nursing Art. My selfishness and impatience for her to chose me could not hurt her and it could not deny my son, so I dropped the point. "Of course I want you to stay. I'm sorry, I said I wouldn't push and I keep doing that. Take all the time you need I'll wait forever." I lean in a kiss her forehead again. "Get some sleep okay. Night." I try and hide my feelings, it hurt though. Not even a life threatening scare could make her see that life was too short, that I had made us lose so much time that everyday we should be together.
"Night."
As I leave the room Jim is waiting by the door. From the twinkle in his eyes I know he heard part of the conversation. Choosing to not engage I walk by though he stops me with a hand on my shoulder, "son it's time to give up and accept that your relationship in that way is over." The twinkle hasn't left even if he is using the voice I used to envy Brandon got to have; the understanding, everything is going to be alright father voice. Jack came close to capturing it on that boat but even then his desire for the money nagged at its authenticity. Hearing Jim now I realised that maybe Jack had nailed it or maybe it was Jim's manipulations starting to sound through more. Either way I had once wanted to be accepted by this man, in his eyes be good enough for his daughter. I now released what Bren knew all along and what she had been willing to stand up to at the start of that summer, he had to accept us, that we were what mattered not him. That his opinion of me, her, us, our family carried no fucking weight.
I breathe deep through my nose, "I'm not your son because if I was you would be telling me to fight for the woman I love, fight for my family." His hand drops from my shoulder as I move away from him and collect my son and sister. Time, she just needed time, she hadn't ever said she no longer loved me and while it was there she could forgive and once again believe that I would only want her forever. This time I wouldn't let my desire for a fucking father mess with my head. I was a father and according to Brenda an amazing one and a great brother. Her's, Art's and Erica's were the only opinions I would ever need.
Once the kids were down for the night I rang Hawaii. Iris was home and when I explained the story she was thrilled to have a grandson, said she knew it would only happen with Brenda that our blip last year was a moment in a long life together. It was the first time her mumble jumbo gave me hope and I was happy to listen to it. She was worried about Brenda's condition and asked if she could come for a visit that maybe she could help, but she didn't want to come if it would be too much for her. I explained that Brenda had been wanting me to make the phone call all week and that I had been putting it off. Not because I was angry at her but simply because I was already sharing with so many people, I didn't want more of their time taken away from me, especially after missing so much already. My Mother laughed and said she remembered that feeling. She had hated anyone holding me other than her and Jack, it was why she fired all the nanny's that Jack kept hiring. She then told me that I was her little helper in the firing as I hated being held by anyone other than my parents. When they couldn't settle me she forced Jack to get rid of them. I laughed not at the poor people who lost their job's but that Art was the exact same.
Telling her about Erica had been a little delicate. If Erica had been even a year older it would have confirmed her fears all along that Jack not only had affairs but had longer relationships with these woman. Her relief was palpable down the phone line. It was the first confirmation that she had ever given me that at one time what she had felt for him had been real, that I had been wanted and had been raised for a time in a loving family. When I explained that Suzanne was finalising things in Iowa and that I was looking after Erica who had not wanted to return with her she felt that it was strange. That a child would willingly be away from their only parent, especially after going through an ordeal of losing their home, instead preferring to stay with an almost stranger- I had never thought of that. When I was ten I still wanted Jack around, it was about that time my resentment and the bitterness that would fester over the years, that would lead me to seek out anything to escape that feeling began to take root.
It was the longest and nicest phone call I had ever had with my mother. She would fly up in the next few days, and as had become the norm would stay in a hotel. She wanted to meet our expanding family and see if Art's rule applied to her. When I got off the phone I contemplated ringing the hospital to check on her but as I wasn't family they probably wouldn't give me that information. As I sat there thinking for the millionth time that week how I could convince her the phone rang. I quickly picked it up.
"Hello."
"Hi. Were they good for you? Go to sleep without any dramas?" I smiled it was like she knew I needed to hear her voice.
"They were great. Erica helped with Art's bath, thank god we bought a second baby bath for here. The dining room table is a much easier height to manage. How are you?"
"I'm good my parents left at seven, Brandon tried to convince them to let him stay the night but they refused. Steve was kind enough to drag him away once he had collected one of the nurse's phone numbers. He thinks it's his Stephanie."
"His who?"
"Female version of Brad Pitt." What?
"Bren they are checking your concussion right, because you aren't making any sense."
"November Rain, the bride… oh forget it- Steve and I understand what it means, we get each other."
"There was a time when I never thought I'd hear you say that with such enthusiasm or for me to want to hear it, but he's a good man."
"Oh does that mean you have forgiven him for hiding the crib screws?"
"Him, yes. You, no."
"Okay but no more tickling, Art literally used by bladder as his personal trampoline for months or maybe his foot cushion, either way until I work on my pelvic floor no more tickles."
"Your what? Cause that sounds like something you need a personal trainer in and well with all my experience with your-"
She cuts me off, "you trying to be my coach?"
"Or even your spot buddy, you know I can make sure you do the exercise properly." I aimed for a helpful tone, and I was absolutely trying to be- it sounded like my kind of exercise.
Her amused tone changed. "Dylan do we need to-"
"No I know where we stand but flirting with you is my favourite, well it makes my top five favourite things to do with you."
She sounded shocked, "you have a list."
"Five flirting, four smelling you, three kissing holding you, two practising to make more Art's-"
"That's not one?"
"No. Don't get me wrong I love it. We are incredible together, the intensity of it I've never had that with anyone, never even come close. It feels like your-"
"I remember."
"But no it's not my favourite, this is. Just talking to you. I love the sound of your voice, I love that we can talk or not talk about important things, that when we are speaking that you know me, get me and that I know you, that I get you." She's quiet for a long time but I can hear her breathe.
"Thank you. Kelly today accused me of sleeping with you to win you back that my body was the only thing you wanted from me and even then it hadn't worked because you wanted her body, her mind, her-"
What the hell? She can't have believed that nonsense. "You know that it's not true. Tell me you know that it's not true? Tell me you remember spring dance when I told you that it wasn't what we were about that we were more than that? That while I love our physical relationship- that I miss it, crave it, that I want you with an unquenchable appetite… tell me that you know I love your soul, your being, your heart, your mind, your compassion, your fierceness and your stubbornness more. Bren tell me you know that?"
The quietness is longer this time and her breath is a little more erratic, when she finally speaks I can hear the tears in her voice. "I should let you go, you are going to have to be up in a few hours for Art's dream feed."
"Baby how do I make you believe me? How do I get you to know what I'm saying is true? That's it's not about my life being too chaotic or about me having an emotional week. How do I convince you that what I have said to you, written to you for six months is real?"
She eventually whispers, "I don't know but… I can't feel it or the emotions don't seem real."
"You don't feel my love for you? Don't feel it every time I put your hair behind your ear, kiss your forehead, when I watch you with Art and Erica, when I look at you," I breathe deeply out, the intensity of all those small moments when I'm hit with the endless depth of love I have for her welling up and pushing the air out of me. "You don't feel it in the space between us? That pull that started at my locker, that escalated when I wheeled out from under Mondale, that made me feel your eyes on me from that balcony. You don't feel that still from me?"
"Dylan I use to. Exactly how you described it but it's been a long time since I felt it that way."
"When?" She knew what I was asking, she understood me.
"The entrance way of my house, when I just came down the stairs and you walked in. When you held me for dear life, when you smiled-"
"As I was kissing you because your lips were on me again. That I finally felt like I was home again. The relief and joy I felt in that moment was overwhelming."
"You were going to tell me that night in the kitchen while we were washing up."
"It that moment I wanted to so there would be no barriers, no lies between us, but then I was hit by how unforgivable it was. The person made it a complete betrayal."
"I haven't felt it like that moment in the entrance way ever since. It began to lose its form became smoky and by the time you admitted there had been someone it had seemed like it was a mirage. Does that make sense?"
"Yes." I wipe my cheek this is the closest she had got to being open about that time, to hear how my guilt had made our connection shrivel for her was painful. It wasn't like that for me but she was still a hundred percent open to me then, it was why it hurt when she left me. I thought she could still feel it all like I could and was still walking away from that; I resented her for that for a long time. The sad thing was that I still felt her love for me. She gave it back to me when I stayed with her after Jack died, gave it to me in our friendship, supporting Kelly when she was sick, over every phone call, she tried to lessen it but I knew it was there. But she hadn't felt mine since we broke up hasn't felt it properly from me in eighteen months. No that can't be right…" January the thirtieth you felt it then?"
"I should get some sleep this conversation wasn't what I had planned. I'm glad the kids are fine I knew they-"
"Baby we made love that night, Art was conceived in love."
"Dylan I should get some sleep-"
I was getting panicky, my son was not allowed to feel what I felt. He would know every moment of his life that he had been made out of love, it wasn't mindless, it wasn't cheap, it fucking hell wasn't a mistake. He would never go through what I went through. "Brenda?"
My tone must have been clear this wasn't a question she could avoid. "That night was beautiful."
"Bren I felt your love that night but I've never stopped feeling it. Tell me you knew I loved you that night that you felt it?"
"Dylan I knew you wanted me, that you cared about me… Look Kelly is gifted she knows just how to dig the knife in, knows all my weaknesses. I'm sure she feels the same about m-"
"I don't give a fuck about Kelly." I was openly crying. "Baby it has never ever been about that, you are the only person who it's been about love with, you are the only person I have ever loved. I have never said it to anyone else. I would never touch you without that love, I wouldn't ever let us not be about that- I would never let you be some girl, a notch on my bedpost."
"Dylan this conversation is not what I planned. I'm going to go."
"Brenda I don't ever want Art to feel what I felt growing up-"
"He won't. Dylan he won't."
"Jack and Iris loved each other once. I only had proof of that tonight in my conversation with Iris. I always felt that I was unwanted that I was a mistake-"
"Dylan that is not Art's story. I have never questioned if you would want him, I knew you would. I know you care for me, yes after the park I didn't think that but after Jack I knew we would always care for the other, that our history was important to both of us. Art will know, he'll see that we are friends, family. He will feel, he does feel wanted by both of us. His story is not your's."
"And that night?"
"Dylan I can't imagine our son is ever going to ask us about that."
"No but I want us to know."
She sounded exhausted, drained. "What do you need me to say?"
"Honestly, I don't know… but I need you to open up to me again, I need you to let me in again, I need to go back in time and not fuck this all up."
"Please don't think that. I would go through all of this on repeat forever if it gave me Art." She pauses. "Try and get some sleep and give our son a kiss from me."
Before she can hang up I stop her, "I'm sorry. I keep ending up pushing and I don't mean too."
"Can you try and stop at least till I'm better? You know when I can at least yell at you for doing it." She is trying to cut the tension.
"Yeah I just, you know what I want. Today made me scared that while I'll wait forever I don't want that forever to be taken from me, us before we can start it."
"I'm fine. We'll have a lifetime to watch Art grow up. Hell if he has kids in his late twenties we may be around to see even our great grandchildren born." Grandparents and great-grandparents Bren and I would share all these titles together. We had joked about it when we made up in Palm Springs, me being calling Pa having a family home in the desert.
"We'll have to start looking for our Palm Springs house or maybe see if the Silver's want to sell us their's." I'm guessing it's the we on the house that has her cutting this conversation off.
"Let's just focus on getting him to sleep through the night and for him to cut all his baby teeth first, and now for the final time I'm going to go sleep."
"I'll see you tomorrow. Night and please have them call me if anything changes in the night."
"Brandon would call you don't worry." It was her way of saying she won't be putting me on the family list for information. As she hangs up the phone I try and focus. Patience. I need patience. I had it at the end of sophomore year during that summer, and she came back I could do it again. She'd come back. She'd feel my love for her, trust that love again and come back.