Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twelve: Leaving
On Thursday we don't drive together, Dylan takes the Porsche wanting to head straight home to be there for Suzanne's arrival. I'll pick up the kids and stop past Casa Walsh to spend some time with Brandon while I wait for Dylan to call, we don't want Erica exposed to any potential disagreement between the two. When we were laying in bed last night he had whispered his fears that maybe his initial gut reaction was right and it was a scam and Erica was not his sister. When I asked if she felt like his sister he smiled sometimes though he quietly admitted that over the last ten day's she had also felt like a daughter at times. She was family regardless of what Suzanne admitted, that is what she would always be to us.
Dylan rang while Brandon was playing horse with Erica. "Hey how did it go?"
"She was waiting here when I got back. She managed to get on a late night bus last night and arrived in LA this morning. She spent the day apartment hunting and found one near Andrea's grandma's place. When I asked her about the funds she told me that was why she was back in Iowa that the insurance company had finally processed her claim from the flood and she needed to sign the paperwork."
"Do you believe her?"
"Yeah, it makes sense right, the insurance, her long trip, the amount. These claims can take months to pay out and you read all the time about insurance companies denying them on technicalities. It explains why she was so concerned about money before she left and why even before getting a job she is now fine renting a place. She offered the money back that I gave her as well."
"Did you take it?"
"Yeah but I was thinking about opening a savings account for Erica with it. Would you be okay with me doing that?"
"Dylan it's your-"
"Our money."
"Not in regards to this, but if you are asking if having a savings account at such a young age is a good thing then I would say yes, especially if she is encouraged to add money herself."
"Great I'll arrange it for her tomorrow afternoon when I finish class." He sounded better. "Will you be coming home soon? It's lonely being here without you all."
"What happened to that sophomore loner I use to know or the guy who got annoyed when I moved in and began cleaning his house?"
"He grew up and gave into the intensity, he's now found a peace he didn't know was even possible." He pauses as if choosing his words. "I miss my son's noises, Erica's excited chatter and I miss your closeness I like it better when you are next to me- come home please." He had had an emotional twenty-four hours I could understand his desire for the normalcy of the last few day's though it got me worried about how he was going to cope when I go home this weekend.
I try and avoid his emotional longing and aim to lighten his mood. "You can't be that lonely, I'm sure Suzanne is chatting to you?"
"No she has gone back to the apartment it was vacant so she was able to get the keys once they finished her reference checks. She's gone to pick them up and then figure out what she'll need for her and Erica to move in. It's semi furnished but she will need to go and get sheets, towels and stuff. She's going to do a bit of that now and has asked if I could keep Erica till after dinner and then drop her off."
"Erica's going there tonight?" I didn't think she would be going so soon.
Dylan could hear the sadness in my voice, "I know I offered to keep her for the weekend so Suzanne could get organised but she of course misses her daughter and said she didn't want to impose on our kindness any further." Dylan's voice mirrored mine, we loved having her with us she was a wonderful little girl.
"Okay I'll bring them back now. You can fill her in on with what's going on when we get there." I didn't say home.
Dylan was delighted to see us when we got there, though the mood didn't last long when we sat down and told Erica about her exciting new place her mum had found- she was not excited. She liked living here but she did miss her mum. Dinner was a little somber even with Dylan trying to tell jokes in an attempt to cheer us all up. Suzanne rang a little later saying the place while still disorganised and needing some stuff was at least ready for Erica for the night. Before dinner we had helped her pack all her things, she was all ready to go. I insisted she leave at least one set of the new clothes I had got her when we had gone baby shopping last week here, she'd need them in case she had a surprise sleep over- both McKay's smiled at that idea, reassuring them that they were not going to be separated forever. Saying goodbye was hard for me though I tried to not let it show, Dylan knew though and squeezed my shoulder. I stayed with Art while Dylan took Erica over.
Tired from a full day at college, my parents house and my emotional evening, I shared a bath with Art and then once he was put down went straight to bed. Dylan came in a bit later and quickly showered, as he lifted the covers to join me I stirred. "Hey. You were awhile. Was Erica okay?"
"Yeah, she was happy to see her mother but she was a bit down on the apartment." I came more awake.
"She didn't like, is it okay?" He could hear the concern in my voice and reached out and grabbed my hand.
"Relax it's fine, it's not really set up but it's okay. I think Erica's biggest gripe about the place is that it doesn't include Art, you and me."
I smiled, "she liked staying here that much?"
"I think she thought the first few day's of you and Art coming over were great, I think when you guy's moved in she felt it was amazing like her big brother does. I understand how she feels it's the first time in my life I have felt like I have a family, a home that was warm with people who need me, want me, love me. When my Dad was released we had day's on that boat together with his fiancé, it was nice, I thought that was what family felt like." He squeezes my hand, "I thought I felt it after that surfing accident when you were refusing to speak to me. None of that feels even close to this, it doesn't compare." He looks at me and lifts his hand moving a piece of hair about to fall into my eyes. "Is this what you have felt all your life with Brandon and your parents?"
The longing I had heard in his voice that afternoon over the phone had returned but it was also swimming in his eyes, I could feel mine get heavy with tears. "Yes."
"And you walked away from that feeling at the end of junior year for me?" I nod. "I'm sorry I wasn't worth it, that I made it hard for you back then. You were willing to stand up for us to risk your relationships with your family, and I was just feeling hurt. After eighteen months of loving you, being respectful of your parents, being there to support you through the cancer scare, the holdup, being there supporting you championing you in everything, even then your Dad still didn't think I was good enough for you, good enough to be part of your family. I let that hurt ego that rejection at the wedding fester, I took it out on you when you stayed here. Being the only person I trust also included the belief that you wouldn't leave me like everyone else that you would stay through the good and the bad."
"I would have but you wanted me to go to Paris and then…" I can't, I can feel the box tremble I'm physically exhausted and I know I won't be able to cope with this. "It's been a long day, I'm beyond exhausted, my legs have that achy feeling, and-"
"You don't want to have this conversation." At my nod he closes his eyes and breathes deep before speaking again. "One day? I have tried to explain it in fragments over the last six months but I haven't wanted to risk you saying no, closing the door for good. I know I'm not in a position to ask this and I don't deserve it but one day will you give me that a chance to say it all?" He could see me hesitate, "some of it is going to hurt worse than that bathroom but I know we are connected for life, I trust that more than anything. Even if you can never forgive me, even if you don't ever want me again, we are forever family, best friends, we created magic together. I want us to have no lies between us like when we first got together, I want you to know that once again I'll be honest with you even when you don't like it," he grabs my hand again and squeezes, "another reason to buy the Silver Palm Springs house, gives you a place to run to when I'm too honest like last time." He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it, "one day?"
I look into his eyes, it would crack the box possibly rip it to shreds but I owe it to my sixteen year old self to hear him out. The girl who had never been hurt by him once he let me in, the girl who had run away and left him in their juvenile naïve belief that distance would make her feel less. That sixteen year old had been forgiven by him for being another person he loved leaving him, he had never held that against me not until I broke up with him again senior year when he had warned me I wouldn't get another free pass. I left even with the warning he wouldn't chase me, I left instead of working through the bad. I had abandoned him again. I'd risk the box to correct her mistake even if it did shatter the romance for good, at least I would had cleared my debts.
"Okay."
He smiles and then surprises me by pulling me into his arms and laying my head over his heart. "Thank you." He gently rubs my hair. "You should sleep otherwise you'll fall asleep again nursing our son or do you want me to use some of the expressed milk so you can sleep through?"
I yawn into his chest his heartbeat is soothing. As I fight my heavy eyelids I answer, "maybe, let's see if I wake up." If he speaks again I don't know as I'm asleep before I hear anything else.
The hug turned into her falling asleep in my arms, it soon became the longest time she had spent in them in nearly twelve months, I refused to close my eyes and sleep. Since New Year's I had spent hours watching my son sleep in my arms mesmerised, his mother captivated me in a different way it felt like I was finally complete. She was this perfect mix of strength and fragility, beauty and sexuality, intellect and humour. Holding her against me, feeling her lightness it amazes me that she grew our son, that this slight woman could do that through such adversary, she was so powerful. Talking to her Doctor put my mind at ease that she wasn't risking her health by doing too much so soon, but he did emphasise that her body had gone through an ordeal and that her arteries were still doing too much work to push her blood around. Until her blood pressure came down she needed to take it easy. The best place to do that was here as she said yesterday only I could take care of her this way.
The fact that she had said it when Jim had once again tried to make her leave reconfirmed to me that even after hearing about my stupidity in the pool she still was standing up for us, that she still would put me first even if it was no longer for the same reason. Though that had always been true even throughout our breakup, Steve was right her natural inclination was to give me everything she had. I squeezed her tighter and kissed the top of the head, at one stage I had been the same and I had been doing it again since that phone call from France. The issue lay in the months in between, I would have to explain that to her. I'd have to break her heart a little more and hope she realised that I was trying to delude myself, make a relationship that clearly wasn't working not be so meaningless that I blew up my life for nothing. I was looking for an escape after twelve months of rejection from her parents, from her and I had run to a person who hadn't rejected me. Kelly was never supposed to be long term she was never going to be a love, but I did care for her well back then I had.
Finding out she had played the victim that night on the swings after weeks of harassing Brenda for being kind to me, supporting me during my father's death, if I had known that then I would have left her on the swings. To look back at that time with fresh eyes. The lightness, giggles and cute pet names had only ever been thrown around in close proximity to Brenda's eyes and ears. Most of the time we barely got along but put Brenda in the room and she played her role well. I had refused to see it then but it was clear as day now. The same way it was clear throughout that sorority meeting that she was not over sticking the knife in. We hadn't been together since before the carjacking it was over two months ago, we had dated for less than nine months and a good proportion of that one of us usually me was not talking to the other. I didn't know what she hoping to achieve, maybe it was her jealousy of Brenda the one that had started at that locker in sophomore year when she saw how with nothing more than a look she had been able to do more to me than a year of her flirting, more than ten years of knowing each other had ever done.
When Brenda and I had started… well dating seemed too casual for us as by the end of our first night of hanging out alone as friends I had shared more of myself than I had with anyone, from the start we jumped straight into our natural state complete togetherness. My only regret during those early days was that I should of disclosed to Brenda that Kelly had asked me out a few weeks in. I knew Brenda wasn't using her new best friend to test my loyalty, it wasn't her style I knew that even then. Brenda was a straight shooter when it came to our relationship she had proven that throughout our time together. I knew then that Kelly would throw her best friend under the bus. Even hearing what happened at the mother daughter fashion parade it didn't matter, Kelly had no loyalty to Brenda it was why I rarely had time for her during sophomore and junior year, but then I thought she had changed or maybe I had changed, either way I had let her into my and Bren's story, and I didn't know how to get her out without risking it all.
At the time of Art's dream feed I tried waking his mother with coaching whispers and kisses on her head, she was having none of it. Realising she needed sleep, I tried not to wake her as I moved from underneath her and went to the kitchen to arrange a bottle for him. After his dream feed, burping and diaper change I went back to bed. Brenda was still out of it, it had been her longest day up and around without a rest she was clearly exhausted. Within minutes of me getting back into bed she moved back into her spot on my chest. We had spent the whole night like this once in Baja with nothing between us, this was better. Our son's little breaths could be heard in the room while his mother snuggled up to me. It was heaven.
When I woke Art was having his four-thirty feed and Bren looked a little more alert. "Sorry I didn't hear him cry I would have got up."
"He didn't, skipping his last feed left me a little sore so I woke just before him. Thank you for letting me sleep."
I give her a teasing smile, "I don't think I let you, I'm pretty sure you would have slept through anything. You feeling a bit better?"
"Yeah but I'll be glad for a lazy morning tomorrow with Art before my doctor's appointment and afternoon class." I give her a worried look, "don't say it you spoke to my Doctor it's not dangerous it's just my energy levels are a little low and my body is working harder than it's supposed to, these full day's are just a little exhausting."
"At least after tomorrow we'll have the next three day's off to relax together." I know she was planning on going home sometime this weekend but I didn't want her to she would just wear herself out.
"Relax? Your mum arrives on Saturday at lunchtime and didn't you want to see about viewing those two houses in the morning?"
"We don't have to we can hold off till Monday you can then spend Saturday morning in bed before Iris arrives."
"No more bed I'm sick of it. I miss the land of the living."
"It won't be too much longer."
"We hope." Her frustration is clear.
"What happens if we buy a house with a view will that encourage you to say in bed more?"
"It might encourage you but I'll be back at my parents."
She was finally bringing up her return to her parents giving me the in I had been looking for, "can we renegotiate that?"
"Dylan."
"Hear me out. I like having my son here, I like being apart of his full day not just for a few hours of it. Could we discuss maybe him staying here a few nights a week?" Her eye's went big and then fear flashed- shit that didn't come out right. "With you here of course. He is too young to be separated from you and I wouldn't be selfish and do that to either of you." Her shoulders lose their tension. "I was thinking the day's we have our full day's on campus you guy's could sleep the night before and maybe the Tuesday night as well as it saves you from dropping him off on Wednesday morning or from me going to get him, it will make for a more settled morning for him."
"Dylan you are wanting us to stay here Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night, that's half the week."
"If you prefer you can stay the full week." I try my sexy smile she likes so much.
"Don't be cute now especially at quarter to five in the morning." She starts burping Art and is quiet for a moment processing my request. "I hated being away from him on Friday night I don't want that for you but living together full time isn't an option. Okay three day's here but I'll sleep in Art's room with him."
First hurdle won, but I still wanted more. "I want these memories too the dream feeds the four-thirty feeds, if he and you are down the hall I can't be involved really."
"Okay we keep the crib in here and you just bring him in to me for his feeds." I give her a look, come on my stubborn woman give just a little more. "Fine, while he is still requiring regular feeding in the night we will all sleep in here together." My smile was massive, "stop grinning like that." I could tell she was joking, when I couldn't remove my smile she passes me Art. "You are on permanent middle of the night diaper duty."
She was already dozing when I got back in. With her back to me it appeared she was done using my chest as her pillow, I decided to push my luck and move to spoon her from behind throwing my arm loosely over her stomach. I kiss her shoulder and whisper next to her ear, "thank you."
She tenses slightly and then relaxes completely into the position allowing her body to mould to mine. "Just for tonight." I didn't say a thing but I imagine the sides of my lips nearly touched my eyes. She elbows me in the stomach, "stop that."
I tighten my hold on her and kiss her shoulder once again before resting my head further up the pillow so I could breathe in her hair. If I was getting access to heaven I was going to milk it.