Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Seventeen: Smells, Sleep and New Beginnings
Once my blood pressure is checked and he has recorded it he stands and holds out his hand to me. As he pulls me up he leans close one more time and inhales me, trying to lift the haze that has unintentionally settled around us I ask something I've always wanted to know. "Is it my shampoo?"
He runs his hands up my arms, he understands what I'm asking him. "No, though it smells like coconut and is most potent when your hair is down and I can bury my nose just below the crown of your head. Your perfume is strongest on the front of your neck and your right wrist, I think your watch wears it off on your left."
"So it's my perfume?"
"No, your moisturiser on your arms and legs reminds me of dessert I think it's the vanilla, but it's not too strong it's subtle, I have to have you close to smell that one."
"So it's the moisturiser?"
He smiles he can tell I was getting a little baffled by his information but also his lack of response. He pulls me closer and slowly runs his nose up along my neck till he reaches my ear, with barely space to move his lips he whispers, "it's you. It's your skin, the shampoo, perfume and moisturiser add a layer but take them off and I'll still be dying to bury my nose in your neck your hair, rest against your skin. When I breathe you in I get a heady feeling, it makes me look for an anchor. When I was allowed to it would be your lips they'd give me the illusion of grounding me, well until I'd have a taste and then…" he slowly pulls back and looks at my flushed face, his eyes are still almost black. "If we don't stop they won't even get thirty minutes." He pushes a piece of hair behind my ear. "Tea and toast. Your doctor said you should eat if you have the maximum dose of the emergency medication, and then you should be resting. I'm preventing that, tonight you leaving, your dad, your spike, the bath, the kiss, the closeness, your fingers in my hair, the other things… it's all made me lose focus."
"What's the focus?"
"Me taking care of you, you're essential to Art and I. We need you healthy, happy and with us. So tea toast, them out and us in bed… resting."
He guides me out to the living room, I'm not sure if it was his fear of me falling or that he just needed his hands on me but he holds me close till I'm sitting in the armchair. It was remarkable that twenty minutes ago I was feeling disconnected to this part of me and now I was back feeling desirable. The voice in my head that continually flashes images of pools begins to also sound the alarm; Dylan McKay was not allowed to be the basis of my self-esteem.
Sitting in the armchair I reiterate to my twin for the second time that I am fine, he sadly must also be feeling the effects of my medication through our twin bond as when Dylan comes back in the room with tea for his mother and I, toast for me and a plate of Chinese food for himself he goes to ask again. "Brandon is the twin bond malfunctioning or something as you seem to be obsessing?" Steve always the helpful brother pinches Brandon's arm.
"Ouch what was that for?"
He doesn't answer Brandon but looks at me instead, "did you feel it? I can do it again harder if you didn't. I've always wanted to test that freaky twin bond you guy's have, this is the perfect time, maybe a kick in the shins would work best."
"Are you serious man, I'm not letting you kick me?" My twin looks so annoyed.
"Science Brandon, you keep telling me to get into my studies, this here I could get behind. I should make a list." As he begins to look for paper Dylan turns to face me. He was sitting resting against the chair by my legs but the vibration must have concerned him as he looks to me in fear as if expecting me to be having a fit. Finally between my laughter I tell Steve to stop, especially when he begins asking if Brandon would be open to having his legs waxed my baby bladder can't take anymore.
Iris sits there shaking her head, "you haven't changed since kindergarten. Everyday I'd pick up Dylan you were either getting in trouble or you were causing trouble. From memory you especially loved getting into places you shouldn't, I came one day and your nanny-"
Steve interrupts like the job title is important, "Mum's assistant."
"Mum's assistant was being advised how you got into the lunchroom kitchen and decided that you were going to add chocolate to the classes afternoon milk. You added gravy powder instead."
Dylan's immediate outcry of "that was you, it was disgusting", has me leaping from the chair and rushing to the bathroom.
She comes back a few minutes later shaking her head, "Iris you are supposed to be on my side. Your grandson used me bladder like a trampoline it needs time to heal."
"Oh darling I'm sorry, his father was the same it took me months till I could laugh again without fear. In truth though that was the tame story Steve's antics were legendary, even my last summer at the beach club the mother's were still laughing about some of them." Steve pushes out his chest in pride. I am surprised by her recall of this time, I didn't think my mother was around back then let alone was there to pick me up from school daily. I remember having to walk home, it was an experience Kelly and I had in common.
"Did you pick me up everyday?"
"Most day's unless your father had an event then the Nanny would collect you."
"D you had a nanny?"
"He had a few. When he was a baby he was like Art he wouldn't go to anyone but his Dad and I for very long. I got Jack to stop hiring them after the first couple of months, I didn't like them taking care of him and he didn't like them either. When he was two he didn't mind them so much, though he'd still toddle off to hide if they wanted to read books he hated or sing that lamb chops song, you really hated that song." Steve and Brandon are unable to control themselves and start humming the tune, Bren is back giggling, I flick them the bird which earns me a look of disapproval from my mother.
"By five though you were back disliking them, if you knew they were coming to collect you from school you'd hide from them. The amount of panicked office phone calls I'd get saying they couldn't find you was ridiculous. You even took off a few times trying to avoid them. Jack was furious at both the school for letting you get away without an adult and at the nannies. So many got fired that kindergarten year and the school got threatened with lawsuits a couple of times as well." Shit that's not how I remember it I always thought they forgot about me. "The nannies I felt sorry for, the school- Jack was a very wealthy man at that stage, one of the wealthiest in California. Anyone could of taken you, your father and I even discussed bodyguards for you." She got quiet then, I think remembering that the bodyguards may have also been out of necessity for my father's shitty business dealings. I feel fingers in my hair at the base of my neck and turn to look at her.
Her eyes are heavy and I know the medication and the conversation has worn her out. It's time for them to leave. "You ready to call it a night?" She nods. As I stand and pull her up, my mother gets up as well.
"We should let you both get an early night. Brandon would you mind driving me to my hotel?"
"Not at all, you can tell me more stories about Steve and Dylan I need ammunition."
"Brandon you know I know all your stories too? You tease them too much and I'll share how you were obsessed with driving around my barbies in your tonka truck."
He sends his twin a pointed glare as both Steve and I laugh. "That's between you and I."
"Oh relax it's not like I'm going to give them too much ammunition, like I'd never show them the pictures of when you were going through that stage of wanting to be my identical twin."
I subtly move her behind my back Brandon looks murderous, Steve looks like he just won another half court shot. She's giggling again having fun at her twins discomfort.
"I'm getting Val on the phone she'll send me the pictures of your bowl hair cut in second grade. The one you had to get after you tried to give yourself bangs and cut them too short."
She sasses from behind me. "The pictures were destroyed."
"Only our copies, Val still had one when she was packing up for Buffalo." Brenda glares daring him to take it that far.
The twins stare off is eventually interrupted by my mother when she realises that stubbornness runs strong in the Walsh gene pool. By the time they leave and Bren's in bed, the house tidied and me showered- I am wrecked, though my mum's stories kept running through my head. I remember my childhood differently but maybe that was only once she left, maybe kindergarten hadn't been how I remembered it. Kelly had once accused me of looking up her dress on the swings but I knew immediately that wasn't me. I was a kid nervous of the ocean waves, an ocean I loved. I would be too fearful to look up a classmates dress and risk getting in trouble. Maybe in my desperation to find a connection with her when nothing else had clicked I had rewritten my history, it wouldn't be the first time I'd done that with her but it was the first time I had not been aware that I was rewriting it, maybe she had done it as well. I guess lying to myself should be added to my list of mistakes.
After checking on Art one last time I crawl into bed, I want my girl close again but I want her to come to me. Having her enter my space, having her take it further by running her fingers through the end of my hair, I had forgotten how amazing it felt to have her show me affection. She was the only person to ever make me feel loved by her touch, Kelly had made me feel desired at times but her touch hadn't felt warm. I know now that it wasn't the temperature of my girls hands but rather the love that radiated from her skin setting mine alight, sending warmth through me. God I missed it.
"You're thinking too loudly."
I chuckle but try and sound apologetic. "Sorry I will tell my inner thoughts to be a little quieter."
She turns to me and gives me her sassy smile. "Thank you I'd appreciate it." She closes her eyes but reaches out and taps my chest. "You want to talk about it?"
"It's nothing imp-"
"Hmm your loud thoughts woke me from sleep, we aren't lying to each other remember?"
I cover her hand that had stopped tapping my chest and was now resting on my heart. "Besides thinking of you, I have been going over what Mum said. I remember it differently, in my memory I always thought they forgot to pick me up, that I had to walk home often."
She moves her hand down my chest and then moves closer to me placing her head where her hand had just been. I wrap my arm around her holding her in place as my fingers begin to play with her silky hair. "Kindergarten right, at a school full of rich kids, and kids of film and tv stars, in one of the most expensive zip codes in the country, meaning it is one of the best resourced schools in the country based on land tax. Do you think they would ever risk letting five or six year olds walk home without at least an older sibling to pick them up?"
Fuck she was right, the eighties were all about stranger danger, why hadn't either of us questioned why the teachers wouldn't have called home if our parents didn't arrive to collect us? "No."
"Iris is flakey, I love her but even I know she has some interesting ideas. Do you think she would let Art walk home alone at five or six? That she'd forget about him?"
My Mum loved her grandson and watching her with Erica she was attentive to them. "No."
"Remember that acting class I did the summer of sophomore year?"
"The one where you were crushing on the creepy drama te-"
"Yeah that's the one. You are one word answer guy for every other question but that one requires detail." She pinches me a little, I laugh and grab her hand bringing her fingers to my mouth and bite them slightly in retaliation. She breaths deep and takes a moment to focus.
"Anyway I had to act out a scene a memory, requiring me to tap into my emotions. I couldn't do it, I tried to force them remembering being lost in the mall, I would have been about kindergarten age. I couldn't make it work, I wore an old Minnesota coat from the time and got myself in a real panic trying. Dad came in as I was practising and thought I was crazy, and not in his usual way. He asked what I was doing and I explained I was trying to tap into the emotions of being alone, scared in the mall as a young child. He laughed and said I wasn't scared, maybe a little at the end when I was found and realised I had been lost, but I had spent the time he was looking for me riding the elevators having great fun."
She moves her head up right so her chin is resting nearly on my chest, she looks at me. "Dylan memories can be altered by time, other emotions can warp them. I bet being abandoned by your mother not long after has made you feel she abandoned you all your life. If you want to know the truth ask her, Iris doesn't lie she'd tell you if she was a shit mother back then, but you may have to accept that some of your truths have been distorted to fit your own narrative to help you deal with the shit they put you through, forget any good- make you miss it less." I rub my fingers over her cheek, she hadn't told me they were good parents or dismissed my crappy upbringing just that I may not remember exactly how it happened that I may have washed away the good to protect myself.
"I love you."
She's startled by my response but smiles and then resumes using my chest as her pillow. "Of course you do as I'm an awesome best friend, but buddy our sleepovers will have to stop if we keep staying up all night chatting." She still doesn't believe me or won't allow herself to believe me, I squeeze her tight but don't say another word, tread carefully running through my brain.
I wake before Arthur's early morning feed and immediately am uncomfortable, I take the pump into the lounge room and express and then dump out the milk. While I'm up I get his bottle ready and then collect my son from his bed and begin feeding him, Dylan wakes a few minutes in grumbling in his sleep that I stole his job. Once he has been feed and burped, I move to go change his diaper but Dylan is having none of it. It was our deal.
The morning passes with us being lazy and having a family morning in bed, though Dylan does get up to make coffee and grab me a yoghurt and fruit. At nine the realtor calls, the Malibu owner is trying for another twenty grand, Dylan counters with ten. The Birds street house doesn't want a two week close as the developer wants out of the property, his open plan living design having resulted in a longer time on the market than he planned, he doesn't want to pay another mortgage repayment. If we can settle by Friday it's ours even with the lowball offer, Dylan is thrilled and agrees. We need to collect the deposit cheque and he has to sign contracts immediately. Lazy morning gone.
While I get organised for the day he speaks to my father in his office, the tension is clear with Dylan reminding him that he is just a client in this matter. By the time it's sorted Dylan is frustrated, but after a reminder that he has bought the McKay Family home he is back feeling elated. As we are getting ready to go my Doctor calls, he has the results from Friday and wants to discuss them, when I tell him about the night before he wants to see me today.
The next few hours pass with cheque pick up's as the Malibu offer was also accepted, Dylan signing contracts though I'm shocked and a little annoyed that he has them written in both our names. He stresses it's in case anything happens to him that it's easier this way, it's logical but I think there is more to it based on his pleased smile at my acceptance to sign; I know there is when he tells me that we just bought our first two McKay family homes and investment.
We go to my Doctors after that and Dylan asks to come in, he doesn't push but I can see he wants to know what's going on. Last night could have been worse if he didn't spot the signs and hadn't known what to do. I let him in, I guess living with him it's important he knows. Once the Doctor gets the details and the pressure readings from last night and this morning he begins discussing my test results.
"Brenda from your platelet count it appears your liver is starting to show signs of damage and your X-ray showed early pulmonary edema- fluid in the lungs, it's probably why you have been more tired recently." I reach for Dylan's hand. "It's early so we should be able to reverse it but the gentle approach you've taken for the last eight weeks needs to stop, your body is not fixing itself. While it's lower the longevity of the increase pressure on your veins and organs is now taking its toll, if we don't address this immediately we could be looking at permanent damage."
Dylan jumps in, "what's the non-gentle approach?"
"Medication. Blood pressure, Anti-seizure and Anti-coagulant medication. We'll keep it as low as possible so Brenda can still breastfeed but high enough to be effective. Are you still dream feeding him at night?"
"Yeah."
"Okay well if that feed can be expressed then I think the best time for your medication is after his evening feed, it will give the longest time between medication and his morning feed. Your body will absorb the medication and only minimal amounts will pass into his milk. It will be completely safe for him at those low levels." I look down I don't want this, Dylan squeezes my hand and shuffles his chair closer.
"Baby he'll be fine. If you get worried we can bottle feed his four-thirty morning feed as well. You were saying just this morning he is due to lose a day time nap soon and that his morning feed may be pushed closer to six when he hits four months. You taking medication won't be a big deal to him but it's important for you, it will fix this." He looks at my Doctor, "right?"
"The medication should get her body back to normal and then after the lungs and liver are back to functioning again properly we will start gradually reducing the dose. Your body should then be able to take over and hold the pressure."
It sounded like I had no other option, "okay medication it is."
As my Doctor goes through the process in detail I listen but I'm not absorbing the information, Dylan though has begun to take notes, asking questions, confirming diet needs, how much rest, exercise requirements while on the medication, the regular blood tests I'll take Monday in preparation for my Friday visit with the Doctor. He asks every question he can and records the responses.
We make it back to the car and put Art in his seat and he goes to help me in but stops and literally grabs on to me for dear life, I return it with equal measure, I need my best friend now. "Let's get you home so you can rest."
"You are going to be such a mother hen now aren't you?"
"You bet your arse I am. Anyone who dares come near you to upset you is fucking out the door, you are doing nothing but focusing on you and Art."
"I don't remember all he said but he thinks that my liver and lungs should be fine and the medication regiment should work. I probably should have stayed on it longer than six weeks after the birth, he was just so little being a few weeks early and from the pregnancy, I didn't want to risk it."
"Hey, he said that for some the body corrects itself once it's close to normal. You were close to normal for over four weeks, if you stayed in Minnesota away from the drama of LA you probably would be fine now. I'm sorry your home coming has been like this, maybe you should have stayed and waited till it was normal." He hates the idea but he is being sincere, he'd give up the last few weeks with his son for me to be better.
"No. I wanted Art to know you, I wanted you to know… well from the start but I wanted you to be okay first and then I needed him to be okay. I couldn't wait any longer you and your son needed each other." I reach for his hand.
"You wanted me to be okay, Baby I was never going to be okay without you. My life would always be a mess. You make me okay, you settle my demons and bring out a man in me I like, one that doesn't exist without you." He squeezes my hand. "Let's get you home."
As we are driving I'm staring out the window running through the day's events, when we stop at the lights I move to look at Dylan. "Can you turn left please?"
"Now?"
"Yeah."
"We should get you home it's already been a big day and-"
"Right after this we can go home. I promise it will be fun."
Seventy minutes later, Dylan is dragging his feet, carrying our son and looking at me like I'm crazy. Under his breath he keeps grumbling, "this is fun? She needs to get out more. Son never go anywhere if Mum say's it will be fun, she doesn't understand what fun means."
When I have finally found the fabric I like I look at Dylan, "what do you think?"
"Isn't that the same one you just showed me?"
"No this thread is a little tighter, more durable, right?" I look at the sales assistance.
"Absolutely, it will last forever and will hold up to your son and any future kids jumping around on it." The future kids has him finally engaged and he moves his hand around my waist.
"I'm not sure any couch material will survive six kids." I blush and elbow him slightly in the side, he chuckles and grabs me tighter. The sales assistant looks uncertain of how to respond to the insufferable man standing next to me.
"We'll take the two couches in this material in the latte colour, the brown leather armchairs and the pillows- four dark navy in the large size, four in the next size down in the French linen stripe and then the pattern design in the smaller size. Dylan was it the first rug you liked the best?"
He pretends he is nodding off, "sorry it's still Monday right?" I give him a look. "I liked the wool one with the dark colour through it, it didn't give me a headache like the others." I roll my eyes.
"The first one then, it does come in the size needed for the living room?"
"Yes it does. Now the dining table you have already ordered has a matching circle coffee table as well, would you like to see that?"
As I say yes, Dylan starts to fake cry into our son's neck. As the sales assistant begins to walk in the direction of the coffee table I look at him. "You wanted us to go shopping for house stuff immediately."
"Yes but I didn't think you would look at a white, beige and latte- like that is even a colour, material sample book for twenty minutes. We haven't had lunch and you've been up too long." He was worried.
"I've been mainly sitting since we came in." As we walk to follow her, I look at him. He is right we haven't had anything to eat since breakfast and that was hours ago. "Okay let's see if this table will work and then at least the lounge room is pretty much furnished. Thank god for the built in book cases in the study, with the desk you chose that is pretty much done as well. I was going to ask her to show us beds after this for the master but that can wait, you can always take your current one until we find one you like."
He gets a look of panic across his face and then rushes out, "no I always have energy to take you to bed." My raised eyebrow has him going over his last words in his head, he sends me a cheeky smile, "sorry I always have enough energy to try out beds with you, no that's dirty as well. I always want to test mattresses with you, no still dirty. I'm always up for bouncing on a mattress with you-"
I shake my head in amusement. "You aren't even trying to make it clean." He's almost giddy, "what happened to hungry, tired and I hate shopping?"
"I don't hate shopping for our home, I hate looking at the same white material for twenty minutes where you ask me to keep rubbing my hands against it like I feel or see anything different, but choosing furniture for our home and then choosing our new bed well I'm all up for that."
I almost pass out when I see the total and Dylan chuckles at my scared eyes, he passes me our son and begins to make out the cheque while confirming the rush order on the couch and the drop off on Saturday at noon at the Bird's street house. He leans over once he is finished and takes our son and then slides the paper with the many zeros in front of me and passes me the pen. I look at him strangely then remember it needs both our signatures due to the amount. When I get in the car my legs are hurting and within minutes my body feels like lead, the excitement of the shopping leaving my body in an instant. Dylan stops at the Mexican place we had the other night and runs in grabbing some takeout. He's not gone long but Art is sleeping and I'm almost joining him by the time he gets back.
Once home Art is transferred to his crib and I'm needing to express before I can eat. When I come back to the living room I'm in my sweats and I'm dragging my feet, Dylan has laid out the food on the coffee table and though not cold enough yet he has started a fire. Throughout our late lunch we discuss the new house and the other items we will need to get. Dylan wants me to pick everything down to the tableware, he wants everything to feel like ours. It's a running theme and his new obsession, well that and his new Texas King bed. It's an offensive size but the room can take it and even if it couldn't Dylan was sold the moment the sales assistant advised that all six kids could climb in with us on lazy Sunday mornings. He smiled at that, I elbowed him again.
When lunch is over I go to lay down on the futon, Dylan puts a pillow in his lap so I can stretch out. In minutes I'm asleep with Dylan running his hands through my hair. I feel him eventually move in my sleep but it's not till a few hours later that I have enough energy to open my eyes. Iris is there when I wake reading a story in the armchair to Art. Dylan she tells me has gone to collect my prescriptions that the Doctor phoned in for me and to pick up some groceries. He comes in a little while later to me feeding Art and smiles, he knows how much I like taking care of our son this way.
Iris and Dylan make dinner together which gives them a chance to talk, as I play with Art I can hear them discuss his childhood. He's asking questions and listening. He even asks about the car accident that gave him his scar on Valentine's Day. I'm so invested in their stories that the knock on the door startles me, before I can move from the couch Dylan is moving to the door wiping his hand on a cloth. When he opens the door he is meet with my parents, as they walk in my twin follows looking uneasy.