Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. Poem Le Lac 'The Lake' by Alphonse de Lamartine.
Chapter Nineteen: No More Treading Carefully
He takes a deep breath, "you are struggling to believe but there is nothing that is going to stop us being best friends. Put an ocean between us and we would still be connected, still be there for the other. If life ever throws anything too hard at us we will always reach out, come find the other- we are each other's sanctuary. You may not like what I tell you. You may have doubts and in the short term not see a romantic relationship as possible. You may put walls up in our friendship but we will take them down together. We'll never not be Brenda and Dylan, me telling you everything and then giving you time to make your way back to us will help you see that, trust in it again."
"How do you know that?"
"I have to have faith that a seventeen year old's mistake made out of fear and an eighteen year old's attempt of running away won't destroy my whole life. I have faith that the intensity of our love; that love that scared the hell out of us from the moment it formed, will actually save us. That it was able to bring me back to you when I attempted to run away and that it will bring you back if you need to run now."
"And if it doesn't?"
He moves closer to me, "I know you block it but do you remember the strength of it? Remember the lawn the day after our first kiss when that connection was establishing, setting up roots- we began to become in sync with the other. Remember the depth of it as we gave blood, sharing a new intimacy- it was then that I realised it was limitless. Remember the intensity of it as we went to those concerts- it was ferocious in its need for the other." He moves into my space. "Remember the night nearly a year ago where it had been starved, not feed enough, it took over all reasoning- the intensity of its release removed all blocks between us and formed another person from our love, it gave us Art."
My skin buzzes as he moves a piece of my hair behind my ear, it's the first touch I've had from him since I removed myself from his embrace the night before. "It will bring you back to me and I'll be waiting, you may run for a little while, I wont like it because distance between us hurts but I'll wait. I'll wait for you for forever, I'll wait for our connection, our intense love to clear the fog of the pain and betrayal. You'll come back to me, to us."
He moves his hand down and captures my own and then brings it to his mouth, laying a kiss on the back of it. "My mother told me to tread carefully, to make sure you don't put a permanent wall between us. For days, weeks, since that summer I have lived in fear of that- you letting go forever. If I had trusted our love then I would have been honest on that beach blanket, you may have run but you would have come back, I wouldn't have tainted us, poisoned us. If I trusted it I would have never tried to hold off telling you, pretending the decision was hard when in fact I feared having to tell you about my betrayal and not the choice. I'm done with fear, I'm not going to tread lightly, I'm going to be me, exactly who I am, the guy you fell for. I'm hoping me being me, not holding back, not second guessing, not letting my fear and hurt make me act differently will show you that you can once again be you again. Be the confident, strong, fiery, opinionated and passionate woman who doesn't let me or anyone else tell her what to do." Not having dropped my hand he once again brings it to his lips and lays a kiss on my palm. "So dinner Thursday?"
I nod, he's right I need to stop living in the neutral zone. It's time I stop letting my life happen to me, it was time to take control. But before that I needed to acknowledge my pain and hear how bad the betrayal had been, from there I could make decisions on my life. His smile of relief at my acceptance is immediate. "I have to go to that woman's lecture now with the girls."
"Okay I'll meet you for lunch at the same spot as last week." As I begin to walk away he grabs my hand, I turn to look at him. "Don't let it get to you, from her ideas Lucinda obviously has never had someone seriously love her."
I shake my head, "Kelly believes them to."
"Kelly has only Steve's puppy love to go off." I give him a look. "I told you on that phone call in the hospital, I have never told anyone that I love them besides you. You can call me a liar about a lot of things over the last eighteen months but I have never said those words to her. I never felt them. I know what true love feels like any emotion other than that pales in comparison."
As I walk away I think of what he said, he didn't say he didn't feel anything for her just that it wasn't love. I don't know which is better that he chose someone he didn't love or that he felt something for her. Thursday was going to be horrible.
Since giving up treading carefully Dylan had spent the last twenty four hours being an older version of how he was during that sophomore summer and junior year. He is constantly in my space but not in an over bearing way, it's like he doesn't even register he's there. When we were together we didn't have designated self space it was just unnatural for us not to be touching. I remember sitting and talking in the quad with the gang in junior year, and I looked over to find he had been holding my hand playing with my fingers the whole time. I never noticed when he did that the buzz of our skin together had felt so natural our magic felt like it was the missing piece of me, when he was away from me that's when my body would feel foreign like it wasn't right. It's a feeling I had now grown use to, me not feeling right.
Art stays in daycare on Wednesday afternoon so I can go and buy kitchen items, sheets and anything else on my massive shopping list. By the time I meet the girls for the sorority meeting at the pit I'm exhausted. As I walk in I wonder if I'm finally going to meet Suzanne. Erica feels like my… like Dylan it's a mix of sister and daughter emotions, it's probably normal after caring for her so soon into meeting her. Neither Dylan or I had established a sibling bond with her by the time she was staying with us so it's probably unsurprising that our bonds have begun to form with dualistic feelings.
"Brenda sweetheart it's so good to see you. Dylan and your Brother have said you were doing well but it's good to see it with my own eyes." Nat's boisterous voice has died down as he made his way around the counter to give me a hug, but after his eyes scan my face he gives me a concerned look and starts guiding me to our table scared that I may fall down again. "You are okay? Dylan swore you were on Friday but Erica was with him and that girl seriously loves you. Every afternoon she is in here she refuses to take more than one treat from me or even Suzanne. Her mother tried to give her hot chips as her afternoon snack yesterday and she refused to have more than a quarter asking for a carrot and cucumber instead. Apparently you and Dylan make her a veggie plate everyday after school."
I smile, "we do, well Dylan does while I chat with her about her day. I hope Suzanne's not offended that she is doing that, I'd hate for her to feel that we were making a comment about her parenting. Erica is a lovely girl Suzanne has done an amazing job raising her."
Nat gets a strange look, "I think that's all Erica. She's very independent of her mother she keeps herself entertained and is a very contained child." That's not the description I'd give for her but maybe Dylan and I are a novelty and in an unknown space she feels like she needed to be more animated and affectionate.
"Is Suzanne here, I have yet to meet her?"
"No she did the opening shift today, I walked Erica to the school bus stop when I arrived. Poor kid looked exhausted from the early morning but that's the job, Suzanne does mornings, days and close like the rest of us."
"I'm sure she is fine but I'll chat to Dylan about offering to Suzanne for Erica to sleep over the nights before the breakfast shifts. From what I understand Suzanne hasn't any family so she probably didn't want to impose and ask, it may take a while for her to understand that we are happy to help. Erica even has her own room at the Bird Street house."
Donna along with my other sorority sisters had been listening to Nat and I, interrupts, "Bird street house?"
"Yeah Dylan and I found a house we loved for Art. They accepted the offer on Monday, we actually get the keys on Friday as it's a quick close. It's another reason why I'm so tired I've been shopping all afternoon, Dylan wants only Arthur's and Erica's new stuff brought over from the current place, well that and his books. While we purchased the main bedroom, the study, lounge room and dining room furniture on Monday afternoon I still have a list as long as my arm to shop for. At least this afternoon I got the rest of the essentials for the move on Saturday."
Nat offers me coffee to help restore my energy and while tempted I decline. Instead I ask for a tea and a salad without dressing, just lemon and oil. He gives me a look worried that I am not getting any of my usuals but when I explain my very restrictive diet he understands. After I officially greet the girls, Kelly finally makes comment on the house purchase.
"So it's official you guy's are moving in together then?"
"No it's not official we are still trying to figure out logistics but Dylan is excited for an official McKay family home, he hasn't had one since he moved at seven from the Estate he lived on with his parents. Iris is excited to. She was over last night for dinner going through all her purchases for the guest house on the property, she is thrilled to have a permanent home in LA so close to her son and grandson. I think she'll be spending a good part of the year here or at least be a regular visitor."
Andrea's eyes go big, "it has a guest house how big is the property?" I understand her shock, the Walsh homes have always been lovely but they were still not overly large, our current house was only three bedrooms it was tiny by Beverly Hills standards.
"It's a 1950s property but it has just been renovated. One of the old owners was in the music industry so they had a studio built into the trees that surround part of the property. It's been renovated into a guest house which is great as Iris can have her own separate space: a little kitchen, lounge area and loft bedroom, it also has enough cleared space around it for a garden which she is already planning a meditation area in."
"Dylan wants his mum living there? He's never had much time for her, you can't blame him though after she just dumped him on Jack and went to find herself." What, she doesn't know the story, that she was threatened to be ruined with a long legal battle and then payed off to leave Dylan alone. She broke that deal with the occasional contact, it was unsurprising that the play she took her son to see in New York at such a young age was Love Letters, a play about love being separated by distance but still there. They all knew that she had given Dylan a trust fund but the context of how that came about was between Dylan and her. She hadn't even told my parents the full story, Dylan had told me and Iris was aware of that, but to not tell Kelly when they were together seems strange.
"Dylan and Iris' relationship is theirs and their family history is not something we should discuss, it's not something Dylan would be comfortable with, but he was the one who asked if he could offer the house to his mother and for her to decorate it."
"He asked you, wait I though Dylan was buying the house?" Donna isn't being mean she just seems genuinely confused.
I was not going to disclose that the property was in both of our names, along with the Malibu land. "It's a home for Art and a second home for Erica. Dylan and I discuss anything that relates to Art or Erica if she is in our care. Anyway Donna, is David doing better?"
"No, between the radio station, school and the divorce it's all taking its toll. He's so grumpy these days and snaps at everything."
"Mel is being pretty full on with custody of Erin my mum is pretty stressed about it, but Donna I think David's issues are more than that." We spend the next little while talking about David, he seems pretty erratic. We haven't been super close but we have spent some time together, I also know he helped Dylan at Jack's memorial. Dylan would want to know if he wasn't doing okay.
When I arrive back to the house I'm surprised to see my brother's cars there, and as I walk in the door I'm even more surprised to see boxes neatly arranged and the bookshelves bare. "Whats going on in here?"
Steve comes and drapes his arm over my shoulder, "Dylan conned us. He told us he wanted Art to have a guy's afternoon with his uncles and dad. In reality he wanted help packing up the house so you wouldn't try and do it."
Dylan comes into the room with Art just as Steve lifts his arm from my shoulder, he sends a mock glare at the older McKay that has me smiling. Dylan is only focused on our son so he doesn't see Steve's exaggerated expression but he must have heard Steve's complaints from the bedroom, "is he saying I conned him? I didn't, I wanted them to play with Art while I packed up the place but our son is a little clingy today."
"He's acting like a McKay full loner mode, except for his Dad." As my son reaches for me Brandon adds, "and his mum it seems."
I look to my twin, "its probably a lot to do with the changes in his nursing routine. The comfort he gets from that is important and it's been a couple of days of him being bottled feed for a lot of his feeds." I look to Dylan in concern, my son has a little death grip on my clothes.
"Don't even think about it. The medication is necessary and our little guy is like his parents he is resilient he will get used to this new routine." He comes over and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me but resting his hands on Art's back, he speaks to his son over my shoulder. "See Mummy and Daddy are here, and you are fine little man." As he is being held I feel his little body loosen up a little, he obviously is a little tense from all the changes. Dylan must sense my worry, "he is fine Baby, he just needs a little more cuddles from us. He can have his afternoon catnap in one of our arms and Mum's not coming over tonight so he will just have an evening with his parents. He will be fine. Won't you buddy?" He tickles Art on his side that sends my son into a squeal he then begins to play pick a boo with him over my shoulder. Art is happily gurgling the whole time.
After a few minutes of Brandon observing us he finally shares what's on his mind. "Don't take this the wrong way Sis but you look wrecked." Dylan instantly stops and moves to look at me, his concern flashes across his face as he shakes his head.
He leads me to the couch and frustratingly asks, "did they upset you?"
"No I went shopping after class. I may have tried to do too much especially after a very intensive drama workshop this morning."
He kneels down to look at me, "I thought you said you were only going to one store?"
"I did but they had a great sale so I ended up getting everything we need to move in on Saturday. The rest can now be gradually purchased." He shakes his head again and begins to take off my boots.
"In other words your obsessive organising kicked in and you got excited to be scratching off items on your to do list forgotting to listen to your body, then rather than cancel on the girls you pushed yourself even more. Did you at least have lunch?" As he is grumbling he begins to massage my feet.
"I was fine. Nat got me a tea and a salad he even grilled some chicken to give me some protein."
"You ate after shopping and not before?" I send him my most innocent smile, he grumbles in frustration.
"I'm going to light a fire and you are not to move from this sofa. Would you like tea or pomegranate juice?"
"Juice please." He gives me a worried look. "It was a really good sale."
"Baby I don't give a shit about the money. We should have hired you a personal shopper or something so you wouldn't have to run around so much or you should have waited so I could have taken you."
"I hate to tell you this but I have more fun shopping alone, you are like a two year old when it comes to looking at household things."
"Hey, I was great with Art and Erica's furniture shopping and testing the couches for comfort, and picking our desk, and I tried every bed in the store without complaint."
"That's because you found it funny to make inappropriate comments after each of them, the sale assistant eventually said just to call her back when we had decided she was that unsure of how to respond to your remarks."
"I was not being inappropriate, I was merely commenting on their firmness, bounce and noise lev-"
The clearing of throats from my brother's reminded us that we had an audience, Dylan bites his lip to stop himself from laughing an indication that he forgot about our company. "I'll get your juice and then light the fire." My cheeks are still red as he leaves the room.
Brandon comes and sits next to me while Steve takes the armchair, "is he always like that?"
"A pain when shopping? Yes."
"I think Brandon was referring to him always being so caring to you, even when not medically required." I give him a questioning look. "Your boots are off, he has massaged your feet, rested your feet on the coffee table with a pillow underneath and now is getting you juice."
I look at the setup I'm currently in and notice it for the first time. Dylan has been attentive to me since I arrived back from Minnesota I didn't take it for granted but I guess it had become part of our routine since my return. It was only lessened when I became standoffish giving him less access to me physically, but something told me since our conversation yesterday morning that he wouldn't be allowing that to interfere with him taking care of me anymore. As he comes back in the room I nod at my brother's.
As Dylan is lighting a fire I begin to tease Brandon about Lucinda, Steve leans forward and rubs his hands together, this is a type of sport for him. "Brenda you have to realise she's hot and your brother has a thing for hot crazy types, look at Emily."
"That's true and I can't believe I'm going to say this but if there is a choice between Lucinda and Emily, twin pick Emily."
"I haven't spoken to Emily since she moved back to San Fransisco and nothing is going on with me and Lucinda since I realised she is married."
I reach over and squeeze his hand, "you need to date more appropriate women Brandon, you seem to always go for the ungettable types."
"Who was your favourite? Mine was the ice skater, no Sandy."
"Gross Steve she was too old."
"You're one to talk, what about the older guy you dated when you first moved to LA?"
Dylan swings his head around at that, "what older guy? You said nothing happened with your drama te-"
"Nothing did happen and it was when we first arrived, we didn't even know you yet."
"How many dates?" He can't be serious, he gives me an impatient look as he waits for my response.
"We met at a club and hung out all night and then had one more date, I told him my age at the end of the date it rightfully ended after that."
He instantly looks to Brandon in shock, "you let her go to a club in LA by herself?"
My twin is instantly on the defensive, "she went with Kelly and Donna."
"Of course they encouraged you to talk to someone too old for you." Dylan is still put out by this new information about my history, it's amusing considering his history before we dated.
"They weren't there, they didn't get in."
He closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I guess we should be lucky that a guy wanting to date you is the worst thing that happened to you being in a club in LA."
His goes back to lighting the fire but is a little more loud with the twisting of the paper. "So a girl for my twin, any ideas Steve?"
"Please I'm still looking for my Stephanie, you know your nurse from last week didn't turn out to be her. She looked different without the nurse uniform." I chuckle causing my son who was watching the room from my arms to vibrate some, it causes him to gurgle along.
"You shouldn't have stuffed up you and Celeste, I liked her a lot." He gives me a shamed head nod. When he rang the morning after his indiscretion he asked for advice, honesty was what I insisted on with Celeste and to at least contact the girl he slept with and tell her that he had a girlfriend and wasn't interested in anything more than friendship. He rang day's later confirming he had taken my advice and Celeste had rightfully dumped him.
"Yeah, I stuffed that up. The Keg house has definitely brought out my bad tendencies."
He was right he was fighting the temptation but they did bring out his less than sweet side. "You should move out, after all the stuff with John Sears I'm surprised you stayed."
"Yeah but it's too late to get a dorm and I don't want to live alone, maybe I should move into the Bird Street house with you. It could be like Full House I'll be the hot Uncle Jesse."
Dylan losses all colour in his face at the idea. Brandon jumps in, "I'd be Uncle Jesse, you'd be Uncle Joey just less funny."
"Neither of you are cool enough to be Uncle Jesse, in our Full House it would be Dad Jesse- I at least have the hair and the motorcycle." I'm back shaking in laughter, is this what guy's talk about? "But no chance in hell are you moving into the Bird Street house, though Bren and I were going to rent this place out. If you are interested-"
"Seriously?" Dylan looks to me, it wasn't my call but I know he would wait till I gave him my support, I nod in agreement. Steve see's and cheers, "I'll need a roommate, Brandon what do you say?"
"Hmm I don't know, Jim is pretty tense at the moment he may not take this well and if Brenda and Art are still staying at the house I don't want to leave them alone there." He gives me a questioning look.
I sigh, Dylan hadn't pushed this discussion and I had avoided my mother's calls only returning them when I knew she'd be in class so they'd go straight to the answering machine. It was something I needed to decide upon quickly, as I look at my son and how clingy he was after I stopped nursing him for just two of his daily feeds I knew that another change may be even more difficult. Taking his Dad away from him even for a few days a week may be too much. Living with Dylan full time though, well I couldn't see that working, and that was before he wanted our dinner tomorrow- god knows how I will feel after that.
Dylan understanding my silence on the subject was a clear indication I wasn't ready to discuss the housing situation moved to the baby bag and gets out my nursing cover, it was coming up on the time for his late afternoon catnap.
While I nursed, Steve and Dylan discussed logistics, Rush was funding his College years which included a healthy allowance for accommodation. Dylan not having to pay realtors commission on the rent gave Steve a reasonable price on the property and advised that the place could be rented as is, furniture included. Dylan even offered that if he was serious about taking it he'd throw in a new couch and two beds in the bedrooms. Even without Brandon Steve could make the rent work and was keen to accept. It was close enough to campus that he could still be involved but it gave him distance from his Keg brothers. He didn't mention a roommate again but I knew he wanted Brandon who would wait to hear what I wanted to do. Steve did ask Dylan how he felt about him adding his Sanders flare to the property. Dylan and I instantly take on a look of fear, this could be a bad idea.
Dylan bravely asks, "what exactly is Sanders flare?"
"Well take this colour for instance would we call this hospital cream? And the rustic look I dig it but I'm not woodsy and neither are you McKay, so I thinking some paint, a rug, maybe an outdoor foosball table on the porch. If I got a cover out there I could put some weights out there for the day's I don't go to the gym on campus."
"So you want to paint the inside of the house and change the porch. I'm cool with that, Bren?" Dylan was cool with that I was shocked, it would like a completely different house.
"Yeah but don't just paint the wood shelving in here make sure you do it properly, take off the varnish, sand and prime first." The three of them look at me. "What Erica and I like watching Home Improvement it's funny and Al gives great renovation tips."
They leave not long after that and Dylan and I have a quiet evening at home. Once Art is asleep he writes in his writing journal in the armchair while I read through my weekly readings taking notes on the couch. When I grumble for the third time whilst reading our weekly poetry readings he continues writing but asks, "which one has you annoyed?"
"I'm not annoyed, I'd just like these poets to be a little more logical."
"Which poet is not being logical?"
"All of them." He finally puts down his pen and looks at me asking for more detail. "Fine it's The Lake."
"That translation is good but you may prefer it in it's original form, I just packed the book today let me grab it."
I mumble, "of course you have the non translated text."
"What was that dear?" His sarcasm a clear indicator that I wasn't as quiet as I thought I was.
"From the poet's name I assume it's in French because if it's Spanish I'll need to stick to the English version?"
He comes in front of me and sits on the coffee table. "Yes it's in French. We'll need to work on your Spanish though, it would be good to spend spring break in Baja with Art. The ocean temperature will be warmer down south so Art can try the water a little more, and hopefully by then you'll be completely recovered, it can be our first family holiday."
"So this poem?"
"You know that it's about a lost love, a love that was almost had but death took one away before they could meet up again liked planned. After her death he is remembering their night together on the lake, wishing for time to stand still so he could live in that time with her again, he sees the lake now as the keeper of their love." I'm hit with a sense of déjà vu, this moment hasn't happened before I know but I'm hit with feelings I haven't believed in in a long time, how he used to make me feel like I was loved like the women written about in poetry. "Would you like me to read it in French to you?" I don't trust my voice so I nod.
It's a long poem and somehow along the way he has moved closer leaning into my space more, or maybe it was me who leaned first. "Tout dise : " Ils ont aimé !" As he finishes the poem he closes the book and moves even closer to me, he touches my lips with his fingers. "Qu'est-ce que je ne donnerais pas pour t'embrasser maintenant." He comes closer and closes his eyes his lips are just an inch away. "I promised myself I wouldn't kiss you until you knew everything, that when we are together again it will be forever and you'll know that I can be trusted with your heart." His hands go into my hair, "but what I wouldn't give to kiss you now." He moves even closer, "fuck baby I've missed you."
Eventually his english words register I don't know everything there is more hurt for me, I move back. He lets me go and opens his eyes they are filled with disappointment. In his quiet breathy voice he asks, "did you find the logic in it?"
"She was married right, the woman who died that's why they weren't together?" I nod. "I wonder how her husband felt when this was released, did it erase all their years together." Her pointed look has me sitting back. "I wonder what it say's about a world where an affair, a betrayal is epitomised as one of the most romantic poems of all time. Your Byron was the same right, slept around on his wife, in love with his married half-sister." Walls, walls, walls I feel them now coming up. "I guess it's the catch that is romantic to some, the forbidden, the daily grind of life doesn't hold the same sparkle to that." She begins to pack her books up. "If she had lived and they had met up as planned, how long do you think it would be till one of them was off looking for their next sparkle."
Yeah I was done playing it safe, I had warned her. "I don't know Bren how long was it between cardio funk and your French boyfriend?"
She's surprised but eventually nods, "you're right. Maybe people are doomed to cheat until they find the one they never want to cheat on." She stands up. "That's clearly not us."
Fuck Thursday. "Sarah kissed me that time, I pushed her away and said no. Kelly, Kelly made the first move she touched me, it would have seemed friendly to anyone watching but it was an invitation. I remember looking at her hand wondering what the fuck she was doing, I knew I didn't want her touch."
"That didn't last long, though did it?"
"You weren't there, you weren't calling me, you were going to leave. I knew it as clear as day, we had destroyed it by moving too fast. I wanted you to stay here every night I wanted you with me, I wanted this life then. It was that want that destroyed us, we were too young then, we pissed off your father, your mother, hell even Brandon was annoyed at us, but we kept pushing. Then you came here and lived with me."
Her tone is quiet but there is a anger to it a clear accusation, "you hated it."
"I hated the wall you threw up. I wasn't allowed to touch you, you pretended you were fine, you wouldn't talk to me, you became obsessed with finding control because you felt so out of control."
"So it was my fault?"
"No I felt out of control to, I felt out of control since I had left you at the wedding. I had never left you before, I didn't think I was capable of leaving you. It made me spin, then you were spinning." I pause and take a breath, "then we stopped spinning. You came home from sitting in your father's chair at you parents house and we talked, we found each other. We calmed, for the first time in weeks we were us again."
"Then my father's disgusting deal. You took it without telling me?"
"It would have destroyed your relationship with him. You would have hated me for that, it was a deal with the devil and I was fucked either way." I go and take her hand and guide her to the couch. "How much do you want to know about that summer? I will tell you everything a day by day account, what I remember of our conversations, I will tell you as much or as little as you want to know."
"I don't want to hear it, I never want to hear it."
"That's your fear speaking, you have always been fearless with the truth. You need to know it otherwise you'll make it into something it wasn't."
"What wasn't it?"
"Love, it wasn't love. It wasn't the whole time you were gone, it wasn't anything until the last couple of weeks. It wasn't intimate, I didn't share all my secrets I never trusted her that way."
"I know." I give her a look. "She made a comment today about your mother being in your life how she had abandoned you to find herself. Don't worry I quickly shut down that conversation, she had no right speaking that way but you never told her about Iris, about Jack's deal with Iris?"
"No. You, my mother, Jack and I know how the full story about how that trust fund came into being, my Dad's threats and manipulations to ensure custody of me. Kelly has never been my secret keeper, she was never invited that far in. She was never supposed to be anything more than a moment in time."
"Then why?"
"Honestly, I couldn't keep getting rejected any more, you left me again. I know why you left I was such an arsehole when you came back I was so fucking angry that I had done that to you. There was no way you would ever forgive it in my mind. I should have trusted you then, given you the option. You would have forgiven me right?"
"What was I forgiving you for?"
"A handful of kisses and make outs, a couple of old movies, a surf lesson," she lets go of my hand I knew that one would hurt her. "A night sleeping on the beach."
"Well I guess that answers why she became obsessed with old movies senior year when she hadn't given a shit about them before… sleeping on the beach?"
"Kissing that's it."
"And the earring?"
"Kissing here on the couch when we watched an old movie." She goes to move I take her hand again. "Stop this is our home it has been for years. She has no claim to any of it, she has no claim to any part of my life. She never replaced you."
"Then I have no idea what it was about then, why you would do this to me, to us, if it was for nothing?"
"I'm right to think you would have forgiven me if I told you about her on that blanket, right?"
She's quiet for a long time but nods. "I may have run a way a bit at first."
"You would have been in your right to do that. In my mind you would have kept running, you would have left me like everyone else. Your Dad when he found out would have been right about me. I didn't expect for them to call and invite me over when you returned, I didn't think I would be welcomed again. I saw you walk down those stairs and I was hit with the knowledge I could hold you again openly and that it was fine. I remember smiling into that kiss, this weight lifted we were us again. Then I pulled away and I saw Kelly, dread took over. I was going to tell you so many times those first few days but then I chickened out I didn't want to ruin us again, not when I could finally be with you again in the open. Kelly began to act weird I called her out on it, I was angry that she was risking you finding out. If you were going to know it had to be me not Kelly, I knew that. She kept her promise and didn't say anything but she was around us more, you were worried for her I was feel guilty and panicking about us and now on top of that I was worried I hurt a friend by my actions. Those months were a mix of being guilty, angry at myself and this belief that it would be fine that we could get past it without you ever finding out."
"But that wasn't right was it? You knew I was not being honest, that something had shifted. I took it all out on you, I stop being there for you. You began working so hard to keep us normal and I began pulling back." I swallow the lump in my throat. "When you left me, I was so angry that you were running again that after I had worked so hard to try and work through this you were leaving me. I had finally started being a bit more honest, told you about the summer, and I thought we were coming out on the other side of this, that we were getting back on track. That night you left I sat here and I was so fed up with people leaving me fed up with you leaving me, I went to the one person who had chased me for years who I had known since kindergarten. I kissed her that night and told her it was time I started seeing her."
"I had been on the phone to her that night, telling her we had broken up."
"I know I walked in when you were talking to her."
"That quickly, you went to her that quickly?" She pushes my hands away. "Dylan what do you want me to do with all of this? Hear how you have made me into a fool, how you and Kelly got to hide this all from me the naïve midwestern girl who was so trusting. I believed that the bad boy of the school had reformed because he loved me, that the girl who I had defended from harsh West Bev gossip and had been warned to watch her with you; I listened to none of it, and here I am months of being played. You may have not told her your secrets but you just formed your own one with her and created a part of you that I wasn't aware existed, where I became the fucking naïve fool. I am never going to know if you are doing that again. I am never going to know if when you leave my side that there is not someone else. I am always going to be fearful of that because you created that side of yourself, you wanted her so much you made her a secret place to hide." She goes to move away and I move to stand in front of her.
"We aren't done here."
"What I know the rest of this, I know the rest of the back and forth the competition, the inability to choose- like me and her were the same. That you made me feel that your feelings for her were now the same. I don't need to hear that Dylan I know it all. I know you always wanted her that I was always second best." She laughs a humourless laugh and looks like she realised something. "I said that to her once, that at least I wasn't second best. She said she wasn't either." She shakes her head, "do you know what I love about this story that the more I find out the more I feel like an absolute fucking idiot. I always felt sorry for Emily Valentine that she was so desperate for Brandon's love that she made herself into a fool, and here I am finding out that I was a bigger one."
"You weren't a fool. I love you more than anything I have always loved you more than anything. I just got lost, I let my fear and hurt take over and I created a fucking situation that left her as the only option. If I hadn't gone to her house that night and you had dated Rick and it ended with you realising your mistake, we could have been honest then about it all. We could have made it work but I let my anger of you leaving take over and I made it worse, I went to her and made it worse. In my anger I then blamed you for it, I gave permission for everyone to blame you. I made the whole situation an absolute cluster fuck. You could have forgiven me for the summer, you may have even forgiven me for the date, but to forgive me for blaming you for it all, then not being able to choose. Kelly would have told you if I chose you, I wasn't that much of an idiot I knew then if I back away from Kelly you would know everything. If I told you everything then it would be officially over, I had kept adding more onto the mistake, so I tried to not choose to keep you close as long as I could."
"After that night in January I had hope, I really thought we were going to be us again. I had pulled back from Kelly and I thought that once you remembered how good we were together that maybe I had found away through this. I was so excited to finally introduce you to my Dad, for him to meet the girl I had spoken about for years. To meet the love of my life, but when I asked Kelly where you were and she said Jim wouldn't let you come I snapped- I was back in that office again." I rub my hair. "We went swimming and I said those words to her because I had nothing left. She asked if I had chosen her because you weren't there. I couldn't say yes so I told her maybe, but then I lied and made up something she would believe. I'm not even sure how she did believe that, I had rejected her all throughout freshman year, I had turned her down a couple of times in sophomore year, then turned her down again when we started our relationship and I had run straight to you on your return from Paris. She believed I had always wanted her because I said it, yet none of my actions had ever shown that to her."
"The park. Steve asked me if it was her idea to do it together and it was, he said Kelly would want it that way to ensure I could never go back to you, to damage our relationship so badly that it would leave me no choice. But it was also me I wanted her there as I knew she'd force me to finally tell you the truth. That if she wasn't there I would try and keep hiding it, I just didn't want you out of my life, I could never want that but she wouldn't keep lying now." As I had been speaking my eyes started to get heavy, I hated hurting her like this all over again.
"Is there anything else?" Her voice was so cold as if she had no feelings in this at all.
I nod. "The night of the senior pole pictures after she had run away. I went to the old school playground, I had told her about it that day. I had been writing my story about Jack and I, and remembering all these memories. Most of them weren't true, from our talk the other night and speaking with my mother, I now know for a long time I painted her as the bad parent when I was a child and Jack as the great father. I guess I even blamed his later behaviour on her being a flake. He had just died and we had had some special moments where we had connected, he had died finally trying to do the right thing. I was trying to connect to that time when I was a kid and I was visiting the old places. Anyway Kelly was there at the playground, she had had a fight with Jackie and was feeling low. I had just found out that she had been in a support group for eating disorders but hadn't made it past a few sessions as she was embarrassed. She was down and I was feeling guilty. We were fighting a lot, I wouldn't share my writing with her. She was telling me to go back to you, but I knew that she was in a bad way. I didn't know about the bathroom conversations, I didn't know how horrible she had been to you. I just thought I had damaged another person by my actions, who didn't deserve it. When I couldn't offer her acknowledgement of a love that didn't exist, I gave her a title that I knew she'd take in the wrong way. I prefixed it with a description that it was about our similar upbringings that we were two kids who had been forgotten by our parents, left to walk home alone. That we understood each other because of our shared experience."
"Why do I need to know this? What's next a blow by blow account of all the places and positions you did it in?"
"She is hurt. She wanted your Dylan the man I am only with you, the man you are only capable of bringing out of me. She didn't get him. She got a guy angry at the world, selfish and standoffish. She knew even when I was dating her that you still got the Dylan she wanted. She's angry and she she sees you as competition. I don't think its about wanting me back but she just doesn't want you to win. I don't want you blindsided by her. I don't want her to have anymore power to hurt you."
"Fine then say it."
"I told her that night I had been writing about her about how special we were. It wasn't a lie, I wrote about the history we shared how we understood each other because of those experiences. I know that history isn't how I remember it but I believed it at the time, two fucked up addicts finding each other. I believed back then that we had fundamental things in common… she was so upset I thought that if she understood that she was valued to me maybe not in love but in our shared history, that if she knew I felt we were connected in someway that-"
"Dylan just say it?"
"I called her my soulmate."
She's quiet for a long time, "there is milk in the freezer and the bottles have been sterilised this morning so there ready to use. Let me go in a give him a kiss and then you are okay from there right, to do his dream feed and morning bottle?" I am so confused I nod trying to make sense of her response. "Okay let me give him a kiss and I will leave you to it, I'll move my clothes out of there tomorrow."
"What? What are you talking about?"
"Oh sorry, I'll be sleeping in Erica's room from now on. I have no plans to ever share a bed with you again, I wouldn't want to upset your soulmate any further. I'd ask if you can understand why but you couldn't because we clearly don't understand each other. Oh no that's wrong you want forever with me now, I guess I wasn't messed up enough for you back then but now you have had a good chance to really fuck me up- I'm worthy now right? Actually, I don't give a fuck, you aren't worthy of me."