Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twenty: Moving
"Please wait. Before you leave is there anything you want me to know? I said this was going to be horrible and hurt, that it would be bad, but it's necessary. It's necessary for our family, for us, for me and for you. I want the new home to be a place of absolute honesty, so if you are able is there anything you want me to know?" She looks at me like I'm crazy to want more of this, for her to experience more pain, to make her give voice to what she is feeling. "If you can't tonight then tomorrow at dinner."
"Dylan I'm not sure what you think your entitled to here, I'm not sure where you get off asking anything from me. If you expect me to now tell you how I felt, what the past eighteen months has taken from me, how it's damaged me, well I'm not. I haven't had the luxury like you to be obsessed with my hurt, my scars, my torment; no instead I've just been focused on keeping my son and myself alive. You say you don't like how I now compartmentalise, well that was all that was on offer to me. I didn't get to run off to Europe with my new girlfriend and then fuck around with a French girl when I didn't get in to Berkeley. I didn't get to call up my ex begging for forgiveness, after coming home from a frat party where my girlfriend was flirting with another guy. The moment I found out about Art was the moment my pain, my feelings, took a back seat to him." She moves her hands between us, pointing at each of us, "this here, us, it's an indulgence I haven't had the space, time or energy to focus on, and I hate that since arriving back to LA it's been pushed on me, that everyone can't let us go, wants to drag me back to that time."
"I put us away along time ago. There's a box I keep of you, our time, our… let's call it love, though I'm honestly not sure after everything I now know that I believe you even understand the word; but I made that box because that's what we are now, a memory. Those phone calls for me were me checking that you were ready, able to be a father to our son, to make sure we could co-parent together. These last few weeks have shown me we can, but I'm also starting to see my father was right we will end up back in that messed up relationship if I don't put parameters in place around us. How that looks I need to figure out. If you were hoping to dive in to those memories and talk about how little I believe in them now, how little I think of my own judgment, what this means for me, then you're going to be disappointed. I'm still not in a position where I have that luxury. My son, my health and setting up a stable life for him is where I am focused. That box can be thrown away for all I care, it's irrelevant to me."
She begins to walk away but turns around, "take Iris to dinner tomorrow night, I think it's time Art and I go see his grandparents." Fuck!
Throughout the night I have to keep reminding myself that it's necessary, that this needed to happen. She knows everything now, there is nothing left hidden between us. I now have to watch and see how far she runs, see how long she runs for. I have to trust that once all the pain clears that she'll come back, that our love will bring her back.
The next day gives me an indication of what this is going to look like, I'm best friends now to a silent fortress. I speak, I assume she listens but she doesn't say a word unless it's about our son. We go about our Thursday routine, it's our second full day on campus this week. We meet when needed for Art, we have our second poetry lecture of the week, we sit reading together throughout lunch, and we meet at the daycare to collect our son. It's all done with her engaging very little with me.
Art is once again clingy, the daycare commented that he was a little out of sorts today. Bren has dropped off nursing for only two feeds and he is still getting expressed milk for those ones. It could be that adjustment or that he is approaching four months, another developmental stage according to Bren and the library books I've started reading. Either way I know she doesn't like seeing him like this, her concern is written all over her face. "Tomorrow he will have one of us with him all day, and Saturday, Sunday and Monday both of us. Bren, he will be fine once he gets used to his new routine."
"And on Saturday he has to get used to his third house since moving to LA, it's a lot of change on a baby. He doesn't understand where all the Minnesota people have gone and now he has all these new LA people. My Mum is right he needs consistency."
I squeeze the wheel tighter and look at her in the rear vision mirror, she wanted to sit with Art so he could hold her finger. I brace myself and ask what I fear, "what do you feel will give him the most consistency?"
"One home." I breathe deep.
"Okay, as his parents we have a decision to make then. Full time at the Bird's street house, full time at your parents or full time in your own place- what are you thinking?"
"No to my own place. With me not well and on medication, and then gradually being taken off it, it's impractical for the next few months." Thank god.
"We can do positives and negative's of both houses if you like, or have you already got a house you are more in favour of?"
She is quiet, looking at our son running her fingers in his hair. "I'll tell my parents tonight that Art and I will be moving in full time at the Bird street house." I focus on looking ahead but the smile on my face is painful it is so big. "Art's room is next to the Master bedroom, so I'll take the one across from his. It will give us both access to him in the middle of the night if he needs us."
I know she won't take the Master if I offer it, and in all honesty I don't want her to have it, I don't want either of us having that room without the other. "I'll take the room across from Art's, you take the forth bedroom next to his, it has an ensuite and the larger closet. Erica's room can then be the last bedroom across from you, she'll be close to both of us with just the family bathroom between her and the room I'll be sleeping in. It also means Art is between us, we are both only a few feet away from him. I'll share the family bathroom with the kids, leaving the last bathroom near the laundry room as the guest one."
"You aren't taking the Master?" From her tone she's confused.
"That room is ours, when we are an us again we can move in there together."
Her tone changes and the bitterness comes through. "So we are planning for that room to never be used, well except for guests."
Hell no. "It won't be for guests, they can have the den when it's set up or we can put a sofa bed in the library. That room is ours and will only be for us."
She responds in a voice laced with sarcasm. "Okay, that won't be weird to anyone having the master suite never used."
"I don't care what anyone thinks about it."
She shakes her head, and changes the conversation not wanting to discuss our future bedroom further. "We will need furniture then for the other rooms, I can sleep in Erica's bed and the removalists can take your current bed for your room, that will work until we can buy some new furniture."
My response is immediate and firm. "No." I can feel her eyes staring at me, I look in the rear view and clarify why it's a non-negotiable. "Nothing she touched is entering our home. I'll go to the furniture store while you are at your parents this afternoon. I'll get the smaller versions of the master bedroom beds and the smaller bedside tables you liked, that will be fine for those spare rooms we will be using for the time being. Hopefully they will be in stock at the warehouse so they can arrive on Saturday."
"That's what all this shopping has been about, you think that that if you remove the evidence then the sin is gone? That if you throw money at it you can forget your part in it? How did that work out with the earring Dylan? How did that work out for Jack?" I knew she'd be angry, I told her as much on the campus on Tuesday. Choosing to not take on her remarks, I just have to let her go through it till it burns out of her. "Actually, don't answer. I don't care."
When we get home she decides to head straight for her parents house. I kiss my son's head as she moves into the drivers seat. As I make my way into the house I focus on the big win of the day, my girl and son will be living with me permanently. We may be just roommates but it's a start.
Iris and I go shopping at the furniture store and I manage to get the necessary items for the spare bedrooms, and the new stuff I promised Steve for the current house. My mother then drags me to get bed stuff for the spare rooms, and once she has purchased linen sheets, doonas and quilts, she drags me to dinner, where she precedes to somehow get me to explain last night and today. She doesn't make a comment but does reach over and rest her hand on mine. "Are you up for this darling? She rightfully has a lot to work through and I can't imagine she is going to make your life easy, though it's Brenda so she'll probably lose the anger soon and just keep the indifference."
"Yeah there isn't an alternative, I just have to let her wear herself out. Once she gets through those emotions she'll hopefully be ready to build us back up again, maybe unknowingly at first. It will be horrible to be without her, but those months of indecision and then watching me with Kelly… if it had been reversed and I had to see her like that I would have probably fallen off the wagon. Thank god my best friend is her brother, I don't know how I'd have handled that additional betrayal, I could barely keep my head when Steve and her got closer."
We go through the plan for tomorrow, Brenda and I exchange on the house first thing in the morning. We have a cleaning crew coming to clean every inch of the property so it's ready for Saturday, but hopefully once she is finished her last lecture for the week we can stop by the house. I know she isn't in the headspace, but I want her to be excited for our first home. I want this to be a happy time.
When I pull up to my parents dread fills me. Dylan had offered to come but this needed to be handled by me, and with how I feel about him right now I'd almost throw him to my Dad. Like giving a vulture a piece of meat, my Dad could rip him apart for all I care. As I pick up little mini Dylan from the car seat I know it's not true, I can't stand him around me but he is amazing with Art. Him not coming here means I'll not do something stupid like show my parents how right they were about him, for Art's sake Dylan and I will always keep our business quiet. No one needed to know the in's and outs of our history, and it was that, we are officially history. Art will grow up seeing us as his parents whose focus is him, he won't know that if it wasn't for him Dylan would be a footnote in my life; I'd leave him and his soulmate be.
No one is home when I come in, it gives me time to pack a little as Art lay's on my bed doing tummy time. Moving in full time with Dylan wasn't the plan, but he is not rolling with the changes which is understandable. I've been with him constantly since his birth, me going back to College, changing his nursing routine, and having all these new people has made him nervous; I can't on top of that take Dylan away from him even just for a few nights a week. He knew instantly that Dylan was someone he could trust completely or instinctively knew he was his father, the other changes I couldn't control but this I could give my son, and as I said last night to Dylan, he comes first even before my needs.
By the time I hear my Mum's car pull up I have already packed two more bags and placed them in the Jeep. There is still items to go but I'll leave them for my brother to bring down as they are too heavy for me. The room is looking a little more bare, if they walk in they'll see the change, best to be honest first before they figure it out themselves.
An hour later Art's down for his catnap and I'm onto my third lecture of how he is ruining my life, how this is exactly what he wants. I admit to both of them it is, he wants to be a full time parent which is a good thing. They don't see it that way and keep emphasising it's for now it will change once Baja calls, the bottle or another blonde. My Mother wants Dylan to be involved but she feels that his history should indicate to me that Art's home life should be kept a little distant to Dylan; when he goes off again then the blow out won't be so obvious to Art. She keeps emphasising protecting my son should be my priority- it's funny that's what I had spent the last ten months doing. It's obvious like me my parents have lost faith in Dylan, well Mum has lost faith Dad never had much to begin with, my faith though relates to me alone Dylan is and will always be an fantastic father.
The Dylan before Baja would never have met my mothers description, he had problems but he wouldn't let them interfere with us- it had once been a choice, me or the bottle, he never touched a drink after that. I choose to picture that Dylan as I counter my parents concerns. I need to make my argument convincing, and picturing Kelly's swim buddy and soulmate just won't hold up under their scrutiny. My inner actress is delivering a performance of a lifetime. When we finally get down to the nuts and bolts of their issues it's the sleeping arrangements and access that bothers them the most. The former is pacified with us now moving in to separate rooms, I advise them that me not nursing in the night and now on medication removes the need for Dylan's appreciated but now unnecessary support; I don't discuss my skin crawling at the thought of sharing a bed with Kelly's guy, sharing is not my thing I'll leave that to the blonde. The latter concern is not about his access to me but rather my parents access to Art and I.
I promise Sunday dinners at Casa Walsh, an open door well open gate policy at Art McKay's home, and agree to coffee with my Dad on Friday's at his office; my Doctor's is only two blocks away. Mum and I will also now meet on campus for lunch on Tuesday's, the older McKay is subtly excluded by the reference of a girls only lunch; again I don't mention that it's fine by me, maybe he can use that time to reminisce with Kelly on their childhood or their charming summer romance. When Dad references that his deal with Dylan was taken out of context, I want to kill Arthur's Dad again- I love being blindsided.
As I wasn't prepared for this I stumble a little at first but eventually I'm calling bullshit on my Dad's "out of context" rubbish. Mum tries to explain what Dad meant, that there is a moral clause that ensures Trust asset's aren't used as fronts for illegal operations in an attempt to protect criminals from litigation. Yeah I think the clause designed to stop mafia organisations doesn't really apply to a seventeen year old and his seventeen year old girlfriend. Mum might see Dad acting to the letter of the law, I see it as simply him exerting his control over a teenager he was asked to look out for. It was the only time I didn't have to act the whole evening and I was dead serious in my promise; if that type of behaviour happens again Dylan is the choice as he is Arthur's choice. They'll be out of my family, I won't expose my son to that level of manipulation.
By the time I arrive back to Dylan's I'm exhausted. Art is quickly bathed and then I nurse him, once he is down I then pack up my items in Dylan's bedroom. It needed to be done anyway but I can't say that it isn't nice to cut one more tie from him. The disclosure last night has definitely made me see that we are Art's parents only, whether I will allow a friendship between us it is too soon to tell. I check on Art one more time and take the baby monitor into my room, it's the first time we have had cause to use it. I'm dozing when Dylan comes home but I can tell after checking on our son he comes to my closed door and hover's. He eventually realises that him checking in on me would be unwanted and moves to his nightly shower.
I'm awoken from my almost sleep when I hear Dylan wheeling the crib closer to what I assume is the bed. He then begins quietly whispering to our son, obviously not aware that the monitor is on. "Hey buddy I hope you don't mind but I thought you could sleep closer to Daddy tonight, it's lonely without Mummy in here with me. I'd say we could co-sleep but you look pretty peaceful in your crib, so you stay in there and I'll just chat to you through the railing. Grandma Iris sends her love, she was very sorry she missed out on babysitting you tonight but say's hopefully soon. I'm not sure about that time frame, you see Daddy stuffed up and Mummy's mad so I can't see her wanting a date with me anytime in the near future. Well your Mum wouldn't say it was a date and I guess neither would I, but it was going to be the closest I've been on one with her in over a year."
I'm annoyed that I'm wide awake now and can't bring myself to switching off the monitor. "Do you know I use to take your Mum on dates all the time. She was the only person I ever did that with, put energy into thinking and planning where I could take her. I remember I use to get nervous when we first started dating, scared to say the wrong thing, come on too strong. You see from the moment I saw your Mummy's eyes I knew she was the one for me, we looked at each other next to my locker and I was convinced that I'd be okay, for the first time I knew I'd be okay. I wouldn't be alone anymore. Though I was too scared to make a move, your Uncle Brandon would have killed me as I had a pretty bad reputation then. I wanted to put distance between that reputation and your Mum. It would be a few weeks before I'd finally get to kiss her, but from that moment at that locker I never kissed or dated another girl, I just wanted your Mummy." It didn't stop him flirting with the blonde he always wanted though.
"I did get to spend some time with her though before then, she decided to dye her hair and let's just say your Mum is a natural beauty she doesn't need the latest clothes, makeup or jewellery to look sexy as hell. She looks amazing just in a t-shirt and jeans, though she also looks amazing in a bikini or in a jumper. She looks exquisite when she has nothing… that's maybe a conversation when you are older when I can embarrass you and your future brothers and sisters with how smitten I still am with your mother. You should prepare yourself now buddy, your parents are going to be the kissing parents, we will embarrass you nonstop. It's not like we'll mean to embarrass you and your siblings, but it's just that when Mummy remembers she loves Daddy and learns to trust him again I imagine we will be worse than before. It feels natural for Daddy to touch Mummy, it's like I'm missing something if my hands aren't on her, I hate not touching her, like I hate her not laying next to me. I deserve to sleep alone but I miss her. You're good company though, well you aren't saying much but you've got good listening skills. I should let you sleep. You think Mummy will mind if I steal her pillow tonight? It smells like her hair- coconut. From your silence I'm taking that as no she'll be fine with it."
He is quiet from then on.