Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Dinner's
The house is stunning and waking up in it is like a dream, to think we live here now. Throughout the night Dylan took the monitor for Art's feeds, he is insisting until my liver and lungs heal that I need a full nights sleep. When I have tried to argue he resolute that it's his turn, I had three months of it by myself he now believes it's his turn to learn the joys of broken sleep. It's an argument I've given up on, there is already too many arguments between us. I know it's pouring out of me at this stage, Brandon would say it's my dramatic tendencies causing it but in reality it's not that, it's me processing this new reality. I told Brandon after the park sitting in my room listening to REM on repeat that I never thought it was a competition, I never thought I could lose, back then I had never felt so low. Dylan's new information is rivalling that, I never thought she'd mean so much to him, I never thought she mean more. My anger though needs a better outlet I can't keep letting it hit him like this, even when I'm hiding it from the others I'm not from Art, I don't want my son around that negativity.
Once I've got up, expressed and dressed, I go to collect Art only to find his room empty, it's early still but he should be rising soon. I move to Dylan's room to find Art laying across his father's bare chest gently being held in his Dad's arms both are sleeping with their mouths open and wearing the same expression. I move back to Art's room and grab the disposable camera, the good camera is too faraway in the study. I go and take a few pictures of them in that position, it will be a good addition to Erica and my secret project. The book we are making to capture Dylan's first month with Art and some collages of Art's first few months and some of my pregnancy. Erica has been helping with layout and has been drawing around the white pages making the book a celebration of her arrival in Dylan's life as well. It will be given to Dylan on the 31st technically one month since meeting his son and the day after our night together the night Art was conceived. Even in my anger I won't take Dylan's milestones away from him, he is a wonderful father and I want him to know I realise and respect that.
Leaving the McKay men for a moment I go and turn on the coffee machine and pull back the curtains of the main room. The view is incredible, it's a smogless day so you can see across the city to the blue ocean. The flat grass and blue of the pool guiding your eyes out to that view. This home is incredible. We haven't bought outdoor furniture yet so I can't take my coffee outside, instead I move to the kitchen island and just look out on the view. Once the coffee is finished I make up the batter for pancakes and a plater of fruit and then return to see if my son is awake, he is and is currently gurgling away on his dozing Dad. I pick him up which stirs Dylan, "relax I've got him. You have a lie in maybe go back to sleep." He gives me a smile and doesn't argue meaning he is tired.
By the time he rises Erica is awake, sitting at the kitchen island eating fruit while I cook the pancakes, Art is in his bouncer holding his soft rattle still making his baby gibberish sounds. As he moves to the coffee machine I note the giant smile on his face, I give him one in return. In this moment we are co-parents completely on the same page, our family home is like a dream in looks but more importantly because of the people in it. As he moves to sit down in front of one of the places I've set out on the giant island there is a knock on the door, as the intercom for the gate hasn't buzzed it can only be Iris. As she moves into the room she kisses both her grandson and her… well she is a little stumped too with Erica she is Dylan's sister but she has only ever seen us care for her as pseudoparents, making her connection to her a little more like a grandparent. Either way like Dylan and I it's clear she loves the little girl and sees her as our family.
"Iris can I get you a coffee or tea?"
"A coffee sweetheart would be great, I'm a little sluggish this morning after yesterday. How are you? Shouldn't you be taking it easy?"
"I'm fine, I went to bed not long after Erica and since Dylan is adamant about doing the night feeds I slept the whole night through. Your son though looks like he needs to take it easier than me, you okay?" My eyes have landed on Dylan who is now sitting down but looking a little uncomfortable.
"Yeah I'm okay, my back is a little sore from the moving I must have a knot in it." He is still smiling about the awesomeness of our home, but his eyes are showing some pain. After putting out the plate of pancakes, I move closer to him to make sure he hasn't done any serious damage. When I touch his back I ask where it hurts and he indicates his lower back on the left side. I raise his shirt and see no bruise so I move my hands across his back and know when I reach the knot as he tenses. I gently massage the spot trying to loosen the tight muscles. After a few minutes I feel him relax and know that I am being successful in getting rid of the pain. When his hand eventually finds my free one and squeezes it's my turn to tense. His knot is nearly all out and a warm shower will loosen the rest of the muscles, I quickly move away and return to the other side of the island. He flashes hurt and then understanding, getting used to my parameters. We will be fine as long as he stays in between the safe zones.
Once Art is down for his nap, Erica and I get ready to go shopping. Iris decides to join us and returns to her guest house to get ready. Dylan has a shower and with Art asleep returns to bed, he's still a little tired and saw. Before I leave I get him a hot water bottle for his back and some aspirin, and let him know we will bring lunch back that just to relax this morning. Dylan has rarely been taken care of in this way, Iris probably did it when he was young, but he doesn't remember and as far as I can determine it wasn't Jack's style. My Mum and me a little looked after him after his surf accident, and then I did when he was sick with his chest infection though by then he was pretty distant in our relationship so it was limited. I can tell he is grateful and a little humbled by the care but the man has been doing it for weeks for me it's the least I can do to return the kindness.
The day ticks on with Erica's and even Arthur's room gaining a little more decoration. Dylan and mine also receive a little sprucing with lamps, decorative pillows, photo frames and a bedspread purchased for each. He is slightly put out by the decorating of these rooms and I suspect it's because he is still living in his fantasy that they are only for a short period of time. It hasn't passed my notice that he made the master up even before his own bedroom. His mood shifts when I give him a flyer showing the outdoor furniture I purchased, the large table and chairs, and the lounges for the other end of the porch area. They'll arrive in the morning before my appointment. He's an outdoor guy so I can see he is thrilled to have a place to read or like me have his morning coffee.
Iris decides to join me for dinner at my parents, she is clearly concerned after last week. When it's time to leave I wish Dylan luck with David, hoping he is open to the help or at the least appreciates the concern.
My parents with Erica there are on their best behaviour but my Dad does make comment whilst I am doing the dishes with him the Dylan is trying to steal all of his children away from them. My reasoning that it was Steve who asked Brandon to move in and Dylan had no say in the matter as he had already agreed to rent the house to Steve falls on deaf years. His grumble of why isn't he selling the property and investing the money more lucratively is his next gripe. I point out that property is constantly going up in Beverly Hills so I think Dylan is seeing this as a long term investment giving him another source of income to access.
When he keeps going I decide to call it a night declaring after a busy weekend I want Erica and Art to be in bed on time. Iris who had been spending time with my Mum in the lounge room notes my annoyance when I walk in and quickly helps to pack up the kids. It's not until we are in the car does she make a comment. "Your father find fault in you or my son?"
"The latter, he blames him for Brandon's moving out. I explained it was Steve but he has his now permanent blocks up- everything is his fault. So much of what has happened, me being sick, moving out, and Dylan being Arthur's father, he can't control any of it, it seems Dylan is now the target of that frustration."
"Dylan has broad shoulders so you don't take this on, he can handle Jim. He worries about the impact of this on you and would prefer you to be kept out of it."
"That seems unlikely. I think my Dad's strategy is to constantly remind me of what he sees as Dylan's shortcomings. Him and Kelly should join forces between them I could get a daily reminder."
"Do you need or want one?"
"No I am reminded every time I go to do something that seems natural like confide or move closer to him, my mind calls out his words to her. Then the anger flares."
"Trust me I lived in anger a long time with Jack, it isn't good. It won't be healthy for you, the kids or him."
"I know I was having the same thoughts this morning, I'm hoping it's me just processing the new information."
"Well darling if you think it's going beyond that or if you want some help letting it go, I'm happy to meditate with you everyday. It's a great way to process and allows you to center yourself so you can live in the moment."
"I don't know."
"Come on give it a try what's the worse that can happen, you fall asleep?" Or her son teases me mercilessly.
By the time we get home I have agreed to at least two sessions this week. Iris offers to stay and help with the kids but I send her down to her house, she looks exhausted from a full day with the kids. Once the kids are bathed and in bed, I'm sitting reading on the couch in my pyjamas waiting for Dylan to come home.
She massaged me. She was in my personal space again, willingly touching me, taking care of me. I simply closed my eyes and even through the pain of her working out the knot I was in heaven. My mother made no comment but her smirk and sparkling pleased eyes when Bren had finally moved back into the kitchen said everything. She like me wants us together, she wants Brenda to be officially a McKay, she wants to be able to legally declare her a daughter. My mother and I are in complete agreement on this and she is committed to helping me make this dream possible.
Brenda's caring continued on after my shower and it was a comfort I hadn't ever really felt, having someone in your home take care of you without being asked. My mother probably did it when I was a child but I have no memory of it and Jack's girlfriends weren't the motherly types. It added another level to waking up in our first official home as a family, this house was officially magical.
I contacted David and invited him out that night, we'd go to The Pit and then head to the meeting though I didn't inform him of the second stop yet. I didn't want him driving in case he was on something so I offered to pick up claiming the Porsche needed a little bit of a spin after not being used a lot over the last few weeks. When I arrived at the beach house I was met by Kelly who answered the door.
"Dylan, hi this is a surprise come on in." As I move in I look around for David. "What are you doing here? The new house getting a little to domestic for you?" Her flirty voice has me instantly looking at her.
"Are you serious right now?" I shake my head. "Kelly save your energy I have and will never have any interest in whatever you are trying for. I'm here to pick up David."
"I was just saying hello and being nice, excuse me I won't do that again." Her voice was laced with mock offence, how I ever saw any of her act as genuine I'll never know. "I can see your back being your moody self now that Brenda's back, your fun side really does vanish around-"
"Be careful your jealously is making you look pathetic. The fact that you need to try and put her down, try and make her uncomfortable with our irrelevant history, that you need to stake a claim that doesn't exist, all of it is very sad." I decide to embellish the truth, to try and get her to back the hell off. "She and I see through it." She holds her head up high but I see in her eyes she is effected by what I'm saying.
"Brenda and I aren't in high school anymore, we aren't restrained and frustrated by curfews and parental disapproval. We are finally getting to have the life we've wanted since the moment our eyes met at that locker. You remember that right, I've always wondered was it obvious to an outsider that I had just found the one, the love of my life?" She says nothing but the anger is rolling off her. "Anyway Bren and I have put that messed up triangle behind us. She knows everything and understands that I was being an idiot, I was running away, that I was angry at a lot of different things and that it made me blow up my life, say and do things I didn't mean. That Jim's interference that night, not letting her come to my Dad's party was the last straw that it made me lose my head and lash out."
She has spent months and months hurting Brenda but I know Bren wouldn't want me being malicious, that payback isn't her thing, and I do feel some guilt to her as well. "I do have to apologise to you though, I shouldn't have dragged you into my escapism especially when I didn't see us as anything serious and when I knew I could never love you. I didn't mean to be cruel and I guess now when I look back over the last eighteen months I was. We were friends before hand, not good ones but we were friends and I shouldn't have treated a friend that way. I am sorry and I'm really sorry that I helped destroy your real friendship with Brenda, I know she was a great friend to you and our actions took that away from you. I don't know if you guy's can ever get it back but I do know that as long as you see her as competition you won't stand a chance. If it's about me or just your need to beat her, I want it to be clear she has won. She won from the moment our eyes met at that locker."
"Do you know my Mum went to visit her after our disgustingly inappropriate park reveal- what were we thinking, my inner Jack was on full destruction mode that day. Anyway she told Bren that our separation was merely a moment in our very long life together. My mother was right, and I think you knew it as well- that I was never yours. I think that's why you were always so angry when we were together and with me being angry at myself for ruining my life, well it's no wonder we were miserable together. Misery does love company so I guess we got stuck in that loop made the whole thing worse." She is quiet but I know she is hearing me, getting what I'm saying.
"Bren and I have moved on, we are building the foundations of our life together making a home together, figuring out how big our family will grow, trying to prepare for our careers, whilst raising our son and helping with Erica. We aren't still stuck in that Bermuda triangle, we hope you can find your way out of it to, move past juvenile mistakes." Finally I hear a door open.
"Kel is Dylan here yet? Oh hey man sorry to keep you waiting, Kel was supposed to let me know when you arrived. I was just trying to get through some readings." I raise an eyebrow, I thought she didn't know I was coming. Shaking my head at her, I move to look at David and we do our guy's signature handshake click.
"All good. Kelly and I were just discussing how nice it is to grow up, to leave childish mistakes in the past."
"You feeling old man? Kid, house, and a live in partner or is it a different name now, have you asked her yet?"
I chuckle, "Silver believe me when I ask Bren that, I won't be going to dinner with you anytime soon. That will be a month if not longer of celebration behind our locked gates."
"Understandably. Is it just me or does it hardly look like Bren had a baby? I mean apart from her larger che-"
"Silver you better not be looking at my girl." The sternness in my voice has him taking on a look of fear, I shake my head. "Relax, Bren wouldn't let me hurt Art's Uncle David even if I have an irrational need to poke your eyes out. You ready? I'm starving." He nods as I move to the door I throw over my shoulder, "night Kelly."
David and I have dinner and during it he opens up a little about the pressure he feels. It's my in and I take it, I let him know that I know about the drugs. After an attempt at denial he finally caves, though he swears they aren't a problem. I open up a little about my past and the day's before Brenda and Brandon moved here. How it started as fun, and soon I was going out of my way to score. That that need that drive to get stuff was the addiction. I ask if he lets it find him or does he look for it ask around for it, if it's the latter then that's the addiction pull. His silence tells me everything. I pay the bill and take him to the meeting.
He's quiet as we leave, but I know it was full on. The meeting and then Ben seeing me at a meeting for the first time since Brenda and I broke up. He wanted to catch up and since there's no secrets in a meeting I tell him everything, the abridged version but everything. David is surprised when I highlight his role in keeping me sober after my Dad. He is even more surprised when he finally sees the full picture of what happened with Bren and I, how it's cost me experiencing her pregnancy, how it increased her stress making her condition worse, how I may never fully be forgiven, how we still aren't an us.
When we are back in the car he finally breaks his silence. "The way you talk it sounds like you are together that it's set in stone."
"It is set in stone, she is it for me. She is who I want my life with, she'll be the mother of all my kids, I'll grow old with her, but I may only ever be her best friend."
"You okay with that?" I take my eyes off the road and give him a look. "Stupid question."
"I'm not okay with it but the moment I give up hope, surrender and accept that we won't be anything more is the moment I confirm her suspicions that I'm not genuine. I'm not willing to risk my family just because it's hard. Her life for eighteen months has been hell, I have destroyed so many of her relationships, her securities. If I have to spend years living a life with her in our home raising our kid together, taking care of each other and being there for each other, even if I'm denied everything else then I think I've gotten off lightly in comparison."
As I pull up to a light I look at him again. "You get that right, you get getting the girl but maybe not everything. You understand that you together is more important than what's missing, that time will give you everything as long as you're patient that the only hindrance to that is our own selfish need." He nods I thought he'd understand him and Donna have clear limits between them, I look back moving when the light turns. "I wish someone would had told me that in junior year, I wouldn't have pushed her to stay over, to go to Baja I would have waited till our birthdays or graduation. I wouldn't have risked it all just to appease my selfish need to have more of her."
"I'm risking Donna with this, aren't I?"
"If you keep using, then yes. Is it worth that?"
"No but I just don't know how to make this all work without it. How can I manage college, the radio show and sleep without the help it offers?"
"David the crashes make you sleep longer, the stuff clouds your brain so you aren't learning or making good decisions, it's not helping you. Is the radio station worth it, will it help your career?"
He nods, "and you can't prerecord it?"
"No the station manager says no."
"What about half of it, can you do the first part live when everyone is up and getting back from campus parties and then the second part where most people are sleeping can that be prerecorded? It's not ideal but it still means that you can get five hours before being on campus for any early morning classes."
"That could work, I can ask especially as the numbers at that hour are the lowest. I could prerecord the second part as I do the first." We pull up to his apartment. "Hey thank you for tonight."
"Don't thank me, it was Bren she spotted you weren't okay and well it helped me spot what the problem is. I'm sorry though, you worked hard to get to go to college with us and last semester even when I was at the beach apartment more I didn't reach out. We've all been so fucking disjointed, when did that happen?" David gives me a look. "Yeah let's add it to the list of things I wrecked."
"It's not your fault, how were you to know that Brenda and you, and you and Brandon the three of you together pulled our group together."
"Well Bren's back and she bought a massive dining table for our place so let's work on pulling this thing back together. The secrets are all out now so we can start building back this group."
"Not all the secrets."
I give him a sympathetic look, admitting a problem is the hardest thing to do. My current life is a clear indication of that. "Need me to be there when you tell them?"
"No I'll start with Donna and then hope she can support me in telling Kelly and my Dad and Jackie."
"If Donna needs support, Bren has been doing this for years with me she'd be happy to be an ear to listen to." I know Bren even in her more reserved relationships with the girls she would want to help.
"Thanks I'm sure Donna would like that."
"Well then tell her and you guy's can come to dinner this week, just the four of us give the girls time to talk and you and me time to catch up."
He gives me a surprised look, "we get to see the house?"
I smile, "you get to be our very first dinner guests and maybe our first guests."
"Thanks man, I better get in there and let you get home to Brenda and the kids." As he gets out and shuts the door he turns back, "hey everything is anonymous, everything you told me won't be repeated. Brenda has been through enough and well I love my sister but I even know she is weirdly competitive with her. She acts more… her worse traits are heightened in her company and actually in yours."
"Yeah they are. I tried to get her to see the truth, to stop her but if that doesn't work then I'm not above publicly calling her out for it. My girl doesn't need to come home to Beverly Hills and have to be exposed to such childish behaviour, she needs to focus on her health, our son and herself."
"Not you?"
"No Bren needs to heal first when that is done she can then take the time and space needed to focus on us. Night."