Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Thirty-One: Grilling
"What? What are you talking about?" I could tell from her quiet tone she was shocked probably from hearing my voice and Stuart's title.
"Drug dealer." I look down and see Stuart's hand covering her's, "I suggest you remove your hand from her's or we will have big problems."
"Dylan your Brenda's ex-"
Seriously he thinks those two letters matter to us, even before I knew about Art before she knew about Art those two letters were immaterial. "I'm the father of her child, I'm her family, I'm her best friend and the man she will grow old with; if you think the ex is relevant you are underestimating us." He still hasn't removed his hand and my girl still hasn't spoken. "Baby?"
His eyes narrow at the title- I don't give a fuck. She quickly slides her hand out from under his as if she just caught on it was still there, without facing me she speaks. "Dylan what are you doing here?"
"The farmers wanted pie and I needed air." I didn't add that I needed air after our fight, there was no way this creep was knowing any more of our personal business. "You said you were going for cake, as the Pit doesn't have a cake I didn't expect you to be here but thank god you are. Baby he is not a good guy-"
"Dylan that was a long time ago, I was a kid trying to get out from my Father's control. I made mistakes but I'm no longer that guy."
"I don't care about what type of guy you think you are now this is over." I motion between the two of them.
Brenda instantly turns to glare at me, this is not the time for her stubbornness to kick in. "Dylan!"
"Five years ago, five, he was twenty. Older than we are now and he was selling me drugs out of the club he used to manage. He knew my age and you know what I was on back then."
She stares at me, "Dylan please grab the pie and leave."
What the hell?! "Bren-"
"Dylan I'll see you at home." Fuck I knew that voice it was the one she used to kick me out of her room earlier. This situation was different now there is no way she could continue to see him, was there? Her eyes were holding mine, she was adamant I leave. Why was she angry at me, this trumps our words this afternoon. I think back over what I've said since I arrived. Shit, I gave orders, I told her what to do- we never speak that way to each other, I never speak that way to her.
Bren wasn't calling me out verbally, she wouldn't she wouldn't cause a scene with me it wasn't our way; well except I just did it. Scene's were part of my messed up relationship with the blonde, Bren and I weren't about that. I had come in here and reverted to that crap behaviour, the one that had been the cornerstone of my messed up nine months with her. Bren had every right to call me on it like she was silently doing, I wasn't being her Dylan. I didn't want her anywhere near Stuart but demanding and dictating wasn't the way, it wasn't our way. I was completely stuffing up today and I honestly didn't know how to stop it. The significance of this day, what it meant to us was obviously getting to me. If I stay I could make this worse.
At one point we had trusted each other to do right by the other. I'd give her the respect and trust that she would continue doing that now. I lean down and kiss her forehead and lean back to look at her, her eyes have softened. "Okay, I'll see you at home."
I had done exactly what Iris said, called him on shitty behaviour. Called him out in our own way. He had taken a few seconds to realise why I wasn't just following his demand, I guess like me he wasn't used to it. When had I surrendered all my power to him? When had I stopped being a romantic equal? They were questions to analyse for another time. Once he had left I turned to my date.
"I don't need to ask if you did this, if Dylan said you did then you did. You knew he was at most fifteen, you let him into a club at that age. You sold him drinks and drugs. From what you said to Dylan, you are justifying your reasoning for those acts as a rebellion against your father. I'm assuming you were after financial independence, is that right?"
"Yes but I was younger, made stupid-"
I cut him off, yeah I wasn't about to listen to rubbish. "You earned a salary as a manager, right?"
"Yeah but-"
"But it wasn't the money you were used to." I push the box closer to him, the bracelet a clear example of the life of luxury that he likes. "You wanted more and you didn't think of who you were hurting to get there."
"Brenda I was young-"
"You were older than I am now, and regardless of age he was a kid a teenager, you should have known better your morals should have kicked in." He just saw Dylan's money not the juvenile behind it, seriously that's a twisted level of greed.
"I don't think you understand the kind of world we grew up in, what we were exposed to-"
"Are you seriously trying to normalise your behaviour? Justify it? I guess you haven't changed as much as you think you have. The only correct answer is that you were wrong and selfish, the only response is for you to own it."
"I do own it, I'm just trying to explain how I was thinking at the time."
"That doesn't matter, none of this matters. I have kids, there is no way I can have you anywhere near them. I have no idea of your morals."
"So Dylan the addict and sleaze can have a past just not me? You can raise kid's with him and date him for year's, the guy who would get high or drunk and then go home with a different girl each night. He you can have the fairytale life with, but me I can't have any mistakes on my record I have to be perfect. You are judging me on a man I was five years ago, how is that fair?"
"This has nothing to do with Dylan-"
"Really, because we were fine before he walked in."
"Whether I found out now or after four more dates my response would still be the same. You sold drugs to a minor, as an adult you did that. You were not caring whose life you were risking you just saw the money. When I said I needed to be considerate of who I bought into Dylan and my family I was deadly serious. There is no way that you could meet that bar with me knowing this." I stand and stop the waitress as she passes, reaching into my bag I pull out cash.
"No need, Mr McKay took care of it." Of course he did. I smile at the waitress and then turn back to Stuart.
"Happy Birthday. I hope all the rest are good one's- goodbye."
As I walk away he calls out, "you are that hung up on him you're giving up what we have? What we could have, seriously?"
I don't respond and keep walking, there is no point arguing with someone who can't hear it.
When I make it to the carpark I see the Jeep by the back door, he is leaning against the car waiting for me. I give him a questioning look.
"I didn't like leaving you with him." I nod. "I'm sorry for making it sound like I was telling you what to do. I developed some bad behaviours since that summer and well I guess when angry, scared, everything I'm feeling now I defaulted to that." I move closer and lean next to him on the car. "I don't need to ask what happened you will always do right by our family- your judgment is infallible."
"Don't do that. I'm not perfect I makes mistakes all the time. I made plenty with us after that summer as well, even before I broke up with you. You made massive ones but I let them put distance between us, I gave my best friend at the time too much space between us- I had never done that before. I left when it got too hard, I ran to the idea of someone else."
"You make the right decisions when it counts, and you own and apologise for the ones you get wrong immediately. I need to get better at that."
"You did pretty good in there."
"Yeah but not at the house earlier. Sorry for pushing you for answers, you are right I'm asking you to give me a different level of honesty than I gave you."
"Our life is different from twelve months ago, there is an honesty that is required of us now to make this family work. Though if I say I don't know, trust that I honestly don't know. I've cut myself off a lot these last twelve months- it was needed at times but I guess even before that I stopped being honest with myself. The girl you met in sophomore year would have never given you a choice. I would have made the choice for you, had more respect for myself. I would have never put myself up as a choice on a menu for a man, even one I loved completely. I should have told you back then that if you needed to think after two years together, after everything we shared, then the decision had already been made. I didn't though, I stopped listening to my own needs, and it's hard trying to tune into that voice again. Hard to understand what I want when I've let that part of me go quiet for so long."
"Did I do that to you?"
"No I did it to myself. That's what I have to own, I put too much of my self-worth into my relationship status, I forgot how to be strong alone. Even now I'm strong for Art, but look at me with my parents, the girls, look at me at school? I used to be the joiner and now I'm the wall flower. I'm the woman that goes home and rants about lectures rather than debating the ideas in the classroom- me the girl who has always stood her ground. Anyway this is my stuff to work through and you have your own stuff to deal with."
"We really have made a mess of this haven't we?" I give him a weak smile and nod. "You okay about him?"
I take a moment to adjust to the subject change. "I honestly didn't know if I would keep seeing him when I walked in, I was prepared to walk away today, I just thought I'd be doing it for different reasons. So yeah I'm okay, it was a little bit more dramatic than I was expecting and that's coming from the Drama Queen herself."
"Thank y-"
"I protected our kids, our family from someone who I wouldn't ever be sure had a good moral compass, that's our job as parents- no thanks is required."
"My moral compass has been off at times."
"Being a crappy cheating and lying boyfriend versus selling drugs to a minor, it's not comparable. Being a kid and being an addict and then seeking help is admirable. You are a flawed man but you aren't flawed in the same way and you are constantly trying to make amends. It's more than he could do." I smile up at him, "unless when I was wishing the ground would open up and swallow me I missed the apology he gave you?"
He laughs, "I'm glad it didn't do that, but no there was no apology made."
"Oh well then I was right not in the same league." I knock his shoulder with mine to let him know I'm joking as I say, "sorry you are a bad ass but not an illegal Stuart Carson level one."
He throws his arm over my shoulder and pulls me closer. "I can live with that."
"So the farmers wanted pie, how messy were they?"
"I literally had to hose them off before they could even come into the house to shower. Nat was going for a lie down when I left, just watching their energy together exhausted him."
"So you are treating them with pie?"
He blushes a little, "we kind of knew I would be the pushover one out of the two of us."
It's my turn to laugh, "yep you will be the big softy and I'll be the sensible one."
"I'll be stronger on some things." I give him a look of scepticism. "Hey dating will be one thing I will be pretty firm on-"
Oh crap, "you are going to be a Jim?"
"Well no, I don't think I will be setting up our daughters to date drug dealers."
I try and suppress the giggle but it makes it's way up anyway. "You want to do the honours of telling him?"
"Has he changed? Stuart that is."
"He seems like he is legitimate now." I give him a teasing look. "Why think I have made the wrong decision?"
"Hell no! But as long as he is no where near you or our family, if he's changed then we should probably let him grow up a bit and keep this between us."
I rest my body more into him, "you are a good man."
"I'm trying to be, you and the kids deserve that." He kisses the top of my head. "Come on, who knows what the other McKay women have done to our son if we leave them alone together too long. I'm sure he will be dressed in some crazy outfit and having a photo shot in it."
"I liked the one they did last time. Art didn't, his face in those picture's say it all, but him surrounded by teddy bear's was cute."
"You shouldn't encourage them, we will be paying our son's therapy bills for years because of those two."
"Yes out of all of us in the McKay family Art's dress up and cute photo shots will be the thing requiring therapy." In less than a second I'm pulled in front oh him with both arms wrapped around me and he is in his favourite place, his face buried in my neck just below my ear.
"You just included yourself in the McKay family." His hands tighten on my hips and he pulls me closer. "This month is shit, it's full of bad memories, we could change that narrative make it special. Go home load the family in the car, get our brother's, we could be in Baja tonight and have a sunrise wedding tomorrow."
"Dylan how much of that suggestion has to do with the fact that in about an hour it would be a year since we were walking in a park? You can't replace the bad stuff with new memories and hope it will magically make the others disappear. Anyway while I might have accepted that I'll be a member of the McKay family for life, I haven't decided in what capacity that looks like, and maybe when I have decided you'll have reconsidered that offer."
"You still think that I could change my mind, it isn't my mind that is doing the talking or asking the questions. You and I have done way too much thinking since that shuttle, we need to go back to what we did at the start, what we should have always done. We just need to feel, go off our feelings. We are always at our best when we do that. So Baja?"
He wasn't on his knee, so I knew he was probably serious about Baja but he knew marriage was not something I'd seriously consider. "I'm feeling no but I am feeling that I'd like to go home and snuggle up with our son and listen to Erica excitedly explain all about how Iris convinced her to get covered in mud."
He lets out a sigh and then mumbles into my neck, "that sounds nice too."
"Come on the pie will spoil if you leave it much longer."
At four o'clock Dylan tightens his hold on me, as our son sleeps in my arms and Erica who had finished her farming story had begun reading a chapter in her book out loud. It was the only reference to that anniversary we made for the rest of the weekend.
A few day's later on the night before the anniversary of Jack's death, I crawled into Dylan's bed and slept beside him. He didn't say a word about it but he clung to me throughout the night. In the morning he was quiet throughout breakfast, Erica was chatting away to Nat, and Iris had decided to come to the main house for breakfast. At the time of the explosion I stopped rinsing dishes for the dishwasher and moved back to the dining table, I wrapped my arms around Dylan's neck from behind and he closed his arms and surrendered to my hold. It's the only way I can describe it when he literally allows me to be his whole strength, his salvation. Nat kept Erica busy with the conversation so she didn't notice but I did catch Iris' watery eye's over Dylan's head. She was staring at us but her hand was in a death grip on a crystal. She didn't love the Jack he was at the end but I know the Jack before the pain, betrayals, and money, the man who she made Dylan with the one she had been sharing stories about with both Erica and Dylan, he she would mourn.
The fact we made it through February with minimal fights, withdrawals and long silences gives me hope that we are working through the pain. Stuart after having his deliveries rejected throughout the week following the Pit finally got the message and stopped sending them, and with Bren not indicating she is keen to date anyone else, it has meant that it's all a little more positive at home- moving in the right direction. She is still not overly affectionate with me, and besides the day's leading up and on Jack's anniversary she doesn't actively enter my personal space but she isn't looking for someone else.
Midterms have made our life a little busier and most of our nights once the kids were asleep were spent in our study either completing school work or organising mortgage papers or agreeing on bathroom and kitchen layouts. By the time midterms are complete we begin getting ready for our planned bbq.
Nat's almost recovered enough to resume well not his old hours but to resume taking on shifts most days. It will mean Suzanne can reduce her morning shifts to only three a week, it will sadly mean Erica won't be with us nearly every day but as Suzanne and Kevin seem to be getting serious and have a big date night every second Saturday it does mean she'll still be with us most weeks part time.
Suzanne and Kevin a few day's after the anniversary of Jack came up to the house for dinner, Mum wanting to not overwhelm them stayed in her place. Bren and I could tell from their looks around the home and their gobsmacked expressions on seeing the view of the LA lights from our house, a view that reminded me of the lockout, that Suzanne and Kevin were a bit taken a back. It wasn't like the house in the Beverly Hills flats that our brother's were living in and well it wasn't a house thrown together with a mix of random styles like the beach house. Bren using her knowledge of me and what she liked created a home that was comfortable but classically stylish.
Suzanne in getting over the shock made some interesting remarks throughout dinner, asking Brenda if she loved to shop, and if the need for a big house with a spectacular view had been her suggestion. Each time I jumped in to clarify, firstly that Bren wasn't much of a shopper unless there was a specific need, though she was a clothes robber and had 'borrowed' clothes from her dad, Brandon and recently me. Trying to lighten the mood I asked was Steve next which had Bren countering that even she couldn't pull off that wardrobe. When it came to the house I admitted it was all me. I wanted a family home that Art could have all his memories in, something I missed out on with Jack's constant moving. Bren was merely the one who stopped me from going too impractical.
If we were hoping for a bit more insight into Suzanne we were unfortunately disappointed, she was difficult to read, those questions were mixed in with many appropriate questions and could have been just moments of someone being socially awkward. Kevin was easier to read, he was a bit of a mad hippie environmental scientist. His work was interesting and he had kindly invited me down to his lab to see what he has been working on.
The guest list for the upcoming bbq was a sticking point. We agreed on everyone but the blonde. After her continued attempts at making Bren uncomfortable with points of our history I had no desire to welcome her into our home, Bren insisted on it claiming that the rest of the gang were coming and she wouldn't do that to the others by singling her out. Steve and Brandon would have sided with me but I didn't say that to her. After five minutes of trying to convince her to change her mind I felt I had waisted too much oxygen on the Blonde and too much of Bren and my time together.
The morning of the bbq showed it would be a glorious spring day in LA, a clear smogless sky and warm enough to swim. Nat who was feeling better helped me prepare the meat, while Bren and Mum sorted the salad's and the pre lunch snacks. Our brother's arrived first and claimed their nephew, then Suzanne, Kevin and Erica, the latter insisted on running to her room to change into her swimming costume so Brandon, Steve or me could continue her swimming lessons. Willie and his family were next and were reminded by every one of us that he was too keep away from the bbq, his job today was too relax. Andrea and Jesse arrived not long after and were greeted by a screaming Erica who was being chased by Steve so he could throw her into the pool- essentially she was welcomed to the crazy and today very loud chaos of our home. When Donna, David and Kelly arrived together it was awkward to say the least.
Donna and David had been in our home but it was the first time for Kelly. From the moment the gates buzzed and we went out to welcome them it was clear she was uncomfortable. As she walked in and saw my favourite wall of family prints or walked passed the library that had Bren's and my books all merged together, it would hopefully finally sink in that we weren't playing. Once we had gotten the three of them drinks we took them outside, where it was time to rescue our son who had begun to complain from all the people. Bren was quick to grab him up and the little guy stopped complaining instantly. As she sat at the table with Art on her lap, I asked if her parents were definitely coming she said they had a business brunch with one of Dad's clients but they would come past afterwards.
As she was talking I noticed her shoulders were getting colour, as her skin was naturally pale and sensitive to sunlight I quickly grabbed the sunscreen and began rubbing it onto the exposed skin on her neck as she began chatting to Willie's wife. I wasn't unaware that I had an audience as I rubbed the sunscreen in, I could feel Kelly's eye's on me but I refused to look, she was either looking out of anger of seeing how Bren and my family worked or because… well she was insane if she was looking for that reason. When Erica came running out of the pool area having made fast friends with Willie's kids and rushed to Bren and I asking if she could turn on the spa, hopefully my life became more clear to the blonde.
"Sure Sweetheart but the temperature can't be too hot okay, it's a warm day and remember no jumping when the bubbles are on as you can't see the steps. Do you remember how to turn it on?" She nods, "Okay then keep it under 93 please."
As she runs away Steve starts his normal ribbing, "McKay you are so old these day's."
"Steve you think that's bad you should of seen him at Malibu the other day, we stopped for lunch and the man practically insisted on going into the kitchen to watch them make our meals."
I give Bren a teasing glare, "I wasn't that bad and they offered to let me watch."
"That's because it was quicker than them complying to your request to go through the details of every single ingredient used."
As I get up to start preheating the bbq I kiss her head, "well they got a big tip and it made me less paranoid that you were eating something that was restrictive."
"See, old McKay!"
Once the bbq was heated I looked at Bren, "should we wait for them or should I start cooking?"
"Start, obviously the brunch has gone longer than anticipated, and the kids and Steve will be grumpy soon if we don't get them lunch."
"Hey… why do I get lumped in with the kids?"
"Big guy do you even need to ask?"
"Silver watch it."
"Bren it is unfair, the kids have way more patience than Steve. Believe me after living with Steve for over a month I think Samantha deserves sainthood."
As the intercom for the gate buzzes Steve stands moving away from our laughter, "I'll get that, I believe I need to have a word with Cindy and Jim about the twins being mean to me."
As he walks off Brandon calls out to him, "you wanted to replace Val in our sibling triplet is that no longer the case?" As Steve walks inside he gives Brandon a gesture that hopefully the kids from the pool can't see.
"Brandon have you told Val that? She will torture you if she hears that you are trying to replace her."
"No I haven't spoken to her since I moved out, can't steal the phone away anymore from Mum and Abby's weekly marathon conversations. You?"
"Usual letter's back and forth, I try and call every few weeks. She wants to come out and see Art, she's upset she hasn't seen him since he was just a few weeks old."
Brandon's teasing tone indicates he knows Val is well aware of my and Bren's past, "Dylan you had a chance to talk to her yet?"
I look over my shoulder as I finish putting the last of the kids stuff on the grill, "yeah I've spoken to Art's Aunt Val. She is… well Bren tells me she won't follow through on the threats."
His belief that I am misguided in that assumption is clear, "Yeah she will, unless Bren's around. My sister has always been the only one who can keep Val sane."
As I turn back around from the grill I see movement inside, good I can finally put the rest of the meat on. " It's a good thing then that I plan to always keep my-"
As a nervous Cindy walks out, she is followed by a delighted Jim who cuts me off. "Hi everyone, I hope you don't mind we bought someone with us."