Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Power
"Brenda is that Aunt Val?" Being a mother certainly had changed me, being woken by a voice from a deep sleep would have made me jump in fright year's ago now it just made me open one eye and give a weak smile.
"Hey Sweetheart, yeah that's Aunt Val she wanted a sleep over." As I try and force my other eye open I look at Erica's outfit, jeans and her pyjama top. "You okay?"
"I was feeding Art his mash banana and he decided to blow bubbles. He sprayed the shirt we laid out last night." I give her a sympathetic look.
"Well it sounds like I need to get up then. You wanted to wear a blue t-shirt today right?" She nods. "Okay well I'm not sure if we have another one here and your denim shirt will be too warm." As I move to get up I hear a groan behind me.
"My carry on bag; I didn't have time to shop for real gifts so airport gift shop. There's a Buffalo Sabres hockey t-shirt in there for you Sweetheart and a little jersey for Art. The team colour is navy blue." Val had said all that without opening her eyes, Erica was beaming.
"Really?"
Erica's excited tone had Val smile while she remained with her eyes closed. "Yep just do me a favour make sure to wear it around Brandon it will drive him nut's."
"Come on Sweetheart Val's stuff is in the Den we can go grab it and finish getting you ready for school." As I begin to lead Erica out of the room I call out to Val. "Want a coffee?"
"Hmmmm I haven't decided if I'm ready to start my day yet. With this little sleep I fear I will have no control over my mouth."
"Do you ever?"
"No but I like to pretend I can try." I leave the room laughing as Val rolls over to face the other way.
Once I had found the shirt and removed the tags I sent Erica back to her room to finish getting ready while I went to help out with the rest of the morning routine. I walk into the kitchen and look at a shirtless Dylan. "Trying to recreate your calendar look?"
He turns and smiles at me. "Steve's nephew has decided that banana is a great toy."
I move closer and kiss my son on his head and then move closer to Dylan, "he's Steve's nephew this morning. That sounds like we are in for a full on day, he obviously knows his parents had limited sleep." Dylan wraps his arms around me and buries his head into my neck.
"I'm hoping Mum has missed him so much that she desperately wants to take him for another couple of hours of meditation practice in her spiritual garden."
"Oh Baby you are tired, none of that even got an eye roll, a sarcastic tone or a laugh. Why don't you go back to bed and I'll finish up here and take Erica to school?"
"Hmmm then you'll come back and join me in bed?" He lays a kiss on my neck.
"I think someone needs to supervise our son until his morning nap time."
"Okay how's this plan you take Erica to school, I play with Art to wear him out and then we put him down for his nap and we go back to bed together?"
"All three of us Sleaze? Your girl already told me she doesn't want to share you with me, everything else though is up for grabs. You she selfishly wants to keep all to herself."
He squeezes me tighter and lifts me slightly off the ground as he raises his head from my neck to look at our house guest, "good."
He put me down as Erica makes her way into the room, she was used to us being affectionate with each other but we still hadn't defined us enough to tell her yet and until then he knew I wanted to keep our affection to a more subtle form. "Sweetheart is that shirt from Brandon?"
"No Aunt Val gave it to me to annoy Brandon."
Val turned from her seat at the Island next to Art's high chair to look at Erica, "that's just the added bonus Sweetie." She held out her hand, "it's nice to finally meet you in person though I have loved our phone chats." Erica shook her hand and then reaches out and gives her a hug.
I look at the kitchen and note Dylan has done everything. Moving across the room I pour Val and I coffee and top up Dylan's. After putting Erica's lunch in her bag and trying to find all the places our little Pollock has flicked banana I note the time. "Erica sweetheart let me quickly go throw some clothes on and then we can be on our way." Erica being too absorbed in her conversation simply responds with an annoyed sigh, I look at Dylan, "did I just get teenage attitude?"
His amusement is clear in his tone, along with a hint of pride. "Yep and that's McKay teenage attitude it starts early and is more intense."
"Fantastic."
He comes up and hugs me from behind as I finish the last of my coffee. "Baby you know you are going to have years and years of it, McKay attitude with Walsh dramatics. Boarding school?"
"Oh please, you the big softie sending our kids to boarding school." It's that idea that has me amused as I leave to get ready.
Erica eventually is coaxed away from Aunt Val so I can take her to school, though it was with plenty of promises that she'll get to spend time with her this week. When I get home Dylan is outside in the garden with Art on a blanket playing and Val is no where in sight.
"Hey where is Erica's new favourite, back asleep?"
"She said something about changing to soak up the vitamin D." As I sit down with my back to the house I begin to play with one of Art's blocks. We are quiet for a few minutes, "I'm assuming that your blood pressure is back to normal." I nod. "You up for talking about last night?"
"What's to talk about, my brother thinks I'm capable of being a stuck up snob and thought I deserved what I got." He reaches out and squeezes my hand.
"You know that's wrong. He's a guy who has constantly had women throw themselves at him since he arrived here, he has been told by everyone's he's a great guy, hell when he got the taskforce even Donna said publicly everyone just loves Brandon. Teacher's loved him and he was solid with the jocks, the academics and the popular kids at West Bev. He let that all go to his head, he thought he was the man on campus and above reproach-"
He was the perfect one. "Yeah they loved him and hated me."
He threads our fingers together. "Baby you came into West Bev and in day's were hanging with the popular kids and then you…"
I look up and see Dylan is struggling to define himself in a conversation where arrogance has caused so much damage, "Mr McKay don't go shy now. Then I bagged the elusive, bad boy, who just happened to be the hottest guy on campus."
He smiles, "I like to think of it more like I caught you." Something behind my head catches his eye and he turns instantly to look into mine in a death stare.
Curious I turn around to see Val wearing the skimpiest bikini, "oh no did you accidentally pack your little sister's swimsuit?"
"Funny. I picked this one up on my way to the airport. You know Buffalo is so close to Canada and it's been a long winter, it's important for a girl to get vitamin D or she gets S.A.D. I read the best way for absorption is through the chest."
Yeah I'm sure it's too avoid seasonal depression. "You wear that when Erica is around I'll give you bangs in your sleep."
"You wouldn't dare, that last time you did that they took nearly a year to grow out."
"Imagine how bad they'll be when you aren't awake to supervise." As she walks past us I noticed it was a thong, I shake my head. "You better have put sunscreen on otherwise you'll burn your ass off."
I look back to Dylan who is giving me the most curious of looks, "you aren't angry at her?"
I laugh, "she said she was going to test you I'm just glad she is wearing a top. She's in our home, safe, the neighbours can't see her and above all Val wouldn't touch you. Though she will try and temp you, it's her way of having my back and making sure what she calls the sleaze is no longer in you."
"And you are okay with that?"
"You know how you think I'm unpredictable and how I don't like being told what to do?" He nods. "She's worse. If I react she'll find it funny and it will become a game, one that is no longer about testing you and rather about getting a rise out of me. I set the boundary on her fun so as long as Erica's home and awake you should be safe. Just be careful turning corners and lock the door when you are in the bathroom and maybe your bedroom door at night."
"She has absolute trust with you doesn't she?"
"If Val ever hurts me it'll be because she wants to hurt herself."
"You are okay with that?"
"I kinda think that's what you did with me as well, so no I'm not okay with that it hurts but if it ever happens it'll be her version of a cry for help, and will only be because I wasn't listening to her hard enough to hear the other cries."
"Brandon?" I get his unasked question.
"No. He wasn't hurting himself that one was aimed completely at me." I look at our yawning son. "I should get him feed and ready for his morning nap."
Once Art is down I get changed into my swimsuit and go join Val by the pool.
"One piece?"
"I'm a Mum I have stretch marks-"
"Oh please, you are full of shit."
"I do."
She sits up and turns her whole body to face me in my lounger. "Let's see them then."
"We are outside I'd have to take my costume nearly completely off my top half."
"You're a mum remember your boobs are out all the time to feed Art, so come on."
"Valerie-"
"B-r-e-n-d-a… if you don't show it then you are confirming you are full of shit." She raises her eyebrow at me and waits, when I don't move she nods. "Just what I thought, completely in you head. You being a chicken has earned you the punishment of being dressed by me for the rest of the week." I sigh as she lays back down. "Where's Dylan?"
"How did he earn his name this time?"
"By immediately looking at you. I nearly felt sorry for him."
"Don't he'll look again that's just Dylan but looking and touching are two very different things."
"And you are confident in that the touching has stopped?"
"Yeah and that's for both of us."
"Okay then what's stopping you from giving me my proper bedroom and you moving into the Master?"
"You don't like the Den? It's like your own apartment."
"It's lovely but long term impractical." I look at her and pull down my glasses and raise my eyebrow, "it's shit at home I want to get out of there but my sister and brother. I'm thinking it may be time to say some home truths to my Mum and then get out of dodge."
"What's mine is yours. You don't ever talk about your parents but you know if you-"
"I know you'll listen when I'm ready but not yet. So Master?"
"I want to feel like me again."
"You know you won't ever feel like that eighteen year old again? You have gone through stuff both physically and emotionally, it will leave marks… and no not stretch marks. So if you are waiting for that old Bren feeling I guess I should settle into the Den."
"Okay point taken, I guess I want to feel less timid to say the truth. Be the bitch you told me I was last night."
"Well okay then, if that's the goal it'll be my room by the time I'm back from this retreat." I laugh.
"Well that's a lovely sound to come home to my Darling." I look up to see Iris making her way down the path to us.
I stand and move over to her, "welcome home. Was it a good retreat?"
"It was wonderful and enlightening but from my son's description of the last four day's it sounds like your time here has been equally enlightening. How are you holding up?"
"I'm trying to stay in the moment and use the centring technique you taught me but there is a part of my mind that is running over that junior year and looking for all my flaws."
"Well that sounds ridiculous and a waste of energy, you my darling are not responsible for others. If they felt hurt, judged or were disgruntled then they were responsible to tell you, the same way you need to tell them. That's how we learn boundaries and maintain healthy relationships. Mind reading is not a skill we can learn and you can't walk through life paranoid that a smile or a word can be misinterpreted because of someone's own internal monologue." She gives me a hug. "Now congratulations are in order you got a callback, well done! You just let me know what I can do to help you get ready to earn the part, but before that I believe there is someone I need to meet."
"Yes, let me introduce you to Valerie." As we walk over Val gets up and meet us halfway.
"Hi Mrs McKay I'm Val."
"The only Mrs McKay will be this one next to me, please call me Iris." They shake hands, "that's a lovely bathing suit."
"Yes I…" Val almost looks embarrassed, she wouldn't dare dress like this in front of my mum.
"Was being mean to my son?" Val gave her a shy look, "he's told me of his new nickname." Iris reaches out and pats Val shoulder. "Have fun dear!"
"Really?" Her amazement is clear.
"If Brenda is okay with it then I am as well, you need to feel confident that he is good enough for Brenda and that I think is admirable. We need people in our lives who we can rely on and you seem to have my daughters back."
"Thank you." After a few minutes of getting to know each other Val asks if Iris would like to join our lazy day by the pool.
"I'd love to but let me go put my bags down in my cottage first and then I'll make us some iced tea."
It's clear Val likes her as while always polite, I can see she is genuinely keen to get to know Dylan's self-aware mum. "Do you need a hand?"
"That would be wonderful." I go back to my lounge and collect my sarong and pass it to Val. She gives me a grateful look.
As the two of them move into the house to I assume collect the bags, I follow behind but veer off to go look for Dylan. Finding him in our study, I lean against the door and feeling my eyes on him looks up. "Hey I thought you were hanging by the pool?"
"I was but Val ditched me for your mum." He gives me a questioning look. "They hit it off straightaway even with Val being Val. She usually focuses on harnessing her more sweeter character with parents but being busted in that outfit well very few can pull off innocent in that. She gave an Oscar worthy attempt but your Mum saw right through it. Val is now excited and fascinated that Iris seems to like her as is. They are dropping the bags at the cottage before making iced tea, I'm sure there will be a card reading in there as well, so I think I have about forty minutes of free time."
He gets up from his chair and moves over to me. "Oh really and you came to find me, anything in particular you want to do to fill that time?"
"Yes a nap. Want to join me?"
"Thank god, I feel like I'm about to collapse." As we begin to move to his room, he continues. "I was beginning to think I'd need to cancel taking Erica to Kevin's work this afternoon."
"Don't do that she is excited for the science but that's it, she really doesn't like him."
"Let's hope I can figure out why." I walk into his room and go straight for his draw and grab a t-shirt he chuckles, still in his pyjama pants and having put on a new singlet earlier he gets into the bed. "I'm going to have to buy more of those or you are, with two of us wearing them I'm only left with a couple between washes."
"Are you asking me to stop wearing them to bed?"
"I'd love you to stop wearing them and anything else to bed. Seems like such a waste of fabric."
"You know even when we are in that big bed that's not going to happen, kids come in or they need you in the middle of the night."
"When we are in the big bed, does that mean you've been thinking about moving in there? Cause if that's the case I'll make it easier you nap and I'll start moving us both in." He goes to get up but I gently push him down and move my head to his chest.
"Not yet. Soon but not yet." He kisses my head. We are quiet for a few minutes, and as I play with the fabric of his singlet I realise how calm and safe I feel. "I don't have a callback rehearsal tomorrow night and Erica is with Suzanne. Val would love to babysit, and I saw in the campus paper on Saturday as I was waiting for my audition that the campus music centre is having the junior string quartet perform and I thought maybe-"
He thankfully stopped my ramble. "Baby are you asking me on a date?"
"I'm… yeah I'm asking you on a date."
"I'd love to but are you sure this week? Brandon, the play, Val's tough love sessions-"
I knew his fear he wanted this to be about us and not in reaction to everything else. I lean up and turn my head to look at him. "Yes this week, with everything and being so busy I just want to stop and steal a moment with you. I want to just be with you. You once said I could make you forget everything when we were together, you can do the same for me. I can forget everything and just be with you. I'd like to just be with you for a bit."
He leans up and rubs our noses together, "can I do it properly?"
Was he asking to kiss me? "Do it properly?"
"Yeah this will be both of ours last ever first date I'd like to do it right."
I can't stop the smile that comes onto my face. "What does that mean Dylan?"
"It means, it's a surprise." I breathe out in frustration, "relax I'll let you know the dress code and as for the rest have I ever not delivered?"
"Yes our second, well our first official date you st-"
"I'm envisioning us at ninety in bed together like this, me with all my hair and you still discussing me standing you up."
"Baby would you like that to be the your Dad's, your grandfather, your great- grandfather was once a jerk in love story I tell generations of McKay's or should I choose something from senior year?"
He picks up on my tone. "Oh we are at the stage where we are joking about it now, well that's new. Please though don't let Steve join in on that, I'm still not yet able to forgive myself." I run my fingers down his cheek in understanding. "So if you get our second date, sounds better for me, as my jerk story, what jerk story of you do I get to share with our six kids."
"If I'm going through four more pregnancies then Baby you are never allowed to tell a jerk story about me. I'll be just your amazing patient wife."
My head vibrates from his laugh, "okay I'll stick to the funny in love ones. The hair dye, the sexy Robert Palmer performance, the forgetting of your passport-"
"Your bad singing that night-"
"You loved my singing."
"I did." I kiss his chest.
As I put my head back down on his chest he begins to play with my hair. "At Spring Break with your health and Nat being here we didn't get to go down to Baja but we will soon, I want another night of dancing under the stars with you all night."
I teasingly reply. "All night?"
"Well not all night." He holds me tighter. "We keep swapping lines."
"Well it's our story, our lines, they belong to both of us." I yawn. "You're a bad nap partner they'll be back soon and I need a few more minutes of sleep."
"Okay Baby I promise no more talking."
An hour later I untangle myself from Dylan's death grip and register the time, shit Art still can't be sleeping. I quickly move to his room and notice that he is no longer in his cot. After a quick moment to freshen up I go and see which woman has stolen my little alarm clock. Seeing them all out by the pool under the umbrella I have to smile, my son is disgruntled.
As I move to them Val spots me, "Sleeping Beauty your son is a little loner."
"Yes he is, he's not a big fan of being held. Thank you guy's for grabbing him." I go and collect my little complainer who instantly relaxes.
"That's okay Darling you and my son looked to be in a deep sleep. Would you like some iced tea?"
I nod gratefully and after checking Art has enough sunscreen on, I ask them what they have been up to. Val fills me on her card reading and declares that Iris sees her moving out here as well, the two women subtly give each other eye's and I'm assuming there is more to the move than a simple relocation but Val likes her secrets and I respect that if she wants me to know she'll let me know when she is ready. As they chat about the possible interpretation of her romantic cards we are joined by a half awake Dylan who quickly gets me to sit forward with Art so he can climb in back of our sun lounger. He brings us back onto his chest and between his legs and in minutes I know he is back asleep under his sunglasses.
Val's lowering of her sunglasses and curious glance at the quiet interaction makes me respond, "he complains that he doesn't sleep well without me."
"Another reason to move into the main bedroom with Sleaze and let me claim my real room."
"Don't you want him to permanently earn his name before you green light me moving in there?"
"You moving in there has nothing to do with me, and as for Sleaze earning his name well you have many incentives there to forgive him, and to do that you need to move past it all. As your best friend I have a vested interest in him being reminded daily how lucky he is that you are capable of forgiving and to not fuck it up again. I feel the nickname helps to serve that purpose."
"Val can I say it's going to be a real treat having you here."
"Why thank you Iris."
The ladies have made a veggie snack plate to go along with the ice tea so we chat away nibbling until Dylan wakes and decides a swim is in order. After a few laps he asks for me to bring Art over so he can join him. While Art is kicking up a storm Val gets down to the conversation I have been avoiding all day. "Brandon or Kelly who would you like to discuss first?"
"Neither." She stares at me. "Brandon, I'm not ready yet and I'm not even sure what I want to go and yell at him about. I'm still chipping away at the ugliness of his thinking."
"Okay so Kelly it is. Now I have filled in Iris on the situation in detail and we have discussed it, I personally think you should go nuclear and call her out for this obsession she has with you but Iris feels that you going off will give her cause to claim you are the unreasonable one."
"Darling I imagine she is doing it for a rise, the same way she brought up her conversation with Dylan on the swings at your weekly catch-up. When you did not give her any reaction she was unsure where to go with it and it made her appear like she was purposely stirring the pot. I think you doing nothing will make her confused and she'll genuinely lose her footing. She either has to keep up the charade of an interest in acting or she drops out, either way she is stuck looking like she is creating drama in a situation that everyone else is trying to be the bigger person in."
"If you want to go with Iris' high road strategy with the play that's fine but we are both of the opinion it's time to call her out for her need to single white female you. I think once you secure the part over her is when you strike, preferably publicly so she is unable to create a spin."
"What if I don't get the-"
"Brenda lose the self doubt it it's not a flattering look on you, and anyway do you really think Kelly is a better actress than you? The girl who couldn't even hide her pathetic mopping that Dylan chose to stay with you after his sand lice brain trauma that summer." She really remembered every slight against me.
"Sand lice brain trauma, that's a new one."
"Sleaze just be grateful that it wasn't another form of lice."
Dylan having handed Arthur over to me so I could dry him off picks up a towel, taking my advice he ignores Val. "I need to go shower and get ready to collect Erica to bring her to Kevin's lab. Do you want me to take Art with me?"
"Why doesn't he stay with Val and I, he'll be napping most of the afternoon?"
Dylan looks at Iris, "you sure Mum?"
"Of course, anyway I feel like cooking this afternoon and your kitchen is easier to do that in, you don't need to be so neat."
As I stand to bring Art inside to get him changed Dylan responds, "Mum you have met my girl right, the neat freak?"
"Funny Dylan. Iris go nuts and then feel free to rearrange the library-"
"Mum don't do that." As we walk away he grumbles, "Bren was that called for you know you can't put thoughts in their heads like that." I laugh at his discomfort over the potential of his precious shelf order being ruined. He makes me laugh harder when he declares, "Val's a bad influence on you."
By the time I'm parking on campus I realise that Kelly is the least of my worries, Brandon's revelation whilst hard to hear has taken all my emotional anxious energy. The blonde seems irrelevant compared to the importance of my relationship with my twin. As I walk into the theatre I see from the sign on sheet it's going to be a mixed callback for Mae and Maggie, it settles me that it won't be just the three of us. I say hi to Eddie and then as I'm early and the first to arrive I move over to Roy to thank him for the honour of a callback.
"Hi Mr Randolph I just wanted to thank you for the callback."
"Brenda Walsh isn't it?"
"Yes."
"Well you did very well on Saturday but you must call me Roy. You're a drama major right?"
"Yes hopefully specialising in theatre."
"Why theatre, most people these day's want the movies?"
"I think there is something truly brave and magical about being able to capture an audience imagination and hold it to the point that they forget they are watching a performance. To do it without the safety net of retake's and having to harness inside yourself the essences of the character physically and emotionally for the duration of the performance is brave."
"That's interesting why harness and not capture?"
"Capturing is what you do with a picture it's two dimensional, harnessing requires you to find the character in you the parts you identify with and understand."
"Do you relate to Maggie? Do you have her inside of you? She's tortured, scarred, helpless, a fighter, desperate to get through to her alcoholic husband, someone of your age may struggle to tap into the range of emotions needed."
"Maggie and I share some similar experiences." I wouldn't disrespect Dylan and discuss his medical issues in a casual form with a stranger, nor would I capitalise on the trials of the last few years.
Though even without me saying it Roy's very analytical stare managed to see something in my eyes. "Oh yes I believe you do. How do you see her fighting for her marriage, loud or more confined?"
"Confined. People who are truly scarred don't like picking at those scabs unless they are desperate."
"Scabs are wounds that are healing but they are still a wound."
"Yes I can't see Maggie ever being completely healed from her past of growing up poor and having to fight for what she's got, it's why Brick is perfect for her he's never going to be completely healed either. Together though they make the wounds less raw and can almost forgot when together that they are there. I think that's why he is fighting her so much in the play he doesn't want to forget his best friend and knows she is capable of it if he surrenders."
"You've spent along time in Maggie's world, tell me if you have an inner Maggie have you a Brick."
"He wouldn't readily admit to the characterisation but at times yes."
"How did you get him out of that place? Maggie struggled so badly to do it."
"You don't. Maggie is desperate to fix it but Brick needs to want to fix himself, though like Maggie doing nothing isn't in my character either. I've learnt love, time and a thick skin is needed."
"Miss Walsh I must begin the tutorial but this conversation has been truly fascinating."
By the time I move over to the chairs past the rest of the callbacks actress's who have arrived, Kelly looks at me. I nod in greeting and then sit on the only remaining chair beside Laura.
Roy begins the tutorial with an overview of the character and notes Kelly's expression when he mentions alcoholic, she advises that both her mother and ex boyfriend are alcoholics. They discuss it for a moment and then he asks her to perform a small monologue using the emotions of dealing with an alcoholic. It's a good performance a little too biting for the Maggie I see. Roy surprises me and asks me if I see Maggie the same way, I say I think she'd be more coaxing. That she would draw on the intimacy of the two more. He asks me to show him by performing the same monologue. Afterwards when I move to sit down he just says, "yes this just got very interesting."
As we are finishing up for the evening and after confirming our Wednesday rehearsal workshop, Kelly approaches. "Hi, I haven't heard from you since Saturday."
"Yeah we've been busy. Kids, family brunch, Arthur's Aunty Val arriving and Iris coming back from her retreat. As usual it's been a very family packed forty-eight hours. I actually need to head off I'd like to try and make dinner and hear about Erica's science field trip with Dylan this afternoon and then put the kids to bed."
From her tone it's clear that she is uncertain about what to do. "Oh sure I won't hold you up but are we okay?"
"That's kind of a loaded question with us isn't it? I mean since that summer have we ever really been okay? But if you are asking do I mind you going for the part, it's a free country and it's Roy's decision who he casts not mine. I do think it's strange that you didn't tell me on the phone on Saturday night when I asked about your audition but I guess keeping secrets and dropping bombshells is your preferred communication style with me. I was hoping that we had matured past it though. Anyway I need to go, but for whatever my opinion counts you did well up there."
"Oh yeah you too."
As I walk back to the car I realise I have no desire to let my ex best friend keep hurting me, and the reality is she is only capable of it if I give her power in my life to do it. It's time I accept the reality or the illusion of the close friendship we once had is gone, and our sophomore and junior history, our gang connection doesn't mean I owe her unlimited chances.