Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Note there is a reference to the potential of miscarriage- if you would prefer to skip this part it starts when Steve walks up to Dylan and Brandon. Ends when Dylan says "Sh*t."

Chapter Forty-One: Perspectives and Limits

Val's words keep ringing in my ears from the time I said goodbye to Roy, my walk to the library, and now back to get the keys. He never told me she would stop by, it had never been said in phone calls or in January. It was only the summer he said. As I walk I can see they are all still there, and as they are standing I'm guessing they haven't sat down since they stood to say goodbye to Roy. Getting closer I can hear Dylan, "She got me from our first date, she saw first hand my relationship with Jack, the shady shit he involved me in and she got it. She understood the car, wardrobe, the reputation, the money and the image are all bullshit illusions-"

I'm not interested in hearing how I'm better for him than her, if he couldn't fucking remember it enough to kick her the hell out of his home back then it's pointless information. Dylan wasn't naïve when it came to women he knew what she was doing and he let it continue. It was up to me to stop this meaninglessness sentimentality that was flowing from his lips, "I've told you before they aren't, they are just the least interesting things about you." His fucking ability to lie to me is clearly the most interesting or maybe it's second to how he can keep convincing me that he is trustworthy.

They all turn to look at me, "I forgot to grab the car keys and I'm not going to carry this stack of books around with me till lunch."

Dylan holds my eyes his relief that I'm giving him access to them is short lived. He tries to see if he can lift my mood by talking about the kids, reminding me of our family, letting me know we are no longer back in senior year, "did Erica's books come in yet?"

"Yes I think we have a book covering every potential science fair project she could make." He knows me enough to know my light tone doesn't match my emotions.

"Seriously that's it? You guy's are just going to carry on as if nothing happened."

I look at Kelly and calmly respond, "what happened? Val told the story of the last few year's, we were all there it wasn't like it was new information."

"She embarrassed us all."

"She told the truth Kelly. If you were embarrassed by the telling, if any of you felt shame over your behaviour from back then well that's on each of you." If I leave it there they may self reflect but with this group it wasn't a guaranteed, fuck it I'm over the whole fucking thing. "And yeah if I was you guy's I'd been fucking embarrassed about it."

"Brenda do you have any idea the accusations she has made at us?"

Rather than answer Andrea, I turn to Steve. "What did I miss?"

"Pretty much everyone besides Silver, McKay and I were bitched slapped. Brando not since you left but she got him good the other night and when you were here before."

I look to my best friend and raise my eyebrow, "relax I toed the line, I even gave advice and modelled good friendship."

I laugh, "why do I think your kindness went over like a lead balloon." She gives a sarcastic confused expression. I turn back to Andrea, "is there truth to what she said?"

The old Blaze Editor stumbles a little over the first word and then picks up her high school nervous habit of speaking too fast. "Yes, but she is completely misrepresenting what happened."

"Okay Val based here telling of the events off…" I turn to Val, "who did you say gave you their story?"

"You, Bran, Cindy, Dylan, Steve and Iris, you could also add Nat's in there but I didn't hear it for him directly. Iris yesterday filled me in on hers and his while we were making dinner. He by the way overhears a lot of conversations and remembers everything. I'm so looking forward to meeting him." She wasn't even trying to hide her amusement at the prospect.

I look back to Andrea, "okay so Val's telling was a combination of seven peoples perspective and her own narrative flare, if you feel she misinterpreted what happened then I'm all ears."

"She basically accused us of sitting around and doing nothing, but we couldn't get involved it wasn't our business." That's her weak defence that she was respecting our privacy.

"You came to my house waiting for me after my therapy appointment after the hold up why were you there?"

She gives me a confused look. "You went through a traumatic experience I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"And you don't think finding out my boyfriend of two years and my best friend having a relationship behind my back wouldn't be traumatic?" She's silent. Fuck it a spade is a spade. "You were in that bathroom right? When Kelly accused me of liking the fact that Jack had died, liking the fact that Dylan lost his father just so he could cry on my shoulder. Once I left I saw you walk out a minute later. Tell me did you tell her she was wrong then? Did you tell her I was right when I told her it's about Dylan feelings they are what mattered? Did you come and find me to make sure I was okay after that accusation?"

The gasps from Donna and the disappointing look David was aiming at his sister was clear he wasn't aware of this, Brandon was also giving his chief a look and was shaking his head, Steve just closed his eyes I imagine to keep in his anger. I didn't look at Dylan in truth I didn't want to, these people didn't get the satisfaction of knowing that but he knew.

She's quiet long enough to indicate she's not going to answer and her apologetic look gives me no comfort, "still think Val was unfair in her 'accusations'?" She doesn't respond to that either. "Yeah I didn't think so."

I look to Donna as I've heard from everyone else that I need to here; David owed my nothing he should be loyal to his sister even if she was in the wrong he wasn't required to publicly say that or even privately say that to me. "Donna do you feel like Val missed a valuable perspective?"

She spoke quietly. "No. You took over the telling before she could explain how none of us showed up for you. If Brandon and Steve hadn't been there for you you would have been alone to deal with it."

Yeah she's missing the point it's not about the amount of people who came running to help me deal with it, it's about what the showing up means. "No I had Iris as well, she came when she found out. She didn't speak badly of her son and neither did I, but she understood you don't need to take sides when someone's in pain or has been wronged you just need to be there and let the person know that they aren't alone."

"We didn't do that, I didn't do that. I sat at your house for hours after finding out my mum cheated and you listened-"

Okay I'm not suggesting that we were anywhere near the same ballpark of a twenty year marriage or that friendship is tit for tat, "that's not the same thing, your world fell apart that day-"

"And yours didn't?" No it didn't, it began to turn to sand that day, and just when I thought I had made it solid it starts to lose it's shape and fall again. From my silence she assumed I was in agreement with her. I couldn't correct her no one here besides Val and Steve got to know this. I can see she's about to offer me an apology I subtly shake my head. I don't need it publicly and I don't want to have to try and figure out if I can forgive her here. And I also don't want to let go of even an ounce of my anger and let other emotions out. Donna I assume takes it to mean I want it privately and nods her head.

My best friend though clocks it and it takes her a few seconds for her to properly understand what I'm feeling, I can tell when she immediately starts trying to figure out a reasonable exit strategy. As she is about to speak up Kelly beats her to the punch, "what about me?"

"What about you?"

"You don't want to know if I felt my perspective was missing?"

"No. Your perspective is clear, you are one of those people who believe that when you fall in love it doesn't matter who you hurt because you are justified by being in love. Here's the thing about that thinking, if the person you fall in love with falls in love too then why can't you both just do the honourable thing and be honest with the people in your life. You don't need to add insult to injury with a physical affair the emotional one the partner has allowed to develop is horrendous enough. Just be patient, don't touch and step back so they can end it as respectfully as possible so you can be together, that would be as honourable as you can be in a difficult situation." I smile, "but wait that's what you tried to do when I came back right, you stepped step back and tried to be honourable, oh but wait he didn't follow you. Did you think he'd miss you and leave me? Did you think him seeing you all honourable and selfless, sacrificing your own happiness for your best friends… did you think it would make you more desirable? Look how I've grown and matured into a selfless person since the last time I asked you to cheat on Brenda with me in sophomore year."

"But when that didn't work you decided what the hell I'll try another approach and make some late night visits to convince him. I'd say it's commendable that you tried to even be honourable a little bit but you really didn't. From the moment I got off that plane you weren't trying to hide it one little bit. You wanted Dylan to know you were devastated. Did you think if he saw how much you missed him he'd go running? She loves me so much she's walking around destroyed after what three weeks together? I think it's even funnier on reflection that a few day's after the park you were angry that I didn't want to have anything to do with you, shocked that I hadn't forgiven you. I mean a three week affair and you can be depressed for two months. I get two years and only have hours to bounce back otherwise I'm the bitch. Did you walk around telling everyone how Brenda was being so mean to you for not moving on? And let me guess they nodded and didn't call you a bloody hypocrite."

"Kelly do you want to know why I don't care about your perspective, because there is no justification in the world you can offer to make what you did right. There is no sob-story, victim claiming, great love driven drivel that you can offer that can excuse all of your behaviour. If it had been just one episode of crappy behaviour maybe but it wasn't. It was the summer; walking around looking for sympathy for months; coming after him when I got home; it was that you used my best friend musings told in confidence to gain his favour; pretending it was just an innocent date after we had ended it; it was that you wanted and needed to be there when he stuck the knife in; that you thought it would be okay to demand I still talk to you day's later; it was your harassment in the bathroom; it's your anger at me during those dinners; it's what you said to me in your hospital room when I offered the olive branch to try and rebuild our friendship; it's your continued need even to this day, to make sure you let me know you had him; and, it's how even after more than eighteen months since that summer you are still trying to find ways to undermine my happiness. There is no perspective that can justify all of that, can make it anything else than what it is, hate."

"And whatever you hate me for whatever slight you perceive I did to cause this, I think it's time you realise your punishment doesn't match the crime. Maybe you use those psych books of yours and look up the type of person who gets off on causing pain to another, who enjoys hurting them, even looks for ways to do it, the type of person who feels completely justified in their actions and deeply offended that they would ever be held accountable for it. Maybe it's time you grow the hell up and realise that people don't have to care about your perspective and you aren't always entitled to one, especially not when you're continually doing the hurting." I look to Val, "I'm done here."

"That's good because I'm thirsty and honestly I'm not feeling collegee today." She walks up to Dylan, "car keys please I'm taking my girl and my nephew to lunch." From my peripheral vision I can see that she gives him a look, he knows not to ask to come along.

As he is reaching into his pocket for the keys he asks my brother, "B can you give me a lift home later?"

"No problem Jones." Val walks back to me with a smile and threads her arm through mine and we turn to walk away.

"Baby will you be home when I get back?" He's aiming for relaxed but the fact that he is asking the question means he isn't.

I put my nail into her arm and then go to answer "Ye-"

"Doubtful, I haven't seen any of LA so if Miss Never Skips Class is skipping class then it's a long lunch and an afternoon of lots of shopping."

I laugh, "seems like that will be a no."

As we walk away she natters about potential shopping places and when we are far enough away when they can't hear us she changes her jokey light tone. "Shit you didn't know about her going to his house, you didn't want to know the details. I'm sorry I got caught up in my rant and-"

"He told me nothing happened after I got back."

"It didn't-"

"Val he emotionally continued cheating on me, letting her in, having secret flirtations and chats, even if he wasn't flirting he allowed them, let her in."

"Bren you've moved past this you've forgiven him. You were about to start again tonight. You sure you want to let this information derail where you are going?"

"Did he ask her to stop coming over? Did he deter her away from it?"

She doesn't pause it's straight up honesty with us. "No."

I breathe deeply, "okay let's go grab Art, and go home and pack an overnight bag. I haven't been on a boat in ages, we could take the ferry to Catalina Island for the night it's only an hour away."

"Desperate to get out on the water or desperate to make it almost impossible for Dylan to come and get you?"

"Does it matter?"

"Babe I'll follow you anywhere but you got to know what this will do to him. He gets home to no you, no Art, no date, no way of getting in contact with you-"

"I know what this will do I'll leave a note or I'll tell Iris… I just… you wanted me to wake up and this is me awake, this is me feeling way too fucking much. My instinct is for me to run, I can't I'd only run with Art and Erica and I can't do that so this is-"

"A mini alternative. You need this?" I nod. "Okay let's get Art, go home pack, make reservations, and leave a note or tell Iris, but first babe we are stopping at a drive through I wasn't lying about being thirsty."

"You told her that she liked the fact that Dylan lost her father? And Andrea you knew?" Donna's shocked tone isn't able to drag me back into the conversation I'm still watching her walk down the path with Val.

I'm so busy spinning that I don't hear Brandon approach, "she's not okay."

"You clocked it too?"

"Twin sense. Was it too much for her?"

"No, she didn't know about Kelly's visits she didn't want details I told her nothing happened once she got home and it didn't not-"

"Physically. D I yelled at you already about how you were carrying on during those months back at thanksgiving, I know you physically didn't do anything but you enjoyed her attention too much, you allowed her to much access. You didn't think my sister needed to know that information? How many times do you want the floor to fall from under her?"

No one could hear us but he was getting tense, "not here. Your sister doesn't want them to know how she feels."

"What are you going to do?"

"Give her space it's what she wants, when she's had her lunch and shopped she'll come home and hopefully be ready to talk." I run my hand through my hair, "do you know we are planning on having our first date tonight? I have it all planned, even called in some favours from the concierge at the BelAge to organise it. It will be the last ever first date either of us go on, I want to make it perfect."

"D-" I can't stomach to hear his sceptical tone right now.

"Don't okay I know, even if I can convince her to go it'll be ruined now. That betrayal will be in her head. Call me crazy but I'd rather that not be what she thinks about when she tells our first date story to our grandchildren."

"You think that-"

He couldn't be serious, "it's not that fucking bad. She's forgiven me for worse, and it's not like I didn't offer to tell her everything she didn't want details, she's-"

"Look man I'm learning to accept that you know her better than I do I'm just saying that she has limits you may never have come across them before, but she has limits. It's a lot she's been asked to forgive."

When I run my hand through my hair again I almost pull strands out I'm getting more concerned by the second. "Fuck I don't even know where they have gone to go after her, I just have to sit around here now and wait for my fate." Fuck, I laugh a humourless laugh he looks at me, "last night I told Bren fate didn't like me and she said it gave me her, our kids, our family, our life it must-"

"You guy's get any of that?" We both look to Steve as he walks over.

Brandon responds. "No man. They all gone?" I look around it's just the three of us.

"Yeah, I'll have to tell Val to watch her back-"

"My wife is the last person who you need to worry about, Bren and I have her covered not that she needs it." If I was in a better headspace I'd make a comment about both the literal and underlining claiming of Val by Brandon, something was telling me Steve may have pushed too many buttons in this area since collecting her from the airport.

I look to Steve, "do you think she'll leave Bren alone now?"

"Honestly McKay I don't know, they all appear either annoyed at Val or snipping at each other, no one is really looking at their own behaviour except maybe Donna. Silver and I just stood there watching the girls mainly carry on about the bathroom."

"I'll hash it out with Andrea, she should have at least told me about what happened. Bren back then was pretty quiet about that stuff."

"To you maybe but she kept me in the know." What? She told Steve over Brandon, I give him a look not understanding why she'd trust him more in this than her own twin. He understands I'm confused, "at first she wanted an outsider's perspective. I didn't know Brenda as well as I do now so whether it was the hormones or just a reaction to what happened, either way she was unsure of herself. When Kelly would snipe she'd go over the scene with me to make sure she wasn't being the person Kelly claimed she was. It's around that time she stopped talking as much when we were in a group, would sit to the side more. She also loved wearing those flannels as it meant no one was looking at her she wanted to hide away, she was pretty unsure of herself that first month after the funeral."

"How come I didn't know this?"

"Brando our sister isn't stupid she knew you guy's had problems, she knew while you were currently angry at Dylan and Kelly she didn't know how long that would last. This is before she knew about the pregnancy, and anyway you were working most nights. I'd do detention and then head to yours, my grades needed to come up to get in here so Bren made sure of that she'd check my homework tell me what to do the next day in detention, and then we'd watch old repeats of Hartley House. We'd sit through them in silence, or I'd tell her stories about growing up on the set, and occasionally she'd ask me my opinion; was she really like whatever she had been told or thought people were claiming she was that day. That first week after she found out about Art it continued as normal but she became more quiet when we watched. She was also obsessed with holding her stomach. I thought it was because she was nauseous so I asked, she told me it was stupid but she was holding it because she thought somehow the baby would know she wanted them to stay in not to fall. It's when I figured how much she wanted the baby. Did you guy's know my birth mother was the same age as Bren when she was pregnant with me?" We both shook our heads, it starts to make sense. Bren told me on new year's everything he did for her and I understand how he earned brother status but they genuinely loved the other it wasn't romantic in the least but I was beginning to understand how Steve formed that love.

"Well yeah I made her a promise then to help her hold the baby in and she believed that I would, from then on she told me everything. It's why I hate it so much, hearing about those remarks about the attitude that was aimed at her, even before the preeclampsia her doctors wanted her to avoid stress, every remark increased it. She wouldn't let me tell anyone off didn't want the drama or the confrontation so I started telling her jokes between classes or funny stories; laughter is supposed to help with stress. Anyway the day's that were the worst for her were the day's you Dylan needed the most support because it would be followed by her taking heat from Kelly, and then dealing with just the usual insensitive remarks from the rest of the gang that became common practice. Those day's I'd need to bring out the big guns the dirty jokes. Anyway so yeah Brandon she may not have told you but she let me know it all."

"Hey is that why you were always rubbing her stomach in private?" What? I can feel my jealousy rise up.

He smiled, "that started as a joke. She let go her stomach one day needing two hands to open a box of those dry crackers that she could barely keep down most day's, anyway I reached for her belly letting her know it's okay I've got it there will be no falling on my watch. Anyway I surprised her with that and with my dramatic flare in my line delivery, it made her crack up and from then on ever time I touched her belly she laughed. I just got in the habit of doing it when we were alone, I even managed to do it occasionally at the Pit when she was wearing a lose enough jacket, it was risky but I'd do it on day's that she was feeling really nauseous or if you and Kelly decided that you needed to make out in front of her." His accusing tone on the last one was clear, I was an insensitive asshole. Even without the pregnancy that was cruel, here's the girl I cheated on you with now watch us kiss. Fuck!

I was starting to understand their connection I bet he was able to read Bren as well as Brandon and I, "you know she's pissed at me, don't you?"

"McKay she's not pissed at you, that's what happens when you don't buy new milk after drinking the last of the old one. Whatever made her flip her switch during Val's smack down well if this was senior year again I'd be using all my dirty jokes and even then I don't think I'd get much of a smile. You've been pretty good since she got back but my warning still holds true, whatever peace she wants now whatever is going to let her finally relax and enjoy life again, enjoy this time with her son she gets. You may be my brother but just in case there is any confusion, Arthur is my nephew I held him in when you were too busy wanting light and giggles, pretending his mother was just some ex that you threw away. I made sure that she didn't collapse under the stress of it all, I've been protecting them from the very start. She's my sister, he's my family and there is no honorary rubbish about any of it."

I try and project my thanks and my awareness that I fucked up. "You know I love you man for doing that but I also resent the hell out of you for it. That's where my hand should have been, I should have been-"

"McKay your hands was too busy being on Kelly you didn't have enough of them to hold him in as well." What the hell? "Don't look at me like that, I don't want to hear what you felt you missed out on how it was yours, it fucking wasn't, you lost that right. Your choices, your fucking weakness, all because you wanted to be with the blonde for the summer you left the rest of us to fucking pick up the pieces of the shit show you caused." His anger was visceral and with one last look of disdain he simply just walks away.

"Shit." I'm silent as he leaves running both hands through my hair. "Man can you take me home I'm just hurting people left and right, and honestly until I talk to your sister I'm not going to be able to concentrate?"

"Yeah of course. Mind if we stop by the Pit I need to sign some cheques?"

"Not at all. I'm starving anyway and I imagine I'll just be sitting at home worrying till Bren gets back."

When I arrive home early afternoon I'm surprised that Mum's in the main house. "Hey you decide you feel like cooking again?"

"Dylan darling come sit with me a minute please."

My Mum was clearly uncomfortable, "hey everything okay?"

"Yes it's fine, I just… Brenda came home earlier-"

"Oh is Art here? Did she ask you to mind him while they went to lunch?"

"No no he's with Brenda and Val. Look I'm just going to say it but darling you can't overreact okay it's just for the night."

I could feel the dread rise. "What's for the night?"

"Brenda, look she is really a McKay and when things get too much-"

Shit, I close my eyes and finish mum sentence. "We run." A take a few seconds to absorb that information. "She's gone and taken our son with her?"

"She isn't gone she has taken an overnight trip to clear her head, she'll be back tomorrow."

"Where did she go?" My mother looked uncomfortable, "she didn't want you to tell me?"

"No Brenda wouldn't put me in that position, she wouldn't put me between you two. She said she'd call when she got where she is going."

So she's gone and I have no idea where she and Art are. "She'll be back tomorrow you are sure about that?"

"Dylan she won't keep you away from Art you know that. She just needed a few hours away from everything-"

"We live on a large property, with a gate, neighbours who are far enough away that they can't hear anything over here. She could have come home and turned off the gate, taken the phone off the hook if she needed to get away from everyt… me she wanted to get away from me." I look over my Mum's shoulder less than six hours ago I was kneeling in front of her we were so lost in each other now she can't stand to be near me.

"Look you've been here before, you know she just needs to-"

To go from this morning to this, what's to stop her from taking it all back? "Mum I don't know, she was sick last time she needed me to help with Art. She was forced to stay giving us time to work through it. She's now nearly all better and… Brandon told me she has limits, I know that, look at her parents. What happens if she decides that she's reached hers with me?"

"Can I ask what happened, what hadn't you told her?"

"I told her when she got back from Paris it stopped and it did, but Kelly would still come over and visit it happened a couple of times I never invited her but she'd just stop by. Val knew, she wanted the details to understand who I was and well Val can get you to talk, she knows Kelly came over to flirt and to undermine my relationship with Bren- Val knows I let her, she knows I didn't ask her to stop even when I knew she was doing it."

My mum was perceptive. "And? There's more even if Brenda doesn't know it yet."

"And Brandon knows I flirted with Kelly at The Pit during that time, I made some comments about wanting to see her in the shower, I also supported her when her Dad didn't show up gave her a shoulder to cry on."

"So you didn't stop it then when Brenda got back."

"I did-"

"Dylan that wasn't a question that was a statement. If Brenda had done what you did over those months, had been in your position and had every conversation you did with her own blonde fling would you have thought she was invested in your relationship, would you consider her to be honouring your promise to each other, would you have been okay with it?" I slowly shake my head. "I've been there your father put me there many times, secretary's were his favourite- never going quite to the physical but doing enough to make me feel I was a joke that his commitment to me was a joke. Monogamy, our commitment, our promises to the other, it was a line for him to walk, how close could he get before it was cheating, it was like a game of chicken at first by the end of our marriage I don't even think he even attempted to avoid it at all he was so far over that line I think he forgot it existed."

"Dylan if there was no Art or Erica, knowing everything you did would you expect for her to forgive you? If the roles were reversed would you be forgiving her?"

I'm not answering that, I'm not saying that response out loud. "What are you saying Mum?"

"I'm saying you had a window to be absolutely honest, you told her no lies when you came into this house you said she knew everything. Whether you purposely misled her or you genuinely believed you had been faithful because you hadn't touched that girl after that plane landed it doesn't matter anymore, it will only matter what Brenda believes." She shakes her head, "this this here was why you needed to tread carefully, you needed to make absolutely sure you didn't make another mistake. Dylan you asked about limits, do you remember our conversation back in January outside my hotel?" I nod. "Then you'll hopefully remember I told you that Brenda's a Scorpio they have a thick outer shell, if she puts it up between you and her I don't think there will be anything you can do then to convince her. That shell is your limit."

Mum stayed in the house with me all afternoon and into the night we hardly spoke. An hour after I had arrived home Val rang to say they made it safely to their destination. Brenda she said was in with Art nursing him and then putting him down for his afternoon nap. When I asked her how bad it was it was the first time I had heard Val sound unsure. She apologised for saying it in the story, she didn't realise that the details would effect Bren in such a way. I knew she hadn't done this on purpose an I told her as much.

Mum eventually went home and for the first time I spent the night in our house alone. I didn't sleep a wink, I just kept moving in between the rooms of my family, thinking if I willed them to come home they would.

A bit after nine am I heard the car pull up and I rushed out to see her and Art. As I moved to the car Val climbed out of the driver's seat. "Where's Bren?"