Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Wow when starlite22 messaged me about the cliffhanger less than an hour after I posted chapter 41 jokingly telling me I couldn't leave it there. I advised that I had just cut the last 580 words off that chapter and made them the start of chapter 42, as I just thought the chapter was already alot. I didn't know in doing that last minute change that I'd cause such a stir. But can I say, I loved it. I have loved finding out how you are invested in this and hearing each of your perspectives, they have been amazing to read. Thank you for the story passion.
Chapter Forty-Two: Penance
"Class, I dropped her off at campus." As I reached in to the car to grab my son, I take a moment to breathe him in.
When we are inside and Art is securely on my lap in my arms I look at Val. She gets my unasked question, "she's saying she's feeling too much, that it's all too much, too confusing."
I'm having flashbacks to a carpark overlooking the beach, "the first time she spoke like that she broke up with me."
She rolls her eyes, "Dylan I'm not saying that. Look she'll be home tonight-"
"No this is her half day, she comes home for a couple of hours before going to her sorority meeting." We can get this sorted then.
Val gives me a sympathetic look it's the first I think she's worn since arriving in LA, it makes me more nervous. "She's staying on campus all afternoon, she has to catch up on what she missed yesterday and then wants to prepare for her rehearsal this afternoon. I think the sorority meeting is the last thing she wants to attend."
Shit is she hiding from me? "She doesn't have a car should I pick-"
"She said Steve's on campus late this afternoon she'll arrange a lift with him." She gives me a second with that and then I assume attempts to change the subject, that's not going to work. "So is Erica here tonight?"
"Yeah Suzanne does the Thursday morning shift this week so yeah." I kiss my son's head, what the hell is happening. "I was so sure that this was behind us that we were there that we were-"
She sighs I assume realising that this is a conversation I won't let her out of. "That's what Bren said to me after that night in January, she thought that each day after that you would tell her it was her that you had chosen. That whatever those months had been about, her punishment for breaking up with you again, for hurting you, she thought it was behind her."
"What did you tell her when she said that?"
"I told her what any good best friend would, that after two years if he doesn't understand how lucky he is to have you then he isn't worth your fucking time; that the only choice is for her to walk away after months of this rubbish. Who gives a shit what he chooses, that she should get a guy who knows there will never be a choice."
"She didn't listen though-"
"And she didn't listen when I thought you dating her best friend out of no where was weird either. Bren doesn't listen a lot when it comes to you. Seeing you guys together I get why, she's completely yours I'm not even sure she knows how gone she is."
"It's mutual." I wait for her to give me a sarcastic or disbelieving response. Instead she surprises the hell out of me.
"I know. Look you were a sleaze but I can see you love this life you have with her and I know you love her, all of her. Maybe you should of told her more details or I should have told you to tell her, but I honestly thought she would have assumed that something went on behind her back, especially for you to run straight to her more than two months after, and I think she does know that. I think yesterday was the catalyst but not the problem I think that she wasn't as over it as her jokes were demonstrating."
"You think she still hasn't forgiven me?"
"Dylan when you asked Brandon to call me did you think you were secure, her and you?"
"Yes."
"You told her why I was coming?" I nod. "Did she change towards you, get nervous?" I shake my head. "So it's safe to assume she was prepared for Donna, Andrea, Kelly and Brandon to be the relationships she needed to look at- I think she thought you guy's were done with this as well. I think that she surprised herself when she found out how much it hurt hearing that, I'd say by how she was was spinning last night that she didn't even realise that it was still there. All, I can think is that she has left things unsaid. Has she been angry at you? Has she chewed you out for it?"
"She's pushed me away, not spoken to me unless it's about the kids, she's said some biting remarks."
"My best friend needs to stop deflecting in our phone conversations." Her mumbled exasperated response was clearly not meant for me to answer. "So she hasn't been angry, fire angry?"
"Arthur's always been there and she couldn't her blood pressure, she hasn't stayed too long after hearing information she tends to go to sleep, have a bath, be by herself." She rolls her eyes.
"Have you had a chance to get angry at her yet?"
"What can I get angry at her for all of it is my fault that summer and everything since?"
"Seriously?" She gives me an unbelievable look. "You have no anger over her dating boring Paris guy? Your girlfriend comes home saying hey I just kissed a guy for a few day's and nearly decided to skip coming home to backpack around Europe with him but shit I missed the taxi-" What the hell! My face must give away that this was new information. She was thinking of running off with him? She was going to just leave me? "Okay I'm guessing you didn't know that last part." Her exasperation is clear, though it doesn't detract her from throwing more grenades. "And you are sure that you have no anger at being kept in the dark about the pregnancy? I mean there was a clear point when it became dangerous but she could of told you in those first few weeks she knew. But she decided you didn't need the worry, that you needed time to support Kelly and mourn your father, then she needed a break from it all. They were big decisions for her to make for you." I knew this, Bren had told me on New Year's why she hadn't and then about how dangerous the pregnancy had turned and by then it was too late to tell. Do I wish she had made a different choice, do I wish she could have told me so I could have been the one to hold him in, watch him grow inside her, so I could have taken care of her, seen his first moments on this earth? Yes I wanted all that. I love my book but I wish it wasn't needed, I wish she had come to me straight away. "From your face again I'd say there's a bit of anger there, a fair bit."
She pauses, "Dylan you've spent four months taking care of her, the kids, putting all their needs first. The way she describes it, from your Mum's view and from what I can see you are doing everything perfectly, trying to please everyone in this house. How long are you planning on punishing yourself? How long do you think you can keep this up?" She pauses, "now don't get me wrong I'll be calling you sleaze for years to come, so you don't forget, so you never take this and her for granted. I'll probably keep testing you too just because I trust only one person completely and the universe has meant we are going to have to learn to share her. But even knowing everything you have done the pain you caused, she wants you even if she is being stubborn, and well I love her and want my best friend to be happy."
She gives me a serious look. "You guy's can't be happy like this. I know the reason you gave for it. At seventeen when you finally believed you had a family it was ripped away all because Bren decided to sneak to Baja and Jim decided to punish you for that." My eyes go large I have never blamed Brenda for the rift with her family, for me bearing the brunt of it. "Dylan she's my best friend I'm honest with her in everything, she fucked up on Baja and in running away to your house that summer, you heard me yesterday I'm not going to assign all the blame to you. She makes her own choices, she needs to own them. She let you play Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe when I told her… well there is a reason I declared it disturbing for women in general. She put herself in that position for months, she wasn't forced there. That penance you are inflicting on yourself to be perfect, does Bren have to be as well or does she get to make errors, are you letting her off because she's the most hurt in your eyes?"
"She's doing everything right she's-"
"You were okay about her going for an overnight trip with Art without talking to you first? Oh okay and here I thought it would have done something to you, I told Bren as much when she suggested it and she thought the same- I guess we were wrong. Cool so we can take him for vacation whenever we want without you knowing, good to know."
I ignore her sarcastic tone, "no Val I didn't like it but she's upset at something I did-"
"So she's allowed to be inconsiderate, to make you worry about her and your son. Is that your new self inflicted punishment this week?"
"Val she's angry at me I can't get angry at her-"
"In four months have you got angry at her besides that one time when you found out she was advised to have a few more day's of bedrest on getting out of the hospital? Have you got angry with her since you told her how you made the decision that night since you told her about soulmates?" I run through the last three months since moving in here and I can't remember ever being angry at her, my long silence gives Val her answer. "That's what I thought. Now I love my girl but like me she's a pain in the ass. We are a lot. I know she has been mellow too mellow she hasn't been herself, but she still must have pissed you off a bit or are you just bowing down to all her wishes? Is she completely in charge of you guy's?"
"It's not like we don't discuss things and we don't compromise, but I've got a lot to make up for."
"So you are punishing yourself, trying to be perfect so she takes you back? How long do you think you'll be able to hold that performance?"
"What would you have me do?"
"I'm going to tell you what I told her on Sunday night, snap the fuck out of it. I know how much you fucked this all up believe me I know it all and not just the facts but I got to hear the tears you caused. And even knowing all that you can't punish yourself forever, that unevenness will destroy you again. You want a proper relationship with her you can't be walking around pretending your needs don't count, it's time that you both finish laying this all out on the table and deciding on how you guy's are going to move forward as a couple."
"Val you are telling me to fight with her when I don't even know if she wants to be with me, I could lose her."
"Dylan if you never fight with her you will either lose her or yourself in this relationship. You start the way you mean to finish. Meaning you want honesty, mutual respect, good communication, love, passion, trust, commitment when you guy's are surrounded by my great grand niece's and nephew's then you have to start doing that from the get go."
"Even if I lose her?"
"Dylan are you planning on walking around forever with the anger of her not going straight to you when she found out about Art? You going to let that fester between you two?"
"I could tell her when we are back on track when she's forgiven me for not being honest…" I hold my own palm out to stop the obvious remark that's coming from her, "I hear it."
"Good." She stands, "I should go visit Iris give you some time to think after you put Art down for his nap. I'll be back before you need to head to campus so I can take care of my nephew for the afternoon."
With that she leaves me to think.
When I walk in the house I'm exhausted and uncomfortable, I lost track of time before rehearsal and didn't get a chance to express, and then Roy wanted to cover accents and how to make them natural in a performance. It turned into a longer rehearsal than planned and had made me miss dinner here, thank god Steve was hungry after playing basketball with his Keg brothers we immediately stopped for the healthiest takeaway he could find. As I walk in I see Val on the couch playing with Art she looks at me and gives me a nod. She listened to me last night, pushed back on me a lot, she really tried to get my head clear, through it all though I knew she didn't agree with me running but she also wouldn't deny me, she'd support me through anything. "You look less than hot babe."
"Thank you that's exactly what I needed to hear."
"If your best friend can't tell you who can?" I roll my eyes as I pick up my son and say hello. I look around the house, "Erica is in the shower and Dylan was just about to give Art his bottle but got a call from some guy called Frank, he's in your guy's study talking."
"How is he?" She raises an eyebrow. "Even pissed I-"
"You were worried?" I close my eyes his tone is off, it's too neutral. "Nice to see you home."
"Dylan." I don't want to get into this, "I'm going to put Art down." Val gives me a look clearly indicating that I'm a chicken and then waves goodnight to Art. I turn to Dylan and bring Art to him, he tries to catch my eyes but I avoid it, he sighs and kisses Art's head.
After I've feed Art, I go into my room to make myself human again, and as I open the door to go to Erica's room to tuck her in I'm faced with Dylan leaning against the wall waiting for me. I'm startled by him being there and it gives him the in to catch my eyes. "She's waiting for you to tuck her in." I nod and move to Erica.
Ten minutes later as I come out of Erica's room I find Dylan still in the hallway but this time he is holding my leather jacket. He walks over to me and takes my hand, "come on Val's babysitting and we need to talk."
I let him lead me down the hallway only because I don't want to be too loud near the kids doors. "Dylan not tonight, I'm tired and I just need some time to sort out what I'm feeling."
He keeps walking and guiding me through the main room where Val is surprisingly not located. "I'm tired as well, I was up all night hoping you'd change your mind and come home. Brenda I'm not sitting through another night of whatever is not being said." When he opens the front door I'm surprised the Porsche is out of the garage and by the door. He clearly planned this wanting a quick exit.
"Dylan-"
He cuts me off and opens the passenger door. "Brenda please get in the car." His tone is one I haven't heard since I wanted to write an article for The Blaze. It's that tone that gets me in the car with Dylan passing me my jacket before he closes my door.
He drives us to a familiar carpark by the beach, we are silent the whole way.
Once he's parked in the empty carpark and his seat belt is off he turns to me.
"What happened yesterday?"
"Do we need to do this here?" He was so heartbroken when I broke up with him, and if I thought listening to REM brought back the emotions being here made it feel like there was four of us in the car. I could feel the ghost of that boyfriend who was so in love with me.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I've broken your heart, in senior year I broke it and in sophomore year this is the place where you broke mine." He pauses, "what happened yesterday?"
If he thinks we are even then fuck him. "I found out you still can't tell me the truth."
"I offered you all of the truth you didn't want the details."
"So it's my fault? Sorry I assumed when you said it was over after that summer and that nothing happened till we broke up that you weren't lying. My apologies for not understanding that I needed to be specific, should I have given you a calendar to mark off all your nothings or would you have preferred a survey- did I screw her no, did I kiss her no, did I have secret rendezvous yes, did I let her flirt with me yes, did I tell her to stop I have a girlfriend no-"
"Nothing happened, I didn't touch her. Didn't offer her anything, didn't give her hope-"
"You letting her in the fucking door gave her hope."
"Not in my eyes I didn't see it like that."
"And that's the problem we have different ideas of what the truth is-"
"Yes we do. Tell me when your girlfriend says it didn't amount to much about her summer fling is she referencing the it was meaningless or that she was just to late to get the taxi to run away with him? I mean should I have clarified that with my own survey?"
"As if you were going to ask questions back then you were too damn busy looking hurt and trying to avoid answering if you were looking at the same moon with someone else. Funny thing was you were, my best friend on the beach all night holding her- how fucking romantic. Please though compare my three days and an impulsive decision to run away, talk to him, I honestly don't know what I was hoping for with that taxi it wasn't like I had anything packed, but compare that against your weeks of infidelity."
"I don't need to compare I know mine was worse like different universe worse, I haven't shied away from that I've been honest." He pauses and takes a moment to calm. "Look like you I dropped parts. Whether because we felt they were irrelevant or because they are just more examples of betrayal I don't know but they were dropped. Would you like the details now?" I take a moment and then shake my head, I don't care what was said it's the fact that it happened that any of it happened, that it happened with her. "Okay then do you want to tell me what this is really about?"
I snap. "Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't you have gone to one of the other hundred girls who check you out daily, why did it have to be my best friend that summer? Even if she was tempting you and the friendship was creating feelings why couldn't you find someone else to distract you, why couldn't you have run off to Baja, why couldn't you have found some way to not touch my best friend? Why did you have to destroy all my friendships here?"
"I don't know. And I'm not lying I don't know, it was just going to be a kiss and then David saw it and all of a sudden it's out of control, and I'm not talking about it being passionate it was just like when I use to fall off the wagon. I'd say it's just a sip and then I'd say well I've started drinking again what's the difference between a sip and the whole bottle the sobriety is broken either way."
"The difference was I lost everything, I lost you, I lost her and I lost my friends. You drinking that bottle made me completely alone, if Brandon and Steve hadn't been there that afternoon if you and her had gotten to them first I would have been, I know I would have been."
"I can only say sorry, I can't go back and fix this, I can't go back and get a do over. If I could I would, if I could go back to that night on my couch when you were wearing a red sweater and I was desperate for you to stay and not suggest Baja I would. Maybe then we wouldn't have pissed off your parents, maybe then I would still be accepted, maybe then that summer with your friends gone we could have had everyday together every day of just us. That's what I wanted then and now just you and me together."
I take a moment, I know he is being honest with me. "I'm angry, I didn't realise I was or how much. I'm angry at you and I know it can't be fixed I just need to work through it." I can hear the shame in my voice and the fact I'm looking down not able to meet his eyes, I'm embarrassed that it's still there.
"Can I tell you something?" I nod. "I'm angry at you." I look up and meet his eye's. "I'm angry you took away my right to know, I'm angry that you didn't phone me within hours and tell me that you were pregnant. I'm angry that you decided that Kelly and my grief needed me more than you, more than my son. I'm angry I lost so many moments, I'm angry that other people sat where I should have sat, helped you make decisions that were ours to make, I'm angry that there is nothing I can do to change it but I just need to work through it." Shit, I had tried so hard to make that better for him to understand.
My voice is weak. "What do we do?"
"In AA we just talk about it, what we are feeling we give it air to breathe and hopefully dissipate. Bren some of my hurts from my parents from my substance abuse day's are like an echo, randomly they vibrate through my body even when I'm not aware they still have power over me, stupid things can trigger them. The hurt I caused you and the decision you made that led to moments lost forever, I think they may be like that. The echoes lessen over time but I'm not sure if those experiences-"
I shake my head and realise I know what he is saying, "they are permanent scabs they are never completely healed over they make you different." He nods. "If you can't fix mine and I can't fix yours, what do we do just talk about it? You tell me when you are feeling mad at me and I do what with that?"
"Just hear me out and I hear you out."
"Do we apologise try and explain?"
"If we need that otherwise it's just acknowledging that our poor choices hurt the other."
"And if we need space?"
"We have a big house we just accept the other person needs time to be lost in their emotions and trust they'll seek the other out when space is the last thing wanted, but no running. I ran from that wedding which made this worse and you ran to Minnesota which made me knowing worse. Last night you running with Art, I know he's safe I know if he needed me you'd call but you running with him, if I had run with him if I denied you a say in our son's life…" the question is left unasked.
"Yeah you'd be in trouble. I get it I'm just used to being his-"
"Permanent parent? Because you were there from the start?" I didn't even know that my subconscious was still in January mode before we agreed to live together permanently. I won't deny the accusation he's right, I nod. His hurt is evident, "you made that decision and then fate made it stick, I'm denied because I was was denied-"
His tone was back to us on that porch fighting over the article. "It won't happen again, I'm sorry I didn't think through if I'd be okay if you were to do it too. I didn't think why I thought it would be fine for me but that I'd find it not okay for you."
His only response that he heard me is a nod while he squeezes the steering wheel.
The silence between us stretches on while we digest everything.
"Why here?"
He sighs, "did I ever hold that summer against you? Once we were back together did I ever make you feel you needed to repay me for leaving me and deciding to stay gone when my life blew up? I know I was invited into your home but I wanted your love to get through that, I wanted to know I had something in this world that was mine that I could count on. You couldn't give me that even when I begged for you to come back. Did I, once we were back together, did I ever make you feel you weren't forgiven for that for needing that time?"
"No, on the lookout when you said that if it got me there it was worth it, that's how you always made me feel. That us being together that it was worth it."
"Look at our life since that summer we've both lost so much but we've also gained Art, Erica, Iris and Steve, are they worth the pain to you? Is our family, our home and the life we are building worth that pain?"
My answer is out in less than a nanosecond, "Yes." It's not even a question my kids, my brother, our family I'd die to protect them.
"That's how I feel too." He picks up my hand and squeezes it. "Then you work through your anger and I'll work through mine but those actions need to stop being put between us we can't keep-"
It was me I was doing this, I can own that. "I think you mean I can't keep putting those actions between us."
"I put them there also I replay them in my head often, I haven't forgiven myself but I need to because I want to be completely there with you, I want to not keep thinking how could I have made these choices. I need to move on from my mistakes."
I sigh this all seems big I don't even know where we both start on this. "What are you thinking?"
"That I don't even know where to begin."
He smiles at me, "knowing this all of it, you don't want to walk away let us go?" I shake my head, his smile gets bigger and he surprises me by reaching up and rubbing the back of his fingers down my cheek. "Well then, we begin by going home and moving into our bedroom, tonight."
My eyes get bigger and my heart speeds up, "relax that will happen like the first time when we are both ready when it feels right, but we stopped sharing our room because of the hurt and sneaking into each other's is just a daily reminder of why we aren't there. That room being empty is a daily reminder of what has been between us. So are you ready to move forward and sleep in that big bed with me and share that room forever with me?"
I give him a curious look, "do I still get the largest portion of our walk-in wardrobe?"
He laughs, "as long as I still get to keep the air conditioning really low so you sleep close to me."
I pause on that and shake my head. "No keep the aircon as is, no more games right, no more limits from me, I'll sleep close because that's how we want to sleep."