Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Forty-Four: Okay

I meet Dylan on the lawn for our usual lunch break between lecture's, having arrived first he has already got our lunches all organised. "Hey how did it go with B?"

"Good, fine." He lifts his eyebrow wanting a better response than that, "Val will be disappointed as there was no yelling but I don't have it in me. I told him I'm hurt by him but it doesn't erase the amazing support he has given me over the last fourteen months. To yell at him for behaviour he clearly understands was wrong seems pointless."

"I think the yelling is to voice your hurt, not to bottle it up."

"It's Brandon he knows I'm hurt. He knows why. He knows the long term repercussions of his behaviour as he sat there through it, holding my hand watching the pain it caused me and still does. I'd be yelling to make myself feel better and it wouldn't accomplish that." I sigh, "I'm not talking to my parents, I'm unsure of where I stand with our friends or if we are still friends, we are unsure the motivations of two people in our lives that could have a significant impact on a child we love as if she is ours. I've got a big audition tomorrow with a famous director and we have school and business commitments on top of that. I've got no space in my life to drag something out and carry on as if he doesn't understand when I know he does. I have no energy to potentially damage or lose another important relationship in my life, a foundational one. You get that right?"

He gives me an understanding look but raises his last concern wanting to make sure that I'm not just compartmentalising again, "yeah I get that but the root cause of his behaviour still needs to be addressed."

"The root cause of this can't be unless you want me to relocate my wardrobe once again?" He grabs my hand as if the very action would stop that occurring that his hand would keep me with him.

"He wants us to break up?" His hurt and shock is clear.

"No he understands that from the moment we met we were inevitable, he just wants space for him in my life. I wasn't good with that in junior year but you and I are different now it's not like we are fighting for time with each other we live together."

"Yeah we live together and back then you lived with him." He looks uneasy, "I know you guy's are a package deal but as you said our lives are busy we don't get one on one time together very often…" He sighs and rubs his free hand through his hair, "you know I have always hated sharing you and I know I'm being selfish but we are just officially starting again I want to have time together not just with our kids as a family- though I do love that, but time just you and me. I love our brother but he needs to understand that you guy's are older now that our family, our kids, our relationship comes first and that just because you are still the most important person for him you have a different priority list."

I take a moment to process how concerned he is over this, it wasn't a reaction I was expecting. "Yes he's in a different life stage than we are but I don't think he expects to be number one in my life. He just wants some space-"

His frustration was evident in his tone, "we have family brunch every Sunday, he meets us for coffee twice a week on campus with Art, and he pops over to our house at least twice a week on top of that, I mean what more does he want?" He was really concerned by this like any time I'd give Brandon would take time away from him.

"Brandon's not going to open up to me during those times, he's pretty private about his emotions and insecurities. Look you know my parents wanted to be involved in every part of my life wanted a say-"

He grumbles, "they still do."

"For Brandon it was different. They trusted him to make the choices himself run his own life, when he did well he was congratulated when he didn't he was lectured. His confusion, doubts and challenges were not seen by them he was perfect to them, old reliable. I dealt with the stuff they didn't see I was there for him to vent to-"

"But you do that for me now and I do that for you, I just… I'm being selfish but I just got you back I haven't even got all of you back yet, I want this to be our time." It was clear this was really bothering him the fact that he might lose more time with me. I didn't know if it was the excitement of us getting back together and those expectations that he had made around that in his mind, the fact he was still fearful that I could change my mind, the prospect of me getting the play and being away from him for weeks, or that we had not connected physically but whatever it was he clearly wanted me to know he was not okay with me taking any more on.

His blatant honesty and willingness to express his own needs was something I had sorely missed between the two of us, seeing it helped reduce my own nervousness and made me feel more connected to him. Going off instinct I drop his hand and climb over into his lap, straddling his thighs but leaving somewhat of a respectful distance between our lower bodies for such a public setting. His eyes go large in surprise but it doesn't stop his hands from instantly finding purchase on my hips. I drape my hands over his shoulders and begin toying with the hair at the base of his neck. "You aren't being selfish you're being honest, you are supposed to talk to me about what you need and when you have concerns. I want you to always do that, I never want us to ever stop doing that like we did that summer." His hands grip me tighter pulling me slightly closer. "Let me try and find space in my life for my twin and me, but if you feel like it's getting too much, taking away from our kids, our family, from me and you, then I need you to be exactly like you were today honest about it. Don't ever let an annoyance or hurt fester between us okay?"

"Okay." He gets an apologetic look in his eyes, "you know I love you right more than anything else? I'm so in love with you that it makes me selfish." It's clear to me that he is a little embarrassed about being demanding, considering he has spent over three months catering to my emotions I imagine that this feels a little foreign to him. That he is making himself vulnerable for me to reject his voiced needs.

All I want to do is make him know that he isn't alone in this, that he isn't the only one who feels this way. "I know but I'm pretty selfish too when it comes to you. I'm selfish enough to want you to be selfish, to want you to be upset about potentially losing my time. I want you to want me to be around because I want you to be around me too. I like it when you are near me, I like the buzz our skin makes when we are touching. I like the fact that you are constantly finding ways to breathe me in… what was it you said to me months ago, that it gave you a heady feeling. I like that." As I was speaking his eyes got darker and I became more aware of my breathing. I move closer to him and rub my nose against his and whisper, "I like that every part of you wants, needs me because every part of me wants and needs you." I then lean a little further down and against his lips whisper, "I like that my lips and only my lips are your anchor." It wasn't planned but I was no longer thinking, I lean in and close the minuscule gap between us. It takes him less than a nanosecond to respond, he pulls me even closer and then moves one of his hands into my hair while his lips part mine to let his tongue taste me. I grip the hair at the back of his neck to both keep him close and to keep me grounded; the rush through my system, my heart pounding through my body making me feel like I could fly away if I don't secure myself to him.

We stop only when breathing becomes an issue an even then his lips can't leave me. He kisses all the way to my ear and then take's my earlobe into his mouth but before releasing it he lightly grazes his teeth against it it makes my breath catch. He then whispers, "I also said they were my anchor until I had a taste. Baby I've had a taste nothing is going to stop my lips being on you now."

I'm still gripping his hair trying to slow my heartbeat, "we have class in a minute, they'll need to relinquish their place for that."

"No. No class." It was almost a whine.

"This morning you said you were growing up and that meant going to class, I'd hate to be a bad influence on you." While I was speaking he had taken to kissing up and down my neck causing my voice to take on a breathy quality.

"Baby influence away I love your influence." Gently gripping my hair he comes back to my lips and pulls me into another overwhelming kiss. It was minutes later when sound registered again and I was I able to hear the subtle cough's of people walking past trying to remind us that we were in a public place, it was only then did I realise how we must look. I instantly bury my face in his neck in embarrassment while he rubs his hands up and down my spine lightly chuckling at my instant change in mood. "They'll soon get used to us."

I slightly shake my head in his neck and mumble, "we are adults, parents now we need to have some self-restraint."

"And we will, I promise not to try and expand our family in such a public space."

I instantly pull back to see if he is joking, from his expression I honestly can't tell. "Such a public space? Any public space."

He smiles and moves a piece of my hair behind my ear, "you should read my to do list I think you'll agree that my extensive public venues have been carefully picked."

I'm still unsure if he's joking but the word extensive makes me curious, "how long have you been working on this list for?"

"We met in October 1990 so-"

Picking up on the fact there may actually be some truth in this, I shake my head, "no."

He just nods his head and with a innocent smile says, "trust me, and remember Baby I'm rubbish at sharing you." Like that reassurance would clear away any doubts.

I shake my head, "come on Mr Shameless we have class."

As I move to get up his hands hold my hips again making me look at him, he gradually looses his playfulness and takes on a serious look. "Bren I just want to check, I don't want to push you or make you uncomfortable…" He looks uncertain, "I'm allowed to kiss you from now on right?"

His desire to go at my pace to ensure I was in control of this part of our relationship was clear, he also appeared a little nervous like this could be a once off. I didn't want him to ever be nervous about us. I smile and move my hands back into his hair and reach down and lay a gentle peck on his lips, "remember that need and want you are feeling, the one that requires me close to you it goes both ways." I peck his lips again, "I'd be very upset from now on if you didn't try and kiss me whenever the need strikes."

It was like putting a red cloth in front of a bull, he was instantly on my lips deepening our kiss again. I eventually come to my sense's and pull back, "Baby we have class."

He moves closer again and whispers against my lips, "not my fault the need struck." As he goes to kiss me again I can't help but smile into it, he responds with one of his own. He pulls back with a kiss on my nose, "I'll be good and let us go to class." As we stand and pack up and then begin the walk back to our lecture building we are quiet, that is until we make it to the foyer and then he pulls on my hand, I turn to him. "Baby will you go on a date with me on Saturday night?"

He looks so hopeful and I hate to do this to him, but with an apologetic look on my face I explain my decision to see if I can gather the girls for dinner at a restaurant on Saturday night to try and sort out where we stand. By the time we part company it's clear he is less than thrilled about the idea of losing time with me, of me going into another situation that raises old hurts and he is especially unsupportive of me spending time with Kelly.

My lecturer goes on about something but I'm not listening at all. I finally have my girl back without anymore secrets between us, I finally share a room with her a house a life, I'm finally allowed to kiss her and I don't ever want to stop, in less than twenty-four hours my dreams are all starting to come true, it's amazing and beyond scary. I'd break now, I'd break completely if this ended. The elation I felt on her agreeing to the move has gradually opened the floodgates and now my body is flooded with the intensity of my feelings for her. The intensity I felt for her from the start has seeped into every nerve and mixed with that primal feeling I felt when I first saw her with Art, the one that has grown everyday since when I see what an incredible mother to our children she is.

I know her and Brandon are a package deal, I get that I respect it but I just want this time to be about us. It's taken us so long to get back here I just want to have her to myself for a bit. Who was I kidding I want her to myself always but I know I'd have a better handle on that once I feel in my bones that we are forever. Her telling Erica that she'll be Mrs Brenda McKay gave me confirmation that she wanted it too but fate has hated me for so long, it has spent years finding ways to destroy me. I don't want to give it an in, I want to make sure that nothing can come between us. I know it's irrational, that I'm being selfish but I just need my girl to be near me she has always been able to calm me, been able to make me forget about everything else, make me feel grounded.

I'm the first out the door and am waiting by Bren's lecture room in under a minute. As she comes through the doorway she looks up and catches my eyes, within a second her brow crease's. As she comes up to me she lifts her hand and rubs it down my cheek, I close my eyes. "Hey what's going on in there?"

My first instinct is to just tell her I missed her that I love her, none of that would be a lie but that's not what's going on in my head. Honesty in everything, "I'm getting everything I want and it's scaring the shit out of me that fate will come in and destroy it."

"Okay." Her simple response makes me open my eyes.

"Okay?"

"Okay." She picks up my hand and begins to walk to the exit. "Let's go grab our son and head home, I'm thinking salmon for dinner unless you have a desire for something else?"

"No salmon is good."

"Great there is some in the freezer. Are you able to help me run through my scene this afternoon I need to prepare for tomorrow?"

I'm completely confused, "sure." When we are on the pathway to the daycare I ask again, "okay?"

She squeezes my hand and then wraps it around her so she is tucked into my side I pull her tighter, "okay. It's a lot of emotions in the space of a week in the space of a day, you are just trying to process it all. Add your history to that, our history and it's a lot. I'd say maybe I shouldn't have kissed you on top of all that but I couldn't not kiss you. You are just spinning a little Baby, you just need some of our normality to feel calm to feel in control again." She looks up at me then and teases, "but you aren't trying to run or hide so you are clearly doing better than me this week."

"Okay." I pull her tighter and kiss her forehead and then breathe her in. I love that she gets me that she can normalise my fears and then give me room to figure myself out. "I love you."

"I know."