Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.
Chapter Forty-Six: My Truth
I was waiting outside on the main campus street for Donna, she had offered to pick me up for dinner as she would be in the neighbourhood to collect the calendar proof from the photographer. Kelly had decided to drive separately. Since Tuesday it had been awkward to say the least, Brandon had cornered me on Wednesday to tell me of his disappointment that I had not intervened or at least checked that Brenda was okay after that first bathroom incident. He had been kind enough to not go through all the times in sophomore and junior year that Brenda had gone out of her way to make sure I felt included with the girls or the times that I know she had called him out for his insensitivity of me, it wasn't needed anyway I had been going through them enough over those twenty-four hours.
He had asked the simple question why. He wanted to know why someone so passionate about justice and doing what was right, for someone who had worked the school districts helpline, who had been trained to notice people struggling why had I chosen to say nothing, to not even just reach out to Brenda quietly or to let him know what I had heard. I had told him I didn't want to get involved that it was an awkward situation for everyone. He had shaken his head at that and said it was awkward for everyone except for one to that one person it had been crushing. Brandon had walked away then for the simple reason that he knew I was lying he knew that it wasn't the awkwardness that had stopped me. Valerie, their family friend from Buffalo had been right I had back then and even now liked the fact that the Spring Queen the Most Beautiful girl in the class of 1993 considered me one of her closest friends; so close that I had been invited to her mother's wedding at the end of junior year.
I remember sitting there hurt and embarrassed to have not got an invite. I hadn't expected to be a bridesmaid like the others but when I hadn't even been invited, when Kelly hadn't even clarified that she was sorry blaming it on it being a number's thing I had been crushed. To have found the invitation so close to the wedding, to have her clarify that we were friends that she wanted me at such an important family event, I had felt finally secure that I wasn't an imposter hanging out with the cool kids. When Dylan had started to confide in me about his writing to share his personal thoughts with me and wanting honest feedback I had felt like I was finally important that I had a place in the gang. I selfishly hadn't wanted to risk that, rock the boat for any of it and Brenda since breaking up with Dylan had become the destabiliser of us all.
Waiting for Dylan to choose had made siding with either girl problematic especially at that time Kelly had done nothing more than accept a date from a single guy. After he chose, and finding out that they had messed around that summer that we had been misled, for those days before Dylan's Dad's death it had been a minefield. Brandon and Steve had clearly sided with Brenda and David was of course with his sister leaving Donna and me in the middle. If she followed her boyfriend then the gang would be split if I followed Brandon then the gang would be split. It was the third week of February we were graduating at the end of May, I wanted to hold onto our group I wanted to stay being good friends with the most popular girl in our grade.
By the end of the second week after he had made his decision it became in Donna and my mind a redundant point, all of us were needed there to support Dylan. All of us were needed to stay together to help him through it, even Brenda had seen that. Choosing sides in that bathroom getting involved in between the two of them would have stirred the pot, Dylan would not have allowed Kelly to speak to Brenda that way especially as it was obvious to all that he still considered her his family. Saying anything to anyone, saying it to Brandon would have got back to Dylan. Saying it to Brenda would have meant that when she told Brandon he would know I could corroborate the event meaning if he did go off and tell Dylan I could be dragged into it. He didn't need that and we didn't need the relationship choosing to be stirred up again. Instead I had given Kelly advice to think about Dylan, the worst part of that was I had lumped Brenda in with Kelly like she needed to he included in that advice like she as well had been in the wrong. Valerie was right I had not wanted to call Kelly out myself I was afraid that she wouldn't take the criticism and decide our friendship wasn't worth it.
Having spent years being socially awkward my only companions being adults, I wasn't prepared to do that I wasn't going to call Kelly out. I had also been on the receiving end of Brenda's anger back in that drama class I really didn't think she needed me to fight her battles. Yes she was a little sad but I just thought that when Kelly pushed her too far she'd eventually snap out of it and be the confident Brenda she had been since arriving in Beverly Hills, the one who on day one had managed to befriend the most popular girl in our grade.
As Donna pulls up I climb into the car, "sorry I'm a few minutes late the photographer's directions were confusing."
"No problem it gave me some time to think, not that I haven't done enough of that this week."
"You too? I'm running over everything since getting off that plane, everything since finding out that they had lied to all of us. It was all such a mess and with me trying to help David to graduate early I just wanted to keep out of it. He was stressed enough with taking on so many classes and finding out that Mel had been cheating on Jackie, I didn't want to throw in me fighting with his sister on top of that. And then I think of Brenda over those last few months of school, she was skin and bones, pale, she was so quiet. I just kept thinking she'd realise he wasn't worth it and start dating the many guy's who had been interested in her since her arrival."
"You look at them now, how he's looked at her since January it's the same look he had in sophomore and junior year. Like she is his whole world."
"She is. David and I have had a few dinners up there before he and Dylan go to their Sunday night meeting, I thought as a kid my home life was ideal but I want to be adopted by them. Iris has joined us a couple of times as well and I don't think she see's the difference between them at all like he's her son and she is her daughter like they are naturally supposed to be together. My parents have never looked at David that way and Mel hasn't either."
"Nor do Brenda's parents."
"I think they do, I think that's been the problem from the start he wasn't ever going to be a high school only boyfriend. I look at that all now and wonder why did I think she'd just snap out of it and start dating someone else, forget he existed forget what he and Kelly did to her?"
"What do you think is going to happen tonight?"
"I don't know? Kelly came home last night saying that Brenda was excellent, I think that was her way of saying that she can't see her or Laura getting the part. Though one of them would then become the understudy, if Kelly does then that will be really weird for both of them especially if tonight goes bad. Nearly three weeks of almost daily rehearsals before four day's of show's, they'll be together the whole time."
"Do you think Kelly will just decline the understudy role if she gets it?"
"I don't think she has any big love for acting, she's always claimed that she'd be too scared on stage but I think if she drops out now it will look like-"
"She did it all just to hurt Brenda." Donna pauses and then gradually nods in agreement.
As we pull up at the restaurant I notice Dylan's or should I say Brenda and Dylan's Porsche but no red BMW, "Kelly doesn't look to be here yet."
"David knows he is responsible to force her out the door, he told me he'd drive her here himself if needed just to ensure she doesn't skip tonight."
As we walk in I tell the host we have a reservation under the name Walsh when she can't find it we try all our surnames when nothing works I use Dylan's. She smiles and leads us to the back of the restaurant onto the outdoor terrace that is covered in fairy lights. There is a handful of tables out here all spread out to give the illusion of privacy. When she sees us she stands, "hi is outdoors okay? Dylan organised the reservation for me as he knows all the LA restaurants better than me and I was struggling to find a nice place that could take the four of us tonight."
"It's lovely and outdoors is great." As we sit I continue, "sorry we are late we couldn't find the reservation..." she puts her head in her hand.
"Sorry he books everything under McKay I'm just used to it now." As the waiter approaches to get our drinks order she asks him if he could tell the host to add Walsh as well to the reservation, that the last member of our party may use that as well. As he is confirming that it won't be a problem a voice comes from behind him.
"No need I figured it out." Kelly looks uncomfortable as the waiter reaches down and pulls out her chair.
After greetings and drink orders are taken Brenda apologies again, "sorry for the confusion Dylan organised the booking I didn't even think-"
"Well he calls you a McKay often enough it's bound to get a little confusing on what your real name is." I look to Donna hoping she can decipher the sugary sweet tone she is using. She looks at me and slightly lifts her shoulders. We turn to Brenda who breathes out slightly through her nose.
It's clear that Brenda see's it as disingenuous but tries to joke it off, "yeah he does but I also write it a lot. Who knew Baby's required so many forms to be so regularly filled out." She pauses and looks around the balcony trying to look for a change in conversation direction, "Kelly are you okay on the terrace? The host said if we weren't there is a waiting list of people wanting to sit here instead so we can move inside if it's too cool out here."
"No I'm fine out here. I'm surprised that we are out here actually, I've come to this restaurant with Jackie before these are the most exclusive tables there is usually a months long waiting list to get a reservation for one." That time it was not so subtle there was clear inference that Brenda maybe showing off for us.
"Oh I didn't know that, Dylan has always just called the concierge at the Bel Age to make last minute reservations as they know what's available. Henry the hotel manager still has a lot of time for Dylan after he lived there for so long as a teenager, he and Iris actually took Art there a few weeks ago for breakfast while I was in class just so Henry could meet him." Brenda wasn't known to ramble but she was obviously a little uncomfortable and clearly not aware of the importance of our table.
Once the waiter came back with our drinks and placed them in front of us, he asked if we were ready to order. When he got to Brenda he lifted a piece of paper off the tray and handed it to her. "My apologies for not giving this to you sooner but this was the special menu the chef arranged tonight for you, please let me know if it requires any adjustments." Brenda went red and quickly read over the menu.
"Thank you it all sounds amazing and please thank the chef for me for making the adjustments."
"Of course Mrs McKay." The mumbled I'm going to kill him is heard only by us at the table once the waiter is out of earshot.
I'm shocked as I wasn't aware that her condition was still so regulated, "you are still on your restrictive diet?"
She turns slightly and gives me a grateful smile obviously awkward about requiring the alterations to be made, "yes my Doctor wanted me to maintain it until I'm officially given the all clear and then I can gradually introduce items again, though the diet has helped with my anaemia that I've struggled with for year's so I'll probably keep following it just not so strictly as I miss some foods. I was actually hoping to sneak a few contraband items tonight as I'm six day's from getting the all clear. It seems that won't be possible now. You guy's have to order some fabulous stuff though just so I can live vicariously through you."
"He orders your food for you that's not controlling at all." Kelly's sarcastic remark was quiet but not quiet enough to not be heard. Brenda had been pushing them off up until this point but obviously insulting Dylan was the line you don't cross.
"No not ordered most likely once the reservation was made he faxed over our diet need's and the chef made a menu accordingly. Dylan does that a lot when we eat out, he hates for me to have to struggle to find something appropriate and as he feels me getting better is the priority; he would have wanted to ensure no possible setback could be made. Being considerate of your partner isn't controlling it's actually sweet. The Mrs McKay is what he was going to get killed for as that means he placed that title on the request."
Donna decides then to jump in and asks if we would all like to see the calendar, I am vocal in my support while the other two just nod. Hopefully laughing at the guy's will defuse the situation. As Donna unseals the envelope and pulls out the proof she goes pale and her eyes dart to Brenda, "I'm so sorry we can have this changed. The photograph was just asked to choose the best pictures from the shoot."
Brenda looks baffled, "Donna you haven't even opened the calendar yet what's wrong?" She flips it over to face us, while all twelve guy's are on the cover the largest is Dylan. It must have been taken when he was getting set up as Art was not in it. Bren looks shocked, "Donna he'll hate that being the cover. Maybe if he was the same size as all the other guy's but oh my god the teasing from Brandon and Steve he'll get, that alone will make him want this changed."
"Okay I'll talk to the committee tomorrow and see what can be done, it's a good picture though."
"Thank you and yes it's a good picture but we all promised him in that kitchen that Art would cover his chest, hopefully he'll be okay of it being completely exposed." She gets an uncertain look.
As it's a CU calendar they have built it on the next school year, with the major school dates noted. Starting with August we flip through each picture and discuss whether the photographer has made the best choice or created a good layout. As we get to Dylan's October spread our food arrives. His picture thankfully includes Art but it's still a different look than the two others we've seen so far. Brenda notes she used the angry Dylan picture but makes no further comment. Dinner is spent looking through the pictures, laughing at Brandon's barely hidden hate, Steve's joy at showing off and at the chosen picture of David where he is nearly falling off the couch. By the time we are finished with our entrees I think that we maybe in the safe zone.
Donna has put the calendar away and is discussing what everyone's summer plans are, I discuss helping out on a research project one of my professors are running. Kelly has no clear plans but is thinking of helping Lucinda try and get funding for her documentary maybe through her dad. Donna has promised her parents at least a few weeks in Texas but then she wants to come back to California to spend time with David. Brenda say's they were hoping to spend a few weeks at the beach and then go to Europe with Iris and the kids.
Donna smiles and then teases, "beach do you mean you'll be spending a few weeks in Baja?"
"Maybe a long weekend but no we'll be in Malibu."
"Oh you guy's renting a house down there?"
I didn't mean for my question to make her uneasy, "something like that."
Kelly's response though is a little different, "Dylan certainly likes taking his women to Europe during summer. I hope you are prepared for his version of a holiday, sitting in small towns, drinking coffee and watching him flirt with the locals in languages he knows you don't speak. He's a real peach to travel with." Her tone held a note of bitterness.
"Kelly he's not that guy anymore."
She lifts her eyebrow and take's on a sarcastic expression, "sure he's not."
She sighs, "Kelly I wasn't around for most of your relationship but he has been honest and told me that he was a shit boyfriend to you. While I won't and can't justify his crappy behaviour and his unfair treatment of you, and you can gripe all you want about how he was while you were dating but I won't have you disrespect him about his behaviour now. He is a wonderful father and a loving partner to me, I'm sorry the latter wasn't your experience."
She shakes her head, "yeah I'm sure you are sorry. I mean you caused it but I'm sure you are sorry about it."
"What how did I make him a crap boyfriend? I wasn't even her-"
"There was no room for me to get any of the loving boyfriend, from the start you made it impossible for him to untie himself from you. He was supposed to choose and we promised to let him go but when he chose me you couldn't do that could you?"
"What, I didn't talk to him until he came to the house after his Dad died." Kelly just nods her head like her point was proven, "I didn't think our appalling cookie contract covered him watching his father pass away so tragically."
Kelly sounds flabbergasted, "you invited him to a place I wasn't able to follow. I was at his house all afternoon trying to support him while he searched for his mother across the globe, trying to keep those photographers out, and then you send your dad to bring him to you. You couldn't even come yourself or send Brandon to give him a chance to say no. No you send the only other father figure he's known after he just lost his father, how could he say no to that? And then you hold his hand throughout the funeral you don't even leave me a space to sit with him, you trap him between you and Brandon, and I'm left with this awkward greeting hours later at your house. That was my role, it was my hand he was supposed to reach for, it was me who was supposed to support him through that but you stole that. That afternoon you stole him and from then on I just became his bedmate his pretty arm candy. From that moment he never invited me into his life again, to be his support because you had reclaimed it even though it was no longer your place, even though it was meant for me. You just couldn't help yourself you swooped in, in less than two weeks into our relationship when we were just starting to get to know each other as partners and you stole him before we could bond, you stole him when he was most vulnerable when he was traumatised. It was disgusting and low. After that I could never break that connection again because you became his Saint Brenda and I became the awkward girlfriend who didn't have the skills to help him through his loss, the girlfriend who didn't understand him, who was never going to understand him. For weeks after you still couldn't relinquish even a bit of your hold, you gave me no space to help him you had taken it all, he wouldn't even touch me after that. It was only when I got sick did he turn to me again but then I became the thing he broke his burden to pacify and fix, I wasn't treated like his partner, I wasn't told things, I wasn't able to read his writings."
She gets a look of complete hurt, "I know he has told you everything I know there is nothing that he left special between us, nothing that he thought I could keep of us to hold onto, to maybe give me some hope that it had meant something, that I had meant something." She pauses and her voice is quieter but still full of hurt, "you know I had a breakdown after the senior pictures, I told him to go back to you. Having only parts of him was horrible, nothing I could do could gain that place you had stolen from me. I thought he would put me out of my misery but instead he told me that because we had crappy upbringings that we understood each other that I was his soulmate, he couldn't even pretend to say he loved me he couldn't even make it a proper romantic gesture, he couldn't even come and kneel down in front of me to hold my hands so I could try and find the truth in his eyes, but it gave me hope that he thought we were special. When he gave me those chapters to read I thought maybe he was just bad at sharing his feelings maybe he felt so much for me that he couldn't say it out loud." She bites her lip and shakes her head and then stares at Brenda, "have you read it?" Brenda shakes her head no. She nods and then looks at me, "you have though."
"Yeah it's very sweet."
"It is, it's very sweet beautiful actually and besides the explanations of what we share in common addiction, abandonment, absent fathers, and being judged for an image, none of the rest is about me." In my peripheral I see Brenda bow her head like she understands something the rest of us don't, "he describes being so close that we didn't need words to get the other- there was nothing but word's usually spoken loudly with disappointment ringing through. He describes how just me being there helped him through the most difficult times, that my presence made all the difference but I wasn't there I wasn't there from the moment you commanded he come to you."
The look of betrayal she aims at Brenda is intense, "you sent your friend to attack me the other day, publicly shame me for all my sins. Make me look like I'm the jealous, insensitive bully who just wanted to keep rubbing it in your face that I won. We were friends even through the choosing, we were friends enough for you to call me and tell me to send your apologies to him that night, that you were sorry you weren't allowed to go. You never wondered why after that, after Jack's death that I changed why I was so angry at you? You just thought I won and now I needed to hurt you more?"
"I know Steve doesn't think much of me anymore he felt betrayed, he thinks I'm still that junior high girl who was catty and mean but I thought you knew I had moved past that. I thought you could see how I wasn't that girl who left you on that beach in sophomore year. I've tried so many times to get past what happened, to be the bigger person but every time you are around me you go out of your way to rub in the fact that you have him, that he is perfect for you, that you've given him his perfect family, his perfect life, that you understand him more. You've made me the villain and have never wondered what happened why I struggled to be friends with you. You never wondered what it was like to be so in love with the man of your dreams and then to finally get your chance with him, but from the start being made to watch, told that it's off limits to question, that I had to just accept that he would emotionally be cheating on me daily with you. Even after he choose me I was still made to be the other woman that I wasn't enough for him that I wasn't good enough. He could have sex with me laugh with me but only Brenda had the brains had the understanding for him to be equals with."
She wipes the tears that had escaped down her face, "I may have wronged you and stolen a few weeks that summer with some stolen kisses but you stole my whole nine month relationship, you stole him emotionally from the start, and you couldn't even do it discreetly I was forced to watch your affair everyday or see the ongoing proof of it on his phone bills. Tell me Brenda if he had chosen you that February would you have been able to accept me being that close to him? Would you have been okay for him to stay at my house, hold my hand at such an important moment, would you have sat quietly through a dinner when I told him to remember my house would always be his home?"