Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.

Chapter Sixty-One: Go with your Gut

As we were walking along looking at the famous stars on the Hollywood Boulevard I saw Brandon move closer to Val. "Hi wife-"

She sighed in exasperation at his sweet tone, "husband what did you do?"

"What makes you think I did anything?" I don't need to be a geniuses to know Val was staring down my brother- fool you don't use that level of the sweet tone out of no where, instant give away. My smug expression earns me a whack from my girl.

"You've made that same mistake more times than I care to count."

"Yes, but it's not me currently in the firing line so shhh Baby we are missing the performance." She snorts in laughter but doesn't say anything more.

"You promised your grandma I'd be in Minnesota for the 4th without asking me?"

"Val you know my grandmother it wasn't exactly like she asked me a question it was more like an order. I was unable to say no."

"And why husband would your grandma think you are my social secretary that controls my calendar?"

"Ummm we may have been discussing you and me." Bren and I both lean a little closer on this one, this is getting good.

"The you and me we are still uncertain of?"

"Grandma would like us both in Minnesota for the 4th- she wants the whole family there. She is less uncertain of us." Oh no! Abort mission, abort mission. You can not make a move now because your grandma told you to.

Bren groans next to me, "I blame myself, he is emotionally stunted. I'm going put an end to this before he swallows his whole foot. Can you explain to your idiot brother what he did wrong?"

I chuckle, "of course." I grab Art from Bren's arms. "Come on little guy it's never to early to learn how not to be an idiot with the girl you like."

Bren interrupts Val's glare and B's look of confusion by asking Val for help rounding up the children- Lottie, Erica and Steve, as we should really go to the next attraction. Once they were gone I moved over to my brother. "What did I do?"

"Jones you were inviting… well telling her she had to go to Minnesota because your grandma thinks you should be together. You weren't saying that you should be together on the 4th because you like her so much that it's worth the risk to your friendship, or better yet there is no risk to your friendship because you see this as something potentially life changing. No you were telling her your grandma told you to, like it was some chore, a job on the to-do-list."

He groans, "that's not what I meant. I was just saying we had to go on the 4th I was not making a decision on us."

"Yes but that's how it was coming out." I squeeze his shoulder in sympathy. "Your usual innocent boy next door, never been in real love charm doesn't work on her. She knows you too well. She also doesn't think you are perfect. You are going to have to lift your game if you want her."

"The boy next door charm is my game."

"Well learn a new one as Bren and I won't be around to save you every time you put your foot in it."

"Is that what you did with my sister, improved your game?"

"No your sister did not find my usual moves at all amusing. By the end of our first date, well the non-date she says it was, I had thrown out my whole playbook and gone for complete honesty and instinct- just what felt right and natural. Pretty much what we have been like ever since. No game at all."

He runs his hand through his hair, a clear sign he was stressed- he wouldn't usually touch his styled do. "Yeah well I'm ignoring my instinct and trying not to mess this, us up. She's too important to me, to our family, for me to be an idiot."

"Jones, maybe that's the problem. You seem to do fine when you don't put too much thought into it, maybe stop trying to control the situation and worry about doing it perfectly just go with your gut."

"Go with your gut? Is that the love advice you'll tell my nephew here?" Brandon reaches over and tickle's my son who is drooling all over his teething ring. Art squirms in my arms trying to get away from his Uncles attack and then buries his head in my neck for protection. Fuck, I love being a dad! I hold my little guy tighter and laughing pull him away from the tickle monster.

"Look man it's the best advice I have. When I didn't go with my gut I messed up that summer. When I didn't go with my gut I dragged out making a decision, making my life and my mistakes worse. When I didn't go with my gut I missed every doctor's appointment, I missed watching my woman grow our child, I missed holding her hand during the birth, my son's first few months, his first Christmas, and let's not even discuss what impact that had on health- potentially her life…" I sigh, "look you better believe I'm telling my son to always go with his gut. Everything else can be tainted with fear and too much reasoning, second guessing. Your gut tells you when you're going down the wrong path."

I can see from his look that he is appraising me, either for sincerity or concern about how quickly these emotion can rise to the surface; they are always there. "Okay point made."

Trying to bring this conversation back into focus it's about him not me, "do you know what your gut is telling you?"

He shakes his head, "yeah."

I lightly slap my arm on his shoulder, "okay then. I won't ask as Val would kill me in my sleep if I knew before her."

He laughs at my serious tone, "that's my wife for you- scary as hell."

"Yeah I know, at least I'm used to living in fear. Between her and spending my life with her world domination partner, I'm used to the fear and adrenaline running through my system."

He laughs, "please you are still in training, you didn't grow up with them. Traumatic."

Bren had left for the theatre skipping out on our last destination of the Santa Monica Pier. It had been a full day touring around LA, and everyone was wrecked except the girls and Steve. The three of them were currently on their fourth turn on the dodgem cars. Art was on minute thirteen in the arms of his great grandmother Beevis and was now beginning to get fussy. I'd step in before he lost his marbles, with everyone exhausted a crying baby would not be a joy at this hour. Iris had taken Allan and Marjorie back up the hill to rest before they had to get ready for dinner with Jim and Cindy, and the rest of us were off to The Peach Pit for an early meal at the end of this ride. If all went to plan I would have everyone at home with Val and my mother looking after the kids just in time to make it down the hill for the rising of the curtain.

When Bren realised I was genuinely going to try and make all her performances she laughed and said I was being ridiculous, that if she made this into a career there would be no way that would be possible. I knew that it was highly unlikely that I could see every future performance but until it was impossible then I'd be there.

I liked watching her when she was on stage, I liked trying to find my girl up there, so far I could only see Maggie under those lights. I'm not sure why her talent surprises me so much even without training I could only see Laverne back in Sophomore year at The Pit. From the get go she could push Bren and all her facet's down to embrace a character. Maggie, Laverne, the Bren that wasn't heartbroken and worried for our unborn child. It was that thought that had been bouncing around my brain that afternoon as we explored everything related to Hollywood and the stars.

Our Minnesota family were taken with the idea of celebrity and movie making as a whole. It was something I was raised around, from famous child stars, actor parents of classmates, to the many famous faces that attended the parties that Jack threw. I was raised with a wealth that was often not even achievable at the A list level, celebrity therefore was not revered in my house hold. Listening to them today going over different actors body of work and private lives like they knew them personally had me thinking. Bren could be a star I could see that instantly when she walked on stage, she owned it. Even Brandon joked at opening night intermission about her gaining an Oscar one day.

Though it wasn't her potential celebrity that was concerning me. It wasn't that thought that had been playing on my mind all afternoon and night. My worry was that I knew Maggie wasn't my Bren, I knew Laverne was just a character but I wasn't capable of seeing the difference for those few months. At first I was capable of seeing that the breakup effected her but I hadn't seen the change's. I wasn't able to see that she was playing at being okay that she was in character, it was that difference that had got stuck in my head it was that ignorance that was bothering me.

Her performance had been another success and I had arrived home to a house that was completely still. Everyone even Val was asleep. My mother had waited up and then immediately returned to her cabin after informing me that the exploring of the day had tired everyone out. Brandon and Steve were back down the hill leaving once everyone went to bed, and Allan and Marjorie had got back from their dinner both physically exhausted from the day and emotionally drained from the evening- they had quickly retired for the evening as well.

When Bren walked in a little while later Art was sound asleep in his cot and I was sitting in my pyjama pants looking at the book Erica and her had made me. She walked up to me and ran her fingers through my hair taking note of the picture that I was staring at. "I was so disappointed that I wasn't awarded something that day at the Senior Polls. It was stupid and meaningless with everything I was going through but I was still upset. I didn't think most beautiful, fashionable, athletic, successful or any of that was up for grabs but I thought maybe the service one to the senior class. I had helped organise the senior buddies, the Christmas events for the elementary school, I had organised by myself the Pigskin Prom with money going to charity, and then donated my time weekly to the student office. It was stupid but I was devastated that day, even if by then I had pulled back from those activities."

I keep looking at the picture, "I didn't realise, you hid it really well. Those months you hid it all really well."

She picks up my tone and moves to kick off her shoes before climbing onto the bed with me. "Is this a night you need space?"

"No, I want you close…"

"There's a but there I can feel it."

"I can tell on stage that it's not you. My Bren is no where to be found, Laverne was nothing like my sophomore Bren…"

She realises why I'm looking at the first few months of her being pregnant, when she was still in LA being seen by me nearly everyday. Even then at that time I knew her body better than my own and I didn't see any of it- how? "I wasn't acting for those months. I wasn't putting on a character. You would have seen that, you would have read me as dis-genuine and you needed me to be real. You were going through a lot with the loss of Jack. You needed me to be stable. Remember you asked where all your stuff was after the funeral?" I nod, "it was in a box in the garage. I had made another box in me. It wasn't that strong at first and it would crack for Steve and Brandon but after I found out about Art it grew in strength, my heartbreak well as much as possible was hid in there. My worry for him could hide for a time in there too… well you know the story of the hand in the afternoon- that's when it couldn't be contained."

"Baby I wasn't in character I wasn't acting for you, I was just carrying it inside me. I was singular in my focus, not thinking as much as possible. Steve and me, we held him in. Brandon gave me strength, buffered the hardest parts when around everyone. You wouldn't have been able to tell." I look up at her in disbelief, I knew her I should have seen it. "Is this, what you are working through tonight, is it about how I hid it? Are you worried that I could hide other things? That I could be acting now? Because I can tell you anything you don't already know about that time. Fill in any blanks you have."

"No Baby. It's not about you… I'm not angry or upset at you, please know that. I'm angry at myself. I know you so well, I know your body so well. Watching you be someone else on that stage reinforces all the little bits of information I take for granted about how you move- even the smallest gesture the unconscious ones I can tell are different when Maggie does it. If I know you that well how didn't I suspect you were hiding anything? How didn't I suspect you were unwell even when I knew you were thinner in your arms and around your collarbone? I look at this baby bump at our Prom and I know no one could see it but I'm not no one. I'd spent hours, it's probably more likely in the days when you add them all up, kissing your body, my hands on you would be in the weeks. How… it was me, how did I not see? How did I let myself be so blind?"

"Hey don't, don't do that. You were going through a lot, I told you for months on that phone that you were lost. You were lost for a long time. Lost in your heartbreak, grief-"

"Anger. I was so angry at Jack, Jim, me and… you." I look at her and cover her hand with mine. "I'm sorry something about today just triggered this. I was talking about following your gut to Brandon. My gut didn't tell me. My gut chose you always but it didn't tell me to look closer after you found out about Art. It didn't tell me to get suspicious about how Steve and Brandon became your bodyguards. It didn't lead me to ask about your change in fashion, it didn't lead me to wonder why your chest got bigger or here in prom how your hip is slightly more curved. I notice everything about you but I didn't notice this life changing thing."

"Dylan, I didn't want you to notice. I didn't want anyone to notice. Those months from that park to getting on that plane I felt so small. My life… it was like we had been pieces on a board game I understood it I understood my place my part, what I had to do. I thought the choice was just a chance card decide to move piece's mess up the order reset the game. I didn't know… I wasn't prepared for the board to be thrown in the air and everyone else to land back on it and have a place, I wasn't prepared to be tossed to the floor- losing everything. Thankfully my brother's decided they wanted to start a new game with me, but it was smaller and very simple. After the night when I found out, as I was walking out of that hospital with them beside me my life needed to become even more smaller. Survival for him, for me and for you, that was all I was focused on. I wasn't playing a character or creating big drama at hiding a secret, I was just surviving. Surviving meant becoming small- I no longer was as vocal, I didn't go out as much, I wasn't in the centre. I became hard to see."

"And that's what I should have seen. You were still like that when you came back. Val verbally pushed it out of you but how did I not see it back then even when I'm lost I should have seen you, I should have seen you needed me. My gut should have told me, there was so many warning signals if you knew you, and I did, I knew you better than anyone." She shrugs her shoulders, she can't answer that. "I'm sorry. Tonight I don't know what happened, you don't need this after another amazing performance."

"There is nothing to be sorry about. We made a promise in the car to work through all of these emotions, these echoes. You just got hit by one tonight. And I always need this, I always need you to be honest with me." She runs her fingers down my cheek, "Baby what do you need? How can I help?"

I breathe out, I need to shake off this self loathing. "Go have your shower and then come lay beside me. Like every night I want you close but tonight I think I'm going to be even more clingy."

She smiles and stands up from the bed, "or Mr Clingy you can come sit in the bathroom while I shower and I can tell you about the first time I couldn't feel your son move and how I panicked. Before you worry it wasn't a bad thing I had just grown used to him using my bladder as a trampoline and he had moved a little. In his new sleeping position his movements weren't so jarring." I got up and took her hand walking behind her into the bathroom.

"What did you do?"

"In my panic I didn't think to just go downstairs and ask grandma so instead I annoyed him so he would wake up."

I laugh, "if you were living at your grandmas it would have been at least near the end of your second trimester and into your third. How do you annoy our son to wake him up in your womb?" As I'm speaking she gets unchanged and starts the shower- she is back moving like my Bren.

"Well I didn't have juice- well downstairs I did but I wasn't thinking so I poked him."

"You pocked him?"

"It's a thing." I give her a sceptical look through the shower glass. "Hey I know you are all into reading the baby books but you will see when you read the pregnancy books for our next one that it's an actual method of checking your baby is okay."

"Poking is a medical method that is recommended?"

"Or juice, a snack, jiggle… some say jumping jacks but no I was high risk enough I did not need to tempt fate that way."

"Wait one was jiggling? You with your big baby belly jiggling. That's the one we should use next time." She picks up on my humour at the image.

"If you want four more, you will not make fun now or when I'm actually pregnant of my movements."

"At least four more." She switches off the taps and wraps the towel around her. I watch as she dries down not even considering averting my eyes to give her privacy. It feels so natural now to share everything with her, to share the everyday intimacies. When she is done she moves over to the sink to brush her teeth and it's then I walk behind her and wrap my arms around her waist. "Baby can I ask one question I'm always been dying to know?" She nods, "did you waddle all the time?"

"McKay what did I just say?"

"Come on if you are waddling carrying our child I'm commenting on that. It would look adorable."

"I'm going to be your wife, I practically am your wife, I don't want to look adorable to you."

"You have a mouth full of toothpaste and your brush shoved into the side of cheek as you say that- baby you are adorable."

"Out, get out, you're spoiling it. It's my bathroom time." I'm full belly laughing as she pushes me out the door of the bathroom.

When she climbs into our bed a few minutes later I pull her practically on top of me and immediately kiss her lips. I was feeling all out of sorts this evening and twenty minutes with her I have aired it out and am back feeling on-top of the world. She's soothes me in ways I don't even know.

As I roll her over to lay on her back I lift her shirt off her, I need to feel her. "I thought I was adorable?"

"You were in there but that will never change the fact that you are the sexiest," I kiss her exposed collarbone, "most beautiful," I kiss just above her belly button, "fucking delicious," I run my tongue above the top of her pyjama pants, "woman in the world."

She smiles, "I'm guessing the echo has past?" I nod as I continue to help her get comfortable for bed by removing her pyjamas. "I thought you just wanted to be clingy and hold me?"

"We will get to that but my gut is telling me that I need something more first…"