A little more back story... :) probably not the chapter you wanted, but necessary. Thanks for reading! :3

7
- to build a home -

Our marriage wasn't perfect—I could admit that.

But whose marriage was?

Both of our jobs were demanding of time and energy in different ways.

Edward always had to be "on."

I preferred to blend into the background and work alone.

He didn't have as much flexibility in his career as I did, so sometimes that caused a strain. And sometimes photography jobs would keep me away for a week, maybe two, which also created challenges.

Our sex life wasn't lacking, but our busy schedules kept us preoccupied. We weren't passionless, but inevitably, those flames flicker and fade a little over time.

And then six years after we got married, we tried for a baby.

That kind of killed things for a while, too.

An entire year booking clients around my most fertile time.

Scheduled sex.

Peeing on ovulation and pregnancy sticks.

Happy faces blinked back at me saying I was fertile, only to receive negative tests weeks later.

It was exhausting.

Monotonous.

I didn't necessarily need to have a kid. The curiosity was there for both of us, but we both agreed it wasn't an integral part of our relationship.

If I was being honest, being a mom scared me. I didn't have a good role model for my own mother. I didn't have loving, supportive parents to look up to. They didn't make parenthood seem fun or easy.

They made it seem like a task.

A chore.

Sometimes, they made me feel like a burden.

If Edward wanted babies, though, I'd do it for him. I would. Knowing I'd be parenting with him made the idea less daunting. And I knew without a doubt I'd love our baby.

It just felt like the next step rather than a want or a need. A natural progression of our lives.

But I was happy with Edward. Happy with my career. I loved our life and our freedom.

What didn't make me happy was feeling like a failure.

What didn't make me happy was the struggle of trying for a baby.

Nearly a year into trying, I was away shooting an elopement in Joshua Tree. Edward and I were talking on the phone before going to bed like we did every night I spent away from him.

I was venting to him about clients. About being stressed. I whined about missing him so, so much because we'd been apart for almost two weeks.

I'd gone from shooting a wedding in Colorado to flying into LA to capture content for a local clothing company. The day before I was supposed to fly out, a friend from college who lived there connected with me and asked if I wanted to co-teach a three-day photography workshop with her. So, I extended my stay. Instead of flying home for two days, I stayed in LA because I had to be back in Joshua Tree for the elopement.

"Maybe you should cut back on how many jobs you're taking," Edward suggested over the phone.

"Why?"

"You said you're stressed and you miss being home. It makes sense to me."

"I mean, yeah, I guess. More than missing being home, I miss you, so maybe you could cut back your hours and come with me on jobs sometimes," I told him.

"Podcasting on the road? Not likely. They need me in the studio."

"Okay," I said, not hiding my irritation.

The line was silent.

"What?" he pushed.

"It's unfair that the solution is for me to stop working as much."

He laughed once. "Your job is flexible. You choose how often you work. I'm on a daily podcast. There's always a sport to cover. So, no, I don't think that's unfair of me."

I stayed quiet. Contemplative.

My period was a few days late. I was waiting to take the test because… I don't know. I didn't want the rejection of seeing a negative sign and was unsure I wanted it to be positive because everything would change. And that was daunting.

So I kept both of us in the dark a little bit longer.

"So, what will happen if we have a baby?" I asked. "I'd be the one to stay home, to have everything change?"

"You think my life wouldn't change?" he asked rhetorically, and I could picture his face as he said it. Brows furrowed. Eyes narrowed and confused. "You wouldn't have to stay home. Not unless you want to."

"I don't want to. Not all the time. I love my job."

"You just spent the last thirty minutes complaining to me about it," he pointed out.

"I'm just venting," I said defensively. "That doesn't mean I don't love it. I mean, I can vent about you sometimes, too, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."

"What do you vent about me?" he asked, offended. "And to who?"

Mostly Allie because she can keep me in check since she's his sister. She listens and offers neutral support, but she doesn't goad me on with my complaining as any other friend would.

"No one. Nothing. I'm just saying if I did, it wouldn't be a bigger thing. Sometimes things just… are," I told him vaguely.

"Okay, well… I'm not telling you to quit your job and stay home if we have a kid. We can eventually do daycare or hire a nanny."

"My parents basically did that to me. Babysitters and nannies. They never wanted to spend time with me, and you know how strained it is with them," I reminded Edward.

Edward was polite and respectful whenever we had to see my parents, but he didn't like them. And that was fine because they weren't very likable.

My mother was a functioning alcoholic.

My father was a narcissistic asshole.

Together they made for neglectful, toxic parents.

I was surprised I turned out as well-rounded as I had, but was pretty sure that had to do with my late grandparents being a positive presence in my life. They supported my love for photography early on. Spent a lot of money sending me to classes and camps in my teens.

I'm sure my boost in self-esteem also had a lot to do with Edward and his family accepting me as their own once we met when I was twenty-three.

Despite the positive influences in my life, part of me never felt good enough, whole enough, normal enough for Edward. There was always that small seed of doubt that he'd wake up one day and realize he could do better. Be with someone who had a normal childhood and a normal family.

But day by day passed and we fell more in love.

And I also fell more in love with his family.

They were loyal and reliable.

Loving and supportive.

There was mutual respect between all of them.

They had no family secrets.

Not like mine.

When I was seven years old, I met my father's friend, Lynn, and her three-year-old daughter, Maggie. It started off as play-dates, which wasn't all that fun for me since Maggie was younger. Eventually, they came to dinner at our house every Sunday. My family never usually sat at the table when we ate, so having those dinners was one of the more normal things we did. I even started looking forward to those dinners.

That is until I caught my father kissing Lynn goodbye near the front door one night.

I was ten when I saw it, and confused. When I told my mom about it the next morning after my dad had gone to work, Renee stared at me for far too long. I thought she was going to cry… and then I thought she was going to get mad. Instead, she told me to stop being nosy and to not repeat what I saw to anyone.

It didn't take long to realize Lynn was his girlfriend. Didn't take long for Charlie to sometimes spend nights away from home.

What did take long to figure out was that Maggie was my half-sister.

I heard my parents drunkenly arguing one night, and I guess my mom already knew about everything the entire time. What I gathered from that fight was that my mom didn't care what my dad did as long as he didn't fully leave her, and still supported us so she wouldn't have to work.

My dad had a second family and my mom allowed it. Still does, I guess, since they stayed married.

It hurt at the time but I didn't even know why. Maybe if they tried to explain or be honest with me, I wouldn't have felt so ashamed. But they didn't say anything, so I was left feeling insecure and confused and trying to make sense of it on my own.

"It won't be the same with us," Edward reassured me on the phone. "Even if we have to get a nanny, we'll be involved parents. Great fucking parents, Bella. And if you don't want to hire anyone, I'm sure my mom and dad would love to help out if we need them."

"Yeah," I agreed. I knew Carlisle and Esme would be more than happy to support us in any way they could if we had a baby.

"You know Allie will help when she can, too," Edward added.

She and Ben had been trying for a baby as well and hadn't had luck either. But she wanted us to experience this together—sisters-in-law turned best friends and moms.

"Yeah," is all I said again.

"Why is this even coming up right now? Why are you worrying about this?" Edward asked. "You're not pregnant."

"Because we're trying? Because our time apart sucks and your solution was for me to cut back on my jobs," I reminded him, my tone still sour from his suggestion, even if he had a point.

"That's what makes the most sense, Bella. You're the one who is gone. So, don't be gone. Only do local jobs."

"I love traveling, too, and working with people all over."

"Okay." His tone was clipped now. "Then stop complaining about wanting to be home and missing me if you actually don't," he said, further pissing me off.

"Great solution," I said sarcastically.

"Well?"

"Yeah, you're right, I don't miss you at all."

He sighed. "Whatever. I'm tired. I'm gonna go."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously."

"So you make a shitty comment to me, then leave? Yeah, that's really cute, Edward."

"I have to be up early, and I don't really feel like dealing with this right now."

"Don't want to deal with talking about our future," I muttered, knowing it was irrational. "Got it."

"No, I don't want to keep offering solutions only for you to turn them down."

"Well, it doesn't make me feel good that you're telling me I don't miss you. That was unnecessary. Sorry, I don't like your solutions. Sorry, I'm not agreeing with every single plan you come up with. Sorry, I just want to like, talk this out without figuring it out completely. But you don't have to be an asshole about it."

He was quiet.

I waited for him to bite back with something.

But when he spoke, he was all softness, no teeth.

"You're right. I'm sorry, baby," he finally said, sighing. "I'm not trying to be an asshole with that comment. I just miss you so fucking much and I'm stressed out with work, but I shouldn't be taking it out on you."

Suddenly, he was calling me on FaceTime, and seeing how apologetic he looked eased my annoyance.

"I'm sorry, too," I said sincerely. "I think I'm just hungry. And being stupid."

"You're not stupid. And you know that I love how passionate you are about your career. It's one of my favorite things about you. But I miss you," he murmured.

He was shirtless in our bed, sitting up against the headboard. He looked so fucking cute, his hair all a mess, his eyes tired.

"You're not bored of me yet?" I asked, half serious, half kidding.

"Hell no. I'm selfish and want to keep you here more."

"I like that you want me around. It doesn't make you selfish," I countered.

"Oh, but I am, Bella. I'm a selfish, crazed man who's obsessed with you," he said lightly, but I could hear the truth in his words and see the affection on his face.

I smiled. "You did break up with your girlfriend after first meeting me eight years ago," I laughed. "Poor, poor Emily."

"Emma," he corrected.

"Ah. That's right. It's kind of funny, you didn't even know if I was single at the time," I pointed out. "Very bold of you."

He turned serious then. "Didn't matter. I knew what I wanted. And I would've waited for you. Hung around on the sidelines until you were single."

I couldn't stop laughing. "Shut up."

"Really. I would've gone broke and kept hiring you for jobs. New headshots, every week. I would've made you fall for me," he said assuredly. Confidently.

It was a hopelessly romantic idea. Intense, the way it had always been with us.

I fell a little more in love with him at that moment because I knew without a doubt he was telling the truth.

"Well, luckily you didn't have to go broke for me," I said softly.

"Luckily." His gaze grew heavy, mischievous. "Now show me your tits."

We touched ourselves over FaceTime, wishing we were together.

Afterward, we made compromises.

Promises.

He'd occasionally come with me on some of my weekend shoots.

I'd limit my jobs, so if I were gone, it'd only be for a week at a time, not two.

If we did have a baby, he agreed to cut his hours, too, or pre-record the podcast when they could.

We ended the call on a positive note.

I love you.

Love you, more.

In the morning, I boarded a plane to go back home to him.

And later that evening, I started my period.