If you're still here, thank you, thank you :3

23
- let it go -

"C'mon."

"Nooooo," I whine.

We're still in Edward's hotel bed. Sated in his sheets and lazy-limbed, tangled up in one another.

He peppers kisses along my bare shoulder. "Why not?"

"I want to stay here tonight."

"But the Ace Hotel is nicer," he points out. "We should go back."

"Yeah, 'cause this place is a real dump," I joke.

He laughs. I love it. Love that there's an ease present between us.

There's still so much we need to discuss and work out, but right now it feels like we can just be.

"Let's go get our money's worth." My stomach clenches in the best way from hearing him say our. "I paid out of pocket for the Ace Hotel."

I kiss along his sharp, sexy jaw. "I told you, I'd reimburse you. Do we still need to do your headshots, though? Or was that fake?"

"That was real, but it happened to work out in my favor," he says with a smug grin. "We can do them tomorrow before check-out. And you're not reimbursing me. I don't care about the money. Obviously."

"Then you shouldn't care about getting your money's worth tonight and going back to the Ace Hotel. Obviously."

I know we're not back to us yet, but right now it feels like we are with our banter and my playful pushback that he acts like he endures, but he actually loves. I know this because he pins me against the mattress and growls, nipping at my neck and then kissing it.

"How'd that work out anyway? Hiring me for the shoot?" I ask, staring up at him while he lies on top of me and settles between my legs.

"I knew I had to corner you, so I told some assistant I had a preferred photographer. I'm sure it seemed high maintenance of me, but she didn't ask questions and reached out to you. She said you were booked out for a while, but I told her to offer more money."

"And the fact that my last name is the same as yours didn't make her curious?" I ask.

He stares down at me, tenderly brushing my hair back. "Your website says Bella Marie photography, but there's no mention of Cullen anywhere. If she would've asked, I'd have just told her you were family and left it at that."

"I guess it's not a lie," I murmur.

"So, your last name is still Cullen, then?" he asks, and I sense an air of vulnerability in his deep voice.

"Yes," I instantly say. "I didn't change it. I didn't want to."

He dips his head to kiss me. "I wasn't sure."

I frown, wishing I could take so many things back.

Wishing I could take the last year back. Maybe even the last two.

I wish I would've recognized the self-sabotaging that was happening within me when it started to rear its ugly head.

Wish I would have sought out therapy years ago, before I ever met him, instead of letting my trauma and insecurities burrow within me, waiting for the perfect time to present themselves.

But I can't take anything back.

We can only move forward.

He's still here. Still loves me. Every broken part. Despite everything, he wants us to move forward. I know how fucking lucky I am that he does. I'll never spend a day taking him or his love for me for granted.

I whisper a confession: "I was so nervous when you walked into the studio earlier."

"You didn't act like it."

"I wanted to leave."

"Of course you did," he says morosely. "I would've chased your ass down the hallway, tossed you over my shoulder, and brought you back in, kicking and screaming."

Even if it's depressing, a small laugh escapes from me at the mental image. "Yeah, that wouldn't have raised any eyebrows."

"I wouldn't have given a shit what people would've thought."

I know he wouldn't have, and I love that about him. How confident and self-assured he is.

"Even if it was my first instinct, I didn't actually want to leave," I admit. "I'd been exercising flight instead of fight for a year now. It was all I knew."

"Are you ready to fight for us?" he asks seriously.

There's no doubt in my mind. "Yes. I wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't," I tell him with a lump in my throat. "Are you?"

"I've fucking been ready, Bell. And I wouldn't be here right now if I wasn't," he echoes. "It's not going to be easy."

"I don't expect it will be," I say honestly. "But I'll do whatever you want. Whatever you think needs to happen for us to heal."

He searches my face, then slowly grins. "Okay. Let's go back to the Ace Hotel."

I laugh. "Okay, but I won't do that."

"Why do you want to stay here so badly?" he asks, rolling off of me.

"Because this bed and these sheets already smell like you. Therefore, I love it the most, okay? Don't ruin this for me." I steal the pillow from behind my head and clutch it to my chest, inhaling it the way I wanted all along. "When you tossed me your shirt earlier, I wanted to smell it so bad. Or wear it."

I toss the pillow aside and he grins, all smug and happy. And I hope he is. Hope he feels whole and adored knowing that I'm a crazed person who gets high off his scent. And to really drive my point home, I pull the sheet over our heads, suffocating in him.

In our cave, I inhale exaggeratedly, jokingly, and say, "I could die happy here."

"You're a weirdo sometimes, you know that?" he asks with a laugh, squeezing my hip.

"I know I am, but don't ruin this for me," I say again, softer. "I've missed you. Your scent. Let me bask."

In the safe cocoon, he kisses me, deep and tender.

"Fine, I won't ruin it for you… I'll make it better."

He goes down on me again, licking languidly. I pull the sheet off our heads halfway through because it's hot and sticky and smells like sex.

After I come from his mouth, he lies behind me and slides into me with ease.

It's slower.

Sensual.

Intoxicating.

He rubs my clit for me and I come again, seconds before he does because he knows my body and he knows me and I was so fucking stupid for keeping us apart for so long.

But I can't think about that because I'll cry, and I don't want either of us to cry anymore.

Eventually, he gives in to me, allowing us to stay here for the night.

We shower together, sleepy and sudsy and sated, stealing so many kisses under the stream.

With damp hair, I slip into the white undershirt he wore earlier today, and he gives me a knowing smile.

"Already smells like you," I say, shrugging while he turns off the lights.

"Get over here, you," he says, crawling back into bed, lifting an arm for me to slide next to him, where I belong.

I bury my face against his bare chest and inhale while he holds me. "Ah. Right from the source," I tease.

He laughs so deeply, so happy, pressing a kiss to my temple.

We lie in the dark, relaxed. With my arm draped across his stomach, I clutch him close.

Now that things have calmed down, I'm exhausted. Bone-weary and ready for a full night of sleep with my husband by my side.

"When we were in the shower, I was thinking..." he prompts.

"Yeah? About what?"

"Well, everything. But can I ask you something?" he whispers, his fingers lightly trailing up and down my arm.

"Anything."

"Remember when we talked about not really trying for a baby anymore? We said if it happened, great. If not, no big deal."

I tilt my head to look up at him. "Yeah?"

His fingers still. "Did you mean that?"

I'm confused. "Yes, I meant that. I don't need a baby to be happy with you."

"Did you think I was lying to you, then? Do you think I need a baby to be happy with you?"

I'm not sure where he's going with this. "No. I didn't think you were lying to me."

"Then why'd you say you were insecure that we couldn't get pregnant? If you knew having a baby didn't matter to me?"

I'm not even sure how to answer that. Not even sure I ever fully thought it through.

"Because… I guess because you're you. I'm me. Does it make sense you're with someone who can't potentially give you absolutely everything you might ever want in life? Like a family?"

"I already have everything I want with you. You're my family, not some hypothetical kid who doesn't exist."

"I know," I mumble, swallowing back guilt for being so foolish. "Deep down I knew that. But it's like I couldn't let myself truly believe it. My dad stepped out on my mom over less—merely because he wanted to. My self-sabotaging brain convinced me if you truly had a reason, why wouldn't you do that to me, too?"

"Because I'm not a piece of shit," he says simply. "I'm loyal and I fucking love you more than anything. You're my life."

I hug him, burying my face in his chest to hide my burning eyes. "I know. I know. I love you, too. So fucking much. Even if I don't deserve you…" I whisper, my guilt becoming too much again.

"Don't say that."

"Well? It's true."

He shifts his body, pulling away so I can't hide my face and I have to look at him.

"No, it's not fucking true, Bella. I said for better or worse, and I meant that. Right now things aren't ideal, but I'm not going to break my vows and divorce you because of a blip in our marriage."

"A blip? A year, Edward. I was gone for a year, and—"

"In five years it won't matter. In ten, we won't even remember. In twenty, so many other good and bad things will overshadow that brief moment in time. In the scheme of things, this is nothing. And fuck anyone else who thinks otherwise. This is our life, not theirs. This is our choice to put in the work. I want you and I love you and we'll get through this."

His adamant, honest words reel me back in and I bask in this fierce truth. His reassurances offer protection and make me feel safe and loved. Secure. They remind me he's a good, good man. The best. And I do deserve him. Despite the blip. Despite our shared pain.

"I'll probably go back and forth for a while on whether or not I deserve a second chance," I warn him. "But I know we'll get through this. There's no other way." With a soft sigh, I settle against him once more. "So… couple's therapy?"

His mouth brushes my temple. "Yeah. Couple's therapy. And sex therapy, where I lock us in a room and make love to you to make up for lost time."

I close my eyes and smile at the idea. "I'm game."

"Good."

I squeeze him. Hold him. We relax. He yawns.

"Are you busy tomorrow?" he asks through a second yawn.

It's weird because as much as things feel normal, our lives aren't yet intertwined.

We don't know the day-to-day shit.

The boring, mundane details that make up our lives.

We'll get there, though. I know we will.

"Well… in the morning I'm taking headshots for this new, sexy as fuck ESPN anchor," I say, and even without looking at him, I know he's smiling. "And I have a quick shoot at three for some new restaurant, but nothing else. When do you start filming?"

"Not for another two weeks. Just have promo shit and some meetings before then." He slides his hand up under my shirt, gently rubbing my lower back. "I want you to go with me to dinner with Allie and Jasper tomorrow night. Will you come? Or is it too soon?"

I open my eyes and look at him.

"Not too soon." I kiss him. "When you told me about your plans to meet them tomorrow, I felt left out. I was wanting to go even though nothing was solved between us yet."

"I thought you might feel that way," he softly admits.

"Oh yeah?"

"Cool," he echoes, mimicking the lone word and clipped tone I used earlier when he told me about dinner with his sister.

I laugh. "I'm so obvious, huh?"

"Eh. Not really," he says, his tone more melancholy now.

My heart clenches with regret. I get it, though. Maybe I'm not as obvious as I think. I spent more than a year away from him, secretly loving him all the while making him assume I didn't.

I wasn't lying when I said I'd never forgive myself for that. I just hope he meant it when he said he does forgive me.

I fiercely kiss him, hoping he can feel my adoration behind my embrace. "I'm sorry," I whisper. He just shakes his head, not wanting to get into it anymore. "What are we going to tell Allie?" I wonder.

"The truth," he says simply.

I blanch at the idea of her—or anyone, for that matter—knowing about Maria. "Not the whole truth… right?"

He shakes his head, catching on and respecting our privacy. "Okay. We'll make it more palatable—the edited truth."

"I can deal with that. But what's that entail? That I'm done being an idiot and I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you?"

"You're not an idiot," he murmurs sincerely. "As for the rest…" He brushes my cheek, his eyes sparking with want and affection. "Just having you with me again is enough. I don't need anything else."