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29
- don't know you -
"What are you doing here?" I ask Allie, turning on the porch light. "Did Edward send you?"
She offers a tentative, sympathetic smile. "I mean… yes. He wanted me to check on you and make sure you're okay. But I would've come regardless of whether or not he asked me to."
I don't react right away. I love that she's here because I've missed her so fucking much. But I feel like I need to tread lightly and still guard my heart. She's Edward's sister after all, and her loyalty lies with him first and foremost.
"I figured if I told you I was on my way over you might tell me not to come at all," she adds.
"How very Cullen of you," I mumble.
She looks confused. "What does that mean?"
"Your brother did the same thing the other day. Blindsided me. Forced me into seeing him before I was ready."
If things had ended well between Edward and me, I'd say his blindsiding me was romantic. A grand gesture. But now knowing the truth he withheld, so many of the good memories we've made over the last two days feel tainted by that one lie.
"Ohhh," Allie says in understanding. "You mean how he hired you for the photoshoot?"
A stab of annoyance slices through me. "Did you know he was planning that and didn't tell me?"
"No, I wouldn't have let him do that to you. He told me about that today. He actually told me… a lot."
This makes me pause, and I feel myself grow frustrated with him for telling Allie our business before I had the chance to decide if I wanted her to know anything.
"A lot?" I echo, crossing my arms. "Like… he told you everything?"
She shakes her head. "I don't know what happened between you two initially. I don't know why you moved here. But he confessed he slept with someone after you left and that he lied to you about it. And I'm so fucking pissed at him, and hurt for you, Bella. I'm here for you. Whatever you need."
My heart softens, not just from her support, but from Edward. Yeah, I guess he told her a lot, but it seems he only told her the mistake he made. He didn't tell her about my awful idea to share him with Maria or any of the before.
It seems he's leaving that up to me, and I do appreciate that.
"When did you see him?" I push.
"Earlier today. He called me after you left this morning, and we spent some time together. He's back at his hotel now."
"How is he?" I ask quietly. Guiltily.
She hesitates. "Do you really want me to tell you that?"
Yes.
No.
"I don't know," I mumble.
"I'll just say… he isn't good." She's holding back, I can tell. Part of me is grateful, the other part wants to know every devastating detail of how he looked and what he said. "He mentioned you were working today and wouldn't be home until after ten, so I waited to come over."
I still don't move to let her inside. "You fly back to Seattle tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah, but I'm thinking of changing my flight. Jasper still has to leave tomorrow to go back to work, but I might extend my stay."
I study her face. "Why?"
"Because I feel like both my brother and best friend need me."
I start to warm up even more, but I don't want to get my hopes up. Don't want to assume she'll hear everything I have to say and will stick by my side.
"Best friend?" I echo. "I haven't seen you in a year. I ghosted you for months and ignored you while you were going through your nasty divorce with asshole Ben," I list off, angry with myself. "That's not what a best friend does."
Allie frowns, shaking her head. "Okay, so when you lay it all out like that, it sucks. And of course, I was hurt, but that doesn't mean I love you any less."
Even though my guard is slightly down, I'm still wary. "I appreciate your offer to stay and to help, but really, there's nothing you can do."
"That's not true," she insists. "At the very least, I can listen?"
"Look, I do want to tell you everything, I'm just worried you'll judge us, and hate me. I'm worried you won't understand."
"Yeah, I get that. I can't say I will understand, and I can't guarantee I'll one hundred percent be on your side after I hear everything, but right now it seems like you have no one. And that has to be a scary place to be in," she says gently. "At the very least, I can be a drinking buddy?"
I sigh, aching to open up to her. And honestly, I know once she leaves I'm going to open that bottle of tequila, anyway. Drinking with someone else feels less pathetic than on my own, so I say, "Okay."
Relief flashes over her face. "Fair warning, I'm about to hug the hell out of you, girl."
I crack a small smile. "Fine. Hug away."
She steps forward and we embrace.
"I've missed you," she says, squeezing me tighter.
"Same." My eyes blur, and though I'd never ask, I hope she does extend her stay.
After we break apart, I let her inside and lock the door.
She sees Edward's chair and walks closer, picking up the hat he left here yesterday and setting it on the leather cushion.
"So, you two finally saw each other," she muses. "How was that?"
Heavy.
Healing.
Heartbreaking.
"It was a lot," I tell her and move into the kitchen to grab the liquor and two glasses.
When I'm back in the living room, I sit on the couch next to her, avoiding Edward's chair.
"I only have tequila and no limes," I warn.
"It's going to be painful, but I'm sure we can deal with it," she says, and I laugh dryly at her remark. "What's so funny?" she asks.
"Nothing. Just… I know you're talking about drinking, but it feels like your words could also be used for my situation. Like, it's painful, but I'll get through it."
"I mean… it's true. You're strong, Bella. You will get through it."
Her reassuring words just make me feel shitty.
I'm not strong; I'm weak. She's the strong one. She found out Ben cheated on her the entire time they were married and she was able to put herself back out there and find love again with Jasper.
I fill the bottom of our glasses with some tequila, and with locked eyes, we shoot them back.
She winces, but I don't. I'm used to the burn. I even embrace it.
"Why do I get the feeling you don't believe me when I say you're strong?" she asks, knowing me all too well.
"Because I'm not," I tell her. "I ran away. I… just left him. Both last year and this morning. I left Edward in my bed. No goodbye. Nothing but divorce papers."
Allie's eyes grow wide, and she takes the bottle from me refilling our glasses.
"Divorce papers?" she asks. "What divorce papers?"
"Edward didn't tell you?"
"No!"
"I thought he told you a lot," I remind her.
"Well, he didn't tell me that."
"I filed last year," I guiltily admit, and we drain our glasses again.
Allie sighs. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I couldn't talk about any of it. I didn't want to."
"Not even to me?"
"He's your brother!"
She looks offended. "But you're one of my best friends."
"I'm also your sister-in-law. I understand the hierarchy of relationships there." I can already feel my blood turning to alcohol, and feel myself getting tipsy. We were offered food at the wedding, but I barely ate, and now I realize that was a mistake.
"Hierarchy?" she scoffs. "Bella—"
"No, really. I wasn't going to make you pick a side and—"
"But I would have chosen your side! Edward came clean to me about Kim today, so I can only assume he's done that to you before, right? He slept with someone else, that's why you left him? So of course I'd be on your side, girl. One hundred percent. He fucked up."
I stay so, so quiet.
I appreciate her taking my side, but she deserves to know the full story.
So I decide to rip the motherfucking band-aid.
"Okay, yeah. You're right. He did sleep with someone else last year," I admit.
"How could he fucking do that to you?" she mutters in solidarity. "I just don't get it."
"It's not what you think, though. Without going into too many details because I'd honestly rather spare you, we… I… fuck, I need more tequila for this." It's my turn to take the bottle and refill our glasses. "I wanted him to have sex with another woman. And he did."
I drink my glass, but Allie stays paralyzed with confusion.
"Wait, what? So, y'all had a threesome?" she asks, visibly uncomfortable.
"Not exactly. I didn't… participate, so I don't think it can be considered a threesome."
She blinks. "You just wanted him to fuck someone else. And you wanted to watch."
I set the bottle on the floor and cover my face in embarrassment. "Yeah," I mumble from behind my hands.
"I'm going to ask in the most nonjudgemental way I can but why the fuck would you want that?"
Dropping my hands, I look at her shocked expression. "I don't want to get into the motivation behind it because there's so much shit I need to work through, but I thought it was partially a way for us to spice stuff up. But then all of this stuff started to gnaw at me, and it tore us apart."
"Stuff like what?"
"I was so insecure over it because he suggested the woman, Maria. He knew her. He worked with her."
"Oh, god," Allie mumbles. "Did he secretly have feelings for her?"
"He said he didn't but how can I trust anything he's said now? After it happened, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't forget what I saw. Couldn't stop convincing myself he wanted it more than I did. And he knew I was spiraling and didn't do a good job of making me feel like my insecurities weren't valid. He had her as a guest on his podcast and he didn't want to really talk about what happened. He said he was ashamed but…" I shrug.
Allie blows out a heavy breath, taking a much-needed second to let this all sink in. "I can honestly say I've had a lot of theories as to why you two split, but this was not on my radar. Wow. Just… wow."
"Yeah, it's out there."
"So, okay. That happened." She shakes her head like she's literally shaking away everything I just told her. "But did you want him to fuck Kim, too?"
"No," I say quickly. "That's completely different."
"How?"
"Because we didn't agree to that, and he fucking lied to me about it," I say heatedly.
"It just doesn't seem like him, Bell. He's so fucking in love with you. Did he say why he did it or why he even lied? Because he didn't really explain any of that to me when he came clean about Kim. All he said was that it happened and he hurt you and he fucking regretted it so much. He didn't try to justify or excuse any of it to me."
"I guess after I sent the divorce papers he was pissed and hurt and he wanted to hurt me. And he lied because he was scared of how I'd react. But he said he didn't sleep with anyone the entire time we were apart. He got pissed at me about Peter—"
"Wait, who's Peter?"
"Nobody. It doesn't matter," I promise, not wanting to get into all of that, too. "What matters is that I thought Edward and I were really going to turn things around. Put in the work. Be happy finally. We talked about him moving in here with me. I found my ring in his pocket yesterday. And then this fucking bombshell gets dropped on me and… and…" My throat constricts but I try to hold back my emotion. "Allie, he admitted he didn't know if he was going to tell me about Kim. Ever. If I hadn't found out about him sleeping with her, he probably wasn't going to tell me."
Her face falls, and it makes me feel justified that I'm not overreacting.
Vindicated or not, my heart is still broken, and tears fill my eyes.
Allie frowns and reaches for my arm. "Bella… don't, it's okay. If you cry, I'm gonna cry."
I dab at my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. "What am I supposed to do with that fucking bullshit news? Was he going to lie to me for the rest of our lives? I can't be with someone like that. I just can't. I don't trust him."
"Look, of course, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because he's my brother. Like, maybe he didn't plan on telling you yet, but surely his conscience would have forced him to tell you eventually?"
"But when?" I balk. "In a year? Five? Ten?"
She takes a small sip of her tequila. "I don't know."
"He had the perfect chance to tell me the other night when it came up in conversation, but he didn't. It's fucked. You know it is."
"I know," she agrees, tears filling her eyes now. "Trust me, I know how it feels to be lied to and blindsided after Ben."
"And I hate that you do," I mumble around the lump in my throat.
"It's the worst feeling. You feel stupid. Naive. You wonder how you didn't know. How you didn't pick up on the signs," she lists off, sniffling. "I don't want to minimize how you feel because my brother did lie. He did sleep with someone else. But it feels different."
I down more tequila.
Things are hazier. Warmer.
"Feels different than what?" I finally ask.
"Different than what happened with Ben and me."
"I'm not trying to compare Edward and me to you and Ben, Allie. I understand it's different. But that doesn't mean it doesn't fucking hurt?"
"I know, I know," she soothes. "I said I'm not trying to minimize how you feel. I'm just…"
"Picking Edward's side," I say flatly.
"I'm not! I'm not," she insists. "But it was one time, Bella. One time. One mistake. One lie."
I shake my head. "How can you of all people sit here and justify what Edward did?"
"I'm not justifying it, but I didn't know the entire story before. Now that I have more of the facts, I think—"
"I'm overreacting?" I ask, cutting her off. "Yeah, it was one lie but it would have followed us our entire marriage. It was one lie, but I already have trust issues because of my parents, and Edward just made my worst nightmare come true—he slept with someone behind my back and lied! If he got away with that, why wouldn't he try to get away with more?"
"Behind your back?" she asks, her tone changing from soft and understanding to accusing. "You left him, Bella. You ghosted him for four months and finally reached out on Christmas fucking Eve. What was he supposed to do?"
"Not fuck another woman!" I say with conviction, my heart feeling like it's in my throat, my pulse racing. "That would have been a good fucking start. Not banging some random bitch because he was pissed at me."
"But you said you filed for divorce," Allie reminds me. "I'm not saying he was in the right but… he's definitely not the only one in the wrong."
"I understand my hand in this. I really fucking do. What part of he lied to me don't you understand? Two nights ago we sat on the balcony of the Ace Hotel and he told me with such ferocity that he didn't touch anyone and no one touched him. He didn't have to say that. He could have come clean. But he didn't."
"Probably because he was terrified you'd leave him again," she insists with a frown. "You weren't there. You don't know how much it hurt him. You didn't have to see it. You didn't have to watch him push everyone away. My brother turned into someone I didn't recognize. He was a shell of himself and it was painful to see."
"I turned into someone I didn't recognize, and I was fucking hurting, too," I say, chin trembling. "But since no one was there to witness it, his pain trumps mine?"
"No, but, Bella… you ran. Edward didn't."
I scoff, shaking my head. "I can't believe this is happening right now. I knew you'd be biased, but this is insane. After everything Ben did to you, how can you be on Edward's side?"
"I'm not picking anyone's side! But if I'm partial to my brother, it's because I know he actually loves you. Ben never loved me. I know that now. I can see that now that I'm with Jasper," she murmurs. "Edward isn't the kind of man you're making him out to be. He just isn't."
"Well, right now I don't fucking feel like I know him at all. Or you for that matter."
Allie's face falls. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but… I don't think I'd be wrong in saying we don't feel like we know you anymore either."
Her words stun me.
Sting me.
In a way, I know she's right. I'm not myself. I haven't been for a while, but hearing her confirm that hurts.
I open my mouth to reply, then stop myself. It's not worth it. She won't get it. I'll be wasting my breath.
Instead, I get up and move into the kitchen, needing space before this gets ugly. Before she further blames me. Before I spew alcohol-induced words I can't take back.
I grab a bottle of water and wait. Not for her to follow after me, but for my heart to stop racing from the confrontation.
I'll admit she was right about one thing, though—I have no one. I'm alone, and this conversation has just highlighted that.
I drink some water but I'm already beyond buzzed.
I can't stop replaying her words.
We don't feel like we know you.
We, she said.
As in her and Edward.
As in the Cullens.
Them against me.
Me against them.
My phone vibrates with a text, and I pull it out of my back pocket to see it's Peter.
The only person who hasn't made me feel alone during my time in LA.
Peter: Hey, I think I left my backup battery in your bag, can I grab it tomorrow? Hope you got home okay.
Bella: I can bring it to you tonight. Are you home?
Peter: I was, but I just left. Going to North Star with the guys.
Bella: That's fine, I can meet you there if that's cool.
Too many seconds pass before his reply finally comes through.
Peter: Lol yeah, I'm always down to hang with you, but… is that okay?
I should stop this.
I should tell him never mind. I can drop off his battery in the light of day in a more neutral, friendly place. Not in a dark, dingy bar where mistakes happen and feelings get muddled.
But I don't.
I reply that I'll see him soon, letting my angry, drunk, and lonely heart take the wheel.
Just like Edward did.