Thanks so much for reading. This is wrapping up, maybe another 5 or so chapters.
I know I pulled a lot of stories today and there are reasons, both good and bad. I don't want to get into it too much, and I'm truly sorry. It makes me sad, too, but...
I'm sure PDFs of some of my stories are floating around and I don't mind if people share them.
Thank you for everything.
Edited to add: I wanted to thank everyone for being so kind about my decision to pull. My goal would be to eventually publish, but I'm not delusional enough to think it would be a success lol
If you need a PDF of any story, there seems to be a whole lot of them in the Facebook group "The Twilight Fan Fiction Finders." You just need to search the group and then join. You can use the search bar to look up my name and you'll find the post with the stories linked there.
50
- bigger than the whole sky -
Edward
With two days until Christmas, I wait for Bella outside of her doctor's office.
In the light of day, I'm nervous to see her.
The time we spent together last night was light and easy, even if everything in my head was fucking heavy and difficult. I'm grateful she allowed us that time together without either of us having to acknowledge our situation. But I know we can't stay in this limbo forever. More than that, I don't fucking want to.
When I went to her house, there was no thought behind it. Only feeling. I felt a pull, a longing to see her after she texted me. So instead of driving to the hotel after work, I got on the freeway and went to her place.
I wanted to know if she was okay. If she was upset with me for taking space after couples therapy. I wanted to hug her and breathe her in and feel her stomach again. I wanted to tell her, enough. No more fucking time apart. We can work on ourselves and our marriage while staying together.
But even if I want to implant myself back into her life, I don't want us to rush this either. Because we need to get it right this time.
That's why when I parked by her curb, I couldn't get out of the fucking car.
So I waited. Reread her text twenty fucking times. And then I opened the notes app on my phone and I started writing to her.
I wrote without the intention of ever letting her read it. The more I got my thoughts down, the better I felt.
It was Dr. Molina's suggestion to write to her so I'd be able to communicate more effectively. I didn't think it'd work. I thought it'd feel awkward or that I wouldn't be able to turn my thoughts into words, but he once again proved to be right.
I've had two sessions with him since my couples therapy with Bella. I told him everything she and I talked about because I was trying to figure out how I missed so much of her pain.
Was I not attentive or perceptive enough during our marriage? I feel like I was. She's all I see. Her her her.
But after talking to my therapist, I realized I did see it all—her pain, her insecurities, her fucking walls—and I never addressed any of it. Not because I didn't care, but because I didn't recognize it for what it was, and I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't want to dredge up shit I wasn't able to solve. I wanted to avoid, to stay complacent, because it seemed easier.
I felt guilty after acknowledging that and in a way, I failed her. Anytime her family did come up, she was good at being evasive. There weren't many good things to say about them so sometimes I didn't think anything of it when she kept things surface-level or changed the subject. I took what she gave me at face value. I accepted the version of herself she offered because I couldn't expect her to dig deeper when I couldn't do it myself either. I didn't have the fucking tools yet. And I still don't but I'm fucking trying.
Dr. Molina stressed that I shouldn't beat myself up for not questioning her family dynamic and how it affected her. He reminded me that the past is the past. We're doing the work now for our present and future selves. We're addressing it. And the hope is that we come out fucking stronger than before.
After last night, I think we will.
I'm about to call her now and ask if she's almost here when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I turn around to find her standing behind me and immediately pull her in for a hug.
With my arms around her waist, I lift her up a bit. She lets out a little sound of surprise but accepts my embrace and links her arms around the back of my neck, holding me tightly.
"Hey," I breathe out. "Sorry that I had to meet you here and couldn't pick you up. My meeting ran late."
"Hey," she echoes, her voice breaking a little around the edges. "It's all good. I wasn't expecting you to drive me here."
With one more gentle squeeze, I set her down, finally searching her face and finding a gentle openness there, and some unshed tears.
"Don't cry," I murmur.
"Hormones," she mumbles. "Thank you for the hug. It's been a weird week."
"Weird, how? Like your estranged husband showing up at your house last night unannounced and forcing you to eat breakfast before crashing in your bed?"
Her tears turn to breathless laughter. "Stop it. I loved spending time with my husband," she corrects, the word punching me in the fucking heart from how good it feels to hear. "I meant it's been a weird week as in long and lonely."
"I'm sorry." I squeeze her shoulder, understanding exactly how she feels. "Are you doing okay?"
She shrugs and I drop my hand as she says, "I've been worried. But I'm trying not to overthink or stress."
"About us or the baby?" I ask.
"Both," she says honestly. "Are you doing okay?"
I shrug. "I've been overthinking and stressing," I say with a wry smile, and she frowns, not appreciating my joke.
"Am I still not allowed to ask anything about the space you needed this past week?"
"I mean… I wasn't purposely trying to be evasive, Bell. A lot of it was just spent stuck in my head and dissecting stuff my therapist gave me to think about. Not even about our future but… our past, mostly."
"I'm not sure that makes me feel any better," she confesses.
"I told you, it's not a bad thing. Just trying to make stuff add up," I reassure her.
Bella's expression still looks uncertain, but she says, "Okay. Well, we don't have to talk now, but… I've missed you. I just want you to know that."
"I've missed you, too. So fucking much," I murmur. "Do you want to grab a bite to eat after this? I'm taking the rest of the day off, so. Yeah."
The uncertain smile she wore seconds ago shifts to something softer, more relaxed. "Okay," she agrees. "I'd like that."
We head inside the building and take the elevator up to the third floor. I wait in line with her to check in, even though she tells me I don't have to.
"Name?" the receptionist asks.
"Bella Cullen," she says aloud, and hearing her say her name feels so fucking right. "I have an 11:30 ultrasound appointment."
The receptionist keeps her focus on the computer, clicking and typing away, then says, "I don't have anything for you to sign, but I do need you to confirm if you're still on the same insurance."
"I am," Bella says automatically.
"Wait," I chime in. "She's on Cigna."
Bella looks up at me, confused as I pull out my wallet.
"I've never been on Cigna, and I got on my own insurance after you left the podcast," she tells me, but I hand the receptionist an insurance card, anyway.
"When I signed on with ESPN at the beginning of August, I enrolled you in my health benefits," I explain. "And I didn't remove you after everything. So. You're still covered. Might as well add this insurance, too, in case yours doesn't cover something."
Her confused expression shifts to something softer. Sincere.
"You didn't have to do that," she mumbles.
I don't look away from her face. "I wanted to."
She hesitates, maybe unsure of what to say. That day in my dressing room I said it will never feel like she's not my wife. And I hope this proves I meant that.
"Thank you doesn't seem like it would be enough to convey just how grateful I am for you," she says quietly. "Or how comforting it is to know you were still looking out for me, even after everything we've been through."
"You don't have to thank me," I promise.
She stands on her tiptoes and leans closer to press a chaste kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you," she whispers, staring up at me.
My gaze feels serious, searing, and I touch the small of her back, keeping my hand there until the receptionist hands me the card and tells us to have a seat.
"I guess you should keep this," I say, giving her the insurance card once we sit down in the waiting area. She opens her purse and slides it into her wallet. "Are you nervous?" I ask, placing a hand on her thigh to keep her leg from bouncing.
"No, I just have to pee really bad," she laughs a little.
I start to stand. "I'll find a bathroom for you."
She tugs on my arm, making me sit. "It's okay. Even though it's torture, apparently it's better to have a full bladder during an ultrasound. It helps you see the baby or something."
"Ah. I didn't know that."
"I didn't either until the nurse told me. Apparently, today could be hit or miss, so let's hope the baby is cooperating and we can actually see if it's a boy or girl," she muses.
"Honestly, I just want to see the baby," I murmur. "If we have to come back to find out the gender, that's fine."
The door opens and the only other person in the waiting room gets called back, leaving Bella and me alone.
"I'll be a little bummed if we don't find out the sex today," she says. "I feel like I've been waiting forever. And I'm in limbo with wanting to buy stuff. So I need to know today."
Without a second thought, I reach over and place a palm on her bump, then bring my face closer to her stomach and say, "You better listen to your mom, kiddo." I glance up and catch Bella's sweet smile. "You still don't have a preference for a boy or girl?" I ask, sitting back in my chair.
"Mmm. I don't know. I feel like it'll make me a bad mom to want one over the other."
"No way. And it's not like you'll love our baby any less. Whatever we have will be all we know," I tell her, hoping to ease her worry. "Honestly, after thinking about it, I kind of want a little girl."
Another soft smile spreads across her face. "Really? Why?"
"Yeah. No matter what, this baby is going to change me. Change us. It's gonna make me want to do better. And you already make me softer," I murmur, "but I think a little girl would melt my fucking heart. Wrap me around her finger completely."
"I want a little girl, too," she finally confesses.
I can't help but grin. "I knew it."
"How?"
"I had a feeling," I insist. "Why do you want a girl?"
"To see you wrapped around her finger," she says with an amused smirk. "I was talking to my therapist about this the other day, actually," she starts to tell me, then pauses like she's unsure of herself. "In a way, it's almost like… I don't want this to sound bad."
"Nothing you tell me will make me think less of you, Bell. Ever," I say honestly. I need her to know this. To understand this. To believe me. Because I don't ever want her to feel like she can't confide in me again.
She nods, keeping her voice low as she says, "I realized part of wanting a baby was to like… heal my childhood wounds. I know I would do everything so differently from my parents, and it would be easy because I know exactly what not to do. I guess I thought if we had a little girl, I could heal my past. Give her everything and fix me, and… unfortunately, Jane said that's not how that works."
My eyes don't leave her face as she speaks, so she stares at her hands, like maybe my attention is too much. But I can't look away from her. Not when she's being open like this.
"They were good intentions, maybe, but not healthy or realistic," she continues. "Jane said that I was putting too much pressure on myself to break this generational trauma or whatever. And yeah, babies can be healing, and giving our child the emotional support and love I never had can help me to an extent, but it's not our baby's responsibility to fix me. I have to do that myself." Her knee bounces again. "Anyway. That's just some of the stuff I work through with Jane. It sounds really heavy but for some reason when I'm in there with her, it feels normal to talk about."
I don't respond right away because… I don't know. She keeps surprising me. She keeps throwing out ideas and thoughts she's never shared with me before and I need time to adjust to this open and vulnerable Bella.
"I'm really fucking proud of you," I finally murmur.
She looks both appreciative and embarrassed. "You don't have to say that."
"Yes, I do," I say firmly. "Because you deserve to know. I know your parents were awful. They still are. But hearing everything you told me in couples therapy… I didn't know all of that. I didn't know how it could have affected you or shaped you. I didn't know because I never dealt with any of that myself. I didn't think to ask, and you didn't want to tell," I admit, feeling equal parts remorseful and protective. "But we're here now and you're taking steps to not let everything they've done or not done consume you. You're making a conscious effort to help yourself and… I understand. I get why you needed space to do it yourself. And it just… makes me really fucking proud, okay?"
I reach for her hand, linking our fingers together and squeezing them.
"Thank you," she whispers, and I bring our clasped hands to my mouth and press a soft kiss to the inside of her wrist.
The door opens and the sonographer calls my wife's name.
Hand in hand, we walk back to the dim room.
"I'm Heidi, I'll be showing you your baby today," she says, upbeat and no-nonsense. She points toward a chair near the exam table. "Dad, you can sit over there. Mom, hop on up."
I help Bella onto the table even though she can do it herself. Then I grab the chair, dragging it closer so I'm right next to her.
Heidi sits on the other side of Bella at the computer and tells her to undo her jeans and lower them past her bump. She does, and I can't look away. She's definitely bigger than she was when she showed me her stomach over FaceTime on Thanksgiving, and I kind of love seeing evidence that our baby is growing.
Bella glances over at me. "Nervous?" she asks.
"I'm just ready," I say eagerly.
"So, you're 18 weeks and 3 days along? I see here there's an estimated due date of May 23," Heidi says, but I stay quiet and let Bella reply.
"Yes."
"Is this your first child?" Heidi asks.
"Yes. First baby. Pregnancy. Everything," Bella confirms.
Heidi smiles. "Congrats! Are we finding out the sex today or am I writing it down for a gender reveal?"
"We're finding out today," I answer for us this time, feeling like I need to have more of a role here.
"Sounds good. There are some specific shots I need to get today to check the development of your baby's organs and body parts. Just to make sure they're on track and healthy."
"Will you be able to tell us today if you see anything concerning?" Bella asks, and I get the feeling she's worried something could go wrong, so I reach for her hand.
"Unfortunately, I cannot. I'll have to send the images to the radiologist and then your doctor will be in touch in a few days to let you know the results," Heidi says. "If you're ready, I'll get started."
Bella nods. Heidi squirts gel on her stomach and presses the probe onto her lower belly. My eyes are immediately transfixed on the screen mounted on the wall. Whooshing sounds fill the room.
"Okay, I'm gonna apply a little pressure, just let me know if it gets too uncomfortable," Heidi instructs, moving the probe around until our baby's entire profile fills the screen. "And… there is your baby. Look at that darling little nose."
I do.
I look at their nose. Their limbs. Their little head. What looks like their little belly. That little flicker of a heartbeat as it pulses through the room, hitting me straight in my own fucking heart.
It's overwhelming and a swell of emotion passes over me, but I swallow it back.
"Wow," I breathe out in awe. "That's crazy."
"I know," Bella whispers, emotion coating her tone.
I squeeze Bella's hand tighter.
The baby moves, and the screen changes.
"Okay, I just need to do a little searching here," Heidi muses, moving the probe around and focusing on different areas. "Come on, baby. Work with me. Now's not the time to be a gymnast."
I breathe out a laugh. "If our baby is stubborn, that's all me, and I apologize," I say, and Bella just smiles.
"You're not the first dad to admit that in here," Heidi laughs, then hums in confirmation. "Ah-ha. Any last guesses on what you're having?"
With my eyes on the screen, it's hard to tell what we're looking for, so Bella and I both shake our heads, anticipating the news.
"Congratulations. You're having a little girl," she says, giving us the exact news we both admitted we wanted.
The raw emotion that was building in my chest is there again and I blink away tears before they escape. But it's when I look at Bella that I get a little choked up. There are already tears on her cheeks and the most tender expression as she stares at our baby. It's a mixture of pride, elation, love. So much love. It's everything I fucking feel too.
"A baby girl," Bella echoes, sniffling.
I wipe my eyes, laughing. "A little girl. I'm fucked, aren't I?"
Heidi laughs. "Again, not the first father to say that in here."
"Are you happy?" Bella asks me, reaching for my face and brushing her soft fingers over my cheeks.
"So happy, Bell." I sniff and scrub a hand over my mouth. "Are you?"
"Yeah," she whispers. "Scared and excited and happy and grateful. Thank you for being here. Thank you."
Caught up in the moment—caught up in her—I lean in, resting my forehead against hers.
"I love you so much," she whispers.
And then I press my mouth to her lips, and I kiss her.