Chapter 44 - Confessions

Lex slept at the hospital that night, if what he did could be called sleeping. He woke up a few times an hour, and the one time he managed to stay asleep for more than an hour, he dreamt about his father recovering all of his memories and pulling a gun on him. The next morning, it took as much courage to walk into his father's hospital room as it had taken to walk into the plant when Earl Jenkins had taken it hostage.

But the hammer didn't fall, not yet. His father was up and reading, and he smiled at Lex when he walked into the room. Lex sat with him for breakfast, even though he could barely eat anything himself, but he excused himself right after, saying he had business to take care of at the plant, which was true. Before he left, his father told him again how proud he was.

Lex fought tears all the way back to Smallville. It was everything he had ever wanted, everything he desperately needed. But it wouldn't last, and when it ended, Lex was as good as dead. More likely, worse than dead.

It was easy to delegate the day's work to employees—most of them had already heard about his father waking up from his coma, and they were understanding and eager to help him as much as they could—which left his afternoon open. For the first time in their friendship, Lex texted Clark, not to casually invite him over or remind him the mansion was open to him, but to ask him to come over. It took him a half an hour to write a one-sentence text that would convey urgency but not desperation, importance but not emergency.

But when Clark arrived, Lex found he had no idea how to say what he wanted to say. Clark didn't know about many of the things his father would start to remember, and Lex had wanted to keep it that way. Now, though, anyone who was close to Lex could find themselves in danger as soon as his father began to regain his memories. Clark deserved to know why.

Lex sat at his desk, face frozen, as Clark entered. Clark hung his backpack on the hook and approached the desk, a smile on his face that faded fast when he saw Lex's expression. "Your father?" he asked.

"That obvious?"

"You always have that tense look on your face when you're worried about something he's doing. What happened yesterday?"

Lex shifted in his seat as Clark sat down across from him. "It was good, actually."

Clark's eyebrows raised. "Really? He didn't remember you . . . you know."

Lex shook his head. "He didn't remember anything."

"He didn't know who you were?"

"The last he remembers, I was ten years old."

Clark's eyebrows raised. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Well, that could be a good thing, right? It's a fresh start."

"The brain damage isn't permanent. He's going to start regaining his memories."

"But . . . you'll be with him, right? You can explain . . ." His voice trailed off as he looked at Lex's face. "What's wrong?"

"Clark, I haven't been completely open with you about some things in my past."

"I know your childhood wasn't the best. But I know the person you are today. If your father can't see that, it's his loss."

Lex almost chuckled at Clark's innocence. "You know about Duncan."

"That was an accident, wasn't it?"

Lex's father certainly hadn't treated it that way. "Duncan was . . . not my first."

Clark frowned. "Not your first what?"

Lex swallowed hard. "Did I ever tell you I had a little brother?"

"Really?"

"When I was eleven, my mother got pregnant again. It was a total surprise. I'd never seen my father happier. The day Julian was born was the only time I felt like I was part of a real family."

"What happened?"

"Officially? The morning of his baptism, my mother went to his nursery, found him in his crib. He had stopped breathing."

"And . . . unofficially?"

Lex looked down at his hands. It had taken this long for him to learn to trust Clark enough to even consider telling him all of this, but the last year didn't make it any easier. Some part of him was still afraid Clark would never see him the same way again. "My father walked in on me holding a pillow and standing over Julian's crib. His . . . body wasn't cold yet."

"That's horrible."

Lex flinched.

"No, I mean . . . you were just a kid, and I'm sure it was an accident, right? Why would you have wanted to kill your brother?"

"I dunno, Clark. Looking back, I realize Julian and I would have hated each other as we grew older. My father would have pitted us against each other. But back then, that was the last thing on my mind."

"I'm guessing your dad was pretty upset."

"He . . . beat me." Lex would never have said it, if it weren't for the fact that he was fairly convinced his father would try to do the same thing again as soon as he regained the memory. The paralysis would be an obstacle, though; in that case, he would likely resort to other, more detrimental forms of revenge.

"I'm sorry. About your father, and about your brother." Clark winced, as if he were aware of how small the words sounded.

"I've moved past it, Clark. But my father is going to experience that grief and anger as if it were fresh."

"What do you think he'll do?"

Lex thought back to the day his father had closed down the plant. "He won't come after me directly. More likely, he'll try to destroy everything I've ever worked for."

"The plant?"

"Yes. And if he finds out about the meteor rock experiments . . ."

"But . . . but he can't destroy that. How long does Pamela have?"

"A little while." Lex had been in steady communication with Pamela's doctors. The treatments were going well and making her comfortable; she was up on her feet most days, but it was a temporary fix until they could find a true cure. "But it won't be long enough, if my father decides to sabotage me."

"How would he sabotage you?"

"He has a tendency to try to interfere in my relationships with other people. It's one of the reasons . . ." Lex's voice trailed off. He had been about to say that it was one of the reasons he didn't really have friends, but now it just sounded pathetic. "I've always had to be careful around him."

Clark's brow furrowed. "Lex, you know he's not going to get to me. Whatever he says or does . . . I trust you, and I'm not giving up on you."

"Thanks, Clark." The words felt too small. He never could have phrased how much that meant to him, to have one friend who would always be on his side.

Clark stood up and clapped him on the shoulder, and Lex was impressed by the control he'd developed; it was neither too light nor heavy enough for him to have suspected Clark was an alien with super powers. "I have to get home," Clark said. "I've kinda been getting behind in chores."

Lex nodded and stood to walk him to the door. "Anything I can help you with?"

"It's going to be pretty hard work. And I'm not supposed to be using my powers."

"Ah. Well, I wouldn't mind." The physical labor might clear his mind. He'd been considering going down to his boxing gym to work off some steam.

Clark shrugged. "Okay, you can drive home with me if you want. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Lex ended up coming home sore and covered in dirt, but his mind felt clearer after doing all of those chores. Even better, Jonathan Kent had come out to supervise for a minute, and he hadn't even glared at Lex. Hadn't even asked what he was doing there. Just gave him a bit of advice on how to do the chores better, and his voice wasn't even condescending.

Lex went to visit Pamela in her room once he had showered. She greeted him with a hug, like she almost always did these days, but she frowned when she got a better look at his face. He told her the whole story of what had happened with his father, as well as what would be happening over the coming days and weeks.

"No chance he's faking the memory loss?" Pamela asked.

"That was my first thought. But . . . I know what his acting looks like. And most of the doctors on his case are specialists who haven't worked on him before. One doctor would be easier to bribe to lie. This many . . . it would be difficult, and I'm not sure what purpose it would serve."

"It just seems too good to be true."

"Not if he's going to gain those memories back." Lex shook his head. "Just for a moment there, I thought I had a fresh start. That he might . . ." He lowered his head.

She frowned. "He wasn't exactly a model father even before Julian and your mother. He still beat you. Your mother, too, a few times."

"I know. But . . . Pamela, he said he was proud of me." Lex left out the part about the hug; he couldn't get the words out.

"He's in shock. He's seeing the adult version of his ten-year-old son. That's enough to make even Lionel Luthor sentimental."

The words hurt, but he knew he needed to hear them. "I'll be careful."

"I know you will. The big question is, will you tell him the truth this time?"

"I've already told him Julian died of SIDS."

"I know, but once he remembers what he saw . . ."

"Then there will be nothing to tell him. He'll already know what I did."

Pamela shook her head. "No, no. The truth."

"I killed Julian. It was an accident, but—"

Her eyes widened. "No, no no. Oh, you don't know!"

" . . . What?"

"I'm so sorry, Alexander, I know you took the blame, but I always assumed you knew—"

"Knew what?"

"The truth about how Julian died."

"He was found smothered. I was holding the pillow."

"I know, but you didn't kill him, Alexander."

Cold chills passed over his skin. "Who killed him?"

Pamela's eyes became glossy and she gripped his hand tightly before she said, "Your mother."