Reflecting Light, Part 2

by katiebug5

Mairead O'Keefe made it through her final year at Hogwarts and is now a fully-qualified witch. But when the unthinkable happens, and an evil that has haunted Mairead all her life rises again, she will find herself thrust back into a war she believed had already been won - and back into the life of the man she has never been able to forget.

37. Flight Risk

Author's Note: Thank you to Wikked and GraceMonroe for reviewing! I hope you know how much it means to me to know that there are people who love this story enough to actually re-read it! Thank you so much for sharing your love of this story with me. 3

Thank you all for waiting two weeks for this next installment so that I could spend the holidays with my family! I hope you all had or are having a lovely holiday season!

Just a quick note that this chapter contains dialogue directly taken from Chapter 26 of Order of the Phoenix. Also, a reminder that this chapter does not follow canon. And a far more important reminder that Trans women are women.

Finally, I wanted to include a TRIGGER WARNING that this chapter includes a brief moment of torture. Please let me know if you would like me to send you a summary, so that you can skip it.

---

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Flight Risk

In the end, Ansel wound up being the one to come to Sophie's rescue. By the time Dumbledore managed to get away from Hogwarts and return to Grimmauld Place, Mairead had remembered the letter she had received from Ansel. She had scarcely been able to wait for Dumbledore to take a seat before she had shoved the letter into his hands in a frenzy.

"He reached out to me when my father broke out of Azkaban," she explained breathlessly. "He said they're severely understaffed at the French Embassy and that I could have a job if I wanted to get out of the country. There might even be security!"

Dumbledore's eyes flicked back and forth across the parchment. He appeared to read the letter several times before he looked up and offered Mairead a smile. "I think this is just the sort of thing we need," he said.

They spent over an hour hashing out every detail they could think of. Mairead offered to reach out to Ansel, but Dumbledore immediately put a halt to that idea.

"While I understand and am most sympathetic to your desire to help, Mairead," he said in a serious voice, "I fear that perhaps I have not been clear enough in emphasizing to you how crucial it is that you remain out of contact with the outside world. I accept the lion's share of responsibility for your decision to leave Grimmauld Place last night, but I need to be clear that such actions on your part cannot be repeated if you wish to remain alive."

Mairead felt her cheeks burn with shame, and she stammered out an apology. Dumbledore waved it off in an airy, graceful manner, and suggested they put their heads together to find another way of contacting Ansel that would neither risk revealing Mairead's location nor draw a connection between Dumbledore (and consequently, the Order of the Phoenix) and Ansel.

Mairead suggested that Dumbledore reach out to Sister Mary Agnes, who could pass the message along through Edgar, who could in turn pass it along to Ansel, but Dumbledore had disliked the idea of involving St. Hedwig's, which had once again turned down his offer of protection. He did not want to give the Death Eaters any more reason to target the orphanage than they already had.

Eventually they settled on Professor Flitwick. While Dumbledore said it was not ideal to have a member of the Order be the point of contact for Ansel, he acknowledged that any gains in anonymity would be lost in needlessly complicated lines of communication. "It seems sensible that Filius would reach out to Ansel," Dumbledore said thoughtfully. "He was, of course, Ansel's Head of House, and as Ansel was a model student as well as a Prefect, it stands to reason that they would keep in touch. I doubt anyone would be suspicious, but even if they are, Filius is skilled enough to throw them off the scent."

Dumbledore promised he would talk to Flitwick as soon as he returned to Hogwarts. "With any luck, Sophie will be out of the country - and out of easy reach, at least - by the end of the week," Dumbledore said.

Mairead wanted to weep with relief at the thought, but settled instead for thanking the Headmaster profusely and repeatedly apologizing for disobeying his orders and leaving headquarters. Dumbledore, in turn, responded by reaching out and laying a long, thin hand on top of hers.

"Mairead," he said solemnly, "I know you have become accustomed to taking care of yourself, and I know you are more than capable of so doing. Life has shown you that our society does not take proper care of the innocents of this world, and you have taken it upon yourself to correct this imbalance whenever you can. I do not blame you for taking matters into your own hands when you felt I could not be trusted to take the proper actions to protect Ms. Rosier. My only hope is that my actions today can demonstrate to you that, though I am an old, old man, I still learn every day, and I do my very best to correct my mistakes." Here, Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled and he smiled ever so slightly. "If you promise to keep pointing out to me when I have made a mistake, and I promise to listen attentively to your concerns, then I sincerely hope you will have no further occasion to disobey my orders."

"Yes, sir," Mairead said humbly.

Dumbledore gave her hand a gentle pat, then rose to his feet. "With that, I will take my leave of you," he said. "If you need to get in touch with me, please have Remus or Sirius send me a Patronus."

---

Mairead did her best to let her mind relax as time went on. Remus seemed to be trying very hard to make her happy and to save her from the same boredom and depression that so often ruled his closest friend. He had very regretfully informed her of the plan to dispose of her car.

"Moody wants everyone to lie low for a few days," he had explained. "He's picking out a place to leave it, and I'll take it out there sometime in the next week and take my time coming back, just to make sure I'm not followed."

Mairead had nodded and swallowed with difficulty. "That makes sense," she had said in a tiny voice.

The next day, Remus surprised Mairead with breakfast in bed, complete with a tiny vase of wildflowers. As sad as Mairead was to lose her car, which she had scraped and saved for, and which had always represented freedom to her, and which had given her a sense of free agency she had never known before, she made a point of showering Remus with kisses and affection to show him how much she appreciated his thoughtful gesture.

But by far the times Mairead enjoyed the most were not the moments when Remus was turning cartwheels trying to please her, but was just being the quiet, kind, clever man she had fallen in love with back at Hogwarts. She adored sitting next to him in the library, which was Remus's favorite place to read by the fire. She would bring a cup of tea for each of them and watch him sip, close his eyes, and sigh in contentment. Then, she would join him on the couch, either tucking her toes under one of his legs for warmth, or curling up at his side, his arm draped around her. She would peek curiously over his shoulder at whatever he was reading until he noticed, smiled crookedly, and flipped back to the beginning to read aloud to her. Mairead would close her eyes, basking in the warm, flannel-soft sound of his voice, rising and falling effortlessly over the words on the page.

Sometimes, Sirius would join them in the library, and he and Remus would play chess while Mairead watched quietly. Other times, Remus would go looking for Mairead, and more often than not find her with Sirius, keeping him silent but friendly company wherever he was brooding. Remus would sit by Mairead's side, interlace their fingers, and in his gentle, unobtrusive way, draw Sirius out of his funk. Mairead peppered them with questions about their lives. She loved listening to them talk about their adolescence, about pranks they had pulled, and most of all, about Lily and James Potter. And though Remus and Sirius did most of the talking, Remus always made a point of commenting on her ability to get past people's guards.

"I swear, you could get conversation out of a dead stump," he liked to tease her.

There were less quiet times, too. Mairead felt bad for how much time Sirius had lost sitting in a prison cell, and took it upon herself to catch him up on a self-curated highlights list of popular culture. She told Sirius all about the fashion trends he had missed, regaled him with retellings of films that had been released during his imprisonment, and Remus helped her fill Sirius in on the major events of the past fourteen years. With Remus's permission, she moved his gramophone down to the kitchen, and she played some of his more recent records for Sirius, which resulted in Sirius pulling Mairead into his arms and twirling her around the kitchen.

When she wasn't faffing about with Sirius or having relentlessly grueling lessons with Remus, Mairead passed the time helping Snape with his potions preparations. Snape had already dropped by headquarters twice in the week since she had been volunteered to help him, though he never stayed to chat for long. Rather, he dumped jaw-dropping amounts of potions ingredients onto her work table, spent a minute or so instructing Mairead on how to prepare them (as if she had not, herself, sat through seven years of his lessons), and then swept out of the room, head haughtily lifted high. The first time he had returned to collect her work, he had stared at the results - meticulously prepared to his precise instructions and measured into neatly labeled jars - for so long, Mairead had begun to sweat, sure she had done something wrong. Her sense of disquiet was exacerbated by the unpleasant look curling at Snape's upper lip and flashing dangerously in his black eyes. But he had merely waved his wand at the ingredients, which vanished into thin air, and stalked off, only to return the next day with even more ingredients to prepare.

All of the work for Snape felt overwhelming, especially on top of her dueling lessons with Remus and Sirius, but Mairead was grateful for the opportunity to keep her mind occupied. Whenever she was left alone with her thoughts for too long, her mind would stray to questions about where her father was now, how angry he must be at not being able to find her, and just how badly she would be punished should he manage to track her down. The knowledge that all it would take for her father to find her would be for Snape's tongue to wag made her sick with worry. This thought was never too far from the surface of her mind as she painstakingly chopped, shredded, skinned, juiced, peeled, and expressed the various potions ingredients needed for Snape's classes.

---

Mairead groaned quietly and wiped the sweat from her forehead onto the sleeve of her jumper. Her fingers were stiff and tired from plucking piles of fluxweed off its stems, careful to keep all five petals of the flower intact as she did. She rolled her head from side to side, sighing at the pops that ensued. She looked up at the sound of a knock on the door.

"Come in," she called.

The door opened, and Snape entered. "You're late," he said shortly. "The meeting has begun."

"Oh, sorry," Mairead said, hastily wiping her hands on her trousers and stepping out from behind her work table. She trotted after Snape, who swept along ahead of her like a bat. "I'm just about finished with the fluxweed," she panted, doing her best to keep up.

"Well, it's not going to get done, now," Snape said irritably, gliding down the stairs to the basement kitchen.

Mairead's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

Snape pushed the door open and turned his body sideways to let Mairead go ahead of him. Mairead started into the kitchen, then jerked to a halt at the sight that awaited her.

Everyone sitting around the table was wearing a dark, hooded cloak. Masks obscured their faces.

Mairead stumbled backwards, her feet already breaking into a run before she had fully registered what had happened.

They had been betrayed. They had been found.

Snape caught her arm in an iron grip. He gave her a hard shove, and she crashed to the stone floor of the kitchen. He followed her inside and closed the door, sealing it with his wand. Now that she was fully inside the kitchen, she could see what had been obscured by the doorway before.

All of the members of the Order lay in a heap on the floor. Every single one of them was dead. Mairead took in the sight of Sirius's blue eyes, staring lifelessly at the ceiling. She saw Molly and Arthur Weasley, Molly's blue-tinged hands clutching the front of Arthur's robes even in death. She saw Bill, his face a death mask of fear. His arms encased another figure. Mairead saw silvery blonde hair flowing out from behind his arms. Dumbledore, the lenses of his half-moon spectacles shattered, the frames dangling from his crooked nose. And by his right side -

"No," Mairead whimpered.

Remus, clutching his wand in limp fingers, a trickle of blood running down his forehead.

Mairead looked up at Snape. "How could you?!" she screamed - or, she tried to. The sound just came out as a weak whisper. "Why would you kill all of them and leave me alive?"

Snape looked down his nose impassively. "I told you: you were late," he said coldly.

Mairead's mouth fell open in wordless horror. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one of the cloaked, masked figures rise.

"You've been very naughty, Mairead," came the rough, cruel voice that had haunted her dreams for the past eleven years.

Mairead gasped in a ragged breath. She cringed away from the table where all the Death Eaters were congregated. She dragged herself closer to the pile of dead bodies, as if she could draw comfort from them now. As if they could help her now. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's too late for 'sorry's,'" the man said. He nodded at Snape. "Bring her over here."

Snape bent forward and seized Mairead by her arms. She screamed and tried to struggle, but found she was paralyzed by fear. Snape easily dragged her over to the table. As they approached, the Death Eaters all stood. The man who had spoken raised his wand, and before Mairead's eyes, the table transformed into a bathtub. He raised both hands and lowered his hood, revealing thick, dark, curly hair. He removed the mask covering his face, and Mairead found herself looking into a pair of merciless dark green eyes.

"You have yourself a choice, Mairead," Kenneth said.

Mairead shook like a leaf, too afraid to say anything.

"You don't have to go into the bath if you don't want to," continued Kenneth. "You have another option."

He turned the mask around in his hands and extended it towards Mairead.

Mairead gaped at it. How could he expect her to take it? How could he expect her to join them? Before she could say any of this, though, another voice spoke up.

"Don't be daft, Mairead. Just take it." Mairead looked in the direction of the speaker, eyes popping with disbelief at the voice she heard coming from behind another mask.

"No," she whispered, unable to believe her own ears.

"Just go on and do it, May," the girl ordered her impatiently. "They found us a long time ago."

"NOOOOO!" Mairead screamed. "NOOOOO! SOPHIE!"

She thrashed wildly then, desperate to break away from Snape's grasp, but he was too strong. Or rather, she was too weak, for, try as she might, she found she could barely move.

Kenneth clicked his tongue in disappointment. "You've embarrassed me, so, Mairead," he growled. He stepped towards her, bent down, and grabbed her around both ankles. The two Death Eaters hoisted her into the air and brought her, screaming and struggling, over to the bathtub.

"NOOOO!" Mairead shrieked, fighting with everything she had. Snape and Mairead's father lowered her into the tub. Mairead felt the hard porcelain, solid and unyielding and freezing cold, pressing against her back and completely lost her head. She howled and screeched, fighting uselessly against the unshakable strength of the two men. Her screams broke off abruptly when she felt the solid weight of her father's boot on her chest. He looked down at her dispassionately, one hand on the tap.

"It's bathtime."

Mairead was still screaming when she awoke. She struggled mindlessly against the hands that were clutching her shoulders.

"Mairead! Mairead, it's me!" said an urgent voice that most definitely did not belong to Snape. "It's Remus. You're safe."

Mairead's eyes focused. Remus was there, alive and breathing and not bleeding. All at once, Mairead felt the grief at what she thought had already happened transform into terror at what might yet happen. She threw her arms around Remus, crushing her face into his throat. She felt Remus wrap his arms around her, hugging her securely to his chest.

"It's all right," he crooned, rocking her gently back and forth. "It was just a dream. You're safe."

Mairead felt like screaming in fear. She could feel panic streaking through her veins, shrieking in her ears. She wanted to close her eyes and shut out the horrible thoughts that were slowly destroying her. Surely before too much longer, her fears would drive her mad. Surely before too much longer, her nightmares would become a reality. It was already happening.

"Sweet girl, your heart is racing," Remus said sympathetically. Shifting in Mairead's strangling embrace, he said, "Do you want to tell me about your dream?"

He was being so gentle, so caring, even though Mairead had shrieked in his ear, had struggled against his attempts to help her. He was being so patient, even after she had awoken him, night after night, with her screams of terror.

Shame flashed through her. Remus hadn't signed up for this. He didn't need this.

Mairead pulled away then, eyes averted. She wrapped her arms around herself self-consciously. "Sorry," she said hoarsely.

Remus ran a hand softly through her hair. "Are you all right?" he asked.

Mairead nodded. "Yeah," she lied. "I'm sorry. I didn't - you shouldn't have to do this. I'm sorry."

Remus laughed uncertainly. "What are you talking about?" he said. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

Mairead shook her head. "No, I - I can go sleep in the other room. I'm sorry I keep waking you like this."

She made to get out of bed but Remus reached out and stopped her. "May, don't be ridiculous," he said. "Stay here."

"No, but -" Mairead hesitated, then shook her head again. "I keep doing this. It isn't fair to you. You need sleep. You do so much guard stuff and spy stuff and you need sleep and -"

"Mairead." Remus's voice was stern, and Mairead bowed her head, feeling like a chastised student. "Look at me," he ordered.

It took Mairead a while to work up the courage, but eventually she looked up at Remus. A troubled frown was on his face. "I'm sorry," she breathed, for lack of anything else to say.

And then she was crying.

She tried to make a run for the door, hiding her face, not wanting Remus to see what a useless wreck she was anymore than he already had. Remus easily caught her and silently persuaded her to come back to his arms.

He held her like that was all he had ever wanted to do.

He cuddled her close, whispering soothing, caring things into her hair. Mairead remembered how he had looked in her dream, like he had gone down fighting, and she was more afraid than she had ever been in her life. If she lost him, it would be the worst thing in a long line of horrendous things that had happened to her. Several times, she tried to pull away and tell him how deeply she loved him, but she was blubbering so heavily as to render herself completely incoherent. Remus didn't seem to mind, though, kissing her face sweetly as though it weren't swollen and red and splotchy and covered in tears.

Her fear, her guilt, and her love for him swirled around each other until they formed a cyclone of emotion, and Mairead quickly worked herself into a frenzy. She began apologizing again for waking him, insisting he needed sleep or he would lose his edge and die.

Remus laughed at that. "If a few minutes of lost sleep here and there was all it took, I'd be long gone by now," he said.

Mairead did not like the sound of that at all, and tried to tear herself away again to go sleep in another room.

Remus pulled her away from him then, and looked her squarely in the eye. "Mairead," he said calmly and clearly. "If you want me to get sleep, then you have to stay here."

Mairead snuffled loudly. "Why?" she croaked, peering at him through streaming eyes.

Remus tilted his head slightly to the side in the way Mairead adored. "Because," he said, smiling crookedly at her, "I can't sleep without you anymore."

Mairead hiccoughed and gulped as she considered his words. She liked them more than she could ever say. After a while, she nodded and wiped her cheeks with her hands. "'Kay," she whispered.

Remus excused himself to the bathroom and came back a few seconds later with a glass of water and a cool cloth for her. Mairead guzzled the water, suddenly aware of her dehydration, and let Remus persuade her to hold the cloth to her cheeks until it warmed to her temperature. Then, Remus lay back, gently tugging her down with him.

Mairead tucked herself against his side silently, shame still coursing through her. She laid her hand on his firm stomach and felt it rise and fall as he breathed slowly and steadily. She tried to match her own breathing to his, tried to persuade her heart to slow down to his rhythm. But she could not shake the images from her nightmares. She could not convince herself that Remus's heart was not about to stop beating at any moment. She squeezed her eyes shut and pretended to be asleep. Sleep seemed impossible to her now, but there was no reason Remus had to go without, too. With any luck, he would believe she was asleep and drift off himself.

"There are places I'll remember

All my life, though some have changed,

Some forever not for better

Some have gone, and some remain.

"All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends. I still can recall,

Some are dead and some are living.

In my life, I've loved them all."

Mairead raised her head in surprise. Remus was looking up at the ceiling, stroking his fingers idly through her hair as he sang to her. His voice was gentle and soft. Mairead's heart skipped a beat. No one had ever sung to her before.

"But of all these friends and lovers,

There is no one compares with you.

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.

"Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that came before,

I know I'll often stop and think about them.

In my life, I love you more."

Mairead held her breath as Remus continued. She knew the song well. It was on the very first album by The Beatles he had ever played for her. She knew he was merely being faithful to the lyrics, but at the same time, this was the closest he had ever come to telling her he loved her. Feeling tears well in her eyes again, this time for a very different reason from the one before, she rested her head on his chest again, a feeling of peace washing over her and lulling her to sleep.

"Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that came before,

I know I'll often stop and think about them.

In my life, I love you more."

Mairead let her eyes drift closed. Just as she slipped off to sleep, she felt Remus press his lips into her hair and sing, "In my life, I love you more."

---

When she awoke the next morning, Mairead was surprised to find Remus still asleep. Remus normally awoke before Mairead, but would customarily lay quietly in bed beside her until she woke up. Mairead took advantage of this rare opportunity to look freely at Remus, as much as she wanted to.

It was a rare pleasure to see Remus so unguarded. He looked quite young when he slept. The faint lines that could normally be seen around his eyes were smooth, and the tension was gone from his jaw and shoulders. Mairead drank in the sight of him, loving everything about him. She decided to add Remus's eyelashes to the list of his features she adored. Her eyes roamed lovingly over his high cheekbones, his soft lips, his fluffy hair, currently mussed with sleep. She admired the light stubble growing on his face. She longed to run her hands over it, to let the rough hairs tickle her fingertips, but she knew that doing so would wake him, and she wanted him to be able to sleep.

She still felt guilty for waking him the night before. She hated how fragile she had been feeling of late. More and more, she felt like she was a burden to the Order. She worried that she was contributing nothing of substance, and was only causing extra work for everyone, but especially Remus. When she thought of all the extraordinary measures that had to be done for her - the lessons from Remus, Tonks, and now Sirius; the two rescue missions to save her after she had been marked for death; the extra trips and work that Dumbledore had to put in because she had thrown a fit over rescuing Sophie; and everything Remus was doing to try to keep her from losing her mind in captivity, not to mention how often her nightmares ruined his sleep, and how long he had to spend soothing and comforting her afterwards - she feared that she had no right to be in the Order, and was just expending resources that were needed elsewhere.

She had privately confided her feelings to Sirius, knowing that he would understand. He sympathized with her feelings of restlessness, and reassured her that she had done plenty for the Order.

"Think about those listening devices," he had reminded her. "Not to mention the small fact that you saved Arthur's life."

Feeling low, Mairead had confessed her long-held fear that everyone in the Order hated her - Bill, Fleur, and now Tonks, given how harsh she had been in their most recent conversation.

"Tonks is just hurting to see you and Remus together," Sirius had said bracingly. "I think she thought she was going to get another shot at him when he broke things off with you. It's not about you; it's about the fact that he chose you over Tonks. Twice."

"Maybe he shouldn't have," Mairead had muttered glumly.

"Hey." Sirius had put his arm around her shoulder and jostled her slightly. "Everyone wants you here. You were voted in, remember? And since then you've done a lot to help the Order... more than me, anyway."

Mairead had then anxiously turned her thoughts towards comforting Sirius, filled with regret that he had been stuck here for ages, whereas she - as Remus had pointed out last weekend - hadn't lasted an hour before losing it.

"Sickle for your thoughts?"

Mairead jumped and looked up from the feather she had pulled loose from the duvet and had been playing with. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" she asked anxiously.

Remus snorted. "How? By thinking too loudly?" he asked dryly, but quickly softened. "What's on your mind?"

"Oh... just..." Mairead trailed off, brushing the tip of the tiny feather against her lips pensively. "I guess I started off thinking about last night."

"Oh, May." Remus rolled onto his side and pushed himself up on one arm so that he could kiss her.

Mairead whimpered breathily. Remus tangled his hand in her hair, the sensation making Mairead shudder.

Just like that, the atmosphere shifted. It was astonishing to her, how readily her body responded to him, how little it took to get her thrumming with need to be closer.

Remus gently pressed her back into the mattress. Mairead clung to him, kissing every bit of him she could touch. She ran her hands over him, feeling his abdominal muscles shiver when she worked her fingers under his shirt.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"I lov-"

Remus crushed his mouth to hers again, making speech impossible.

They did not make it out of bed until the afternoon. They spent the entire morning making love. Remus played Mairead's body like an instrument, and in response, it sang for him. Lingering kisses, longing looks, and soft, insistent touches drove her over the edge again and again, until the morning was gone and they lay, shivering and spent, in each other's arms.

Mairead liked the idea of staying in bed all day, making love long into the night. But Remus insisted that they get up and practice dueling. He cajoled Mairead to get out of bed, and after a hasty snack, during which they endured endless teasing from Sirius for what could possibly have kept them so long, they went to the drawing room, where they worked up a different kind of sweat.

Remus was enormously pleased with the progress Mairead was making, though Mairead was not entirely sure why he felt that her besting him a handful of times out of the dozens they went up against one another was so significant. Sirius joined them after a while, at which time Remus had the thought of going two-on-one against Mairead. Mairead had abjectly hated the idea, but had agreed to it when she saw the excited glint in Sirius's eyes. She soundly got her arse kicked, but had to admit it had actually been spectacularly fun.

The sun was sinking in the sky when Remus checked his watch and announced that the meeting would be starting soon.

"You planning to shave the niffler off your face before it begins, Moony?" Sirius asked.

Remus ran a hand over his cheek and laughed. "I hadn't noticed I'd forgotten to shave," he admitted.

Mairead had noticed. She hadn't been about to say anything, though. Secretly, she thought he looked dead sexy with a bit of scruff.

"Hurry up," said Sirius. Then, with a mischievous glance over at Mairead, "Or maybe leave it. Gryffindor likes it."

Remus grinned over at her, even as Mairead's face caught fire. She refused to look at either man, even when Remus slipped his hand into hers and said, "Come upstairs with me. You can say good-bye to it."

"You don't have time for a shag!" Sirius called as they left the room. Mairead couldn't bring herself to look at him, but she could hear the glee in his voice. Remus, on the other hand, did not seem to share her embarrassment.

"I'll be the judge of that," Remus replied shamelessly over his shoulder.

Mairead was still blushing when they reached their room. She made to close the door after them, but Remus said, "Leave it open, would you please? That way Sirius can't accuse us of anything untoward." He dropped her a wink and sauntered off towards the en suite.

Remus had already removed his shirt when Mairead entered behind him. She held out a hand, silently offering to hold it for him while he shaved.

"Thanks very much," he said with a smile.

Mairead settled on the toilet lid and watched Remus apply shaving cream. She marveled at how he could make even the most mundane, everyday activities look powerfully alluring. She loved the way the muscles in his back moved and shifted as he worked. Her eyes were drawn to his reflection in the mirror. Specifically, she could not seem to tear her eyes away from the sight of his abdominal muscles, and the thin line of brown hair beneath his navel that disappeared inside his trousers. She had traced that line with her lips only that morning, and she felt a surge of lust as she replayed in her mind the breathless moans her explorations had elicited, the feeling of Remus's fingers gripping a fistful of her hair.

She glanced up at his face then and saw that his hands had paused. He was watching her watching him, an amused look on his face. Mairead saw her reflection turn red and looked down at the shirt in her lap. She could hear Remus laughing softly. He didn't have to say a word for her to know he was teasing her.

Remus reached for his razor. He tilted his chin up and Mairead looked back up at him as he made one slow, precise swipe up his throat with the blade. When he rinsed off the razor, Mairead quietly said, "You missed a spot."

Remus's brows contracted. "Oh?" he said, tipping his chin up and examining the clean line. "Where?" His eyes met Mairead's in the mirror's reflection. Mairead's mouth twitched as, with her hand, she made a gesture to indicate her entire face. Remus snorted and shook his head. He raised the blade to his face and made another stroke across his skin.

"You missed a spot," Mairead repeated.

This time she saw Remus's shoulders shake with suppressed laughter. He put down the razor and turned to face Mairead. "I did, did I?" he said.

Mairead did her best to maintain a serious facial expression as she nodded.

Remus crossed the short distance to the toilet. Mairead was already squealing before he seized her around the waist and began to rub his shaving cream-covered face all over hers. "Where?" he asked. "Where did I miss?"

Mairead shrieked with laughter and tried to shove his tickling fingers off her ribs, but he was relentless.

"Did I get it that time?" he asked, laughing as he vigorously used his own face to smear shaving cream all over Mairead's. "Did I get the spot, Mairead?"

Mairead was laughing so hard she couldn't make a sound, which perhaps was what allowed both of them to hear the quiet, "Erm," from the doorway.

Remus abruptly broke away from Mairead and they both looked over to see Tonks, who was standing in their bedroom looking into the bathroom. Mairead felt a slash of guilt at the look of sadness and longing on Tonks's face when she took in the sight of the two of them playing. In one move, Remus smoothly straightened up, grabbed a hand towel off a rack on the wall, and tossed it casually over his shoulder, hiding his scar. He smiled easily. "Hello, Tonks," he said in an easygoing voice. "What can we do for you?"

"Sorry," said Tonks, her eyes darting back and forth between Mairead and Remus. "The door was open, so I thought -" she gestured behind her with one hand, then shook her head. "Anyway. Snape's downstairs. He wants to talk to you, Mairead, before the meeting gets underway."

Mairead sat up straighter and pushed her shaving-cream sodden hair out of her face, trying to appear as relaxed as Remus was and deeply conscious of the fact she was not pulling it off at all. "Oh, okay," she said. "Thank you. I'll be right there."

Tonks nodded and shot one more covetous look at Remus before turning on her heel and leaving.

Mairead's mouth twitched unhappily. She hadn't the foggiest idea why Remus had chosen her over Tonks, but it was obvious the Auror was hurting over his decision.

She was brought out of her reverie by the man in question, though, who pulled the towel off his shoulder, handed it to Mairead, and dryly remarked, "You missed a spot."

---

Mairead fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat. She had been the topic of conversation for the Order meeting for the past thirty minutes, and she had hated every single, solitary second of it. Even being in her potions lab with Snape - who had brought an unprecedented mountain of ingredients for her to process and coolly told her he would be back for them first thing Monday morning - seemed preferable to listening to everyone talking about her.

She wasn't sure what was worse - the way Molly Weasley and Professor Sprout kept shooting pitying, worried looks over at her, or the unsettling, matter-of-fact way in which Moody led a conversation on all the various ways her father and his mates could try to capture and kill her, organized from most to least likely. The Order then weighed the pros and cons of keeping her at headquarters versus sending her away to Hogwarts.

"Well, the obvious plus side to keeping her here is that no one knows where she is," Bill pointed out.

"Yes, but that is tempered against the fact that the Death Eaters will be searching high and low for her," Kingsley countered. "That could mean an increase in the risk to Mairead's known associates."

"And, of course, the major benefit to sending her away to Hogwarts would be that everyone would know that she is under Dumbledore's protection," Flitwick spoke up. "What we would lose in secrecy we would gain in dissuasion."

"Does that open Hogwarts up to attack, though?" Mrs. Weasley asked, clearly thinking of her children.

Everyone looked to Snape at this. In Mairead's opinion, Snape looked a lot more smug about being asked for advice than was strictly called for, given that the reason everyone looked to him was because he was the only former Death Eater at the table. "I think it highly unlikely that The Dark Lord will make an attempt on Hogwarts just to get his hands on the likes of Miss O'Keefe," he said smoothly. "She is a target to be eliminated, it is true, but it is not as though she is of any real importance."

"Gee, thanks," Mairead muttered under her breath. She had said it quietly, but Remus had heard her. He put a hand on her back and moved it in slow, soothing circles.

"Sending her to Hogwarts might be the smarter move here, Dumbledore," said Doge.

"This is ridiculous," McGonagall snapped impatiently. "Has anyone thought to ask Mairead what she wants to do? She is in the room, after all."

Mairead gave McGonagall a tiny, grateful smile. This marked the first time anyone had acknowledged that she was actually present for this conversation.

"Mairead has expressed the desire to stay here at Grimmauld Place," Dumbledore answered. "And I see no reason not to permit her to remain here at this time. She is, of course, welcome to change her mind at any point."

"Any updates on the other girl?" Kingsley inquired. "Rosier's daughter?"

"Yes," said Dumbledore. "Filius can update us on Ms. Rosier."

Mairead perked up. The last she had heard was that Flitwick had written to Ansel.

"I contacted a former Ravenclaw Prefect who is also an alum of St. Hedwig's," Flitwick explained. "He is currently working for the British Ministry's Embassy in France, where there are multiple job openings. I was discreet about it, but I suggested he reach out to Ms. Rosier regarding these openings. According to a letter I received today, Ms. Rosier has applied for a position and is currently in Paris interviewing."

"With any luck, she will be out of the immediate threat of harm shortly," Dumbledore concluded, giving Mairead a warm smile.

Mairead had a lot of trouble swallowing then, and looked down at the blurry table until she got herself under control.

The topic pivoted then, but to her dismay, the conversation was still about her. Remus and Moody filled the Order in on their plan to get rid of Mairead's car. Remus would drive the car to a remote part of a forest, the exact location of which would be known only to himself and Moody. There, he would transfigure the car into a pine cone and bury it. He would be leaving shortly after the meeting ended. Once he disposed of the car, he would spend the next twenty-four hours visiting various locations around the United Kingdom to throw off the scent of anyone who may have followed him, not returning to Grimmauld Place until Monday afternoon. Mairead noticed Sirius and Tonks were both rolling their eyes and smiling indulgently at this elaborate plan, but Mairead was secretly relieved that Remus would be taking such pains not to get caught. Her dream from the previous night flashed before her eyes and she shivered involuntarily.

When the meeting ended, Remus leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss into her hair. "I'd better get going," he told her, looking at her closely. "Will you be all right here?"

Mairead knew he wasn't asking about her physical well-being. She forced a smile and nodded. "Snape dropped off a boatload of potions ingredients I need to sort out," she said. "And he's coming back for them first thing Monday. I'll probably be working on them nonstop and will be too busy to sleep, anyway."

Remus nodded, but he still looked concerned. "I'll be back Monday afternoon," he promised her. He took her hand, raised it to his lips, and kissed her knuckles.

Mairead still could not get over the abject bliss that was having Remus express affection for her in front of others, instead of requiring them to sneak around in the dead of night. Even the simple matter of being able to sit next to him at meetings and meals was heaven for her.

"Oh, you won't even stay for dinner, Remus?" asked Mrs. Weasley when Remus pushed his chair back and stood.

"I'm afraid not," said Remus. "But thank you anyway, Molly."

Mrs. Weasley smiled indulgently at him. "We'll take good care of Mairead while you're gone," she promised him.

Mairead did not like the sound of that. With her luck, "good care" would mean dozens of uncomfortable, probing questions and constant sympathetic looks. She practically jumped to her feet herself. "I'll walk you out!" she offered, a little too loudly.

Remus twitched an eyebrow at her. His face was otherwise impassive, making Mairead suspect she was the only one who knew he was poking fun at her.

"You wouldn't be trying to avoid dinner with the Order, now would you?" he muttered to her as they climbed the stairs.

Mairead looked over her shoulder at him so that he could see her rolling her eyes. "I just figured I'd get a jump start on those potions ingredients."

"I hope you won't work too late," said Remus sympathetically.

Mairead tried to shrug casually, but her nonchalant air was belied by the huge yawn that overtook her just at the thought of all the work that awaited her in her lab. "It'll be a good distraction," she insisted. "Are you sure you feel comfortable driving? I could go with you - just to drive, so you wouldn't have to."

Remus smiled sadly. "I'm sure you wouldn't mind a chance to give it a farewell drive," he said sympathetically. "But I think you'd better stay here and let me handle it."

Mairead's lips twitched. She took a deep breath and said, "Do you need a refresher or anything?" Remus opened his mouth to argue, but Mairead quickly explained, "I mean a verbal refresher. Do you have any questions or anything?"

"No, thank you," he said. "You are an excellent teacher. You were quite thorough over the summer."

Mairead smiled sadly at the memory. "That was a good day," she said, her voice quivering a little.

Remus leaned forward and pressed a long, firm kiss into her hair. "Any day you're in is a good day to me," he murmured.

Not long after, Mairead kissed her keys good-bye and handed them over to Remus.

Remus reached a hand up and cupped her face. "I'll see you on Monday," he said softly.

Mairead leaned into his touch, closing her eyes at the feeling of his warm, slender hand. Remus dropped a far too brief kiss onto her lips before turning away to let himself out. Mairead waited until he left, then started up the stairs.

---

The sky was lightening outside the windows by the time Mairead tipped the last of the ingredients into its jar and closed the lid. She felt as though every breath became a yawn. She had started to count them, but this had turned out to have an effect akin to counting sheep, and she'd had to stop. She had been working on Snape's potions ingredients since Sunday morning. She had thought she would finish them in plenty of time, but that was before she saw the absurdly precise steps Snape had laid out for her to follow. As it was, she had worked the entire day and straight on through the night.

She washed her hands thoroughly, then splashed some cold water onto her face. She still had to clean up her knives, scales, and work surfaces before she could declare herself done. She checked her watch. Snape had said he would be there by seven. Mairead was just thinking to herself that if she hurried she might be able to catch an hour or two of sleep before he came when the door opened without a knock.

"Professor Snape," Mairead greeted the Potions Master, feeling irritated at being caught off-guard. "Bit early, aren't you?"

Snape looked taken aback at finding Mairead in the room. "I am a busy man, Miss O'Keefe," he said sourly. "I hardly have hours upon hours to waste, unlike you and your bosom friend, Black. I'll just take what you have ready and I shall simply have to -"

Snape broke off as he took in the sight of all of his ingredients, not only completed but in their containers, neatly labeled, and packed up and ready to go.

"You should be all set," Mairead said in a falsely sweet voice. She harnessed her stubbornness to make her appear more awake and alert than she actually was.

Snape did not reply. He was still staring at the table laden with bottles, jars, and jugs. Mairead suppressed a smile. He clearly had not expected her to get so much done in the time he had given her.

"Is anything the matter?" she asked, enjoying herself to the fullest extent she could muster on so little sleep.

Snape blinked. "No," he said. "This will do to be getting on with." He swept a hand at the table and the ingredients vanished. This was not the first time Mairead had seen Snape use this particular spell. She ached to know how exactly he was transporting them, but it had been quite a while since she'd last had the upper hand on Snape. Even satisfying her curiosity was not worth losing this edge.

Reflecting on it later, Mairead could not be sure what made her say what she did to Snape. Perhaps it was the sleep deprivation tampering with her judgment. Perhaps it was the high she was feeling from accomplishing a highly taxing task. Perhaps it was the fact that she had been feeling vulnerable and low and cooped up and useless, and desperately in need of a win. Whatever it was, in the days and weeks to come, Mairead would look back on this moment and curse everyone, everything, every circumstance that had led up to her saying what she did.

"Happy?" she said, folding her arms and fighting down a smug smile.

"With what?" Snape retorted. "A Third Year with nimble fingers could manage what you did."

Mairead snorted. "I think we both know that's not true," she boasted. She twitched her eyebrows. "Bet you wish you hadn't voted against me being in the Order now, don't you?"

Snape's eyes narrowed ever-so-slightly. "Excuse me?" he said.

But he didn't sound angry. If anything, he sounded intrigued.

"It's fine," Mairead shrugged. "I know you didn't want me in the Order."

Had she been a Seer, perhaps she could have predicted why, exactly, Snape's features suddenly took on an inner light, as though she had just said something that tickled him. But she was not a Seer. She was just a sad, pathetic, injudicious, naïve little fool.

"Oh, really?" Snape asked, his head twitching to one side. "And what makes you say that?"

"It was a vote of twenty-one to one," Mairead reminded him. She may not have been in the room, but she recalled this fact with the precision that only comes from having one's feelings hurt. "I know you voted against me."

Snape's lips curled up at the edges, like paper charring in a fire. "Is that what he told you?" he said, looking cruelly delighted. "That I was the one who voted against your membership in the Order?"

Mairead's smile wavered. "D-didn't you?" she faltered.

Snape laughed unpleasantly. "My dear girl, if you want to get yourself tortured and murdered, who am I to stop you?" he said. Then, with a small shrug, "I suppose this does explain a few things. I had wondered how exactly, with all your stubborn, obstinate pride, you could bring yourself to part your knees for someone who never wanted you here in the first place. Who single-handedly tried to turn the entire Order against you. I suppose the fact that he waited until you were out of the room to turn on you should have clued me in. I always thought you were just making the best out of a bad situation. But now I see that that was what he was doing."

Mairead felt rooted to the spot, like the floorboards had sprouted vines that were twining around her feet and ankles and were now working their way up her torso, squeezing her, constricting her lungs. "What are you saying?" she whispered, though she already knew.

Snape laughed again. "You really didn't know?" he asked, nearly crowing at this news. He shook his head. "You silly, stupid little girl. He did everything in his power to get you thrown out. He doesn't want you here. He never has. He's been against you from the beginning. Even Black seemed astonished by his treachery, though I don't know why... that's just the way werewolves are."

Mairead could not be sure if the image of Snape standing before her was starting to blur because her eyes were filling with tears, or because the very fabric of her world was being rent before her eyes.

"I almost feel sorry for you," Snape continued, though his voice sounded too gleeful for that to be true. "So alone, so pathetic. So ready to put your trust in those who only wish to use you. There really isn't a single soul in the world who truly wants you."

Mairead wanted to retort. She wanted to say something cutting, something harsh and irrefutable. But there was no way she could fight back against any of what Snape was saying, not if she were being honest with herself. What he was saying rang true. It resonated with everything Mairead had always believed about herself, the things she had recently allowed herself to believe might not be true - that she was an unwanted, that she was foolish and stupid, that she had no one whom she could trust.

That ultimately she was better off alone.

So she just stood there, arms hugging around her middle as if all of her innards would spill out and pool at Snape's feet if she let go.

"Well," said Snape perfunctorily, "I can see you have a lot to be getting on with. I shall excuse myself. Do let me know if you no longer feel yourself up to this task. I'm sure I can find a Third Year who could take your place. It would hardly be challenging."

He swept out the door, and it felt to Mairead as though he took all the oxygen in the room out with him.

---

Sirius awoke to the sound of pounding on his bedroom door. Rubbing his bleary eyes vigorously, he snatched up his wand and crossed the room to the door in only a few strides. He pulled the door open to find Mairead, shifting her weight from foot to foot and hugging herself with one arm, the other arm poised to knock again. She looked the picture of agitation.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked urgently.

"Who voted against me?" she asked in a low voice.

"Excuse me?"

"Who voted against my joining the Order?"

Sirius's stomach felt funny. His mind raced to find a way to get ahead of this.

Mairead grew tired of waiting. "You said the vote was twenty-one to one, right?" she snapped. "Who was the one?"

Sirius's mouth formed a tight, thin line. "I think you know the answer to that already," he said resignedly. "Otherwise you wouldn't be here asking."

Sirius had not been aware of how much hope Mairead was clutching onto until he watched it evaporate from between her fingers. She actually seemed to grow smaller right in front of him. "Why don't you come in?" he suggested. "I can explain in here."

But Mairead did not move. "Contact Dumbledore," she ordered.

Sirius frowned. "Why?"

"Because I can't," Mairead said. "So I need you to send Dumbledore a Patronus and tell him I want to talk to him."

"What do you think he's going to do?" asked Sirius. "He knows what happened - he was there. You weren't, though, and I think if you just -" He started to back up into his room but was brought up short by the accusatory tone in Mairead's voice.

"Yes, but you were, weren't you?" she countered. "You were there the whole time. You saw the whole meeting. You were there for the vote. You knew Remus voted against me. You've known this entire time. And yet you - you helped him cover it up. You've just stood by while he lied to me, for months. You've let me... parade around like a lovesick fool, knowing all the while that I was in love with someone who would stab me in the back like this! Someone who didn't even want me here!"

"That's not true!" said Sirius sharply. "Mairead, you've got it all wrong. Where did you hear about this, anyway?" Mairead set her jaw in a way that told Sirius he was not going to like what she said.

"Snape told me."

Sirius laughed derisively. "Snivellus? You're honestly taking his word over mine? Why were you even talking to him about this?"

Mairead's arms tightened protectively around her chest. "Why was I talking to him?" she repeated. "Why was I talking to him? That's your question? 'Cause that's not my fucking question! My question is: why the fuck did you LIE TO ME?!"

"I didn't lie to you!" Sirius's voice was rising alongside Mairead's.

"YOU TOLD ME SNAPE WAS THE ONE WHO VOTED AGAINST ME!"

"No, I didn't!" Sirius insisted, but he could not meet her eyes as he spoke, and the volume of his voice sank until he was merely mumbling. "You assumed he did. All I did was... not... correct you."

Mairead stared at him, mouth open, lips curled in disgust. "Oh, so that makes it all better?" she said hoarsely. She looked away then, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth. When she looked back, her eyes were shining with tears. "How could you?"

Sirius huffed out a breath. Somehow, the quiet grief that was poking through the cracks in her anger was even worse than the ferocity of her temper. When she spoke again, Sirius honestly thought it would have been better had she cursed him.

"I thought you were my friend."

Sirius stared at the ground. "I'm sorry," was all he could force out. He could hear the soft sounds of Mairead beginning to cry.

"Please contact Dumbledore for me," she said, her voice strained and wobbly. "Tell him I want to go to Hogwarts."

---

Remus wearily walked up Grimmauld Place. He looked around the grungy street before furtively pulling out his wand and letting himself into number twelve. He was looking forward with almost ravenous anticipation to curling up in bed with Mairead. He knew she must have spent hours upon hours working on Snape's potions ingredients, and would be ready for a long catnap, herself. Her nightmares were so intense that she frequently chose to stay up all night the nights he was gone, rather than face her dreams alone. Usually she was waiting for him on the stairs when he came in.

When Remus walked inside, he saw that someone was, in fact, waiting for him, and a smile had already formed on his face before his mind registered the fact that it was Sirius, not Mairead, and that his best friend was looking foreboding.

"Moony," said Sirius the moment the door was shut. "You have to go talk to Mairead right now. It's urgent."

Remus stopped right in the middle of doing up one of the more advanced locks. It flipped open in his hand, smacked him hard across the mouth, dropped to the floor, and scuttled away like a crab to hide behind the umbrella stand. "What is it?" he asked, ignoring the pain blossoming across his face at the blow.

Sirius's jaw tightened. "Snape told her you voted against her joining the Order. He told her you never wanted her here."

Remus's mouth fell open in mute chagrin. Without another word, he started up the stairs, taking them two at a time. He braced himself outside the door to their room. He expected to find Mairead furiously angry, or worse: crying.

He had not, however, expected to find her packing.

Remus froze in the doorway, eyes taking in the sight of Mairead carrying an armful of clothing from the closet - the closet Remus had delightedly made room for her inside only a few weeks ago - over to the bed, where her duffel lay, already partially full.

"May," he said bleakly.

He saw Mairead's shoulders stiffen. She paused for a fraction of a second before continuing on towards the bed and proceeding to stuff her clothing into the bag.

"I can explain," Remus tried.

Mairead released a shaky breath. Then, she headed for the bookcase. Remus had stacked his books two deep on the shelf to make room for her collection. He loved seeing them on the shelves together; the sight of their reading interests mingling provided a feeling of such casual domesticity that it took his breath away. He could not let her take herself away from him like this. He had to fix this.

"Mairead, please," he said, stepping forward into the room and trying to arrest her progress. She twisted her body to dance out of reach of his hands and scurried past him back to the bed. "Mairead. Please! Don't go back upstairs over this."

Finally, Mairead spoke. "I'm not going back upstairs," she said, avoiding his eyes. "I'm going to Hogwarts."

It felt as though someone had just opened a trapdoor that Remus had been standing on top of. "What?" he breathed.

Mairead did not answer. Remus stepped over to Mairead and placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to get her to look at him.

"Mairead, no - don't leave. Please. I can explain!"

To his shock, Mairead stopped. With what looked like great effort, she calmly placed her books down on the bed. "Okay," she said, staring him right in the eye. "Explain."

Remus opened his mouth, but found he was without words. Mairead waited a few moments, then scoffed and rolled her eyes. "So much for that," she muttered. She picked up her books again and began laying them neatly on top of her clothing, nestling them in carefully to protect the covers and spines.

"Mairead, stop!" said Remus, laying a hand over the remaining books.

"You lied to me!" Mairead snarled, shoving his hand off her books. "You deceived me! You - you tricked me into thinking that you - that I - that - that -" With a wordless growl, she broke away from him and headed back for another armload of books.

"I wasn't trying to trick you!" Remus said.

"Then WHAT were you trying to do?!" shouted Mairead.

"I was trying to help you! The Order is a dangerous organization, Mairead!"

"And your solution to that was to turn them all against me?!"

"I wasn't trying to turn them against you," said Remus. "I was -"

"Snape said you were the only one against my membership in the whole room!" Mairead cried. "You even fought Sirius to try to keep me out. Why?"

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but Mairead wasn't done, and cut him off.

"Okay, so you don't want me in the Order. You don't think I can be trusted, you think I'm worthless and don't have anything to offer - fine. Fine. But - but why take up with me? Why sleep with me? W-what were you trying to gain? Were you - were you just... were you just using me because I was there? Because you knew how badly I wanted you and you thought, 'what the hell?'"

"Sweetheart, no."

"Then - then why? Why did you do what you did?"

The fury on Mairead's face wavered then, and she looked so young and lost that Remus wanted to be struck dead for putting that look on her face. Remus closed his eyes. "I made a mistake," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah? Well, so did I."

Remus's eyes snapped open. The vulnerability that had been on Mairead's face seconds earlier had hardened back into a cold fury. "Mairead," he said in disbelief. It wasn't like her to be this harsh, this unforgiving. "Can't you see that I've changed? Haven't I proven to you that I've changed?"

Mairead's eyebrows twitched. "You've proven what an excellent liar you are," she said.

A fist clenched around Remus's heart. "I made a mistake," he repeated. "I admit that. But I had your best interests at heart. I was afraid of what might happen to you. I was trying to look out for you."

Mairead laughed humorlessly. "By throwing me under the manticore?"

"By keeping you out of the line of fire," said Remus. He took a tentative step towards her. "Mairead, I care about you. I always have. I've told you that. I didn't want anything to happen to you."

"So you happened to me instead?" she said evenly.

That felt like a punch to the stomach. "Mairead, please," he tried again. "You have to understand. I -"

"What I understand is that you betrayed me," Mairead interrupted him. "What I understand is that you've never been on my side at all. You - you've done nothing but lie to me all year! Everything that's happened between us since I joined the Order has been a lie. Every kiss, every touch, every -" she gestured wildly at the bed. "It's all been a lie!"

Remus shook his head and reached for her entreatingly. "No, it hasn't been a lie," he said. "That's all been real."

"How can it have been real?" Mairead shot back. "I didn't know whom I was getting into bed with! How - how could I consent to what we did when I didn't have all the information I needed to make an informed decision?!"

Remus stopped short at that. "Mairead," he said, though he did not have an ending to that sentence picked out.

"You tricked me!" Mairead was advancing on him now. "You manipulated me! You made me think you were my friend! You made me think you were on my side!"

"I was on your side!" Remus insisted. "I'm still on your side! Sometimes I feel like I'm the onlyperson who is on your side!"

"NO!" Mairead cried, her cheeks flushing as she grew angrier at him. "How can you say you were on my side? How can you say that when you acted so completely contrarily to my wishes?"

"I was trying to protect you!"

For one moment, Mairead looked like she was ready to start hurling her books at Remus's face. Instead, she forcefully sat them down on top of the bookcase and shouted, "I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR PROTECTION, REMUS! I HAVE NEVER ASKED YOU TO PROTECT ME! YOU DID THAT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!"

Remus felt his own anger flicker to life. "Now I need permission to protect you?" he said incredulously. "You can't possibly be serious. I was the only person in that room defending you! The Order is dangerous, Mairead! You cannot honestly stand there and tell me you haven't noticed. Look at what has already happened as a result of your membership. Voldemort is hunting you down. His followers - including your father - are scouring the country looking for you."

Mairead clenched her hands into fists. "I'm not afraid!" she shouted defiantly.

Remus laughed before he could stop himself. "You're not afraid?" he said, a scathing note entering his tone. "You are really trying to tell me that you're not afraid. That - that the woman who wakes, screaming in the night three nights out of four isn't afraid? You can't bear to be in here when I'm drawing a bath in the next room! You can even hear his name without getting scared: Voldemort."

As he had predicted, Mairead flinched. Remus watched the resentment come into her expression at his low blow. "None of that matters!" she snapped. "It was my choice! Mine - not yours! And you did everything in your power to take it away from me!"

"I did everything in my power to keep you alive!" Remus retorted, his own voice beginning to rise. "And you're leaving me because of that? What are you looking for in a partner, Mairead? Someone who actively wants you dead?"

"Someone who respects me enough to let me make my own decisions!"

"How am I supposed to stand by and do that, when your decisions are going to lead to your death?"

"It's my life!" Mairead shouted, clenching her hands into fists. "You don't own me! You don't get to control me! You don't get to tell me what to do with MY OWN CHOICES!"

Fury settled over Remus like ice. "Fine," he said coldly. "You made your choice, Mairead. And I made mine. My choice was to try to protect you. To try to save you from your own reckless tendencies toward self-destruction. My choice was to fight with everything I had to keep you out of the Order, when everyone else in the room was content to watch you blithely walk into your doom. And your choice is to hate me for being the only one who cared about you enough to try to save you. Your choice is to run away instead of staying here with me and working this out like adults."

"What is there to work out?" Mairead asked, her voice cracking. "You're not even trying to see things from my perspective! If you had the thing to do over again, you'd do exactly what you did before. You don't care about me! All you care about is what you want! All you want to do is use me for your own ends!"

"You know what? You're wrong," Remus snapped. "If I had it to do over again, I would do something differently." Mairead folded her arms and looked at him haughtily. Hurt had its claws thoroughly in Remus now, and he knew his own eyes were flashing just as hers were. "If I had it to do over again, I would try even harder to keep you out of the Order! I would go person to person and convince each and every member of the Order to vote against you. I wouldn't stop until you were a thousand miles away from Grimmauld Place and everyone in it."

Mairead clapped a hand over her mouth, stifling a sob. Tears filled her eyes and she turned her back to him, leaving Remus with nothing to look at but the way her shoulders shook and heaved as she cried in near silence. Remus clenched his fists and forced himself not to go to her, not to touch her.

"Well, congratulations," she choked out. "You got what you wanted. I'm going as far away from Grimmauld Place as I can get. It's not quite a thousand miles but then I've always come up short, haven't I?"

Her words hit him like knives. "Please don't, Mairead," he said. "I'm sorry. This is why I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't understand. I knew you'd be hurt."

Mairead turned back around. "That's what you regret?" she asked. Her eyes darted around the room desperately. "Not that you lied to me, not that you manipulated me, not that you did what you did. But that I found out?" She scoffed and roughly wiped the tears off her face, disgust written all over her. "You really do want me out of the Order, don't you?"

Remus tightened his mouth. "Yes," he said shortly.

Mairead's breath hitched. "Why?"she begged. "Even - even knowing what you know now? Didn't I - didn't I contribute anything to the Order in your eyes?"

"It's not that," Remus bit out through clenched teeth.

"Then what is it?"

"It's not worth it," Remus said. "Whatever you've done, whatever you've contributed, it's not worth the price."

Mairead blinked at him in confusion. "But... but I made the listening devices," she said. "We've - haven't we gathered some good intelligence from them? And I've made the Wolfsbane Potion for you every month."

"I don't care," said Remus shortly. "I'd rather go without both."

Mairead wrapped her arms around herself again. "I - I saved Mr. Weasley's life. Dumbledore said that - that if it hadn't been for me, Mr. Weasley would have died."

Remus looked off to one side. "I don't care," he repeated. He felt he was being backed into a corner and he did not like it at all.

Mairead gaped at him, astonishment mingling with hurt. "You'd let Mr. Weasley die, just so you wouldn't have to have me around?" she whispered. "You hate me that much?"

Frustration and guilt collided inside Remus and caused him to combust. "GODDAMMIT, MAIREAD, I DON'T HATE YOU! I L-" He broke off just in time.

"THEN WHY?!" Mairead screamed. "You're telling me that you would rather Mr. Weasley had died, just so I wasn't in the Order?!"

"Yes!"

"WHY?!"

Remus narrowed his eyes at Mairead. "Do I really have to spell it out for you?" he spat resentfully.

Mairead's mouth tightened bitterly. "Yeah, I guess you do," she sneered.

Something snapped inside Remus. He charged towards Mairead and grabbed her by her shoulders. Mairead was caught off-guard and stumbled backwards until Remus had her pushed up against the bookcase. He wrapped one hand tightly around her back, combed his fingers through her hair with the other, and crushed his mouth to hers.

He kissed her brutally, like he had never kissed her before. He was beyond reason, beyond ration. Pain and torment were shrieking in his ears. His only thought was being as close to Mairead as possible, showing her what he could not bring himself to tell her.

His mind had only just dimly registered that Mairead was struggling against him when she got both of her hands on his chest and shoved him powerfully. He broke the kiss and looked at her in confusion just as she cupped one hand and hit him hard on the ear.

Remus saw stars. He staggered away from Mairead, clutching at his ringing ear and not entirely sure what had just happened.

Mairead was gasping for breath, and she looked livid. "Don't ever touch me again without my permission!"

Remus's hand fell away from his sore ear. "I don't have your permission to touch you anymore?" he asked.

"No!" she snarled.

His response was automatic, honed from years of rejection and ostracism. Without even having to think about it, his face was wiped blank of all emotion. Without even having to try, his walls came up around him, sealing him off from her, protecting his heart from her. "Very well," he said briskly. He saw Mairead look at him sharply, and knew that she understood what was happening. "I'm sorry you've been so unhappy here, Mairead. I hope you find great contentment at Hogwarts and wish you all the best."

For one, infinitesimal moment, Mairead wavered. He saw it. Then, she blinked, her resolve hardening, and Remus saw that his reaction was still another way he had let her down. "I just need a few more minutes to finish up packing," she said, avoiding his gaze. "Dumbledore is picking me up this evening."

Remus could feel his hands shaking, but he forced himself to nod. "I'll give you your space," he said, satisfied with how neutral he sounded. He nodded courteously to her, turned on his heel, and walked out of the room, shutting the door softly behind him. He walked downstairs to the basement kitchen, where instinct told him Sirius would be waiting.

Sirius took one look at his face and reached for the bottle of Firewhisky. "Feel like a drink, Moony?" he asked softly.

Remus tried to look nonchalant, like he didn't much care either way if Mairead stayed or went. He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged with a small smile. But then his fingers found Mairead's car keys. He had saved them, brought them home for her to keep. All at once, it was as though his entire relationship with Mairead flashed before his eyes, every kiss, every sweet smile, every caress of her hands, and for a moment it felt like the wolf was going to burst out of his skin and begin howling in grief at the enormity of what he had just lost.

"Why stop at one?" he replied.

---

Mairead sat on the stairs and picked listlessly at the dry skin around her fingernails. Dumbledore was late. He had told her he would be there at six o'clock, but by Mairead's watch it was already half past. She was grateful that she had seen neither Remus nor Sirius since she had emerged from her former bedroom, clutching her duffel bag and still sniffling. After Remus had left, she had cried so hard she had actually made herself sick. Afterwards, she had cleaned the bathroom until it shone and she was satisfied that she had wiped all evidence that she had been crying from her face.

She was reaching into her pocket for the note that had arrived with a phoenix feather earlier that day when the door began to unlock itself and Dumbledore stepped inside.

"Professor Dumbledore. Hi," she said, standing and nervously wiping her palms on the legs of her jeans.

Dumbledore bowed his head courteously. "Good evening, Mairead," he said. "I take it you have not changed your mind? You still wish to go to Hogwarts?"

Mairead swallowed past the lump that was still in her throat. "Yes, please," she breathed. "If it's not too much trouble."

Dumbledore eyed her seriously. "I have no wish to intrude on your own free will," he said. "But I do wonder whether you have communicated your decision to... all parties?"

Mairead thought this was a pretty delicate way of asking whether she had broken up with Remus. "I have," she said.

Dumbledore looked at her for a long moment. Realistically it could not have lasted for more than a few seconds, but to Mairead it felt as though it lasted days. "I am afraid I neglected to tell you earlier that, while you are most welcome to come to Hogwarts, once you are there, there you must remain," he said. "It would not do for you to come out of hiding and show yourself to be under the protection of Hogwarts, only to change your mind and come back here. You will, of course, still be invited to attend Order meetings at headquarters, but with the understanding that you will return to Hogwarts after we adjourn. With that in mind, are you sure you wish to accompany me back to school?" He paused and eyed her shrewdly. "Are you sure that, whatever has happened, you wish to take a step you cannot take back?"

Mairead hesitated. She thought of the long months stretching out ahead of her: walking the familiar halls of Hogwarts, which to so many students felt like home but which to her had so often felt like a torture trap. She thought of the way she would feel like even more of an outsider than she had when she was a student: for now she would not even have the role of student to justify her presence there. She thought of only seeing Remus once a week from across the kitchen table.

But then she thought of staying here, in hiding, dashing from her old bedroom to her potions lab to her snow-covered rooftop garden. She thought of darting around corners and ducking into empty rooms when she saw Remus coming. She thought of meals at odd hours and months or even years of isolation, without even Sirius to call a friend anymore. She thought, not of only seeing Remus once a week but of having to see him every day.

"Yes, I'm sure," she said quietly but firmly.

Dumbledore looked at her solemnly. "Very well. Let us go."

Mairead hefted her bag onto one shoulder and nodded. "How are we getting there, sir?"

"We will Apparate to The Leaky Cauldron," Dumbledore said. "From there, we shall Floo to The Hog's Head in Hogsmeade, and we shall walk the rest of the way."

Mairead followed Dumbledore out the door and waited while he tapped the door with his wand, redoing the locks. He nodded once at Mairead, and the two turned on their heels, reappearing inside The Leaky Cauldron.

"Back already, Headmaster?" asked Tom the innkeeper with a toothless smile.

"Just passing through on a quick errand this evening, Tom," Dumbledore replied. He gestured with an arm for Mairead to go ahead of him to the fireplace, dropping a few Knuts onto the desk in front of Tom as he went. "For the Floo Powder," he explained to Mairead.

Mairead nodded vaguely, but was distracted with looking all around her in fear. This was the first time she had been out in public since going into hiding. Her eyes darted nervously around the room, seeking out familiar faces from her past.

"After you," Dumbledore said, offering her the dish of Floo Powder that was resting atop the mantel.

"Thank you," she said in a small voice, still looking anxiously over her shoulder even as she tossed the powder into the flames and stepped inside.

Mairead squeezed her eyes and mouth shut and held her breath while the fireplaces of Wizarding London whizzed by. When the air stopped whooshing around her, she stumbled out of the fireplace and into the dingy, dank inn, waiting for Dumbledore. It was far easier to search the crowds here, as there were only a few people sitting around, but Mairead knew from listening to Remus that being in a less crowded area was not necessarily safer. She let out a relieved breath when Dumbledore stepped out of the fireplace, brushing soot off his bottle green robes as he did.

"Aberforth," Dumbledore nodded courteously at the innkeeper, again gesturing for Mairead to go ahead of him.

"Albus," the innkeeper replied unsmilingly.

Mairead's eyebrows went up. She didn't know that many people who were on first-name basis with Professor Dumbledore. And yet, Aberforth did not seem too happy to see Dumbledore.

"Sir?" she asked a bit breathlessly as they exited The Hog's Head and began making their way up the streets of Hogsmeade towards the gates of Hogwarts. Dumbledore was walking quite quickly and Mairead had to trot to keep up with him. "Do you - sorry - do you know that man?"

"Aberforth?" Dumbledore clarified. "Oh, yes. Aberforth is my brother."

"Woah! What?" Mairead cried. She looked back over her shoulder at the rapidly shrinking awning to The Hog's Head, as though she expected to be able to see a family resemblance between the headmaster of Hogwarts and the image of a hog with an apple in its mouth on the sign. "I didn't know you had a brother! Do you have any other siblings?"

"I very much wish to avoid sounding rude," said Dumbledore, walking still faster and giving Mairead a newfound appreciation for how very tall the wizard was, "but I am afraid I am needed back at Hogwarts somewhat urgently. I shall be delighted to answer your questions at another time."

"Oh! Sure. Yeah. Sorry."

By the time they passed through the gates onto Hogwarts grounds, Mairead was jogging to keep pace with Dumbledore's long strides. Her duffel bag was thumping against her side uncomfortably, causing her breath to leave her in undignified-sounding humphs. She wondered what new crisis was unfolding at Hogwarts that was causing this level of haste.

Mairead was quite out of breath by the time they reached the stone steps to the castle. Dumbledore paused at the stop of the stairs and turned to face Mairead. "I received word just as I was leaving to come and get you," he explained, not sounding even remotely winded by their rapid trek from Hogsmeade. "Which is why I was late. It appears that Dolores has been, shall we say, flexing her Ministerial muscles. I think, if we are quite clever about it, we will be able to use her actions to our advantage, but I must beg you to... what is it the kids are saying these days? Roll with it?"

"Er -"

With that, Dumbledore waved a hand and the enormous oaken doors to the castle swung open. Mairead could see that a crowd of students and faculty alike had formed in the entrance hall. Professor McGonagall had her arm around a woman Mairead couldn't quite identify because her face was obscured behind a large handkerchief she was blowing her nose into. Mairead caught the tail end of what McGonagall was saying.

"It's not as bad as you think, now... You are not going to have to leave Hogwarts..."

"Oh really, Professor McGonagall?" Mairead's head shot over at the deadly sweet voice she remembered from years ago, when its owner had visited Hogwarts in her months long campaign to get Mairead expelled. "And your authority for that statement is...?"

"That would be mine," Dumbledore spoke up from next to Mairead.

All heads turned to Dumbledore as he walked into the middle of the crowd and stood in solidarity beside the crying teacher hunched atop of her trunk. Umbridge began to argue with him in her girly voice that set Mairead's teeth on edge. As she watched, she saw the crying teacher lower her hands to watch the back-and-forth and Mairead saw that it was Professor Trelawney, the ostentatious Divination teacher.

Well, I mean, she's actually not a very good teacher, so, she rationalized. Wait - did I just agree with Umbridge?

Giving her head a shake to remove all thoughts of being in accord with Umbridge, Mairead focused in on the conversation, which appeared to be on whether or not Trelawney would be allowed to stay on Hogwarts grounds even though she had been sacked. As she watched, Professor Dumbledore addressed McGonagall.

"Might I ask you to escort Sybill back upstairs, Professor McGonagall?"

"Of course. Up you get, Sybill," McGonagall said in a surprisingly soothing voice.

Mairead watched, eyes wide, as Professors Sprout and Flitwick both hurried forward to help Trelawney back up to her quarters. In the silence that followed, Mairead's eyes were drawn irresistibly towards Umbridge, who looked - there was really no other word for it - pissed.

"And what are you going to do with her once I appoint a new Divination teacher who needs her lodgings?" she asked Dumbledore in a whisper.

Dumbledore smiled mildly at her. "Oh, that won't be a problem," he said. "You see, I have already found us a new Divination teacher, and she will be perfectly content taking up residence in other lodgings."

"You've found -? You've found?" Umbridge trilled. "Might I remind you, Dumbledore, that under Educational Decree Twenty-two -"

Dumbledore cut her off. "- the Ministry has the right to appoint a suitable candidate if - and only if - the headmaster is unable to find one. And I am happy to say that on this occasion I have succeeded. May I introduce you?"

Dumbledore turned back towards the doors and looked over at Mairead, who was still standing there, clutching her Muggle duffel bag and feeling small and insignificant as a church mouse. "You remember Mairead O'Keefe, don't you, Dolores?" Dumbledore asked pleasantly. "I think you'll find her suitable."

---

Author's Note: I, uh, I don't suppose "I'm sorry" would make a big difference to any of you right now, would it? Yeah, didn't think so. I'll just quietly show myself out.

Songs for this chapter: The song Remus sang to Mairead was "In My Life," by The Beatles (who else?) and the songs for this chapter are, "I Am Not a Pretty Girl," by Ani DiFranco (Mairead) and, "Like a River Runs," by Bleachers (Remus).