Till we aren't strangers anymore

Chapter 7:

She exhaled slowly, thinking about the moment that caused her to push Andy away and focus more on her work. She didn't realize she had done that, to begin with, but now as she relived the moment, it became clear to her. She always thought he had not been there for her, but she blamed herself for losing their unborn baby; all these thoughts of what if's and did I do something wrong during the pregnancy filled her mind, and she felt shame for not being able to give Andy the one thing he wanted most in life, a child.

Turning to face him, she gazed into his eyes, her eyes welling with tears, "I think when I began struggling was when we had that miscarriage; I was just getting used to the idea of being a Mom and our lives changing, and then I miscarried which just shattered that dream, and instead of talking about it, or consoling each other and deciding to keep trying, we both buried our heads in work and pretended it didn't happen. I began blaming myself for losing the baby; I pushed you away and then asked for the separation because I wanted you to hate me as I hated myself."

His head lowered, and he felt the tears pricking his eyes, "It broke us both, and we didn't want to admit it; we had been wanting to be parents for a long time, and it just hadn't been happening, and then when it did, we lost the baby, and you are right, instead of being there for each other and being each other's strength, we got lost in our pain." Being a husband was one of his proudest achievements, along with becoming a surgeon, but wanting to be a father was a lifelong dream. It was heartbreaking for the couple when Rena miscarried the baby she had been carrying.

Putting her coffee down on the nightstand, she scooted over closer to him and pulled him into her arms gently, aware his coffee was still in his hand, leaning back quickly to put his mug down as well, and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight in his arms. The miscarriage was the main reason he had fought for them to go to couples counseling so that they could work through these issues.

Holding onto him a little longer before she pulled away to gaze into his eyes, she rested her forehead on his, sighing softly, "I'm sorry, Andy, I never understood the toll this grief was having on you because the pain I felt became unbearable, and I shut you out. When you kept asking to talk and to reconcile instead of seeing it as a way to grieve together and work through everything, I became angry at you for putting so much time in at the hospital".

Her eyes shone with fresh tears as she sniffled, "I'm so sorry, Andy," she whispered, burrowing her head in his shoulder, her body shaking, crying in his arms, "I'm sorry," she repeated. His fingers caressed her back in gentle circular motions as he whispered, "It's okay, Rena." They were both to blame, but it was something that they could both now find a way to get past the pain and grief. it

Feeling her begin to calm herself, he pulled away again, "We'll work through this and get past it all. I do think we should see someone, grief counseling perhaps. We should have done it when we had the miscarriage and then marriage counseling to work past these issues we have caused because we pulled away from each other; what do you think?" He asked her because he wanted her input, but in his opinion, he did think it was the best thing for them.

Nodding her head, she understood grief counseling was necessary while getting marriage counseling was just as essential. While they were both stuck in their grief, it also caused feelings of feeling not being wanted or needed, which compounded in especially Rena being angry towards Andy, which was something they needed to work on because they were serious about getting back to where they were before.

"I think that sounds like a good idea, Andy." Rena was now ready to work on her marriage, resolve their feelings, and work on grieving for their lost baby. Nobody except Andy and Rena and their family medicine doctor knew about any of this, not Phil and not anyone at Andy's work. They had both worked to keep it between the two of them. "I think when we are ready, we should also tell our friends. It might help us both to have someone else we can talk to as well".

He resumed drinking his coffee and nodded, giving a soft "Mmhmm" as he swallowed. "I know that Miranda, David, and Pam would like to know, and I'm sure Phil and Rebecca would as well; I think let's just get through some counseling first, and they might be able to help us figure out a way to be able to tell them."

It sounded like a reasonable request, and he was right. How do you even have that conversation with people you counted as your friends when you didn't tell them when it first happened? "You still have the name of the counselor we can go to?" Rena asked her husband, knowing she wanted to do this as soon as they could set up an appointment. Nodding, he smiled, seeing in her eyes how determined she seemed about this now. "I do; I'll call later today and see if we can make an appointment."

Smiling, she leaned in and snuggled into his arms, "You know what else we need to do?" she looked over at him and gazed into his eyes, "What's that, babe?" he replied curiously. "We need to get your belongings from the hotel." He smiled a little wider and nodded, his heart racing at her words, knowing she was ready to think of having him back in the house full-time.

"You are ready for that, babe?" he asked her, wanting to ensure she was 100% fine with it. Taking his hand in hers, she squeezed gently and nodded, "I know there is still a lot we need to work out and a lot we need to talk through, but I think we will do that better living together, not by being apart from each other."

Andy couldn't disagree with that, and now, being at home and having woken up in the same bed as his wife, he was excited to be able to come home every day to her. "I agree, so we can swing by the hotel after breakfast and start packing my things up." Leaning to kiss his lips, she smiled, snuggling into him, "Long as you don't decide to go into the hospital," she responded playfully.

Chuckling, he nodded and smiled, pulling her closer, "I promise I won't; today, it's just you and I." He whispered, leaning in and returning the kiss. Andy was determined to make the changes needed to ensure his marriage survived. While his career as a doctor was meaningful, the essential aspect of his life was being a husband and a father.