Chapter 8: At least it's you.
"And I'm here to say that time does heal things up--all things, I reckon; but some things...Some things leave behind dreadful ugly scars." ― Allie Ray, Holler.
Rebecca woke up the next morning, feeling a sense of purpose more than ever before. She showered, changed and made breakfast. She still was taking time to adjust to normalcy. It was difficult for her to fathom she didn't have to eat one bowl of food a day to sustain her. She was thankful not to eat venison anymore. She didn't have to listen to David's preaching day in and day out. She didn't have to watch him, feeling helpless as she took one of the younger girls to bed. She didn't have to watch him hang people who didn't believe in him. She didn't have to think about him at all anymore.
The sun was just beginning to rise as she walked out of her building. She felt the chill in the air, but Spring was just around the corner. She could already feel the change in the air. She couldn't wait to get rid of the snow. When she was a little girl, she used to love the snow. She hated it now. It brought nothing but starvation and death.
She loved the town this time of morning. Most everyone was still sleeping and the town was quiet and still. Peaceful. She didn't think she would ever have peace again.
She walked into the hospital, going over the patients charts with the evening nurses before they ended their shifts. She was thankful to know Joel didn't make Evelyn cry again. Although, he did refuse a sponge bath, which Evelyn seemed relieved about it. The man made the staff nervous. They called him mean and a difficult patient. She was inclined to agree. A heart attack can either change a persons' perspective or make them even more bitter
Rebecca walked to his room and peeked into the doorway. She wasn't surprised to find him awake. The only way he seemed to rest was if they knocked him out with medication.
'Good morning.' She gave him a small smile as she picked up his chart,'How are you feeling?'
'Antsy.' He kicked his feet under the blankets, reminding her of a sullen teenager,'I need to get the hell out of here.'
She laughed and shook her head,'You are. In just an hour. Tommy is coming to get you and take you home. I'm coming to make sure you're situated.'
He nodded silently as she gently lifted his bandage off his chest to check the wound. He looked over her face, seeing the bags under her eyes. She still wasn't sleeping well. He didn't know why he cared. He didn't like to think about the reasons why. Some things are left best alone.
'Evelyn said you refused a sponge bath.' She scrunched her nose up,'You don't have to live like a caveman anymore. You need a haircut and a shave. You also need a bath. You…smell. Really bad and if I'm going to take care of you, I can't be smelling you. Do you want Tommy to do it? Ellie?'
He raised his eyebrow and glared, as I'd her words were offensive to him,'I can bathe myself.'
Rebecca laughed as if it were the most absurd idea in the world,'You were shot a month ago, beaten and…god knows what else. You just had a heart attack. You're lucky to be alive. You can barely walk as it is, but sure. Go ahead.' She jerked her head towards the bathroom,'Go on.'
Joel looked long and hard at the bathroom. He knew he couldn't walk on his own. His body felt weak. He was finally letting himself feel it, the exhaustion and pain he tried his damndest to ignore.
He scrubbed a hand over his face, wincing. She was right. He could smell himself. Ellie broke his balls about it.
Rebecca sighed as she injected morphine into his IV. She could tell he was in pain. He was also more compliant when sedated.
'I'll be right back.' She nodded as she walked out of his room. A woman on a mission.
She filled a bucket with water and grabbed a sponge. Sharon was walking out of one of the rooms when she saw her, smiling.
Sharon crossed her arms over her chest and smirked,'I take it he's finally letting someone bathe him.'
'He's not allowing anyone to do anything.' She shook her head,'He doesn't know I'm doing this, but he's going to have to get over it.'
'You're doing your job and putting the patients best interest at heart.' She smiled softly,'Its what any good nurse would do.'
Rebecca averted her eyes downward. It was true, she was trying to be a good nurse. Maybe she wanted to do more. If he would let her.
Sharon leaned against the nurse's station, a sort of knowing smile on her face,'You're the only one he's nice to, you know. He doesn't make you cry.'
'It takes more than someone being an asshole for me to cry.' Rebecca looked down at his room,'I know people are afraid of him. He…' She shook her head and sighed,'I know people think he doesn't deserve to be here. They think he was selfish because he saved her, but I would've done the same. People need to give him a little more grace. He…did a lot for me. I would be dead if it weren't for him. He's a good man. He loves that girl. He loves his brother. That's enough for me.'
Sharon had a contemplative look on her face,'I don't think he was being selfish.' She smiled sadly, thinking about her own children she lost,'I wouldn't done the same. I don't blame him for anything. I won't tolerate any of that talk in my hospital. He…responds to you. He accepts your help.'
She shook her head and sighed,'I don't think he has a choice in the matter.'
'You know as well as I do that man doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do.' Sharon patted her arm,'He considers you a friend. Even if he doesn't want to admit it. Go take care of him. Give him that bath before his stench reaches the entire hospital. I don't want him leaving my hospital smelling like death. It's bad for morale.
Rebecca smirked as the doctor walked away. She was one of the good ones. She wasn't a doctor trying to find a cure or solution to saving the world. She was focused on the people who were here, right now and needed help. The only cure to saving humanity is to make sure we don't keep repeating the same vicious cycles.
Rebecca walked back into his room. He was sitting up, writing something down into a notebook. She saw him doing that the time they travelled together. She always wondered what he was writing down. She didn't peg him a man who enjoyed journaling. He was full of surprises.
She reached into the back of her jeans and pulled out a pistol, placing it on his bedside table.
His eyes widened as he stared over at the gun.
He raised his eyebrows up at her questioningly and she shrugged,'I figured you would be more comfortable with…having protection.'
He nodded as he watched her place the basin of water on the table,'Protection from who? You?'
'Maybe.' She grinned,'Do you plan on blowing my head off if I try cleaning you? Your smell is starting to reach out into the hall. I don't want people thinking we're letting a rotting corpse waste away in here.'
He let out a dry laugh as she submerged the sponge in water,'They paying you for all this shit?'
She laughed and the sound fleshed out goosebumps on his skin. It was the first time in two months he's heard a real laugh out of her. The sound was comforting to him. Just as it was when he heard Ellie laugh. She was starting to gain herself back. She sassed the hell out of him. She didn't take his shit. He was glad to see David didn't take that out of her.
'Oh yeah.' She nodded,'Direct deposit, benefits package. All the perks.' She tilted her head and gave him a look of indignation,'Money doesn't exist anymore, Joel. What the hell would I do with it?' She shrugged,'They gave me a home. That's payment enough for me. Maybe you should start acting a little more thankful and less ungrateful.'
He leaned back in the bed as she cautiously placed the sponge against his shoulder. He laid there silently, letting her run down the sponge down his arm. He wouldn't admit it, but it felt good. Not just being cleaned. Touching. He couldn't remember the last time anyone touched him out of comfort.
Tess had given that to him, but he pushed her away. He didn't let her know how he felt. There were so many things he couldn't get back. Things he should've said.
He could feel the effects of the morphine starting to take its toll. His eyes fluttered shut as he focused on the warm sponge running over his body. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. His body felt weightless. For a split second he almost felt what it was like to be normal again.
'Tess.' He whispered, his words coming out slurred,'I had a woman.'
Tears filled her eyes as she heard the sadness in his voice. She thought about the moment all those weeks ago. The night at camp where everything was going wrong and they thought they were in their final days. It felt like such a lifetime ago. So much has happened.
It was obvious he loved her. In the best way a man like him could. She hoped he told her that before she died. She deserved to hear it.
She gently lifted up his arm, rubbing the sponge along the inside of his arm. He had scars all over his body. She could tell he had been through so much hell over the last twenty years.
She wondered what he looked like before the outbreak. She could tell he was a handsome man in his heyday. If he took better care of himself and cleaned himself up, he would still be handsome.
She shook her head, sighing to herself. Her thoughts were too much sometimes. Her savior complex did her in. Her survivor guilt was even worse.
She finished bathing him and let him rest. She checked over her other patients, thankful it was an easier day than before. Tommy arrived to pick Joel up.
She stood in the hallway, making sure she followed through with her orders. They were discussing something, their heated conversation reverberating throughout the room. The brothers had a fierce love for each other, but they were complete opposites. Joel suffered for twenty years while Tommy looked like a goddamned princess.
Joel was dressed in a sweatpants and a t shirt. His hair wild and beard unkempt. She wondered if he would let someone cut his hair and give him a shave. Maybe she would do it while he was sedated. It seemed to be the only time he would let anyone touch him.
She walked into the room, giving both of the men a nod,'I brought Sadie to…come over to the house.'
Tommy nodded as he shoved his hands into his pockets,'I wished he would listen to reason and stay with me and Maria.'
Joel rolled his eyes and sighed,'It ain't happening. Ellie will be there.'
'So will I.' Rebecca smiled,'I have my orders and tend to follow through with them.' She stared hard at Joel,'Whether he likes it or not.'
Tommy looked down at his older brother, biting back a smirk. He said wondered what was going on with him and this woman. Joel didn't say much, but it was made obvious she was someone important to him. Whether he wanted to admit it or not. He knew his brother better than he knew himself. He was glad to see he found a friend.
Sharon checked him over, making sure he was stable enough to leave. She sent him off with medicine and strict orders of bed rest for another week. She wasn't confident he would listen, but she would make sure he at least tried.
Tommy helped Joel out of bed. He gently lifted him up under his shoulders. She helped Tommy ease him into the wheelchair.
Joel's head was cast down, his eyes clenched shut as Tommy wheeled him down the corridor. She understood how humbling it must be for him. He was a fighter and survivor. He was used to taking care of things on his own. He had no choice but relinquish his control.
Rebecca hopped onto Sadie, gently patted her side. She's missed riding her. She's missed riding out of pleasure. She needed to start doing that more.
The ride up to his house was only five minutes away. She's never been to his home. Ellie couldn't stop talking about it though. She seemed excited to be living with Joel, to be a normal kid for once and have friends.
Rebecca's eyes widened as she saw the farmhouse. It exceeded her expectations. The house was tucked away from the rest of the town, almost in the middle of nowhere. The mountains beyond took her breath away. There was a decent sized barn and she could already envision what it would look like once it's finished. It was going to be beautiful. Just like him and Ellie talked about.
Ellie ran out of the house when she saw them come up the road. Tommy helped ease Joel off his horse, keeping an arm tightly wrapped around him to steady him.
Ellie ran over to them, wasting no time in wrapped her arms around his waist. Joel smiled softly as he weakly patted her back, kissing the top of her head,'I'm okay, baby girl.'
'Let's get you inside and into bed.' Tommy sighed,'You're still heavy as fuck.'
Joel snorted as he was led into the living room, where they situated a bed for him. He couldn't go up and down the stairs for at least another week.
Rebecca looked around the house. It was in desperate need of repairs, but she saw the potential. This used to be a beautiful home. It would be beautiful again. She just knew it.
She helped Tommy put him into bed, giving him his rounds of medication. She would need to get back to the hospital soon. She had other patients to attend to, but Sharon gave her strict orders. She would follow them through.
Ellie walked over to her, giving her a tight embrace,'Thank you for taking care of him.'
'Don't mention it.' She rubbed her back soothingly,'It's a Saturday. What are you doing today?'
'Hanging out with the old man.' She smirked,'Making sure he doesn't try anything stupid.'
Rebecca looked over at Joel, who was giving Tommy shit as he tried to get him to eat a sandwich,'Have you met him?'
'I heard that.' Joel glared,'I'm getting real fucking tired of people talking about me like I'm not here.'
Rebecca shared an exasperated look with Tommy. He knew she had her work cut out for her. If this was before the outbreak, she would've asked Sharon for a raise. She may have even paid another nurse to take over as charge. She wouldn't have thought he was worth it. Her younger self didn't know shit.
'Yeah yeah yeah.' Tommy rolled his eyes,'I gotta get to work, but I'll be back later to check up on you. I'll bring you dinner.' He bent down and kissed him on his forehead,'I love you.'
Rebecca smiled softly as Joel nodded silently, but the look he gave Tommy was enough for her to know he felt the same. There was a lot of love between them. A lot of things unresolved too.
Tommy nodded at Rebecca and Ellie, knowing he was in good hands,'I'll see you two later.'
He walked out of the living room, the heady door closing behind them booming throughout the otherwise quiet house.
'He hates me.' Ellie shook her head,'Because I didn't go through with it.'
'He can get the fuck over it.' Rebecca shook her head and sighed,'He's gonna be a father himself. He should understand better than anybody.'
'I wanted him to take her.' Joel met her gaze from across the room,'I trusted him to take care of her.'
Rebecca's eyes widened at his admission. She wondered what would've happened if Tommy had taken her. Ellie wouldn't be alive. She knew that without a doubt. Joel and Ellie knew it too.
She also knew Tommy would've left her for dead. She wasn't naive enough to think he would've gotten her out. Tommy was a good man, but he was also an opportunist. She found it funny he refused to admit he was a communist.
'I'm glad he didn't.' Ellie had a determined look on her face,'He would've let them-'
'You didn't.' Rebecca wrapped an arm around her,'We won't talk about that anymore. You don't have to feel guilty about anything.'
'She's right.' Joel sighed,'I'm glad I was there.'
Joel met Rebecca's eyes again from across the room. His eyes didn't stray from hers. She was taken aback by the look in his eyes. She knew he was trying to say. He was glad he was there for the both of them.
Rebecca looked away first, averting her attention back to Ellie,'A birdie told me that they're serving cookies in town today.'
Ellie's eyes widened as she smiled gleefully,'Miss Betsy's chocolate chip cookies?'
'Are there any others?' Rebecca smiled knowingly,'Lizzie was asking about you too. I think she might be sweet on you.'
Ellie's cheeks reddened at that. Rebecca wasn't naive. She read between the lines. Ellie was gay, which was perfectly fine. She was glad Ellie was accepting of who she is and didn't apologize for what she wanted out of life. She was braver than her in a lot of ways.
Ellie turned to Joel, shifting on her feet nervously,'Can I go? I'll make sure I'm safe and come back before Becca leaves.'
Joel pursed his lips, knowing he needed to give her some freedom if this was going to work out,'As long as you bring me some back.
'Me too.' Rebecca laughed,'I smelled them baking when I was leaving the house this morning. She always drops them off at the hospital for us.'
Ellie bounced excitedly as she hugged them both and hastily made her goodbyes. Joel stared out the window, smiling to himself as she got onto her bike and sped off down the road. He knew she had her moments of weakness.
For the first few days they were back, Ellie didn't leave her room. She was quiet and withdrawn, like she was afraid to live. She seemed to snap out of it though. She was still young and could easily compartmentalize things. He envied that.
Joel watched until Ellie disappeared off into the distance.
His eyes widened in realization,'Is Lizzie Ellie's…girlfriend?'
Rebecca laughed and shook her head,'No, but I think she might be…soon. They've been looking pretty chummy. She's a nice girl. Smart.'
Joel nodded as he ran a hand through his hair,'I don't care about her being gay, ya know.' He shrugged,'I just want to see her happy.'
'As you should.' She walked over to his bedside,'How are you feeling?' She looked over his face,'As your nurse. Is there anything I can do for you?'
He thought about her loaded question, letting it muddle over in his mind. He couldn't think of a damn thing she could do for him that she hasn't done already.
He lolled his head on the pillow, raising his eyes to look up at her,'What have you been doing for yourself?'
'Living.' She shrugged,'Not just existing. Living. Maybe you should do the same.' She sighed as she looked down at her watch. Sharon had given it to her, telling her every good nurse needed to keep time,'I have to get back to the hospital, but I'll be back later after for a couple hours.'
He nodded as he closed his eyes, feeling himself getting sleepy,'Orders, right?'
She stared down at him, wondering if he was asking her or himself that.
'Yeah.' She nodded,'I guess so. Get some rest. I'll be back later.'
She left his house, feeling hurt for some reason. He didn't want to be her friend. He resigned himself in accepting her help. Once he recovered he would go back to pretending like she never existed.
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The rest of her day was busy. She didn't have time to think about anything. Patients were coming and going. She even helped deliver a baby today. She cried when she watched the mother cradling the tiny baby to her chest. She thought about all the things she could've had in her life. She always wanted children. Before the outbreak, she wanted four kids. Her and Ben were excited to start a family.
After everything happened, her priorities shifted. She didn't think about babies anymore. She had her work and was slowly making friends and rebuilding a life for herself. She could be fulfilled in other ways.
The sun was setting as she rode Sadie to Joel's house. She posted Sadie in the barn, greeting Dusty. She was happy to see Sadie and Dusty were being taken care of. She was surprised when Tommy told her Joel had taken care of Sadie before his heart attack, while she was dealing with her own shit. He was a man of his word.
She walked into the house, shouting out,'Nurse Barrett reporting for duty.'
She heard the sounds of guitar playing coming from the living room. Her eyes widened when she saw him sitting up in bed, with an acoustic guitar in his hand. His beard and hair were trimmed. She was thankful he let Maria give him a clean up. She's never seen him like this before. He was accepting others help. Hopefully, he understood he needed to take care of himself. Not just for himself, but Ellie as well.
She stood in the doorway for a few moments, listening to him play. He was good. It was nice to see him enjoying himself.
She cleared her throat as she walked into the room,'You actually know how to play.' She gave him a small smile,'You're really good.'
He looked up at her flustered as he quickly placed the guitar down, placing it beside of him. He looked as if he was caught doing something he shouldn't, like it was a sin to be enjoying himself.
She looked around the living room and frowned,'Where's Ellie?'
'With Lizzie.' He rolled his eyes and shook his head. Ever the exasperated father,'They went into town to watch a movie. I made sure to meet her. She's a good kid.'
'I know.' She smiled,'Ellie wouldn't accept anything less.' She checked his vitals as she searched his face,'You got a haircut and shave. You even let Maria wash your hair? I may die of a heart attack.'
He smirked as his eyes trailed over the length of her,'Did you always have shitty bedside manner?'
She met his eyes and returned his smirk,'Only with the patients I liked.'
She saw a quirk of a smile on his face and patted his arm,'Your vitals are perfect. Pretty soon you won't need me at all.'
He was silent, but his eyes never left her face. She went to move away from him and he gently grabbed her wrist, keeping her from moving. She looked down at him, not afraid, but curious. He's never touched her unless he absolutely had to.
'Thank you.' He nodded, his words gruff,'I've been giving you a lot of shit and…it ain't fair to you.' He shook his head in frustration. He really hated this shit,'Thank you for looking after Ellie…and me.'
She smiled softly, nodded her head,'That wasn't so hard. Was it?'
He let out a dry laugh and he let go of her wrist,'You don't have to stay for two hours, ya know. I'm perfectly fine. I ate. I'm bathed. I took my medicine. I'm good.'
'I know.' She nodded,'But this is my job, Joel. I happen to take it very seriously. I'm staying.'
His eyes looked over her face. This was the first time he ever really gave himself the chance to really look at her. Her red hair was pulled back into a braid. She wore regular clothes, but he could tell she was dressed for work. She wore functional clothes. Each day he saw her the bruises and cuts were starting to fade. She was starting to smile more.
She was a beautiful woman underneath it all. Anyone with eyes could see that. Beauty scared him. It made a man weak.
She sat down in the chair by his bedside, sighing as she took rest for the first time in hours, but she had been busy. It felt good to be tired from working rather than being starving.
'What was the song you were playing?' She smiled softly,'It was beautiful. It's…been a long time since I've heard real music. I was getting sick and fucking tired of hymns.'
'La Luna Siempre es muy Linda.' He smiled wryly,'My ma's favorite song.'
The Spanish rolled off his tongue effortlessly,'Is your family from Spain?'
'Chile.' He swallowed harshly,'We came to Texas when I was in ma's belly.'
She nodded as she looked over at him,'I've always wanted to learn Spanish, but I took Italian for some reason. '
He raised his eyebrow at her,'Is that you're way of asking me to teach you?'
'I don't know.' She smiled,'Can you teach me Spanish in a month?'
His face became stoic. She would leave after he recovered. He let himself do this sometimes, become vulnerable and giving way too much away than he should.
She sighed and leaned closer to his bedside,'I think you've come to realize we're friends, Joel. Whether you want to admit or not.
He didn't respond and she sighed, shaking her head. She felt guilty. He had opened up to her while she remained a closed book, rarely giving him any insight into her life. He was trying to make an effort. She should do the same.
'Kentucky.' He stared at her confusingly,'Lexington, Kentucky is where I grew up. My daddy owned a contracting business and my mama was a teacher. My grandma was the nurse.' She smiled fondly. She hasn't talked about them in years,'I had two brothers. Michael and William. I was the baby.' Tears filled her eyes,'I was barely out of nursing school when it happened. Me and Ben were only married for six months. We were high school sweethearts.' She lowered her eyes into her lap,'I was three months pregnant when everything went to shit.'
His eyes widened as he looked over her face,'Did you lose the baby?'
'No.' She sighed shakily,'I…gave myself an abortion. I…drugged myself and…did it myself. I knew we couldn't raise a baby with everything going on. My parents, they ended up getting infected. I watched my daddy eat my mama's throat. Michael and William. They didn't last a week. Me and Ben managed to get out. We were on our own for almost a month before we met the others. A year later…we met David. He was such a pussy when we first met him. Before the outbreak, he used to be a teacher, but ended up getting fired for being inappropriate with the students.' She shook her head and let out a dry laugh,'When I saw Ellie, I knew I couldn't let him do to her what he did to me. I couldn't live like that anymore. It was either me or him. Ellie made that choice for me.'
'No.' He shook his head adamantly,'You made the choice to get out. No one else. You should be proud of yourself.'
She smiled tearfully as she nodded sadly,'I am. The only regret I have is not killing him myself.'
'I loved Tess. I still do.' He blurted without thinking. He told himself the drugs were making his tongue loose, but he knew it was the company.
He could easily talk to her without judgment. She didn't ask anything of him. She didn't try to force words out of him or emotions and feelings he wasn't comfortable talking about. She listened and gave him silence when he needed it.
She sighed and leaned over to gently hold onto his arm,'It's okay to love her, Joel. I still love Ben.'
'I never told her that.' He frowned,'She died thinking…' he shook his head, not wanting to give himself away too much.
'Women know, Joel. You were together for almost fifteen years. She knew.' She shook her head,'I don't even have to know her and I can tell you that. Ellie knew you loved her too.'
He didn't know why he admitted that to her. Maybe he needed to get it off his conscience. He's felt guilty about it for so long. Telling her felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
She smiled softly as she looked up at him,'My friends call me Becca.'
He rolled his eyes, giving her the same exasperated look on his face he gave Ellie whenever she didn't listen to him. Friends. He guessed they were.
She chewed on her bottom lip nervously as she nodded down at his guitar,'Could you play some more of that song? I really enjoyed listening to it.'
His eyes widened slightly as he nodded silently. He picked up his guitar and started strumming along. It had been years since he's played, but it was just like riding a bike. He used to play all the time. Especially for Sarah. They used to sit on the porch together and she would be drawing in her notebook, listening to him strumming along. He could that again. He could live his life in peace and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.
He looked over at Rebecca, who was listening to the music with a wistful smile on her face as she looked out the window. She was stronger than she let on. Perceptive too. She scared the shit out of him though.
She's the first person he's ever been afraid of.