Chapter 10:It's not over til I say it is
'There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.'
-Laurell K. Hamilton
One month later…
It was nighttime, that was all she knew. She had another nightmare. It was one of the worst she's ever had. She woke up, her body tense and sore. She must've been thrashing in the bed again.
The blanket and sheet was on the floor. The shirt she wore to bed was soaked through with sweat. She was breathing harshly, her breath coming out in harsh pants.
Her eyes darted around the room. It felt like something was watching her. She dreamt David was chasing her through the woods. She tried to escape in her dreams, but he got her every time. He dragged her back to them as she screamed for help that never came.
She could feel the walls closing in on her. The nausea and dizziness were setting in. She clutched her knees to her chest and closed her eyes, counting to ten backwards and forwards. Just like Sharon taught her.
It usually worked, but it wasn't cutting it tonight. Tears fell down her cheeks. She ran shaky hands through her hair. She needed to get out of this room.
She crawled out of bed and walked out into the living room. She walked up and back the length of the living room, willing herself to calm down. He couldn't hurt her anymore.
You're worthless. You're nothing without me. I am your god. You are my servant.
His words echoed in her mind. It felt like he was standing in the room with her. He was dead, but she couldn't convince herself of that tonight. His followers were still out there. They were going to come after her.
She saw David standing in the kitchen. Her eyes widened in terror as she stood motionless with a sick smirk on his face.
You're dead. You can't hurt me anymore. You're dead and gone.
She repeated the mantra over and over again, but he didn't dissipate.
She grabbed her pistol and ran out of her apartment. She didn't know the time of day, but it was still dark outside. No one was out. There wasn't a sound to be heard. She could hear David screaming out her name. She was never going to get away from him.
She ran as fast as she could. She gasped for breath, the cold air closing up her lungs. She felt like she couldn't breathe. She faintly wondered if this is what Joel felt before his heart attack.
She found herself in the middle of a field. There was snow, left over from a grueling winter. She could hear his voice, screaming at her not to run away from him.
She turned around and raised her gun up to shoot him, but she didn't see him. Was he hiding? Did he relent and leave her alone?
She could still hear his voice in her head, but she knew he wasn't real. This wasn't real. It was all in her head. As much as she tried to tell herself it wasn't real, the dead became worse. You can't fight the things that exist in your head.
She fell down onto her knees in the snow. She bowed her head, sobbing as she shook her head. It was useless trying to be normal. She'll never feel normal again.
Joel couldn't sleep. He felt restless as he kicked his legs in frustration underneath the sheet. He sat up, staring at the ceiling. Every time he slept his saw her face and heard her screaming out for him. He never saved her in his dreams. She always died in his arms.
His missed the drugs. They numbed him and helped him forget. At least he would be able to sleep.
He sighed as he slowly pulled his body up from the bed. He changed into a flannel and jeans, sliding his pistol in his back pocket. He walked out of his bedroom and down the hallway. He peeked into Ellie's room, making sure she was asleep just as he did every night.
She was sleeping safe and sound, curled up under her blanket. He smiled to himself. He was glad she could sleep again. She had nightmares the first few weeks they arrived here, but they seemed to go away. She was living normally. She didn't have to worry about a cure or people coming after her. Not anymore.
At least one of them was sleeping tonight.
He made sure to keep his steps light as he walked downstairs. He was glad he didn't need to sleep in the living room anymore. He wasn't one hundred percent, but his body was slowly starting to mend itself back together. He wasn't a Spring chicken anymore. It took his body longer to heal.
He looked up at the clock on the wall. It was only four in the morning. He sighed to himself and decided to make some coffee. It was useless to try and sleep.
He made some coffee, heating it on the coals. Tommy built him a full functioning stove that ran on coal. He was always better at wiring than him. It's why they worked so well together. They relied on each other, compensating for each others strengths and weaknesses.
He pulled on his coat and went out onto the porch with his cup of coffee. He enjoys these moments. While Ellie is asleep he could be alone with his thoughts.
Every morning he would come out onto his porch and sit, staring out at his land. Ge still couldn't believe this belonged to him and Ellie. He never thought it would come to fruition. He thought they were going to die in that hospital. He wished he could help with the repairs, but his body still had some ways to go.
He heard crying in the distance. His eyes narrowed, wondering who it could be. He sighed as he zipped up his coat, shoving his hands into his pockets. It wasn't his business. He needed to leave it alone. He would only make things worse. He had enough problems on his own.
He sat there for a few minutes and it continued on. He rolled his eyes and shook his head. Who ever was crying is going to wake Ellie. She had school in the morning. The girl was a light sleeper. She would wake if he dropped a needle.
He placed his cup of coffee down on the table and walked off the porch. He winced as the cold air seeped into his jacket, making his incision ache. It wasn't the same pain as before though. He didn't feel like he was going to die anymore. The fear is still there. He doesn't think it'll ever go away.
He followed the sounds as he walked down the trail. He reached the end of the driveway and saw a figure kneeling in the snow. The sun was starting to rise, illuminating the sky in all its glory. He saw the red hair, a stark contrast against the pure white snow.
His eyes widened as it struck him like a bolt of lightening. He would know that red hair anywhere.
He moved as fast as his old tired body would allow him. He tentatively walked behind her. He saw the gun in her hand. Did she want to use it on herself or did someone scare her?
He took a deep breath and placed his hand on her shoulder,'Becca.' He whispered slowly, knowing he needed to tread lightly.
She spun around and stumbled back into the snow. Her eyes were wild as she pointed the gun at him. She looked as if she didn't recognize him.
He lifted his hands up, keeping himself crouched down, not wanting her to see him as a threat,'Becca, it's Joel.'
She shook her head as tears fell down her cheeks. She was still pointing the gun at him, her finger on the trigger. He could see the hesitancy on her face. Her breathing was ragged as she sobbed.
She was still in her pajamas. Her face was beet red from the cold. Her entire body was shaking with fear.
He knew in that moment she wasn't afraid of anyone alive.
'They're coming to get me.' She whispered shakily,'He's here, Joel. I…I have to get away from them.'
'Ain't no one here but me and you.' He extended his hand out to her slowly, making sure to proceed with caution before she put a bullet in his brain,'He can't hurt you anymore.'
Her face scrunched up as she cried softly,'He hurts me everyday. He won't leave me alone.'
He slowly took the gun out of her hands and slid it into the waistband of his jeans. He would give it back to her later, knowing she liked to carry around protection at all times. They were a lot alike in that regard.
She stared at him as she started to come back to herself. Her eyes widened in realization when she saw him. She covered her face with her hands, sobbing into them. She felt ashamed and embarrassed he saw her like this. She never wanted anyone to see her like this again.
'I'm sorry.' Her words were muffled by her hands,'I'm so sorry.'
He sighed as he gently pulled her against him. She tried to fight him as the fear lingered. He wouldn't let her go that easily. He tightly wrapped his arms around her. He gently rocked them back and forth.
'You don't have to be sorry for a goddamned thing, Becca.' He squeezed her for emphasis,'You do whatever the fuck you want to get better.'
She closed her eyes, letting his words resonate within her. She needed to hear those words. She felt ungrateful for feeling like this. She should be happy. She was free. It was difficult to break loose from her mind though. She's always been her own worst enemy.
'Let's get you out of the snow.' He kept his voice above a whisper,'We don't need you dying out here.'
She nodded as he let go of her. She pulled herself up from the snow as she followed him up to the house. Her legs were shaky. She felt the exhaustion deep down into her bones.
They walked into the house and he nodded up towards the stairs,'I'll grab ya something warm to wear. There's coffee if you want it.'
He walked up the stairs, leaving her alone in the living room. She looked around the room and frowned. She hated putting him in this predicament. He was still recovering from a heart attack. She didn't know why she ran to his house. She was running on fight or flight instinct, but she chose this place. It felt safe to her.
He came down with a pair of sweatpants and a t shirt,'They're gonna be big, but at least you'll be warm.'
'Thank you.' She gave him a small smile as he handed her the clothes,'I'll just go and change.'
She crept upstairs, making sure to keep her steps quiet. The last thing she wanted to do was wake Ellie up. She wasn't a morning person and was grumpy whenever she was woken up from school. She didn't want that gun smoke.
She went downstairs and placed her wet clothes on the porch, not knowing where else to put them. She walked back into the house, finding Joel sitting on the chair in the living room by the window. She made herself a cup of coffee. She would have to be at work soon with only a couple hours of sleep. She's functioned through worse.
She sat down on the couch, looking over at him as he stared out the window,'Thank you. For everything.'
He nodded as he looked over at her, returning her gaze,'Why did you run?'
'I don't know.' She shook her head and sighed,'I had a nightmare and…I thought he was in my room. I could hear him in my head. I could see him as plain as day, Joel.'
He mulled over her words. He understood the fear. The nagging, relentless and gnawing feeling the worst isn't really over. He didn't know what it was like to live in a cult, but he knew what nightmares felt like. They weren't really nightmares at all though. They were memories.
He pursed his lips as he leaned back in his chair,'Everyone thinks I can handle things, but I'm not who I was. I'm weak. Lately, there are moments when the fear comes outta nowhere….and…my heart feels like it stopped.' He saw the look on her face,'It has nothing to do with my heart attack. I'm still feeling it. I don't think that feeling's ever gonna go away.'
She was surprised he was opening up to her like this. She stopped being his nurse over a week ago, but she still came over every morning and night for two hours. She told herself it was to see Ellie and her horses, but she liked spending time with him too. He was becoming a good friend to her. She could talk to him and he would just listen. He never let her apologize for anything or made her feel guilty for all the terrible things David had to do.
'Contrary to what people think of you, Joel. I think you're a good man who did terrible things to survive.' She nodded,'You're right though. The fear will always be there.' She sighed softly as she took a sip of her coffee,'I think I am going to take up boxing. There's a gym at the hospital. It has a punching bag. I think it might be good for me.'
A small smile formed on his face as he looked over her. The bruises and cuts on her face were completely healed. Her skin was smooth and flawless. She was gaining weight back due to a steady diet. If he was honest with him, he would say she was the more beautiful woman he's ever seen. It wasn't her outward beauty that drew him in. She had a fierce strength inside of her he's never seen in a woman before. He thought Tess had been the toughest woman he's ever met. Maybe in a lot of ways she had been, but every time he tried to compare their strengths he came up short. Tess died and Rebecca didn't. That had to count for something.
He quickly turned his head, focusing his attention back out the window. He couldn't stare at her for too long. She made him feel weak. He hated the feeling. Every time he tried to push her away, she came back and intertwined herself in his life there was no way getting out of it. She was slowly becoming one of his closest friends. It's all they could give each other. He didn't have it in him to give anything else. He didn't think she did either.
'I could help ya box.' He shrugged,'Obviously not now, but I could have Tommy set up a bag in the barn. I can't move around like that, but I could teach ya some things. You would have privacy here.' He sighed softly,'If you ever feel like that again. Don't go running off into the snow. You come the house and park your ass right on that couch. Understand?'
Her eyes widened slightly. He surprised her every day. She thought after she was finished with helping him he wouldn't want her around anymore, but every morning and every night she found herself here. She liked the stillness. It was always so…loud in town. It felt nice to come here and relish in the peace and quiet. She could see why Joel loved it so much.
'I would like that.' She smiled softly,'I don't want anyone to know what happened today. Sharon will think I'm unstable and fire me.'
He laughed, wincing as the stitches in his chest pulled,'I don't think they can afford that. I don't think that woman is stable herself. None of us are.'
She did t respond and he looked over at her. She fell asleep with the coffee mug in her hand. He sighed as he got up from the chair and gently took the mug out of her hand. He didn't want to wake her up. She was exhausted. She needed to sleep or she would be of no use to anyone.
He pulled the blanket off the couch and draped it over her body. He went upstairs to wake Ellie up for school, dreading the teenager's vitriol she had to get up. She was crankier than him in the morning.
Ellie walked downstairs dressed for school. She saw Rebecca sleeping on the couch and shook her head confusingly. What the hell was she doing here?
Joel walked into the kitchen with Ellie's bookbag and placed his index finger over his lips, telling her to be quiet.
Ellie turned her attention back to Joel,'Is she okay?'
'I don't know.' He refused to ever lie to her again,'I think she will be though. She just needs time. Eat something and I'll take you to school.'
Ellie nodded as he handed her the bookbag. She hoisted it onto her shoulders, looking over at Rebecca. She knew she was struggling. While she didn't understand what it was like to be in a religious cult for twenty years. She understood what it was like to not be in control of your own life. To have everything decided for you. She still struggled with it everyday and probably would for the rest of her life.
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She came to his house for the next three days. He would wake up in the early morning hours. His nightmares forcing him awake. He would find her sleeping on the couch, tucked under a blanket. He would make coffee and sit on the porch until she woke up. Sometimes he would sit in the living room, silently watching her. He wanted to make sure she wouldn't wake up and try to hurt herself or someone. He found calm in watching her. She eased something inside of him in a way no one else could.
They never spoke about why she came here. There was an understanding between them. They found comfort in each other's presence. It didn't need explaining. It was friendship.
Ellie walked into the kitchen, seeing Rebecca once again sleeping on the couch. She walked out onto the porch, finding Joel sitting on the porch,'You can just ask her to stay, ya know. There's an extra room. She doesn't have to sleep on the couch.'
He rolled his eyes and sighed,'It's the way it is. Leave it alone.'
The stern tone in his voice left no room for discussion, but Ellie was no quitter,'She would probably sleep better in a bed.'
'She has a bed in her own home.' He shrugged,'She wants to be alone.'
'Is that what she wants or what you want?'
Ellie sighed, knowing he wasn't going to answer her. She shook her head and walked off the porch,'You're a shitty liar, Joel.'
He watched as she hopped onto her bike and sped down the trail. He kept his eyes on her, making sure she arrive safely into town.
He thought about Ellie's words. She was right. Even though he would never admit it. He couldn't let Rebecca stay in the extra bedroom. It would make things too real for him. It was easier to pretend when she wasn't around.
Ellie was right. He's always been a shitty liar.