Chapter 13: Not all is lost
'What would life be like if we had no courage to attempt anything?'
-Vincent Van Gogh
(I also really hope everyone is enjoying this labor of love of mine. I've been writing this since the game came out. When I first watched the series and saw HIM! I had to start writing it again.)
Joel had been surprised when he walked into the kitchen, seeing Rebecca sitting at the table, two mugs in front of her, a pot of water on the stove.
He silently sat down across from her. Her hand was propping head up. She had heavy bags under her eyes. She had a hangover, but she came back tonight. Even after what he did. She didn't judge him. He was convinced she felt sorry for him. She was humoring an old man because of her fondness for Ellie.
He opened his mouth to say something. He never apologized to anyone. He didn't know why the hell he cared so much.
She lifted her hand up to silence him,'Shut up. I have a headache.' She placed a hand on her forehead,'We're just friends, Joel. You're a grown man who can do what he wants.'
He stared at her long and hard. His headache was pounding, but her words echoed in his head. He can do what he wants. Marjorie wasn't what he wanted. He wanted a distraction from seeing that prick's hands all over her.
He tried to tell himself he was playing the part of a noble friend. He had a fierceness to protect her. It wasn't fatherly or brotherly. It definitely wasn't friendly either. He didn't have a name for it. He didn't understand it himself.
They were just friends. Her words brought him back to reality. Ellie called him an old pervert. She was joking, but maybe it was the truth.
He nodded silently as he watched her get up and go over to the stove. His eyes trailed over her. She was lean, but strong. He didn't stare at her to be creepy. He compared it to the comic books Ellie liked. He appreciated the beauty of her body and mind. She was smart and quick witted. She rendered him speechless sometimes. He valued her trust in him.
He didn't want her to see him like that last night. Bitter and broken. He fucked some girl he couldn't even remember in the back alley. While the reason he even came here was dancing with some asshole. He was turning soft.
She didn't seem angry with him as she poured water into their cups. She was so close to him he could smell the scent of her. He could appreciate the beauty of it alright, but never touch.
Two weeks later,
It was Mid June by the time Joel finished building a perimeter around the ranch. Joel, Tommy and some other men in town toiled away day and night. She could see the elated look on Joel's face once it was finished. He seemed happy and content as they all toasted with a shot of whiskey.
They never spoke of that ever again. They blamed it in the liquor. They both weren't in their heads. It was a simple mistake.
Rebecca didn't know if he was still fucking Marjorie. The girl would give her sly looks and smirks. She wanted to punch her in the mouth. She wouldn't call it jealousy. Joel didn't owe her anything. She still felt undeniable rage whenever she looked at her. She could see the images flash in her mind of the two of them, fucking like dogs in an alleyway. She thought he was better than that. Maybe he thought he deserved less.
She tried to focus on Ellie's upcoming sixteenth birthday. She had changed so much since they've gotten here. Ellie was comfortable in her own skin. She didn't care what people thought about her. She ignored the stares of the pious people in town. Rebecca admired that quality in her.
Ellie wanted a quiet affair. Just herself, Joel and her girlfriend Lizzie. She didn't care about turning sixteen. She was grateful just to be free. She still felt the lingering doubt this was all too good to be true, but those days started to become few and far between.
They all felt the fear of this being an impossible dream.
Rebecca tied Sadie to the post as she walked up the path towards Joel's house. It was midday after noon, another hot and sunny day. She had just woken up from working the overnight shift at the hospital. It had been mostly an eventful day.
She covered her eyes with her hand as she squinted from the sun. She stood at the bottom of the steps, looking up at him on the porch.
He was leaning back against the bench on the porch. His denim jeans were dirty from working around the ranch, his boots stained with the wet mud from the rain the night before. The sleeves of his dark green flannel were rolled up his arms. His shoulders became broader. He didn't look like the same man who she first seen all those years old. He still had that wildness within him though. He would let his anger get the best of him. He would go into the barb, needing to fix or hit something.
He was gaining his muscle back from being sick for so long. That seemed like such a lifetime ago.
It was like he experienced an epiphany. He was fragile and could be broken. He was a pure blooded human being who can get hurt. He had to rely on others to survive. To accept others help must be humbling for a such as himself.
This was one of those days.
He had a contemplative look on his face as he looked down at her. He was scratching at his beard. His cowboy hat placed on his lap. The graying of his hair illuminated in the sun. It suited him. He did need a haircut though. It was starting to fall over his ears.
'I need a hair cut he stated matter of factly.
She nodded and snorted,'No shit, you're probably sweating your ass off out there. I know someone who could cut your hair.'
'No way.' He shook his head,'I ain't letting any of them ladies come near with sharp straight razor.' He seemed almost offended she would ask,'Or scissors. I want you to do it.'
Her eyes widened and she crossed her arms over her chest. Sure, she watched her mama cut her brother's hair and would cut Ben and…David's hair. This was Joel. Someone who never stepped any closer than an inch to her. She's placed her hand on top of his a few times, but he always pulled away first. As if her touch were fire.
She wondered what changed his mind.
'
Are you drunk? It's only two thirty in the afternoon, Joel.
He nodded and sighed,'I know that. I ain't though. Drunk.' He scratched his beard and frowned,'I can do it myself.' He rolled his eyes,'Forget I mentioned it. You…you're the only one I know won't kill me.'
Rebecca laughed aloud. It was Joel's way of a compliment. In a small way she knew he was being serious. He still looked over his back, wondering if the Fireflies were coming back to get Ellie and finish the job.
She walked up the porch and bent down, looking over his face,'I reckon you do, cowboy.'
It was something in the way she looked at him sometimes. There was a spark, a flicker that she felt it too. He wasn't imagining it.
'I'll be right back.' She walked into the house freely, making her way through the kitchen.
She grabbed the razor off the sink, using the soap a man made in town. It wasn't shaving cream, but the best they could do under the circumstances.
She took off her flannel, draping it over the chair. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He made her nervous. She wasn't afraid of him. She's never experienced this with anyone else before. Her ex husband wasn't the all American boy he made himself out to be.
Her and Joel endured something together that she hasn't experienced with anyone else. Physically and emotionally. She killed a man for him. She's never killed anyone before. She would do it again in a heartbeat. He was a good man in her eyes. He was a wonderful father figure to Ellie. They were thick as thieves.
He shook her without saying a word. She was uncomfortable around other men, but she didn't generalize him into that category. They've made it through the rough patches, but they've survived it.
She would do it all over again to have this kind of freedom. The lingering looks, saying so much without saying anything at all. The distance between them was getting closer.
It was only a matter of time.
She didn't want the faceless boy back at the party. She couldn't even remember his name. Blurred images of Joel in the alleyway. She's accepted it was jealousy a long time ago. She struggled with it and pushed against it. It wouldn't be today. Neither had the courage nor strength to push it that far yet.
She took a deep breath and walked back out onto the porch. He glanced up at her over his shoulders. She took off her flannel. He could see the bare skin of her shoulders. He's always seen her in the garden like this, but never this close. She had freckles all over her skin from the sun. Her long red hair was in a braid.
Beautiful.
She loved Ellie and Ellie loved her dearly. She was so beautiful to him for that. She encompassed everything beautiful in his world. He didn't know why he brought her with them. Maybe it was because he recognized the same grief, desperation and hopelessness in her eyes. The loneliness. He felt compelled to give her a chance.
He wondered if it was the other way around. Maybe she saved him.
She took the towel out of the water and placed it onto his cheeks. She was leaning close to him. He could feel her breath against his neck. He was thankful for the hat on his lap. He was a man after all. He also kept his hands onto the arms of the chair. Ever the perfect Southern gentleman.
She gently lathered the soap in her hands. She turned around to face and he instinctively sprawled his legs our lazily, giving the comfort and space. He didn't want to scare her away with his thoughts. He could chase them away in the daytime; but never at night. It was relentless.
Rebecca stood at his knees, knowing he liked his space. She leaned in close to him as she gently placed the switchblade at his cheek,'You really do trust me?'
'With my life.' His tone was serious and gruff. She knew he meant it. He shook his head and creates his throat,'Hurry up before I entire head goes gray.'
She smirked as she began to gently trim his beard with the razor,'David used to make me wear scarves to cover my head. He made all the woman wear them. He said hair was a sign of vanity.'
He didn't know why she admitted that to him. She would do that sometimes. She would randomly share snippets of her life with David. She didn't talk much about it. He wouldn't push her. He couldn't say anything. He couldn't take it back. He could listen and provide what feedback he could. If any. He didn't exactly a lot of firsthand knowledge about fanatical religious cults. He remembered Waco, Texas. That had been all over the news. He grew up not too far from there. He didn't think she would want to hear about him.
Joel didn't know what possessed him to do it. Without thinking he gently grasped the lock of her hair that fell loose from the braid. He idly twirled it in his fingers. He was mesmerized by the color of her hair.
He slid his eyes up to her face. She kept the switchblade hovering over his cheek. She was staring at him pensively. She didn't look afraid. Her blue eyes were curious.
He shook his head in disbelief and disgust,'What kinda God or man would wanna fucking cover up something so pretty?'
Her eyes widened at that and she felt as if she were sucker punched. All the wind had been knocked out of her. She knew he could be gentle. She witnessed those tender moments with Ellie. His patience in teaching Ellie to learn guitar. She in Spanish. He was very intelligent. Sadly, a lot of people judged a book like it's cover. They thought he was an animal, a thief smuggler and murderer. Maybe he was all those things, but he more than paid in penance for them.
He chewed on his bottom as he tucked the loose strand of hair behind her ear. His fingertips hovered above her cheek. He desperately wanted to touch her skin, but he dropper his hand and placed it back on the armrest. Look but don't touch.
He broke his rule.
She could feel the tears fill her eyes at his declaration. She hasn't heard tender words like this in a long time. Ever since that night something changed between them. There was a shift in their relationship. It was as if he almost felt guilty for what he did. She didn't want him to feel bad for anything. Friends could have the freedom to do what they wanted without judgment. She never judged him. Disappointed? Very much so.
She blinked the tears from her eyes as he frowned, searching her face,'Why are you crying?'
He didn't like to be around crying women. It made him uncomfortable. He didn't know how to comfort them. He didn't like seeing her cry. Especially because of him. He wasn't worth it.
'I'm not sad, Joel.' She shook her head as she continued to gently trimmed his beard. She glanced up at him, giving him a small smile,'That was just…' She shook her head and sighed,'Really nice for you to say.'
'I meant it.' He shrugged and averted his eyes downward, whispering admittedly,'You're…you're a really beautiful woman, Rebecca. You deserve everything.'
He was trying to make an effort with her. Ellie told him he needed to make it up to her. He couldn't believe he was taking advice from an almost sixteen year old girl. He needed to show people he cared who he would lose them. He was tired of pushing people away. It was exhausting. He did owe it to Rebecca. She deserved to know he cared about her.
She smiled tearfully as she looked over his face,'You deserve everything too.' She sighed when he rolled his eyes,'It's the truth, Joel.'
He looked out at his ranch and raised his eyes up at her,'I got everything I want right here.'
Her heart pounded hard in her chest. He was staring directly at her. The intensify in his eyes shook her. His face was open and vulnerable. He's never looked at her this way before. She wondered what changed for him.
She finished trimming his beard and stood up straight. She grabbed the shears to cut his hair. He closed his eyes, biting back a sigh of contentment as she ran the comb through his hair. His hair was graying and his beard was showing signs of aging. What would she want with an old man like him anyway?
She ran her fingers slowly through his hair as she started cutting it. He enjoyed her fingers gently tugging on the strands. He couldn't remember the last time someone's touched him like this. Men like him aren't used to touches for comfort. Tess wasn't a gentle woman. She was hardened by famine and civil war. She was like him in many ways.
Rebecca. She was soft and warm. There was a fierce strength inside of her. She survived David's cult. He witnessed her murder men for him. She saved him in so many ways.
She leaned in close to him and his head was close to her abdomen. He could feel the warmth radiating from her body. She smelled like vanilla and her garden. She always smelled like flowers. The scene lulled his senses and eased his calm. He's never felt calmness around anyone before. She quieted his mind without even saying a word.
It took every ounce of willpower within him not to place his hands on her hips. It would be so easy to press his head against her abdomen. Would she let him touch her? Would she deny him of her warmth?
He felt crazy around her sometimes. He never let a beautiful woman take control of him, but one look from this woman made him weak. He sounded like a pansy. He wasn't that same naive cocky thirty two year old he was before the outbreak.
It would be so easy for him to pull her into his lap. He wanted to know what her mouth tasted like. Would her skin taste like the flowers she loved so much?
His hands clenched the armrests of the chair. He was clutching it so tightly his knuckles were white. He gritted his teeth to keep from reaching out for her. She would push him away. She would be disgusted by his actions and run far away from him. She's had enough men and their perverted actions. She didn't need another man forcing their way into her bed. He wouldn't take it for granted. It would be a goddamn privilege to be in her bed.
She was well aware of how close they were. She could feel his hot breath through her shirt. She wondered if he felt the shift between them. She knew he didn't mess with Marjorie since that night. He didn't have to say a word. She could tell by the look in his eyes.
Since that night, he's become more aware of her. She's become more aware of him too. He didn't shy away from looking at her anymore.
She told herself it was crazy to think about after everything she's been through, but she couldn't blame others for people's actions and decisions. Joel may have made some bad decisions in their friendship, but he apologized for them. In the best way a man like him could. He's never physically hurt her. Not even emotionally if she thought about it.
He wasn't religious man, but he was trying to make up for his sins.
She finished cutting his hair and used her hand to brush a stray lock of hair away from his face,'All finished.' She smiled softly,'You look really handsome. You ARE handsome.'
He didn't respond back. His eyes were steady on hers. Her eyes widened slightly when she saw the unabashed want in his eyes. This wasn't her imagination. His eyes shone brightly with something she's never seen in his eyes before.
She could look away. She could make some stupid joke and step away from him. She didn't though. She leaned in close to him, her abdomen grazing the top of his head. Whatever was between them simmered slowly, but as each day went by it became clearer to her this wasn't a game they were playing.
For a year they've been dancing around each other. They fought tooth and nail. She pushed back against his stubbornness. She refused to let him collapse within himself. She didn't know when he relented and gave up fighting.
She was tired of fighting too. She was admitting defeat. She's always believed everything happens for a reason. Some people come into your life to teach you something. He made her realize so much about herself. She wasn't afraid of what she felt for him. Not anymore.
Everything that happened to her was in the past. She would keep it there. This was her future.
She took a deep breath and ran her hands through his hair. His eyes widened when she touched him. She was finished cutting his hair. She didn't have to touch him anymore, but she wanted to.
She was making a choice. She was silently telling him he wasn't some crazy old man. She felt it too. He used to be afraid of her. The disappointed look in her eyes that night when she found him with Marjorie haunted him. It was the first time in awhile he's felt guilt. He's made a lot of shitty decisions, but that was the worse of it. He never wanted to to see that look in her eyes again. Especially because of him.
He found himself leaning close to her. He wanted to bury his head in her stomach. He wanted to feel the warmth of her. He wanted her scent all over him. He wanted everything. If she would let him.
His hands stayed on the armrest. He didn't know what she wanted. He didn't dare ask either. Whatever was between them was very new and fragile. They were still broken and needed to work through some things, but everyday brought them one step closer to each other.
Her eyes locked with his and there wasn't any fear on her face. Her blue eyes were wide and open. He could see the want etched deeply into her features. She never looked at him like this before.
His heart was pounding when she gently cupped the back of his head and brought it to her stomach. He closed his eyes, his forehead resting against her. She continued to run her hands through his hair and he relished in her touch. It wasn't overtly sexual. It was for comfort. He couldn't remember the last time a woman touched him like this.
She gasped slightly when he nuzzled into her stomach. She expected him to push away, to become angry and avoid her for days, but he wasn't. He was letting her touch him in the cold light of day. They were on the porch and out in the open. Anyone could come upon them, but in this moment no one else existed in the world but the two of them.
Rebecca knew they were always meant for this. She knew the first time she laid eyes on him in Silver Lake this man was going to become someone important in her life.
Whenever she looked at him and Ellie she saw her future. This is what she meant to do. To be here with this man and his daughter.
Since the outbreak men have used and abused her selfishly for their own gain. Joel treated her like an equal. He respected her decision. He didn't ask anything of her. He just let her be. He was the first man who's ever given her a choice. She chose him.
She sighed shakily as she could feel the his breath seeping through her clothes. She felt her skin flesh out in goosebumps.
'Touch me, Joel.' She whispered,'Wrap your arms around me.'
His eyes widened as he searched her face to see if she was joking. She had a serious look on her face. She nodded silently. She wanted this. Wanted him. He could tell her to leave, but he was a tired man. He was too tired to resist it anymore.
With a deep breath, he slowly wrapped his arms around her slender waist. He was surprised when she placed her other hand in his hair. He wanted to pull her into his lap, but they both weren't ready for that yet. It would be too much all at once.
They could have this though. They could hold each other. They were more than friends. They weren't stupid. Friends don't touch each other like this. Platonic ones anyway. They silently told each other what they couldn't put into words. Maybe they would never say them, but this was more than enough.
It was everything.
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Rebecca had been busy working at the hospital and getting things planned for Ellis birthday dinner. She thought about getting her a gift, but what would she get her? There weren't any malls around and it's not like she made any money. She planned to cook something and make a small birthday cook for her.
Ellie didn't celebrate birthdays. She was taken away from her mother the day she was born. She's never celebrated a birthday. She was going to this weekend. Turning sixteen was a big deal. She was special girl and deserved to be celebrated.
Rebecca was walking out of the hospital after a long shift. She was on night shifts at the hospital this week. A small smile formed on her face when she saw him standing there.
For almost three days straight he came to the hospital to walk her home. She was surprised the first time he did it. He just showed up and shrugged his shoulders asking if she needed a walk home.
She didn't ask why, but she found it comforting. Her building was only down the road, but he intended to see her home safely. Especially in the middle of the night. He was a southern gentleman. A man who's mama raised him right.
Women were probably flocking to him back in the day. She could see the women in town staring at him. Even the younger women. He had a swagger. Even if he didn't know it himself. Women saw him as the dangerous type and were eager to fix him. She didn't want to change a damn thing about him.
He was a good man who did terrible things just to survive. She couldn't fault him for that. She's done some things she wasn't proud of herself. Everyone in town has done bad things. People forget who they are when they are blinded by self righteousness.
She walked over to him and smiled softly,'Hey there, stranger. Long time no see.'
He had a smirk on his face and laughed softly, shaking his head,'I know. I know. You only live a minute away.' His tone was light hearted.
He seemed to be in a good mood tonight. Ever since that night on the porch he seemed to smile more. She loved his smile. His eyes would crinkle up at the corners, the lines on his weathered face would relax. She could almost imagine what he looked like when he was younger. He was probably happy and hopeful.
She hooked her arm in his own. He looked down at her, a surprised look on his face. She's done this ever since the first night he picked her up. Each time he always looked surprised.
He hasn't hugged her again like they did on the porch. She didn't touch his face and cradle his head against her stomach. She didn't expect everything to happen all at once. He was making an effort to get close to her. He talked to her more. He picked her up from work and walked her home, making sure he was safe. Even though he knew she carried at all times. She could handle herself. He just hoped she were strong enough to handle him.
Joel averted his eyes down at her,'How was work?' He cleared his throat,'Anyone die tonight?'
She was staring up at him with a soft smile on her face,'No.' She shook her head,'No one died. It wasn't as busy today, which is a good thing. Today was a good day.' She gently squeezed his arm,'Yours?'
'Finally got that roof on the barn patched up. It'll survive a hurricane.'
She could see the prideful smile on his face. She was proud of him. He was making strides to build a better life for himself and Ellie.
'I don't doubt it.' She shook her head as they stood in front of her building.
He looked up at her building, biting back a sigh. If she were any other woman, he would've already been in her building and bed by now, but he wanted to do things right with this one. Rebecca wasn't a one night stand. She was someone you cherished and tried to be the man she deserved.
She made him want to be a better man. He didn't think it were possible. She saw the food in him.
These walks felt like a blessing and a curse.
Joel kicked his boot into the dirt. She reluctantly let go of his arm and stared up at him. She often wondered why he never wanted to come inside her building. She thought about inviting him herself, but she knew he would decline. It needed to be his choice just as much as hers.
'Thank you for walking me home.' She grinned,'Again.'
She shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. He lifted his head to pensively stare at her. He looked as if he wanted to ask her something.
She decided to put him out of her misery. She placed her hands on her hips and shrugged,'Did ya want to ask me something?'
'Ellie is having a sleepover with Lizzie.' He sighed,'She's too young, but I don't think there's a damn thing I can do about it, ya know? I ain't her daddy.'
Rebecca frowned as she crossed her arms over her chest. He was too hard on himself. Ellie did look up to him as a father figure, but he also gave her the freedoms she deserved. After all the teenager's been through she deserved to have something good in her life.
Rebecca knew he was also stalling,'What is it you wanna ask? I'm getting as old as you over here.'
He snorted and ran a hand through his hair,'I was thinking…you could come over and…have dinner.' He shrugged,'We both gotta eat. Mine as well eat it together.
'We always eat dinner together though.' She pursed her lips. She enjoyed teasing him. She knew what he wanted to ask her. He used to glare at her with annoyance, but it was replaced with fondness.
She wasn't making it easy for him though. Tommy and Ellie kept telling him he needed to ask her out on a date. He thought the idea was really fucking funny. Where would he take her? There weren't exactly any place to go. No restaurants, bars or movie theaters. Just people making the best out of a bad situation.
'Ellie ain't gonna be there.' He sighed and shook his head. This used to be easier when he was younger. He didn't have to try this hard,'I…thought it could just be me and you.'
Rebecca nodded and smiled softly. The worried and hopeful look on his face brought years to her eyes. Whenever he looked at her like that she felt as if she could take on the world.
'I would really like that.' He walked her to her door and opened it for her.
She looked up at him. He knew he did something right when he saw the bright smile on her face. It made him feel like he did something good.
Her blue eyes were teary, but he wouldn't ask why. Some things are best left unsaid.
His eyes slowly roamed over her face. He didn't understand why someone this beautiful was interested in a man like him. She didn't owe him anything.
Her eyes met his as she walked into her building,'I'll be there around six. It's a date.' She smiled softly at him over her shoulder as she walked upstairs to her apartment.
Joel watched her retreating form up the stairs. He laughed to himself. He got himself a date. Ellie wouldn't let him hear the end of it. Tommy would give him the worst of it. The two of them were always conspiring something to piss him off.
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Rebecca was rode up to his house, which was difficult wearing a dress, but she thought it would be appropriate. She's hasn't experienced anything like this in a very long time. Not since she first met Ben. The nervousness and excitement. She didn't know why she was so anxious. This was Joel. They've hung out together for almost a year. Consistently, day in and day out.
This night felt different though. He asked her to come to dinner knowing Ellie was away. She didn't have an excuse to come over. It was the first time he's ever invited her dinner. They would be alone together.
She hopped off and brought her into the barn with Dusty. Her stomach was in knots as she walked up to his house. She's done this so many times it was almost routine. Yet everything felt different.
She smoothed down her dress and walked up to the porch. She knocked on the screen door, rolling her eyes and shaking her head. Should she walk in like she always did? What was the proper etiquette for dating in a Post Apocalyptic world? They made books of puns, but nothing practical.
'Come in.' She smiled to herself when she heard him.
She walked into the house, closing the door behind her. Joel was walking out from the kitchen. They both stopped dead in their tracks and stared at each other.
Joel felt as if he were about to have another heart attack. She looked so goddamned beautiful. She was beautiful. The prettiest damned thing he's ever seen. Her spaghetti strapped dress went to her thighs. His eyes trailed her long tanned legs. The dark green of her dress hugged her lean body. Her red hair was curly from the wind. He smirked as he looked down at her boots. She must've ridden here.
Sadie was a lucky fucking horse.
He shook his head in disbelief,'You look so fucking pretty, darlin.'
The endearment rolled off his lips easily. His tone was gruff, his usually raspy voice was even deeper. It rolled off his tongue like honey. She could hear the sounds of heart thumping loudly in her ears. This must be what drowning felt like.
She looked him over, her breath hitching in her throat at the sight of him. He was wearing light denim jeans and a white button down shirt. He cleaned up his face, his mustache neatly trimmed. His hair was swept to the sides and away from his face.His usually muddied boots were polished and cleaned. He made an effort for her.
'Joel….' She shook her head as she walked closer to him. She slowly and cautiously placed her hand on his chest, rubbing it softly,'You look so handsome. No one's done anything this sweet for me in a long time.'
He narrowed his eyes. If getting gussied up is what set the bar than where in the hell were men's manners nowadays? Did it go away with the outbreak?
Joel took a deep breath. He was grateful for the two shots of whisky he had before she came here. It eased his nerves. He couldn't remember a time he was this nervous before.
He placed his hand over hers that was resting on his chest,'You're worth it, Becca. If I could…I would take ya out proper. I would pick ya up and bring you flowers. Take you to the nicest place I could afford at the time, which wouldn't be much but-'
His eyes widened as she placed her index finger over his lips,'I'm here because I want to be.' He almost sighed gratefully when she took her finger off his lips. He was a few seconds away from swiping his tongue over her finger to know what she tasted like.
'I never cared about that shit back then either. You walk me home every time I work late shifts. No one asked you to do that. You know it's safe, but you do it anyway. That's the kind of man I want, Joel. A good man who's brave and gentle. You…let me make my own decisions. You accept me as I am.'
'I'm so much older than you.' He swallowed harshly,'I ain't a young man anymore. I can't keep up.'
She shook her head and laughed as if it were the most absurd thing she's ever heard,'You keep up just fine. You run circles around these young boys.' She sighed,'Who gives a shit about that? I could die before you, Joel. My mama used to tell me life isn't measured by age. It's what you do in this life that matters. The connections you make with people on your way. We've been through so much shit these past twenty years. Don't you think we deserve something good for a change?
Joel bent his head down and cradled her face in his hands. He gently lifted her head to look at him. Her eyes searched his and for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. She would let him. She chose him.
He didn't though. He kissed her forehead, letting his lips linger for a moment before pulling back,'Let's go eat.'
There wouldn't be another discussion about the road they were heading. There wasn't anything else left to do than just let it happen. Slowly, they began building the foundation of their future brick by brick.
Starting tonight.
They didn't talk much about anything at dinner. Rebecca was too busy enjoying Joel's cooking. No one would know it, but Joel Miller was a really good cook. She complimented his cooking, but he said he wasn't at first. All he had to eat was takeout. When you have to eat to survive you'll learn quick.
Their meal was simple. Meat and potatoes. She was surprised he had red wine at dinner. When she asked him about he said it was from Tess's friend. The slight warning in her tone told her to drop it. He never talked to her about Tess. He had obviously been in love with her, but didn't get the chance to tell her.
She thought it best to leave the subject of Tess alone. They weren't at that level of trust yet.
She helped him clean up dinner and he brought the rest of the bottle outside so they could sit on the porch. Rebecca felt slightly light headed as they stepped outside. She wasn't drunk though. She was a little buzzed, but she was more affected by the company.
She discovered Joel could be charming when he wanted to be. The self righteous ladies in town would say he was being crude, but they understood each other. She didn't need poetic words or the blatant flirting. She wanted the glances Joel would often give her when he thought she wasn't looking. She wanted the man who built a fence around her garden so no animals could get into it.
He wouldn't build things for them in the hospital, such as sturdy cribs for the babies and rocking chair for the older folks in town. He didn't get a thing out of it. He helped because it kept him busy. He could focus his mind on a task. She knew he enjoyed doing it too.
So no. She didn't want the younger man in town. She never gave them a second thought. She already had a man.
She sat at the top of the steps with the glass of wine in her hand. She took her boots off a long time ago.
Her head was resting against the banister and her eyes closed. She had a soft smile on her face as she listened to him okay guitar. She didn't have to beg him to play. He just picked it up from the porch and started playing. She wondered if he didn't this before the outbreak. He had a teenage daughter he raised on his own. How did he lose her? Did she die of the infection? Or did she leave him way before that?
That would be a story for another time. Tonight they could forget about their shitty pasts and live. Joel could forget atoning for his past sins and Rebecca could forget about being held prisoner by a madman. He didn't have to think about killing that kid before in the infection took him.
Joel fiddled around on his guitar, playing a song he remembered from being a kid. He stared down at her, seeing the smile on her face. All of the horrible shit he's done and yet she chose him. If he were being honest with himself, he secretly yearned to be the one. He would like away, thinking about her being on the other side of the wall and thought she would never want someone like him. She kept him guessing. Even now.
He sighed softly as he stood up from the chair. He had enough of putting this space between them. She was right. They did deserve something good.
Starting right now…
Rebecca eyes widened in surprise when she saw him sitting next to her. Their shoulders were pressed together. She could feel the warmth of his skin through the thin material of his shirt. She felt those goosebumps again. She knew her cheeks were flushed. From the wine and proximity. It's a curse to be a redhead.
He stopped playing and carefully placed his guitar on the porch. He thought about taking a sip of his wine, but he wanted to be somewhat sober for this. He didn't want to make her run. She didn't go into depths what happened to her, but he read in between the lines. David passed her around to his men and the Fireflies took advantage of her unconscious.
He refused to be those eager and sick men. He wouldn't take advantage of what she allowed him so far. He got to hold her, bury his nose into her shirt and breathed her in. He came hard that night in his hand, thinking about the way she smelled. How good her warm body would feel pressed against his hardened and battered one.
He took a deep breath and stared down onto her hand resting on her knee. He raised his eyes up to look at her, searching her face. He felt like a teenage girl again, holding onto a girl's hand for the first time.
She pressed her shoulder against his and whispered,'You don't have to ask, ya know?' She smiled softly, 'People usually hold hands on first dates.'
They both used to do a hell of a lot more too, but they were taking their time. Transitioning from friends to…whatever they were doing is delicate. They didn't want to rush things. It didn't mean they couldn't explore this attraction between them. Was it real or convenient. She knew her answer. She was beginning to learn his too.
Joel smirked and slid his hand on top of hers. He slowly tangled their hands together. Her palms were soft. David called her his little lamb. He used to make he's wear gloves all the time. Even in the summer. He wanted her hands delicate and soft. Her hands were becoming worn as well. His hands were calloused and rough. A worker and fighter's hands.'
She wondered what those hands would feel like on her skin. She recently began pleasing herself. Sharon told her it might be good to remind herself she was a woman first and foremost. She was hesitant at first. She couldn't get herself off. It was only until the day on the porch. She had been lying awake in bed, feeling restless and uneasy. She closed her eyes and remembered his strong arms around him.
He would be an incredible lover. She would think back on the night with Majorie. The woman seemed to be loving every minute of it. She came hard that night thinking about his head against her chest. What would it feel like with nothing between them.
Even now she felt flushed just thinking about it.
Without giving it a second thought. She rested her head on his shoulder. His eyes widened as he looked down at her. All he saw was the top of her head. He sighed resolutely and forgot about trying to keep his distance and do right by her, but she was stubborn and hardheaded like him. She wasn't afraid of him. She often stood her ground against him. Even in the beginning when he hated the sight of her.
He sighed softly and rested his chin on top of her head. He couldn't help but kiss the top of her head. He kept it gentle and light. He took the moment to breathe in the scent of her hair. He could smell her throughout the walls. In every single room. She made herself welcome in every aspect of his life.
He wouldn't change a thing about it though. He welcomed it now. Her warmth kept him from freezing in the dark. He would fight to protect this. He was tired of fighting but he would do it for them.
'I'm glad you went instead of Tommy.' She whispered admittedly,'I'm glad it was you who pulled me out of that burning building.' She squeezed his hand gently, emphasizing her point,'I'm glad I'm doing this all with you.' She closed her eyes, knowing she had to be vulnerable with him,'I…I don't want another man but you to touch me in that way ever again.' She kept her eyes locked on his 'Understand?'
There were tears in his eyes, but he doesn't know why. Is this what tears of happiness felt like? It didn't think he knew what that meant anymore. He felt good around Ellie and Becca. They kept his secrets. Never telling a soul the things he had done.
He nodded and smiled wryly. What started off as a way of communication between between them. It was now said without annoyance, but teasing.
'I understand.' He rested his chin on top of her head again, whispering,'I'm glad it was me too.'
The rumbling of his gruff and deep voice reverberated without her skull. The weight of his chin on top of her head. His callused thumb rubbing circles on top of her hand. This is what real and true affection felt like. She's forgotten what that felt like.
She raised her eyes to look up at him, frowning when she saw the tears in his eyes,'Are you okay?'
'Yeah.' He nodded and smiled tearfully,'I just…haven't felt this way in a long time.'
'Happy?' She smiled as tears filled her own eyes,'You're allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be happy. We're allowed to be happy.'
We're allowed to be happy.
Those words echoed throughout his head.
'We're allowed to be happy.' He affirmed softly to her. He looked over her face. Her skin flawless. No cuts or bruises in sight.
'Pretty ain't sufficient enough to describe how you look tonight.' He cleared his throat,'You damn near took my breath away when I saw you standing there.' He snorted,'I almost had another heart attack.'
She laughed and shook her head. She knew he wasn't throwing around words to appease her. He was a truthful man. He was sometimes too brutally honest.
She had been working on her self confidence lately. Even before the outbreak, she wouldn't have made the first move, but things were different now. She wasn't the shy and timid girl she once had been. Men made her try to play the role, but she was always a wolf. Joel taught her that. She was willing to kill for anything that hurt them.
She could feel Joel's beard nuzzling the top of her head. She leaned in even closer to him, her leg resting against his.
It was all they could give each other tonight. It was enough. It was everything.