Chapter 15: And so it is.
'It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.'
-John Joseph Powel
Rebecca was thankful to have a day off. Sharon tried to give the nurses one day off week. She hoped to give more, but they could've afford to lose anyone. They were short staffed enough as it is.
She slept over Joel's house again. She stopped coming in the middle of the night. There wasn't any need to. She spent more time at his house than she did her own anymore.
She still slept in her own room, but she noticed how more and more of her stuff started to accumulate there. It's how it usually begins. Neither she nor Joel would broach the topic. Their…whatever they had going on was still fragile and new.
If anybody were to ask her what she and Joel meant to each other; she would simply say it's complicated.
Their first kiss set the wheels in motion. They've kissed a few more times since then, but nothing else. The few times they've kissed were intense. She ended up in his lap every single time, but he had been surprisingly chaste. He kept his hands on her hips. His hands never roamed. No one would believe her that Joel was the perfect gentleman. She wondered if he was like that with all women. She noticed she was always the one who made the first move or he never would.
What was he so afraid of? She could feel him holding back, which was understandable but no less frustrating. She knew he was hung up on being older than her, but she never equated their friendship in numbers. She measured it by the way he treated her with dignity and respect. He had been the only man in her entire life who didn't want to control her. He always gave her a choice. He'll never understand how much that meant to her.
Since their date a week ago he hasn't asked her on another one. Sure, she ate dinner at his house every night, but Ellie was always there. While she loved her a lot and enjoyed spending time with her; she wanted to spend some alone time with him too. She didn't just want a few kisses she had to initiate. She wanted Joel to want her as well. Maybe she ruined their first kiss. She's been known to ruin a lot of things.
Nothing had changed between them, but that was the agonizing part. They couldn't keep going on as they did. Their needed to be done clarification. Maybe she was just being a girl about it.
She tried holding back, telling herself that it would never work out, but she stopped listening to herself a long time ago. She learned to trust her gut instinct. Joel was one of the good ones. Even if he didn't see it himself.
No one was in the house when she walked downstairs. She figured Ellie was with Lizzie and Joel was working on the ranch or in town. She walked out onto the porch to greet him good morning, but frowned when she didn't see him around the farm. He was usually awake before sunrise working hard on the farm.
She assumed he must've went into town to work with Tommy. She didn't like to think about the alternative. Her fears were getting the best of her.
Deciding to head back into town, walked back into the house to get dressed.
The town was small so it wasn't difficult to spot him. He was standing on a high beam secured up high on a cable. He looked to be repairing a roof. She looked up at him, pursing her lips. Should she say hi? Was that too creepy?
She rolled her eyes and laughed to herself. They've known each other almost a year and a half. They've been through so much shit together. They would get through this. Without or without each other was anyone's guess.
Rebecca waved when she saw Maria. Tommy's wife walked over to her, holding their son against her chest in a sling.
Rebecca was always happy to see Maria and baby Sebastian. It was Joel and Tommy's grandfather's name. She helped deliver this baby. Just looking down at the baby and knowing you helped bring him into this world is a powerful thing. You feel special and honored just to be included in such a beautiful event. She's witnessed so much death and destruction over the years. It felt good to see new life breathing into this world. Sebastian was the next generation. They would create and build upon the future they were making in Jackson.
Rebecca gently rubbed the baby's head and caressed his chubby cheek,'He's getting bigger everyday.' She smirked,'He looks a lot like Tommy.'
She snorted and nodded,'Yeah and I did all the wrong. The majority of it anyway.' She looked up at Tommy and Joel,'How are things going with your Miller boy?'
She shook her head and sighed,'I really don't have an answer for that.' She glanced up at him and frowned,'He asked me to dinner a week ago.' She shrugged,'We kissed a few times, but I'm not sure of anything else. Nothings changed between us.'
'You want it to though. Maria frowned when she saw the distressed look on her face,'Tommy did the same thing to me, you know.' She smiled as Rebecca's eyes widened,'Oh, he wasn't anything like he is now. When I first met him he was a lot like Joel. Angry, bitter and violent. All he wanted is to find Joel. It was the only thing he cared about.' She sighed,'It took us a long time to get where we are now. It didn't come easy.'
'What if he wants to just keep it the way it is?' She shrugged,'What if he doesn't want anything more?'
Maria laughed and shook her head,'I just witnessed that man almost fall to his death because all he could was stare at you.' She glanced back at the boys,'With men like the Millers I've learned you have to be patient. The patience pays off. Tommy told me that he's never seen Joel look at whoever woman the way he looks at you.' She laughed,'I shouldn't even be saying this. You need to figure it out for yourself.'
'Then why tell me?'
'I don't want you doing the same thing I did. I don't want you blaming yourself or driving yourself crazy over the what if's?' She smirked,'From one women to another though? The Miller boys think they're so mysterious. Typical men right? Call Joel on his bluff. Make him realize you're not going anywhere. Sometimes when we want something we have to take it for ourselves.'
Sebastian woke up and immediately started crying. Maria cooed to him and gently rocked him back and forth,'I gotta get him down for a nap. Stop by later for a drink will ya? I miss talking to you.'
'I will.' She smiled and bent down to kiss Sebastian on the head,'Thank you, Maria. For everything.'
'It's what future sister in laws do for each other.'
Rebecca's eyes widened as Maria walked away all the while smiling to herself. She almost felt bad for Joel. He wasn't going to know what hit him.
Rebecca let Maria's words sink in. She believed her, but she didn't understand what she was supposed to do. She hasn't done this in so long. Dating was weird with or without a zombie apocalypse.
She looked up at Joel, who was placing a tile on the roof. She nodded resolutely to herself. If he wasn't going to do anything about it than she would. They couldn't keep hanging in limbo.
Joel tried not to look at her, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so. He must've placed the same tile on the roof over a dozen times. She wrecked his calm. Even before they kissed.
It was torture to be around her. Now that he knew what she tasted like he wanted more. He felt like a man starved. He could've even sleep anymore. He would lay awake at night thinking about her in the next room. He wanted to go to her so many tines. He even found himself standing in front of her door, but he stopped himself before he could knock. Ge wouldn't interrupt her sleep because he was a pervy asshole.
He didn't just want sex with her. He wanted to lay down beside her and feel her warm body against his own. He wanted to bury his face in her neck and sleep soundly. It wasn't fair for her to take on his burdens. It's why he kept his distance. Even though it killed him not to touch her.
He cursed as the hammer hit the pad of his thumb. He placed the hammer onto the roof and sighed in frustration. He needed to get his head together. He wasn't sleeping well and all he did was think about her. It's all he seemed to do anymore. He's never met a woman that did this to him before. He couldn't focus whenever she came into his mind.
As if sensing his older brother's woes Tommy clapped a hand on his back,'That's like the twentieth time you almost died.' He grinned as he saw Rebecca walking into her building,'How are things with you and Rebecca?'
'I don't know.' He answered honestly,'We had a…date and we…ya know kissed but that's it.'
'Joel Edward Miller the second only kissed a woman?' His eyes widened,'I would've thought she moved in by now. Is she…taking things too slow?'
Joel shook his head and let out a dry laugh,'No, she's…been great. It's me.'
'You?' Tommy stared at the man he thought was his brother, but he wasn't so sure anymore,'Forgive my bluntness but YOU of all people have a woman that looks like her and you haven't made any moves. Whatsoever?'
Joel shook his head silently. He didn't want to get into this right now. He doesn't know why he's putting a wedge between them. They've known each other for so long. All roads were leading them to this.
'I do.' He snorted as he ran a hand through his hair,'It's all I fuckin think about sometimes. I just…' he sighed,'I don't want to scare her away from me. I can be a lot sometimes.'
'You a lot?' Tommy gasped dramatically,'No way.'
Joel rolled his eyes at his sarcastic tone. He couldn't make him understand. He didn't understand it himself. He knew something had to give. He couldn't keep hurting her anymore. Not when he wanted this. He wanted it so much.
He watched as she walked into her building. He made a silent vow to himself. This needed to be resolved. One way or another.
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After spending some time with Maria, Rebecca went back home to shower and change. She thought about heading over to Joel's house, but she thought about what Maria said. She needed to call him out on his bluff. If he wanted this too he would have to make the effort as well.
She just changed into her pajamas when there was a knock on the door. Someone was banging loudly on her door. Her heart started racing. She wasn't expecting anyone. Did David's group find her? Did the Fireflies come to finish the job?
She saw Joel standing in the hallway and sighed in relief. No one was here to kill her. Not physically anyway.
She took a few moments before opening the door. She was nervous. Did he come to tell her he didn't want to be involved anymore? Would they still keep their friendship? Would Ellie still want to be around her? She didn't want to lose the best friends she's ever had.
She opened up the door and gave him a small smile,'Hey.'
He shoved his hands into his pockets as he looked up at her. She wearing a tank top and shorts. She didn't dress like this when she slept over his house. Is this what she looked like when he was in the room next to her? He was never going to get sleep ever again.
'Hey, honey girl.' He cleared his throat,'You didn't come out to the house for dinner. Ellie wanted me to check on you.' He shifted on his feet as his eyes met hers,'I wanted to check on you too.'
She smiled softly. He looked so lost. He was probably rusty with this too. Tommy told her he was a woman magnet back in the day. She wasn't surprised. He was handsome now. So much in fact that she struggled to breathe when he looked at her like this. It was the look of a man deprived.
She opened her door wider, giving him access to enter. He walked into her apartment. His eyes scanned her living room and he shook his head,'How come this is the first time I've ever been in here?'
'I'm usually over at your house all the time.' She shrugged,'The invitation was always there, Joel. You just never accepted it.'
He thought about all the times he walked her back here from work. He wanted to go up to her room so many times. He thought she didn't want it. Yet, here she was admitting that she wanted him in her personal space.
He took a deep breath and collected his nerves. He walked over to her and cupped her face in his hands,'Technically I could be your father.'
'You're not though, Joel. I never once thought that.' She sighed and placed her hands over his that were resting on her face,'I used to be afraid but I'm not anymore.' She met his gaze, wanting for him to see the sincerity in them,'It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It can just be something.'
He shook his head and vehemently said,'No. I'm not half assing this, Becca.'
He hated talking about his feelings. He never knew what to say. He always ended up saying the wrong thing which would make everything worse.
He thought about Tommy's words from earlier. He needed to man up or he was going to lose her forever. He refused to give this up.
'I'm not half assing either.' She smiled tearfully,'I've always been all in, Joel. Ever since we met. I don't care about how old you are or the things you did in your past. All I care about is the way you treat me. You're a good man. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't want to be.'
He smiled at her fondly and stroked her cheeks as he looked over her face,'I didn't like it when you weren't there for dinner.'
Her eyes widened in surprise. In his own way, he was telling her he missed her. Tears filled her eyes at the realization she wasn't alone in this. He felt it too.
'I'm afraid, Becca. I ain't ever been afraid before you.' He had tears in his own eyes,'Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes out of nowhere. I have these…nightmares. I don't remember them. I just know that when I wake up. I feel like I lost somethin.' I'm failing in my sleep. It's all I ever do. It's all I ever done is fail you and Ellie over and over again.'
She couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks at his declaration. His southern drawl was even more pronounced as his voice cracked with emotion. She appreciated this moment. He was finally letting her know how much he trusted and cared for her. Even if he couldn't say the words outright.
'Why didn't you come over tonight?' He frowned, the vulnerability etched deeply into his hardened features.
'I don't know.' She shrugged,'I guess I didn't want to come on too strong.'
'I didn't like it.' He shook his head,'I didn't like not seeing you at dinner. Ellie didn't like it either.' He swallowed harshly,'You don't ever fucking worry about coming on too strong. You're welcome to any part of me. Understand?'
She laughed as she blinked the tears out of her eyes,'I understand.'
His eyes roamed over her face. He stared at her mouth. Deciding to bite the bullet, he leaned in and kissed her. She gasped in surprise by cupped the back of his neck and brought his head down to hers. He deepened the kiss immediately. He didn't take his time like he usually did. He needed to show her how much she meant to him. Even if he couldn't say the words.
He slid his hands off her face and tangled his fingers in her hair. He gently tugged on her hair in his tight closed fist. She moaned into his mouth and he made mentally made a note on what she liked. She sucked his tongue into her mouth and his knees almost buckled.
He gently pulled away first and rested his forehead onto her shoulder. Their breathing was ragged and harsh. She was running her hand through his hair as he cradled the back of head with his hand.
He nuzzled into her bare shoulder. She was so warm and smelled so good. He could get lost in her. Not even caring if he lost himself in the process.
'I'm all in. He whispered against her skin.
She smiled tearfully and kissed the top of his head,'I'm glad we're on the same page.'
She shivered as he pressed a kiss to he's bare shoulder. His facial hair was scratching at her skin, but it was headiest sensation. She's never felt this way with a man before. Where she could fully speak her mind without fear of being ridiculed or reprimanded. He gave her the freedom to be herself. She was always enough for him.
He snorted as he pressed his nose against her shoulder, breathing her in,'We've always been on the same page, honey girl. It just took me awhile to catch up.'
'I wish I could take you out.' His words were mumbled against her skin,'I ain't got nothing to offer ya.'
'Sure you do. 'She gently scratched his scalp as he sighed against her skin. His breath was hot fleshing goosebumps on her skin,'You're offering you. It's all I want.'
He wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her against him,'Come back to the house with me. We both need some sleep. Ellie is staying tomorrow. I owe you a second date.'
'You don't owe me anything.'
I owe you more than you know. He thought to himself.
He shook his head and sighed,'I still want a second date anyway.'
She could feel the heat rising to her cheeks. She couldn't remember the last time a man made her blush. She wondered what changed his mind.
'You want it.' She smirked,'You got it.'
He chewed on his bottom lip. If she only fucking knew.
(Stay tuned for the second date)