Chapter 16:Beautiful War
'Sometimes all you need is a second chance, because time wasn't ready for the first one.'
Rebecca wasn't as nervous as she had been for their first date, but they butterflies were still there. She thought they always would be when it came to him. He made her nervous, but in a good way.
She went back to his house the night before. They stayed up most of the night talking. She had sat in his lap on the porch while he kept his arms wrapped around her.
She had awoken in the guest bedroom, tucked underneath the covers. He must've brought her to bed when she fell asleep. She dared let anyone say Joel Miller wasn't a gentleman. He had a bleeding southern heart. He just refused to admit it.
She was in the kitchen making breakfast and starting the coffee. It was only five in the morning, but she couldn't sleep. She was anxious to see him again. She's never been this scared or excited with any of her past relationships. He made her giddy. Sure, he was rough around the edges, but deep down he was a sweetheart. He just needed to be comfortable enough to show it.
Joel was about to walk into the kitchen to get some coffee. He abruptly stopped in the doorway when he saw her. He smirked to himself when he saw her at stove. She was cooking something and he felt his stomach grumble. He was always starving first thing in the morning.
He chewed on his bottom lip as she bent down to grab something. He was starving for something else too. He couldn't deny how attracted he was to her. She was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Inside and out. She didn't make things easy for him. She fought back just as much as he did. Until they relented and gave in. The dam was fit to burst sooner or later.
He had to admit, she looked good in his kitchen. She was still wearing her pajamas. Shorts and a tank top. She pulled her hair up in a messy ponytail. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorway.
'A man could get used to this.' He finally spoke and she jumped.
She turned around and smiled softly as he walked over towards her. He surprised her by holding her face in his hands and kissing her deeply. She gasped into the skin and leaned up on her tiptoes to reach his height. She held his face in her hands and eagerly returned his kiss. She could always feel his kisses right down to her bones. He got under her skin in the best way possible.
Joel gently pushed her back against the counter. She gently bit the tip of his tongue and something seemed to break inside of him. He slid his hands down to her waist and easily lifted her onto the counter.
She immediately wrapped her legs around his waist and grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulling him close to her. He growled softly as her heels dug into his back. He sucked her tongue into his mouth, making her moan softly into his kiss.
Rebecca felt herself getting aroused. Her panties were soaked through. She couldn't remember the last time she's been this turned on for anyone. Not even with her husband. Joel turned her on just by smiling at her.
He reluctantly pulled his lips from hers before he fucked her on the counter before Ellie came downstairs. He was hard as a rock and his jeans were becoming constricting and painful. He would need to take care of himself before he went to work. He's been jerking off a lot lately. He hasn't jerked off this much since he was a teenager. He never wanted anything this badly before.
He imagined it in his mind every time he was with her in the kitchen. He kept those thoughts to himself. She didn't need to know of his dark and deepest desires.
When it came to something he wanted he could be intense sometimes. He hoped she would be able to handle him.
He rested his forehead against hers. His arms caged her in. His hands were balled into tight fists on the counter. He was shaking with need. The hunger for her scared him. She made him lose focus. She turned him on just by existing. He would never share these thoughts with anyone. He was too ashamed to admit defeat.
She ran her hands through his hair at the back of his neck, making him sigh softly. She nuzzled her nose against his, whispering,'Good morning.'
He hummed softly, the sound reverberating throughout his chest as he mumbled,'It is now.' He leaned down and nuzzled into her neck, breathing her in,'You wreck my calm, honey girl.'
Her eyes widened as she looked over his face. The want and desire were elucidated on his face. His pupils were blown wide. He was breathing raggedly. It was like her face was reflected in his.
'You…' She shook her head in disbelief,'Want me that much?'
He pressed the length of his body against hers, slightly pressing his erection against her abdomen. She wasn't afraid, but curious. She knew men desired her. She could feel their eyes on her in town. While she understood Joel wanted her; he wasn't just interested in her body. She treated her as an equal. She could love him for that.
He pressed kisses along her neck, reveling in the smoothness of her skin. She shivered as his beard and mustache rubbed against her bare skin. The delicious chill went up her spine, fleshing goosebumps out upon her skin.
Now that he knew he could touch and kiss her. It's all he wanted to do. He was a man deprived. It felt like he had been deprived of her his entire life.
She took a deep breath to gather her courage. She could do this. She was strong and brave. Joel wouldn't take advantage of her. He respected her and moved along at her pace, but she wanted more too. They deserved to be happy after everything they've been through.
She grabbed his hand and he loosened his fist. She smiled at that. She was safe with him. She trusted him.
She kept her eyes locked on his as she took his hand and slid it down her shorts. His eyes widened when he realized she wasn't wearing any panties. She was going to be the death of him.
He shakily exhaled as he searched her face. He desperately needed to know what she wanted. In this moment, he would give her anything she asked of him. Anything.
'It's okay.' She whispered encouragingly,'I want you to feel how much I want this. I want you, Joel.'
His eyes widened slightly. When he woke up this morning he didn't expect to have his hand down her pants. He wondered if he were still dreaming. It would be the only good dream he has anymore.
He slowly slid his index finger up and down her slit. He wanted so much to see her. He wanted her spread out before him like a fucking buffet. He never got this intimate with Tess or Marlene. He wouldn't allow himself. In their line of work, you couldn't trust anybody.
It wasn't like this Rebecca. He could be the man he wanted to be. She made him want more for himself than fighting, drinking and almost drugging himself to death. It was always hurried with Tess. He never gave himself time to enjoy himself. He thought he didn't deserve it. He wanted to take his time with her though. He wanted to experience everything she had to offer. He wanted to do things right with her.
He heard Ellie's footsteps upstairs. She was up for school. He closed his eyes and sighed, cursing inwardly. Of course she would wake herself up for school all bright eyed and bushy tailed. He was about one minute away from eating her out on the counter.
He gently tugged on her earlobe with his teeth, making her gasp slightly,'I'm gonna go to the bathroom and jerk myself off thinking about all the things I want to do to you.' His whispered words into her ear made her head spin,'It's better she woke up. When I make you come for the first time I wanna hear it. I wanna see you go wild for me and you will, darlin? Understand?'
His heated words did her head in. She couldn't seem to think straight. He ran the tip of his index finger teasingly up and down her slit, making her whimper. It's been so long since she's been touched by someone she actually wanted. She forgot how it felt to truly be needed.
He leaned back and smirked as he looked over her face. Her cheeks were red and her chin and neck were irritated from his facial hair. Her eyes were glassy and half lidded with lust. It made him feel proud a woman like her wanted anything to do with him.
Even before the outbreak, he never got women like her. They didn't want his baggage. He had a teenaged daughter and barely made ends meet. It's why he stuck to barflies. They didn't expect anything. He had a clean break. Women like Rebecca wanted more than he had been willing to give. There wasn't anything else for him to lose at this point.
He slowly slid his hand out of her shorts and sucked on his index finger. His eyes fluttered shut and the euphoric look on his face made her forget to breathe. He wrecked her too.
'You taste as good as I thought you would.' He licked his lips, whispering,'You're gonna taste even better on my tongue.'
His tone sounded like a threat, but his words were full of promise. Joel was a man of action. He would do anything he promised.
He smirked at the bewildered look on her face. He remembered their previous words from last night. She wanted him. No one else but him. He wouldn't that for granted.
He leaned back from the counter and pressed a kiss to her forehead, whispering,'You didn't have to cook breakfast for me, ya know. You ain't my maid.'
She rolled her eyes and laughed softly. Maria had warned her about The Miller men and their pride,'I wanted to. You cook all the time for me, Joel.' She shrugged,'Besides, cooking for you has its perks.'
He laughed softly as he helped her off the counter. He stared down at his erection that was protruding through his jeans. He needed to take care of himself. He didn't want Ellie to see him like this.
'I'll be back in a few.' He cleared his throat,'I need to take care of…something.'
She nodded and bit back a smirk. She knew what he needed to take care of. She rubbed her thighs together and frowned. She might need to take care of herself too.
Ellie walked into the kitchen and rubbed her eyes sleepily. She looked over at Rebecca, her eyes scanning her up and down grinning,'Did you and Joel just fuck in here or something? He seemed annoyed to see me. I asked him what was wrong and he just went into the bathroom.
Rebecca sighed as poured coffee into two mugs,'We didn't fuck on the counter or anywhere else for that matter.'
She refused to lie to her. Ellie had trust issues to begin with. She didn't trust adults. Rebecca made sure to always tell her the truth. The truth hurts sometimes but lies hurt people even more. You can't run away from the truth.
'You haven't fucked yet?' Her eyes widened and she shook her head in disbelief,'I would've already went for it if you were my girlfriend.'
'I could only be so lucky.' She laughed as she placed a plate of food at the table,'Eat up before school.'
Ellie sat down at the table as she looked up at Rebecca, pursing her lips,'Are you and Joel together?'
Rebecca was silent a moment. She didn't know how to answer. Truthfully, she didn't know herself. They never talked about it. She figured it was too soon to have that conversation.
She sat down next to Ellie and shrugged,'I honestly don't know. We're just taking things day by day.' She nodded, whispering admittedly,'I care a lot about him though. I…I would do anything for that man. He's a good man, Ellie. I never felt this way about anyone before.'
Rebecca thought it was silly she was speaking on heart matters with a teenage girl, but Ellie was her best friend. She could talk to her about anything.
Ellie took a bite of her eggs and smiled knowingly,'He cares about you too. I know he does. I see him watching you all the time. He's always asking about you, thinking I don't know what he's trying to do.' She sighed,'I've seen him with Tess. I…I was there when she died. She was really in love with him. I think he loved her too. Just not in the way she wanted. She was a good woman though. She was badass. Tough as nails.'
'Not like me right?' Rebecca immediately regretted her words,'I didn't mean it like that.'
'I know.' Ellie took another bite of her eggs,'He didn't stare at Tess all the time though.'
Rebecca wondered what she meant by that. Joel never talked about Tess. It was a sore subject for him.
Joel walked into the kitchen, his eyes averting back and forth between the two women, 'What did I do?'
Rebecca shook her head as she and Ellie shaded a knowing smile,'Nothing.'
'Nothing at all.' Ellie echoed back as she dug back into her breakfast.
Joel stared at them unconvincingly. He rolled his eyes, staring up at the ceiling as he shook his head, sighing in exasperation. These two were going to be the death of him.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Rebecca was walking down the pathway to Joel's house. It was a beautiful night and she decided to walk to his house. She needs to burn off some nervous energy.
This was their second date. They would be alone again. She knew Joel would make do on his promise, which is why she didn't wear any panties. She couldn't wait to see his face when he realized this.
They wouldn't have sex tonight. They weren't ready for that yet, but they could enjoy each other. They could take their time and slowly get to know each other as lovers.
She stared up at the sky. The sun was just about to set, enveloping the sky in an amber glow. Wyoming had the most beautiful sunsets. Maybe she could convince Joel to watch one with her one day.
She got to the end of the trail and frowned when she saw Marjorie walking out of his house. Her heart pounded rapidly. She felt like she were going to die. She couldn't breathe. She felt nauseous. She thought about heading back home, but she refused to run away from this.
I will not be a victim anymore. She repeated the mantra Sharon taught her over and over again.
She waited until Marjorie headed towards the opposite way into town. She thought about chasing after her. She could shoot her dead and bury in the mountains, letting the animals eat her down to dust. No one would miss her. They would think she ran away.
Rebecca decided against it. She was better than that. She was better than him.
She waited until Marjorie disappeared down the trail. She walked into his house. She was shaking with rage. He made her feel so stupid and used. Everything he said had been a lie. He just wanted in her bed. She almost gave it to him. David had been right. She was still a naive little girl with foolish dreams.
She slammed the door as she walked in the house, tears blurring her vision,'Joel!' She shouted as loud as she could,'Joel fucking Miller. You come downstairs and face me like a man!'
She became concerned after she didn't see or hear him. She walked all around downstairs and he wasn't anywhere to be found. She walked up the stairs, feeling her heart in her throat. She heard movement in his bedroom.
She shook her head and snorted. What an asshole. While she was getting ready for their date he was balls deep in someone else. They suited each other. They were born raging narcissists.
'You son of a bitch. I should-' she stopped dead in her tracks at his doorway.
He was sitting on the edge of the bed. He was fully dressed. The bed wasn't rumpled like he had been fucking someone in it. It was neatly made.
His head was in his hands and he slowly rocked back and forth. He was wearing a black button down shirt and a clean pair of jeans. He brushed his wet hair back and even shined his shoes. He looked so handsome. He dressed up for their date only to fuck someone else.
'Joel?' She whispered and shook her head,'What's going on?'
He slowly raised his head to look up at her. His hair was wild and his eyes were glassy. His pupils looked like pin dots.
She thought back to Marjorie. She must've given him something. She didn't need to be a nurse to know he was higher than a Georgia Pine.
'Didn't fuck her.' His words were slurred and his movements were sluggish,'Wouldn't do that again. Not to you. Never again.'
She frowned as she quickly wiped her tears away. She walked over to him and cupped his face in her hands, slowly lifting his head up to look at him,'Did she give you something.'
'Pills.' He readily admitted,'Nervous…take the edge off.'
'Nervous about what?' She stroked his face,'Is it someone?'
He snorted and nodded,'You.'
Her eyes widened as tears fell down her face. If this wasn't such a fucked up situation, she thought it would be sweet. He was nervous for their second date.
Ever since they first met, she always assumed he was using pills. There would be times when he would be off. He excused it as being tired, but she knew.
She was angry at Marjorie. She gave drugs to a man who recently recovered from a heart attack. She would deal with her later. Right now her focus was solely on Joel.
She couldn't let anyone in town know this. They were already afraid of him. The only people she trusted were Tommy, Maria, Ellie and Sharon. Her boss would help him. He needed help.
Joel kept shaking his head muttering something to himself. She gently took the flask of liquor out of his hands, sliding it into the hallway.
'Failed her. Gonna fail you and Ellie too.' He winced as he tugged on his hair,'I failed her.'
Who was he talking about? Tess or Sarah. She understood why he got high. There were plenty of times she thought about it herself, but she never did. She hated not being in control.
She nodded determinedly, knowing what she had to do. She got up from the floor and bent down, kissing him on top of his head.
She walked around his room, gathering every single weapon she could find. He told where he hid some too. Just in case she needed to use it when he wasn't around.
She looked for any more pills. She made him get up as she turned the mattress. Nothing.
She gently eased him back into bed, pulling the covers up over him. He stared up at her, the blanket up to his chin. He slid his hand out and ran his hand over the dress,'So pretty…shouldn't be mine. Too pretty…ugly…old…useless.'
He spit out the last word venomously. Suddenly, it all made sense to her. He thought he didn't deserve anything because of what happened to Sarah. He needed to accept her death so he could move on. The first step was getting sober.
Rebecca sat down on his bed and ran her hand through his hair,'You're gonna be okay.'
She leaned down and kissed his lips quickly. She got up from his bed and left his room, making sure to lock it behind her. She managed to pull the dressers into the hallway and pulled it against the door. She needed to make sure he didn't get out. He was probably knocked out by now, but they were in for hell when he woke up and realized what was happening.
Ellie came up the stairs to grab a book she forgot to bring to Lizzie's. Her eyes widened when she saw Rebecca pushing her dresser against Joel's door.
She cautiously walked over to Rebecca and frowned,'Is he infected?' She started to panic as she stared helplessly at his door,'Did he get bit, Becca? Please tell me.
'He didn't get bit.' She leaned down and placed her hands on her shoulders, staring directly into her eyes,'How long has Joel been using drugs?
Ellie sighed as she looked down at her beat up sneakers. She knew Joel was taking pills. He had been for awhile now. She never spoke about it. She didn't want anyone in town giving him more shit. He was also a grown man. She tried to help him once but she snapped her at. She didn't mention ir anymore after that.
'Ever since I've known him.' She shrugged,'Him and Tess were into it. I always saw them passing pills to each other.'
'Bullets and pills.' Rebecca stated. She remembered Joel's words from Silver Lake. It's the only thing manufactured anymore. At least in other QZs anyway. She wondered where Marjorie even got the pills.
Drugs. The common ground for Joel and Tess. Suddenly everything began making sense.
Rebecca sighed as she gently squeezed her shoulders,'I need you to go into town and tell Tommy what's going on. Do not let him bring anyone else. Tell him to bring supplies to board up his window from the outside. Tell Sharon to come up here. She won't say anything. Doctor/patient privilege. Don't tell anyone else what's going on here. Not even Lizzie.'
Ellie nodded as she stared at his door,'Is he gonna be okay?'
'Not really.' She answered truthfully,'He will be though.'
'I'll be back.' Ellie hugged Rebecca and ran down the steps, skipping every other one.
Rebecca could trust Ellie to get the job done. She trusted her friends too. She sighed as she walked into the bathroom to grab towels and a bucket.
She didn't imagine their second date going this way. She assumed they would have dinner, share a bottle of wine and sit on the porch together. They would touch each other. She thought it would be normal.
She should've known dating Joel would be anything but normal.