Chapter 17:No one said it would be easy.

'My recovery must come first so that everything I love In Life doesn't have to come last.'

-Unknown

Rebecca was sitting in the hallway by his door waiting for Ellie to arrive with Tommy. The dresser was still barricaded against the door. She knew when he woke up that he would be pissed. He would be coming down from whatever Marjorie had given him. He would be angry and…hostile.

She brought her knees to her chest, listening and waiting for Tommy and Ellie to arrive. She was still in her dress for their date. She needed to get changed, but she couldn't leave him right now. She wanted to be there in case he woke up.

She heard the door open and close. She quickly got up as the footsteps ascended up the stairs. She sighed in relief when she saw Tommy and Ellie.

Tommy walked over to her and frowned,'He's asleep?'

'Yeah.' She nodded,'I don't know for how long. I don't know how many pills he took. He…wasn't in the right frame of mind. He could hardly speak. I think he took a lot of them.

Tommy sighed and shook his head. He wasn't angry at his brother. He understood the pain he was in. He was disappointed though. He promised he wasn't doing that anymore.

Joel's always had an addictive personality. Whether it be booze or women. Before the outbreak he never used drugs. He drank and smoked cigarettes, but drugs were off limits. He had a child to raise.

'I talked to Sharon and she's on her way.' Ellie piped in as she stared at his door,'Did he wake up yet?'

'No.' Rebecca sighed,'The drugs knocked him out for awhile.' She turned to Tommy,'No one else knows right?'

'No one in town knows a thing. Just me, Sharon and Maria.' He lifted up his bag,'I'm gonna barricade the window so he can't jump out.' He frowned,'You know when he wakes up he's gonna be pissed.'

'I know.' Rebecca nodded,'I don't care if he's pissed. I just want him better.'

Ellie darted her eyes back and forth between them,'What if he doesn't want to get better?'

'He wants to.' Tommy met Rebecca's gaze,'I talked to him about it the other day.'

Rebecca wasn't surprised Tommy knew about his drug use. He was his brother and knew him better than anybody. Maybe he used before the outbreak. It wasn't her business. The only thing she could focus on is the here and now.

Tommy sighed and placed his hand on Rebecca's shoulder,'I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he told me he wanted to get clean for you and Ellie. He wanted to be the man you deserve.'

Tears filled Rebecca's eyes at his admission. She wished he would've talked to her about this. He could be so open and honest about some things, but a closed book when it came to some things in his past. He wouldn't even talk to her about Sarah

'You love him.' Tommy stated as fact. He didn't even have to ask her.

'Yes.' She spoke without hesitation. Ellie and Tommy deserved to know she was in this for the long haul.

'I'm in love with him.' She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face.

She quickly wiped them away, feeling angry at herself for not seeing the signs sooner. She was a nurse. She was trained for this. Maybe she didn't want to see it. She was blind when it came to him sometimes.

'I can't make it stop.' Rebecca sighed shakily,'I love him so fucking much and I…I know he doesn't feel the same way. I know that.'

'You don't know that.' Ellie stood in between her and Tommy to face her,'I think…' she shook her head,'No, I know he loves you. I may be only sixteen, but I know what love is. He looks at you like I looked at Riley.'

Rebecca's eyes widened. She understood the significance of that. She knew neither would admit to love at this point. They didn't have to say the words to each other, but they knew.

The door opened and closed again. Someone came up the steps and they all turned their heads, seeing Sharon standing there.

She had her medical bag in her hand with an exasperated look on her face,'If money still had value I would be making a killing off this man.'

Ellie looked up at her and smirked,'Pun intended.'

Rebecca rolled her eyes and waved her hands at his door,'I locked him in his room.'

Sharon snorted and nodded,'That you did. I need to take a look at him though.'

Tommy wasted no time in pulling the dresser away from the door. He did it so easily. The Miller brothers were enigmas. They were capable of such strength. She remembered Joel telling her Tommy used to be a hellcat back in the day. She could see it.

Rebecca unlocked the door with her key. Tommy went in first, with the rest following after him.

Joel was curled up into a ball under the blankets. His hair was wild and drenched sticking to his sweaty forehead. He was sound asleep.

Sharon examined him while Rebecca followed her instructions. She needed to forget about this man being someone she deeply cared for and be a nurse. She needed to separate the two, but as she looked at him she found it difficult to do that.

Tommy brought Ellie outside to help him barricade the windows. They all knew Joel was brazen enough to jump out a window. They witnessed him doing crazier things.

Sharon finished examining him and they walked downstairs in the living room. Rebecca made some tea for them. They needed to figure out a game plan.

Rebecca turned to her friend and boss,'What happens next?'

'We wait until he wakes up.' She shrugged,'He needs to be sedated or at least calmed down. He's idling at a seven at all times, Rebecca. He's not going to be happy being essentially held as a prisoner.'

Rebecca pursed her lips and shook her head, whispering admittedly,'Tonight was supposed to be our second date, Sharon. I…I came here for our date and I saw Marjorie here. I thought he…' she shook her head. She couldn't even finish the thought, 'He told me he didn't and I believed him. I do believe him. She gave him drugs. I'm going to deal with her. You know that right?'

Sharon let out a dry laugh, 'I wouldn't expect anything less, but please don't kill her. I cans have my best nurse being hanged for murder.'

Rebecca leaned back against the couch and crossed her arms over her chest,'I'm not gonna kill her, but I've let her play games with him…with us for far too long. He just recovered from a heart attack and she's given him drugs.'

She gave him more than that too, but she wouldn't mention that to Sharon. She didn't need to know everything. She wanted to kill Marjorie though, but she wouldn't do that. She had too much to lose.

'What happens now, Sharon?' She took a sip of her tea,'What do we do?'

'We wait.' Sharon looked up at the stairs,'And pray to God those locks and barricades Tommy put on his door and windows hold him.'

Rebecca wasn't so sure about that. She's witnessed what Joel is capable of. He had strength she's never seen in another person before. He was capable of brutal violence. He wouldn't hurt them, but when someone is going through withdrawal they're capable of anything.

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Joel blinked his bleary eyes and groaned softly. His head was pounding. His throat felt dry and his tongue was heavy in his mouth. The cotton mouth told him he took too many. The story of his life.

He slowly sat up, holding his head in his hands. The room was dark. He had no clue what time it is.

He laid back onto the bed, sighing as he ran his hands through his hair. He suddenly remembered had something important to do.

The images flashed into his head. He had been nervous before their date. He knew things were different the second time around. He would touch her, kiss and make her his in every sense of the world. He saw Majorie in town. He told her to bring the pills. He took the entire bag.

Joel sprung up from the bed. Rebecca. She had seen him high. He never wanted her to see him like that. He had to explain things to her. She probably thought he slept with Majorie. He didn't want anyone else but Rebecca in his bed. She probably never wanted to see him again.

He tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge. He tried to turn the knob, but it felt stuck. He tried again with no luck.

He tried pushing his shoulder against it, but it still didn't move. He looked over at the windows, seeing them boarded shut. Someone barricaded him inside his room.

He went to retrieve his gun. He was about two seconds away from blowing the door wide open. His heart hammered in his chest when he didn't see his gun on the bedside table. His weapons weren't anywhere to be found.

His eyes darted around the room, trying to figure out what to do. Had the Fireflies infiltrated Jackson? Did Rebecca's former cult come and find them? He started to become agitated. Where were Ellie and Rebecca? Were they safe? Are Tommy and Maria alright?

Joel was furious as he began pounding on the door,'Let me the fuck out or I swear to God I'll break outta here and kill every last one of you!'

They were sitting in the living room when the heard his shouts.

Sharon smirked as she got up from the couch,'Oh great. My favorite grumpy patient is awake.'

They all walked upstairs and stood in the hallway in front of his bedroom door.

Tommy stepped forward and shoved Gus hands in his front pockets,' Joel, I'm sorry, but this is for the best. You…you're not well. You can't keep doing this to yourself anymore.'

Joel's eyes widened as he heard his voice on the other side of the door,'Where's Ellie and Becca?'

'Right here.' They both said simultaneously.

Rebecca cleared her throat and placed her hand on the door,'I know that you've been using for awhile, Joel. Me and Sharon are gonna help you get better, but yoh gotta want it for yourself. Do you want to get better?'

Joel laughed and banged his hands against the door, making her jump,'So you lock me in the fucking bedroom like an animal, Becca?'

She frowned as she wiped the tears from her eyes. Sharon told her he would do this. He would make her feel guilty for wanting to help him, but he would never get begged unless he wanted it for himself. She would have to use tough love.

'I'm sorry, Joel.' She looked over at Sharon, who nodded encouragingly. She would have to be strong for him,'I'm so sorry, but if…if you don't get clean I can't…be associated with you anymore. I can't be your friend or anything else.'

'Me neither.' Ellie was better at this than she was,'I'm not gonna live with some fucking drug addict. Get your shit together, man.'

Tommy nodded and sighed,'What she said. I'm not gonna let you around your nephew like this. You're gonna die alone. Is that what you want?'

Joel closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the door. He sighed deeply to himself. They were right. He needed to get his shit together or he would lose them forever.

'No.' He whispered admittedly,'It's not what I fucking want and you know it.'

Maybe he wanted to be alone before. He relished in living a life of solitude. No one could hurt him that way, but when he met Tess she made him realize he wanted more for himself. Even if it wasn't with her. When he came upon Ellie he was a lonely and broken man. He wasn't afraid of death. He welcomed it. Ellie made him see things differently. She gave him something to fight for. To live for. She gave him a purpose.

He was content with dying in Silver Lake. He made his peace with it. That was until Ellie brought Rebecca to him. She hooked him in right from the start. He told himself to leave it alone. She was an entanglement he didn't need in his life.

As time went on though, it became increasingly difficult to deny her. She slowly got under his skin. Bone deep. She coursed through his veins, making his blood run hot. He couldn't get her out of his head. He assumed it was lust in the beginning, but the more they got to know each other; he actually looked forward to spending time with her. She wasn't just Ellie's friend anymore. She had become his too.

When he saw her in the hospital after his heart attack, everything was solidified for him. She was more than just his friend. She was his everything. He didn't know how to rectify that in his mind, but he relinquished all control over his heart to her.

Rebecca and Ellie were the best parts about him. They were shining lights in such a dark and cruel world. He needed to get clean for them. He needed to be someone they were proud of.

'I'll do it.' He sighed shakily,'Cause I want it too. On one condition. I don't want Ellie here to see this.'

'Fuck you.' Ellie seethed,'I saw you in far worse condition. Stop treating me like a fucking kid. I'm staying.'

'NO! I fucking said No!' His shouts boomed and echoed throughout the quiet house,'You stay and I'm done.'

He was being selfish. He already knew that, but he knew withdrawing from drugs wasn't easy. He didn't want Ellie to see him like that.

Rebecca and Tommy shared a knowing look. Tommy placed his arm around Ellie's shoulders,'If this is what he wants than ed gotta give it to him.'

Ellie crossed her arms over her chest, chin up as she stared at him defiantly,'I'm not leaving. Joel always says that and ends up letting my stay anyway.' She shrugged,'Mine as well save him the trouble.'

Rebecca smiled softly as Tommy relented. She was proud of Ellie for sticking to her guns. She was strong willed. Hopefully that would carry into adulthood. She would be a force to be reckoned with.

Sharon took a few things out of her bag as Tommy started unlocking the door,'If I let Sharon and Rebecca in you promise you won't hurt them?'

'I would never hurt them. I would never hurt her. Don't you dare fucking say that again?'

Joel seemed almost angry at the idea he would hurt Rebecca. She had been offended too. She's seen Joel at his scariest and at his worst. He could've hurt her so many times, but he didn't. Even when he wasn't in his right frame of mind. He never once laid a hand on her.

Tommy unlocked the door and let the two women step inside. He brought Ellie downstairs. Even though she would stay, there were some things she shouldn't see. He didn't want Ellie to see him like this. She always held him up to impeccable high standards. She saw him as a strong man who never anything get the best of him. He always wanted her to see him in that light.

When Rebecca laid eyes on him, it took all the strength she had to keep her tears at bay.

Joel's eyes roved up and down the length of her. She was wearing a black spaghetti strap dress. It was low cut and he could see her cleavage. The dress went down to her knees, but the material looked so thin he could almost see the outline of her body.

He felt disgusted with himself. He could've had that dress on his bedroom floor. He could've roamed his hands underneath her dress and find her soaking wet for him like she was in the kitchen. He could've had all of her, but he might've fucked it up and lost one of the best things that ever happened to him.

Rebecca blinked away tears as she took a step closer to him. She held his face in her hands and lifted his head up to look at her,'This doesn't change anything, Joel.' He tried to jerk his face out of her grasp, but her hold on him was solid, physically and mentally,'I told you I was all in and I meant it. You're not doing this to us. Not anymore. I'm here because I want to be. There's nothing that you can say to change my mind. Nothing. We'll get through this. Just like we have with everything else. We've been through worse.'

He could've fought her on it. He could tell her to leave him alone and he never wanted to see her again, but she wouldn't give up on him so easily. He didn't deserve someone like her, but she saw something with him he didn't recognize himself.

He nodded as he placed his hands over hers that were resting on his face. He leaned down and rested his forehead against hers, whispering,'It ain't gonna be pretty, honey girl. I…I don't want to hurt you. I might say things or do things I don't mean.'

She nodded and smiled tearfully,'I'm aware. I trust you though. I know you won't hurt me.'

Sharon stood to the side, watching the tender exchange between the two. She witnessed Joel being caring and gentle with her. She didn't think a man like him was capable of it. Maybe she brought it out in him. She could feel the intense love between them. Even if they didn't realize it themselves quite yet. She couldn't wait until they realized it. They would be happy together. Just like she with her husband. The first time she ever met Rebecca, she had been taking care of him. He took care of her too. She knew without a doubt they would get through this.

'I'll make sure you don't.' Sharon narrowed her eyes,'I hate to break up this little love fest which I was right by the way.' They both stared at her exasperatingly,'I'm gonna make sure that your symptoms are taken care of. The rest is up to you.'

Joel nodded silently as he kept his eyes focused on Rebecca. He reluctantly let go of her so Sharon could examine him. She checked his vitals and gave him something to ease his nerves. It was something Rebecca had made in her garden. She was getting quite good at being an apothecary.

Sharon had to get back to the hospital, but promised to be back within a few hours. She trusted he was in good hands. They would make sure he was taken care of.

Rebecca brought a bucket and some blankets into his room, along with some wet towels. She knew he would be sick when he came down from the high and she wanted to be prepared for it. The worst was yet to come.

He was sitting up against the headboard when Rebecca walked back into the room. He looked over at her and walked over to his bed, sitting down on the edge of it. She felt him stirring behind her and braced herself for the onslaught of what was to come.

He placed his hands on her bare shoulders and rested his head against the back of her neck, whispering,'I didn't want ya to know. I thought I could get through it myself.'

She trembled as his hot breath seared the back of her neck. His southern drawl was even deeper. Even now she was still putty in his hands.

She closed her eyes and leaned back against him, whispering,'You don't have to get through this by yourself, Joel. You have people that are here to help you. Who want to help you in anyway they can.'

He ran his hands up and down her arms as he kissed the back of her neck,'I didn't touch Marjorie. Not again. You know I didn't even kiss her the time we…'

He didn't say the words. Even now he felt ashamed for what he's done. He couldn't take back his mistakes. All he could do was make sure they didn't happen again.

'It's okay.' She turned her head and pressed a kiss to his cheek,'I'm gonna make sure she never comes near you again.'

His chest swelled with pride at the ire in her tone. He felt proud someone was willing to fight for him. He thought Ellie had been a stroke of luck. Then again, he would've never met Rebecca if it weren't for Ellie. The girl changed his life in so many ways. He needed to get better for her too.

Rebecca was lying in bed next to his bedroom. She brought a bag from home. She thought it would beg her to stay here in case he needed someone. This was close to a rehab he was ever going to get.

It was the middle of the night when she heard him. It sounded like he was vomiting. She could hear cursing and things being shuffled around.

She immediately sprung up from bed in full nurse mode. She ran out of her room and went downstairs to grab some cool wet towels.

She walked upstairs, seeing Ellie standing in the doorway of her room. She had a concerned look on her face as she listened to him vomiting,'Is he gonna be okay?'

'Not yet.' She answered honestly,'But he will be. Go back to bed. I'll take care of hi .'

Ellie nodded silently and went back into her room. She knew Joel was in good hands. She just hoped Rebecca would be too. Sleep was the farthest thing from her mind as she listened to the struggles of the only father she's ever known.

She unlocked his door. She closed and locked it behind her, making sure no one could get in or out.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed. The bucket was at his feet. He was shirtless and wearing only a pair of boxers. His entire body was covered in a sheen of sweat. His hair was drenched and sticking to his forehead.

He was pulling on his hair as he dry heaved into the bucket. She walked over to him and placed the towel on his neck, gently pressing it against his fevered skin. He felt hot to the touch and was probably running a fever, which she was prepared for.

He stared up at her, his eyes brimming with unshed tears,'Make it stop.' He was pleading a tears fell down his face,'I'll do anything, baby. Please. Just give me something to make it stop.'

Her heart hurt for him as he rocked back and forth on the bed. She had worked at an inpatient rehab during her internship, but that's as far as it went. Sharon gave her instructions on what to do.

She took a syringe out of her bag and inserted it into the vial,'This will make you feel better.' Her words were soothing as she injected the medicine into the back of his neck. He was so far gone he wasn't even aware of what she was doing. He didn't even feel the pinprick.

She ran her hand through his hair as he clutched at his stomach. His body seemed tense, like everything hurt. The medicine would kick in soon and relax him.

She kneeled down in front of him, wiping the sweat off his face with a towel. He let her clean him, but his eyes were closed. He seemed ashamed she had to do this.

She looked over his face and sighed, whispering,'This is what people do for each other when the care, Joel.'

'You shouldn't have to do this.' He winced as the cramping in his stomach intensified,'I ruined our date.'

She frowned as she held his face in her hands,'You didn't ruin anything. Not a damn thing. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere.'

She wanted to tell him this is what we do when we love someone, but she knew he wasn't ready to hear that yet. She also wasn't ready for the rejection when he told her he didn't feel the same way. She wasn't naive or stupid. She knew he didn't love her. Attracted? Very much so, but his love extended to Ellie and dead women. Was there any room in his heart for her?

She set the bucket aside to clean in later. She managed to get him into bed and pulled the covers up over him as he shivered. She leaned down and kissed his forehead. It was best to give him some rest.

She was about to leave when he called her name. She turned around as he looked over at her with what could be discerned as need in his eyes,'Stay. Please stay.'

Her eyes widened in surprise. He sounded as if he were begging her. Joel Miller didn't beg for anyone. He wasn't in the right frame of mind, but a small part of her hope he meant it.

'Of course.' She smiled,'I would love to stay.'

She saw his entire body sag into the bed, as if the tension eased from his body at her words.

She walked over to his bedside and pulled up a chair. She sat next to his bed and took his hand in hers. She tangled their fingers together and brought his hand up to her mouth, kissing his knuckles.

He gently eased his hand out of her grasp and rolled onto his side with his back facing her. He broke down in sobs as the images of Sarah dying in his arms played over and over again.

'I do it so I can sleep.' His voice cracked with emotion,'Everytime I close my eyes I fail her over and over again. She died because I wasn't strong enough. She died in my arms because I couldn't save her.'

Rebecca was silently sobbing as she listened to him. She knew he felt guilt over Sarah's death. He almost killed himself because of the guilt. He needed to see he didn't need to carry around that guilt anymore. He didn't need to overprotect Ellie. He needed to move on from his past mistakes. No one could do that but him.

He was shivering violently as he sobbed, whispering,'I couldn't save her. I couldn't. I fail her over and over again.'

Without giving it a second though, she crawled into bed beside him. She laid on her side and tightly wrapped her arms around him from behind. She tightly held onto him, using her body heat to keep him warm.

He pressed back against her, sighing shakily as she kissed the back of his neck over and over again. She wanted to show him she wouldn't give up on him.

She wasn't lying when she said she loved him. She felt something for him when he first pulled her out of the burning building. The feeling had been instantaneous. She couldn't put a name on his back then, but slowly she started to see the real man he hid away from the rest of the world. He was funny and sweet. He was intelligent, which is something a lot of people never gave him credit for.

She fell in love with the man he always had been, but never let himself become. She didn't feel like this with Ben or any other man who came before him. It wasn't intense. It was a mature love.

For the last year and a half they built the foundation of their future. They slowly gained each others trust. Her mama used to say that love doesn't always come banging on your door. Sometimes love can be quiet. It can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

Joel closed his eyes as he felt the sedative begin to take effect. He felt her warm body pressed against his and reveled in the feeling of her presence, letting her soothe and calm his soul.

'Sleep.' She whispered soothingly as she pulled the covers up over them, never letting go of him,'I'll be here when you wake up. I promise. You're safe, Joel.'

For the first time in awhile, he felt safe. This slip of a woman managed to calm him down in ways no one else ever could.

He sighed softly as he let himself succumb to sleep.