Chapter 18: It takes a village.

'Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel.'

-Tiny Buddha

Hour 10

Rebecca didn't know how long she held him. It couldn't been seconds, minutes, hours. Eternity. He had a rough night. He spiked a high fever. He was shivering violently throughout the night. She could hear his teeth chattering. His clothes were soaked through with sweat. His body was clammy and cold to the touch.

The man survived a heart attack. He started taking care of himself. He was eating well and living well. His stress level was low, but not a zero. He would never be fully settled, but he managed to maintain a peaceful life.

At least she thought he had. She wondered if he ever stopped using at all. She knew he was unsettled at night. She could hear him pacing back and forth in his room sometimes. She would sometimes see him sitting on the porch into the wee hours of the night. Restless herself.

She never dared disturbed him. He was a prideful man. He didn't want her to see his tears. He suffered from panic attacks. Even an untrained eye could see that. She understood what it meant to feel the walls closing up around you. The darkness chases you and you feel like you're pummeling into your death.

Did he feel like he was having another heart attack?

The moon peered through the curtains, making them both wince at the intrusion. She looked up at him as she a cold blank stare. His face was ashen. She needed to bring his fever down.

She slowly untangled herself from him and got up from the bed. She ran outside barefoot. It was the middle of the night, but she used a flashlight to guide her. She didn't bring a weapon. She didn't know if that was stupid or comforting.

She went to her garden, clipping off some Black Basil. Some people didn't understand what she was doing. There needed to be chemicals to form a compound. Simple Science. Sharon was a doctor and logical thinker. She was appreciative of Rebecca's cough syrups and sedatives.

Rebecca was learning all she could from the other doctors. She always dreamed of being a doctor one day. She even started looking at some graduate schools. Those hopes were dashed after the outbreak.

Survival had been her greatest lesson. Maybe her purpose was to be here. With him. She knew she couldn't heal him. She wasn't even trying to save him. He needed to do that all on his own. She wouldn't carry his burdens, but she could support him through it. She would not abandon him.

She knew he would do the same for her. He's proven that. He may not want her after this, but that was fine. She's learned not to put any stake into forever.

Rebecca went back into the house and crept up the stairs, not wanting to wake Ellie up. She unlocked the bedroom door, seeing Joel laying on the bed. She turned on the light, making him groan. She ignored it. At least he was still alive. He would get through this.

She mixed up the ginger, honey and the juice of the black basil. She typically used this on the young patients who were delicate to stronger medications. Joel was far from young. She would have to make it stronger. She put a dash of morphine into the syringe for good measure. She wanted him sedated.

She placed the syringe into his lips, gently inserting it. She slowly pushed the liquid into his mouth. She shook her head, whispering,'Don't think this excuses you out of our date.' She frowned,'You still owe me a date, asshole.'

He closed his eyes and she sighed, rolling her eyes. He wasn't going to die. He was just going to have a really fucking rough week.

Hour 11

She sat in a chair beside his her and waited. She watched him toss and turn, body convulsing as he mumbled incoherently. She patted his forehead with a towel as his body broke through the fever.

She gave him another round of medicine and left his room for some time to convene with Tommy and Ellie. Sharon would be back in the morning. A trauma patient who was only eight years old. The little boy deserved a chance. She knew Joel would agree too.

Tommy was worried. Joel always did call him a worry wart. Ellie had been curious to see if Joel was okay. Rebecca relented and let her take a look at Joel. She seemed unfazed, but thankful he was still alive.

Rebecca cleaned up and changed into her pajamas. Sharon gave her orders to be her nurse. Joel had a history of heart and panic attacks. She would be here regardless.

She walked into his room and locked the door behind her. She slid the key down into her bra. She knew he wouldn't dare touch her there. Not without her her permission. At least she hoped so anyway.

Her eyes widened when she saw him leaning back against the headboard . His eyes seemed clearer. He appeared more lucid. He had an unreadable expression on his face, but his eyes were impenetrable onto hers. His arms were crossed over his chest.

The morphine must've staved off the edge of the withdrawals. She saw that gaze before. The hospital. Devoid of all emotion.

She cautiously walked over to the edge of his bed, clinical and detached,'How are you feeling?'

'Fuck you for asking me that.' He seethed, his eyes roaming around the room,'You're keeping me prisoner in here.' His eyes cut into her,'You of all people should know what it fucking feels like to be held prisoner.'

Her eyes widened and for a split second she thought about hitting him. He could break her in two without breaking a sweat. She knew what he did to David's followers back in Silver Lake. Joel had been the Devil incarnate to David's flock.

Joel was nothing more than a man to her. A simple scared man afraid to be happy. He always thinks it's good to be true, like the rug is going to be pulled up from beneath him. He was afraid to cherish something only to lose it.

Rebecca understood his pain, but he made her angry too. His ire towards her cut deep. This wasn't a nurse's reaction, but that of a concerned friend.

'I could kill ya with my bare hands, ya know?' He didn't blink an eye as he stared deep into her.

She nodded and sighed,'You could, but you won't.'

He sighed as he looked around the room, whispering admittedly,'No, I really fucking won't.' He ran a hand through his hair and sighed,'I wanna get rid of it.'

'Get rid of what?' She frowned,'The addiction.'

'Everything.' He whispered admittedly,'My panic attacks make me feel like I wanna die. The…pills calm that.'

She nodded and crossed her arms over her chest,'Anything else other than pills that calm you?' She shrugged,'Ellie, the ranch or building things.'

He thought about all those things in that moment. He shook his head and swallowed harshly,'You.'

Her eyes widened as she looked over his face,'I calm you?'

'Yes.' It was a simple and plain answer, but it meant everything to her.

She knew he didn't love her. She didn't know if he ever could love another woman like that. Tess was someone Ellie admired and Joel loved deeply. Even though he would deny it to his grave.

He sighed and reached out his hand to her,'Come here, darlin.'

That deep southern drawl was back again. She was the only one who heard that lazy drawl in her ear.

She hesitantly walked over to him and put her hand in his. He tangled their fingers together and pressed their hands against his mouth, kissing her knuckles,'I don't wanna die, Becca.'

'I know.' She whispered determinedly,'I meant what I said. You owe me a good and proper date. No hiccups. Flowers, dinner and maybe some kissing.' She flickered her eyes over his,'Maybe.'

He was silent for a moment as he stared off into the distance. He had a weary look in his eyes. He slowly swung his legs off the bed and stared up at her helplessly,'I'm so tired, Becca.' His face scrunched up as if in pain.'

He buried his face in his hands as he bursts into sobs. He didn't know what he was crying for. Sarah, Tess, his ex wife. All of the above. Self loathing has become his forte.

She sighed shakily as she walked closer to him. She placed her hands in his hair and she gasped when he wrapped his arms tightly around her abdomen. He embraced her just as he did on the porch. It was intimate, but not sexual. It was comforting. He said she calmed him.

Maybe this something she could do for him. She wouldn't give him words of condolences or try to compare their griefs. Her burdens were her own.

He sobbed into her stomach as she gently ran her hands through his hair. This is what we do when we love someone. He was going back and forth with her.

He stared up at her as he looked over her face. Flawless and perfect against his bartered and weathered body. He didn't love her. He didn't allow himself to feel that yet, but he took solace in her embrace. In this darkened room he could find peace with a woman and caring woman.

People would say he's taking advantage of her. He understood, but she was closer to forty than thirty. She was a grown woman who made it clear what she wanted.

Joel felt his body reacting to her and eased himself back from him. His hands were shaking and he felt nauseous. The itch came back again. He wanted to throw up and used the bathroom.

He wiped the tears off his face as he clutched at his stomach,'Can't I jabs anything for this? I want it to stop.'

'I can't give you anything until Sharon checks you out.' She spoke calmly, but firmly,'I did what I could.'

His eyes clenched shut and his gritted his teeth, whispering,'Make the pain stop, Becca.' He shook his head as his eyes popped open as he stared up at her,'I don't wanna see her. I don't wanna.'

Rebecca frowned as she searched his face,'Who, Joel? Who do to see? Tess?'

'No.' He shook his head,'Sarah…I see her get shot. Her staring up at me as the life left her body. I carried her dead body in my arms.' He closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks 'I should've tried to kill myself again and made damned sure the job was done right.'

'You didn't.' She nodded determinedly,'You didn't attempt it after that.'

He stared down into his lap, his hands shaking underneath the blanket.'Tommy.'

Rebecca nodded and smiled tearfully. He had a reason to live. To find his brother again. He succeeded. He could have the life he wanted. He just needed to get through this.

She didn't attempt to touch him anymore. She kept her distance from him. She knew he needed some space to figure out what was going through his mind.

Now that he wasn't on the drugs he actually had to reconcile what happen to Sarah in his mind. The cycles of grief.

'I'll give you some time alone.'

Joel looked up at her and nodded,'Thank you.'

Rebecca shook her head, biting back tears,'It's alright.'

She unlocked his door and locked it behind her. She leaned back against the door and closed her eyes. She wouldn't shed the tears in hes eyes. Not anymore. Her mama always said to save the tears for her pillow.

She didn't know the object of her grief was standing on the other side of the door. His head was resting against the door. He swore he could almost feel the heat of her even through the barricaded door.

He placed his palm against the door and closed his eyes. He wanted to tell her to stay, but he couldn't speak the words.

He gritted his teeth and pulled himself away from the door. He needed a fix. He needed her. He was too much of a coward to admit if.