Chapter 19: Old habits run deep.
'You told me you loved me, that I'd never die alone. Hand over your heart, let's go home.Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs. I've always been known to cross lines.'
-Kings of Leon, Cold Desert
Hour Twenty
Ellie walked into his room to hand him his breakfast. The adults were hesitant to let her near him, but she's seen far worse shit. Beside, Becca needed a nap and a…bath.
She wasn't afraid of Joel. He killed a hospital full of Fireflies to save her life. Becca recanted the ordeal to her. She described the way Joel became almost mechanical and methodical. He obliterated them all. Doctors too.
He killed fucking Marlene for her. She was pretty sure Joel had a history with her. Yet, he still blew her brains out without batting an eye.
Yeah, Joel kinda lied about the hospital, but he redeemed himself. Everyone deserves a second chance. He brought her with him though. She was happy here with Joel.
He would probably be happy too if he admitted he needed a certain someone. She may be young, but she's loved and lost.
Grief should not be measured with age. Emotions are timeless and without prejudice. We feel them every second of everyday.
She understood Joel's fear of losing Becca, but she was happy, secure and thriving here. Becca was healthy and vivacious.
She made Joel smile, which is hard even for her to do. What's important is that Becca isn't perfect either. She's done some terrible things to survive. Things even she won't talk about to this day.
She overheard Sharon asking her about the nightmares and panic attacks. She said they started to become infrequent. Sharon seemed pleased and asked if it was because of a certain ex patient of theirs.
Becca didn't answer and remained coy. Ellie wasn't blind. She could see the attraction between the two. She saw it developing back in Silver Lake.
Something seemed to shift in their relationship after the hospital. Neither discussed what transpired between them, but it seemed Joel kept Becca's secrets to the grave.
If that kind of level of trust isn't love than she doesn't know what is.
So…no. Ellie wasn't afraid of Joel. He was closest thing she had to a father figure. She could've saved the fucking world, but he chose her. She loved him for that. She trusted him for that. He would never hurt her. He was a good man just trying to survive.
He was sitting up in bed, holding his head in his hands. There was a bucket sitting between his feet. He looked like a mess. He didn't even look like this in Silver Lake. He looked scared.
She cautiously slid the bucket of vomit away from him. She placed the plate of food on his nightstand.
She looked up at him and scrunched her nose in disgust,'Dude, you need a fucking shower. You smell like shit. You look like shit too.'
'Fuck you.' He mumbled,'I ain't hungry.'
Ellie smirked and nodded. He always said that, but ending up eating eventually.
She threw him a book. Becca told her he would probably like to keep his mind occupied. She scanned the cover.
1984
She shook her head. They were two fucking nerds,'Becca said she told you about it and asked me to give it to you.'
Joel looked down at the book in his lap and swallowed harshly,'Does…she hate me? Cause I fucked it up.'
Ellie narrowed her eyes. She wondered why Joel fucking Miller was asking her dating advice? She just recently discovered she dug chicks.
'I don't think that.' She shrugged,'She's still here. She's in her room…the guest room sleeping.'
She didn't dare tell him about Becca professing her love for him. That was something he deserved to hear from her. That's if Joel let her.
He ran his hands through his messy hair and sighed shakily,'She already didn't trust me…after what I did at Mar-' he stopped himself before continuing. He didn't want to reveal too much that night.
Ellie wasn't naive. She witnessed Joel leaving Maria's birthday party with Majorie. He saw Becca start dancing with some douche. He got pissy and started drinking. Becca left shortly after.
Something once again shifted in their relationship. Joel seemed determined to make it up to her. He became easier with her. He playfully teased her. He started to try more. He practically courted her.
Ellie broke his balls about it. Was he like this before the outbreak? He was a gentleman towards her.
Joel shook his head and laughed,'You shouldn't be here.'
She crossed her arms over her chest and raised her chin up defiantly,'You shouldn't be either.'
His eyes widened up at her. He couldn't argue with her there,'She shouldn't be here either.'
Ellie rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh,'You and I both know she won't leave. She seems to like you for some reason and I don't know why. You're an asshole.'
He rolled his eyes exasperatingly and shook his head,'I'm speaking from the heart here a minute, baby girl.'
Her eyes widened as she stood at full attention. His words meant business, but in a gentle and cry for help sort of way. It was obvious he didn't know what he felt for Becca, but it was more than friendly. They couldn't keep their eyes off each other sometimes.
Elise sat back down on the chair, leaning close to him,'Do you want to really stop doing drugs?'
He pondered the question for a moment. He truly didn't know what he wanted. He was lying. What he wanted was the woman sleeping soundly in the bedroom next to him. He couldn't remember the last time he wanted anything this much.
She needed to know how he felt about her. She deserved to know. He couldn't say these things to her now. Not while he was like this. He needed be stronger, mentally and physically. He was a broken shell of a man. He needed to bring the pieces back together so he could be good for her.
'Yeah.' He nodded and sighed,'I do wanna stop. I don't wanna keep fucking living like this anymore. I gotta do better for you and Bec-'
He stopped himself again. He didn't want to give too much away. Even though the knowing smirk on Ellie's face told him she already caught on.
He closed his eyes and shook his head,'Don't look at me like that.'
'Look at you like what?' She shrugged,'I don't know what you're talking about.'
'Sure.' He snorted and nodded,'Nothing gets by you, kid.'
'It sure doesn't.' She smirked as she looked over his face,'Why don't you just tell her how you feel?'
'I can't do that yet.' He raised his eyes downward to stare disgustingly at the bucket filled with bile,'I can't do that to her. She's already dealt with enough of my shit. I…need to get my shit together first. I need be solid. She deserves that.'
Ellie's eyes widened. She was shocked at his admission. Maybe he was getting soft in his old age, but he's never been this honest with her before. He seemed vulnerable. Something seemed to break within him, like he finally relented and admitted defeat.
She knew Joel loved Rebecca. He was in love with her and didn't even realize it. He was denying it left and right, but she knew when someone was in love. She looked in the mirror every day.
'Don't you think she deserves to know how you feel?' She frowned,'I don't think she knows.'
Joel wondered what she meant by that. His heart sank in his stomach. How could Becca not know how he felt? He thought he made his intentions plain and clear. Then again, every time they get closer to each other, he always seems to fuck it up. He could understand why she got confused.
Rebecca was heading to Joel's room to check up on him. She heard him and Ellie talking. She leaned back against the wall, giving them some privacy to talk. She felt bad about eavesdropping on them, but she wanted to make sure he was okay.
He bowed his head solemnly, feeling his eyes burn with unshed tears. He closed his eyes, whispering,'All I can give her is friendship right now, Ellie. It's all I'm willing to give.'
Tears filled her eyes. She felt sick to her stomach. Her heart pounded hard in her chest. She should've known this was too good to be true. He saw her as a friend nothing more. He probably saw them as friends with benefits.
How ironic that dating is just as shitty and confusing in an apocalyptic world as it was in the outbreak.
Joel sent her so many mixed signals. She didn't want to play games anymore. They were too old for this shit. She wouldn't let it bring her down. She wouldn't let him see how painful this was for her.
She thought she gave up those silly idyllic notions after the outbreak, but when she met Joel she thought things were different. She finally found a real man that knew what he wanted. He was just as immature as the rest of them.
Rebecca loved him though. She wasn't lying when she said she was in love with him. She felt it deep down into her bones. She's never felt this strongly for another human being before.
The fluttering in her stomach when he looked at her. Whenever he smiled at her she felt like she could take over the world and do anything. Be somebody.
She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes quickly before facing them. She would get through this with dignity. Ellie and Joel were true and dear friends. She wouldn't lose them because of this.
She walked into his room with a bright smile on her face,'Good morning.' She gave Ellie a hug and inwardly gathered her courage to look at him,'You're looking better. Did the fever break?'
'Yeah.' He met Ellie's gaze and silently nodded his head. It was as if they were having a conversation without saying a word.
Joel didn't feel comfortable talking about Becca with Ellie. The friendship thing he said had been bullshit. Even Ellie could see right through the thinly veiled lie.
'I gotta go.' Ellie sighed as she bent down and kissed Joel on top of his head,'You're in good hands.'
She left the room as if in a hurry. Joel glared at she ran out of the room. He knew what she was doing. Little shit.
Joel stared up at Becca as she checked his vitals. She was wearing scrubs and her long hair was pulled back into a bed. She wasn't wearing makeup. She never really did unless there was a reason for it. She wondered if David conditioned her to do that. It's the only good thing he's ever done. She didn't need it. She was so pretty. He was lucky to have someone like her wanting him. He was lucky to have any one at all.
Ellie was right. He needed to tell her that more often or he was going to lose her. He's gotten accustomed to having her in his life. He didn't want to lose that. Lose her.
She was leaning over him to check his heart with her stethoscope. He gently cradled her jaw in his large hand. She trembled as his calloused thumb stroked her jawline. She sighed softly. If he just wanted a friendship than he shouldn't touch her like this. He was making her hope and want for the things he didn't.
She was through with men manipulating her.
His heart was beating hard and fast as she listened to it through her stethoscope. His eyes were looking over her face as if he were memorizing it. She tried to remain neutral and clinical, like a nurse. He was looking at her that way again.
He licked his lips as his thumb caressed her bottom lip,'I wanna kiss ya but I smell.'
She smiled sadly and shook her head, whispering,'I don't want it if it doesn't mean anything, Joel.'
His eyes widened as he leaned back. He had a conflicted look on his face. He narrowed his eyes and shook his head in disbelief, as if he were offended by her words. He aggravated the hell out of her sometimes.
He placed his other hand on her jaw and cracked her face in his hands. He leaned in close to her, not even caring how he smelled. He needed to let her know. Even if he couldn't say the words he felt deep down inside but wasn't ready to admit yet. She deserved to know she wasn't alone in this.
'You think this doesn't mean anything to me, Becca?' He gritted his teeth and seethed. He was angry at what she was implicating,'You think YOU don't mean anything to me?'
He shook his head and let out a dry laugh. He was about to say something when Tommy walked through the door. They quickly pulled apart, but they were too late. Tommy had seen everything.
He smirked to himself as he walked over to Joel's bedside,'Ellie made me come up here and corral you into the shower.'
He glared up at him and shook his head,'I can shower on my own.'
'Yeah.' Tommy nodded and crossed his arms over his chest,'You could, but we don't trust you not to bolt.'
Rebecca smiled up at Tommy gratefully, but she was annoyed with him. He barged in at the wrong time. He was so close. She wasn't lucky enough for that to happen again.
Hour 22
Tommy helped Joel into the shower. He even sat on the toilet to make sure he didn't go anywhere. Tommy seemed to be enjoying himself. Finally he could break his older brother's balls like he's been doing his entire life.
Before the outbreak, he had been the fuck up. He had a temper and it got him into trouble. On the night of the outbreak Joel was bailing him out of jail. The tables turned. Now Joel was the one who gave Tommy nightmares.
Tommy brought him back to his room. Joel didn't trust himself yet. The urges were still there. He needed another day in his room before he ventured back out into the world. Majorie would be lurking. It wouldn't be difficult to tempt a starving man. In every sense of the word.
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It was after midnight when Rebecca had the chance to check up on him. She was needed at the hospital. A woman was delivering a baby that was breached. She was needed to tend to other patients while Sharon and the rest of the crew focused on the woman.
The infant ending up dying, but the mother survived. She was heartbroken. Her shrilling and gut wrenching sobs echoed throughout the otherwise quiet hospital. It had been a difficult day.
Rebecca didn't know the pain of losing a child. She probably never would have children of her own. She resigned herself to that fact a long time ago.
Before the outbreak, she and Ben talked about having a couple kids. They were even planning on buying a house with enough room for kids. She didn't have dreams like that anymore. She was happy she never had kids. She wouldn't know what she would've done if she had to make that choice.
She couldn't begin to imagine what it felt like for Joel to lose a child. It's why she was gentle with him. She refuse to walk on eggshells with him though. He was a man grown.
She walked into his room, surprised when she saw him sitting up in bed. His back was resting against the headboard. He was wearing a black shirt and his hair was brushed back. He trimmed his mustache and beard.
She made sure Ellie gave him his sedative and anti nausea medication to help with the withdrawals. It hasn't been a full day yet. He had a long road ahead of him, but he was strong willed. She knew he would get through this. He had Ellie to live for. He would never abandon her.
She saw him reading the book she had given him and a warmth spread throughout her. She told herself to stop. He just wanted her as a friend, but the ache was still there. It probably always would be.
As if sensing her presence, he looked up and saw her standing in the doorway. A warm smile formed on his face. His eyes softened as he stared at her. She wondered if he was high.
Did Majorie happen to sneak him in some thing?
He placed his open book down on the nightstand,'You're a sight for sore eyes, darlin.'
The deep and gruff southern drawl did her in. It always did. She was a sucker for cowboys. Ben and Davis weren't cowboys. They hid behind their religion and so called 'morals.' Joel was a man of honesty and strength. He was loyal to his own.
He was also one hell of a shot.
Joel was making an effort. When Rebecca left for the hospital he took some time to think. He thought about what Ellie said in the morning. He needed to show her. She didn't think he wanted her, didn't think he cared. If he didn't tell her he was going to lose her. He would be damned if he let her walk out that door. He didn't like the thought of never seeing her again.
It would absolutely wreck him.
She cautiously walked over to his bedside, but kept her arms to her sides. She was anxious as she rode on Sadie to his house. She could barely eat all day. Her energy was drained. Heartache can either make you sick or determined. She was a little bit of both.
He frowned as he looked up at her. Her head was held high, bud she wasn't looking at him. She hugged herself as she wondered if she were here as his nurse or a close friend.
Joel sighed and shook his head,'I've had enough of this shit, Becca.'
She was at full attention now. She blinked her eyes confusingly and shook her head,'Enough of what?'
He waved his hands in between them,'This. We can't keep doing this back and forth shit. I'm tired. I'm guessing you're tired too.'
Her shoulders sagged in relief and she nodded,'I am tired. I don't want to keep doing this either.' She took a deep breath,'I know you just want to be friends. I respect that. I still want you in my life regardless.'
'Friends?' He squinted his eyes and started laughing. He was honest to God laughing as if she said the funniest thing in the world,'I had my hand down your pants just a few days ago.' He licked his lips quickly, his eyes never wavering from hers,'I know what your mouth tastes like, honey girl. Ya think I do that with all my fuckin friends? I never kissed that girl cause it didn't mean anything.' He sighed and shook his head,'This…'
He stopped talking for a moment and took her hand. He gently tugged her onto his lap. She plopped down as her legs were draped over his. She thought about turning around, but it would be too intimate.
He smelled fresh and clean from his shower earlier. Tommy told her he had a freak out earlier begging for drugs, but he managed to calm him down. She was too afraid to ask how he did that.
Joel cupped the back of her head and brought his forehead down to rest against hers, whispering,'I don't do this with friends. I don't wanna fucking do this with anyone else. This is everything to me. More than a man like myself should ask for.'
She couldn't help the tears that fell from hes eyes at his declaration. It's all she wanted to hear from him. That she wasn't alone in this.
She gripped his wrist as she pressed her forehead against his,'You've always given me a choice. No man before you has ever given me one. Ben…he wasn't the best husband before the outbreak. He cheated on me a lot and…there were times he would beat on me. I hated him but couldn't leave because I didn't have money. We were living in my parents house barely making ends meet. We tried to save up money for a house, but he always ended up getting fired from his jobs. After everything happened I thought this is our chance to start over. To make things right. He was still the same man. He cheated and beat on me. I…think I loved him because I didn't know anything else.'
He brushed his nose against hers, breathing her in deeply,'And what do you know now?'
'That I deserve this. I deserve you.' She blinked the tears away from her eyes as she leaned in closer to him,'You deserve this too. We deserve to be happy after everything we've been through.'
'Damn fucking right.' He stared at her mouth, feeling a craving for a different kind of drug. He could get through the withdrawals if he had this with her.
She had faith in him. No one else ever did. After everything he's done to her she still didn't look at him like he was a piece of shit. She treated him like he was worth something.
She surprised him by turning around to face him. She held the back of his neck and arched her eyebrow questioningly, silently waiting for him to decide. She had a small smirk on her face, like she already knew the answer.
Fucking God, she was a pretty little thing. The kind of woman you get down on your knees for. She made you believe in God as his mama like to say. Before the outbreak, he would've married this one. He would've already started to save up for a ring. He was a silly young fool back then. He was a hardened and realistic man now. He just wanted to get through the day.
He would worship her though.
He placed his hand on her lower back and gently brought her close against his chest. They both sighed at the contact. His other hand slowly trailed up her neck to cradle her jaw in her hands.
His thumb rubbed over her bottom lip. She boldly flicked her tongue out. She quickly swirled her tongue over the pad of his thumb. His eyes widened slightly, his pupils blown black as he searched her face. He let out a tiny hiss.
Fuck. He knew she was going to be the best he's ever had. She was so warm, caring, gentle and intimate. She wasn't rough with him like other women. They looked at him and wanted hurried and rough. They never thought a man like him would wane gentle too.
When she placed her hands on him he felt revered. He didn't know he was touch deprived until he met her. Sarah saw the hood in him too. She always wanted him to find a good woman.
Becca would make her proud. Sarah would've liked her. He was sure of it.
He pressed open mouthed kisses along her forehead, down to her cheeks, alternating between each one and then down to her chin. Her skin was so soft against his lips. Not like his rough and weathered skin.
It's why he was hesitant to take her to bed. He didn't know if he could keep up anymore. He didn't know if his stamina could stand up to par. He also didn't have the same body he did twenty years ago either. Even the strongest can be insecure sometimes.
He cocked his head down to the side. The look he gave her made her entire body feel like jello. Her blood ran hot in her veins. Temptation was a sin, but nothing between them feel wrong. It felt pure and organic. Straight from the Earth as nature intended it to be. Maybe they were always meant for this. She believe in fate or chance, but she believed in him.
'I don't think we're ready to fuck.' His blunt words unfazed her. He licked his lips, whispering,'I ain't taking advantage.'
She rolled her eyes and laughed,'Oh, I know. I wouldn't let you do that.'
He smirked and nodded, knowing she wouldn't. He traced circles on her lower back over her shirt, relishing in the heat of her body.
He leaned in closer to her, his mouth hovering over hers. She gently pulled his head down to hers, making the decision for him. She slid her tongue into his mouth and he groaned her name brokenly.
Something snapped behind his eyes. A tether was broken inside of him. He took her hand off his back and held her face in his hands. He immediately kissed her back, deepening the kiss.
She moaned into his mouth as her tongue tangled with this. She felt his kiss right down to her toes. It felt as if molten lava was coursing through her veins. She was already wet. She was aroused as soon as he pulled her onto his lap.
She tangled her hands in his thick hair. Their tongues slowly slid together. It wasn't frantic or desperate like their kisses in the past. They took their time to taste each other. To revel in the rare moments they got to be alone together like this.
She helped him focus on something other than the cravings. To allow himself to appreciate something good for him. He could have a warm beautiful woman in his bed or someone like Majorie for the rest of his life.
He gasped as Becca's crotch brushed up against his. He gently pulled his away from here. He bit on his bottom lip and quickly placed his hands on her hips to stop her movements. She made him crazy sometimes.
He was beginning to think she was doing it on purpose. He liked this teasing and flirting side of her too. She was sexy. He wondered how long it's been since she was allowed to be like this.
Playful rather than obedient.
She did it again and his eyes snapped up to hers. She had a smirk on her face. Her blues twinkling with mischief. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Joel nodded as he slowly pushed her forward, bringing her closer to him once more. He positioned her to sit directly onto his crotch. He was only wear a pair of boxers. The material was thin. He didn't expect her tonight. He never expected her at all.
Her eyes widened and she gasped when she felt his erection. She felt the entire length of him through her scrubs. He was a decent length, but thick. Her pussy started throbbing with how he would fit inside her. He was much bigger than what she was used to. They would cross that bridge when they came to it.
It wouldn't be tonight, but they could have this together. They were two consenting adults who wanted each other. They deserved this release and rare moments of happiness.
Joel didn't dare move his hips. He desperately wanted to move her on his lap, but it had to be her choice. He watched and waited with bated breath.
She chewed on her bottom lip and slowly ground herself down onto his erection. His eyes rolled back into his head and his hands flexed against her hips. He could feel the heat of her even through her scrubs. He looked down and saw she wet spot on the crotch of her scrubs. It could've been either one of them.
He slowly rose his hips up, sliding the length of his crotch up and down her front. She bit her lip to stifle her moan, not wanting to wake Ellie up. She grinded down onto his crotch, holding onto his shoulders for balance.
The kiss he gave her was downright filthy, all tongue and teeth. She cradled the back of his neck as their kissed became sloppy as they moved together. Dry humping like two virginal teenagers, but fuck if this didn't feel right. It felt good to finally release some tension. This was so long in the making.
She was grinding her clit against the tip of him. She could feel every bit of him. She wondered if he could feel hot wet she was for him.
She whimpered into his mouth and clenched her eyes shut. She was so close,'Fuck.' She mumbled into his mouth, her tongue flicking against his,'I'm gonna come.'
His kiss was almost brutal, his facial hair irritating her skin, but she didn't care if it burned. She felt as if she were already burning from the inside out. She didn't know how long she's wanted this. She can't remember a time when she didn't. This felt natural. They fit together so well. His hard against her soft. They were in sync. They could do this.
She kissed him hard as she came. He was moving her hips against his erection, grinding up into her as he rose his hips up from the bed. His cock was throbbing and leaking with precum. He had been hard since she walked into the room.
Her eyes were clenched shut as tears of pleasure ran down her face. Her thighs burned and her entire body was fleshed out in goosebumps. She was trembling. She came so hard she saw stars. She's never experienced a euphoria like this before. Her mama always said to find someone who makes you see stars. She thought a lot was a myth before him.
'So fuckin beautiful.'
His words shocked her as he mumbled them against her mouth. His eyelids fluttered as his hips started jerking. He was close. He tore his mouth from hers and buried his face in her throat. He moaned raggedly against her skin as she ran her hands through his hair. His hands gripped her hips gently but firmly. Always gentle.
He rose his hips up over and over, grinding himself down onto he crotch. She closed her eyes and sighed. He was already the best lover she's ever had. He made sure she came before he did. He wasn't selfish.
His movements stopped as he let out a strangled moan, muffled by the skin of her throat. She trembled as she felt him press wet open mouthed kisses on her skin. His tongue flicking out to taste her skin.
Joel's hips jerked as his cum spurted out of him and into his boxers. His eyelids fluttered as his entire body trembled. His head felt dizzy and lightheaded. All of the tension was eased out of his body. He came so hard he almost passed out. Not even his own hand made him come like that.'
He slumped back against the headboard, the energy completely drained from him. He brought her down to rest against his chest. He closed his eyes a moment. He felt a little out of breath.
He didn't expect this when she walked into the room tonight. He didn't expect anything really. He thought she would come to say goodnight and that would be it.
When he saw the uncertain look on her face he knew he couldn't keep doing this to them anymore. He didn't want to die alone. He wanted happiness for whatever one he had left on this Earth. He wanted more of this bliss with her. For how many more nights that time allowed him.
He leaned down and kissed her slowly. He pulled back and looked over her face concernedly when he saw the tears in her eyes. Did he fuck up again?
'Are you okay?' He frowned,'Was I…too much?'
She smiled tearfully and shook her head,'Sweet Joel. No.' She rested her chin on his chest as he stroked her hair,'I was an active participant.' Her eyes flickered up to his, smiling wickedly,'We should probably do…that with less clothes some time.'
His eyes widened and he laughed,'You mean I'll finally get to see your tits?'
Her cheeks reddened and he loved that he was still able to do that. Make her blush. She still didn't lose that innocent part of her. She didn't lose her goodness in this cruel cruel world.
They both needed to clean up, but neither wanted to get up. They were drained, bur Becca was the one to move first. She knew he wouldn't be comfortable with her staying. He said he got bad nightmares and panic attacks in the nighttime. The withdrawing only made it worse. He didn't want to hurt her.
He kissed her before she went to her room though. They didn't elaborate on their relationship. They let it play out. Only time would tell if things were meant to be.
(Coming up, Joel gets his shit together. Majorie is confronted. Becca gets arrested? misunderstandings occur. Becca and Joel get closer )
Thanks to everyone following this story!