Chapter 22: Forgiveness takes time.
'Forgive yourself for what you think you've think you've think you done and not done. At every moment, you had your reasons for all your actions and decisions. You've always done the best that you could do. Forgive yourself.'
-Doreen Virtue
It's been a full week since she's seen him. She didn't go up to the house. He didn't come into town. If he did then he made himself scarce. She thought about asking Tommy if he was alright, but she didn't want to pry. Joel made it clear how he felt or didn't feel about her for that matter. She wouldn't force the issue.
You can't make someone love you. They either do or they don't. She couldn't force him to love her. She's learned no one can force Joel Miller to do anything.
Whenever Ellie would come over, she would slyly tell her how Joel was doing. She told her about how he's been attending every single one of his meetings. He hasn't touched alcohol or pills. He finally got the sheep settled in and even brought some cattle to the ranch.
Ellie prattled on excitedly about the chickens Joel had given her. She was happy to see he was making strides in his recovery. The feeling was bittersweet though. She should be sharing it with him. It was selfish of her, but she wanted to be a part of it.
Everyone thought she was doing alright. Maria and Tommy would look at her with pity. There wasn't a doubt in her mind they knew what happened.
She managed to keep her throat covered up, but they knew. Maria kept staring at her throat and Sharon would stare at her when she thought she wasn't looking.
Women asked her if she was okay. They thought Joel was abusive to her. She would hear the whispers. She wanted to tell them they didn't know a damn thing. Joel didn't hurt her physically.
She was sick of getting her information from secondhand sources. She was tired of Ellie being their go between. She knew Joel asked about her. She didn't know what he gave a damn. He knew where she resided and where she worked. He was a coward.
He thought he was doing right by her, but he was killing her. She felt as if she were being tortured by him. He gave her some of the best moments of her entire life. He made her feel so good about herself. He was sweet, romantic and charming.
Their intimacy rocked her to the core. Just thinking about it made her heart race. She couldn't look at her couch without thinking about him. Did he do the same? Did he even miss her at all? His words echoed throughout her head. He thought he wanted a relationship, but he didn't. He didn't feel the same as she did.
The only good thing that came of this was Majorie getting kicked out of town. She was escorted to the closest QZ and told never to return. She left with little fanfare. What would some of the men in town do without her?
She blamed herself. Even though she didn't do anything wrong. She wondered if it was something she did. Was she too needy? Did she scare him off with her affection? She thought he enjoyed the intimacy together, but she misread things. She shouldn't have forced him to sleep in bed with her. She shouldn't have forced him to do a lot of things.
Joel was standing in the middle of his cattle ranch. He found a couple cows while hunting with Tommy and some other men. He figured they would come in handy. Milk was always essentials. He even found some chickens, which Ellie seemed to enjoy.
He smiled over at Ellie as she played with the chickens in the coup. If he couldn't get a giraffe, chickens were the next best thing. She loved animals. He was glad she was happy here. At least one of them had to be.
He sighed as he took off his hat and dusted it off. He wiped the sweat off his brow with his bandana as he rested his arms against the fence. He needed to take a few minutes of rest. He wasn't a young man anymore.
He was a flash of red hair out of the corner of his eye. He snapped his head up and his heart sank to his stomach. It wasn't her. The girl didn't have the same shade of red hair. She wasn't coming back here. She didn't have a reason to.
Ellie's been taken care of her garden and bringing Becca back whatever she needed. She refused to come back. He didn't blame her. He told her very clearly he didn't want anything to do with her.
Every time he closed his eyes he saw her face. The angry red handprints on her throat. The tears in her eyes as he walked away from her. Walking away from her was one of the hardest things he's ever had to do.
He kicked the post in frustration and muttered a curse word under his breath. It's only been a week and he missed her. He missed her so much he couldn't sleep. He couldn't focus on work. He only went into town when he knew she was working. He couldn't bear to face her. He was too ashamed. He didn't regret a damn thing about her. He only regretted the way it ended.
He told himself it was better off this way. She could finally move on and be free of him. She wouldn't be burdened with his bullshit anymore.
Ellie said she missed him. She asked about him. Is it because she still cared or was saving face with Ellie? How many times has he went to talk to her only to turn right back around? He lost count. It got as far as her building before he turned back around and went home.
Becca had been right. He was a coward. She probably hated him. He had no one else to blame but himself.
He shook his head and sighed as he slid his gloves back on. It was time to go back to work. Hopefully he could forget about her. It was easier in the day. He could keep his mind busy and distracted with work. Nights are when it killed him. He couldn't escape her at night.
Ellie watched him as he tried to corral the sheep into the barn. She laughed as he fell backwards and his hat fell off his head. He looked over at her with an exasperated look on his face,'Sometimes I think it would be easier to fucking move the farm to them.'
Ellie laughed as she leaned against the fence.'This was your dream.' She cocked her head to the side,'Why was this your dream if you don't know what you're doing?'
'That's why it's a dream.' He shrugged,'I don't know. It seemed peaceful and…less dangerous.' He snorted,'I probably woulda been better off as a singer.'
She smirked as he pulled himself out of the dirt. He took his hat off and dusted it off. She took a moment to carefully study him. She knew he was hurting, but he tried to play it cool. He kept himself busy on the farm. Form sun up to sundown. He never seemed to stop anymore.
She wondered what it would take for him to admit he was wrong. Becca and Joel kept mum, but from the bits and pieces she's gathered; it was totally Joel's fault.
She had seen Becca keeping her throat wrapped up with scarves and high collars. She saw the bruising on her neck. She knew Joel was the cause of them, but Becca wasn't angry with him. In fact, she made it out to be her fault.
Ellie knew Joel had really bad nightmares and panic attacks. It's why he didn't feel comfortable sleeping with anyone. She had witnessed him in the throes of a panic attack. It was scary.
She frowned as she watched him look over at the garden. Becca and her would be sitting there right now. Becca would be excited about the carrots growing. She's been trying to perfect the vegetable for months.
'The carrots are growing.' Ellie kicked at the dirt as she glanced over at the garden,'Becca's gonna be excited.'
He tensed up at the mention of her name. Whenever she was mentioned, he got real quiet and left the room if he could. Becca was yet another woman he refused to acknowledge.
She sighed and shook her head,'She should be here.'
He snorted and nodded,'Yeah well. She ain't.'
'She's not dead, ya know?' She shrugged as she squinted her eyes from the sun,'You don't have to leave things…this way.'
He rolled his eyes exasperatingly. She's been on his hide for a damned week,'Don't you fucking nag me too. Tommy's already on my ass about it.'
'She misses you too, ya know.' She smiled knowingly,'When I go over there, she asks about you. She wants to make sure you're taking care of yourself.'a
He listened intently to her words as he filled up some buckets with water. He let her words roll off his back. He didn't respond to them, but he listened. He felt what she was saying.
He knew he would have to face her sooner or later. He couldn't avoid her forever. He needed to go into town for supplies. He needed to work. It wouldn't be today though.
He could avoid the situation for another day.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Becca walked into the hospital as Sharon was arguing with the surgeon.
She hesitantly walked over to them, curious to know what the fuss was about. She went to the desk, pretending as if she were looking over charts. Her mama always said her curiosity would get her killed one day.
Sharon shook her head and scoffed,'I don't see how that's possible. How do we not have enough?'
The surgeon shook his head and sighed,'We've had a spike in flu cases last year. We used all that we had.'
Sharon noticed Becca standing there and smiled knowingly,'You grow herbs right?'
'Yes.' Becca averted her eyes between her bosses,'Is this about the joint that was found in the lunch area? That wasn't me. I mean, I've been known to, but…'
'We're not talking about that.' She had an amused look on her face as she crossed her arms over her chest,'Wild American ginseng and goldenseal grows around here right?'
She nodded and smiled,'Sure does. I tried growing it myself, but it needs a colder climate. It typically grows in the mountains. Around this time of year actually.'
'If we got it could you make penicillin?' Sharon sighed,'We ran out out and have a kid with pneumonia.'
'I can go and get it myself.' Becca shook her head,'No sense sending anyone else out. They're not gonna know what to look for and you can't risk sending someone who only has a photo to go on.' She shrugged,'I can go myself.'
The surgeons eyes widened as he looked over her,'You can't go by yourself. It's dangerous for a young lady.'
Becca and Sharon looked at one another, rolling their eyes.
Sharon smirked as she rubbed the surgeons arm,'This isn't the sixties anymore, Bill. Women are capable to do things on their own.'
'I should get going.' Becca looked up at the clock. It was nine in the morning,'I should be up and back in a few hours.'
Sharon looked over her face and placed her hands on her shoulders,'Are you sure?'
'I'm sure. The hospital needs medicine.' She smiled uneasily,I could do with the distraction too.'
Sharon smiled sadly as she stroked the side of her face. She looked at this young woman as she was her own daughter. She was a good woman who worked hard to take care of people.
Becca loved Joel. Anyone with a pair of eyes and a semblance of a brain could see that. They seemed to hit a rough patch on their relationship. They refused to talk about it, but she could see it in their faces. They were miserable without each other, but either refused to admit defeat.
They were stubborn and hard headed individuals. She knew Joel was in love with her. Whenever she saw him at meetings, he appeared sullen and grumpy. More so than he usually is.
Becca brought out the good in him. She made him happy. He seemed more relaxed around her. He smiled more. He didn't smile so much now.
They needed to get their shit together. For the sanity of this entire town.
Becca left the hospital and went to her apartment to get dressed. She changed into a warm pair of pants, a thick wooo sweater and hiking boots. She covered her head with a winter hat. She brought a scarf and gloves too. It may be summer, but it was always winter in the Appalachians.
She walked out of her apartment, suited and booted. She made sure to bring her gun and a hunting knife as well. She went to Tommy's barn to retrieve Sadie. She didn't keep her horse at Joel's anymore. She didn't think he would appreciate it.
She froze when she saw him. He was standing at Tommy's barn, talking to someone from Tommy's crew. He laughed at something the man said and she felt the knife being twisted even more. He was laughing without a care in the world. He was going on about his life like nothing happened between them.
He looked good, which made things even worse. He looked good without her. Life went on. She envied his indifference.
His eyes widened when he saw her. He didn't expect to see her here. His eyes looked over her and he shook his head confusingly. Why the hell was she dressed like that? Where the hell was she going?'
She cleared her throat and walked past the two men over to her horse,'Sorry to interrupt. I'm just getting Sadie.'
He narrowed his eyes as she saddled Sadie. He saw the rifle hoisted over her shoulder and her satchel. His heart pounded hard in his chest.
Was she leaving him?
He shook his head. She wasn't leaving anybody. She had the freedom to do what she wanted, but it didn't sit right with him. He didn't like the thought of her leaving because of him. He felt the panic rising up within him. He couldn't stop her from leaving. He didn't want her to go. He just didn't know how to tell her that.
She was dressed for a colder climate. Is this the last time he would see her again? His mind was racing with everything he wanted to say.
Walter walked out of the barn and Joel stayed behind. He shoved his hands in the front pockets of his jeans as she got her stuff together. He glanced up at her and sighed. This is the closest they've been to each other in a week. He had himself to blame because of that.
They needed to talk though. They couldn't keep living like this. Their friends were starting to get caught in the middle of their bullshit.
She looked up at him and sighed, shaking her head,'I'm not leaving. Don't flatter yourself.' He winced as if her words physically hurt him. Good. She hoped they did,'I'm heading up to the mountains for herbs. The hospital is running low on supplies.'
She doesn't know why she volunteered that information to him. He didn't care about what she did. He didn't care about her at all. He made that very clear.
'You're heading up to the mountains?' He stared her down and placed his hands on his hips,'The fucking Appalachian mountains by yourself?' He snorted,'This isn't Little House on the Prairie, Becca. It's dangerous.'
She had to laugh. He was really acting line he gave a damn. She wondered if he was serious. No one could have this much audacity. She had to hand it to him. He had some balls on him.
'I survived a zombie outbreak and two husbands.' She boldly met his gaze,'I also survived you. I think I'll be alright.'
He rubbed his chest at her words. She physically hurt him. Her words cut deep. She was angry with him and had every right to be.
'So we don't work out and you go off on a suicide mission?' He snorted,'Be mad at me all ya want, but don't go out on a wild goose chase to prove a point.'
Her mouth gaped open in shock. She was speechless. He honestly thought this was about him. She was mad because he wasn't wrong. It was partly about him.
She shook her head and let out a dry laugh,'Oh fuck you.' You ever stop to think the world doesn't revolve around you? The hospital needs the herbs and someone's got to do it. I'm the only one, Joel. It's gotta be me.
He carefully studied her for a moment. She had her hands on her hips and was staring up at him defiantly. Her cheeks were flushed with anger and she was breathing harshly. He remembered the way her cheeks flushed when he touched or kissed her.
He quickly looked away. He couldn't think about that right now. Not while she was in front of him. She was beautiful when she was angry. She was gorgeous all the time, when she was like this? He couldn't focus on anything else.
Joel pursed his lips and nodded as he gently patted Sadie's side,'Just give me twenty to grab Dusty.'
Her eyes widened and she shook her head adamantly,'No. no way. You're not coming with me.'
'You're not going up there alone.' He glared up at her,'I don't want anything happening to you. Ellie wouldn't recover from it.'
She felt the hot stinging sensation of tears behind her eyes. She took a deep breath and blinked her eyes. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him.
Ellie. She was sick and tired of him using Ellie as an excuse for everything. Maybe he didn't care. She didn't understand how it was so easy for him.
Her back was facing him as she made sure Sadie was situated. He couldn't take his eyes off her. He drank in every single detail. He didn't realize how much he missed her until she was right in front of him.
She looked as beautiful as she always did, but there was an underlying sadness. She had bags under her eyes. She wasn't sleeping and he hated himself for it, knowing he did that.
She told him she loved him and he did what he's always done. Ran. He couldn't wrap his mind around her being in love with him. She shouldn't love a man like him. He thought the farther he kept her away from her the quicker she would get over it. He wasn't a clean break.
Before her, he would get over things quickly. Heartache was nothing new. He was used to the women in his life leaving him. He couldn't get over her though. Every spot in his house reminded him of her. She was the kind of woman you never got over. She was the one you measured up to everyone else.
He saw the scarf around her neck and reality slapped him in the face. The images of him choking her were still fresh in his mind. He never said he was sorry. It was too late anyway.
Becca finished loading everything into the saddle. She looked back at him over her shoulder and sighed,'I'll meet you at the edge of town.'
There wasn't any use fighting him on it. He would with or without her permission. She didn't know why he cared so much. Why was he so adamant about going?
Joel was seated atop of Dusty as he waited for Rebecca. He had to admit, he was nervous to be alone with her. The last time they were together he almost killed her. There wasn't any coming back from that.
Ellie didn't waste the opportunity to break his balls. When he told her where he was going, she had a smirk on her face. The teenager wasn't stupid. He wasn't for anyone other than himself. He was afraid she wouldn't come back. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happened to her.
He wanted her safe. It's the reason why he kept his distance from her. It was also the same reason he was following her into fucking Mordor or God knows where. He would follow this woman to the depths of the earth, blindly and willingly.
His heart hammered in his chest as he watched her ride up on Sadie. His reasons for being here weren't altruistic. He knew she could take care of herself. He just didn't want her to have to do it alone. He needed to see with his own eyes that she made it back safely.
She rode up to him and gave him nodded curtly,'It's about an hour up and an hour back.' She took out her compass as she studied it for a moment,'I have the trail marked.'
He shook his head in disbelief. She was a good tracker and hunter. She knew her shit. He was thankful to the person who taught her these kills. Knowing her though? She probably taught herself.
She steered Sadie towards the trail and he followed close behind her.
They must've been on the trail for a half hour and neither of them spoke. They were too afraid to disrupt the fragile silence that existed between them. What could they say to each other? Becca was still embarrassed and Joel was ashamed of his actions. They could barely look at each other.
She looked over at him and shook her head,'Why did you even come? Why do you even care?'
She immediately regretted her words as soon as she said them. She was giving herself away. She shouldn't let him know how much she cared. He shouldn't feel guilty for not loving her back.
His eyes widened as he stared over at her.'How the fuck can you ask me that?' He shook his head,'Why wouldn't I be here?'
Becca couldn't hide the incredulous look on he's face. It was the most selfish thing he's ever said to her. It's like he has selective memory. He only remembers what he wants to.
She pulled the reins as Sadie dug her hooves into the dirt, halting her movements. She halted her horse in front of him. She was pissed off. She refused to let him jerk her around.
'Who the hell do you think you are?' Her blue eyes emblazoned with fury,'You can't pick and choose when you want to care about me, Joel.'
He halted his horse as he stared directly at her. They were in the middle of nowhere. No one would interrupt them or hear them for miles. He didn't know if that was a good or bad thing.
'I care about you all the time, Becca.' He frowned,'You think I don't care about you.'
She snorted and shrugged,'You have a funny way of showing it. I…I didn't ask for you to come with me. I don't need a knight in shining armor. I've done this plenty of times before you.'
He nodded as he pulled his horse closer to her,'I ain't Ben or David. I ain't letting my…
He stopped himself before he said 'my woman.' She didn't belong to him anymore. He made sure of that. In his head she was still his woman. He didn't know how to stop thinking like that. He didn't want to. He couldn't make her understand.
Ellie's words kept repeating in his head.
You can make it right.
He had to make it right. This was killing him. It was taking a toll on Rebecca too. It was elucidated on his face. He was tired of running. Why could he just tell her how he felt? Why was it so difficult to say the words? He knew once he did there was no going back.
She pursed her lips as she looked over his face,'You're not letting what? A woman go off by herself?'
He laughed and shook his head,'I know you can take care of yourself. I ain't worried about that.' He took a deep breath and met her gaze,'I ain't letting you go off by yourself.' He closed his eyes and sighed, whispering admittedly,'It scared the shit outta me when I saw ya packing Sadie up.'
Her mouth gaped open at his admission. Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head in disbelief,'You didn't want me to leave Ellie?'
'I wasn't thinking about Ellie.' He snorted,'I…I didn't want ya to leave me. I thought you were gonna leave and I would never get the chance to…say I'm sorry.'
She quickly wiped the tears off her cheeks before he could see them,'You don't have anything to be sorry for, Joel.' She sighed shakily,' I understand if you don't feel the same way I do. I don't expect you to feel anything for me.' She shook her head,'I miss you. I miss my friend. I'm not mad about what you did. I never was. I don't blame you did. I realized I would rather have you in my life as my friend than not have you at all.'
He sniffled roughly as he drudged up all the strength he had not to bawl his eyes out. This beautiful girl who loved him thought he didn't want her. This strong, funny, sexy and warm woman was his for the taking, but he was too much of a pussy to do anything about it.
He was going to burn in hell for what he was doing to her.
He didn't just want to be her friend. He wanted to be everything to her. She was still willing. He could see the hope in her eyes. She would give up on him one day. It should be what he wanted, but it made him hate himself even more.
She looked away shamefully and tightly closed her eyes,'I'm sorry. I really am. It's not fair to you. You can't help what you feel. I can't force you to feel anything.'
It was almost word for word what Tess said to him before she died. Tess had been in love with him too once. He loved her, but he never felt the kind of love she wanted.
When he looked at Becca, she stirred feelings inside of him he never knew existed. He didn't think a man like him was capable of such feelings. She got his old heart beating again
'Are you kidding me?' He sighed as he stared at her longingly,'You think I don't feel anything for you?' He scoffed, as if the mere thought disgusted him,'I ain't good for anyone.'
'You were good for me.' She smiled tearfully,'You were good to me, Joel. You…treated me like a real lady. You treated me like I…mattered. I know I'm not gonna get that from any of the boys in town. You and I both know that.' She nodded as tears fell from her eyes,'You made me realize my worth.'
He frowned as he resisted the urge to reach over and pull her into his lap. Horses be damned. He made her feel insecure about her feelings. He was a fucking asshole.
'You should always feel like a lady, Becca.' He huffed as he felt his chest constricting again,'Any man that doesn't treat ya like a woman isn't worth your time. You should…you should always know your worth. You deserve a man who knows what he's got.'
'I thought you knew.' She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from sobbing,'You didn't know what you had?'
He let out a dry laugh and nodded,'Oh, I knew, darlin.' He cleared his throat,'I just didn't think I was worth your time.'
'I spent a year and a half with you, seeing and knowing you at your worst.' She shrugged,Why would you think you weren't worth it?'
His face fell as he got a serious look on his face,'I almost killed you.'
'Okay.' She shook her head,'I almost killed you too, Joel. You have PTSD. I'm a trained nurse. I know what to expect. You look for any excuse don't you? You told me you were afraid of everything. What did you mean by that?'
He heaved a laborious sigh as their horses slowly trotted along the trail,'I've lost a lot of people and…after awhile I became used to it. When Tess died, I swore to myself that I wouldn't get close to anyone else. I wouldn't get too involved. Ellie came along and I just didn't have myself to think about anymore.' He looked over at her, a small smile forming on his face,'Then she found you.' He laughed,'You got the hell on my fucking nerves, but you got under my skin. I don't when or how it happened. All I know is that somewhere along the line you've become…a constant in my life.' He shook his head,'I don't want a life without you in it either, Becca.'
It wasn't a declaration of love, but it was close enough. It was something. Sure, he described all the qualities of a dog, but he admitted he wanted her in his life. She meant what she said. She would rather have him in her life as a friend than nothing at all.
When the hell did she become so pathetic?
She looked up at the mountains ahead of them,'We should get a move on before it starts getting dicey up there.'
He nodded silently as he followed her up the path. He trailed alongside of her, feeling helpless and out of his depth. He still couldn't tell her how he felt. She thought they were just friends. He didn't know how to make it right. He wasn't used to apologizing for his mistakes. She deserved to know how he felt, but it wasn't the right time. He wondered if he would ever get the chance again.
They hopped off their horses, knowing they would have to walk the remainder of the way. She grabbed her satchel and gun, hoisting then over her shoulder.
She turned to Joel, who was grabbing his rifle,'No.' She shook her head,'Someone needs to stay and make sure the horses don't run off.'
His eyes widened as he shook his head in disbelief,'If you think I'm letting you go off your fucking self you have another thing coming.'
She rolled her eyes and sighed,'I'll be fine. I know where they are. I've done this before. I don't need a bodyguard.'
'You're right.' He nodded as he leaned in close to her,'You don't need anyone looking after you. You're capable. I get it.' He sighed as he placed his hand on her shoulder,'You don't have to prove anything to me. I just want to…' He groaned in frustration,'I want to make sure you're safe. I need to make sure you're safe.'
She didn't know what he meant by that. He was playing tug of war with her. He told her he didn't feel the same way about her. Yet, he followed her up the mountains to make sure she was safe. She shouldn't look too far into it. He would've done this for any of his friends.
'Please stay with Sadie and Dusty.' She looked up at him pleadingly,'I need to make sure they're safe too.'
He nodded and relented. He knew how much her horses meant to her,'A half hour. If you're not back in thirty I'm coming to look for ya. Horses be damned.'
She held her heads up in surrender,'I won't even need thirty. I'll be back in ten. Fifteen tops.'
His jaw twitched and he nodded silently, but didn't say a word. He acquiesced to her wishes, but he clearly wasn't happy about it. He always liked things to be on his terms.'
She grabbed her satchel and gave him a small smile,'Fifteen minutes.'
'You better.' He gritted his teeth and flexed his fists at his sides,'You need me. You shoot into the air. Understand?'
' I understand.' She gave him one last lingering look before she went on her way.
Joel watched her intently as she walked up the trail. He didn't like sending her off on her own. He didn't like not keeping an eye on her. For his own piece of mind, he needed to know she was safe. If something were to happen to her…
He shook those images out of his mind. He didn't even want to think about it. It would drive him mad.
The air started to become colder and denser the higher she got up on the trail. She used her walking stick to make strides with her distance. She pulled her scarf over her face as the wind howled and whipped against her face.
She clutched tightly onto the walking stick, using her mittens for traction. She thought about Joel waiting for her at the bottom. She was thankful he didn't decide to follow her. He just recovered from a heart attack. She didn't feel comfortable with him walking such a long distance. Especially at such high altitudes.
The higher she reached the colder it became. She ducked her face into her scarf, shielding herself from the gelid winds. She crouched down and sifted through the brush to find the herbs. They should be here. She doubted anyone else had been up here. Clickers usually stayed in cities and denser populated areas. No one else in town would travel up here. She was the only one. They had to be here.
She saw the herbs and let out a triumphant hoot. She cut them worn her knife and carefully wrapped them up in her handkerchief. She slid it inside her satchel and continued to look for the other herbs.
After retrieving what she came for, she headed back down the mountain. The wind was howling as she carefully made her way down the trail. A wind drift blew over her. The force of it knocked her to the ground. She managed to pull herself up and saw a mountain of snow in front of her.
She closed her eyes and cursed under her breath. The trail was completely covered in snow. She would have to find another way down. She didn't know how to do that.
Her hands shook as she took out her compass. She looked at it and shook her head. She didn't even know why she was looking at it. It was useless. She couldn't waste time.
She crawled out from under the mound of snow. She slid under a small pathway to the other side. Her eyes quickly scanned the area, trying to find another way to go.
There was another trail downward, but she would have to jump. If she didn't make the landing she could break something or die. Either option seeker plausible at the moment.
She shrugged. She would rather break something than die. She heard the loud rumbling above her. She looked up and saw the snow veering toward her direction.
She didn't have time to make a choice. The snow roared down the mountain abs veered in her direction. She curled herself into a fetal position as she braced herself for the impact.
She screamed as the show toppled onto her and pulled her downwards. The snow carried her down the mountain and she fell onto an embankment. She winced as she lifted her head up. She felt the dizziness and laid her head back down, staring up at the sky. At least she wasn't dead.
She was pretty sure she surpassed the fifteen minute mark though. There wasn't a doubt in her mind Joel would be coming for her. Horses be damned.
It's been longer than fifteen minutes and he was growing impatient. He looked down at his watch. Twenty five minutes. He promised her thirty minutes. He was sick of waiting. He didn't even see any sight of her.
He tied Sadie and Dusty to each other. It would be difficult for them to run off tied together. He knew they wouldn't go anywhere. The horses were loyal to them.
Joel patted the horses's hides and hoisted his rifle on his shoulder,'Sit tight, girls. I'm gonna get your mama.'
They neighed in response and he smirked. Sadie and Dusty were like Becca's children. During the entire week they weren't talking she would have Ellie bring Dusty to visit her. Even after everything he's done to her she didn't take Dusty back. She let him keep her. He had to admit, he's grown to love the horse. She was a good girl and a hell of a sheep wrangler.
Joel pulled his scarf over his face as he made his way up the trail. He pushed against the heavy winds, calling out her name, but he didn't hear a response.
He kept screaming her name as he walked up the trail, but all he heard was wind. Panic started to rise up within him. Tears filled his eyes that had nothing to do with the cold. He's never been this afraid in his life. He couldn't lose her. Not without telling her how he felt.
'Becca!' He shouted,'Where the fuck are ya?' He whimpered as he saw the mound of snow, but no Becca. He fell down onto his knees in the snow, whispering,'Please God. Please…please.' He was pleading as his hands shook violently,'Please don't do this to me. I'm sorry. Please.'
'Joel!'
He felt the relief wash over him. It felt like he could finally breathe again. She was alive. He made a silent vow to himself right then and there. As long as he was alive. She would never be alone. He refused to ever let her out of his sight again.
His head snapped up. He quickly scurried off the ground, his eyes searching frantically for her,'Becca?! Where the fuck are you?'
'Down here! Under the snow!'
He followed her voice and jumped down to the embankment. He found her buried underneath a mound of snow. He used the butt of his rifle to move away most of the snow. He saw her hand and grabbed it tightly. He managed to get some leverage and gritted his teeth, using all of the strength he could muster to pull her out from underneath.
He slid her out and he stumbled backwards with her falling on top of him.
He leaned back and held her face in his hands. His eyes searched all over her for injuries,'Are you alright?'
'I think so.' Her teeth chattered. Her clothes were soaked through and she was freezing. She placed her hands on his chest, whispering,'I hit my head pretty good.'
He gingerly held the back of her head and frowned when he saw the blood trickling down her temple,'We'll have Sharon take a look at ya. You're okay though?'
She nodded and sighed,'I'm okay. Thanks…for coming and getting me.'
'You said fifteen minutes.' He shrugged,'I waited until twenty minutes before I came. I knew something was wrong.' He shook his head,'It was killing me. I couldn't do it anymore. I never should've let you go off alone.'
'This would've happened regardless if you were here or not, Joel.' She frowned,'You can't always be in control.'
'I'm in control of this.' He searched her face,'Good thing I was too.'
He placed his hands underneath her arms and helped her out of the snow. He looked her over, making sure nothing was broken. She wouldn't say anything more to him. She was thankful he had been here.
She didn't protest when he picked her up bridal style and carried her down the mountain. He helped her onto Sadie before mounting Dusty.
She looked up at him and smirked,'You left the horses.'
'I did.' He narrowed his eyes,'And I would do it again too. They weren't going anywhere. They're your girls. They're just as stubborn as you.'
She laughed softly. Things like this were easy with him. If only he could be this easy when it comes to loving him.
They reached town and she was headed to the hospital when he trotted in front of her horse,'You should lay down and get some rest.'
'I need to get these herbs to the hospital.' She sighed and shook her head,'They need them.'
He could see her eyes fluttering shut. He knew she was hurting. She went barreling down a mountain of snow. Anyone would need rest after that.
Her face was pale and all the color was drained from her face.
He grabbed the reins of her horse and led her to his ranch. He helped her off Sadie, ignoring her words of protest. He gingerly lifted her into his arms and carried her inside.
Ellie saw them coming from the barn. She ran into the house as Joel was carrying Becca up the stairs.
Her eyes widened as she looked over her,'What happened?'
'Occupational hazard.' He sighed as he carried her into the guest bedroom.
She was lucid when he carefully slid her into bed,'There's a bag downstairs. I need you to bring that bag to Sharon. Tell her to come here and make sure she okay. Understand?'
'Of course.' Ellie nodded as she looked down at Becca.
She ran out of the room to take care of business. She couldn't wait to tell Sharon they were back together. Or at least talking again. Thank the Lord for small favors.
Joel took off her wet clothes and placed them by the fire downstairs. She didn't say anything as he stripped her clothes off. It needed to be done. She didn't want a fever. Besides, it's not like he hasn't seen it all before.
He placed a few blankets on her. He didn't want her to get sick. He kept talking to her to keep her awake, but the longer he stayed with her, the more aggravated she became. He didn't blame her. After everything he did to her. He wouldn't want him around either.
Sharon came to the house within a half hour. She walked into the guest bedroom, looking up at Joel and grinning,'It's good to see you both back on good terms.'
Becca snorted as she closed her eyes,'He bullied me into coming with me. I didn't think he was into herbs.'
'I ain't.' He crossed his arms over his chest and glared up at Sharon 'You made her hike a fucking mountain? What the hell is wrong with you?'
Sharon checked over Becca as she rolled her eyes,'I didn't make her do anything. She insisted. I wish I had that much agency over my employees.'
'It's not her fault, Joel.' She sighed,'I wanted to do it and I'll do it again. It's my job.'
Good girl. Sharon smiled.
She wasn't making it easy on him. Good she shouldn't. Sometimes you need to work for the things you want the most in life.
Sharon finished looking Becca over. She had a concussion and a few bumps and bruises, but she was perfectly fine. She did suggest she take off work for a couple days, but she wouldn't do that. She expected to see her at the hospital tomorrow like nothing happened.
Sharon went back to the hospital, leaving them alone.
She slowly pulled herself up and winced,'I should get home.'
She wrapped the blanket around her bare chest as she tried to get up, but she was too dizzy. She closed her eyes momentarily, willing the feeling to go away. She shouldn't be here. She should be home.
'You're not going anywhere.' His tone was firm but gentle. He placed his hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back against the bed,'Sharon said someone should keep an eye on ya.'
'I can keep an eye on myself.' She shook her head and sighed,'I don't want to trouble you anymore.'
Joel let out a huff as he bowed his head,'You can stay for dinner. I usually make more than enough for me and Ellie.'
'I have to go home.' Her tone was adamant,'I have to.'
He shook his head and gritted his teeth,'Stay. For the love of God. Please fucking stay.' He rested his arms on his legs as he twiddled his thumbs nervously.'I missed ya too. Not a minute went by this week where I didn't. This house don't feel right without you in it.'
He lifted his head up to look at her and gasped at the raw vulnerability etched into his features,'When I told you I was afraid. I meant it. I've never been afraid. Not when Sarah or Tess died. Not even when Ellie as taken away from me. I didn't fear anything. Until I met you.' He shook his head,'When I waited at the bottom of the mountain and you didn't come…I never knew fear like that before. And when I couldn't find you…I realized what it felt like to lose you. Really lose you.' He looked over at her and sighed shakily,'I thought you were leaving for good in Tommy's barn.' She was surprised to see the tears falling down his face,'I don't ever wanna lose you. I knew in that moment I wouldn't go anywhere without you. I'll follow you anywhere.'
She thought this was the closest thing she would ever get to him. She didn't know where they stand. All she knew is that that were best friends. At the end of the day, their friendship is what matters above all else.
She extended her hand out and he slid his hand in hers. She tangled their fingers together and smiled tearfully,'You won't lose me, Joel. I'm here. I've always been here.'
He closed his eyes and kissed her knuckles. He pressed his nose against her knuckles, breathing her in. He almost forgot what she smelled like. He didn't know what their future held. All he knew is that he didn't want to be without her. Not if he could help it.
She wouldn't wait around for him forever. He didn't know if time was on his side. He didn't want to waste any more tike. Not when it could be spent with her.