Chapter 24:I'm always the last one to know.
'He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend I had none.'
-Madeline Miller, Circe
Happy. It's the only word to describe her in this moment. She was deliriously happy. She couldn't remember a time she's felt like this before.
Even before the outbreak, she had her issues in her personal and professional life. Nothing really made sense in her life. She tried to be happy, but things were imploding around her. The outbreak had been a blessing and a curse.
She had a day off today and she planned to spend it wisely. She had plans with a handsome man today. He was taking her back to the lake. They haven't been there since that first day. It's only been a week, but she missed it. It was like her own little slice of heaven.
It was something they could share together that was all their own. No one would find them or interrupt them. They could just be. Becca and Joel.
It seemed all they've ever gotten are stolen moments that barely satiated them. There was always someone or something to take care of. They never could just focus on themselves.
She walked out of her building, smiling brightly when she saw him. He had a smile on his face that matched her own. He had a lot to be happy about too.
They've managed to keep the peace between them this last week. They've been working a lot and haven't spent a lot of time together, but he walked her home from work every night. He hasn't invited her to the house and she hasn't asked. Ellie's been pushing the issue though. She didn't want to force his hand. She missed her garden, but she valued her self preservation even more.
This was always his favorite part of picking her up. She would walk out of her building, wearing a pretty dress and giving him an even prettier smile. He's never met anyone so happy to see him. She always had a smile for him. Even when she was exhausted and sad. She never missed an opportunity to make him feel important. She made him feel special, which is why he was putting extra effort in their date today.
He even relented and asked Maria for help. It was her mama's birthday today. She wasn't sad or sullen as one would expect her to be, but he knew she had to be hurting. She was like him in a lot of ways. She kept her hurt hidden and shoved it down deep. He didn't want her to do that anymore. He wanted her to share her sorrows with him. He wanted them to share everything.
He put his hand out for her to take it as she climbed onto the horse to sit behind him. He looked back at her over his shoulder and smirked,'I plan to keep you all to myself for the rest of the day. I hope you don't got anywhere to be.'
'I don't.' She shook her head and smiled softly as she tightly wrapped her arms around his waist,'I'm all yours.'
She rested her head against his back and he placed one of his hands over hers. He wanted her to be his. In every sense of the word. He just didn't know how to ask her.
He pulled the reins on Dusty as they made their way out of town. They talked some. Mostly about their week and Joel's projects he was working on in town or at the ranch. It seemed like the ranch was thriving. It was starting to become fruitful and he would be able to supply the town. She was proud of him. He accomplished everything he set out to do.
They reached the lake and dismounted Dusty. He tied her up and he laid a blanket out for them to sit. He brought some food this time. He didn't want them to have any reason to leave. He meant it when he said he wanted to be here with her all day. He cleared out his calendar. He didn't have any plans. Just her and him.
He laid on his back while she sat up. His hand was on her back. She had her shoes off and he took off his shirt, feeling hot in the scorching summer heat.
He idly ran his hand up and down the length of her back. She had her hand on his bare stomach. They say in silence, enjoying the peace and solitude. They never got the chance to just sit in peace. Everything was always so chaotic.
He sat up as she leaned back into him, pressing her back against his bare chest. He kissed the back of her neck, nuzzling into her warm skin,'It's your mama's birthday today.'
'You remembered.' She nodded and smiled sadly,'She would've been sixty five today. She was always excited for everyone's birthday but her own. She never wanted to be reminded she was getting older.'
He pressed an open mouthed kiss to the back of her bare shoulder,'She probably woulda hated me.'
She nodded and laughed,'At first? No doubt. She would've like you after she got to know you though. I'm sure of it.' She shook her head,'Daddy would've been the cold one.' She took a deep breath and looked up at him,'Daddy was your age when he got infected. I killed him.'
'You didn't kill him.' He frowned,'You were putting him out of his misery.'
She didn't respond as she looked off into the distance. He knew there wasn't anything he could say to make it better. She felt guilt for killing her parents. There wasn't anything he could do to change that. What he could do is be there for her and he would be.
She slid herself in between his legs, resting her back against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, caging her in with his body. He rested his head on top of hers, breathing in the scent of her hair.
He sighed into her hair and closed his eyes, whispering,'Tess was infected when she died. She…got bit and didn't tell me at first. She looked after Ellie in the beginning though. If she was still alive I know she would've stayed looking after her. She…made sure Ellie was safe. Right until the very end.
Becca learned a long time ago there we'd be any use being jealous of a dead woman. He had a long sordid history with the woman. She was grateful for Tess. She took care of Joel. She loved Joel. It was obvious he loved her too. In his own way.
She settled further back against him as pulled her closer to him,'Where did you meet her?'
'Back in Boston. It was a year after Sarah died. I was in a refugee camp. She was with a few of her friends. They were smugglers, bullets and guns mostly. She took me under her wing and showed me the ropes. We got…closer. You spend so much time with someone and face death every day, you start to appreciate the moments you're alive. We took comfort in each other. She was a good woman. A real good woman. Tough as nails. Smart too. She was beautiful.' He shook his head sadly,'I never got to tell her she was beautiful. I didn't treat her as I should. I knew she was in love with me. I used that to my advantage. I was stupid and reckless. She would still be alive if it wasn't for me.'
It's the most he's ever said about her. She's known him for two years and this is the first time he's ever really talked about her. She knew he felt guilt for her death. How he wished there were things he could've done differently. She never met the woman, but through Joel she felt like she did. It seemed him and Tess were alike in a lot of ways.
There was also a part of her that envied Tess. She got to know Joel in ways she never had. He fully gave himself over to her. He didn't treat her like glass or something that was fragile to be broken. She was his equal.
Becca would never know what it's like to be anyone's partner. They learned of her past and treated her with kid gloves. They looked at her with pity and walked on eggshells around her. She didn't want to be seen as weak anymore. She more than exemplified her worth. She was capable of so much more than people give her credit for.
'I'm sure she knew, Joel.' She took his hands and tangled their fingers together,'A woman knows when a man loves her. She can see it in his eyes. She can feel it.'
He stared at their hands intertwined abs swallowed harshly. Did she know how he felt? Did she see it in his eyes? Did she feel it? Could she see through his thinly veiled facade?
'I loved her but I wasn't in love with her.' He whispered admittedly,'I…tried to make myself fall in love with her, but I couldn't…I couldn't make myself feel it. The night before she died, she asked me if I was in love with her. I told her no. Maybe…maybe if I said yes, she wouldn't have been so reckless.'
'You don't lie to people.' She shook her head and sighed,'It's one of the things I admire about you. You can't change the way you feel. Just like I can't change the way you feel about me. I can't force you to love me, Joel. I told you what I felt that night because I meant it. I never once blamed you for anything you did that night. I won't ever make you feel guilty for not loving me.'
He hated himself. In this moment, he wouldn't be shocked if the Earth swallowed him up whole. It would be what he deserved. This gorgeous woman. This woman who was beautiful inside and out was professing her love for him and all he could do was sit there. What the fuck was wrong with him?
He picked up his bag, needing a distraction from the heaviness of the conversation,'Are you hungry? I packed some stuff for lunch.'
She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from crying. She should be used to the rejection by now. If he didn't care about her than why the fuck was he doing all this for her?
He placed the food down onto the blanket as they ate quietly. He carried the conversation as she sat there and ate quietly. He was getting the feeling she didn't want to be here or he pissed her off. It was probably a combination of the two.
They finished eating and he packed their stuff away. He looked over at her as she stared out at the lake,'You wanna go swimming?'
'No.' She shook her head and gave him a small smile,'I would like to go home though. If that's okay.'
His eyes widened as he looked over her. He felt the panic rising up inside of him again. His heart stopped and it felt as if he were falling. There wasn't anything he could do to stop it.
'What did I do?' He frowned,'Tell me what I did wrong and I'll fix it.'
She shook her head and sighed. He didn't do a damn thing wrong. She hated that he felt guilty for no reason. She was angry at him because he didn't love her. She didn't want a relationship where it was one sided. She felt like she was his good time rather than someone meaningful in his life. After all the bullshit men she's dealt with in her life, she didn't want to settle.
'You didn't do anything wrong, Joel.' She hugged herself and shook her head,'I just want to go home.'
His jaw twitched as he nodded silently. He picked up the blanket and rolled it up, stuffing it into his nap sack. He felt stupid for thinking any of his efforts made a difference. He thought they would spend the day together. He was going to bring her back to his house, cook her dinner and woo the fuck outta her. He even had Maria help with the details. He was going to show her how he felt. It was too little too late. He lost his chance with her.
She watched as he placed his nap sack on Dusty's saddle,'Matt from work asked me out on a date.'
His back was facing her as he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. There it is. The moment he's been waiting for when she finally tells him it's over between them. She was just humoring an old man before she found something better. She felt sorry for him.
He knew Matt. He met him a few times. Becca introduced them. He was one of the surgeons. A real fucking egghead. He was around her age, tall, blonde and handsome. A real all American boy. He's been sniffing around her for months now. They would make the perfect couple. He could give her things he couldn't, like a family. He didn't seem to have any baggage. Everyone at the hospital loved him. He was well liked in town. He's seen the way he looked at her. He got what he wanted while he's left out in the cold.
She stood there and looked at him, waiting for him to say something,'You don't have anything to say?' She crossed her arms over her chest,'Nothing at all?'
'Good for Matt.' He shrugged, keeping his back facing her,'You're free to do what you want, Becca.'
'I didn't say yes.' She stared at his back, wishing he would look at her,'I didn't want to say yes if…if there was a chance that-'
'That I could what?' He growled as he turned around to face her,'Just fucking say it.'
'I didn't want to say yes if there was a chance you loved me back.' Her shoulders slumped dejectedly,'Is there a chance that you could love me back?'
He didn't answer her and she nodded, letting out a dry laugh,'Okay. I understand. What's so different about me from Tess? Why is it so difficult for you to let her go, but you can just…let go of me so easily? I've done everything you've wanted. I…I've respected your wishes and kept my distance from you. I was patient. For the last two years all I've ever fucking done is cater to your feelings. What about mine, Joel?'
He stared at her in bewilderment. She was right about everything.
'You're right.' He nodded,'You're not like Tess. Not one damn bit. I don't want you to be like her. You think it's easy to let you go?' He scoffed,'For the week you weren't there…it felt like a fresh hell every time I woke up and you weren't there. You got me so fucked up I can't fall asleep if you're not there. The night…I hurt you was a bad day for me. I was going through my belongings and I found her pocket watch. I went up to the mountains and I buried it. I said goodbye to her that day for the last time. It was the last thing I had left of her and I buried it.'
He took a moment to gather his bearings. He's kept this bottled up inside for so long, but she deserved to know. She needed to know or he would lose her forever. He didn't have to be afraid anymore. This was their special place. Anything they said here would be kept sacred.
He took a step closer to her, baring himself to her,'I told her I found myself a girl that…that was good to me. That I found someone who could handle my moods and who was patient with me. She always told me I couldn't love her because we were too much alike. It would be like loving himself and I've never been good at that. I can love you Becca. I want to love you. Let me try. Please let me try. Don't go out with him. He doesn't deserve you.'
Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head, a small smile forming on her face,'And you do?'
'No.' He shook his head,'I don't, but I wanna be. I want you to show me how to love you. No one's ever…' He cringed at how pathetic he sounded to her, but she needed his honesty more than ever,'No one's ever given me the chance.'
She sighed as she stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. A sigh of relief escaped him as he pulled her into his arms. He buried his face in her neck and closed his eyes. He almost lost her again.
This is all she's ever wanted from him. She didn't need him professing his love for her to the high heavens. She just wanted to know she wasn't alone in this. She would give him the chance to love her. She wanted to tell him he didn't need to be taught how to love someone. He was already doing a pretty good job of it, but he didn't have faith in himself.
He looked up at her as he held her in his arms,'I don't wanna leave yet. There's still something I wanna show ya.' He straightened up as he stroked her hair,'This wasn't supposed to be a day of crying. I had something fun planned for us.'
'Fun?' Her eyes widened dramatically,'Joel Edward Miller planned something fun? Ellie isn't gonna believe this.'
He rolled his eyes and shook his head,'I am capable of fun. Who told you my middle name?'
'Tommy.' She smirked as she stepped back from him,'He said you hated it and always told everyone your middle name was James. Even your teachers thought that until you graduated high school.'
He narrowed his eyes. He was going to kill Tommy. God knows what else he's told her. He was glad they weren't fighting anymore. He didn't like arguing with her. He didn't want to spend anymore time being mad. He just wanted a day to have fun with his girl.
He took her hand in his and led her up a trail alongside of the mountain. The trail ended at a cave behind the waterfall. He brought her inside, letting her see the view from behind the waterfall.
She looked out onto the vast landscape. She could see Jackson County from where they were standing.
'You can see everything from up here.' She shook her head in disbelief,'I've never seen anything like it. I always used to look at pictures, but I never thought I would see the real thing. Before the outbreak, I never left Kentucky. I've never even been on a plane. I'll never know what that's like. I always wanted to travel to other countries and see the world.' She blinked away tears and smiled sadly,'This is the closest I'll ever get.'
He placed his hand on her back and rubbed it soothingly,'I wish I could give that to ya. You would love Chile. I used to go there every summer and visit my Abuela. She made the best food.' He cleared his throat,'She died when I was nineteen, but I still think about her everyday. She would've loved you. She always told me I should find a good woman to settle down with.'
She smiled softly as she leaned up and cupped his cheek in her hand,'I wanna learn all about your culture. I want you to teach more Spanish. I want to listen to more of the songs you grew up with. I wanna know all about you.'
He leaned into her touch and bit his bottom lip,'You sure about that, darlin? You knowing everything about me is dangerous.'
She smirked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She leaned back against him and sighed softly,'Dangerous for you maybe. But not me. You already know so much about me.'
He kissed the back of her head as he pulled her even closer against him,'I don't know enough. I wanna know everything about you too, darlin. Anything you wanna give me.'
'Be careful what you wish for.' She grinned,'I do come with faults.'
He snickered and tickled her sides, making her squirm against him,'You've put up with me all this time. I'm sure I can handle you. What about you, honey girl? You think you can handle me?'
She couldn't help but wiggle her ass against his crotch, hearing his sharp intake of breath,'I think I'm doing alright so far. Don't you?'
His eyes rolled in pleasure as she pushed her ass against his dick. He was halfway hard just by being close to her, but he was fully erect now. He knew there was no way she didn't feel it. He bit his bottom lip and pushed himself fully against her. He wanted her to feel what she did to him. He wasn't going to hide himself from her anymore.
He kissed the back of her back and licked a trail up to her ear. She moaned softly as he licked around the shell of her ear, gently biting her earlobe,'You really were gonna go out with that dickhead?'
She tilted her head, giving him better access to her neck,'I thought about it.'
She gasped as he pressed open mouthed kisses along her neck. He relished in her sighs as his hands explored her body. His large hands slip up to cup her breasts over her dress. She whimpered as he groped them. He squeezed her nipples over her dress, making her body jolt. She pushed back against him and bit her lip when she felt his erection.
She ground her ass against his cock, making him let out a guttural moan. She never heard that sound from him before. She wondered if she could get him to do it again.
He sucked and bit on her neck, faintly wondering if he was bruising her skin. He wasn't hurting her this time around though. He was loving on her. It's all he ever wanted to do.
His hands touched every inch of her he could reach. He pushed against her over and over again, grunting into her neck. He was embarrassingly close to coming and she hadn't even touched him. She turned him into a horny green teenager.
He slid his hand underneath her dress and blindly found her clit. He thought about fingering her, but he wanted his dick to be the first thing inside her. He wanted her tight warmth wrapped around his cock and feel her flutter around him as she came. He would settle for this though.
She moaned raggedly as his rough calloused thumb slowly rolled over her clit. His other hand was roaming all over her body, gently grasping at her skin like he couldn't get enough of her.
His mouth was all over neck. She couldn't think. All she could do was focus on him.
'You're so fuckin hot, baby girl.' He hissed as she ground against his cock,'I can't wait to feel you around my cock. You're gonna take me so good. You're so soaked for me. You're gonna feel so fucking good. I fuckin know it.'
She gasped at his heated words. He rubbed her clit slowly but firmly. She felt the tingling sensation at the tips of her toes. She whimpered as the heat pooled in her belly. She cried out as she came, her thighs clamping together. Her knees buckled with the force of her orgasm and he wrapped his arm firmly around her waist to catch her fall.
He continued to rub her clit through her orgasm, whispering into her ear,'Attagirl. That's it, baby. You're so fucking beautiful when you come for me.'
He's never been this talkative when they were intimate before. He was usually so quiet and reserved. She liked this receptive side of him. He was sexy and fun. She knew sex would be enjoyable with him and wouldn't feel like a chore.
She slumped back against him and closed her eyes. She took a few deep breaths as she came down from her intense orgasm. She laughed slightly, feeling giddy for no reason. She's missed this. The fleeting moments of joy so palpable you feel it for days.
He laughed slightly as he carefully set her down on her feet,'You okay?'
'Yes.' She giggled as she turned around and held his face in her hands,'I'm better than okay.' She looked down and saw the wet spot on the front of his jeans,'Did you?'
'Yes.' He shook his head and smiled sheepishly, 'You made an old man come in his jeans.'
'I could say I'm sorry.' She smirked.
'But you're not are you?'
She shook her head and smiled,'No, I'm not.'
He smirked to himself and shook his head in disbelief. She would be wild and fun in bed. She was such a sexy little thing. He doesn't know what he's done in his life to deserve someone like her, but he wouldn't take it for granted anymore.
She sat in front of him as they made their way back into town. She was halfway on his lap and his arms caged her in as he held tightly onto the reins. She laid her head on his shoulder, taking a brief reprieve.
He looked down at her and smiled softly. This is what it's all about. It's what they fought so hard for. The constant fighting, pettiness and bickering. None of it mattered. He didn't always understand, but he tried to. He tried to be the best version of himself when he was with her. Ellie may have brought out the humanity within him, but Becca made him want to be the person she saw in him. She saw the good on him when everyone else didn't.
She woke up just as they were arriving at the ranch. He let her off at the house while he checked on the animals and put Dusty up for bed.
She walked into the house and looked around, feeling an immense of relief. It felt good to be back here. It felt like home.
As much as she liked having her own space, she missed being here. It always smelled like Joel and Ellie. Ellie's drawings were plastered all over along with Joel's furniture he made. Everything she loved was inside this house.
He walked in a few minutes later,'I'm gonna get changed. I think some of your stuff is still in your…in the guest bedroom.' He met her gaze from across the room,'I haven't changed it since ya left. For the record? That room is always yours. Whenever you want it.'
She smiled softly up at him. He truly didn't know how much it meant to her. She's missed sneaking up here in the middle of the night and sleeping in her room. Whenever she had a bad nightmare, she had to stop herself a few times from coming here. It was always her safe place.
She followed him up the stairs as she stared at his back, pursing her lips,'It wasn't just the room. I like knowing you and Ellie are here.'It makes me feel better.'
He smiled to himself and nodded,'Ditto.'
She bit back a smile. She really enjoyed this side of him. She knew he wouldn't always be like this. He was set in his ways, but she would cherish these moments alone with him, knowing they were few and far between.
She went into her room and changed into a tank top and pajama pants. She didn't have much else to wear and her dress was dirty. She would get a few curious stares from the women in the laundry room. It's not the first dress he's soiled. She doubted it would be the last. They would just have to clutch their pearls and get used to it.
She walked down the stairs and smelled the aroma of fried chicken. Her stomach grumbled in response as she ran down the stairs without shame.
She walked into the kitchen and shook her head in disbelief. There was a plate of fried chicken, hush puppies and collared greens. The lights were off and there were candles on the table.
'This is all the stuff my mama used to make.' She shook her head in bewilderment,'You did all this? How did you know?'
'I had some help.' He cleared his throat,'I talked to Maria some. I remembered it was your mama's birthday today.' He shrugged, feeling uncharacteristically shy all of the sudden,'I asked Maria if she knew anything about her. She told me you talked about her cooking all the time. I'm not the best cook, but Maria helped me with most of it. I can't take all the credit.'
Tears filled her eyes as she stared up at him. It was the sweetest and most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for her. If she wasn't in love with him already she certainly would be now.
'I can't believe you did this for me.' She couldn't stop the tears from falling from her eyes,'No one's done anything nice for me in…years.' She swallowed harshly and sighed shakily,'I don't know how to repay you back.'
'Repay me back?' His eyes widened and he walked over to her, placing his hand on her back,'You don't have to pay me back just because I did something nice for you.' He couldn't contain his anger,'What kinda fucking people have you been around?'
She shook her head and smiled tearfully,'Not the good kind, I suppose.' She leaned up and patted his cheek affectionately,'I'm around good people now though. I have one of the good ones.'
He averted his eyes downward. He had something to ask her. It's been nagging him since he picked her up, but he didn't know the right time to ask. He figured bow was as good of time as any.
He scratched the back of his neck nervously as he shifted on his feet,'Will you be my woman again? I…I want ya to be my girl again. I don't want anyone else asking ya out on a date. I don't like that. I know men are always gonna want ya. There ain't nothing I can do to control that, but I want to know you're mine.' He closed his eyes and sighed, whispering,'I need to know that you're mine, Becca.'
She sighed as she shushed him by kissing his lips,'I've never stopped being your girl, Joel. You've never stopped being my man. We just gotta stop with the bullshit. I told I didn't want anybody else and I meant it. I've had a nice young man. They don't live up to the hype. My nice young man liked to cheat on me every chance he got. You're the best man there is for me.'
He couldn't argue with that even if he tried. He always assumed life with her husband was happy. She never gave him any indication it wasn't. It was only recently he discovered her husband wasn't the man he thought he was. Has every man that came into her life failed her? He didn't want to be one of those men who hurt her and let her down. He wanted to be the man that made her forget about all that.
He felt like an asshole for the way he treated her. He disregarded her feelings. He pushed her away and said horrible things to her. Not knowing all she endured at the hands of other men. He didn't want to be another man in her life who's hurt her.
Despite it all, she was still here. She didn't leave him. For some reason unbeknownst to him, she gave him another chance. He wouldn't make her regret it.
He sighed as he nodded towards the table,'We should eat before it's get cold.'
She nodded eagerly as she sat down at the table. He sat down next to her. He carefully watched her as she tried the food. She had a smile on her as she closed her eyes, savoring the food. He did this. He made this beautiful woman happy. He could do this. Be a normal man with a normal life. He didn't have to learn to love her. He already did.
He cleared the table after dinner and surprised her by bringing out a cake. She burst into tears when she saw her mom's name and age scrawled on it. The writing was wonky in places, but she appreciated the effort.
He placed the cake down in front of her as he lit the candles,'Ellie helped me make the cake. We both had no idea what we were doing. We argued over the icing. She said pink was too girly.'
She looked over the cake and the bright pink icing,'I think it looks perfect.' She looked up at him, her eyes blinded with tears,'This is the best thing ever. My mama would've loved this. '
'Blow out the candles.' He nodded,'Make a wish for your mama.'
She leaned in close to the cake and closed her eyes. She didn't make a wish for her mama. She thanked her instead.
I love you, mama. Thank you for Joel. You gave me a good one.
She blew out the candles as Joel clapped softly. She leaned over and held his face in her hands, kissing him deeply,'Thank you. I love you.'
He wanted so much to say the words back, but they stopped in his throat. They were three simple words. Why was it so difficult to say them?
'You're welcome.' He whispered against her lips, 'I don't think we should eat the cake though.'
She leaned back from him and frowned,'Why not?'
'Cause we really didn't know what we were doing and I don't know if it's actually fucking edible.' He shook his head,'Ellie really couldn't get over the pink icing. She raged cooked and may have fucked it up.'
She laughed and shook her head as she grabbed a fork. She stabbed into the cake and took a bite,'It tastes alright to me.' She forked up another piece and put it up to his mouth,'Taste it. It's good.'
He slowly slid his mouth around the fork. She watched his tongue as he licked the icing off his lips,'It does taste good.' He leaned in close and licked the frosting off the corner of her mouth, whispering darkly 'Very good.'
She smirked as she scooped up a piece of cake with her finger, feeding him another bite. They say there like that, feeding each other cake. She's never seen him like this before. He was playful as she smeared some of the icing on her face only to lick it off.
He finally let his guard down completely with her. He was showing her the man he was and used to be. Before the outbreak turned him into a cold hearted survivor. That same man had always been inside him. He kept him hidden down deep though. The man he used to be wouldn't survive the things he's done. He wouldn't forgive himself for them either.
Becca helped him clean up the kitchen and they decided to head up to bed. They were exhausted and had a long day.
She wasn't disappointed when he went to his bedroom alone. She didn't expect change to happen overnight. He still had nightmares and panic attacks. He didn't feel comfortable sleeping next to anyone. Especially after what happened the last time.
He walked her to her door though. He gave her a kiss goodnight that made her knees weak. He gave her one of the best days of her life. She wouldn't be ungrateful.
She had fallen asleep when she heard the knock on her door. She blearily opened her eyes and lifted her head up discerning her surroundings. She was in the guest bedroom of Joel's house. She wasn't in Silver Lake. She was safe.
She pulled herself up from the bed and opened the door. She found Joel standing there. He was only in boxers. His hair was wild and sticking up every which way. It looked as if he had been continuously running his hands through it.
He looked over her. She was only on a whire v neck t shirt and black panties. Her hair was wild from sleep. Just seeing her made him feel ten times better.
He ran a shaky hand through his hair as he nervously chewed on his bottom lip,'I know it's late and I'm sorry to wake ya…but I don't wanna be alone right now. I…I had a nightmare and…' He shook his head and sighed,'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have woken ya up. I'm just gonna go downstairs.'
She sighed and grabbed his hand, gently tugging him into her room,'Shut up, Joel. You're not going anywhere but here.'
She brought him over to her bed and he sat down on the edge of it. His hands were shaking as he hung his head low.
She sat behind as she slowly and cautiously placed her hand on his back,'You wanna talk about it?'
'It doesn't stop, baby.' He mumbled something incoherently under his breath,'Every time I close my eyes I see her fall. All I do is fail her over and over again.' He held his head in his hands, crying softly,'I couldn't save her. I fucking hate that I couldn't save her.'
Her heart broke for him. There wasn't anything she could say to make the pain stop. He would always grieve the loss of his daughter. While she couldn't take the pain away from him; she could support him.
She wrapped her arms around him from behind, holding him tightly. He gripped her arm with both of his hands as leaned back into her. He was safe with her. She wouldn't think he was weak for crying. She wouldn't judge him for his failures.
She would love him.