Chapter 26:Nothing ever really dies
'The more things change. The more they stay the same.'
-Alphonse Karr
Joel wasn't completely at a loss as of what to say. For the first time since he could remember; he didn't have a reaction. His mind was blank. The most difficult part of it all is that he had to do it stone cold sober. He didn't have pills or alcohol giving him courage.
He stared at Tess. He couldn't believe she was real. She was alive. He thought she blew herself up in the Capital. He thought she was bit.
Had she been lying to him? Did that change anything for him? Did it even matter at all?
There were a flurry of emotions within him. Betrayed, sadness, hurt, anger and…confusion. He thought Tess was someone he could trust. She was his partner. She taught him everything. He shared a bed with her. He laid his heart out for her.
He never thought he would feel that way again. He closed himself out. Rebecca. She brought him alive again.
His Becca. She didn't betray him. She was a true partner. She never let him down. She stayed through his recovery. She took his anger. She took care of him.
She made him realize Tess only wanted the version of him inside her head. He couldn't ever be the man she wanted. She needed to lead. It was never equal. It always had to be her way.
Tess looked over Joel's shoulder at Becca and smirked,'Is that your new little toy?'
Becca took offense to that. She stepped up to the much taller woman without fear. She's stood up to worse. True evil. David wasn't much in strength, but he could cut someone down with his words. His mind. That was true brutality.
'Oh fuck you.' Becca shook her head,'You're supposed to be dead anyway.'
Joel leaned back against Becca. He instinctively placed his hand on her thigh comfortingly.
Tess saw the intimacy in his touch. She felt her heart ache. The memory of her spooning up against Joel, slowly sliding her hand up his body. His strong arm grasping her hand in his, pulling it close to his chest.
She felt cherished in those moments. He had been drugged out. His mind was always hazy when they were together. He never acknowledged it in the cold light of day.
He seemed clean and healthy. He gained muscle in the last two years she's seen him. His skin was tanner and glowing. He looked…happy.
The girl beside him was just his type. Pretty little frilly things. He always liked them delicate, but there was something about her. She had a fierceness inside her eyes. It wss something she recognized inside of her. Trauma.
Joel always did like them damaged.
She hated it. This could've been her. Maybe he could've grown to love her. Maybe there was still hope.
Becca wasn't afraid. She wouldn't beg Joel. She wouldn't ask him to choose. She was through with begging men for their devotion. It was a losing battle. She wouldn't fight anymore.
She loved him. She couldn't deny that. She knew he was going to tell her he loved her. Before harsh reality tore it apart. The fantasy crumbled. They couldn't have it all.
She didn't want it all. She just wanted loved and freedom. Simple yet so unattainable.
Joel looked back at Becca. His eyes met her. His face was stoic. His eyes were unreadable. He always did have a hell of a poker face. She's seen him in the throes of passion, ecstasy and raw vulnerability. Yet, he looked at right now as if he didn't even know her.
She stepped back from him. She steeled her gaze. She understood his game. She didn't like it, but she understood it. They protected each other.
Joel grabbed Tess's arm and jerked his head,'We need to fucking talk. Now.'
The tone in his voice left no room for argument. Tess nodded as he looked over his face,'We do.'
Tommy averted his eyes between the two and sighed,'Don't I get a say? This is my fucking property.' He glared at Tess,'My family is here. My town. People's lives.'
There was a fire in Tommy's eyes. One Joel hasn't seen in a long time. It reminded him of the wild twenty year old kid he used to be. The reckless one. The loyal and fierce protector.
'I didn't bring Fireflies here.' She shook her head and sighed,'They're dead and gone.'
Becca and Joel shared a knowing look. The events at the hospital still haunted them. It kept them up at night. Gave them nightmares and panic attacks.
She never told him about the rapes at the hospital. Only Maria and Sharon know what happened. She knew it was something she would have to tell him. She dreaded it, knowing he would feel guilt. She's let go of that burden. She didn't want the past to hurt her.
'I'll shoot you myself.' Becca stood in front of Joel,'How dare you? This is gonna traumatize Ellie?'
Tess's eyes widened incredulously,'Who the hell do you think you are? I spent years with this man. I know him.'
Becca couldn't object to that. It wasn't worth fighting over. She was a woman grown. Her mama always said a man ain't worth fighting over.
Maybe Joel and Tess deserved each other. They were both bull headed. Two peas in a pod.
Becca shook her head and laughed dryly,'Three's a crowd.'
Tommy averted his eyes between Tess and Joel,'Sort this mess out. I don't want this disrupting the town. We'll take care of the means to an end if we have to.'
Tess crossed her arms over her chest,'We don't come to fight.' She nodded towards the man standing beside her,'This is a friend of mine. Kurt. He's a former marine. He helped me…escape.' She met Joel's gaze,'If we could talk in private.'
Joel nodded as he looked over her face. He was still in disbelief she was alive,'Okay.'
He turned to Becca and leaned in close, whispering in her ear so only she could hear,'Nothing changes.'
His lips brushed faintly against her ear. The more things change, the more they stay the same. She remembered that quote from long ago. Maybe she read it in a book. Maybe it was a fleeting memory.
Would all of this with Joel be just that? A fleeting memory? Something that happened so long ago she barely remembered what he looked like.
She stepped away from him and shook her head. Words were hollow. Actions were profound.
Becca walked out of the barn and back over towards Ellie and Lizzie. She would push forward. It only hurts right now. Things will always get better.
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Tommy left the barn. Kurt stepped outside. Joel stared at the man and narrowed his eyes,'Who the fuck is he?'
'Someone who's valuable.' She sighed,'He saved my ass back at the Capital. He…helped me plan my escape.'
Joel placed his hands on his hips,'What the fuck, Tess?' He stared her down as he backed her into the wall. He was gritting his teeth, his nostrils flared. She knew him well. Predatory,'You told me you…you were infected.' He shook his head,'I thought…'
Tears filled her eyes as she cupped his cheek in her hand. Her eyes looked over his face. He was still so handsome. Rugged and masculine. For a brief moment, he had been hers.
'I made a deal with the Fireflies. I…fake my death and help them find…more children like Ellie.' Her eyes widened,'Joel, there's other kids like Ellie. They could-'
He gripped her arms tightly and squeezed her so hard she knew there would be bruises,'No. You take her and I put a bullet through and fuckin GI Joe's head. You touch her and I rip your throat out. You made me think. I was so goddamned guilty about ya dyin.'
Her. She knew who he was referring to. The fierce little redhead. The one who loved him. She could see it in her eyes.
'Do you love me?' Tess's question caught him off guard. He stumbled back from her, shaking his head in disbelief,'How can you ask me something like that after what you've done to me? You lied to me. You betrayed me. You don't get to ask me that.'
'Do you love her?' Tess smirked as she saw him bow his head,'You're such a pussy.'
'Fuck you. He sneered,'You don't get to do this.' He raised his head up to look at her,'I ain't trying to be that man anymore. The dealing, the smuggling and the hard living. I'm getting to be an old man, Tess. I'm…settled here. I got all the things I want here.'
Tess blinked away tears and she shook her head,'Maybe I want the same. I'm a one woman, Joel. My best years are I behind me. We…know each other.' She slid her hands in his and leaned in close to him,'I came to make amends. Let me make amends. We know each other.'
Joel raised his head up to look at her. He leaned in close to her, whispering against his lips.'I ain't out yet, Tess.' He roughly pulled her up against his body.
Tess's eyes widened as she looked over his face. His eyes cut into her like knives,'I got me a woman. That loves me as me. Not some goddamned puppet. Fuck you. Fuck you for trying to take this away from me.'
Ellie barged into the barn with Becca and Tommy following behind her.
Ellie's eyes widened as she stared at Tess in disbelief,'Why were you almost fucking kissing someone that's supposed to be dead?!'
Joel stared up at Ellie in exasperation. She always had the most terrible manners. Judging by the look of anger on Becca's face. Ellie's words once again got him into trouble.
Joel heaved a laborious sighed and pushed Tess away from him,'Go on, fucking tell her. Tell her how you're trying to create an army of super kids who are cure to the virus. Fucking kill them all.'
Genocide. It was the only word to describe him. Tess and Kurt were the last of a dying breed. They clung to a cure while the rest were trying to make the most out of their new normal.
They created happiness here. No one would destroy it. They would kill anyone who tried.
'One night.' Joel lifted his hand up as he glared at her,'I wanna know fucking everything. I wanna know if anyone is tracking ya.' His tone left no room for argument as he jerked his head over at Kurt,'Back that fucker off or I kill him.'
Tess nodded at Kurt,'I'm okay. Go back to camp.'
Joel looked over at Tommy,'We wanna go to this camp.'
Tommy nodded without question or hesitation,'I'll rally up the men. We'll be ready in the morning.' Tommy stared at Tess,'You and Kurt can stay in town. Under close watch.'
Joel bit back a smirk. There was a fire lit under him. He had a family to fight for. A future to protect. For once in his life, he has something to fight for.
Tess shook her head and sighed,'They won't fight you. They're…scientists.'
Ellie's eyes widened in horror. They were the worst of it. She saw it in Joel's eyes. The fear and anger. He would take care of it. He always did.
'In the morning.' Joel whispered with an almost sort of promise.
Tess looked up at him hopelessly, wondering what was going through his mind. She didn't want an ambush. She came in peace.
Tess blinked away tears. She shook her head sadly, whispering,'I thought we were on the same side?'
Joel couldn't help the tears that filled his eyes,'So did I.' He stared at Ellie. She had faith in him. She loved him. He loved her as if she were her own.
He never said the words, but she showed her. She knew it. He would handle it.
Joel noticed Becca was nowhere to be seen. He needed to handle that too. He needed to be a man about things. He either chose her or…this. He was tired of running.
Maria walked into the barn and gently grasped onto Ellie's arm. She brought her out to Lizzie. She wasn't thrilled with the events, but they were prepared for situations like this. They were capable. They would fight.
Tommy and another one of his men took Tess and Kurt away.
Tess looked up at him and laughed,'I never thought Joel Miller would go crawling to a woman.'
Joel crossed his arms over his chest as he steeled his gaze,'Make no mistake. I'm still that man you know. I'll tear that fuckin place down. I ain't runnin to no one. For the first time in my life I ain't runnin, Tess.' His voice cracked with emotion. His southern drawl even deeper,'Ain't no one takin nothin from me again.'
Joel gave one last look at her before he turned away. He thought she was dead. She manipulated him. He refused to have anyone else control him.
Freedom. It's what this was all about. Of choice. He's finally made one for himself.
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Becca was alone at the ranch. She was sitting on the porch. The porch light was off. She didn't want anyone to know she was alone.
Ellie was staying at Lizzie's. She made her stay away. She didn't know if it was safe.
Joel may have decided to partner up with Tess again. They could try and take Ellie back to them. She would be dead before she let that happen.
She had a rifle full of ammunition on her lap and another backup. She was anxious and slightly melancholy. She thought she could be happy. Joel had finally begun to be happy. Everything was looking up. Until it wasn't.
She knew what they had was real. She felt it in her bones. She thought he felt it too. Could the ghost of his past change all that? Had she just been a distraction? Settling would've been the right word for it.
She saw someone walking up the trail. She grabbed her rifle and bolted up from the bench. She stood at the top of the steps, aiming the rifle in front of her. She's been shooting since she was ten. Guns and religion. The handbook of the South.
Her heart hammered in her chest. It was him. Had he come to finish the job he should've back in Silver Lake? She would've been left to burning in that damned building with David. Just to have these fleeting moments of happiness. All for it it to be cruelly taken away from her.
Joel held his hands up when he saw the rifle in her hands,'I come in peace, darlin.'
She cursed inwardly for the way her hands shook as she held the rifle. She was unsteady. He rattled her nerves. She was in love with him.
She gritted her teeth as tears filled her eyes,'I won't let you take Ellie back with them. I won't go back with them. They…they hurt me.'
The images of the blurry memories of being held captive by the Fireflies. They used her body, laughing as they passed her around. Sharon helped her piece the memories together. She thought they had been nightmares at first. She wished they had been.
Tears filled his eyes at her admission. He cautiously took a step closer to her,'I suspected some but I ain't wanna…pry.'
He nodded solemnly as he met her gaze across the barrel of the gun,'Tess asked me to join her tonight. I told her to fuck off. I thought I loved her. I…I thought I loved Esther.' The tears fell down his cheeks as his shoulders shook,'I met you and…I realized I ain't known what it meant. You showed me that. What it's like to love…unconditionally. It scares the shit outta me.' He shook his head,'I didn't have to learn to love ya, Becca.'
He grabbed the barrel of the gun, pressing it firmly between his eyes,'Ya wanna finish the job. Go ahead. I ain't afraid of dying.' His eyes were wide open, raw and unafraid,'I'm afraid of going out in this world with you not knowing that I burn for you. That every time I look at you I fucking come alive all over again. For a long time I felt…hollow. Ellie brought joy into my life. The fatherly love I was missing.' He broke down in sobs,'You…you make me feel like I'm worth something. You look at me like I'm something special. I ain't ever had that before. I'm in love with you. I'm so fuckin in love with you I can't think straight. I love you so damn much it hurts to think about.'
He shrugged as the tears blurred his vision,'So go ahead. Fuckin do it. You know. At least ya know how I felt.'
Becca slowly lowered the gun. She gently placed it on the ground. She wouldn't be killing anyone tonight. He was already down.
She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He sighed in relief as he slumped into her arms. He held her face in his hands as he kissed all over her face. His tears wet her skin, mixed with his own.
'I'm gonna burn them all to hell for what they did to ya.' His words were mumbled against her lips,'Every last one of them.'
Come morning. Him and Tommy would ride. Just like old times. They were fighting one of men's oldest battles. The fight for freedom. For the their futures.
She ran her hands through his hair as she kissed his lips, wet from his tears,'What's happening?'
Promises were set aside. They needed to face reality for a moment. Strategies needed to be made.
'Tess said her and Kurt have a camp about a six hour way from here,'We plan to ride come morning.'
Becca nodded as she cupped the back of his neck,'I'm coming with you.'
'No fuckin way.' He shook his head,'Someone needs to look after Ellie. If we both…' He sighed,'One of us has to make sure we're here for her.'
She sighed as she held his face in her hands,'I could've killed you tonight, but I didn't. You just told me you loved me. I'm not sitting back like some housewife while you fight my battles for me.'
'Housewife.' He leaned back as he carefully studied her for a moment,'Would ya ever…thinking about being a wife again?'
She wouldn't lie. She considered it. After David, the idea of marriage disgusted. It wasn't until recently did she begin to look at Joel and wonder. He was exactly the kind of man her dad wanted her to marry. Someone brave, gentle, strong and loyal. He would love her fiercely. She knew that without a doubt.
'I don't know.' She honestly answered,'Give me some time to think about it.' Her face became serious once again,' This is my fight just as it is yours.'
He nodded as he rested his forehead against hers,'Okay. I…I just want to lay in bed tonight with you and forget about tomorrow and all the fuckin bullshit.'
'We get through this and that's it.' She sighed, whispering,'It's gotta be it.'
He hoped she was right.
They walked back up to the house. They stripped out of their clothes, laying in her bed together as naked as the day they were born. They didn't touch each other sexually. Tonight was just for relishing in the rare moment. Skin to skin.
Her head was resting on his chest. Their arms were wrapped around each other, their limbs tangled together.
He kissed the top of her head, whispering,'When we get back home. I'm gonna take ya up to my bed. I'm gonna lay ya out. Taste every inch of ya. And then I'm gonna know what ya feel like from the inside out. '
She smiled against his skin, reveling in his promising words. My bed. Home. Those words echoed in her head.
She wanted it. She didn't want Tess to take this away. Tomorrow morning would come and they would ride. Back on the road again. This time they actually had a place to call home.