Chapter 42: Secret Journals and Unconscious Bois
-later, when everything is semi back to normal, whatever that means-
Inuyasha: *pokes head out of closet he's been hiding in for the past half hour* Is it safe?
Miroku: *speaking from under the bed* I think so...
Kagome: *lying on the floor surrounded by pocky, chocolate and chocolate covered hot dogs, muttering randomly* Mmmm...don't touch my chocolate...
Miroku: *manages to crawl out from under the bed* I think she's preoccupied, just don't touch any of her food. Wait where's Sango?
Inuyasha: I think I heard her muttering to herself why she had such crazy ass friends as she went to take a shower...what are you doing? I don't think that's a good idea, monk.
Miroku: relax, I'm only making sure she's alright
-A few seconds later...-
Miroku: *laid out on the floor, unconscious, a bump on his head. You could probably see blood dripping from his eyes if you look closely*
Inuyasha: I told you, moron
Kagome: *gets up from the floor hearing Sango storm passed* WHO DIED?! *completely obvious*
Sango: *shuts off the water, grabs a towel from outside the shower, and steps out* oh he'll be alright in a little while. If I wanted to kill him he'd be dead fifty times by now.
Drug Dealer: MY GRAND PAPPI
Rin: WHO ARE YOU?! CAN I KILL YOU?! *grins and pulls out chainsaw*
Kagome: *to the drug dealer* Who are you?
Sango: *shuts the bathroom door, getting dressed inside the bathroom with Miroku still on the floor, hidden from the drug dealer*
Kagome: Rin, go ahead and kill him
Rin: *chainsaw roars, starts laughing like a horrifying doll*
Drug dealer: WAIT, WAIT! I've come here for a reason!
Rin: STATE YOUR BUSINESS
Kagome: NOW, PEASANT!
Drug dealer: I have come to collect the DPBB
Kagome: What the hell is the DPBB
Drug dealer: THE DEFENDER AND PROTECTOR OF BEAUTY AND BOOTY!
Sango: *thinks: something tells me he's talking about Miroku...is this that secret business he's been hiding?*
Kagome: GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CALL FLUFFY!...OR A MYSTICAL BUNNY!
Drug dealer: BUT I NEED TO SEE HIM IMMEDIATELY!
Rin: YOU HAVE TWO SECONDS TO RUN BEFORE YOU ARE TURNED INTO A TWIN!
Kagome: She means it. She's high on sugar and has a chainsaw.
Drug dealer: FINE but this isn't over! Tell my master that if I don't get what I want soon, your little fox brat gets it *somersaults through the window and disappears*
Brunette haired girl: *summersaults through window and looks offended* THAT'S OUR BIT YOU COPY CAT! *jumps out the window with a blonde Sango*
Sango: *slowly opens the bathroom door, this time fully clothed* is he gone?
Rin: He better be...*hisses dangerously, holding her precious chainsaw*
Sango: *drags Miroku out of the bathroom and plops him onto the bed* we need to figure out what's going on
Kagome: *pulls on Sherlock Holmes costume*
Rin: *pulls on Watson costume*
Sango: Does anyone have some kind of spell that would make Miroku talk to us without actually waking up? Like a truth serum or something?
Kagome: I do. I gave Rin a small bottle of it once. I think she used it on Fluffy when he was sleeping.
Sango: great! I'm not even going to question that. I need to figure out what the hell my husband has gotten himself into so we can save Shippo
Kagome: *grabs a small vial from inside her large pile of various things, and proceeds to pour the vials contents down the unconscious monk's throat*
Sango: *whispers* choke
Kagome: *also whispering* Choke on demon cock...
Inuyasha: CHOKE ON WOOD
Kagome: *starts laughing hysterically*
Miroku: *starts groaning*
Kagome: *stops laughing and leans down towards the monk* Miroku...
Miroku: *moans*
Kagome: Miroku, what is your secret business?
Miroku: I...don't...know... *face twitches*
Kagome: *frowns and straightens, looking to her friend* You wanna try or should I let Rin have a go?
Sango: I'll try... *whispers something in Miroku's ear*
Miroku: the secret...is in...the sauce...
Sango: ok this isn't making any sense
Miroku: wait, wait...I remember...
All: *lean in closer*
Miroku: *burps really loud*
Kagome: I'll kill him...
Inuyasha: he's dead now...
Miroku: *slowly opens eyes; kinda terrified* hey...guys...what are you all doing here...standing around me...
Sango: damnit I think the serum wore off
Kagome: *smiles deceptively* Nighty-night! *punches the monk square in the jaw, knocking him out*
Sango: ok that was unnecessary: it wasn't working on him anyways
Kagome: Would you rather I take my frustration out on you?
Sango: no, hit him all you want, I just don't think it'll help
Kagome: It helps me
Inuyasha: helps me too
Rin: *eating candy* mfuhfnhdbhhdjhdhhdj *unintelligible babbling from around candy*
Sango: alright so we'll have to figure this out without my husband's words of wisdom...*glare*
Kagome: wisdom... *snorts*
Sango: so the serum isn't working on him for whatever reason, but your magic hardly ever fails, so either he really is telling the truth somehow, or he's immune to the poison somehow...well he did say the secret was in the sauce...did he mean the serum? But what does that mean? Is he trying to tell us that he's immune to the poison for a reason?
Rin: *mouth full of candy* it's drugs, duh!
Kagome: Maybe he has a barrier around his brain...made out of naughty stuff and condoms
Inuyasha: *lounging in a chair in a corner, chewing on a toothpick* I think you're missing the point; he's obviously the head of a huge drug operation and has built up an immunity to poisons like the one you guys gave him
Kagome: *seething* I'll make something he CAN'T be immune to! *begins cackling evilly*
*dramatic music, large symphony begins to play sinister music*
Yashie: *eyes his wife suspiciously*
Sango: *starts searching through all of Miroku's stuff for that wretched journal of his*
Kagome: *pulls out small journal with blood stains on it* I FOUND IT! *starts to read through, gasps* HEY!
Sango: *grabs it* if anyone's going to expose my husband's dirty secrets it should be me
Kagome: I'VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR THAT PERVERT! *starts kicking him*
Sango: *ignores the abuse while flipping through journal* woah, this is some messed up shit
Kagome: *ignores Sango, still furiously kicking the unconscious monk in the stomach with a deadly glare on her face* I AM GOING TO KILL YOU FOR REAL THIS TIME, FUCKING MONK!
Miroku: *groans and farts*
Kagome: *eye starts to twitch* You useless motherfucker!
Miroku: *groans again and lets out another fart, this time louder and stinkier*
Kagome: WHAT THE HELL
Kagome: FUCKING GROSS, MONK
Sango: Miroku what the fuck is wrong with you? What did you eat?!
Kagome: This is disgusting! *starts to sway, eyes going swirly* Ughh...I don't feel too good
Inuyasha: Monk, you are fucking gross! *hand closed over nose*
Sango: *holding nose furiously but still trying to read the journal* Miroku WHAT THE FUCK
Miroku: *still unconscious*
Miroku: *grunts and turns over*
Sango: Kagome you might wanna look at this...
Kagome: Yashie...I don't feel good... *starting to look green*
Yashie: *grabs a shirt of his, ties it around his wife's nose*
Kagome: *now freed from fart stink* What is it? *eyes Sango curiously*
Sango: *staring wide-eyed at the journal* this...this is big...
Kagome: *narrows eyes* Start talking, taijiya
Sango: apparently Miroku is part of this huge government operation...
Kagome: What kind? The pervert coalition?
Kagome: The Grab-Ass Association?
Inuyasha: *starts laughing*
Sango: no...worse...he's...he's a sex robot...
Kagome:...That's...That's actually not that hard to believe
Inuyasha: Yeah, he IS enough of a fucking lecher
Sango: okay, yeah, maybe that's not so hard to believe, but...*face goes sullen* my husband is a sex robot
Kagome: That explains why he is always wanting to have sex and stuff and grab asses and shit like that...
Sango: *still reading* apparently he wasn't originally a robot but he's been going to secret meetings which install robot parts into his body and...okay what the fuck...I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL HIM
Kagome: Weirdo
Inuyasha: We ALL knew that
Inuyasha: Like, from the beginning
Sango: *looking at miroku's unconscious body* *grins devilishly*
Kagome: *eyes her suspiciously* What're you planning?
Sango: *images of miroku's dead body floating downstream flash through her mind* pfffffft nothing...
Kagome: *unconvinced* Sureeeeeee
Miroku: *wakes up with a jerk, shuddering in fear*
Sango: *comfort mode activated* what is it, darling?
Miroku: I...I just had a vision of my lifeless body floating downstream...
Kagome: *raises eyebrow, staring at Sango expectantly*
Kagome: Really? *fake surprise* Why would ANYONE want to do that to a ginormous lecher like you? *gives of mega huge sarcastic vibes*
Miroku: I...I don't know...*suddenly hugs Sango tightly and presses his face into her boobs* protect me Sango!
Sango: *blushing surprise immediately followed by a look of pure rage*
Kagome: Dead time! *grins really brightly*
Inuyasha: Moron
Sango: *telepathically communicating with kagome* what manner of torture should I use this time?
Kagome: *using weird telepathy shit* Hell if I know. Get creative
Sango: *releases Miroku, smiling sweetly* hey, Miroku, I found something of yours
Kagome: You're dead now~!
Yashie: No shit
Kagome: *glares at her husband* Asshole
Miroku: Oh?
Sango: *holds up journal*
Miroku: *goes pale*
Sango: *grins* indeed
Kagome: *grins as well*
Rin: Can I kill someone now?! *holds chainsaw expectantly*
Kagome: Sure. Kill Miroku
Sango: NO, no, that's my job...uh...go kill that guy over there *points to some random dude who's texting while crossing the street*
Rin: Okay! *runs off, chainsaw roaring loudly*
Random texting dude: *looks up* *screams like a girl and runs away* AIEEEEEEE!
Rin: GET BACK HERE!
Sango: now back to the task at hand...
Miroku: uh...uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...I can explain!
Kagome: Interrogation! *suddenly in her Sherlock Holmes costume again*
Kagome: Start talkin, punk
Miroku: w-well...uhh...
Sango: why didn't you tell me you were a SEX ROBOT?!
Kagome: Spit it out, dumbass!
Miroku: What?! I'm not a sex robot!
Kagome: HORSE SHIT
Sango: This journal of yours says that you're part of a government operation to become a sex robot
Miroku: Wait, wait, no, you've got it all wrong
Kagome: How so, you ugly motherfucker?
Miroku: I'm not a sex robot, they're using me as a model to BUILD a sex robot!
Miroku: And HEY! I am not ugly!
Kagome: That's highly debatable
Miroku: *quietly sobbing, muttering about bitchy, emotionally damaging pregnant friends*
Sango: They're...they're building a sex robot that looks like my husband...
Kagome: Is that legal?
Inuyasha: I don't think so
Kagome: *slowly turns to him* And just how would YOU know about that?
Inuyasha: *stuttering* Uhhh...uhhh
Inuyasha: *looks around in a panic, trying to find a way out of the question*
Sango: Miroku, do you know if Yashie is hiding something?
Kagome: You have til the count of ten to run *glares*
Kagome: One...two...TEN!
Inuyasha: *jumps out the window*
Kagome: *runs out the door following him while screaming* GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! YOU WILL ANSWER MY QUESTIONS YOU USELESS SON OF A BITCH!
Miroku: uhhh...not a thing, dear,,,
Sango: Are you sure?
Miroku: Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft of course I am
Sango: *glares, holding up a knife* are you sure?
Miroku: INUYASHA IS GONNA HAVE A SEX ROBOT TOO
Sango: I FUCKING KNEW IT
-in the distance-
Inuyasha: *screaming like a girl*
Kagome: I WILL KILL YOUR ASS YOU FUCKING HORN DOG
Kagome: *runs back in* WHAT?!
Kagome: *glares and chases Inuyasha again* I DON'T FUCKING SHARE!
Miroku: so, uh, now that that's settled, can I have my journal back?
Sango: *glares* why do you need it back so badly, huh?
Miroku:...No reason...
Sango: I dunno, I find it an interesting read...
Miroku: *whimpers* Please don't
Sango: *starts flipping through pages* well this isn't a surprise
Miroku: *tears pouring down face*
Sango: I'm just seeing a lot of drawings of me naked...and...oh boy...
Miroku: *tears flow faster*
Sango: Is this a drawing of you and Inuyasha's sex robots?
Miroku: *tearfully* Yes, okay?! It's a drawing of his stupid sex robot! And if you want to see, mine is on the next page! *starts sobbing loudly*
Sango: *flips page, seemingly in slow motion*
Miroku: *crying to the sky* MERCIFUL GODS, KILL ME!
Sango: that's my job *stares at the picture* I need to bleach my eyes now
Miroku: *crying even louder* WHY
Sango: oh just wait until Kagome sees this
Miroku: *gasps* NO! *grabs Sango by the legs, clinging desperately* PLEASE! PLEASE DO NOT LET HER SEE THIS
Sango: oh? *raises an eyebrow* and how will you stop me?
Miroku: *kisses her*
Sango: well...well shit...
Miroku: *breaks away and gives Sango the most innocent, heartbreakingly cute, puppy-dog-eyed look* Please?
Sango: hmm...I dunno...
Miroku: *more puppy-dog-eyed looks*
Sango: *looks deeply into his eyes* damnit why do I love you...
Miroku: *gives a Tamaki-dog look* Ruff!
Sango: okay, no, what the fuck
Miroku: *whines*
Sango: are you a fucking dog?
Miroku: *starts scratching his ear with his foot...somehow*
Sango: Okay something is obviously fucking wrong, where the hell is Kagome
Rin: *comes back, panting, chainsaw covered in blood* She's chasing Uncle Yashie around a nearby park...
Sango: do you have a spell that'll turn my husband back into a normal-okay, scratch that, into his normal self
Rin: Yeah, but Auntie Kagome has it right now...
Sango: do you have a spell that'll get her the fuck back here?
Rin: Uhhhh...*looks through her bag spotted with blood* Yes, I do
Miroku: *panting excitedly*
Sango: please fucking use it
Rin: *smashes potion to the ground*
Potion: *starts smoking*
Kagome: *appears from the smoke, holding a bloodied Inuyasha*
Kagome: What the fuck
Inuyasha: Owee
Kagome: Shut it, you
Sango: what the fuck happened to my husband
Kagome: How should I know?
Sango: well Rin says you have the potion that'll fix him
Kagome: *blinks for a second before understanding* Ohhh, that thing!
Kagome: *yanks potion bottle out of her bra and chucks it at Miroku, orange liquid spraying all over him*
Miroku: *covered in orange liquid* *coughs* W-What is this?
Sango: Oh thank god...
Kagome: *not amused* *standing impatiently* Uhm, HELLO?!
Sango: What?
Kagome: *outraged* A FUCKING THANK YOU WOULD BE NICE! *goes off on a tangent* BUT NOOOOO! MUSN'T THANK THE PREGNANT BITCH WHO YOU PEOPLE SUMMONED WHILE I WAS MURDERING MY HUSBAND BECAUSE YOURS WAS A FUCKING DOG!
Panda: ((*thinks to herself* YOUR HUSBAND IS LITERALLY HALF DOG
Sango: anyways, look what I found in the journal Kagome
Kagome: DON'T YOU FUCKING IGNORE ME YOU FUCKING SLAYER BITCH
Sango: BUT LOOK *shoves drawing of Inuyasha's sex robot in her face*
Kagome: *blinks* *slowly comes out of her rage*
Kagome: *whispering* Are those selling yet?
Yashie: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!
Sango: it doesn't say anything in here about them being for sale...
Kagome: IT MEANS THAT I STILL WANT SEXY TIME EVEN WHEN I'M PISSED OFF AT YOU
Miroku: You know there is such a thing as angry sex right?
Kagome: *freezes*
Kagome: *slowly* pffffttttttt, yeah
Miroku, well, now that we're clear on the fact that Kagome is a sex-crazed freak...
Kagome: *starts killing Miroku instead*
Sango: *eye roll* I thought you would've learned to keep your mouth shut by now
Sango: anyways, wanna see Miroku's sex robot?
Kagome: Gross, hell no
Miroku: So hurtful
Sango: suit yourself, I'll just keep this to myself then...
Inuyasha: Yeah that's fucking gross man
Inuyasha: Also, that's my mate, so, HANDS THE FUCK OFF PERVERT
Miroku: *slowly slides hand away from Kagome's rear end*
Sango: *head turns to miroku with a death glare*
Miroku: *starts sweating*
Sango: *somehow glares harder*
Miroku: *hyperventilates* *passes out*
Sango: goddamnit that idiot knows I won't torture him if he's uncoscious...I'll just wait until he comes back...
Kagome: I will! *ties Miroku upside down to the ceiling somehow and starts putting makeup on his face and shit and generally doing what a crazy prego woman would*
Sango: Kagome quit defiling my husband and let's go find our husbands' sex robots
Kagome: *all chipper* Kay!
(to be continued)