Chapter 44: PARIS IS OVERRATED
-this leaves off where the crew is interrogating the drug dealer who turns out to be Shippo in disguise-
Shippo: *starts crying again* I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T HAVE RUN OFF, WAAAAAAAH
Kagome: STOP SHOUTING GOD DAMNIT
Yashie: *silently watching his volatile wife from the sidelines*
Shippo: *sniffles and displays puppy dog eyes*
Kagome: No! That is not working on me! I am the master of puppy dog eyes! FEAR ME!
Shippo: *starts wailing again*
Kagome: *eyes turn all glossy and her lower lip juts out in a cute pout*
Shippo: *starts screaming at the top of his lungs*
Kagome: ENOUGH
Kagome: YOU'RE FIFTY YEARS OLD, STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD
Shippo: okay but what do adults do?
Miroku: I think I have some ideas on that...
Kagome: For one, normal adults don't scream
Kagome: Also, Miroku?
Sango: *laughs and mutters* normal adults...I'm unfamiliar with the concept
Yashie: What is this 'normal' you speak of?
Miroku: well, adults do a lot of things—*gets hit in the head*
Kagome: Miroku? *sickeningly sweet voice*
Miroku: Owwww, Sango, what'd you do that for?
Sango: it wasn't me...
Miroku: then who was it?
Kagome: It was me
Kagome: I don't care that I just lectured Shippo on growing up, you WILL hold your tongue
around him
Kagome: Or so help me, you will be missing some appendages
Miroku: May I ask which appendages?
Kagome: Your hands and one you need to reproduce
Sango: uhh, Kagome...I kinda need that
Kagome: I don't care. Control your husband, or he WILL bleed. *eyes turn into portals to hell*
Miroku: and it's not like you were using it anyways...
Sango: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Kagome: WHAT DID I JUST SAY MONK?!
Miroku: uhh, nothing my lovely Sango, nothing to worry about
Miroku: and no need to resort to violence my dear Kagome
Kagome: I'm not your anything, lecher
Kagome: Keep that mouth of yours shut around my son or else I'll cut out your tongue
Miroku: *looks into her eyes* I'm not your anything
Kagome: *eyes narrow* I never said you were. Don't make me call Yashie. I could kill you with
your own tinker as easily as he could
-dialogue with Sango contemplating molesting Miroku as he sleeps, while Kagome argues with
Shippo on bedtime while threatening her husband with the dildo, add in candy bribery and stir
well until smooth. Serve hot-
-skipping over random dialogue because Fire was talking to Panda and her sister at the same
time, along with wondering where her sock was and then saying that it fell into Naraku's asshole
which is apparently a void-
Narrator: TIME SKIP! Miroku was not molested by Sango and now he's awake, and they're all
trying to figure out what to do next! ACTION!
Kagome: *silently stares at her son and her husband who woke up after she knocked him out
with a frying pan like in Tangled and has put makeup on his face* Sooooo...what do we do
now?
Miroku: Is the nightmare finally over?
Kagome: SHUT THE FUCK UP MIROKU
Shippo: *silently eating candy, watching the adults argue back and forth*
Sango: *pets Miroku's hair like a cat* shhh, shhh, it's okay, just be quiet, don't anger her
Yashie: Love, does this seem like an unusually long vacation to you?
Kagome: Yeah, you're right. Paris is overrated, let's get the fuck out.
Sango: Kagome, when do those tickets you won say the trip is over?
Kagome: *checks email* Uhh...tonight
Sango: SHIT WHEN DOES THE FLIGHT LEAVE
Kagome: Uhm...seven? This evening by the way.
Sango: and what time is it now?
Yashie: My love knows you will freak out so she specified when it would leave. Also, it's three
o'clock in the afternoon.
Kagome: What he said.
Shippo: Can you untie me now?
Yashie: The adults are talking, son
Shippo: I'M FIFTY YEARS OLD WHAT THE FUCK
Kagome: WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE
Miroku: um, guys, we should probably go pack now...you can never get to the airport too early
Kagome: I will throw you out of the plane if you test me
Kagome: Also, I put together a spare bag just in case they lost your luggage YET AGAIN. Here.
*chucks a duffle bag at Sango's face*
Yashie: I never knew you could be passive aggressive, darling.
Kagome: Well now ya do. The more you know.
Sango: Kagome, can I speak to you for a moment alone?
Kagome: Sure, why not?
Sango: *drags her off to the side*
Sango: *whisper yells* I lost my luggage on purpose
Kagome: Why
Sango:...I wanted to wear Miroku's clothes
Kagome: But he's a dirty pervert.
Sango: HE'S MY HUSBAND
Kagome: I'll show you. Just put a blacklight on his fucking clothes.
Sango: THAT'S GROSS, KAGOME he doesn't do that anymore
Kagome: Doesn't mean it's not still there
Sango: if there is any, I bet it's his own
Kagome: Gross
Sango: actually, no, he's a neat-freak, so I'm sure his clothes are fine
Kagome: Check the bathroom
Sango: why?
Kagome: If not his clothes, something else
Sango: his clothes are fine, and I want to wear them
Kagome: Fine then. *lights match deadpan*
Sango: what are you doing with that?
Kagome: Playing Thanksgiving,
Sango:...what?
Kagome: *gives devilish grin; sets duffle bag on fire*
-bypassing unnecessary commentary between Panda and Fire, about fire and Wednesday
Addams from Addams Family Values and the summer camp scene-
Sango: I see...
Miroku: Guys we should really get to the airport…
Sango: I'm sure we have plenty of time…
Shippo: Not with Kagome becoming Wednesday Addams over here *points to Kagome who is watching the burning duffel bag with a large, psychotic grin*
Sango: *glares at Inuyasha* control your fucking wife or I will
Yashie: I cannot do anything to her, I refuse to
Sango: *glares at Kagome* I swear to FUCK I will kick your ass back to Japan if you don't get ready to go
Rin: I can. *chucks bottle filled with purple liquid at Kagome...PURPLE*
Miroku: well that seemed to have done the trick...no ass-kicking required
Sango: *mumbles* unfortunately
Yashie: *picks Kagome up bridal style* I will pack up our bags and meet you three in the lobby.
Narrator: Rin disappeared after she threw the bottle. She's currently trying to murder an old woman who called her a hooligan!
Sango: what time does our flight leave?
Miroku: Uhh, still seven
Sango: and what time is it now?
Miroku:...four thirty?
Sango: THEN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUSH ME
Miroku: YOU CAN NEVER GET TO THE AIRPORT TOO EARLY
Miroku: GETTING THROUGH SECURITY ALONE IS LIKE TRYING TO GET RID OF A DRAG QUEEN WHO WANTS YOUR MANMEAT
Sango: I SUPPOSE YOU WOULD KNOW HOW THAT FEELS
Miroku: YES, I ACTUALLY DO
Miroku: AND IT IS NOT A GREAT FEELING
Miroku: I'd enjoy it if you wanted my manmeat though, dearest Sango. *kisses her cheek*
Sango: OH RIGHT SILLY ME I FORGOT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS—*caught off guard and blushes*
Miroku: *thinking* I CAUGHT HER OFF GUARD ASDFGHJKL
Sango: wha-HEY WAIT A MINUTE I-fuck *cant remember what she was going to say*
Miroku: Has my words of your beauty and my inability to stay away from you rendered you speechless, my love?
Sango: *crosses arms* no…
Shippo: *whispering* Tsundere~
Sango: let's just get to the airport…
Narrator: At the airport!
Sango: these lines are way too fucking long…
Miroku: EVERYONE MAKE WAY FOR MY LOVELY WIFE AND HER PSYCHOTIC FRIEND AND HER HUSBAND
Sango: thanks love *marches onward, her crazy friends following*
Kagome: Pugsley if you don't shut up, I will light you on fire. Or I will electrocute you.
Sango: who the everloving fuck is Pugsley. And Kagome you cannot bring matches into the airport they will stop you
Kagome: *stuffs matches down her panties*
Sango: Kagome. They're going to stop you.
Kagome: *stuffs more matches in her bra*
Sango: THEY WON'T LET YOU ON THE PLANE
Shippo: I don't really think she cares
Sango: then we'll just go home without her
Shippo: She'd probably blow the plane up anyway
Miroku: I'm all for leaving Kagome in Paris, if anyone was wondering
Yashie: I am not
Kagome: Fight me magic man
Sango: now she's stealing my fucking lines?! KAGOME I SWEAR TO FUCK I'LL JUST LEAVE BOTH OF YOU HERE
Kagome: Where's magic man?
Yashie: Magic mike?
Sango: *veins popping out behind her bangs*
Miroku: dear, look, the line is progressing, let's move up…
Kagome: I need a vase
Yashie: We need to get our luggage onto the plane, dear
Kagome: Kiss my ass
Yashie: When and where
Shippo: Gross
Miroku: First off; wow Yash. Second; gross
Sango: *nervously puts carry-on luggage on the conveyor belt and glares back at Kagome*
Kagome: Are you glaring at me because I'm getting action and you aren't, mother?
Sango: Ha! I could be getting twice the action you are! My husband is MIROKU
Kagome: And yet you still have yet to have any big O
Shippo: What's big O?
Kagome: Nevermind
Miroku: yeah, Sango, why aren't we getting it on exactly?
Kagome: Because you won't let him do anything
Miroku: yes but why is that? I'm curious…
Sango: SHUT UP AND PUT YOUR LUGGAGE ON THE THINGY
Sango: oh god Kagome is about to go through security…
Kagome: *walks through*
Security guy: *waves wand thingy over her*
Kagome: I like trains
Shippo: Fuck
Sango: *aggressive facepalm*
Miroku: does no one care that Shippo cusses like a sailor nowadays?
Yashie: I apologize sir, she has the mentality of a child and changes who she thinks she is everyday. Yesterday she was Wednesday Addams
Sango: can we just keep moving please...Miroku what time is it?
Kagome: Where's Flynn?! I need to heal his hand with my magic hands! *shows glowing hands*
Miroku: we have about an hour and a half…
Sango: and is Kagome gonna get through security?
Kagome: See?! *shoves glowing hand in security guy's face* I need to heal Flynn, he got hurt!
Yashie: Again, I apologize
Security dude: *moves Kagome's hand off his face* Just make sure she doesn't cause a scene on the plane. Go.
Sango: then,,,ONWARD CADETS
Kagome: MARCH
Miroku: okay we have a little time before the flight does anyone want snacks?
Kagome: I want Peeps
Miroku: it's not Easter...this is Paris...Kagome, that's impossible
Kagome: Animal crackers
Miroku: okay that's a little more reasonable…
Shippo: *nonchalantly walks out of a store holding a tub of animal crackers and downs the entire thing in one gulp*
Kagome: *cracks her knuckles* Serenade my candy ass,
C'mon!
Shippo: *blinks, mouth full* oh did you want some? Sorry, I bought the last one
Kagome: *buys a bag of veggies and stuffs them in Shippo's mouth*
Shippo: whining and crying in the background
Sango: where did she learn this form of punishment?
Miroku: I believe this is the ancient art of adults being children
Sango: *nods sophisticatedly* that makes sense
Kagome: Turn that shitty knife into a titty knife
Miroku: did someone say titty?
Sango: did someone say KNIFE
Kagome: Shitty knife and titty knife
Sango: wait do you have a knife on you?
Kagome: *pulls knife out of her bra*
Sango: put that thing away!
Miroku: *grumbles* that's what she, unfortunately, said
Kagome: *slides knife back in bra*
Sango: this is gonna be a long fucking flight…
Miroku: wait, aren't pregnant women not supposed to fly?
Kagome: I make the rules
Sango: who knows, Miroku, maybe we'll die
Random woman: *screams at the top of her lungs and points to Kagome*
Someone wearing a cloak: *cocks gun and puts it against Kagome's head* get on the fucking ground
-TBC-