Chapter 34: Daybreak
'Grief is the price we pay for love.'
-Queen Elizabeth II
She followed him for an entire week. He would mumble some excuse and leave the house, riding out of the barn with Dusty. Sometimes he would wait until he thought she was asleep. It killed her knowing he was grieving on his own. She was here to support him as he's done for her. Why wouldn't he let her do the same for him?
She would wait a few minutes before grabbing Sadie and following after him. He never heard her following him. It was the only time she was grateful for his deafness.
Every night, he would go to their grave. He would sit with a flask of whiskey and get drunk. He would start rambling nonsense of the way things used to be. Things he wanted to say to them, but never could.
She would sit behind the brush and just listen to him. He would sit there drinking from his flask, getting drunker and drunker so time went on.
He started slurring his words as he stumbled on his knees. He placed his hands in the mound of dirt. He started clawing at it. It was almost like he wanted to get in there to join them.
He fooled everyone into thinking he was okay. No one called his bluff. Not even Tommy. They assumed he didn't want to talk about it. He told everyone he was fine. He wasn't though. Not by a long shot. She didn't like the fact he suffered in silence. Did he think she wasn't good enough to support him? Or is it because she killed someone who was very important to him?
He placed the empty flask down as hung his head low, 'I know you're there.' He sighed and shook his head,'You ain't fooling no one.'
Her eyes widened and she took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves. He might think she's blame. In his drunken state. He may want to take vengeance on her. She trusted him implicitly. She didn't trust the drunk Joel.
She stepped out of the brush and dusted her pants off. She chewed on her bottom lip nervously as she walked over to him,'How long have you known I was here?'
He shrugged as he tripped over the mound of dirt. He caught his fall and plopped down on the grass,'Since Thanksgiving.'
He looked up at her, seeing the look of confusion on her face and hurt. He hurt her and it killed him.
'Why didn't you say anything?' She frowned and shook her head,'I wouldn't have cared if you did this. I think it was a beautiful gesture.'
He saw the earnest look in her face and he hated himself even more,'I needed to do this. They deserved it.' He turned to their grave as he placed his hand on the cross,'I wouldn't have been able to do it, Becca.' He shook his head as he bit back tears,'I couldn't have. She was the mother of my child.' He winced as the tears fell down her face,'I didn't…'
He shook his head as he broke down into sobs. She looked up at him as tears filled her eyes. He resented her. It's been her worst fear since they've left the military base. She killed someone who was very important to him. There's nothing she can do to take it back. She didn't want to anyway.
'I'm sorry.' She whispered shakily,'I…I can't even imagine what it's like for you. I can't sympathize with losing a child let alone two, but I know what loss is.'
He laughed sardonically as he glanced over at her,'You don't know what loss is, sweetheart. You live in a fucking dream world.'
Her eyes widened incredulously and then she remembered he was a mean drunk. She expected him to have a relapse. Just not at her expense.
'I know what loss is, Joel. I've lost everyone I loved. Everyone who's important to me. I lost everything. Don't you dare there and tell me I don't know what loss means. The world doesn't revolve around.' She shook her head,'I killed Tess. I did. There's nothing I can do to change it. You wanna know something? I don't want to. She deserved to die after what she did to me. To you. Ellie and all those kids. She would've never left us alone. You know that.'
He closed his eyes and sighed. He did know that. He didn't want to take things out on her or make her feel guilty for what needed to be done. He just wished she didn't have to do it.
He covered his face with his hands and sighed into them,'I fucked up. I swore I wouldn't drink again and I did. I can't do this anymore.'
She wanted to reach out and hold him, but he was tense and keyed up. She want to scare him away. She didn't know how to help him. There wasn't anything she could do for him anyway. He needed to sort this out himself.
'I never wanted the kid.' He whispered admittedly,'She wanted him. She lost her son to the outbreak only to lose another son in the same fucking way. After I burned him, I kept some of his ashes. Tess too.' He shrugged,'I figured they'd want to be together.'
She noticed he buried them not too far from the lake. They would able to see their grave from the house he was building. It didn't unnerve her like she thought it would. It comforted him to have them close. She wouldn't dare take that away from him.
She scooted closer to him and carefully placed her hand on his leg,'It's okay to love them. You can love Tess. You can love William. No one will fault you for that. I would be concerned if you didn't love them.'
He reached into his back pocket and took out a photo, handing it over to her. She looked down at it, seeing a tall dark haired young man. He was dressed in a Firefly uniform. He stood next to Joel, looking like a proud father as the two posed with their rifles. War propaganda at its finest.'
'He looked like your twin.' She gave him a small smile,'He was a very handsome young man.' She stared at the photo and nodded,'We should hang this up in the house.'
He tore the photo out of her hand and slid it back into his jeans,'We ain't putting anything up. It's no one's fucking business.' He sighed,'I showed it to you because this was the last photo we took together. The only thing I have left to prove he was real.'
'He's real no matter what.' She stared at the cross, sighing to herself,'You beat yourself up too much.'
'You don't at all.' He spat out and pulled himself up from the ground,'You like to sweep things under the rug and pretend like they never happened. You sit up there on your high horse thinking you're better than me because you went to college. You were born with a silver spoon shoved in your goddamned mouth. You don't know what it's like to struggle. You live a cushioned life. The outbreak should be nothing for a pretty girl like you. All you have to do is spread your legs and they'll give you anything you want.' He waved around in front of him,'Look at everything you have now. You really think I would've brought you here if you weren't a hot piece of ass?'
She shook her head in disbelief. He was sad and taking it out on her. She didn't deserve that. Not after everything they've promised each other. All the things they said to one another. He was going to ruin them for absolutely nothing other than fear. She was tired of being patient.
She placed her hands on his chest and pushed him to the ground. He fell backwards into the dirt, his legs falling over him. He leaned back on his elbows as he watched her walk away from him.
He scurried up off the ground as he stumbled forward. He's gotten himself good and drunk. It got him in trouble too. He was always a nasty drunk. It's probably why most of his relationships ended badly. This was looking to be another yet failed relationship to add to the laundry list of things that keep him up at night.
He chased after as she made her way to Sadie. He grabbed her arm and yanked her back against her chest. He leaned down, whispering in her ear,'You been playing the good little girl act for far too long, sweetheart. You knew exactly what you were doing come here, didn't you? Is that you were so chummy with Matt, hmm? If this didn't work out you'd always have a fall guy. You could've been a peacekeeper's whore rather than a Firefly.' He narrowed his eyes down at her,'It kills you doesn't it? To know you fell in love with a Firefly. You hitched yourself to another broken man that can't even give you the respect of fucking you.'
She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face. He was hurting and he wanted her to hurt too. He was getting back at her for killing Tess. She always knew it would happen sooner or later. The day he finally realized she wasn't worth the effort. She wouldn't let this ruin her confidence. The drunk tongue speaks what the sober mind is afraid to say. Is this how he really feels about her?
He nuzzled against her neck as she felt her body involuntarily responding to him,'You killed her because she was a threat to you. You took one look at Tess and that brain in your pretty little head of yours couldn't contemplate it. You couldn't take knowing she felt me inside her.'
'Enough.' She whispered shakily,'It's enough. Stop it.'
He narrowed his eyes as he stepped back from her,'I'll tell you when it's enough. You don't get to tell me when it's enough.'
She turned around to face him and shook her head,'You don't get to do this. You don't get to hurt me and ruin us because you're drunk. Are you taking pills too?'
His eyes widened and he shook his head,'No.Fuck no. I haven't touched them in months.' He raised his eyes to stare directly at her, 'You're gonna leave me now, huh? You gonna move out?'
The vulnerable and gentle look in his eyes almost did her in, but she would remain defiant. She couldn't let him talk any way he wanted to tell and excuse it as being drunk. He needed to take responsibility for his words and actions.
'No.' She sighed, 'What we're gonna do is take you to the hospital because you relapsed. I can't handle you back at the house myself. It's not fair to Ellie or Tommy either. You need serious help, Joel.'
He stared at her blankly and shook his head,'Why do you keep trying to fix me? You can't save me.'
She frowned as she took a step closer to him,'I don't want to save you. I just want to help you.' She stared up at him and shook her head,'I don't get it. You're giving everything you've ever wanted and it's still not good enough for you. Nothing is ever enough. Not Ellie, Jackson, the ranch, me. None of it fucking matters because you're so stuck in the past. The mistakes you've made, the horrible things you've done.' She sighed,'None of that matters anymore, Joel. We matter. For the last week, I've watched you grieve alone. You don't have to do that anymore.'
'You ever stop to think it's how I want it?' He growled as he stared down at the grave in disdain,'You were right. I wouldn't have been able to kill her myself. It took everything in me to leave her at the Capital. She wasn't always like that. She had good in her.' He swallowed harshly as he looked up at the night sky,'She asked me to leave with her. She told things would be different. Better. I couldn't leave. I didn't want to leave because it meant leaving you and Ellie behind. When you killed her, I felt relieved because I didn't have to make a choice.'
She nodded as she felt the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.'I'm sorry to you that I killed her.' She shook her head,'I'm not sorry for anything else.'
He let out a dry laugh and nodded,'I didn't think you would be.'
'You want to know why I'm not?' She crossed her arms over her chest,'I'm not sorry because she wanted to take everything away from me that I love. She beat the shit out of me. I swore if I got out of that room, I would kill her. I felt so angry for her coming here. She didn't have the right. Not when we've worked so hard for this. Everything we've been through. Just for some fucking woman to rise from the dead and lay stake to what? A claim? Her man? You're not property or sone prize to be won. I didn't survive all this shit just for you to say it meant nothing.' She took a deep breath as tears filled her eyes,'This is the last time you treat me this way, Joel Miller. You don't get to decide when it's over. Not everything is your choice. You wanna stay here and drink yourself on their grave? Be my guest. I'm heading back home. You want to be alone? You got it.'
She gave one last look at him before she walked over to Sadie. She climbed onto her horse and rode back to their ranch. She cried to herself as the wind whipped against her face. She wouldn't leave him. She wasn't a quitter. Besides, she lived with him. Her apartment was already given away. She would look foolish asking for another one. She refused to look like a clown because of him.
She put Sadie up and walked to the house. She walked upstairs and stopped by Ellie's bedroom. She was sleeping soundly.
She walked into her room and crawled into next to her. She didn't want to be alone right now. She didn't want go to the guest bedroom or their room. She didn't even know if he wanted her there anymore.
She gingerly pulled the covers up over her as not to wake Ellie. She knew come morning she would have questions. She would wonder why she wasn't sleeping in the bed with him. She wished she had a good enough answer.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Ellie noticed Becca had been quiet at breakfast. She was usually chatty, upbeat and in a good mood. She didn't seem like any of that today. There were heavy bags under her eyes. Her lips were pursed and her body seemed tense.
Ellie looked up from her breakfast, looking over at her warily,'Did you and Joel have a fight?'
'Yes.' She would never lie to her. She would figure it out anyway,'He relapsed last night. He went to the hospital to see Sharon.'
Ellie nodded slowly as the pushed the scrambled eggs around on her plate,'I've read that relapses happen and are usually common in ninety five percent of cases.'
Becca smiled. Her girl was smart as whip. She was a bookworm, much like her and Joel. Without the internet or television, all they had left were books.
'You're absolutely correct.' She nodded,'This was just only one relapse. At least that's what he told me anyway. He told me he hasn't taken any pills. I scoured the house this morning and didn't find anything.'
Ellie nodded as she placed her fork on her plate. Her appetite was gone,'Did you and Joel break up?
She shook her head and sighed,'I don't know. I don't think so, but he said a lot of awful things. I don't know if he meant them, but I still don't condone being treated that way. The person you're with should always build you up. Not being you down. You never settle for anything less.'
They both heard the door slam closed. They stared at each other, on high alert as the doorsteps got closer. Ellie sighed in relief. Becca felt a sense of dread. It was difficult to hide from someone in the cold light of day.
Becca looked up at him. He was freshly showered and his clothes were changed from the night before. He didn't come home last night. She wondered where he got cleaned up. Then again, there were some things best not knowing.
Ellie leaned back in the air and stared up at him,'I heard you fell off the wagon again.'
'Elizabeth!' Becca sighed as the teenager smirked,'Be respectful.'
Ellie rolled her eyes and shook her head,'That was me being respectful. I could've said he was a stupid asshat for fucking up with you. Again. And also for drinking because he doesn't know how to process emotions like human beings.'
Becca shook her head and sighed exasperatingly,'Time for school, young lady.'
Ellie rolled her eyes again as she got up from her chair. She walked past Joel, patting him on his back,'Good luck, sport.'
Joel narrowed his eyes as he crossed his arms over his chest. She was such a little shit sometimes. She was right about everything though. As always. He was a coward.
Ellie walked out of the kitchen, leaving the two of them alone together. She loved when it was just the two of them. She dreaded it in this moment.
She nodded towards the stove, averting her gaze away from him,'There's some coffee and eggs if you're hungry. I don't know if you've eaten yet.'
'I went to the hospital.' He cleared his throat,'I thought Sharon would be pissed as shit for me drinking again, but she actually expected.' He rolled his eyes,'She gave me some speech about being brave.'
She gave him a small smile and nodded,'That sounds like her alright.'
She was being distant with him and he wanted to stab his eyes out. He hated he was destroying them and her. They were making good progress. They were finally starting to have a stable relationship. That's until Tess came and fucked it all up. He couldn't let Tess take the full blame. He chose to drink again. No one put a gun to his head and forced him to do anything.
He shoved his hands to the front pockets of his jeans,'She gave me sone medicine that'll help with the withdrawals and…I had a session with my therapist this morning. I need to start attending more meanings. I can't fucking do this on my own. I'm admitting that.
She thought about the terrible things he said to her the night before. They ran through her head over and over again. She knew he was drunk and didn't mean what he said, but it hurt her. She was tired of him using her as a punching bag.
Joel stared at her, waiting for her to say something. Anything. She didn't. She just sat there staring at him. She didn't even seem upset. Was this the point where she finally stopped caring about him? It was bound to happen sooner or later.
She averted her eyes downward and sighed shakily, whispering,'You said some really fucked up shit to me last night, Joel. It was completely out of line.'
He sighed as he walked over to her. Her eyes widened as he dropped down onto his knees in front of her. He placed his hands on her legs, looking up at her desperately, 'What did I say? I don't remember anything about last night. Please tell me what I said.' His tone was pleading as he gripped her thighs,'I can't fix it if I don't know what I said.'
She took a deep breath and recounted all the things he said to her the night before. Once she was finished, he bowed his head and she heard him sniffling softly. His body started shaking and heaving.
He laid his head in her lap as he wrapped his arms around her waist,'I'm so fuckin sorry. I didn't mean any of it. I swear to you that I didn't mean it. I'm gonna go to all my meetings. I'm gonna listen to Sharon. I'll go to my therapist appointments. I'll get sober again.'
Her hand hovered over his head. She slowly sank her hand into his hair and leaned back against the chair, looking down at him,'Don't just get help for me. You have to want it for yourself too.'
'I do want it. I'm sorry I didn't tell about their…grave. After I…I kept some of their ashes. I made a promise when I got back home I would bury them together.' He snorted,'I kept my fucking son's ashes for four years. There's something wrong with me, Becca.'
She sighed and shook her head,'Before the outbreak, people were cremated all the time. It's no difference. We don't have funeral parlors anymore. We make our graves where we see fit. I think it's a beautiful thing where you buried them. When our house is built, you'll be able to visit them whenever you'd like.'
He lifted his head up from her lap as he looked up at her,'You still want that?' He frowned,'Even after what I said? For relapsing?'
'We don't give up the ones we love just because they make a mistake, Joel.' She shook her head,'Just because I'm angry doesn't mean I'll leave. You need to get it out of your head I'm gonna leave. I haven't left yet.'
He tightened his arms around her as he laid his head back on her chest,'I really didn't mean all of that shit last night. You know that right? I don't think you're any of those things.'
'I can't help the way I look.' She shook her head,'I can control the way people treat me. Maybe look at me more of a partner than just someone you need to protect. I've saved your ass how many times now? I would think I'd at least be delegated to a sidekick at this point.'
'Ellie reserved that role.' He smirked as he nuzzled into her lap,'You are my partner, Becca. In every sense of the word.'
'Then start treating me like one.' She frowned,'Talk is cheap.
He sighed softly as he gently scratched his scalp,'I remember you telling me that when we first met. That's almost three years ago. We've known each other a long time, baby girl.'
'In this day and age?' She snorted,'That's forever compared to the average lifespan nowadays.' She looked up at the clock and sighed,'I gotta go to work.'
He frowned as he got up from the floor. He wanted to carry her up to their room and lock the door. He wanted to disappear with her for a few days. They could be tangled in the sheets and each other.
He made a silent vow to himself. When he got his shit together he was going to do just that. They could set up camp at their lake for a few days. They could spend their days planning and mapping out their home. They could swim and fish. At night they would lose themselves in each other. They could be as loud as they wanted. He would make good on that promise.
She got up from her chair and she grabbed her bag, giving him a small smile,'I'm gonna take Ellie to school. What are your plans for today?'
'Sharon wants to me to have outpatient therapy.' He sighed,'I didn't want to stay for three days. It was bad enough I had to stay in there for my heart attack. I don't want to be back in there if I could help it.'
She nodded, knowing him nor Ellie were fond of hospitals,'That's a good treatment plan for you.'
He let out a dry laugh as he followed her out of the kitchen,'Something's gotta work sooner or later.'
Ellie came walking downstairs, book bag over her shoulders and her trademark scowl. She hated school. Mostly because she was so smart. She found it boring because it wasn't challenging enough for her.
Ellie averted her eyes between them and rolled her eyes, 'Did you two kiss and make up?'
Becca placed her hand on her back as she led her out the door,'I'm still here, aren't I?'
Ellie figured it was a sufficient enough answer and shrugged her shoulders. Joel walked them out. Ellie ran to the barn to get Sadie. One of her favorite things to do was be with the horses. Joel taught her how to ride. She was a natural on the horse and Sadie really seemed to take a shine to her.
He looked over at her, quietly studying her. She was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. Her physical appearance was just a bonus. She encompassed so much strength. She had a large capacity to love. Any other woman would've considered him too much work and given up on him by now. She didn't leave. She promised him she would stay.
He chewed on his bottom lip as he idly kicked a rock around on the ground,'Can I pick ya up from work tonight. So we can talk. We could walk back. It would give us some to talk.'
She nodded and gave him a small smile,'I would like that. You're right though. We do need to talk.'
Ellie came riding down the trail on Sadie. Becca let her eyes linger on him for a moment. She saw him looking at her mouth. She knew he wanted to kiss her. She wanted to kiss him too. It wouldn't fix anything. It might make things even worse. He needed focus on his sobriety. He wouldn't be good to anyone if he drunk and high all the time.
She leaned up and settled for kissing him on the cheek,'I get off at six.'
He nodded as he looked over her face,'I'll be there.'
'I know you will.' She smirked as she walked backwards,'For the record though? I like sober Joel much better.'
He laughed and shook his head,'Sober Joel gets the girl, huh?'
'Always.' She grinned,'Every single time. So you better keep it up. This is only just a setback.'
Ellie made faux wrenching sounds behind them. She stuck her fingers in her throat,'Stop subjecting me to your lovey dovey bullshit.'
Becca laughed as she climbed onto the horse to sit in front of her. Joel stood by the house, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched them head down the trail.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
He waited until they disappeared from view before he went into the house. He went through every room, every crevice, wall and ceiling. He found five bottles of liquor he stashed all over the house.
His hands were shaking as he stared hard at the bottles. He walked into the kitchen over to the sink. He placed the liquor bottles on counter. He braced his hands against the sink and closed his eyes. He took a few deep breaths to steady his nerves.
He kept glancing over to the liquor bottles. He could fill his flask and dump the rest. He could take just one shot.
He shook his head and laughed. Who the fuck was he kidding? He could never take just one shot.
He thought about all the horrible ways he treated Becca. The things he said to her last night. She could barely look him in the eye. He's never hated himself more. Even Ellie was giving him a hard time about it. He wasn't just failing everyone around him. He was failing himself.
He grabbed two of the bottles and poured them down the drain. He took the next two, draining them completely. He took the last two bottles and unscrewed the caps. He could smell the alluring smoke scent of the whiskey. It would be too easy. He would take a sip and want more and more and more. He wouldn't stop until he was passed out on the kitchen floor. He didn't want Becca or Ellie to see him like that. Not anymore. How could they have faith in someone like that?
He poured the last bottles down the drain and walked out of the house, needing fresh air. He breathed in the fresh open mountain air. The weather was started to become chillier and biting. Winter would be here before they knew if they could bunker down without worrying about starvation.
He worked on the ranch for the most of the day before going to outpatient therapy. They didn't have a lot of personnel who specialized in recovery, but they have therapists. Michael was someone he felt comfortable talking to. He was helping him. It didn't feel like he was talking to a doctor.
Sharon was beneficial in his recovery too. He was lucky enough to consider the woman a friend. She didn't judge him for his past mistakes. She didn't turn him away. She saved his life.
He walked out of Michaels office with a few minutes shy of Becca getting off work. He was anxious to spend time with her. Michael helped him sort out some things today. Why he relapsed and the triggers. They were almost to a breakthrough.
He was walking down the hallway when he saw her standing at the nurse's station. She seemed to be finishing up as she pulled down her face mask and took the hair net off her head. He watched as her long hair fell down her back.
He kept thinking about what Michael said. If you don't love yourself, no one else will.
He's realized something today. He didn't have to learn to love her. He needed to learn how to love himself.
He walked over to the nurse's station. Her back was facing him. She didn't see him yet.
He leaned against the desk as he whistled behind her, 'If this is what the nurses look like. Now I know why y'all are so busy.'
She laughed as she turned around to face him,'That could count for sexual harassment ya know? It extends to patients.'
He smirked as he looked over her face, whispering,'Is it sexual harassment if you want it as badly as I do?'
She couldn't argue with him there. She wrote time she clocked out on her time card, 'Come on. Let's go home. I'm exhausted.'
Joel walked alongside of her, smiling to himself. Home. They were going home. Maybe not all hope is lost like he thought.
It was an unusually warm day. Most of the townsfolk stayed out late, fixing whatever they could before the winter hindered any repairs that needed to be done.
He was surprised when she hooked her arm in his, something sh always did whenever he walked her home. He was still baffled she wanted to be near him.
They walked in silence for a little bit. Their minds stringing the words together to make sense. Nothing seemed to fit.
He cleared his throat as he looked up at the bare boned trees,'I told Michael what I said to you last night. He said I should apologize. I didn't mean any of that shit, Becca. I was hurting. I've been hurting for a long time.'
'You need to talk to me more.' She sighed and shook her head,'Tess, your son and the Fireflies. Me and Ellie should've known that from the beginning.' She saw the dejected look on his face and frowned,'Talk to me.'
'I am talking to you.' He took a deep breath,'I'm trying to anyway. I buried them because everyone deserves to have a final resting place. Even if it's in a field in the middle of nowhere.'
'We should build a garden around it.' She shrugged, 'Make it beautiful for them. You're right. Everyone deserves to rest in peace.'
She could see he was struggling with something as he ran a hand through his hair,'You should hate me for the things I did. The things I said last night.'
'You were drunk.'
'Doesn't matter.' He shrugged,'It still happened. I'll never say anything like that to you again. If I do, you just go ahead and slap me.'
'I would never hit you, Joel.' She looked up at him and bit back a smirk,'I may bite a little, but I'll never hit you.'
She was too nice to him. Tess would've slapped the shit out of him if he talked to her that way. She had quite a few times. She wouldn't condone what he last night and he did over her grave. He was going to burn in Hell.
They didn't talk the rest of the way to the house. A companionable silence existed between them. They didn't always have to talk when they were together.
Joel brought the horse to the barn Becca went upstairs to shower and change. She had a towel wrapped around herself and was drying her hair when she saw him standing in the doorway.
She jumped at the sight of his presence. He was so stealthy. It's what made him efficient at his job.
He was leaning against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest,'I got dinner on if you're hungry.'
She nodded and smiled,'I'm starving. Thank you.'
He kept staring at her and she shook her head, looking over at him,'What's the matter?'
'Nothing.' He shook his head as his eyes roved all over her,'I'm just thinking about why I'm a selfish asshole.' He met her gaze directly,'My therapist thinks my recovery might run more smoothly if I'm not…distracted.'
She crossed her arms over her chest. He stared at the swell of her chests peaking out the front of the towel. He wanted his face buried between her tits. He wanted everything all at once.
'I think we should sleep in separate rooms for the time being.' He braved himself for the onslaught of anger,'Just until I get my head straight.'
'I understand.' She sighed as she walked past him,'I just need to get my things.'
He watched as she walked down to their bedroom. He followed as she started grabbing some clothes. He could see the unshed tears in her eyes. Her face was beet red. He upset her.
He sighed as he walked over to stand behind her. He placed his hands on her arms, kissing the back of her head,'I'm gonna laying in bed all night thinking about having your body close to mine.'
She rolled her shoulders to get out of his grasp,'I'm not a doll you can take out and play with, Joel. I'm a woman trying to navigate dating in a post apocalyptic world. I don't care about sleeping in the other room. I can live with that. There might be some times when I actually prefer it.' She turned around to look up at him, placing her hand on her chest,'You have to let me in. I shouldn't have to stumble on details of your life or secondhand stories from strangers. I want you to tell me.'
He nodded as he kissed the back of her head. He wanted her to know everything. He just didn't want to think about it. Talking about it is to relive it.
Those who don't learn from their mistakes in the past are due to repeat them.