Chapter 35:I'll say sorry, but I don't really mean it.
'The only only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.'
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
(Here's another chapter solely focused on the two of them.)
One month. That's how long it's been since she's slept in their bed. She resigned herself to the fact it may never happen again. The romantic aspect of their relationship had been put on hold while he focused on his recovery.
It had been a mutual decision between them. It was probably the most mature conversation they've ever had. They weren't losing each other. They still wanted the same things in their future, but in order to do that he needed to be well. He would be no good to any of them if he wasn't sober.
If they were serious about each other, she needed to be supportive. If they were ever going to be married, this would be a hurdle they would face together. In sickness and in health. Sacred marriage vows.
When she was married to Ben, she coveted those vows. She recited them over and over in her head when he got angry and started shoving her around. When he cheated, she would recite the commandments in her head.
On paper, Ben had checked every box. He should've been a good man, but some are just born evil. David was the same. He hid behind religion. His self righteousness had been the death of him. Literally.
If this was Ben or David struggling, she would've done her part as a dutiful wife, but deep down inside she would be praying for their failure. Their death couldn't come swift enough.
Joel was not like them. He took responsibility for his mistakes. He apologized to her when it was warranted. He was trying to be better. Do better. She couldn't fault him for his transgressions.
He went to his meetings every day. One in the morning and one in the evening. She would go with him sometimes. She liked being there. It gave her a better understanding on how to help him cope with things. She would sit in the back and listen to everyone's stories. Joel hasn't gone up to speak yet, but he would in time. He was just starting to warm up to people.
He went to his therapist appointments and group sessions. He kept himself busy helping Richard and Tommy. He would go to their property and map out the rooms. He would gather supplies and bring them to the location. He worked on the farm and continued to teach Ellie the guitar.
She's watched him flourish over the last month. She wondered how long he kept drinking without anyone knowing. She was beginning to understand his erratic behavior towards her in the last few months. He was easily annoyed. She thought it was because he was tired. Tommy said he had a reputation for being a mean drunk. Everything made sense.
It was a Sunday and Becca had a day off. They were two weeks away from Christmas. Gone were the lush green fields and poppies. The warm and sunny days were replaced with gray skies and frigid temperatures. She hated the snow. Ir reminded her of everything that went wrong in her life.
She walked out onto the porch, shivering as she wrapped her scarf around her neck. The cold was biting, making it feel like tiny pin pricks were piercing her skin.
Did she forget to mention that she hates the cold?
She saw Joel on Dusty. He came from the direction of their property. She wondered if he was actually at their property or Tess and his son's grave. She knew he still visited them. She didn't follow him anymore. She respected his privacy. It wasn't any of her business. He deserved to mourn them however he wanted.
He let Dusty roam around in her enclosure. She loved being out in the snow, but a shawl was covering her body to keep her warm. Becca smiled to herself. He seemed to really love Dusty. She took a shining to him too. Joel was her person and they bonded right away. She still had that connection with her, but nothing like what they had. They were in sync with each other.
Maybe Dusty could give her a few tips on how to handle him.
He walked up to the house as he took off his riding gloves, sticking them in the back pocket of his jeans. He saw Becca standing on the porch. She had a mug of something in her hand.
It's been a month since he's touched her and felt her bare skin against his. He wanted to kiss her, but he was ashamed of himself. He never wanted her to know he was still drinking. He tried to keep it private.
The only person who had known was Tess and she couldn't tell anyone. They shared a bottle of whiskey that night as they reminisced about the past. It was supposed to be their final goodbye. He should've learned nothing was final.
Joel didn't understand why she still stayed with him. She could've decided to move back into town and never have touch with him again. He expected her to run for the hills. Just like every other woman in his life. Shit, Tess faked her death just to get away from him.
He tried to show her he loved her. In all the ways he couldn't say it. Sharon had been really helpful. She talked him down a ledge a few times.
Through therapy, he's learned he can't control everything that happens in his life and not everything works out the way you want it to. He needed to learn how to pick his battles, take a deep breath and stop fucking up. It was easier said than done. He considered himself a lost cause, but his therapist didn't see it that way. He called him a 'work in progress'. If he wanted it, there was hope for him.
He squinted his eyes as he saw the grin on her face. Her blue eyes were shining with so much joy. It made a grumpy son of a bitch like himself smile. She still had that smile she reserved only for him. He considered himself lucky to still be on the receiving end of that smile.
'Not that I don't enjoy seeing a smile on the pretty face.' He smirked,'What the hell are you so happy about?'
She cocked her head to the side. He was teasing her. He seemed light hearted when he woke up this morning. He was smiling and bouncing on his feet. She's never seen him so…happy.
For a moment, she wondered if he took something, but she gave him a drug test. He was clean. He didn't seem drunk. Just joyful.
She sighed and placed her hands on her hips,'I could say the same thing about you.'
He walked up the steps as he stepped up onto the porch. He couldn't help but lean in and kiss the side of her temple. It was an affectionate but friendly gesture. Above all else, they were close friends. Always will be.
She smiled softly as she patted his cheek,'You know why I'm happy?'
He was close enough to smell the rose oil on her skin. He had to resist the urge to bury his face in her neck and breathe her in. It's all he thought about at times.
He looked over her face as he licked his lips,'Why's that, darlin?'
'It's because Christmas is in two weeks.' She grinned at the look of horror on his face,'Hush. It won't be like Thanksgiving.' She frowned and shook her head,'As much as I love our friends. I…I don't feel comfortable with religion or God.' She looked out onto their ranch and sighed softly,'Every meal, David would make us all say grace. He would go down the line, of all his…mistresses, wives…me. He would ask us what we're thankful for. It was always the same thing. Him. She crossed her arms over her chest,'I promised myself that if I ever got away. I wouldn't have religion in my home. I wouldn't let it control me.' She looked up at him and sighed,'I'm sorry. You may want religion in your home.'
'I don't.' He shook his head as he stared at her firmly,'You don't gotta worry about that. I didn't like it either. The way it upset you. It ain't just my home. It's ours. Friend or not. Ain't nobody making you uncomfortable in your own home.'
'Some of the older ladies in town don't trust me because I don't go to church.' She swallowed harshly,'They think I'm an atheist.'
He scowled as he tried to keep his cool. She didn't need him flying on the rails. She needed someone to listen and support her. Just as she's done for him. He's been so consumed with his own shit, he never stopped to realize she was still struggling with everything that's she's been through. He was selfish.
'Let them think whatever the hell they want.' He shrugged,'You don't gotta explain shit to them. It ain't none of their business.' He placed his hand on her shoulder and grinned,'You shacking up with an older man and his adopted kid don't sit too well with them either, I suppose. God forbid a woman shares a bed with a man unmarried.' He leaned in, whispering,'They would give us exorcisms if they saw some of the shit we do together.'
She felt her cheeks warming up even in the freezing cold. She closed her eyes and sighed, whispering,'The things we used to do together. Not anymore.'
She said the words without thinking. In a way, she was speaking from her heart. She tried not to get bitter towards the situation, but it was difficult not to. They were supposed to be in love. Their rooms were right next to each others, but a continent between them wouldn't have made a difference. There wasn't a lack of communication between them. There wasn't anything at all.
Joel narrowed his eyes and stepped away from her, nodding his head,'I guess I deserved that one.'
She could say she was sorry, but she wouldn't really mean it. She didn't have anything to be sorry for. She's done her part. She's paid her dues. She's done everything in this relationship to make it work. Now he was the one who had to step up.
He heaved a laborious sigh as he crossed his arms over his chest,'I knew it was gonna be Christmas.' He cleared his throat,'Ever since I forgot about Thanksgiving, I kept track of the days. I'm trying. I know it ain't enough, but I'm trying, Becca.'
'I know you are.' She nodded,'I know that. You're working on yourself. I'm proud of you for that. I guess I just miss you.'
His eyes widened as he shook his head in disbelief,'I miss you too, baby. Every fucking second of the day.'
He frowned. He didn't want today to go like this. Ellie was staying over Lizzie's house. She's been at her house more than she's been at her own. He wouldn't gripe about it. He wasn't her real father. The only thing he could was give ged advice and guide her a long as best he can. She ended up being his touchstone most times. He would let her enjoy being a teenager. She deserved it after everything she's gone through.
With Ellie gone overnight, they had the entire place to themselves. He wanted to make the most of it. He wanted to show his appreciation. He loved her. He didn't show her that enough.
He took her hand and led her off the porch. She shook her head confusingly as they walked the trail to the barn,'What's going on? Why are you taking me to the barn?' Her eyes widened dramatically,'Are you taking me for a romp in the hayloft?' She placed the back of her hand on her forehead,'What will all the old biddies in town think? They're probably clutching their pearls as we speak.'
He laughed. An honest to God laugh. It was music to her ears. He was getting his laugh back. She almost forgotten what it sounded like.
'Those old hags are just bitter and jealous.' He glanced at her over his shoulder,'I should take you to church, lay you out on the precipice and bury my face in between legs. Maybe you'll believe in God again.'
She pursed her lips as she tried to steel her features and not become affected by his words. He was a smooth motherfucker. Judging by the knowing smirk on his face. He knew it too.
She shook her head and rolled her eyes,'I've also made a believer out of you too. You've said his name as if in prayer whenever I had your cock in my mouth. So I say we're about even. Wouldn't you agree?
His eyes fluttered shut. She rattled him. She absolutely rocked him. No other woman had the ability to render him speechless. She blew him our without even trying.
He pushed open the doors to the barn. He turned to her and took a step closer to her as he untied his bandana from around his neck,'Did you trust me?'
She averted her eyes between his face and the bandana, staring at it warily,'I'm not gonna end up in a dingy warehouse right? This isn't some kinky sex thing?'
'Definitely not the first one.' He shrugged,'The second one?' His eyes searched her face, whispering gruffly,'I've been known to dabble a time or two.' He saw the hesitant look on her face and sighed,'It's ain't nothing bad. It's a surprise. Humor an old man, will ya?'
She pursed her lips and nodded,'Okay. Let's do it.' She slyly checked her back, making sure her pistol was safely hidden inside her jeans. She wished she didn't have to do that with him.
He wrapped the bandana around her eyes and tied it behind her head. He took her hand and led her further into the barn. He let go of her hand as she could hear rustling. He curse under his breath as she bit back a laugh. He could be clumsy sometimes.
'Okay.' He took a deep breath,'I'm ready.'
Her heart pounded in her chest. She pulled the bandana off her eyes. Her eyes widened in surprise and she gasped aloud. He got a tree. An honest to God fucking tree. He was leaning against it, holding at the top with his legs crossed. He looked pleased as punch.
The pine tree was full and reached almost to his height. All she could do was stand there. She was frozen in shock. She hasn't had a Christmas since the outbreak. There weren't any causes for celebration. She and Ben lost both their families. David saw Christmas as worship. He made them pray from sun up until midnight. They stayed on their knees, praying and asking God for bountiful crops. David was never given his wish. If God existed, he abandoned them all.
He noticed she still wasn't saying anything. She was beginning to scare him. Is it not what she wanted? Did he somehow make another mistake?'
'Is it the wrong one?' He frowned,'I can get ya another one.' He shrugged, trying to be nonchalant about it,'I could get ya another one. I think there's-'
'No.' She covered her face with her hands and shook her head,'This is perfect.' She took her hands away from her face. He saw the tears falling down her cheeks,'It's the sweetest thing, Joel.'
She shook her head as she ran over to him and tightly wrapped her arms around his neck. She knocked him back a step and he grunted as she hugged him so tightly he could barely breathe. It would be a hell of a way to go.
He tentatively wrapped his arms around her waist. He closed his eyes, relishing in the feel of her against him. She's given him hugs in the last month, but nothing like this. Where her warm body was pressed against his and he could smell, taste and feel her.
Not being able to touch her in a month made him mad. It drove a man crazy knowing the woman he was in love was so close to him. She was sleeping in the room right next to him and he was too much of a coward to tell her he was sorry.
'This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.' She squeezed him tightly, whispering,'It's such a beautiful tree. Thank you so much, Joel. Thank you.'
He reluctantly let go of her and walked over to a large box. He waved her over as she crouched down in front of the box. She was excited and giddy. She would have a real Christmas again. It almost felt normal.
'I started making these that day after Thanksgiving.'
He opened the box, letting her look inside,'I still have some more to make. They kept me busy. Kept my mind distracted.'
She looked into the box and saw all the handmade ornaments. He connected them to fish hooks. She gingerly picked one of them out. It was a horse carved into wood. She lifted the ornament up, studying it carefully. He intricately carved the details into the wood. It was so well done.
'Joel.' She shook her head as she looked up at him,'This is so beautiful.' She looked down at the ornaments,'You made all these?'
He averted his eyes downward, feeling uncomfortable for some reason. This was out of his comfort zone. He wasn't used to doing nice things just for the hell of it.
His therapist told him to do things he wouldn't necessarily do on his own. He needed to step out of his comfort zone and show appreciation for the people who mattered to him. Who've supported him these last few years. This woman in front of him deserved a lot of appreciation.
He reached into the box and took out five ornaments. He laid them out in front of her. There were a J, E, D, S and B.
Fresh tears filled her eyes as she looked up at him,'You carved our names? Even our horses?'
He cleared his throat and nodded,'Dusty and Sadie are family too. I know you love them like babies. You talk to them. It's weird.'
She laughed as she shook her head,'You talk to Dusty. You think I don't hear you while I'm milking the cows? You're sweet on her.'
'She's a good girl. She had a good woman to raise her.' He stared down at the ornaments,'I figured you and Ellie could paint them however. I don't think she's celebrated Christmas before.'
Becca nodded and smiled sadly,'She's in for a special one then.' She picked up the ornaments and carefully placed them back in the box,'I don't think they need paint. They're perfect as they are. When did you have the time to do all this?'
He closed the box back up and shrugged,'I know you thought I was going to their grave. And while I did. I also followed a trail on a map Tommy gave me. He said it's where they usually get them. It was a pain in the ass to get to and he froze his balls off, but the smile on her face had been worth it.
Joel stared down at the closed box. He closed his eyes momentarily, bowing his head,'This is just a small fraction of what you've done for me.' He shook his head,'I'm in love with everything you do for me. I'm in love with you. I love you. I don't say that enough, but I do.' His hand was shaking as he placed it over his chest,'I knew I loved you before Tess came back, but when she took you and I thought I would never see you again. I felt fear unlike anything else. It made me realize how much I love you and if you didn't come back than I didn't want to either. All the Tess's in the world don't handle a candle to you.' He blinked away tears as he winced in pain,'I ain't ever loved anyone like I do you. That scares the shit outta me, but I don't want to walk this alone, Becca.'
She sighed as she leaned over and cupped his cheek,'I love you too, Joel. I love you so much.' She nodded determinedly,'All the Bens and David's in the world couldn't compare to you either. If given a choice. I would've left them like a bat out of hell. It's easy for me to stick around for you. I don't have that existential dread or anxiety of what's to come next. Everything has been my choice. I think it's easy because we were friends first. We've been through so much shit together.'
'Some would call it codependency.' He snorted,'Or Swedish Stockholm Syndrome.'
She had a serious look on her face as she stared at him,'I would call it bonding and friendship. We've never been dependent on each other. I can take care of myself. I've proven that. You've never needed anyone.'
'That's bullshit.' He shook his head as he raised his eyes up to look at her,'I need you.' He remembered what his therapist said and corrected himself,'I want you. I don't need you, but I want you in my life.'
'Attaboy.' She smirked,'You're independent and don't need anyone. You're a free thinking modern man, Joel. Welcome to the twenty first century.'
She snapped her fingers all around her for emphasis, making him laugh. When he met her in Silver Lake, he never thought a woman like this existed inside her. She was fun. She had a smart mouth. She made him laugh (not everyone could say they've had the honor. He usually makes people cry.) she called him out on his bullshit. She gave him a reason to look in the mirror at himself. He was slowly but surely becoming someone he could actually stand. The self loathing diminishing with each day she loved him.
It was warm in the barn and he plopped himself down onto the hay, leaning back against it. He sighed softly, his legs ached from riding all morning. His arms were sore and tired from lifting lumber all day, but it was a satisfied exhaustion. When he went to bed at night he felt accomplished. Rather than existing, he finally has a purpose.
Becca was seated across from him with her legs crossed underneath her. She couldn't stop staring at the tree. She couldn't wait to decorate it. She knew Ellie and Lizzie would enjoy it.
It would be the first year she could actually enjoy it. The last few years were complicated. They weren't in the mood to celebrate much. They had every reason to celebrate now.
He smiled to himself as he watched her looking at the tree. He was glad she liked it. He spent almost four hours looking for the perfect one. Only to have to haul it all the way back on Dusty. She was a capable girl, but even horses reached their limit. She stood still for almost a half hour and refused to move. He had to wait for when she, a horse was ready to leave. Why do all the women in his life have him grasped by the balls?
'I've been sober for a month.' He whispered as he played with a frayed thread on his jeans,'I haven't had a drop in a month. Absolutely nothing.'
'I'm so happy for you.' She reached over the box and grasped his hand,'I knew you could do it.'
He held onto her hand like a lifeline, tangling their fingers together,'Being sober means I have to deal with a lotta shit I've been putting off and numbing myself. I've been talking things through with my therapist. He's been helping me a lot. I didn't listen to him before. Not really anyway. I thought I could do things on my own. That I didn't need anybody's help, but I was so fucking selfish because I was hurting everyone around me. You and Ellie most of all. I don't wanna keep hiding things from you. You were right. I ain't been letting you in.' He looked over at her and met her gaze,'From now on. I'm an open book anything you wanna know. You ask. Got it?'
'Got it.' She gave him a small smile,'The same goes for you too. Anything you want to know. You just ask.'
He rested his chin on his shoulder and stared at her thoughtfully,'Before the outbreak, if we just met normally. Would this have been something you would want with me?'
'I don't think so.' She answered honestly,'I married almost right out of high school. Even if…I don't know if our paths would've crossed.'
He curtly nodded. He wasn't angry by her response. He expected it, 'Never woulda looked twice at me, huh?'
'Why does it matter?' She sighed,'I wasn't the same person I was back then. I wanted different things. Different men. As I grew older, I realized perfect men only exist in your head, which is why we get so disappointed when they don't turn out to be what we wanted. I had been guilty of that with Ben. The person I was back then wouldn't have been able to handle you emotionally. I know that for a fact. I needed some time to grow up. My priorities shifted. I didn't want men like Ben anymore. The person I am now would look twice at you. Ten times actually.' She smirked at the small smile on his face,'Who we were back then wouldn't have been ready for us.'
She squeezed his hand in hers and smiled tearfully,'We have the time to nurture what we have together. We can slowly take our time. This Becca now loves you. I don't settle. Not anymore. I'm ready for this.'
He lifted her hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of her knuckles,'Me too.'
(Christmas chapter up next! Also, someone gets killed.)