Chapter 51: Kiss My Cosmic Ass
Shippo: *clambers out of cab with a groan* Thank god.
Kagome: Yeah really. That cabbie was a real cunt. *sets Sango's trash bin on fire* I thought we'd never get here. *gives Sango's neighbor the finger and lights the fence on fire*
Shippo: I thought your setting fires thing/murdering people came from Aiko...
Kagome: No, that was the excessive death threats and increased violence. The pyromania is all me...I think.
Yashie: *carrying their luggage with irritated golden eyes, a chocolate chip cookie hanging from his lips*
Yashie: *chomps cookie down, licking crumbs from his face* Babe, you sure Sango will like us dropping in like this? You saw what she did to the Band of Seven back in Paris.
Kagome: And you saw what I did to that one asshole who had the gall to defy me. I believe we're evenly matched, Inu.
Sango: oh no...that sound again...that familiar sound...
Miroku: what is it darling?
Sango: Kagome's breaking into our house again
Sango: as if we didn't have enough uninvited guests...*glares at Kirara*
Kirara: Well YOU were the one to have me house sit
Kirara: It's not my fault you have a shit memory.
Sango: ...yeah okay that's true thank you so much for taking care of our house I love you
Kirara: Not sure what the monk's problem is but I'd wager it's hard to pronounce
Miroku: *scoffs defensively*
Kirara: Anyway, why don't we use one of Kagome's traps against her?
Miroku: What about Aiko?
Kirara: Who?
Sango: shit, she has a baby now, she gets special privileges now
Kirara: WHAT
Kirara: BABY?!
Sango: oh, yeah, Kagome was pregnant and gave birth during our Paris trip you didn't know this?
Kirara: No I obviously fucking didn't
Miroku: No need to lash out
Kirara: Oh fuck your wife you lecher
Miroku: Gladly, given if she'll let me again
Sango: Ehem, ANYWAY, what are we going to do about Kagome? And more importantly why is it taking her so long to get inside?
Kirara: Pie her face?
Sango: I don't have any pie...
Kirara: *yanks blueberry pie out of Sango's oven* Kagome hates these
Sango: oooh, do it
Kirara: *grins and waits by the door*
Kagome: *flings the door open, one arm outstretched with her palm flat against the wood, the other on her hip, legs akimbo* HELLO MY FRIEND AND HER PERVERT HUSBAND! I HAVE RETURNED TO WRECK HAVO-*gets smacked in the face by a blueberry pie*
Shippo: *freezes and chokes himself with his fist to keep from laughing*
Kagome: *trembling as the pie slides down her face and drops to the floor with a splat, leaving blueberry remnants on her face* Kirara...run.
Kagome: Run to Fiji.
Shippo: *un-chokes his fist* Uh oh
Miroku: *stifles a snicker*
Yashie: *turns a glare on him which is far less severe with Aiko in his arms*
Sango: if I were you, Kirara, I'd take her advice
Kagome: *begins chasing Kirara around Sango's house, narrowly avoiding sending a vase Sango's dad got for her to the floor*
Sango: IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE SIX YEAR OLDS COULD YOU PLEASE DO IT OUTSIDE
Kagome: *doesn't hear her as she's still chasing Kirara around*
Miroku: I got it love *opens door right as they run in that direction*
Kirara: *hits the door first as she was being chased*
Kagome: *smacks into Kirara's back*
Miroku: ...that wasn't the intention but it worked!
Kagome: *hauls herself up, glaring at Miroku*
Miroku: *shrugs and slides out of the room without actually moving his legs*
Kagome: How does he do that?
Shippo: The magic of being a pervert?
Kagome: That's not magic, son
Yashie: It's something though.
Kagome: Oh it's definitely something, but not magic. Gotta be a curse or some brain injury
Sango: it's...ya know, I don't know. I'm his wife and I don't even know.
Kagome: Let's experiment! *gets mad gleam in her eyes, throwing on a random lab coat*
Sango: I don't even know where he went...uhhh...how about we experiment on somebody else?
Kagome: Find Naraku's disembodied soul?
Sango: sure! It's probably somewhere in my house, honestly
Kagome: *grabs a lighter*
Yashie: What are you doing with that?
Kagome: Playing Ghostbusters
Sango: oooookay lets choose a different tool to start out with
Yashie: I don't even know what that means
Sango: you've never seen ghostbusters?
Yashie: If I say I don't know what it means, then how would I know
Kagome: Oooooooohhhhh
Sango: well you know what that means...
Kagome: Who ya gonna call?
Shippo: The police?
Sango: clearly Shippo hasn't seen it either
Kagome: *throws a GhostbustersDVD into the DVD player*
Sango: I didn't even know I had a DVD player
Kagome: I pulled it out of the pile of bullshit
Sango: do you guys want some popcorn or something?
Kagome: Sign me the fuck UP
Sango: Wait...I can't find it...I swear I had some…
Kagome: *yanks bag of popcorn out of her bra and throws it at Sango's face*
Sango: Well damn, Kagome, what else you got in there?
Kagome: *pulls out a Vogue magazine, a lighter, a bag full of candy, and a suspicious looking object that's bright purple and has little soft spikes on it*
Shippo: *points to the object* What's that?
Kagome: *mad scientist grin*
Inuyasha: *goes pale*
Miroku: Is that what I think it is?
Sango: *squints* So now you come back into the room?
Kagome: Apparently
Kirara: *smirks* I don't think Inuyasha's the only one getting the dildo anymore
Kagome: Probably not
Kagome: *grabs her duffle bag and reveals a wide assortment of various colored dildos* If Yashie gets too used to one, I switch. And some of these are kind of for Jakotsu.
Kagome: *pauses* I can't remember which are which though
Sango: Jaliyah?!
((Panda: Wtf Naraku
Yashie: *turns purple*
Sango: Jakotsu?!
Kagome: Yeah. Stops by every now and again, grabs the bag, goes into the bathroom, comes out ten minutes later with a smile.
Kagome: Oh and sometimes when he stops by, Yashie ends up screaming
Yashie *purple in the face and sweat pours off him*
Sango: STOP talking, please, just stop
Kagome: I think he cleans them, but I'm not sure so I always remember to dump them in a tub of soap and bleach
Sango: S T O P, please, both of your children are present
Shippo: *not knowing what any of this means*
Aiko: *wide eyed, sucking her thumb*
Sango: And I'M in the room, and I don't want to hear about your disgusting sexual relations.
Kagome: They're not mine.
Sango: Stillll don't wanna hear it.
Kagome: Fiiiiiiine
Sango: Thank you. Now time for some Ghostbusters
Kagome: *presses play* You offered popcorn.
Sango: Right...I'll just go cook your boob popcorn…
Kagome: *pulls three more bags from her bra and one from the waistband of her pants*
Sango: Oh perfect; Miroku come help me with these
Kagome: I figure you don't share your popcorn just like with your pizza
Kagome: By the way, I ordered about six boxes and they'll arrive in like...half an hour
Sango: Why did you order six whole boxes?
Kagome: You don't share. And I'm hungry.
Sango: You're going to eat all six pizzas...by yourself
Kagome: No. One for you, one for Roky, two for Yashie and two for me.
Miroku: What about Kirara?
Kagome: She can suck a fat cock for all I care. I still haven't forgotten about that blueberry bullshit.
Kirara: *smirks* It was worth it
Kagome: Oh, take a gorilla dick in the ass
Miroku: *turns blue and starts choking*
Sango: *rolls eyes* I'll be in the kitchen
Kagome: Okay
Kagome: YASHIE STOP MOVING AND SHUT THE FUCK UP
Kirara: *sits next to Miroku on the couch* Hey hawt stuff…
Miroku: *stares uncomfortably* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Kagome: Kirara, stop awkwardly flirting. Go suck Naraku's slimy, make up covered soft parts
Yashie: *wondering* How does she know what he looks like?
Yashie: *gives her scandalized and hurt look*
Kagome: Don't look at me like that
Kirara: I do like guys with long hair...do you know where Sesshomaru hangs out these days?
Kagome: Oh my god. He has the hots for-actually, I'm not sure he's even sexual at all. Yashie, he's asexual right?
Yashie: *disgusted look* How the fuck would I know? Why the fuck would I know? WHY WOULD I CARE
Kagome: *glares* Oh you wanna do this? DON'T YOU RAISE YOUR FUCKING VOICE TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT SNORTER! YOU THINK I WON'T GIVE YOU THE DILDO AGAIN?!
Aiko: *starts screaming and crying at the top of her lil lungs*
Kagome: Oh great. Thanks a lot. *grabs Aiko and starts rocking her back and forth* You see Kirara? Aiko is now crying because you can't keep it in your fucking pants! I thought you screwed a lot of guys on vacation! Didn't you become a stripper?
Kirara: How is this my fault?
Kagome: You started it by hitting on the pervert. I then told you to suck Naraku's cock, and then you asked Sesshomaru. That led me to wonder what his real orientation is because he fucking SEEMS asexual and then Yashie and I got into it because he raised his voice to me and he and all of you are goddamn morons if you think I'll take that shit lying down.
Sango: *standing in the doorway holding a spatula* Who hit on who now?
Shippo: Why are you holding a spatula?
Sango: Not important
Kagome: *grins and points at Kirara with her free hand* Kirara hit on the pervert.
Kirara: *glares at Kagome*
Kagome: *glares right back*
Sango: *looks Kirara in the eye* That's two strikes
Yashie: Ooooooooooooooh
Kagome: Shhhhhhhh *calmly places hand on his mouth, eyes boring holes into Kirara's head while she holds Aiko in one arm*
Aiko: *now sucking her thumb but her claws are brandished and one pointed threateningly at Kirara*
Kirara: It's not my fault your husband is so breathtakingly handsome, Sannie
Kagome: Is that strike three?
Shippo: I think it is
Sango: *literal fire in her irises* Strike two and a half-assed
Yashie: *rolls his eyes and finagles his mate's fingers away from his mouth so he can eat popcorn*
Kagome: Kirara, she's even more dangerous than I am. She turned the Band of Seven into the band of one half.
Miroku: I certainly wouldn't test her if I were you...speaking from experience…
Kirara: I suppose I should take my business elsewhere…
Kagome: Considering you test her every day, that's very hypocritical, monk.
Kagome: Go suck off Kuranosuke
Shippo: Mommy?
Kirara: *stands up and starts walking out the door* Sex robots are better than their human counterparts, anyway
Kagome: I'll tell you when you know what a lemon is
Yashie: What's a lemon?
Kagome: *freezes*
Kagome: Yashie, you're so fucking stupid *drags Yashie out of the house, the door still open*
Miroku: What about Aiko and Shippo?
Kagome: Babysit them! *tosses Miroku twenty bucks and a KitKat*
Sango: *pokes head out of kitchen* Did our friends just leave us with their children without asking?