Act 2: Beautiful War
Chapter 37:This is only the beginning.
'To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist. That is all.'
-Oscar Wilde
'DOCTOR!' His booming voice echoed throughout the hallway and he was probably waking up the patients, but he could care less,'I NEED A FUCKING DOCTOR NOW! FUCKING NOW!'
He was shaking with fears. His face was covered in sweat and tears. Her blood.
She should be surrounding him right now. They should be tangled in the sheets in their bed. Not this. Anything but this'
Joel charged through the hospital, her limp body in her arms. Her eyes were glazed over as she stared dazedly up at the ceiling. She was breathing raggedly. His hands were completely covered in her blood.
She didn't seem to be responding to him anymore. Flashes of Sarah's lifeless body in his arms repeated through his mind. He couldn't let the same thing happen again. He couldn't make the same mistake.
Losing her wasn't an option for him. Not after tonight. He thought it would be a new beginning for them. A start to their future.
She didn't even get a chance to say yes or no. He was confident she would say yes. He could see it in her eyes. There's a slight chance she could've said no. He needed her to be okay so he could get his answer either way.
He didn't want to live with the not knowing. He didn't want to be without her.
The only two doctors and four nurses on shift came running out into the hall to see the commotion. They all stopped in their tracks when they saw Joel, carrying Becca's limp and unconscious body. She was bloody. His clothes were covered in her blood. His once crisp brand new white was bloody.
What the hell happened?
They immediately went into action. One of the nurses wheeled over a gurney. Joel gently laid her down onto the gurney.
Tears fell from his eyes as his body shook with sobs. This was worst fear. It's why he was hesitant to act on his feelings in the first place. He didn't want to love her, only to lose her. They didn't have enough time. They were just getting started.
His trembling hand swept back her bangs away from her sweaty forehead. He bent down and kissed her forehead, whispering,'Please don't leave me, honey girl. We need more time.'
He leaned away from her as the nurses tore her dress apart to assess her injuries. He winced as the tears fell down his cheeks. He didn't care who saw him. He didn't care if they thought he was a pussy.
He looked down at the once beautiful dress now tattered on the floor. She looked so beautiful in it. The prettiest girl he's ever laid eyes on it. He appreciated her outward beauty, but he loved her. She put up with so much bullshit from him and everyone in town. She was proud to be his friend.
She always told him it was their loss. They were missing out. He needed that kind of faith in his life. He needed her.
She was the love of his life. Along with Ellie and Sarah; she was the best thing to ever happen to him. They were his trifecta of the only women he's ever truly loved. Each unique and special on their own way.
Sarah had been his flesh and blood. The love he felt for her was unconditional. He would lay his life on the line for her. He almost succeeded in doing so, but time decided they weren't done with him yet.
Ellie was someone he didn't want nor think he needed in his life. He didn't want to be responsible for a kid. Before Tess 'died' she made me promise to keep her safe. He stayed true to his word. Affection grew into a friendship. Over time it became a fatherly love.
Becca? Becca was the kind of love you fight for. They fought tooth and nail. He tried to kill her when she took his watch. He pressed the gun to her head and cocked it. He knew he never would've done it. He was already with her by then. He was sure of it.
Looking back on it, he loved her the minute she shot those guards in the hospital. She had been beaten and raped, but she still fought for him. For Ellie. For them. She never gave up on him. Even when he pushed her away. She supported him. She was his rock.
Losing her would be like losing a part of himself.
One of the doctors turned to Evelyn, who was pushing her down the hallway to the surgical suite,'Get Sharon down here!'
Joel's eyes emblazoned with fury. He shook his head as he walked over to the younger doctor. He was shaking, tears were on his face and he probably looked like an idiot. Barefoot and bloodied.
'I don't care who the hell you have to bring down here.' He shook his head as he watched them wheel her down the hallway.
Memories of Ellie on a gurney and seeing the Firefly surgeons almost killing her. He started to panic. He sprinted down the hallway to the gurney.
He gripped the handrails as he ran along the side. He didn't want to leave her. He was afraid this would be the last time.
One of the orderlies gently grabbed his shoulder, pulling him back,'Sir. You can't go in there. It's for medical personnel only.'
'I'm personnel?' He looked over his shoulder at the punt twenty something and snorting,'This for security?' He easily jerked his arm,'Don't touch me again. Don't let me tell ya twice.'
He was unwilling to look away from her. His eyes widened as her breathing started to become rapid. One of the nurses became concerned as she listened to her heart. The other doctor was keeping pressure on her injury, making sure she didn't bleed out anymore than it already did. Her skin felt cold and clammy to the touch
Just when he almost…
'Cardiac arrest!' Evelyn shouted, jarring him to attention.
The older doctor, Chuck, he remembered Becca talking about him. He met Joel's gaze,'This isn't helping her. You need to let us do our jobs. Becca would want that.'
Chuck wasn't speaking to him as a doctor, but man to man. Becca respected these people. She trusted them implicitly. She would talk about them with warmth. These were her friends. She could see the true concern on their eyes.
He gave one last lingering look at her as he reluctantly took a step back from the gurney.
Chuck looked back at him and nodded,'I'll do everything in my power to help her.'
All Joel could do was nod his head. He watched as the nurse pushed through the doors to wheel her into the surgical suite.
He stood there and just stared at the doors. Tears blurred his vision, but he felt numb. He didn't move from his spot. He didn't know for how long.
He felt strong hands on his shoulders, 'She's gonna be okay.'
Joel closed his eyes as he heard Tommy's clear voice, strong with conviction,'It ain't your fault.'
Tommy knew him too well. He feel to blame. He made her too vulnerable and exposed to the enemy. Whomever was watching knew she was special to him. In a way they did kill him. By possibly taking something precious from him. He would never have another Becca. Irreplaceable.
Joel's hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, her blood already caking on his skin,'I'm gonna destroy whoever did this.' His voice eerily calm, but dripping with unbridled rage. It consumed him,'I'm gonna fuckin slowly tear them apart with my bare hands.'
He needed to focus on the anger. He couldn't think about her in surgery as they tried to take the bullet out and stop the bleeding. She lost so much blood. She went into shock. Cardiac arrest. He was almost fourteen years older than her and he was still alive and kicking.
What a Shakespearean type tragedy. The darkness prevails and the good always perish.
Tommy sighed as he squeezed his shoulders,'I know you do. I want to. Maria wants to.'
Joel's eyes widened as he saw Sharon walked into the side entrance. She had a reserved look on her face, but her eyes weighed heavily with concern and sadness. Becca was like a daughter to her. A respected colleague.
Sharon's eyes met his and she gave him a curt nod. She needed to be professional. Right now she was a doctor.
Joel took a deep breath as Sharon went into the room. She was in capable hands. They would do whatever they could.
If they didn't…
He didn't think about what he might do.'
'For now?'' Tommy sighed,'You have to…put that aside for yourself right now. I'm handling it right now. We have extra guards around the perimeter.'
Joel clung to what he knew. Assess and task. He needed this. He felt like he was going to fall apart.
Tommy blinked away tears as he cleared his throat, We think it was a sole shooter. We only found a single horse tracks. Lou found some footprints in the snow near the East perimeter. We take care of our own. This isn't something you have to do through alone. You, Becca and Ellie deserved to be in this town just as anybody else.'
Tommy sighed as his older brother shook with sobs and rage. Fear too. He could feel the fear in his shoulders. Tense and taunt,'When the time is right. We'll take care of it. For now, you need to be here for her.'
'I asked her to marry me.' He blurted out as he pulled at his hair,'She never got the chance to tell me her answer.'
Tommy swallowed the lump in his throat. He wrapped his arm around his brother's shoulders as he pulled him against his chest, whispering,'She's gonna give you her answer, Hermano . You're gonna get married. Sharon's in there.'
Joel clung to his brother's arm as he felt his knees buckle. All of the emotions of the evening made him crumple physically. Tommy was there to catch him.
'I can't lose her, man.' He sobbed softly, unashamed of what his brother may think of him. He almost fell apart when Maria was kidnapped.
Joel's body shook his sobs as he held tightly onto Tommy's arm,'I want her as my wife…' He gasped as he felt his chest constrict. Maybe he would die of a heart attack, 'I wanna give her babies. I ain't want that.'
He shook his head. He was unable to finish. He felt like he couldn't breathe.
Tommy sat on the floor with him and held him as he sobbed. Before the outbreak, Joel seemed to be the more sentimental of the two of them.
When they met up again, they had become two completely different men. Tommy had become the more reserved and careful one. Joel was reckless and dangerous.
Becca seemed to spark a change within him. It was something that's always been in him. She brought out the tenderness in him. She loved him without fault.
As Tommy held a broken man, he thought about the reality. What if they lost her? What if they tried all they could? They would give her a proper burial. She deserved respect and recognition.
What would become of Joel? He would wither in himself again? Losing himself in drugs and alcohol and nameless women. He would become reckless and dangerous again. Could Ellie really save him this time?
Could anyone save him?
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Tommy managed to get Joel calmed down. Somewhat. He dragged him into the bathroom and he washed his hands robotically as her blood went down into the sink. So much blood. Her pretty dress completely ruined. A tragic ending to an almost perfect night.
His whole entire life's been on one endless cliffhanger.
Joel threw water in his face as he slowly raised his eyes to the mirror. His eyes had heavy bags under them. The lines in his face making him seem older. He really thought he was worthy of her. Tonight, she looked up at him with so much adoration. Her love for him wouldn't absolve his sins, but eased his mind. She calmed his soul.
He tore his eyes away from the mirror and went back into the hallway, muttering a curse word under his breath. Still nothing.
He leaned back against the wall and slid his hair back. He slid down the wall and sat on the floor. He wouldn't leave. He would wait forever if he had to.
Joel rested his arms on his knees as Tommy sat next to him. He looked over at his younger brother, whispering,'I don't think I'll recover from this, Tommy.' He closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks,'I know I need to be there for Ellie, but I ain't gonna be able to stay here. In that house. Everywhere I go round here will remind me of her.' He shook his head,'I'm gonna need to find out who did this. I ain't gonna be able to come back.'
Tommy looked up at him and frowned,'What are you asking me?'
'I need ya to take care of Ellie.' He sighed,'I need ya to promise me that you'll look after her when I'm…gone.'
Tommy didn't want to argue. Joel wasn't going anywhere. He had men who were willing to ride along with them. They wouldn't let anyone take this town from them. They would've cower in fear.
There was no law to abide. It was like the Wild Wild West. Tommy and Joel considered themselves gunslingers in a way. They carried their own set of morals.
They never said they were righteous man. Even cleaned up and spiffy, Tommy was still the punk kid who loved a good fight.
'Okay.' Tommy needed to add liar to that list as well, 'I'll do it.'
Joel relented. He seemed satisfied by that. He looked over at the closed doors. It's only been two hours. No one came out of the room yet. That was a good sign. They were still fighting for his girl.
Joel never considered himself a religious man. He was raised in a very strict catholic household. His abuela and mama were pious women.
He used to have to pray every night on his knees. He hated it. He just wanted to hide underneath the covers and look at titty magazines.
He never said he was a pious man.
As he got older, he strayed away from religion. He want a praying man, but he found himself closing his eyes and placed his fist over his mouth. He prayed to the God his family believed so deeply in. He needed something. He needed hope.
Thankfully, Maria arrived with some coffee. She also brought a pair of clean socks, a pair of boots, jeans and a flannel for him to wear. They seemed to be his.
He knew Ellie retrieved them for him. His heart sank. He didn't know how she reacted to the news. She meant a lot to Ellie too.
Maria managed to convince Joel to sit in one the vacant patient's rooms. She didn't want to cause a scene. The patients finally managed to settle back down after the chaos.
He changed into the clothes and boots. He was was thankful to get the clothes off, soiled with her blood. Tommy noticed him shivering gave him his coat. He took it without shame. He was tired of caring about what everybody else thought. He just wanted peace. With her.
He paced back and forth in the small room. Tommy and Maria watched, hopeless as to what to do. There wasn't anything they could do.
Ellie came running into the room. She looked around at the solemn look on everyone's faces. Her eyes widened and she shook her head in disbelief,'No… she's dead?'
'She ain't dead, kid.' His tone was firm as he glared over at her warningly,'Don't say that ever again.'
Ellie swallowed harshly and nodded,'I'm sorry.' She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist,'I'm sorry, Joel. I know how long you been planning this.'
He kissed the top of her head. She was tall, almost to his chest. She was growing like a weed. Time was passing them by. Fleeting.
Ellie stared up at him and frowned,'What happened?'
Maria knew Joel would give her blunt end of it,'Someone hurt her and the doctors are fixing it.'
Ellie looked up at Joel. She knew she was hurt terrible by the look in his eyes. He looked terrified. She's never seen him this afraid of anything before.
He was sitting on the edge of the gurney, ready to leap up at any time. He was bouncing his leg nervously.His arms were crossed as he met her gaze, 'We were headed home and…I was proposing to her.' He shook his head,'Real pussy style. Becca's gonna tell ya all about it. You're gonna break my balks.'
'She's gonna tell me.' Ellie's voice was firm and resolute. She stared him in the eyes, daring him to lie to her again,'Right?'
Joel sighed shakily as fresh tears filled and shook his head,'I don't know, baby girl. I honestly don't know.'
Joel refused to lie to the girl ever again. Not after what went down in the hospital. When they survived that night, he swore he would never lie again. It took a lot to build her trust. He wouldn't dare do anything to ruin that.
'They're doing all they can to help her.' Tommy interjected, always the reassuring one of the two,'Sharon is in there. She's been in there a long time. That means they're fighting for her.'
Ellie crossed her arms over her chest and pursed her lips,'Thanks for that, Captain America.'
Joel snorted despite his dismal mood. Fuckin Tommy. Ever the optimist.
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They waited over twelve hours before Sharon and Chuck walked into the room. They both looked exhausted. They were sweating and had blood on their scrubs.
Joel sprung up from the bed, relieved to see them. The last twelve hours had been agonizing. He couldn't eat, sleep or think about anything but her. He didn't want to forget the way she smelled, taste and felt like. He didn't have her fully. Not in all the ways he wanted, but it was enough for him in the moment. He yearned for more.
The doctors pulled their masks down. They had tears in their eyes, but it could be from exhaustion. Please let it be from exhaustion.
'Please.' Joel gritted his teeth as he clasped his hands in prayer against his mouth,'Is she okay?'
'We managed to get the bullet out.' Sharon shook her head,'She had another cardiac arrest an hour into surgery. We managed to get her heart going again, but…she died twice on the operating table. Luckily, we managed to kickstart it back in time before an oxygen was loss to the brain.'
Chuck gave his colleague a rest as he continued,'We got the bullet out. Luckily, it didn't damage any organs.'
Joel closed his eyes and sighed in relief. His prayer was answered. If she made it through, he would go to Sunday church.
'She lost a considerable about of blood, Joel.' Chuck sighed and shook his head,'We have her under medically induced coma to let her body…hopefully give her body a rest.'
He slumped back against the gurney. He felt like the wind was knocked out of him. His sweet honey girl. Her warmth kept him cold during the winter. He felt cold again.
Chuck leaned forward as he grasped Joel's hand that was clenching his knee,'I don't know if she will wake up, son. I'm afraid the amount of blood less will cause an infection in the wound. She'll get sepsis. Her organs will shut die down. She has about a fifty fifty chance here. The next twenty four hours will determine that. We have her in constant antibiotics, blood pressure medication. We're monitoring her around the clock.'
Joel had his head bowed as he chewed on the inside of his cheek to keep from bawling his eyes out,'Then get her some blood.'
'It's not that easy.' Sharon interjected,'There needs to be testing, databases. She needs to match for someone's blood.'
Joel shrugged as if it were the easiest thing in the world,'Then test people. You're the fucking doctors.'
Chucks brows furrowed as his heart went out to the man,'It's not that easy, son.'
Joel got up from the gurney and pushed back against Chuck,'No! Fuck no!' He pointed furiously at the old man,'You take me to her right NOW!'
Tommy and Maria were there to step in. They both grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back.
Ellie just stood in the background, watching everything unfold. She wondered if this is what Joel was like when she were under at the hospital. Becca spoke of his bravery, but was vague on the details. Hopefully, she would be able to ask him about it one day.
Sharon and Tommy shared a look of understanding.
Sharon stepped up and shrugged,'I don't see any reason why Joel couldn't see her. They say people in a coma can hear people while under. Maybe hearing your voice will help bring her back.'
Joel's eyes widened and he nodded,'I wanna see her. Now.'
He would charge the hospital guns blazing just to see her. He needed to see for himself she was alive. She was still holding on. He needed her to stay.
Sharon nodded as he nodded towards the doorway,'I'll take you.'
Joel stared back at Ellie as he followed Sharon out the door. She gave him a nod and smiled tearfully. She trusted him. He couldn't fuck this up.
His met eyes with his brother, giving him a curt nod of appreciation. They didn't need to say words. It wasn't their way.
Maria smiled at him sadly. He saw warmth in her eyes rather than disdain. These were his people. His pack. They protected each other.
Joel followed Sharon out the door. His heart was hammering in his chest. He could heard it thumping loudly in his ears. His palms were sweaty. He was nervous to see her. He didn't want to see her…not well.
Sharon brought him to a lone room in the back. It was private, away from the rest of the other patients. Trauma room. This miss be where they kept the dire patients. Did she have second, minutes, hours? He wanted years and years and years. He always expected he would do before her. He was older than her. Long in the tooth.
They stepped in front of the door and she shoved her hands into the doctor's coat,'I want to warn you. She has a…breathing tube. Much like what you had. She's hooked up to machines. She doesn't look herself.'
'I don't care.' He whispered fiercely, 'My girl's always fuckin' beautiful. I just wanna see her.'
Sharon nodded solemnly as she opened the door,'Very well.'
He hung his head and took a deep breath to gather his courage. He walked inside the door abs he jumped as Sharon closed the door behind him. He was alone with her.
Joel walked over to the foot of her bed. He took a few deep shaky breaths and slowly lifted his head to look at her
The breath left his lungs. His tongue feel heavy. He gripped onto the rails at the foot of her bed to keep from stumbling onto his knees. Tommy wasn't there to catch his fall this time.
He covered his mouth his hand, sobbing softly. There was a breathing tube in her mouth. Both of her arms were connected to wires and intravenous needles. The machines beeped loudly as her chest compressed with the breathing tube.
Her skin was almost gray. Her fiery red hair splayed out onto the stark white pillow. Always beautiful.
He sighed shakily as he took a deep breath. He could feel the rage building up inside of him. The kind that made him want to tear whatever the hell was this Earth. The person or persons who did this to her would suffer greatly. He would take great pleasure in it.
Joel grabbed the chair and slid it over to her bedside. He let down the guardrail and gingerly grasped her fingers. They weren't warm like they usually were.
He laid his head down beside her as his eyes filled with tears,'This can't be all that's it for us, darlin.' He smirked despite his tears,'I know ya hear me, smart ass.' He sighed shakily, whispering in anguish,'I still need to get your answer. Please wake up and marry me, baby. I love you so damn much. Please wake up and be my wife.'His voice was pleading,'I wanna build us our own ranch. I wanna give ya babies. I want forever with you. Please wake up so I can tell ya that. Please. I can't promise I won't fuck up a time a two. Hell, probably every day. You love me though.'
He waited for what felt like forever for a response. He got nothing but the beeping of the machines, the sound of the breathing tube compressing air into her lungs. He watched as her lungs expanded.
He kissed her arm as he made the blankets were keeping her warm. She hated the cold.
He closed his eyes as he cried softly, whispering,'Take me God. Take me. Come down and take me. Take me instead of her.' For the first time in years, he prayed,'She don't deserve to die. I do after all I done.'
Again, he waited as nothing happened. He placed his arm protectively over her legs. That was alright. He could be just as stubborn as her.