Chapter 54: KitKats were invented in 1935
A few notes:
1. This is probably the longest chapter we've ever done. 6,718 words not counting these notes
2. The concept of Natalie (you'll see what I mean soon enough) comes from when we decided to start referring to autocorrect as Naraku because it's evil sometimes but now "Naraku" aurocorrects to "Natalie," so we concluded that Naraku has taken on a new gender identity and would like to be called Natalie from this point forward. Natalie also reveals other things to us through cryptic autocorrections, such as her current food cravings and love interests.
3. WE ACTUALLY PLANNED SOME OF THIS AHEAD OF TIME INSTEAD OF JUST WINGING EVERYTHING. some of it. but it's gonna be good, I promise. maybe.
Recap:
Kagome: *falls back onto the couch, unconscious*
Yashie: What the fuck happened to my wife goddamnit?!
Narrator: in this moment, the cauldron expands and becomes a giant portal that seems to be emitting dramatic music
Miroku: SANGO DON'T GO TO THE PORTAL
Sango: *stares into his eyes* I don't follow orders *does a full-fledged cannonball into the portal*
Now:
Yashie: Jesus fuck
Miroku: *dazed and confused* what do I do now? Do I go after her?
Yashie: If you do, leave Aiko here
Miroku: well obviously I'm not taking your baby into a random uncharted magical portal geez
Yashie: Then give her to me
Miroku: goodbye, little one *hands Aiko to her father, dismayed* you gonna be alright here?
Yashie: Sure. Kagome's unconscious so it's not like she can cause any havoc
Miroku: you're awfully calm now
Yashie: I have to be
Miroku: *salutes Inuyasha and jumps into the portal*
Yashie: Well shit
Shippo: Dad? Why is mom sleeping?
Yashie: She tried a spell she apparently messed up. Don't do magic under the influence of magic
Shippo: is she gonna be okay?
Yashie:...Pfttttttt yeah she'll be fine
Aiko: *throws up confetti*
Yashie: Great. Now I have to clean that up
Aiko: *claps hands with a huge smile*
Yashie: Fuck
Shippo: Fuck
Aiko: *gurgles out a baby version of fuck*
Yashie: Goddamnit
Aiko: *launches out of Inuyasha's arms and starts levitating around the room*
Yashie: Jesus fuck
Aiko: *lands clumsily on Kagome's chest and starts slapping both of her mother's cheeks repeatedly*
Kagome: *does nothing*
Aiko: *frowns and crosses her little arms*
Narrator: MEANWHILE, IN THE REALM OF MYSTERY
Miroku: Sango?
Miroku: SANGO MY LOVE COME BACK TO MEEEEEE
Sango: *spins around to face him, suddenly wearing a pencil skirt and a polka dotted collared shirt, her hair curled* Miroku?! What are you doing here?
Miroku: *starstruck* Uhhh uhhh
Sango: *puts hand on hip* damn, you look good in a suit
Miroku: My love you are a goddess
Sango: snap out of it monk, we have work to do
Miroku: *totally confused* Okay?
Sango: according to this schedule I found in my bra, we've got an appointment in just a few minutes
Miroku: *bumps into someone who turns out to be Ryūkotsusei*
Miroku: *double take; inhale; whisper* What the fuck
Sango: *leans in and whispers to him* okay, I've only been here like a few seconds longer than you, but apparently we run a private investigator business together so just be cool
Miroku: *snaps out of it* Oh thank god
Miroku: *looks down at self* Ohmygod I look so sexy my love omg
Sango: right?! These clothes give me some mega confidence
Old lady lacking color: *gives him odd look*
Sango: so I'm nottt really sure why everything is in black and white
Miroku: Well you did cannonball into a magical portal our psychopathic friend created
Sango: yes but...*looks at watch* shit, we've gotta get to our office *drags him inside a building*
Sango: our newest client will be here any minute
Miroku: Okay then *stops by shitty vending machine*
Miroku: *buys a KitKat*
Sango: we don't have time for that! We gotta look professional! *drags Miroku to their office, totally enjoying herself*
Miroku: But My KitKat...!
Sango: you can eat it later! Come on!
Miroku: *tearfully puts the KitKat in his desk*
Narrator: The only reason Miroku knows that desk is his is the very provocative magazines on it and the picture of Sango
Sango: *looks at watch* maybe they're running late...?
Inuyasha: *walks in half professional and his hair tied back*
Sango: *freezes up in surprise and whispers under her breath* holy shit
Miroku: *also whispering* Jesus fuck
Sango: Inuyasha?
Inuyasha: Yes. We spoke on the phone earlier this week?
Miroku: *yanks open a drawer and shoves the magazines inside it*
Sango: *briefly glares at Miroku* ah, of course. Please, have a seat
Inuyasha: *sits down* So, I need something to be investigated
Miroku: *clears throat* can you be more specific?
Inuyasha: Well, it's about-
Kagome: *strides in quickly, brushing her hair out of the way* Hey, sorry I'm late. Some idiot spilled their latte on me.
Sango: *rapidly taps Miroku on the shoulder in bewilderment*
Miroku: *stares at Kagome in horror, mostly because of the multitude of tattoos and small amount of piercings. She even has the tips of her hair dyed in an ombre*
Sango: please, have a seat...ma'am
Kagome: Sure, lady. *plops down next to Inuyasha*
Inuyasha: *sighs*
Miroku: so, uh, can you tell me what seems to be the problem?
Inuyasha: My ex-girlfriend went missing and her family is blaming me. I need to have her found so they don't have my ass arrested.
Sango: ooooh...I mean, um, that's very unfortunate. May I ask when and where she was last seen?
Kagome: *staring out the window like an idiot*
Inuyasha: Like...a month ago? She came to my house and said we were still together. But I'd moved. And I didn't tell her where I moved.
Sango: do you know anyone who may have been involved?
Inuyasha: Well the last time I saw her, she was yelling something about killing a stripper
Kagome: What stripper
Inuyasha: I dunno. Said the name started with a K.
Kagome: ...Kirara?
Inuyasha: I mean, she's nuts, but I don't think enough to do anything like that. She would just kidnap a guy and force him to sleep with her.
Kagome: True...
Sango: do you know any other strippers whose names start with K?
Inuyasha: *looks at Kagome*
Kagome: *looks away*
Sango: *internally screams*
Miroku: *stifles a snicker*
Kagome: *glares at Miroku* Got somethin' to say?
Inuyasha: Stop it.
Kagome: *gives Miroku another glare and moves her hand away from her side*
((Fire: YEAH I GAVE KAGGIE A PIECE FIGHT ME
Miroku: *clears throat again* no, no, nothing ma'am, um, did Kikyo have any other suspicious connections?
Kagome: I thought she threatened to shove dynamite down his throat once.
Inuyasha: It was twice actually but whatever.
Miroku: I meant potential people we could talk to...
Kagome: ...Dude I never even graduated high school
Inuyasha: I'm trying to get her a diploma...one of my friends does work for that
Miroku: *trying really hard not to laugh*
Kagome: *glares even harder* Bitch, are you trying to start somethin'?!
Inuyasha: *yanks her back into her seat* Stop causing trouble
Sango: *interupts* maybe we should talk to Kirara? See if she knows other strippers whose names start with K?
Kagome: She's working right now but I think she gets off her shift around six.
Sango: can I have an address?
Kagome: Here. *vaguely scribbles something on a piece of paper, gives Miroku a final glare and gets up, strutting out*
Sango: *speaks directly to Inuyasha* we'll call you if we find anything
Inuyasha: Thanks *leaves*
Sango: well, looks like we'll be waiting around until six...what should we do?
Miroku: *devouring the KitKat with chocolate all over his face and fingers; looks up* Huh?
Sango: *shakes head*
Narrator: Time Skip! It's now six pm in the black and white universe and Sango and Miroku arrive at the address Kagome shittily scrawled on a paper.
Miroku: *knocks on door* So we still haven't figured out how to turn Kagome back to normal. And I'm afraid I never want to see Kagome as a stripper ever again. At least our version has never threatened to pull her piece on me.
Sango: we'll worry about that later...for now, though, please be careful. You slipped up when you said Kikyo's name. Yashie had never mentioned it. And I really, really don't trust Kagome with a gun, stripper or otherwise
Kirara: *walking up the stairs to the apartment* Who the hell are you? *cocks hip, her cream hair dyed black at the tips swaying to and fro*
Kagome: *walking up the stairs behind her* It's cool, Lala. Just detectives looking for some dead psycho. Now if you please, fucking move. I need coffee. *shoves past Miroku and opens the door, strutting immediately to the kitchenette*
Sango: *gives Miroku a look before returning attention to Kirara* we were just wondering if you knew anything about Kikyo's disappearance?
Kirara: Who?
Kagome: *shouting from kitchen* Crazy stripper bitch who fell in love and went nuts
Sango: Inuyasha's ex-girlfriend?
Kirara: OOOHHH that whore
Sango: yes, she disappeared about a month ago; do you have any information that could help us find her?
Kirara: Other than her threatening to cut my tits off if she ever caught me near her precious 'Yashie-Boo'? No.
Kagome: She said she'd pour bleach down my throat and shove a radioactive dildo up my ass if I ever went near him.
Miroku: WhoA!
Sango: *jabs him in the gut with her elbow*
Miroku: *grunts* Shitttt
Kagome: *peaks around corner to give the detectives an odd look* Oookay then.
Kirara: Yeah alright. I'm gonna just ignore that...
Sango: Inuyasha mentioned that she threatened to kill someone whose name started with a K; do you know who that might be?
Kagome: Well she did say she'd kill me once. Then again she also tried to jump me after work once too.
Kirara: Me too. Tried to stab me with a spork...
Sango: *grimaces, trying to stay cool* is there anyone else we could talk to? Maybe a family member? Another stripper?
Kirara and Kagome: *look at eachother* Well...there's always Natalie. But...she...isn't exactly the next Cosmopolitan model.
Kirara: You'd probably have better luck with our boss, Midori...but then again, she's always busy.
Sango and Miroku: *exchange looks* Natalie?
Kagome: *cringes* Natalie is super fucking awkward and no matter how hard she tries to get a customer, no one fucking wants her. And I mean no one.
Kirara: We've all tried everything to make her better for business, but we've actually lost people cause of this. She's already gotten fired four times for the same reason. No one will take her.
Kagome: It's not hard to see why. You'll know it's her the moment you see her...
Sango: ...was she involved with Kikyo in any way?
Kagome: Well Natalie was jealous of Kikyo for her looks, but she's kind of jealous of everyone.
Miroku: do you think she would have been jealous enough to...kill her?
Sango: *elbows him again*
Kirara: She told us that she'd cut our faces off and sew them onto hers, one night after work.
Kagome: That's when I started carrying. *lifts her shirt to reveal part of a gun shoved in the waistband of her pants*
Kirara: Me too. *whips switch blade out of her bra*
Sango and Miroku: *both flinch*
Kagome: Put that way, you blade-toting whore
Kirara: I was only a whore for a week, so SCREW YOU
Kagome: YOU WISH, YOU LITTLE BITCH
Sango: so...where can we find Natalie? Or Midori?
Kagome: *suddenly normal* Feudal Fantasy.
Sango: which is...?
Miroku: WE'RE GOING TO A STRIP CLUB
Kagome: *writes down address before resuming her fight with Kirara*
Narrator: Sango and Miroku stare at the two as they continue to roll around on the floor, spewing insults and death threats. Kirara threatens to stab Kagome while Kagome threatens to blow Kirara's head off.
Kagome: *breathlessly while holding her gun to Kirara's face* Yes it's a fucking strip club. Have a sticker. *reaches into pocket and pulls out a sticker, throwing it at Miroku*
Miroku: *gleefully tries to catch sticker but fails and clumsily grasps it off the ground*
Miroku: I GOT A STICKER
Sango: *rolls eyes and shuts the apartment door* let's go, idiot *pulls him by his tie
Narrator: and so the two adventurers make their way down to the Feudal Fantasy Gentleman's Club
Miroku: who knew being a private investigator would be so rewarding
Sango: we're still married in this universe, you know
Miroku: I don't see a ring
Sango: we never had rings in the first place, dumbass
Miroku: *shuts up*
Sango: *opens door to the club* now where's Natalie...
Miroku: Oh my god. *chokes and gags*
Sango: what? What is it? *sees what Miroku sees and freezes up* oh no...
((Panda: I'm gonna trust you to describe Natalie...
Narrator: Hang on. *retches once more*
Narrator: The girls were right. Natalie is the easiest stripper to spot, solely on her appearance, and not in a positive way.
Narrator: *gags* Her hair is black but greasy, her eyes red and have too much eyeshadow, lips too red, clothing extreme even for a gentlemen's club, with the ugliest nose anyone's ever seen.
Narrator: Oh and some of the bushiest eyebrows known to woman-kind.
Narrator: Just a description off the bat. *runs to the bathroom to retch again*
Sango: it's...it's Naraku...ohmygod...
Miroku: *nods, unfortunately unable to tear his eyes away*
Natalie: *tries to seduce someone but they shriek and run away* Fine! Be like that!
Sango: I really really really wanna burst out laughing but we'll probably get murdered
Miroku: *nods vigorously*
Miroku: Let's try the boss. See if she's here.
Miroku: *turns to random stripper* Excuse me, where's your boss?
The stripper, who is apparently Kagura: She's upstairs. Knock before you walk in, otherwise she'll tase you and then stab you.
Sango: *drags Miroku upstairs away from the near-naked ladies and knocks lightly on Midoriko's door*
Midoriko: Who the fuck are you and what do you want?
Miroku: *shocked into silence*
Sango: are you familiar with a woman named Kikyo?
Midoriko: Oh. The crazy bitch. Kept threatening my other girls. I had to tase her ass and left her out back one day. After that she said she'd cut my head off and find someone to fuck my eye sockets
Sango: she used to work here?
Midoriko: You bet your skinny, tight ass.
Miroku: *discreetly tries to look at said derrière*
Sango: *smacks him without looking* Kikyo disappeared about a month ago. Do you know anyone who might be involved?
Midoriko: I know about thirty seven ladies who'd like to fucking kill the bitch, but most of them were working last month. All but Kirara and Kagome. Kagome had a family reunion and dragged Kirara as company to lessen the blow.
Sango: family reunion...okay, thank you, you've been a huge help *drags Miroku out of office*
Sango: Miroku, I hate to say it, but it looks like Kagome is our culprit
Miroku: It doesn't surprise me
Miroku: So when are we going to catch our psychopathic, now murderous friend?
Sango: we can't just barge in...she has a gun, and she doesn't know us...we should probably call Inuyasha first and tell him to meet us?
Miroku: Uhhhhhh
Sango: what?
Miroku: I don't think that's a good idea either
Sango: why?
Miroku: Because he may confront her and I'd rather not have him murdered either
Sango: right...we'd better just go find the police station
Miroku and Sango: *walk in police station*
Miroku: Excuse me, is there an officer we can talk to?
Narrator: A file folder snaps closed and reveals Ayame with her long hair tied back in a tight bun, who looks at them before giving the man beside her a smoldering look* Your turn to catch, partner.
Narrator: Ayame's partner shuts a folder with a loud smack, revealing Kouga with his hair piled in the usual ponytail. He gave her the kind of look that Miroku gives Sango at times.
Kouga: Yame, can't I just pitch this one to you? My back is killing me, I don't even wanna get up.
Ayame: *glares at him* What, up all night?
Kouga: *glares as well* Yeah. Insomnia is such a bitch
Miroku: *trying hard not to laugh*
Sango: *stifles a smirk* um, hi, we have some information on the disappearance of a woman named Kikyo
Ayame: The stripper we collared for prostitution once?
Sango: she did used to be a stripper, to my knowledge. She disappeared about a month ago and we think we know who did it
Kouga: Strippers...
Ayame: *gives him dead-eyed stare* What about those floozies?
Sango: well, we think one of them killed Kikyo. One named Kagome Higurashi
Kouga: *sneakily looks away* They both certainly sound like whores.
Ayame: Didn't we also collar a Higurashi on an arson charge?
Kouga: But her shitty lawyer bailed her out almost immediately
Miroku: Arson, too? Damn, Kagome really gets around in this universe
Sango: *smacks him on the chest*
Kouga: She's been charged in just about everything besides murder and prostitution. It seems that even though she's clearly not right in the head, she has limits...
Ayame: The last time we collared her, she said if you even came near her, she'd stab you in the nuts, cut them off and make you drink them in a ballsack flavored smoothie.
Kouga and Miroku: *shiver*
Sango: I think murder is about to be added to her list. See, we know Kikyo had threatened to kill a stripper whose name started with K. There are a lot of those, but the strip joint's owner told us that all of them had been working during the time of Kikyo's disappearance...all but two: Kagome and Kirara, roommates and best buds. AND Kagome has motive because Kikyo was the ex of her current boyfriend, Inuyasha. There really aren't any other reasonable suspects
Kouga: I thought she went flight risk mode and ran to her parents' house?
Ayame: She said that the next time we'd see her it would be at our funerals...
Kouga: I'm not even going to go into that
Sango: I guess that's the only thing we need to confirm. We need to catch her in a lie.
Miroku: And how are we going to do that? I'd rather her not pull her gun on me again.
Kouga: She did that to us too. You're not alone
Kouga: She did that to us too. You're not alone
Ayame: I kind of wanted to break her fucking hands. At least then she wouldn't be able to finger that goddamn trigger
Kouga: You sure seem to know a lot about "fingering"
Ayame: *oblivious* I'm the Queen of fingering
Miroku: *whispering* Jesus Christ
Kouga: Is that so?
Sango: sheesh, seems like neither of you is in need of any strippers
Kouga: Why would we? *looks shiftily out the window*
Sango: *stares suspiciously* you wouldn't...we should really call Inuyasha and find out whether Kagome was lying about going to that reunion
Miroku: *salutes* Righto. Goodbye, partners who are so obviously filled with sexual tension.
Miroku: *strolls out and dodges a book Kouga throws*
Sango: that made a surprisingly large amount of sense...Koga did seem a tad suspicious though
Miroku: Maybe he knows something about strippers? I wouldn't put it past Kagome to also blackmail people
Sango: he always did have a thing for Kagome...holy shit...
Miroku: What?
Sango: what if Koga and Kagome had a...thing...while Koga and Ayame also have a thing and he doesn't want to let on?
Miroku: Last I checked, Kagome wasn't into guys that dense.
Miroku: Occasionally stupid and emotionally repressed, yes.
Sango: that wouldn't matter if he had hired her
Miroku: What if it were Kirara
Miroku: Kirara doesn't have any inhibitions.
Sango: Koga would definitely go for Kagome, though, and Kagome would totally blackmail him to save her own ass
Miroku: Maybeee
Sango: do you think Kirara was involved in Kikyo's disappearance? She was part of Kagome's lie
Miroku: Possibly. If Kagome did murder her-and that's almost definitely what happened-then she'd have Kirara help her hide the body
Sango: that makes sense...shit, what if they lied to Inuyasha too?
Miroku: Again, wouldn't surprise me
Sango: if Inuyasha thinks Kagome went to the reunion, then we'd have to find out from someone who would know...
Miroku: Who could we ask that wouldn't snitch to the nutjobs?
Sango: well, if there actually had been a family reunion, who would know? Kagome's family
Sango: I'm sure we can find her parents' address somewhere?
Miroku: If only the Internet still existed
Sango: you know what they had before the internet? Telephone books
Miroku: Aww man
Sango: looks like we gotta look up Higurashi shrine
Narrator: after some tedious research, the two sleuths caught a cab to the nearby countryside where Kagome's mother and father lived
Miroku: *knocks on the door* What do you think they're like?
Sango: in our universe, Kagome's mother is a sweet woman...I never met her father, though
Miroku: Didn't she say someone beat him to death with a breadstick?
Sango: *opens mouth to say something but comes up with nothing*
Kagome's mom, named Aisakurako: *wearing a knee-length dress and an apron; opens the door, surprised* oh, hello, can I help you two?
Miroku: Hello, ma'am. My name is Miroku Houshi and this is my partner, Sango Taijiya. We're private investigators
Sango: we were hoping we could ask you a few questions about your daughter. She may be involved in some trouble
Sango: *whispers to Miroku* you used our professions as last names? Really?
Aisakurako: oh, of course, I hope she's alright. I worry about her all the time. Please, come in
Kagome's father, who is a strong, large man with a perfect 'disappointed father' face: Doesn't surprise me. Why couldn't she just finish school and do something respectable instead of parading herself around like a harlot?
Aisakurako: Darling please, we have guests.
Kagome's father: Sakura, stop talking. How long until dinner?
Aisakurako: not long, dear. I'll finish it up after our guests leave
Kagome's father: I really think my dinner is more important than some amateur detectives
Miroku: *whispering* Ouch.
Sango: it won't take long. We wanted to know if there had been a Higurashi family reunion about a month ago?
Aisakurako: oh, yes, the first one in a long time. It was a nice little celebration
Kagome's father: Thank god the little disappointment didn't show up.
Aisakurako: Dear, that isn't nice. She's our daughter
Kagome's father: I don't care Midori. And no, she wasn't. The only good child in this family is Souta. At least he's doing something respectable with his life.
Sango: so there was one? But Kagome wasn't there?
Aisakurako: *to Sango* Kagome couldn't make it, she had to work
Kagome's father: If you call that work
Sango: thank you, Mrs. Higurashi. That's all we need
Kagome's father: Then leave. I'm starving.
Miroku and Sango: *leave*
Miroku: Well, isn't he just a bucket of sunshine and rainbows.
Sango: I think Kagome takes more after him than he'd like...poor Midori...at least we got the information we needed
Miroku: Let's go
Sango: back to the flirtatious police?
Miroku: I think I've had enough innuendos and sexualized speech for a while
Sango: shocker. But we can't just barge in and arrest her ourselves
Miroku: Oh no, we'd definitely be killed that way. And I'd much rather live through this messed up debacle long enough to make it back to precious Aiko.
Sango: then...where to?
Miroku: ...talk to someone else?
Sango: I think we have all the evidence we need...although it might not be enough to hold up in court...maybe there's a witness?
Miroku: Perhaps, or at least someone who was told.
Miroku: Perhaps, or at least someone who was told.
Sango: ...I bet Kirara has a boyfriend
Miroku: ...Wait, didn't our Kirara have a thing for our Shippo once?
Sango: who's the one person she'd go after if there was no one to stop her? Definitely Shippo
Miroku: Watch your step, lo-oh, too late
Sango: *goes flying onto the pavement*
Miroku: Are you okay?
Sango: *scoffs* why wouldn't I be?
Miroku: *offers her his hand*
Sango: *hesitates but uses it to pull herself up and dusts herself off* thanks. These heels aren't exactly fit for detective work
Miroku: Of course
Miroku: Now, I do think Kirara would go for Shippo, provided he's not extremely jailbait
Miroku: At least physically.
Sango: hopefully he's in an adult form...*shudders* but we'll have to find him
Miroku: Oh definitely. Kirara would tell him probably anything. Even shit I don't want to know.
Sango: and Shippo isn't exactly the best at keeping secrets
Miroku: Not like he ever has been
Sango: back to the white pages?
Miroku: Better than yellow pages
Narrator: and so they find Shippo's place of residence...which just so happens to be a shitty apartment...across the hall from Kagome and Kirara
Miroku: Oh hell
Sango: let's hope chance is on our side... *knocks on Shippo's door*
Shippo: *opens the door* Yeah?
Miroku: *wheezes*
Sango: *starts coughing*
Narrator: Shippo isn't how he looked in their universe. He's tall and muscled with tattoos and piercings. He also has a nose piercing and a tongue ring when he opens his mouth
Narrator: Definitely the perfect partner for a stripperific Kirara.
Miroku: Shippo, right? We're private investigators. You're not in trouble, we've just come to ask you a few questions
Shippo: What for?
Sango: may we come in?
Shippo: *eyes her distrustfully but lets them in*
Sango: *sits on couch, glad to be away from potentially running into the crazy neighbors* thank you. We're investigating the death of Kikyo
Shippo: Oh. Hooker woman. Yeah, my girlfriend used to always bitch about her
Sango: has your girlfriend mentioned anything important about her?
Shippo: Just that she was a crazy, obsessed stalker
Miroku: did they interact much?
Shippo: Enough to hate each other
Sango: do you think your girlfriend would ever do anything to harm Kikyo?
Shippo: Besides threatening? Not really. My girl is a psycho, but she just takes it out on me. *turns around and yanks the back of his shirt up to reveal a shitload of angry, red scratches among his tattoos*
Sango: *gasps* it seems like she's capable of violence
Shippo: Just against me, occasionally. She's a freak in the sack. Takes her violence out on me.
Sango: do you enjoy being treated like this?
Shippo: *grins* Sure. I think it's hot
Miroku: *facepalms*
Shippo: Now...If we're done, I got some shit to do. Literally.
Miroku: Gross man.
Sango: okay, look, we have good reason to believe that Kirara is involved in Kikyo's murder. We already know that Kagome killed her, and we know that Kirara probably knows, which means that she may have told you some of the gory details. We just need a witness so that justice can be served. If you tell us, we won't lock you up for withholding information, but if you lie to us you could be facing some serious jail time
Shippo: *stares at her for several long seconds and then starts laughing*
Sango: *slams palms on the table and stands up* listen up, you little twat, I can beat you to a pulp right now if I have to. I'm not playing around. Cave. You know you want to. You know you're tired of keeping that secret your girlfriend mentioned to you like it was nothing. It's been eating you up inside. You know you've just been dying to blurt out every little detail
Shippo: *just keeps laughing*
Shippo: Listen lady, my girl is a psychopath, but she ain't no murderer and she don't help them either.
Shippo: And even if my girl did kill someone or at least help, why would I tell you? I wouldn't really care about going to prison, it wouldn't affect me.
Miroku: *pulls giant rainbow lollipop out of nowhere* want this?
Shippo: *now struggling a bit* No
Miroku: it has twelve different flavors...1200 grams of sugar...
Shippo: *thinking* Shitfuck...
Shippo: Who the hell cares about sugar?
Shippo: I'm diabetic, anyway. That much sugar would kill me
Miroku: the papers are saying it's the best experience in the history of all candy...and it wouldn't be easy to find another, either; they stopped making them
Shippo: Are you deaf? I just said I'm diabetic
Miroku: that's a real shame...I guess I'll just have to throw it out, I guess...I don't know anyone else who would want it
Shippo: Doesn't bother me. I know something I can eat that won't put me in a coma or kill me.
Miroku: *thinking* Oh my god
Sango: it's alright, Miroku; let's just go knock on the door across the hall. Maybe Kirara would want it. We should probably go talk to her, anyways
Miroku: Good idea
Shippo: *slams front door shut with a deadly glare* Try it.
Sango: *smirks and crosses arms* Tell us what we need to know
Shippo: How about I sling you out the nearest window?
Sango: ooh, I reeeally don't think that would go over well for you
Miroku: dude, one time she single-handedly killed seven guys in less than five minutes. Don't try it
Shippo: Then shouldn't she be interrogated or at the very least sent to the chair?
Sango: it was self-defense. And don't change the subject. This is about your fate
Shippo: What fate. Not like I care
Shippo: *moves shirt to reveal a gun* But I can promise you that if you bring my girl into this, I will care about her fate. Stay away from her or things can get pretty complicated.
Sango: why are you so worried about Kirara's fate if she's innocent?
Shippo: I just don't want piggies snooping around in her business. I don't ask, she don't tell. It's a good deal.
Kirara: *from the doorway* What the hell are you doing talking to my fucking boyfriend?
Kagome: *raising an eyebrow from behind Kirara, wearing a really short skirt and a crop top with thigh highs, all underneath a trench coat*
Miroku: your boyfriend almost gave you up for a lollipop
Kirara: Gave me up for what? Adoption?
Kagome: *snorts*
Sango: nah, just to the authorities for assisting in Kikyo's murder
Kirara: The desperate whore is actually dead?
Kirara and Kagome: *high five* Thank the fucking gods.
Miroku: Miss Higurashi, where were you the night she went missing?
Kagome: *turns red*
Kirara: *looks at her*
Sango: we know you weren't at a family reunion. Your mother is pretty sad that she hasn't seen you in a while
Kagome: I didn't go because I didn't feel like listening to my father bitch at me for being a stripper. If you must know, that night I was getting a pregnancy test, whore
Sango: can you prove that?
Kagome: *reaches into purse, pulls out real official-looking documents with a doctor's shitty handwriting on it and throws it at her face* Satisfied, you sanctimonious bitch?
Miroku: Kirara? Where were you?
Kirara: A colonic. And then getting my asshole bleached.
Kirara: Want the receipt and pictures? *opens her purse*
Sango: why the fuck do you just have those on hand...
Shippo: I give her money to get her ass bleached, you think I want her spending it on clothes or some shit? Of course I want a receipt and pictures
Sango: *thinking* Kagome, what's your doctor's name?
Kagome: Doctor None of Your Fucking Business
Sango: It's written right here, whatever fake name you came up with. But I want you to tell me what it is without looking
Kagome: You think I can actually read that? Did you forget I didn't go to high school? I barely graduated middle school
Sango: it's printed, and it's pretty simple. If you can't read this then that's a whole other issue
Kagome: *red* No, I actually can't fucking read it. Not only did I not finish high school, all the words keep switching around
Miroku: *whispering to Sango* Think she's dyslexic?
Sango: *whispers back* it's not far-fetched, even if she's lying
Sango: even if you can't read it, surely your doctor told you their name?
Kagome: Ever thought of them not being Japanese or not speaking it? He spoke with a really weird accent.
Kirara: I think it was like gratuitous English
Kagome: Yeah, I don't know what that means, LALA
Kirara: It means they speak like they took too much crack and had a bad reaction to it
Kagome: Oh.
Sango: *grins* enough, ladies. I have all I need to know
Miroku: but Sango she didn't tell you anything
Sango: she said he. But these papers say that her doctor is a woman
Shippo: If you're done, get the hell out. *stomps on floor and a trapdoor opens under the two of them*
Miroku: owwww
Sango: *dusts herself off* why didn't he just do that earlier...also where are we?
Miroku: *looks around* Well I didn't expect that
Sango: get up, you big baby. We have to find a way out of here and back to the police station
Miroku: *hauls himself up*
Mysterious voice: Hey baby
Sango: I do not like that sound...
Miroku: *turns around and chokes violently*
Sango: babe? *turns around* oh...shit
Narrator: It looks like Sango and Miroku were dropped into Natalie's sex lair. Uh ohh.
Miroku: this is not what I imagined the final battle with Naraku would be like...at all...
Natalie: Come closer, babycakes
Sango: I don't see an easy escape...we're gonna have to fight her...
Miroku: with what?!
Sango: uhhh *pulls gun out of her bra* with this?
Miroku: what?! Sango! Do you even know how to use that thing?!
Sango: actually...no, I don't
Miroku: Great. *whips a switchblade out of his pocket*
Sango: where the hell did you get that?!
Miroku: I have no idea
Sango: I know the feeling. Okay, uh, *flips some random switches on the gun* should I try it? I feel like that little knife won't do much
Miroku: *secretly thinking that Sango with a gun might not be the best idea but not willing to die for his opinion*
Sango: *thinking that she could actually probably do better with the knife than the gun but also knowing she probably looks hawt as fucc and if she could get it to work properly she might actually kill Naraku*
Miroku: Naraku, I advise you to surrender. She turned the Band of Seven into the Band of One Half
Natalie: My name is Natalie, Babycakes!
Miroku: *visibly gags*
Sango: *pulls the trigger and ends up shooting Natalie right in the heart because this is, in fact, pretty much just a movie so it all works out with little effort or sense*
Miroku: *praying in garbled Japanese and Italian again* Please don't shoot me, please don't shoot me.
The door that Natalie stood in front of: *bursts open to reveal Ayame and Kouga*
Ayame: This cherry's been picked!
((Fire: Well shit, that's real subtle...
Kouga: A lot more blood though
Sango: *on the ground, staring dizzily at the ground* Kagome trapped us down here...and this monstrosity attacked us...
Ayame: And...*looks at Kouga* What the hell sex is this?
Kouga: *inspects* Female? ...Wait no, male? Shit that can't be right. Know what? I don't fucking know.
Kouga: Whatever, The bitch is dead.
Ayame: You said it. Someone call the coroner.
Sango: amen to that *stands up and blows her hair out of her face with a puff of air*
Miroku: *sees sparkles flying off of Sango's hair* Ohmygod I'm married to a goddess
Sango: *notices him staring at her and does that anime flinch that makes everything spiky before returning to normal and ignoring it* we should really get out of here...how did you two find us, anyway?
Kouga: Followed the scent of too much perfume, perversion, and desperate whore
Ayame: It was easy to find
Miroku: speaking of whores
Sango: *coughs*
Miroku: Kagome and Kirara might try to escape we should really go catch them
Ayame: Them? You do know they're kind of sleeper agents right?
Sango and Miroku: *blink* what?
Kouga: *nods* Yeah. We knew that whore *points at Natalie* was who really killed the other stripper, cause motive was beauty and jealousy. We needed those two assholes to do their jobs.
Kagome: *standing in the doorway from behind Kouga, holding suspicious-looking pictures of her apparently giving Kouga a lap dance*
Kagome: *hides the pictures as Ayame turns around*
Sango: but...Kagome faked her alibi...twice
Kirara: Hey, where's our money?
Kouga: *sighs and hands them two briefcases with combination locks and handcuffs them to the cases*
Kagome: *used to handcuffs and shrugs* I've done worse with handcuffs
Kirara: Same. Shippo likes it
Shippo: *also from the doorway* I told you my girl was into some freaky shit.
Sango: you two are liars and you know it! How dare you! How can you lie to Inuyasha like that?!
Miroku: *puts his arm around Sango's shoulders to calm her*
Kagome: Lie about what? I never said I killed the bitch. I said she tried to kill me
Kagome: Besides, I lured you into thinking I was the killer, drawing your attention from the real culprit.
Kirara: Did you know her own family doesn't know she's technically an agent? They think she's just a stripper
Kagome: A well-paid one too
Miroku: if you wanted to catch the killer, why didn't you help us instead of leading us on the wrong path?
Kagome: Because. Logic.
Sango: you have no logic
Kouga: Meaning she doesn't have an answer to that
Kagome: *secretly flashes the pictures once more and he turns pale*\
Miroku: *hugs Sango to his chest and whispers* they got us this time, San. We'll get 'em next time
Sango: *whispers* what do you mean next time?
Yashie: *walks in* Why is everything black and white?
Kagome: Babe?
Yashie: *eyes her up and down* WHY THE HELL DO YOU LOOK LIKE A WHORE
Kagome: *frowns*
Miroku: *eyes widen* oh shit
Kirara: *hands Kagome something with a smirk*
Kagome: *smirks*
Kagome: *drags Yashie to the bathroom, locks the door*
Yashie: Why are you taking my clothes off? NO NO NO NO-AHHH!
Kagome: *walks out with a brilliant smirk on her face*
Yashie: *walks out like a Weeble Wobble looking very traumatized* She...she put the damn thing on the ground and made me Sit onto it...
Miroku: Don't you think this has gone on for too long?
Yashie: I don't even know what happened or where I am
That portal Sango originally cannonballed into: *opens*
Yashie: Oh thank god
Miroku: Is that our ticket home?
Kirara: *too busy shoving Shippo against a wall and doing some things that should stay in their apartment*
Kouga and Ayame: *red faced*
Ayame: How bold.
Sango: *looks back at everyone in the black and white universe* let's go. Justice can't be served here
Miroku, Sango, and Yashie: *jump into the portal without looking back*
Kagome: *back to "normal" and cackling into the cauldron* BUBBLE BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE!
-TO BE CONTINUED-