Chapter 56: Yes, Satan?
Starting from the end of chapter 54...
Kagome: Hmmm...they've been in there a while...
Shippo: You promised Daddy would come back
Kagome: I know that. I still need him, or else who will I occasionally dildo?
Shippo: What's a dildo?
Kagome: Shut up
Kagome: *starts messing with the cauldron again; pouring vaguely labeled potions in it*
Shippo: *watches his mother with worry* Is that a good idea?
Kagome: *grins maniacally* Prolly not
Shippo: *begins praying*
Magical portal: *starts shooting spikes of electricity and making staticky noises*
Aiko: *eyes shimmer like literal stars*
Kagome: *lets out insane cackle*
Kagome: *back to "normal" and cackling into the cauldron* BUBBLE BUBBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE!
Aiko: *claps at the pretty lights*
Shippo: *hides behind the couch but can't help but watch*
Narrator: Now Kagome has opened a portal either to hell or wherever Inuyasha went
Narrator: Which again, could be hell
Sango, Miroku and Inuyasha: *all tumble out of the portal into a pile on the floor at Kagome's feet*
Kagome: Nice of you to "drop in"
Shippo: *snickers from under the couch*
Miroku: *groans and springs up* Is everything back to normal?
Sango: *cracks neck really loudly* well let's see...Kagome looks like she's been laughing maniacally...
Miroku: *takes in Kagome's appearance which lacks the tattoos, immense amount of piercings and provocative clothing*
Miroku: *immediately tears up* THANK GOD
Yashie: Oh thank ramen you aren't dressed like a whore anymore
Kagome: Uh-huh, uh-huh, and why is there a dildo up your ass? Did you develop a fetish from trauma?
Shippo: DADDY
Aiko: *levitates around Yashie and starts clapping her hands excitedly*
Miroku: Precious baby! *squeals like a girl and opens his arms*
Sango: *slightly dissociating*
Shippo: where were you guys?
Miroku: The seventh circle of hell
Yashie: It was black and white
Sango: I had a badass outfit and a gun and everything worked somewhat perfectly
Miroku: Naraku was a woman named Natalie who was also a really bad stripper
Miroku: SANGO SHOT HER
Sango: HELL YEAH I DID
Miroku: Also, we were detectives, Kouga and Ayame were police partners with seriously bad sexual tension and Midoriko was like a Madam
Miroku: Oh and Shippo was terrifying
Sango: shippo was...the worst...I much prefer him this way
Miroku: Oh and Kagome's father was disappointed that she was a stripper and her mom was nice as ever
Sango: he was also a complete dickhole
Kagome: I'm sorry, what?!
Kagome: My dad was beat to death with a fucking breadstick, idiot. You've been to his goddamn grave.
Sango: no no, it was some kind of parallel universe where we were all in an old school detective movie
Kagome: And what role did I play?
Miroku: *looks at Sango* are you gonna tell her? Cuz I think I should stay out of this one
Sango: *looks back at him with a guilty smile*
Miroku: Inuyasha's girlfriend, a stripper, Kirara's roommate-she's a stripper too-oh and you were the number one suspect in Kikyo's murder
Sango: I think Kirara is the only one who actually fit in her role...
Miroku: But then we were told by Kouga and Ayame that Natalie was the one who killed Kikyo
Sango: but it wasn't Natalie, they were lying to us
Kagome: What else happened there, Miroku?
Miroku: I ate the best KitKat I've ever had
Miroku: Oh and the sexually frustrated cops said that you and Kirara were sleeper agents and were pretending to be suspects
Sango: but stripper Kagome was blackmailing Koga into lying for her
Miroku: And Kagome had a fake alibi of a doctor visit for like I dunno, pregnancy or whatever it was while Kirara had gotten a colonic and then her ass bleached
Kagome: Gross
Kagome: And I knew I'd blackmail him for something, but not murder worthy. More like a poker debt
Sango: She couldn't get her story straight and ended up getting around the law in the end, even though she obviously killed Kikyo
Miroku: She showed him a picture of her giving him a lap dance and hid it whenever Ayame turned around
Miroku: Oh and Kirara and Shippo began publicly having sex in front of all of us which is when we left
Shippo: the hot lady and I were smooching?
Sango: you looked much older, Shippo...but it was still disgusting
Miroku: There was tongue and everything
Kagome: I was a stripper once I think.
Miroku: Come again?
Sango: hold up, um, what?
Yashie: *has just been staring at Kagome this whole time* you...were a stripper?
Kagome: I had to pay my own tuition for high school. Duh.
Sango: I never even went to high school...
Kagome: *giving off just a bit of sarcasm but not much since she's kind of tired* Right, you just spent your entire childhood in what was essentially solitude, learning how to fucking decapitate demons with your giant banana.
Sango: And yet I'm still better at algebra than you are...
Kagome: Shut up. I know a fuck load of spells and I wouldn't think twice about making your life a literal magical hell
Kagome: You think the past has been bad? That isn't anything compared to what I could do
Sango: I'm better at murdering people than you, so let's call it even
Kagome: You didn't see what I did in the airport or the French museum, did you
Sango: Yeeeeah whatever you say Kagz
Miroku: hey, guys?
Miroku: shouldn't we do something about the bubbling magic cauldron over there? And the portal that looks like it's going to cause the universe to collapse?
Magic portal: *sparks flying everywhere*
Kagome: *walks over to the cauldron, kicks it, and chucks the bubbling concoction into the portal*
Portal: *makes a demonic screeching sound, spits lightning and then bursts, sending purple liquid everywhere*
Sango: *covered in purple goo, wincing, eyes clenched* I think it's time to go home now
Kagome: Is this Jaken's blood? *sniffs her purple covered arm* Smells like blood and Jaken...RIN! DID YOU THROW JAKEN IN MY CAULDRON?!
Miroku: DON'T SAY HER NAME GODDAMNIT~
Rin: SHUT THE ****ING **** UP YOU LITTLE *****!
Sesshy: RIN!
Kagome: I WILL AXE YOU, YOU NEKO TYKE!
Sango: I wouldn't have thought tiny Jaken could produce this much blood...
Kagome: Who knew
Aiko: *wipes liquid off her face and starts making angry goblin noises*
Yashie: Don't you dare become possessed again
Aiko: *points at Rin ominously*
Yashie: Kagome, make her stop
Kagome: Missy, you put that finger down right the fuck now or so help me
Aiko: *very slowly levitates closer to Rin*
Kagome: I said SO HELP ME!
Narrator: As soon as she says this, lightning flashes and thunder cracks ominously*
Kagome: Aiko, *raspy voice* I am your mother
Aiko: *squeaks, starts giggling maniacally and clapping once more, confetti falling from her mouth*
Sango: and suddenly it's pouring down rain outside...so it looks like we're stuck here...
Miroku: romantic, isn't it?
Sango: are you paying any attention?
Yashie: *in the corner and praying again*
Miroku: Aiko, will you help me in the kitchen?
Aiko: *nods head vigorously, suddenly no longer interested in revenge, and follows Miroku to the kitchen, still levitating*
Yashie: I need a drink
Kagome: *pauses and farts and a bottle appears in Yashie's hand* WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Yashie: holy shit! Rin kept her promise! *starts chugging liquor*
Rin: Well Shippo, you got what you wanted. She kept her fart gift ability.
Shippo: Yay!
Kagome: Say what now?
Sango: I need a drink...
Kagome: *farts once more and a strawberry margarita appears in Sango's hand*
Kagome: SON OF A FUCK
Sango: I'm slightly concerned...but...*shrugs and takes a sip* my new favorite beverage is magic
Kagome: I need a drink.
Kagome: *pauses and farts a third and final time and a mixed cocktail of some kind appears in her hand*
Kagome: *shrugs and begins chugging it like it's a sport*
Miroku: *returns balancing a tray of hot cocoa with Aiko sitting in the middle* whoooo wants- well I see you've all got it covered...
Miroku: *deflates*
Kagome: *puts down her cocktail and grabs a mug* You made an effort
Miroku: *thinking* Is she being nice for once?
Aiko: *drinks an entire mug full that is obviously steaming hot*
Kagome: Well then. I suppose my daughter IS the spawn of Satan...
Yashie: But your name isn't Satan.
Miroku: Oooooooooooooooh
Miroku: I made a special one for you, Sango
Sango: oh?
Miroku: it's spiked...I thought you might need it...though you seem to have gotten that bit covered as well
Sango: *immediately grabs Miroku's face and plants a kiss* eh, I'd rather have one made with love than with magical farting abilities
Aiko: *starts on her second mug*
Sango: that baby is gonna need a hell of a diaper change
Kagome: *glares at Inuyasha and finishes her mug before resuming her cocktail drink*
Kagome: NOT IT
Yashie: NOT IT
Shippo: Not it?
Rin: NOT IT
Sango: HA you know I'm not doing it
Miroku: NOT IT
Sesshy: I do not clean babes. I declare, 'not it'
Miroku: oooooh I think that one goes to Sesshy
Kirara: *walks in* What's everyone going on about?
Sesshy: No, she has to. *points at Kirara*
Kirara: Huh?
Kirara: *in the doorway* what's going on?
Kagome: You didn't say 'not it' in time. Therefore you'll have to clean Aiko's diaper when it's time
Kirara: *blinks* HELL NO
Kagome: *magically slams and locks the door before she can leave*
Kagome: Too late now. And that magic is impenetrable
Sango: *turns toward Kagome slowly* NOW YOU'VE TRAPPED US ALL IN HERE?!
Kagome: No
Sango: explain yourself
Kagome: *snaps her fingers and Miroku disappears for ten seconds and then reappears*
Sango: what are you doing to my husband?!
Kagome: It's only binding to whoever I want it to bind
Kagome: So everyone besides Kirara is safe to leave
Miroku: *looks completely traumatized*
Yashie: You okay there, buddy?
Miroku: I think that's fairly accurate
Sango: where the hell did you put him for ten seconds?
Yashie: Don't tell me you actually sent him to hell...did you?
Kagome: No!..At least, I don't think I did
Miroku: I saw...him...
Sango: who?
Yashie: Satan?
Sesshy: Yes?
Miroku: the boi
Miroku: I saw him
Kagome: Did you have another stroke?
Miroku: *suddenly hugs Sango really tightly and starts sobbing*
Sango: oookay, we're gonna deal with this one later...I don't think he's stable enough right now...
Aiko: *now angry that her new best friend is upset and causes another lightning strike paired with thunder*
Yashie: *mumbles something about having sensitive ears and hating storms*
Kagome: *shoves thick cotton balls in his ears, telling him to shut up*