Chapter 57: Raspy Voices and Illegal Choices
Narrator: And now, at a random fancy restaurant!
Sango: Miroku, I understand you wanted to take everyone out for a nice meal...but did you really have to dress like a billionaire pimped out mad hatter?
Miroku: my publicist said it was stylish!
Kagome: Your publicist needs to be fired
Kagome: And possibly tortured.
Kagome: Remind me, how did you manage to pay for this?
Yashie: *is curious too but too busy making sure Aiko doesn't make a mess and Shippo is just coloring*
Miroku: I'm afraid I cannot discuss the details of my business
Kagome: Is this related to that Kansuke thing?
Waiter: Good evening, everyone. My name is Aaron and I'll be your server tonight. Can I get you anything to drink? *holds out pen and pad*
Sango: *claps menu shut with a smirk* I'll have a cum, please
Miroku: *spits out water from the fancy water glasses that were already at the tables which he had been chugging because he's been incredibly thirsty*
Waiter: I-I'm sorry?
Sango: did I stutter? Come on, don't tell me you've never heard of it
Kagome: I'll have cum too. *looks down* Nevermind, I have some.
Yashie: *red faced and sputtering*
Miroku: *in the process of drinking more water which immediately dribbles right back out of his mouth and into the glass as he looks up*
Aiko: *giggles at her funny friend*
Kagome: *pulls herself up from under the table and sits down in her seat once again, dabbing her lips with a napkin and straightening her hair* You should know that a cum is coke and rum.
Miroku: *wipes mouth and clears throat, cheeks still flushed* I'll have the same as my lovely wife then, thank you
Waiter: *writes down the orders before speeding away with a red face*
Miroku: Kagome, could you please NOT suck your husband/mate off in the middle of a busy restaurant?
Shippo: What's that mean?
Kagome: Nothing.
Miroku: *leans over and whispers to Sango* you know, if you wanted cum, I could just give you some
Kagome, glaring at Miroku: It means absolutely nothing, Shippo. Miroku just had a stroke and mispronounced something
Sango: *digs her fingernails into his thigh and changes the subject* SO, speaking of your lovely wife, Miroku, when are we having our wedding?
Kagome: I call being the Maid of Honor
Miroku: our what now?
Kagome: Vegas weddings aren't technically real weddings. I mean yeah, they are if you have someone to really officiate it but...uhh...good luck with that.
Sango: mhm, and you promised me a real wedding, so we'd better start planning
Kagome: Make her happy, lecher
Kagome: Or you will suffer
Miroku: okay, okay! When would you like to be married?
Sango: *pulls out a pamphlet* one month from tomorrow at this location
Kagome, whistling: Damn girl, you got this all planned out
Yashie: Christ
Kagome: Hush. Let her have her moment
Miroku: *blinks* well...uh...
Sango: *raises an eyebrow* yes?
Kagome: Uh oh
Miroku: this looks amazing! And we can have a shrimp buffet and an open bar and there are so many flowers and everyone can wear colorful clothing and we'll have our reception in the moonlight under the stars and oH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HONEYMOON SUITE
Kagome: *blinking*
Yashie: *muttering about his sensitive ears*
Kagome: *puts her finger over his mouth, watching with star eyes*
Sango: *stunned* well then...it appears you're more excited than I am...
Miroku: *dazzled* look at these cake selections! I want them all Sango we're having twelve cakes
Kagome: Do you even have enough money for that?
Kagome, a second later: Legal money?
Miroku: Sango we have to get you a dress immediately! What are we doing wasting time in this restaurant let's go!
Sango: woah, woah, Miroku, sit down! Kagome had a valid question...
Miroku: I told you I cannot discuss the details of my business...but if you must know, the wedding will be fully paid for, no problem
Kagome: Is he high?
Kagome: *lightly kicks his shoe from under the table*
Miroku: I AM MERELY A MAN IN LOVE
Kagome: You're gonna get us kicked out if you don't keep it down.
Kagome: And then you can't romantically propose to Sango in a beautiful restaurant
Miroku: *starts chugging more water*
Kagome: And, oh, look! We're in a beautiful restaurant!
Miroku: I already proposed to Sango!
Kagome: ROMANTICALLY
Kagome: Either profess your undying love for her on your knees in this restaurant or while standing over the bloody corpse of a demon she exterminated
Miroku: well it isn't gonna be romantic now!
Kagome: *kicks him harder from underneath the table and gestures for him to look down*
Miroku: huh? *looks down*
Kagome: *sliding a ring box over to him*
Miroku: *stuffs it in his pocket frantically* I HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM *zooms out like the roadrunner*
Kagome: *coughing up dust and glaring*
Kagome: *under her breath* The things I do for those idiots
Sango: where are our drinks...
Sango: I just want some cum
Kagome: Oh, waiter boy! *calls waiter over with delightful smile*
Waiter, a different one: Yes, ma'am?
Kagome: Can you check on our cums?
Waiter: *chokes and turns red* Y-Your what?
Kagome: Did I stutter, sir?
Sango: *loudly enough for Miroku to hear it from the bathroom* I WANT CUM
Old woman: *gasps*
Kagome: And I thought I was brazen
Kagome: *pushing her sleeves up, speaking up loudly* If you want CUM, I'LL GIVE YA CUM!
Sango: YOU BETTER PRODUCE SOME CUM FOR ME
Miroku: *comes tearing out of the bathroom and launches over the table, accidentally kicking Kagome in the head*
Kagome: *clutching her head* SON OF A FUCK
Sango: what the hell, Miroku?!
Miroku: *grasping Sango's hands with wild eyes* If anyone's going to be giving you cum, my love, it'll be ME!
Kagome: *snorts while holding her head*
Sango: we'll see about that. But seriously, where are our drinks?
Kagome: We've now had to ask two different people for cums.
Kagome: I'm gonna Yelp this place. Three fucking stars.
Sango: unless I get some cum in my mouth real soon I'm never coming to this place again
Kagome: *bursts out laughing*
Yashie: Oh shit. The manager dude.
Kagome: *goes oddly silent and is stony faced*
Miroku: guys, please be cool, I'm just trying to take you all out for a nice meal
Kagome: You're the one who launched over the table and loudly proclaimed you'd give Sango cum.
Kagome: Which, by the way, ICK.
Sango: she has a point...
Miroku: you were the one who yelled out that you wanted cum in your mouth!
Kagome: So you're blaming her? Mature.
Miroku: Like you should talk
Kagome: What was that?
Miroku: Nothing. *looks away and mutters under his breath*
Kagome: *gives him a fiery glare*
Miroku: *spots someone across the room* oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit
Sango: what's wrong?
Miroku: he can't see me here...I have to hide...
Miroku: *crawls under the table*
Sango: what the hell have you gotten yourself into?
Miroku: *pokes head out* I cannot discuss the details of my business *proceeds to climb underneath the skirt of Sango's long dress*
Sango: IS THAT WHY YOU MADE ME WEAR THIS THING?!
Sango: I'm not doing this *lifts her skirt but Miroku is gone*
Kagome: *looking underneath the table and Sango's skirt too* What the hell?
Sango: where the hell is my husband?! He can't survive out there on his own...
Kagome: You know he's...ya know? You're right. He can't survive
Kagome: *takes a deep breath*
Yashie: What are you doing?
Kagome: *puts her fingers in her mouth*
Yashie: Oh no
Kagome: *lets out super high-pitched whistle* PERVERT! HERE PERVERT PERVY PERVERT!
Miroku: *shows up across the room in a spotlight wearing a black tux and a rose in his mouth*
Sango: what the hell?!
Miroku: *in a really weird raspy deep voice* Sango...dance with me
Kagome: Hrobfhvd
Yashie: *looks at her worriedly*
Sango: *under her breath* you just had to tell him to propose*
Kagome: I didn't think I'd short circuit his cashew brain.
Sango: *stands up, everyone else in the restaurant silently staring* Miroku, this is ridiculous
Miroku: *strumming the guitar*
Miroku: I love you, bitch. I ain't ever gonna love anyone else...bitch.
Sango: you're an idiot with a guitar...which seems to have come out of nowhere
Kagome: Did your brain finally cease operation?
Shippo: *giggles under his breath* cum out of nowhere
Kagome: Shippo.
Shippo: *looks up and gets a mouth full of vegetables*
Shippo: *starts to muffled cry through the vegetables*
Sango: *cautiously steps closer to Miroku* we're gonna put the guitar down now, okay?
Miroku: *suddenly grabs Sango by the waist and then twirls her around*
Miroku: *suddenly goes Soprano* AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Sango: miROKU NO
Miroku: WILL ALWAYS LOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Sango: GOD FUCKING JESUS WHY
Kagome: *bent over the table laughing her ass off with a red face*
Sango: *grabs Miroku's face in her hands* stop this
Miroku: This one's for you and me! Livin' out our dreams!
Kagome: *suddenly jumps onto the table and bursts into song* AND BABY I'M CUMMIN' LOUDER AND FUCKIN' LONGER TONIGHT!
Sango: PLEASE STOP OH KAMI
Three waiters and one elderly man: *subtly covering their crotches*
Waiter #1: *awkwardly places drinks on the table before running away at top speed, a mysterious stain on the table*
Kagome: Oooooh. So that's how you awkwardly serve someone. You really DO have to have your dick out.
Waiter: *awkwardly refills her water*
Miroku: *puts a hand under Sango's chin, still speaking in a raspy voice* my love...
Sango: Miroku...that voice really creeps me out
Miroku: Sango, I am your fiancé.
Fire: ((He says that in a Darth Vader voice
Fire: ((Darth Daddy
Sango: you haven't even proposed officially yet
Miroku: *gets down on one knee and pulls out the ring Kagome gave him*
Kagome: Thank god.
Kagome: *drags Yashie underneath the long table cloth and then the table starts shaking*
Sango: *smiles* Miroku... *looks down to see the Shikon jewel on her engagement ring* what the fuck where did you get this
Miroku: *freezes in shock* KAGOME!
Sango: Ka...Kagome? WHAT THE HELL KAGOME?!
Table: *jumps violently before Kagome peeks her head out from under the table*
Kagome: You called?
Yashie: *calls out pleadingly* Kagome..!
Sango: why does my engagement ring consist of an all-powerful, prone-to-corruption magical jewel that shouldn't even be here in the first place?
Kagome: *looks back* Whoops. Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen. I have to step back into my office. *ducks back under the cloth and Yashie starts moaning*
Aiko: *burps confetti*
Miroku: I suppose we'll have to figure this out later...but will you marry me?
Sango: you idiot *wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him but only briefly to avoid looking anything like the mess underneath their table*
Kagome and Yashie: *both moaning loudly from under the table*
Restaurant manager: *absolutely horrified* Nicole, call the police
Nicole, the waitress: *rushes to the kitchen to dial the cops*
Sango: Miroku?
Miroku: yes my love?
Sango: we should probably run
Miroku: agreed. *picks her up and carries her away, leaving Kagome and Inuyasha to clean up their own mess...literally*
Narrator: Two hours later!
Restaurant manager: All of you are hereby banned from this establishment for life. As for you two, *watches as a disheveled Kagome and Inuyasha are handcuffed and shoved into police cars*, never EVER come back. At all. If I see you within a hundred feet of my restaurant, I'm calling the police.
Kagome: THE POLICE DON'T SCARE ME. FIGHT ME MAGIC- *gets cut off by the car door slamming shut*