Chapter 59: Finally (il)legal
Sesshomaru: Kagome, if you consume any beverage stronger than water, I will kill you myself
Kagome: *sucking down a strawberry smoothie* Yeah, okay, Fluffy. Stop being such a papa bear. Aren't you her sugar daddy anyway?
Sesshy: *avoids the question* I am responsible for her safety
Kagome: Ergo; her sugar daddy
Yashie: Why is this party murder themed? It looks like a gruesome crime scene
Miroku: Can you spell gruesome?
Yashie: Do you want to know what it's like to have a dildo shoved in your back foot, Miroku?
Sesshomaru: Both of you will cease your nonsense this instant. Kagome, you are to keep your clothes on at all times. Inuyasha, you are to hold your tongue. Miroku, one wrong move and I will remove your hand.
Kagome: Sure thing, sugar bear
Sesshomaru: *hides a gag*
Yashie: *visibly gags*
Sango: *walks over holding a thick red drink with a single eyeball ice cube floating in it and puts the other arm around Sesshomaru's shoulders acting totally casual* come on, Sessh! Lighten up a little!
Everyone: *stares silently for a few seconds*
Sesshomaru: Do not touch me, slayer
Miroku: *crying in the corner*
Miroku: *holding a picture of Sango* Why won't you hold me like that?
Sango: *at miroku* THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU
Sango: *turns back to Sesshomaru and removes arm and takes a sip of her drink* you're no fun at all. I think you need to have some fun
Sesshomaru: Are you intoxicated?
Kagome: *peers questioningly at Sango*
Sango: I think the real question is, why aren't you instoc- intoska- in-tox-o-cated?
Kagome: I never thought she'd be drunk before me
Miroku: even in Vegas you were drunk first...this is puzzling...
Kagome: Exactly. Is she sick?
Sango: well I'm not pregnant! We know that for sure! *giggles and drinks more*
Kagome: Oh hell
Miroku: ...I'll have to investigate this
Sesshomaru: *ignores the display of humanity* everyone, Rin will be arriving in about three minutes, please get yourselves together
Kagome: *sits down with a plop*
Miroku: wow, you're actually listening
Miroku: *feels an urge to write down his observations in a notebook but remembers what happened last time*
Kagome: *gives Miroku a smirk, knowing what he is thinking*
Miroku: *gulps and avoids making eye contact*
Inuyasha: *sits next to Kagome and hands her a drink* I figured you'd order me to get you one of these soon enough
Kagome: What is it?
Inuyasha: probably period blood
Kagome: *spits it out*
Miroku: *sighs as red liquid drops down his face*
Inuyasha: it's probably Rin's period blood, too, considering my crazy half brother
Miroku: oh...so it's probably just a normal drink then...Inuyasha's just overreacting
Kagome: I doubt it
Sango: *plops down next to Miroku* dude they have fried demon drumsticks here! We used to make those all the time in my village
Miroku: I may not know all the ingredients of these drinks, but one of them is definitely alcohol
Kagome: *gnawing on a fried demon drumstick*
Narrator: *the place is suddenly filled with creepy music*
Kagome: *twirling her bloody knife party favor*
Narrator: suddenly everyone gets a chill
Rin: *kicks the door open, wearing a bright yet deep red dress complete with red lipstick, thick eyelashes, and hair curled in a vintage style*
Miroku, whispering: Jesus fuck
Sango: *giggles softly* don't go getting any ideas, mister
Sesshomaru: *forgets everything he was going to say and just stares*
Rin: HELLO PEASANTS!
Sango: *waves with her hand high in the air* HI! YOU'RE SO PRETTY
Kagome: Yeah she's drunk as shit
Miroku: at least she's not being murderous like some people are when drunk...
Yashie: *looks at Kagome*
Kagome: *grins widely and keeps sipping her strawberry smoothie because she doesn't trust the blood drink*
Rin: *walks closer to Sesshomaru* don't you love my dress?! The fabric is infused with real blood!
Kagome: And I'm called dangerous.
Kagome: But Happy Birthday, you psychotic genius
Sesshomaru: that's wonderful, Rin...will you excuse me for a moment
Rin: *frowns* okay...
Sesshomaru: I must check on your cake, that is all *exits*
Sango: oooh, did somebody say cake?! *follows Sesshy out of the room*
Kagome: *snorts*
Miroku: what's so funny?
Kagome: Sango's soooo drunk
Miroku: ah, yes...I suppose that is..amusing...
Kagome: Hell yeah, it is. *holds up phone, ready to record* I missed recording her drunk back in Vegas and I'm not gonna make that mistake again.
Miroku: ...we don't even have pictures from our wedding, do we?
Kagome: We can get new ones
Miroku: oh! Yes! ...if drunk Sango survives the night
Kagome: She'll be fine. Horribly hungover, but fine
Miroku: Right. I'm sure she'll be fine. *remains visibly worried*
Kagome: Relax, you big baby
Miroku: :(((
Rin: so how do you guys like the drinks? The secret ingredient is blood, which you might've guessed, but it's actually the blood of the macabre species of demon, which went extinct centuries ago
Kagome: At least it isn't period blood...
Rin: *laughs heartily like a rich woman in the 30s who owns a mansion, but doesn't say anything else*
Kagome: *pauses and forces Inuyasha to drink it*
Rin: *smiles and watches, but still says nothing*
Kagome: Does it taste like period blood?
Miroku: how would Inuyasha know what period blood tastes like?
Inuyasha: *spits it out on Miroku*
Miroku: *clenches eyes* well I should've seen that coming
Miroku: I could contract a blood-born disease, you two
Rin: I'm glad you are enjoying yourselves *smiles and turns to walk away*
Kagome: She's unusually happy
Miroku: well it is her eighteenth birthday
Kagome: Yeah I know but still
Kagome: Did she take a Valium?
Miroku: she could have taken anything, really. Who knows what kinds of potions she can make, not to mention what Sesshomaru might have stashed at home
Kagome: It's nothin' on what I have stashed
Inuyasha: It's true
Miroku: and I shall remain silent on this issue
Miroku: hey, Sango's been gone awhile...
Sesshomaru: *bursts through from the kitchen sort of wobbly and gets in front of everyone* Attention everyone! We will be serving the cake soon, but first I would like to invite anyone who wants to to speak about my dearest Rin
Kagome:...Is he..?
Yashie:...Can't be...Right?
Miroku: *blinks a couple times* I'm having trouble comprehending reality
Sesshomaru, uncharacteristically: It's hot in here. *strips shirt off*
Rin: *eyes widen, not sure whether to be amused or embarrassed*
Sango: *shouts from the kitchen doorway, giggly* COME ON, SESSHOMARU! DO A SPEECH!
Sesshomaru: *grabs a screechy microphone and composes himself, which really isn't composed at all* my Rin...I remember when she opened her first club at thirteen...*gets louder but more somber as he progresses* and now she's become the most powerful demonic dark magic witch this side of the Atlantic...I couldn't be prouder...she's all grown up, and look at her! Look at this fucking woman!
Kagome: And fucking look at you, drunkard!
Rin: *covering mouth and just staring*
Sesshy: SHUT YOUR MOUTH WOMAN!? I AM MAKING A SPEECHY SPEECH
Sesshy: Hhhhhhhhhh
Kagome: Oh dear god
Sango: You go, Sesshy-Chan! You're a bootiful strong speechist!
Sesshy: YOUR MATE IS A FAILURE OF A MAN
Miroku: Ouch
Sango: *rushes to Miroku's side* Hey! No! Bad! I'll fight you, bitch!
Miroku: hey, woah, calm down Sango
Sango: NO! I'll fight him! I said what I said! BITCH! *starts randomly kicking and punching the air*
Kagome: This is great! *continues recording*
Kagome: I feel like she took some of my hydros
Sesshy: *screams into the mic* WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?
Sango: *somehow as loud as him without the mic* I CALLED YOU A BITCH
Kagome: MORTAL KOMBAT! SLAYER VS DAIYOUKAI! AND FIGHT!
Miroku: Kagome! Even Sango isn't strong enough to defeat Sesshomaru at full power and anger!
Yashie: *helpfully plays the Mortal Kombat theme*
Sango: pfffffft, I can TOTALLY take this drunk bastard
Sesshy: I WILL DESTROY TOU BITCH
Miroku: ...then again, I don't think Sesshomaru trained to fight drunk. Sango on the other hand...well it was a common party activity in her village
Kagome: I saw
Kagome: Sango taught me
Kagome: Drunk brawling is actually fun as hell
Rin: *in tears*
Kagome: Oh shit
Sesshomaru: fuck...Rin, don't cry! I'll sing you a song I'll sing your favorite song
Rin: *looks up, her makeup everywhere*
Sesshy: IM A BARBIE GIRL *hic* IN A BARBIE WORLD~! LIFE IN PLASTIC, ITS FANTASTIC!
Rin: *stops crying*
Kagome: *struggling to breathe and keep her phone steady as she guffaws*
Sango: *forgets her anger and starts clapping along*
Sesshy: *introduces a chainsaw solo*
Rin: *starts laughing*
Kagome: Somehow I saw that coming
Kagome: *pours Sango a bloody mary*
Rin: *continues laughing until she's surrounded by a red glowing aura*
Kagome: Ohh hell
Rin: *the aura grows brighter like fire and the laughing gets louder*
Miroku: *starts praying*
Sango: *eyes shimmering* oooh pretty lights
Sesshomaru: *stops singing* Rin?
Kagome: *slowly slides a new smoothie from under the table*
Rin: *laughter in dual voices, eyes ablaze*
Kagome: *sniffs the blood drink* Did Fluffy dip into my stash?
Rin: *everything around her starts catching on fire*
Kagome: *balks* Yeah, he was in my stash...
Kagome: *looks at her drink and shrugs before downing it in one go* Don't really care what else he must have put in here but hopefully it'll make me hallucinate enough to design a new kitchen...
Miroku: I'm assuming this stash isn't just drugs but...magic of some sorts?
Kagome: A shit ton of magic. *burps lightning* Ooh, that's giving me some heartburn
Yashie: *watching her like a worried mother again*
Kagome: *is on fire but doesn't even blink*
Sesshomaru: *grabs his shirt and drapes it around Rin in a drunk attempt to smother the flame*
Sango: *staring at the pretty light*
Miroku: does somebody need to magic this up?
Kagome: *eyes turn purple* HOLY SHIT THIS KITCHEN IS FUCKING AMAZING AS SHIT
Yashie: Oh my god
Kagome: *staring into space with wide, happy eyes*
Rin: *laughing in dual voices from under the shirt, still on fire*
Miroku: no one's gonna step it up and fix this? Everyone's incapacitated?
Sesshy: *does a backflip and then handstands against the wall and starts to twerk*
Sango: *giggles* Fluffy's THICC
Kagome: *comes out of her haze for a moment* SHAKE THAT ASS, SWEETCHEEKS!
Yashie: *gives her a hurt look* Kagome?!
Rin: STAY OFF OF MY F***ING SUGAR DADDY YOU SLUTS
Miroku: oookay then, time to go *scoops up Sango and runs out of the establishment*
Kirara: *opens the door as Miroku runs past* hey guys, sorry I'm late—
Kirara: *sees Sesshomaru twerking on the wall and falls to the ground with happy tears* THANK YOU GODS
Kagome: *giggles as Yashie carries her out bridal style*
Run: *just starts screaming, still in dual voices*
Sesshy: *goes back to singing as Barbie, still twerking upside down* YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR AND DRESS ME ANYWHERE!
Kagome: *runs back in to continue filming before being dragged out again by Inuyasha*
Rin: *screams at the top of her lungs as the entire establishment is smothered by flames, the framework beginning to crack and implode. The only thing untouched is the cake, which remains in the kitchen and looks suspiciously identical to Jaken's head*