Chapter 60: SO MANY FUCKING WASPS

Miroku: *jolts awake* No! Master Mushin don't touch the marijuana!

Sango: *sits up frantically, hair messy as fuck* what? What is it love? Is there a demon?

Miroku: *pauses his yelling and starts sniffing the air* Is someone in the kitchen? Making pizza?!

Miroku: *jumps out of bed with a baseball bat and a plate*

Sango: LOVE! Calm down! There's nothing in the kitchen—hold on, is it just me or do you hear...buzzing...

Miroku: *cautiously walks down the hall*

Miroku: *feels something on his cheek and smacks it, spattering saimyosho poison all over his face*

Miroku: MY FACE! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE *runs back in the bedroom with demon wasps behind him*

Sango: FUCK *frantically opening the bedroom window*

Miroku: *grabs a broom and tries to play baseball with the bees to get them out of the house*

Kirara: Can you two keep it down? I'm super hungover and the both of you screaming at demon bees isn't helping.

Miroku: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN OUR HOUSE

Miroku: VACATE THE PREMISE N

Sango: WHAT THE HELL HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?!

Kirara: Long enough to know that Roky-bear over there snores like a dying hyena

Kirara: Or a rhino getting a tooth pulled

Sango: WELL- FUCK- COULD YOU AT LEAST HELP US WITH THESE FUCKING WASPS

Kirara: Nah

Miroku: IF YOU WON'T HELP US THEN GET OUT!

Kirara: Psh, fine dickwaffle.

Kirara: And here I was gonna help ya out by telling you that Naraku's spirit is in the kitchen making pizza

Miroku: I KNEW I SMELLED PIZZA

Sango: NOT THIS AGAIN

Kirara: The difference is that he's actually dead and it's just his spirit

Kirara: I recommend calling Kagome in the morning and having her find a priest for you to exorcise the house

Sango: WE CAN'T FUCKING WAIT UNTIL DAYLIGHT LOOK AT THESE FUCKING WASPS

Kirara: Well then slather peanut butter on the walls. They're allergic to peanut butter but love the taste.

Miroku: e-excuse me?

Sango: *narrows eyes* how do you even know this?

Kirara: Cause I've dealt with this before

Sango: did you fuck Naraku afterwards too?

Kirara: Actually I banged Byakuya

Miroku: now is not the time HELP ME WITH THE FUCKING WASPS

Kirara: *opens a jar of peanut butter*

30 out of 140 wasps: *dart into the jar and Kirara shuts the lid*

Kirara: Now just gift it to someone you hate

Miroku: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE HUNDRED TEN WASPS

Kirara: *tosses them two more jars*

Sango: *frantically tries to open them and ends up dropping them both, which roll to opposite sides of the room*

Miroku: *still swinging at the wasps with the broom*

Sango: *scrambles for the jars*

Buzzing: *intensifies*

Sango: *finally gets the jars open and collects most of the wasps*

Miroku: thank fuck

Sango: Miroku... it looks like the skin on your face is...melting...

Miroku: *darts to the mirror and starts screaming*

Sango: CALM DOWN what happened? Did you get stung?

Kirara: I think it's just magic

Kagome: *crawls in the bedroom window* San, do you mind if I use your-OHMYGOD WHAT THE FUCK?!

Sango: *sighs* Miroku has poison all over his face and his skin is melting

Miroku, slurred: Kirara said it may be magic

Kagome: *inspects his face like a detective* It's both magic and poison.

Kagome: *yanks a purple potion bottle out of her bra, uncorks it, and shoves it in Miroku's mouth, holding his lips closed.* Drink.

Miroku: *pushes her away* what's in it?

Kagome: The cure to blindness. It's the goddamn antidote, dimwit. Do you wanna die or be horribly disfigured? No? Then drink, damnit!

Kagome: *shoves the bottle back in his mouth*

Miroku: fuck that tastes amazing

Kagome: You're welcome

Miroku: almost better than between Sango's legs

Kagome: Gross

Sango: *smacks his face where the skin was melting before* seems like it's back to normal

Kagome: That's my sister, jackass. I know you married her but I don't need to hear about your nonexistent sex life

Miroku: are we going to ignore Kirara's warning about Naraku's ghost making pizza in our kitchen?

Kagome: What about Naraku?

Kagome: *sniffing* Do I smell pizza?! *dashes out of the room at top speed*

Sango: KAGOME NO *runs after her*

Miroku: SANGOOOOO *follows*

Kagome: *zips down the steps and into the kitchen, slamming into the fridge* FUCK

Sango: *stops and points at the spectral figure depositing massive amounts of pepperoni*

Kagome: Ow. *sees a spectral Naraku* Son of a fuck

Sango: I think we need to emergency call Gordon Ramsay

Kagome: *whips out phone*

Kagome: Code black

Miroku: what's wrong? Can't handle all the meat?

Kirara: did someone say...meat?

Kagome: *ends call and puts her phone back in her bra*

Sango: *blinks* you have Gordon Ramsay on speed dial?

Kagome: ...Say nothing

Kagome: Or I will kill you myself, idiot sandwich

Naraku: *humming a tune in a minor key while piling on more pepperoni*

Kagome: Can you not?

Naraku: *head snaps to look at her and eyes turn red* excuse me, mortal?

Kagome: *gets surrounded by fire but says nothing* You heard me, bitch. If you're going to make a pizza in someone else's fucking house, at least pay for the ingredients and mental trauma. And Miroku's bee stings.

Naraku: *continues putting on pepperoni while head is still facing Kagome at an unnatural angle*

Kagome: *grins and lights a purple glowing match* Say, Naraku, have you ever seen a spirit burned?

Miroku: Is that even possible?

Kagome: I did years of research, but yes, it is entirely possible with the right ingredients

Naraku: I am no ordinary ghost *finally puts pizza in the oven, which is set to the highest temperature possible*

Kagome: Doesn't matter. I couldn't care less what your orientation is, all ghosts light up the same way, asshat

Sango: HEY here's an idea: no more fire inside my house

Sango's front door: *gets busted open*

Sango: oh hell

Kagome: *grins widely* I'll pay ya back for that

Gordon Ramsay: Jesus fucking Christ, are you trying to resurrect Pele?

Miroku: *whispers to Sango* Pele is the goddess of volcanoes

Kagome: I'd also say he may be trying to force Ares to rise from his sleep but whatever

Kagome: Because I embody the God of War perfectly on my own, so step off, bitch.

Yashie: Where's the lie?

Naraku: watch your tongue, mortal. *takes a massive bite out of another whole rod of pepperoni*

Miroku: *whispers to Sango* how far do you think he could fit that down his throat?

Sango: *whispers back, more angrily than jokingly* I'd rather shove it up his ass

Kagome: I bet I could create a new hole entirely

Kagome: *whips out spiritually laced dagger*

Kagome: Wher'ya want Mr. Stabby, Naraku?

Ramsay: God, that pizza's almost as greasy as your fucking hair

Kagome: One star. *spits out the pizza she'd tried*

Kagome: You can't cook for shit

Sango: Kagome why the fuck would you even try it? You have a child at home. Don't risk your life like that

Ramsay: Your fucking putrid demonic aura brings new meaning to the name Hell's Kitchen. Along with your fucking cooking

Kagome: I don't feel good.

Kagome: *throws up lava*

Sango: NOT ON MY FUCKING TILE FLOORS

Narrator: Everyone watches as the lava spills onto the floor and opens a hole under Naraku

Naraku: *slides down into hole* Whee!

Kagome: ...huh

Sango: MY KITCHEN!

Kagome: *hands her $17,000*

Miroku: *eyes the stacks of money distrustfully*

Kagome: *burps lightning* Yeah, I'm gonna be feeling this for a while.

Ramsay: *shouts down into the hole* what's with all the fucking sausage? Were you trying to make a fucking self portrait?

Kagome: *bursts out laughing*

Kagome: *shouts down the hole* YOU'RE LIKE THE PELE OF ANAL

Kagome: MEANING YOU ARE A GINORMOUS ASSHOLE CUNT BAG

Ramsay: I can't fucking operate in these conditions. I'm out of here. *walks right out the open doorway*

Kagome: And that's the end of that one, it seems. *whips out her phone again*

Kagome: Code Blue. *ends call and shoves phone back in her cleavage*

Sango: *crying into Miroku's arms over her kitchen*

Miroku: *staring at the pretty lava*

Kagome: bitch, did you not see I gave you $17,000 to repair the kitchen?

Sango: THE MAN WHO RENOVATED MY KITCHEN IS DEAD

Kagome: I also snuck in last night and removed the shark pit in the toilet

Miroku: oh thank fuck. You won't believe how many times that thing got me

Kagome: Swinging backyard axe is still there though.

Miroku: we'll make sure to remove it when we have kids

Sango: *starts coughing*

Kagome: Uhhh

Kagome: But we can just bribe Fluffy into giving us the Tenseiga to revive the guy who remodeled your kitchen

Sango: he's been dead for years! It's too late to revive him!

Kagome: Not true. I revived one of my old pets from when I was like four.

Kagome: *shows a black cat with a scorched tail, meowing innocently*

Miroku: Why is her tail scorched?

Kagome: She got a little too close when Dad was teaching me some spells

Kagome: Anyway! To Fluffy's!