Chapter 47: Lies, lies, lies
'If you don't tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.'
-Virginia Woolf
Author notes: Come visit me on Tumblr! https//jonsa1
Her hands were shaking as she got on her knees and picked up the journal. Tears blurred her vision as she opened it up. She needed to see for herself what he was talking about. She didn't understand what the hell is going on.
Her hormones were making her overly emotional, but she was afraid. She was going to lose her husband and her daughter. They were going to send her away to God knows where. She would raise her baby alone. That's if Joel didn't kill her first.
Becca was excited to get home and tell him the good news. She had been so happy a few moments ago. Once again, something had to come up and tear it all apart. She should be used to this-pain and rejection, but there are some things you can't get used to.
Her tears fell onto the pages as she scanned her eyes over the pages. Was this supposed to be her journal? It wasn't even her handwriting. Joel seemed to believe it anyway. If his anger was any indication.
She threw the journal on the ground as if it were on fire and shook her head confusingly,'This isn't mine.' She looked up at him as tears fell down her face,'You know this isn't my handwriting, Joel. You know that.'
He crouched down in front of her and shoved the uniform in her face,'So you're gonna tell me this isn't yours either?' He sneered as he looked over her face,'Wilder. That was Ben's last name wasn't it?' She didn't answer right away, making him angry,'Answer me goddammit!'
She winced as he screamed in her face. She heard the shakiness in his tone and the crack in his voice. She risked glancing up at him and saw the tears falling from his eyes. He looked as devastated as she felt.
'That's his last name.' She whispered shakily,'But this isn't mine.' She looked over at Ellie, who had tears in her eyes. The look of disappointment and disgust on her face broke her heart,'I swear to you on my life this isn't mine.' She turned back to Joel and shook her head,'You really think I would've done all this just to get to Ellie?'
'The box was in your fuckin closet.' He bowed his head,'I opened up to you. I…told you things I ain't ever told anyone else.' He winced as he felt the pain in his chest. The fear creeping up again as tears fell from his eyes,'I married you. I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you and this…' He choked back a sob,'You lied to me. You…you used me just to get to Ellie. You're nothing but their fuckin puppet.' He spat at her feet,'You're the fuckin whore.'
'He's right.' Ellie crossed her arms over her chest,'All this time and you…you were fucking using us. How dare you!' She went to charge at her, but Tommy kept a firm grip on her arms, holding her back.
Becca covered her face with her hands and sobbed into them,'I didn't do anything.' Her voice was mumbled by her hands,'I didn't. I swear I didn't. This isn't mine. This isn't.'
She kept saying it over and over again as if Joel or Ellie would believe her. She didn't care if Tommy and everyone else didn't believe her. All she cared about was her family. She was going to lose everything.
He shook his head sadly as he sniffled roughly,'I want all your shit outta my house. Everything. I don't want a trace of you inside that goddamned house. Do you understand me?'
She nodded slowly as her body racked with sobs. She refused to tell him about the baby. It would only make things worse for her. They would take her baby away. She would never see it again. She could never let anyone know. She just hoped Sharon would keep her mouth shut.
Joel took a few moments to gather his thoughts. His mind was racing with over a million things. Hurt, betrayal, anger and sadness. All the feelings he's become accustomed to over the years.
He couldn't bring himself to look at her. She was sobbing on her knees in the dirt. He wanted so much to believe her, but he was faced with so much of the evidence. He was angry and not thinking clearly.
Joel wiped his nose with the back of his hand that was holding the gun. He pointed it at her. It was reminiscent of the time she took his watch to fix it. It wouldn't be the first time someone's pointed a gun at her. It definitely wouldn't be her last.
'I should kill you right now.' He laughed bitterly and shook his head,'I should put a fuckin bullet in your head.'
She thought about him killing Marlene in the hospital. She watched as he blew her head off. He didn't want anyone trailing them. She was good as dead herself.
Becca was shaking as she stared up at him pleadingly, 'Please don't do it. Please.'
Joel scoffed as he pressed the gun between her eyes,'Please, Joel.' She cried as he mocked her,'That shit ain't gonna work with me anymore.'
Tommy sighed and bent down to grab Joel by the back of his coat,'You don't wanna do this, brother. You'll regret. We'll handle this our way.
Our own way, she repeated to herself.
They would send her off somewhere. Probably to a QZ. It would be nothing like Jackson. She wouldn't have the comforts of home. She would raise her baby in squalor.
Joel tugged on her chain and broke it apart. He palmed the necklace and wedding band,'This is mine. You don't get to wear this anymore.'
She heard the gun being cocked and she closed her eyes. She wasn't afraid of dying. She was afraid of what comes after. She thought about her baby who would die with her. Another innocent life taken too soon.
Tommy tried to pull him back, but Joel was much too strong for him.
Joel sobbed as he held the gun to her head. His trigger finger was shaking. He shook his head as he dropped his arm down. He couldn't do it. For the first time in his life he hesitated. He couldn't kill her.
It was the second time he's wanted to kill her, but he didn't have the heart to do it. He heard her sobs and felt his resolve slowly shattering. He averted his gaze, refusing to look at her for the moment.
Regardless of what she's done, she was his wife and they shared so much together. Against his better judgment, he was still so so in love with her. He doubted the feeling would go away anytime soon.
Becca's eyes widened as he dropped his arm holding the gun. It seemed like he changed his mind. She's never known Joel to hesitate while holding a gun.
He took a step back from her as he narrowed his eyes,'You're fuckin lucky.' He turned to Tommy and jerked his head towards her,'Do what ya gotta do. Get this piece of shit away from me.'
He glanced back at Becca, sneering in disgust,'I'll deal with you later. You're gonna tell me who you're working for.'
He ripped the chain off his neck and threw it at her,'Consider us fuckin divorced.'
She frowned as Joel wrapped his arm around Ellie's shoulders as she sobbed softly. She was hurting too. She loved her like a mother.
They walked down the trail back towards the house. Her heart shattered in a million pieces. She wanted so badly to go home with them. She wanted to tell them she was having a baby. She thought this would be such a happy time. She should've known better than to get her hopes up.
She picked up his ring and slid it inside her pocket. She wanted to hold onto it. Sharon gave her this ring with love. She would cherish it even if he didn't.
Tommy turned to her and sighed, looking down at the contents on the ground,'Now that they're gone we can actually talk about what the hells going on.'
'I don't know, Tommy.' She frowned as she wiped the tears from her eyes,'I don't know what he's talking about. It isn't mine.' She sighed shakily,'After all these years, why would I do something like that? You know me. I thought Joel and Ellie knew me too. I would've thought one of them would listen to reason.'
Tommy looked back at the house and nodded, 'Emotions are high right now. Give them some time to cool off.
She nodded as she picked herself up from the ground,'Am I gonna be sent away?'
Tommy hung his head as he placed his hands on his hips, looking just like his brother in that moment,'I'm sorry, but it's what we have to do.'
She closed her eyes as tears fell down her face. She was heartbroken and absolutely devastated. She didn't want to leave and go to a QZ. It was considered punishment.
QZs didn't have doctors or nurses. No one would be able to deliver her child. She would have to work for ration tickets. It was a hard and rough life. She didn't want to live like that anymore. She wanted more for her and her baby, but she wouldn't beg.
She knew if she told Joel or Tommy she was pregnant they would keep her in Jackson until she delivered the baby. They would keep her baby and send her away. She refused to let anyone take her baby away from her.
Tommy sighed and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder,'Are you really a Firefly?'
She became angry at his question. She gritted her teeth and balled her hands into fists at her sides,'Would it even matter?' She shook her head and sighed,'It seems like y'all made your minds up already.'
She was disappointed he would even ask her that considering everything they've done to her. The Fireflies beat, raped and tortured her. She was sickened that anyone would believe it. Least of all Joel and Ellie. She thought she knew them better than that.
Tommy nodded back towards the house and frowned,'I can walk ya in to get your clothes.'
'I'll get them myself.' She shook her head,'I'm not afraid of him, Tommy. I know him.' She frowned as fresh tears fell down her face,'I thought he knew me too.'
Becca thought she knew Joel, but she really wasn't sure anymore. After all these years, she figured he would have the decency to ask her before he went off. He didn't listen to reason. He made up his mind and she would respect that.
Whomever framed her was trying to tear them apart and were succeeding. She wondered if it was the same person who shot her. She would be left vulnerable in a QZ. No one would be able to protect her.
She took a deep breath to gather herself. Her nerves were going haywire. She felt nauseous too and felt like she was going to throw up. She didn't know if it was because of the baby or her nerves. Maybe a little bit a both.
She steeled herself and she mustered up all of the strength she could. Crying wasn't going to get her anywhere. She needed to be strong for herself and her baby.
She would do as she's always done. Survive. She just didn't want to survive anymore. She wanted to live.
She shook her head and sighed,'I take it you're going to be arresting me?'
'I'm sorry.' He frowned,'I don't wanna do this, but the uniform and the journal.' He shook his head,'I can't let it slide, Becca. What kind of message would that send to the rest of the town?'
'The town.' She snorted,'Of course. We always gotta protect the town right? Fuck everybody else. Fuck me right?' She swallowed harshly,'I've served this town for over four years. I did whatever you asked of me. I never complained. I did my job without fault. When we came to this town no one was on our side, but you. I thought you would understand that.'
Tommy didn't know how to respond. Maybe because he knew she was right. He always took his brother's side. Much to chagrin of Maria. He didn't want to believe it. He loved and respected Becca. There had to be more to it. None of it made sense.
She laughed bitterly at his silence. She wasn't surprised. Men and their egos. They stuck together like wolves.
Tommy sighed as he gently grasped her arm,'You wanna go and get your stuff now or take you into town?'
'Take me into town.' She held out her hands,'Let's get this show on the road.'
He stared down at her hands and shook his head,'I'm not cuffing you, Becca. I'll give you as much dignity as possible. We'll keep this discreet. No one needs to know.'
She remained silent. He was wrong. Everyone would know. Word travels like fire in this town, burning bridges and leaving disaster in their wake. The gossipers in town were going to love this one. It would keep them occupied for weeks.
Tommy held onto her arm as they walked down the trail. His horse was posted in front of their house.
She shook her head. His house. It didn't belong to her anymore.
Her heart dropped to her stomach when she looked up at the house. Just a few nights ago they had Christmas. She choked back a sob, remembering the gift her and Ellie gave him. He probably wouldn't use the saddle. She did it all for nothing. Everything. The last four years meant nothing to them. Even Ellie wanted nothing to do with her.
She saw the door opening and her eyes widened when she saw Joel. She stared straight at him. Her gaze didn't waver. She wanted him to realize what he was doing and the mistake he was making.
She was surprised when he didn't look away. His eyes bore straight into hers. His face was unreadable, but she could see the anguish elucidated on his face.
Good. He should suffer just like her. She hoped he realized the mistake he was making. When it all came to light that she was telling the return and she was halfway across Wyoming.
She shook her head as she walked up to the porch. She needed to say something to him. If only for the last time.
She looked up at him as he narrowed his eyes,'You're a coward, Joel Miller. You tell me you love me and we'll be together forever. All those promises you made to me. The plans for our future…' She took a deep breath and shook her head, willing herself not to cry,'I thought you knew me better than that.' She frowned,'You think I was a Firefly? After everything they've done to me? You were there. I had every opportunity to turn on you and I didn't. I didn't because I love you and Ellie so much. We were so happy. You'll realize your mistake when I'm gone. You'll realize what you did and…you'll never see me again. Don't come looking for me, begging and crying for my forgiveness. The well has run dry with you.'
She could feel the tears start to well up in her eyes. He didn't say a word to her. He just stared hard at her. There wasn't any emotion on his face. It was like he didn't even care. She felt like a fool, standing here and begging for his forgiveness, which would never come. He was too stubborn and hard headed.
Becca walked over to Tommy and nodded towards town,'Let's go. I know when I'm not wanted.'
Tommy shared a look with Joel and cleared his throat,'I'm taking her to the jail. We'll keep her there until she's put in front of the council.'
She laughed to herself. Her fate would be decided by nine old men and one woman. Sharon. She hoped to God the woman had her back. She could be convicted of treason. They would hang her in front of everyone. They would make an example out of her. Treason was one of the highest offenses in Jackson. Next to killing.
She thought of Bruce decaying up in the mountains. She considered him one of the lucky ones. At least he got the hell out.
Joel watched as she got on the back of Tommy's horse and they rode into town. He scrubbed a hand over his face tiredly. He felt drained, physically and mentally.
He stumbled as he sat down on the bench. He felt discombobulated. His equilibrium felt off balance. He rubbed his chest soothingly, feeling his heart ache. He felt like he was having another heart attack, but he wasn't sick. He was heartbroken.
He felt pain when he lost Sarah. The pain had been unimaginable. He hurt so bad he wanted to die. He felt like that today. If it wasn't for Ellie, he would ride up to the mountains, put a bullet in his brain and decay with Bruce.
He wanted to believe her. A small part of him did, but he remembered Tess's betrayal and everything that Fireflies did to Ellie. He couldn't forgive that.
Had Becca been lying about what they did to her to gain sympathy? Would she really go that far for a lie? Why would she marry him? Why would someone shoot her? So much of this didn't make sense.
He let his anger get the best of him. He almost shot her again. She looked so sad and confused. She looked just as heartbroken as him.
He remembered sitting on this porch with her night after night. He would play guitar for her. Sometimes she would make him laugh by dancing. Sometimes she would sing along with him. She didn't sing often, but he loved hearing her sing. He would miss those nights. When it was just the two of them. It made him feel like there was no one else in the world.
How could he go on without having that? He thought she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He was getting soft in his old age. He let her slip easily through the cracks. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
He shook his head of those thoughts. No, he couldn't think like that. He was weak for even trusting her in the first place.
Above all else, Joel was still human. He didn't want her sitting in jail. They were going to send her away or worse. Either way, he would never see her again. He didn't what to live without her. He didn't want to be alone again, but maybe it's all he was destined to be.
Ellie walked out onto the porch and sat down next to him on the bench. She placed her hands on her knees and shook her head sadly, whispering,'I know I shouldn't say this right now, but I'm really gonna miss her. I…love her a lot. I can't believe she would do something like that.' She sighed,'It doesn't seem like her, Joel.'
'Well it is.' He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close to his side.'We'll be okay. We'll get through this. We take care of each other. Just like we always do.'
Ellie frowned as she looked up at him warily,'Who's gonna take care of her?'
She knew he wouldn't have an answer for her. He was going to go back to being a grump asshole. He would be hell to live with. Becca balanced him out. She kept him calm. She was the only one who could settle him down. Tommy called it Becca's superpower.
They had been so happy together. She didn't understand why Becca would do that. After everything she's been through. It wasn't in her nature.
Maybe there was an explanation for it all, but she couldn't find any. Not now anyway. She didn't think she ever would.
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Becca was sitting on the dirty and dingy cot of the jail cell. She was resting her head back against the wall. The cell was freezing and smelled of stale urine from the drunkards in town being jailed here.
She brought her knees to her chest and rested her head on them. If it wasn't for her baby, she didn't want to live anymore. Her once bright future was bleak. She didn't have anything to look forward to. What kind of life could she give her child living in a QZ?
Tommy made sure to sneak her in the back, but probably half the town knew by now. She was the laughing stock of Jackson. She was tired of being everyone's fool and begging forgiveness. She couldn't rely on anyone but herself.
She felt the nauseousness overwhelm her and tried to fight it off. She been getting sick everyday for the past two weeks. Sharon said it would subside after the first trimester. She hoped to God she was right.
She felt the bile rising up in her throat. She hopped off the bed and got down on her knees in front of the steel toilet. She emptied the contents of her stomach and rested her head against the cold steel of the toilet, ignoring the rancid stench of the murky water.
She heard the door opening and saw Sharon walking in. She felt a sense of dread and relief. If anyone could help her it was Sharon. She was an elder and her word held a lot of weight in this town.
Sharon's eyes widened in shock as she saw Becca kneeling in front of the toilet. She walked over to the deputy who was watching over her and slammed her hands down on the desk,'What the fuck is going on here?' She stared down the young deputy, who couldn't be anymore than twenty at best,'I told you to make sure she's comfortable. Where's her blanket and pillow?'
A small smile formed on her face and she felt an overwhelming sense of relief. She hopes Sharon believed her. She needed someone to believe her. If only for her piece of mind.
Sharon made the deputy unlock the cell and he went to grab a pillow and blanket along with some food for her.
Sharon frowned as she walked over to her and crouched behind her, placing her hand on her back,'You doing alright, baby? You feel sick?'
She nodded as she turned away from the toilet and leaned back against the cot,'I feel sick as a dog, Sharon. My husband just divorced me and my daughter wants nothing to do with me.' She shook her head.'He kicked me out, Sharon. He told me he never wants to see me again.'
Sharon frowned as she rubbed her arm soothingly,'He know about the baby?'
'No.' She shook her head,'And I'm not telling him either. He doesn't deserve to know after what he said to me. He said awful things to me, Sharon. He put a gun to my head…again.' Her face crumpled into tears,'I didn't do it. I'm not a Firefly. I swear I'm not. I'm a nurse, Sharon. Me and Ben travelled on her own. How could I have been a Firefly married to David?'
'I know.' She frowned,'But you know these stupid men in this town. They don't listen to reason. Whomever framed you shot you. There's no doubt in my mind about that.'
Becca's eyes widened and she shook her head in disbelief,'You believe me? You really believe me.'
'I do.' Sharon nodded,'I knew Fireflies. No offense,but they wouldn't recruit someone like you. You're too soft.'
Becca snorted as she nervously wrung her hands in her lap,'What's gonna happen to me?'
Sharon sighed and shook her head sadly,'I honestly don't know. I'm meeting with the rest of the council in a few. I…wanted to come and see you for myself. I'm sorry you're here, Rebecca. I wish there was more I could do.'
She saw the tears in the older woman's eyes and took her hand, squeezing it tightly,'You believing me is enough. It means more to me than you'll ever know. My husband didn't even believe me. Ellie hates me. She wants nothing to do with me.'
Sharon quickly wiped her tears before they could fall. She didn't want the young woman to worry about her feelings. She was heartbroken for her. She didn't want her to go. She loved her. She was like a daughter to her.
Sharon held her face in her hands and stared into her eyes.'You gotta stay strong, kiddo. You can't let them see you falter. It's what they want. You're a strong woman. You've been through worse than this. You need to stay strong.' She placed a hand on her stomach,'You just don't have yourself to worry about anymore. I want to see my beautiful grand baby.'
She smiled through her tears and slightly nodded her head, 'I love you, Sharon. I just want you to know that. Thank you for everything. I don't know what I would've done without you these past few years.'
'You would've survived and have been fine.' She smiled,'Just like you always are.'
Becca didn't want to tell her she disagreed. She didn't just want to survive. She wanted to live her life to the fullest with her family.
Sharon wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly. She kissed her temple, whispering,'Don't worry. I love you too, baby. Like you were my own. Your secret's safe with me. You sure you don't wanna let him know? It might change his mind. No. It would definitely change his mind. Maybe put things into perspective for him. He needs some time to cool off.'
'I don't want his pity.' She sighed shakily,'It has to be for the right reasons. He doesn't deserve anything after what he did to me.'
Sharon was devastated to say the least. She remembered their wedding and how happy they were. They truly were in love. They loved each other as much as people could. They fit each other perfectly. Joel's chaos to her calm. She thought they would be a couple who would be together forever. She should've known it was too good to be true.
The deputy walked into the jailhouse with three blankets and two pillows. He also brought a plate of food. He didn't want Sharon's ire.
The deputy handed Sharon the stuff and she made her bed. She helped her into bed and wrapped the blanket around her.
Sharon ran a hand through her hair and kissed her forehead,'I'll be back to check on you later. Try to rest and get some sleep.'
She nodded and gave her a small smile,'I will.'
Sharon hesitated a moment before she walked out of her cell. She turned to the deputy and narrowed her eyes,'I want this girl taken care of. I don't mean the bare minimum either. Whatever she wants. You give her. If she tells me one thing. One. I will have your head. Do you understand me?
Becca smiled to herself. Sharon used the same tone she would whenever speaking to her staff. She scared the new hires shitless, but Becca knew the real her. She's the kindest woman she's ever met.
The deputy's eyes widened and he nodded his head vigorously,'Of course, maim. Whatever she needs.'
Sharon looked over at her and smiled softly,'I'll see you soon.'
She nodded as she watched her walk out the door. She laid her head down on the pillow and stared down at the plate of food. She hasn't eaten anything all day. She was too sick to eat in the morning. She planned to make a nice dinner tonight to celebrate the good news, but there wouldn't be any celebration tonight. She would be alone lying in a cold, dark and dingy jail cell.
They should've left her back in Silver Lake to die. She wouldn't have to deal with this heartbreak. She felt teased and tempted with all the things that could've been.
Joel found himself standing in front of the jailhouse. It was almost one in the morning, but he couldn't sleep. He couldn't bring himself to go in their room. All of her things were in there. The bed smelled like her. Even the guest bedroom held traces of her scent.
He packed up all of her stuff and gave it to Sharon. He didn't want any remnants of her in his house.
Everywhere he went in the house he was reminded of her. He even took all of the photos off the wall, but it still wasn't enough. She was ingrained into his life. Their lives were interwoven. She ran deep in his blood and he didn't know how to stop it.
Ellie managed to fall asleep. She was up most of the night. He heard her crying in her room. There wasn't anything he could to to help her. How could he help her when he was sad himself? His eyes hurt from crying so much.
So he started walking here almost on autopilot. He didn't know why he wanted to see her. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment.
He opened the jailhouse door and walked inside. He snorted when he saw the deputy. It was the same fucker he punched to get into her cell. He wouldn't be doing that tonight.
The deputy was sound asleep with his legs propped up on the desk. He looked over at Becca and felt that tightening in his chest again. She was under the blankets, her head resting on the pillows. Her eyes were closed.
In the dim light he could see the tears on cheeks. Her face was contorted in pain, like she cried herself to sleep. He saw the uneaten plate of food on the floor and the bile in the toilet.
He swallowed harshly as he felt the rage burning inside him. She shouldn't be here locked up like some dog. The jail cell was dirty and he saw a mouse scurrying in the corner of her cell.
Tears filled his eyes. He told himself she wasn't his concern anymore, but he couldn't just stop loving her. He should feel guilty for allowing this. She was still recovering from her gunshot wound. She was fully healed, but the trauma was still there.
All night he kept going back and forth. He wanted to believe her, but he's been burned before. It took everything in him not to take the deputy's keys and get her out of here, but he wouldn't do that. He's the reason she's even here in the first place.
He heard her moan softly and she moved under the covers. The blanket slid down her body and he noticed she was wearing the same clothes he last seen her in. They didn't even give her the dignity of changing out of her work clothes.
She didn't like sleeping in her clothes. Not anymore. She told him those days were behind her. Most days they slept naked together. They couldn't keep their hands off each other most days.
A tremble ran through his body as the finality set it. He would never feel her body against his, the warmth of her touch and her kisses. The shy smiles she would give him when he told her all the things he wanted to do her. He would never been on the receiving end of those smiles again.
She placed her hand over her stomach and murmured. He frowned at that. Was she sick. Is that why he vomited and didn't eat her food?
He thought about waking her, but what could he say? She made it clear she wanted nothing to do with him. He wouldn't ask her anything more about the Fireflies. Tommy told him to leave it alone. Apparently, Sharon and Maria weren't too happy with him either.
He was used to being the ire of women. It was his speciality.
He walked closer to her cell to get a closer look at her. His hands gripped the bars so tightly his knuckles turned white. He wanted to be strong, but his resolve was breaking. He wouldn't let Ellie down. She came above all else. Becca would understand that.
He blinked away tears as he turned away from her and walked out of the jail cell. He looked at the bar across the street. It would be so easy for him to go and have a drink. He knew he couldn't just have one. He wouldn't be able to stop until the pain subsided. He refused to have another drink. He made a promise to Ellie and Becca a long time ago.
He walked towards the trail of the ranch. He let the tears flow freely now. He was a broken man alone with his thoughts. No one else would see his vulnerability tonight. His sadness was his to bear.
He found himself walking into the barn. He stared at the altar in the corner of the room. Becca said she wanted to keep it to remind her of one of the happiest moments of her life. The first meeting Ellie and Joel.
He shook his head as he sobbed softly. She was so good to him and Ellie. It had all been a ruse.
He grabbed the altar and threw it down onto the ground. He kicked and stomped on it with his heavy boots, snapping and tearing the intricate ribbons to shreds. He let out gut wrenching sobs as he stomped on it over and over again. Much like she did to his heart.
He ran a hand through his hair as he gulped in air. He was crying so hard he could barely breathe. The last time he felt like this was when he lost Sarah. He felt the hopelessness and despair creeping back into his heart again. Becca wouldn't be here to chase away the demons tonight.
He would be left to his own devices.
He stumbled over to the saddle that was hanging on the wall. It was a precious gift to him. The best gift he's ever received. He read the inscription and cried even harder.
He punched the saddle over and over again as he cried and wailed. He reckoned someone would hear him, but he didn't give a damn.
He slid back against the wall and he slumped down onto the ground. He held his head in his hands, whispering,'Please make it stop. Please. Please.'
He couldn't handle this pain. It tore and ate away at him. She was the first woman he's ever been in love with. He didn't know what romantic love meant until he met her. He put in the work and commitment for nothing. Everything he did, the labor and the hard hours he put in at the farm to give them a better life meant nothing to her.
He meant nothing. Story of his life.
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Sharon was pissed as she knocked on Joel's door. She banged on it as she stomped her foot impatiently,'Joel Miller. If you don't answer this door right now! I know you're in there.'
She waited a few moments before banging again. The door tore open and an angry Joel glared at her. She blinked her eyes in surprise at his appearance. He looked like shit. He was wearing the same clothes she saw him in yesterday. His hair was wild, his eyes red and filled with tears. He looked as if all he's been doing is crying.
She pushed through him and let herself inside,'I came to tell you her hearing is today.'
'Hearing.' He snorted,'So you're making her be apart of sone kangaroo court? You're gonna embarrass her in front of the people she's served?'
She snorted and crossed her arms over her chest,'For someone who doesn't care you she's act like you're caring a hell of a lot right now.'
'I never said I didn't care.' He sighed and shook his head, 'Why can't you just send her away somewhere? Why ya gotta go through with all that?'
Sharon didn't know what to make of him right. Tommy recalled to her the despicable things he said and did to her. She didn't blame Becca for not wanting anything to do with him.
She poked her finger in his chest and flared up at him,'You have a lot of nerve. You know that? You need to get off your high horse, Joel. She's your wife. I was at your wedding. Do you honestly think she faked all that?!
'First Maria and now you.' He sighed,'I don't need anyone preaching to me. I saw the evidence. Even if it her feelings were real, I couldn't accept it, Sharon. I can't. Ya gotta understand that. She ain't my wife no more.'
She shook her head and frowned,'I don't and I never will. I don't understand how you can easily switch your feelings on and off. When your wife is sitting in a fucking jail cell scared to death. She's afraid. She's so afraid. You don't know. You have no idea what she's going through right now. If you did than you would've heard her out. You didn't even give her decency to do that.'
Sharon stared at him long and hard, hoping and praying a light would go off in his head. For a moment, she thought about telling her she was pregnant, but she wouldn't betray her trust like that.
She shook her head sadly as she stepped back from him,'You have nothing to say, huh? Then you don't deserve her. You aren't even deserving enough to look at her.'
She walked out of his house with the last word. She couldn't get through to him. He was a like a brick wall when it came to his emotions. Becca and Ellie seemed to be the only ones that could get through to him. He was going to be hell rip and roaring through town. They've never met heartbroken Joel. It was going to be a sight to see.
She would make sure to be completely staffed at the hospital. They were going to need the extra hands. Joel would be keeping them busy.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Becca's heart hammered into her chest as the deputy escorted her to the town hall. She could feel the eyes on her and the whispers. She kept her head held high just like Sharon told her to do. She had nothing to hide. She was an innocent woman.
She walked into the town hall, seeing the council sitting at their assigned seats up front. She kept her eyes focused on Sharon. She needed the woman's strength in this moment.
She glanced over her shoulder and saw Tommy and Maria sitting in the back. Maria met her gaze, whispering an 'I love you.'
Becca nodded and gave her a small smile, silently saying what she couldn't in words. Sharon and Maria were her only allies. They were the only ones who believed her. They were her friends for life.
No one was allowed to talk to her while she was here. They didn't want her tainting their precious citizens. Maybe David was right. Humanity deserved to perish.
She heard the heavy door creaking opened. Her eyes widened when she saw Joel. He was the last person she expected to be here.
She wondered if he changed his mind and started caring about her well-being. His emotions changed on a dime. His words were wind to her. Empty promises that meant nothing.
Joel didn't know what possessed him to come here. He told himself he wasn't going to do it. He wiped his hands clean of her, but the more he thought about it; he knew it was something he had to do. He needed this closure for himself.
She seemed to surprise to see him. She had heavy bags under her eyes. Her once bright blue eyes looked lifeless and dull. Her skin looked sickly pale. He thought about the vomit he saw in the toilet. Was she still sick?
He didn't like the look of her. Just a couple days ago she had been so vibrant and happy. She always had a smile for him. She wasn't smiling today. She lost her light.
She turned her head away as the head councilman started talking. They kept her standing in front of them, cuffed and shackled like some criminal.
He leaned back against the wall, obscuring himself in the shaded corner of the room as he quietly observed. He would keep an eye on her, remembering the last time she was here and Jack triggered a panic attack. He didn't trust these people. He was glad Sharon was here for her. She would make sure she was taken care of.
The councilman stared down at the piece of paper,'Rebecca Bennett. You stand before us today charged with the crime of treason. How do you make your plea?'
She frowned as she looked around the room,'Where's a lawyer?' She turned to the councilman and narrowed her eyes,'I know my rights.'
Sharon bit back a smirk as Bobby started stammering,'This isn't a court room.'
'Sure seems like one to me.' Becca frowned,'You can't even find one to fake it, huh?'
Joel couldn't help but smirk. She was standing her ground. She was standing up for herself. The Becca from four years ago would've been a mess up there, but she handled herself with grace today. Despite everything, he was proud of her for that. Had David all been a lie too?
Becca sighed and shook her head, deciding to just get this over with,'Okay. Not guilty. I plead not guilty because I'm innocent.'
Bobby cleared his throat as he leafed through the pages of the journal and lifted it up,'Is this yours?'
'No.' She shook her head,'I've never seen it before a day in my life. That's not my handwriting.' She nodded to Sharon,'Ask my boss. She knows my writing.'
Sharon slid a piece of paper in front of Bob,'That's her real handwriting.'
Bobby looked over the piece of paper and frowned,'The journal has your name on it. The uniform. The evidence speaks for itself, Sharon.'
'Not always.' Sharon took a deep breath to keep her cool, not wanting to tarnish her late husband's legacy,'Sometimes things are not always how they appear.'
Bobby glanced over at Sharon and sighed exasperatingly,'We'll vote unanimously on the decision.' He turned his attention back to Becca,'We'll convene and have an answer for you within the hour.'
Her eyes widened and she shook her head confusingly,'That's it? You didn't even give me a chance to defend myself.
'This wasn't supposed to be anything more than deciding what to do with you.' Bobby frowned,'This is the way of things.'
Tears filled her eyes as her shoulders slumped dejectedly. She was sick and tired of hearing people say that. She spent the entire night before going over all the things she would say to defend herself. She never had a chance. They're minds were already made up.
She stared at Sharon who gave her a small nod as she got up from her chair. Sharon promised her she would take care of things. She would make sure her and her baby were safe.
The deputy sat her down as she winced from the cuffs digging into her wrists. The belt around her waist keeping her shackles secure made her stomach ache. She felt in the confines if the shackles. Her bangs stuck to her sweaty forehead. She was anxious and nervous. So nervous.
She felt nauseous and dizzy, like she was going to throw up. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She swallowed her saliva and winced. She felt so sick. She couldn't eat or sleep. Everything hurt. She didn't want to lose her baby. It would be the only family she had left in the world.
She turned to the deputy and stared up at him, whispering, 'I'm going to be sick. I need to use the restroom.'
'Sorry, but I can't do that.' He shook his head,'You have to stay out until the verdict.'
She closed her eyes and sighed shakily, whispering,'Please, I'm begging you. I need to throw up.'
He laughed softly as he glanced over at her, 'Sure ya do. Just so you can try to escape.
She glared at him and bowed her head. Sharon was right about him. He was needle nosed prick.
Joel narrowed his eyes as he witnessed the exchange between her and the deputy. He read her lips, a skill he's learned since becoming almost completely deaf in one ear from years of shooting.
She was telling him she was going to be sick. She was pleading with him to use the bathroom. Anger surged through when he laughed at her. It took everything in him not to punch his lights out, but he reminded himself that she wasn't his problem anymore.
She took a deep breath as she felt the bile begin to rise in her throat. She grasped his sleeve, whispering,'I need a trash can or something.' She gagged and closed her eyes, 'Please.'
The deputy saw her gagging and his eyes widened. He hopped off the bench and ran to grab her the trash can, placing it on her lap. She threw up into the trash can, the bile from her empty stomach making her throat burn.
Joel saw her throwing up and found himself walking over to her. He stopped himself mid stride and balled his hands into fists. They were making her sick. She shouldn't be here. She should be at work.
He blinked away tears as he tried to drown out the sounds of her retching.
He watched Maria walk over to her and lean down in front of her. She ran a hand through her hair and rubbed her back soothingly. He hung his head shamefully. He should be the one comforting her.
He knew he shouldn't have come here. It was torture. It wasn't helping to move on. It just made it worse. Hopefully, she would leave and he could forget about her. She would just be somebody he used to know.
He's always been very good at lying to himself.
Maria didn't care about the rules as she wiped Becca's face with a handkerchief. She was sweating profusely. She was so pale she was almost grey. This was taking a toll on her.
Only Maria and Sharon knew she was pregnant and she wanted to keep it that way.
Becca shook her head and closed her eyes, willing the feeling to go away,'You can't be near me.' She frowned,'You'll get in trouble.'
Joel's heart ached at the sound of her voice. So small and defeated. He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from crying.
Maria frowned as she stroked her hair,'I don't care about that.' She glared over at her husband, who she wasn't particularly happy with right now,'No one tells me what to do.' She leaned in close, whispering in her ear,'You're not alone in this. Me and Sharon are here for you. We know you didn't do this.' She glanced up at Joel, shaking her head in disgust,'They'll all pay for what they're doing to you. In some way or another.
Joel saw the daggers Maria shot at him. If looks could kill he would be six feet under by now. He didn't blame her or Sharon for being angry with him. He hated himself too. Just for different reasons.
The council walked back into the room quicker than expected. Maria cupped Becca's cheek and smiled tearfully,'It's okay. It's gonna be okay.'
Becca nodded slowly, hoping she were right.
The deputy pulled her up from the bench to stand in front of the council. She kept her eyes focused on Sharon. Her only beacon of light in this dismal situation.
Bobby folded his hands on the table,'We've discussed numerous possibilities about what to do with you. We understand for four years you've served this community well.'
She nodded and snorted,'I delivered your kid while you passed out, Bobby.'
Joel found himself snickering at that. She was a spitfire. Even now under all these mitigating circumstances-he still found her to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. It was her inner strength that emanated from her. It's what drew him in the first place.
'Yes…I remember that.' He smiled wryly as he nodded towards Sharon,'We're not taking your service away from you, Ms. Bennet.' He sighed,'But treason isn't something we can have in this community. It makes things fall apart. There needs to be contingency.
She inwardly rolled her eyes at that. He sounded like David. Men and their self righteousness is the collapse of society. Once again a woman is taking the fall.
Bobby pursed his lips and she could tell by the look on his face this was hurting him too,'We feel it's in our best interests to immediately evict you from Jackson. You will not step foot inside this town. If you do so, you will be faced with the gallows. You will not have any communication with anyone this town. In two days time, you will escorted to a QZ at 06:00 hours. Only the council will know of your whereabouts. Do you understand the terms, Ms. Bennett?'
She wanted to tell him she wasn't a Bennett. She was a Miller. She used to be, but not anymore.
Joel stood there stunned and almost shell shocked. She was leaving. He knew they would make her leave, but a small part of him didn't want to accept not seeing her ever again. He wouldn't know where she was going. Sharon sure as hell wouldn't tell him. Maybe it was better that way.
He couldn't help but wonder where they were sending her though. Would she be protected? Could she still practice nursing? What about her gardening? Who was going to take care of her flowers? Would she be able to have a garden where she was going?
Becca took a deep breath to gather her nerves and nodded, whispering,'I understand.'
Bobby smiled sadly at her as he signed a piece of paper and passed it down to the rest of the council,'Is there anything you would like to add before we adjourn?'
She shook her head as tears filled her eyes,'No. I said everything I needed to.
Bobby nodded as he looked at her sympathetically,'Best of luck to you, Ms. Bennett.'
She stared at Sharon who had tears in her eyes. She smiled reassuringly to ease her worries, but it did nothing to soothe her uneasiness. She would feel on edge for the rest of her life.
The council left the room and Maria ran over to her, hugging her tightly,'It's gonna be okay. I love you.'
She closed her eyes and sighed softly,'I love you too.'
The deputy pulled harshly on her arm as he led her down the aisle. She winced as he squeezed her arm tightly. He took his job way too seriously.
Joel saw the deputy grab her arm and the pain that flashed across her face. He couldn't stop himself from walking over to him and grabbing his shoulder, jerking his hand off her,'Hey there. Easy now.' He glared at him,'You fuckin grab her like that again and I'm gonna be the next one up there. Don't. Touch. Her.'
His voice was eerily calm, but deadly. The deputy cowered at him. He knew of his reputation. Joel wasn't someone you crossed easily. There would be a lot of alive men if they just kept their mouths shut and their hands to themselves.
The deputy swallowed harshly as he nodded his head, 'Sorry, just doing my job.'
'Yeah okay.' He nodded as he held the young man's gaze, 'And if she has to use the fuckin bathroom let her. Where the fuck is gonna escape to you dumb fuck? And if I find out you're in the bathroom with her? I'll slit your throat.'
'Shut up.' Becca sighed and shook her head, 'You don't get to have a say in anything that has to do with my life. You forfeited that right when you divorced me remember? I'm nothing but a Firefly whore remember?'
He balked at her words. Is that what the fuck he said to her? Jesus, no wonder she didn't want anything to do with him. He had been so angry he blacked out. He didn't remember half of what he said. He didn't even want to think about anything else he said to her.
The deputy cleared his throat, looking up at Joey warily,'It's time to get moving.
Becca nodded as she glanced up at him before bowing her head,'Take care of Sadie and Dusty for me.' She swallowed the lump in her throat as tears fell down her face, 'Tell them I love them and I'll always be thinking about them. Love them like I did. Sadie…she likes to be brushed before she sleeps. It relaxes her.'
Joel chewed on the inside of his mouth. Tears were threatening to spill from his eyes. He wanted to say so much. He wanted to plead with her to forgive him, but he couldn't take the risk. She still could be a Firefly. He made a promise to Ellie a long time ago and intended to keep it.
In two days, he would see her off. Even if she didn't want to see him, he would want to see her and commit her to memory. As if he could ever forget. He'll be getting over her for the rest of his goddamned forsaken life. He will never love another. He didn't know if he could even bring himself to be with another woman. He didn't have the energy for it anymore.
Sooner or later, Ellie would eventually move out. He would be left to live and fie alone. Maybe it's what he deserved after everything he's done.
She raised her eyes up to look at him, not knowing if this would be her last time. She doesn't think she'll have another relationship. She was too afraid to love again.
'You got what you wanted.' Becca whispered to him,'I'll be gone and you'll never have to see me again. Give Ellie my love. Tell…tell her that I'm sorry and I'll think about her everyday my entire life. Please tell her that.'
He shook his head as he felt the tears wetting his cheeks,'Becca…'He shook his head,'I-'
He didn't get a chance to say what he wanted to because the deputy led her out of the town hall.
He followed them outside as he watched them walk back to the jailhouse. He almost ran over to her and dropped down on his knees begging her to take him back. He was a weak and selfish man when it came to her.
Tommy walked up to him and placed a hand on his back,'You okay?'
He shook his head as he body wracked with sobs, 'No, I ain't okay. I ain't ever gonna be okay with this.'
Tommy frowned as he wrapped his arms around his brother, pulling him close to him. Joel wrapped his arms around him as he gripped his shirt, sobbing into his shoulder. He rubbed his back comfortingly.
He didn't know what to say or do. Nothing could make this right. He thought about what he would do in his position. He knew the right answer. He didn't Joel was ready to hear it yet.
(I cried when I wrote some of this )