Chapter 61: That's Not How Any of This Works!
Narrator: At Fluffy's larger-than-life penthouse!
Kagome: *kicks open the doors to Fluffy's apartment and sees Rin strolling around in nothing but a bra and panty set, cleaning the blood off her chainsaw with an insanely happy grin*
Kagome: Sup. How's it feel to be eighteen?
Rin: Wonderful! I get to kill so many people!
Kagome: ...GREAT!
Miroku: murder isn't legal when you turn eighteen, you know
Kagome: Shut up Miroku and let her have her moment
Kagome: Where's Fluffy? We need Tenseiga
Sesshomaru: hello, weaklings. Why are you interrupting my day
Kagome: We need Tenseiga, Fluffy-pants!
Sesshy: And why would I do that, mortal?
Kagome: Well, Barbie,
Sesshy: *glares at her*
Kagome: I accidentally threw up lava in Sango's kitchen, ruining the floor. I paid her $17,000 to fix it, but the man who first renovated it died and now we need to resurrect him to make her shut up about her admittedly beautiful kitchen
Sango: *glares at sesshy* if you're lucky, maybe she'll throw up lava in your house too
Miroku: *eyes the disturbing decor, including a severed head collection*
Narrator: Miroku isn't quite sure who the head collection belongs to, Rin or Sesshomaru. Both are likely at this point, though.
Kagome: *notices the heads* Nice head collection.
Rin: thanks! It's our special father-daughter project
Sango: I don't suppose that project can fix my kitchen...
Rin: Probably not
Kagome: Can we just borrow the Tenseiga to revive Sango's old kitchen designer and make him make a new one?
Sesshomaru: If I give the Tenseiga to you, and that's a BIG if, I will come to your penthouse to retrieve it. And if it is damaged, Kagome, so help me
Sango: *before Kagome can say anything* I'LL take care of it for you, thank you
Sesshomaru: I don't trust you any more than I trust her
Kagome: Look, Barbie, we're not the ones who twerked upside down against a wall singing the Barbie Girl song
Miroku: I don't think Kagome is exactly in the right mindset to wield such a powerful artifact...though it is a weapon of healing, not violence, so maybe it would be more dangerous in the hands of the kind
Kagome: Give it to the merciless
Kagome: *evil anime glint in eyes*
Yashie: *scoots sway just the tiniest bit*
Sesshomaru: maybe I should rethink this...
Rin: but I wanna see some zombie action!
Kagome: Well, I don't think they're zombies
Sango: you aren't helping my case here
Miroku: The sword literally restores life
Kagome: And a zombie is the absence of life, just animated by some dark...yeah I dunno
Sango: goddamnit Kagome I just need my kitchen fixed
Kagome: Bite me
Kagome: Why don't you give Fluffy here a blowjob, maybe he'll reconsider
Miroku: *starts sobbing loudly*
Rin: *pointing at Miroku and laughing*
Sango: pffft, even the charm of his fluff could never convince me to do THAT
Sesshomaru: if I give you the sword will you shut your collective mortal pie holes?
Kagome: Roll the dice and find out
Sesshomaru: you may have it, but I am sending Rin with it to make sure nothing goes wrong
Rin: YAY! Zombie action!
Miroku: again, they are not-
Sango: *shoves a hand over his mouth* thank you, Sesshomaru
Rin: *grabs her chainsaw and drags Kagome out*
Sango: I guess we'll have to find his grave...his name was Nobunaga
Miroku: Oda Nobunaga?
Sango: no, the other one
Kagome: That idiot Amari?
Sango: yes! Amari! Did you know him?
Kagome: He stole my fucking clothes.
Sango: really? I remember he was chasing some girl...
Kagome: He sent his idiot monkey to get food but the monkey grabbed my clothes while I was swimming
Miroku: so he didn't steal the clothes, his monkey did
Kagome: I guess. Potato potato.
Miroku: where can I get one of these monkeys?
Sango: *smacks him*
Kagome: ...Hell
Kagome: You can get them in Hell
Sango: I think he was buried in the cemetery right next to the high school
Kagome: I think I saw some guys pissing on the graves there
Sango: poor Amari...he was an idiot, but he doesn't deserve that
Kagome: I think a hobo pissed on him while he was alive once
Sango: the poor boi!
Kagome: Oof
Kagome: Let's just resurrect the motherfucker
Narrator: AT THE CEMETERY!
Miroku: Did we have to come here at two in the morning?
Kagome: Yes
Sango: *whispers to Miroku* it's kinda sexy, don't you think?
Miroku: *whispers back* never in a million years, love
Yashie: You afraid of the dark?
Kagome: *whispers in a gravely demon-sounding voice from behind the monk* Mirokuuuuuuuuuu
Miroku: *screeches, jumps half a foot in the air, and accidentally kicks a headstone*
Sango: oh! I found it! *points to a gravestone that reads:
"Fell too much in love,
with a big heart in his chest
But his clumsiness prevailed,
and he fell right to his death"
Kagome: Jesus
Sango: poor guy...
Yashie: He did though
Rin: let's crack this baby open! *immediately starts grabbing handfuls of dirt from the grave and throwing them*
Kagome: Oooorrr
Kagome: *yanks the Tenseiga from Sango and stabs it into the grave and straight into the coffin*
Sango: Kagome! Don't misuse the sword!
Grave: *starts shaking*
Miroku: *holds onto Sango tightly like a child*
Kagome and Rin: ZOMBIEEEE
Miroku: *holds onto Sango tightly like a child*
Miroku: *squeals as a hand pops out from the dirt*
Amari Nobunaga: *gasps and hauls himself out of the dirt, eyes wide*
Kagome: Hello there, Idiot Beauty
Nobunaga: huh? What's going on? One minute I'm enjoying a nice pina colada atop a mountain and the next I'm here?
Kagome: You fell off of the mountain and died
Sango: Kagome! That's a bit abrupt!
Kagome: And I took a reviving sword from her sugar daddy *points at Rin who waves madly* and stabbed you with it to bring you back
Miroku: We need you to fix Sango's kitchen. Kagome accidentally threw up lava and disintegrated the floor
Nobunaga: *puts a hand to his head* okay...I gotta sit down a minute...this is a lot
Nobunaga: *tries to sit down but ends up falling back into his own grave* AHHH
Kagome: *tries to stifle a giggle because of the location*
Miroku: *eyes her like he doesn't believe she can hold off laughing*
Sango: hey, it's okay Amari *extends a hand* I just love the beautiful work you did on my kitchen and I need it fixed
Kagome: Because my lava vomit ruined it *grins widely*
Miroku: *puts head in hands in utter disappointment*
Nobunaga: your...lava...vomit..?
Kagome: Yes
Kagome: I ate evil pizza and my tummy didn't like it
Sango: *abruptly pulls Nobunaga out of his grave* no time to explain. Kitchen needs fixing. Let's go.
Kagome: *happily skips along, swinging Tenseiga around*
Nobunaga: how long have I been dead?
Kagome: Well I'm still kind of mad that your monkey took my clothes while I went swimming
Miroku, under his breath: I wish it were Sango
Kagome: What was that, Miroku?
Miroku: Nothing
Kagome: Damn straight, it's nothing
Sango: you don't need a monkey to take my clothes
Kagome: He just wants to see you naked
Sango: I know.
Kagome: And we're back
Sango: *leads Nobunaga to the kitchen*
Nobunaga: WHAT THE- WHAT- SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL
Sango: please tell me you can fix it...
Nobunaga: I don't know if even a God could fix this mess
Kagome: What if I helped with a spell?
Sango: oh hell no, we are not going down that rabbit hole again
Kagome: Why not?!
Miroku: Kagome, your magic usually ends in conflict, destruction, and permanent changes
Kagome: What if we ask Souta to do a spell? Dad taught him too and his don't end nearly as badly as mine
Miroku: Isn't he in Venezuela with Kohaku?
Kagome: So?
Sango: then we would have to use magic to get here. Which is a no.
Kagome: Well then I dunno what to do
Rin: why don't we just revive Sannie's kitchen with the tenseiga?
Miroku: I don't think that's how it works...
Kagome: I wanna try it
Kagome: *stabs Sango's kitchen floor with the Tenseiga*
Sango: oh good lord, you're gonna break it
Kagome: No I'm not
Floor: *turns purple, swirls violently and burps before white beams spring from the bottom of the hole, stitching the floor back together and repairing lava damage before fading*
Kagome: ...AWESOME
Sango: *blinks* well christ. That solves that.
Kagome: Magic and reviving swords save everything
Miroku: *concerned* does this mean that our kitchen is a living entity?
Kagome: Who knows
Sango: please don't over-analyze this. Let me enjoy my kitchen.
Kagome: But I do need to go now. I need to burn some breadsticks over my father's grave in respect and then go curse bakeries for making breadsticks in the first place
Kagome: *leaves*
Miroku: At least she's gone
Rin: I have shit to do, don't bother me or Sesshy-pie
Sango: no worries there
Rin: Or you WILL bleed
Sango: WAIT what about Nobunaga?
Rin: Kill him again?
Sango: I'm not going to kill him!
Rin: Can I then?
Rin: *revs chainsaw*
Sango: NO
Nobunaga: *runs out screaming anyway and accidentally smacks headfirst into a light pole*
Sango: ...or that
Rin: Whatever works
Rin: Bye f*ckers