Chapter 48:What goes around comes right back around.
'I don't just want words. If that's all you have for me, you'd better go.'
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Beautiful and the Damned.
It was her second day in jail and she was already over it. Tomorrow, she would be going to an undisclosed QZ. They wouldn't tell her where she was going. She would be transported in the early morning hours. They would blindfold her. She had no idea where she would be going.
Sharon and Maria have visited her. They would bring her food and prenatal vitamins. Sharon assured her she would visit her in the QZ to monitor the progress of her baby and to make sure she was taken care of. It gave her sone solace in knowing she wouldn't be alone.
She tried to make herself eat for the baby, but she wasn't hungry. She was too nervous and sad to eat. She's never felt a heartbreak like this before. It ate her up inside. She couldn't even sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she would see the devastated looks on Joel and Ellie's faces.
She was angry at them for not believing her. After all they've been through and all the years they've spent together; they didn't even give her the opportunity to defend herself. They condemned her without giving her the chance to defend herself. She thought she knew them better than that, but she had been very wrong.
She at least thought Ellie would have her back, but she sided with Joel. She wasn't surprised he flew off the handle. He wasn't known for his reasoning. She thought she was different. He told her so many times how much he loved and cherished her. He swore to never hurt her. She didn't understand how he could be so loving and yet so cruel. She felt like she barely knew him at all.
It was the middle of the night and Becca couldn't sleep. She was anxious. In just three hours men would come for her and take her away. She would never be able to come back to Jackson.
She was excommunicated. There would be no more gardening or taking care of the animals on the farm. She wasn't allowed to be a nurse. How could she take care of a baby when she could barely take care of herself?
She closed her eyes and sighed. She placed her hand on her belly, rubbing it soothingly. Her stomach aches from lack of eating and stress. Sharon told her the baby could feel her agitation.
She thought the baby was made love with. When she first found out, she had been so excited and happy to tell him. She truly thought he would be happy, nervous, excited and proud.
He would be proud of the life they made together. It was made out of love. At least she thought so anyway. Until he shit all over it.
It wasn't even her fucking handwriting. She never saw that journal or uniform in her life. He was blinded by rage and didn't listen to reason. He never did once he went on one of his tirades. That was putting lightly. He was a goddamn barn burner.
The deputy stepped outside to have a smoke. The door slammed shut, locking her in from the outside. She rested her head back against the wall and sighed. Her hormones were making her feel suffocated in these confined walls. She was sweating and felt sick. She couldn't wait to be outside again. She didn't care if it was on her way to God knows where.
The door opened again and she thought that was fast. He usually took longer that that. She turned her head and her eyes widened when she seen Joel. She never expected to see him here. She thought he was good to be rid of her.
She kept her eyes straight forward at the wall in front of her, refusing to make eye contact with him. She didn't feel shame. She had nothing to be sorry for. She didn't do a damn thing wrong. She wondered when it would be enough. When would the universe stop fucking with her peace of mind?
Joel didn't know why he came here again. He had been restless. He hadn't slept since she's been here. He didn't like the quiet of the night. The chaos ceased and he was alone with his thoughts. It could make a man go mad.
He never understood what it meant to be crazy in love. He always assumed it was a fool's term. When he met her he was at the end of his rope. A man on the edge. She reeled him back in and gave him something he was missing in life. Companionship. She was his best friend.
He felt betrayed, but maybe it was the other way around. It was he who betrayed her. He became so consumed with his vendetta against the Fireflies he was blinded by rage. His pressed a gun to his wife's head. He swore to honor and cherish her. He pushed her, screamed in her face and called her vile names.
She would never forgive him for this. That he knew. She shouldn't suffer for his sins. His digressions. He thought he was beyond the vengeance, but he was protective over Ellie more than anything. It's what brought him here.
Sharon was right. He was selfish. He didn't deserve her.
'What do you want, Joel?' She cue straight to the chase,'I thought you woulda be relieved to get rid of me.' She hated the cracking in her voice, giving her away,'You coming to call me more names?'
He winced at her words, remembering all the names he called her. He yelled at Ellie for calling her names inside the house, but she called his bluff. He was guilty of the same. They both felt regret. Ellie already kissed her. Maybe they could salvage their relationship. Ellie was still a teenager. Becca would forgive her. It was in her nature.
She wouldn't forgive him. Maybe in the distant future not today. Maybe not ever. He could have truly fucked it up forever.
She wouldn't even look at him. She seemed disgusted. She looked exhausted. Her long hair was unbrushed. He remembered running his hands through the silky strands as she rode his cock or gave him head.
He bristled at the memory and felt like a selfish prick. He was selfish and self serving. The greatest sin of all.
Joel pulled up a chair against her cell. He sat down and rested his elbows on his knees, staring closely at her. Her face was covered by her hair. He wanted her to look at him just once.
'I know I'm the last person ya wanna see right now.' He ran a shaky hand through his hair,'But I didn't want ya leaving here thinkin that I hated ya cause I don't. I could never hate ya.' He shook his head and sighed, whispering admittedly,'Even if ya are.'
She shook her head and laughed. Boys will be boys,'So you came here to ease your conscience. How generous of you.'
He never head her speak this way before. She was so scathing and…emotionless. Maybe he finally broke her. It was only a matter of time. He's become a master at heartbreak.
He hung his head and sighed. He deserved that low blow. She didn't mince words. He fell in love with her honesty. Had everything been a lie? The way she looked into his eyes and swore her life to him. He thought this was the real deal.
Was she really framed? Was it all just a ruse? He couldn't kill her. He tried and failed twice. He couldn't kill her. It was selfish of him, but he could lose her.
Elle stayed in her room, stewing about it for a over a day. She finally came down at sunset and sat on the porch with him. She told him they fucked up. They let them win. They were manipulated and fell right into their trap. They were trying to tear them apart. They succeeded.
Jackson wouldn't let her back into town. Not unless the council reconsidered her sentence, but that was unheard of. She was ostracized. The community she once served diligently.
He sighed shakily and raised his eyes to look up at her,'I came to make…amends.'
'Oh fuck you.' She spat out angrily. She was a woman scorned,'You don't get to do this. You don't get to ruin my life and try to make yourself feel better by saying you're sorry.' She snorted,'That's a slap in the face to me after everything we've been through. I would never do that to you. Do you know that?'
He did. He truly did. It's why he married her. He trusted his life with her.
He folded his hands on his lap as he looked over her,'This ain't how I wanted things to be. It…ain't supposed to be like this.'
She crossed her arms over her chest and scoffed,'No shit. I didn't expect to be in fucking jail, Joel. You did this shit, man. Not me.'
Her southern accent became more pronounced. That red blooded fire surging through her veins. It was the same blood that ran through his veins. They both were too proud and stubborn.
He leaned back in the chair as she raised her head up to look at her. She had heavy bags indicating she wasn't sleeping very well. He hasn't slept either. He wondered if she was eating. He remembered her getting sick in the town hall. She seemed pale. Her eyes were dull. Cold.
He raised his hands in surrender,'I ain't got a weapon on me. Not a single one.'
She rolled her eyes and sighed. She knew he didn't need a weapon to kill her. He could kill her with his bare hands. She's witnessed him break a man's neck and beat a man to death for assaulting her. He killed a man for her. She at least thought that bonded them for life.
'Please leave.' She closed her eyes, whispering pleadingly,'You did enough. Please.'
She couldn't let the part of herself that loved him take over. She needed to be strong for her child. This child she carried didn't belong to him. He forfeited the right to be apart or any aspect of her life. Including to raise a child.
If Joel knew she were pregnant. He would caused a stir in Jackson. She would be apart of a man's selfish pride. Why kind of woman would she be if she gave him so willingly to him? She would be feeble minded and weak. A terrible role model for her child.
She wanted to be a woman who didn't have to rely on anyone. She was devastated but she's realized something. You can't always get what you want.
He rubbed his mouth as he blinked away tears,'I regret what I said Becca. Every damn word of it.' He ran his hands through his hair,'I pulled a gun out on you. Again. I…said fucked up shit to ya.' His face cringed,'You're my wife.'
'Ex wife.' She clarified,'You divorced me remember. After you called me a whore.' She turned her head and met his gaze,'That's the last time you'll ever call me that again.' She nodded,'I can be lethal too.'
Oh, he knew. He absolutely knew she was capable of lethality. He's witnessed her crush in Tess's skull with a piece of concrete. Tess was a strong capable woman. She managed to overcome her.
Many often mistaken her kindness for weakness. They underestimated her. He never did.
She closed her eyes as she felt a wave is nausea overcome her. She pressed a hand against her stomach, willing or away,'I need you to get something in your head. I don't want you around me anymore.'
He narrowed his eyes as he shook his head.'There ain't no doubt in my mind about that.' He nodded his head affirmatively,'You're tough as nails.'
He knew what the QZ entailed. He lived in one back in Boston. He didn't want her living like a vagrant and working for rationing tickets. She deserved a better life after all she endured. A comfortable life, back at the ranch. A life of peace and quiet. He didn't have anyone else to blame but himself for this.
She took the risk of looking over at him. He looked like shit. His hair was messy, sticking up in disarray like he had been continuously running his hands through it. He had heavy bags under his eyes and they were red and bloodshot, like he's been crying and hasn't slept for days.
He had a full beard and was wearing the same clothes she saw him in yesterday. If this was any other day, she would've felt sorry for him. She would've taken pity on him, but now she just felt satisfaction. She was glad he was hurt. He should be after everything he's done to them.
'You're hurting.' She sighed as she got up from the bed. She walked over to him and gripped the bars tightly, her eyes holding his gaze.
He had a surprised look on his face as he leaned in close to her with bated breath, his eyes wide and hopeful. She had a small smile on her face, her features softening,'Good. I'm glad you are. You deserve to be hurting after what you've done to me. I've given you everything that I am.' She could feel the tears threatening to spill from her eyes, but she wouldn't shed them in front of him. He didn't deserve them,'I loved you so much. I…shared so much with you. I…gave you my body after everything they've done to me.' She sneered and shook her head disgustedly,'And you accused me of being one of them. I married you. I…told you things I never told anyone. Not a single soul. How dare you.' She took a deep breath,'I want you to listen to me and hear me well. I don't want you trying to come and find me. From now on, you go about your day as if I never existed. You divorced me. I did exactly what you wanted. Leave me alone.'
Tears blurred his vision as he shook his head in disbelief. He's never seen her so cold and distant before. She was detached. There wasn't any life behind her eyes. He did that to her. He bowed his head, not wanting to see the hateful look in her eyes. He never hated himself more than he did in this moment.
He sighed shakily as he placed his hand over hers that was gripping the bars,'Please.' He shook his head as tears fell from his eyes,'I ain't ever begged anyone for anything a day in my life, but I'm begging ya. Please, baby. Please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll do anything to get ya to forgive me. I'll make it up to ya. I'll find out who's behind it. I'll keep ya here.'
'Don't do me any favors.' She snatched her hand out of his and bowed her head. As much as she couldn't stand the sight of him right now she didn't want to see him crying. Unlike him. She actually cared about others feelings,'I don't need your pity, Joel. You don't get to ruin my life and then come here and make yourself feel better about what you did. There isn't anything you can say to make this better.'
His eyes widened as he looked over his face. She truly looked done with him. This hurt the most. The finality of it and knowing she wanted nothing to do with him. There wasn't anything he could say to make it better.
He didn't know what he was going to say to Ellie. She regretted everything too. He felt like a failure.
Tears fell down his face as he took a few deep breaths,'I know that ya don't wanna hear this, but I love you.'
He sniffled roughly. He knew he looked like a sniveling mess, crying and sobbing like a pussy. He didn't give a damn how he looked in front of her. He was losing her and it was killing him. All because he acted first instead of reasoning with himself.
Maria helped him put things into perspective. Why would she keep all of that stuff in the closet of the guest bedroom where anyone could look? It was as if someone planted it there, knowing someone would find it. Becca was too smart to be so obvious. His wife was intelligent.
He shook his head and closed his eyes. She wasn't his wife anymore. She didn't want to be with him.
'I know you didn't do it.' He winced as he felt the pain in his chest,'I believe ya. I'll get ya outta here, Becca. Even if ya…ya don't wanna be with me. I'll get ya out. I won't let them take ya. I'll take ya wherever ya wanna go. I knock that son of a bitch outside clean out and get ya the fuck outta here.'
She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head,'You're an asshole.'
'No shit.' He snorted,'You just figured that out?'
She didn't appreciate what he was doing to her. She felt manipulated. Ben and David gaslighted her. The only difference is she trusted Joel. She never expected it from him.
'I really mean it.' She narrowed her eyes,'You're an honest to god asshole who does he care about anyone but themselves.' She was feeling the anger rise up in her as she balled her fists,'You…can't just do shitty things to me and expect for me to forgive you. Pretty words aren't going to work this time. You ruined my life. I really truly mean that.'
'You think I don't mean it when I say I love you?' He frowned as he placed his hand on his chest,'I swear on my life that I'm so in love with you that…' He choked out a sob,'It hurts worse than when I lost Sarah. I knew she wasn't coming back.' He stared at her as he cried openly, 'To know that you're alive…out there living without me makes me wanna die. I love you so much. So much. Please forgive me. I'll build a house anywhere ya want. We can leave Jackson. I'll go anywhere ya want.'
She closed her eyes as she sighed deeply. She thought about the child growing inside her. Their child. If he knew she was pregnant he would probably kidnap her and lock her up somewhere so she wouldn't leave him. He was very overprotective of his children.
Sharon and Maria agreed with her. They knew he would go mad with worry and hunt her down. He would want to be apart of his child's life. A part of her felt guilty from keeping it from him. A father deserved to know their child, but he was too unpredictable. She couldn't risk him changing his mind or mood depending on the circumstances and put a gun to her head again.
Sharon called it domestic abuse. She wasn't far off. He would never hurt her physically, but the damage he's done was irreparable. At least for now. Maybe time and distance is what they needed. She needed to put things into perspective.
She sighed and shook her head sadly, whispering,'Joel, you need to go. I'm leaving in a couple hours.'
He shook his head in disbelief, whispering,'No no no.' His tone was adamant,'You ain't leavin.' He raised his head up to look at her,'Tell me you don't love me.' She was silent as she stared down at the floor,'Tell me you don't love me. Tell me and I'll leave ya alone. I'll stop hopin. Tell me.'
She couldn't answer him. She wouldn't lie to him. She loved him. She was in love with him. That doesn't just go away over night. It's why she needed time away from him. She needed to get over him.
He nodded as he smiled tearfully,'You can't say it cause ya do.'
'It doesn't change anything, Joel.' She looked up at him and shook her head,'You know that I love you. I spent four years getting to know you. But you killed me that night. I…I had been so excited to come home to you and Ellie that day. I had something to…' She stopped herself before she could sag anything. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice,'You put a gun to my head for the second time. You turned everyone against me. I don't care about most of those people, but you wanna know what hurt me the most? You turned Ellie against me.' She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face,'You made my…daughter hate me. The things you said about me in front of her and your brother.'
Joel choked up and gripped the bars tightly, trying to lean into her,'Ellie regrets what she said. I told her to come and see ya, but she's too embarrassed. I'll make it right. I promise.' He frowned,'What did ya have to tell me that day?'
She laughed bitterly. She should've known. Nothing gets by him,'Nothing important.' She shook her head, whispering,'I would like you to leave now. I think we've said enough.'
'So that's it?' He shook his head and winced in pain,'After four years together, getting married and making all these plans for the future-this is gonna be it? The last time we see each other again?'
His heart pounded hard in his chest. He was panicking. He didn't want to lose her. Not her. She was his calm. She chased the demons away at night. Who was gonna hold him at night? She was his sense of solace and peace of mind. She was a goddamned privilege every single day he got to spend with her.
Flashes of memories came into his mind of the last four years. Meeting her in Silver Lake and traveling to the hospital. Coming to Jackson and slowly getting to know each other. How deeply he fell in love with her, but resisted at first. When he finally gave in. The kisses and touches. The first time they made love. Their wedding and their honeymoon weekend.
They had been happy. So happy. He was never going to feel that way again.
He stared at her in this dingy cell. She was wearing grey sweatpants and a grey sweater. She hated full colors and always favored bright ones. She shouldn't be wearing these dingy clothes. She should be wearing her clothes at home. She was too fucking beautiful to be here. Too good. She had a pure heart. He should be inside that cell for every evil he committed.
He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from begging again. He resisted the urge to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Fuck, he was such a selfish asshole. He missed her already. This hurt so goddamned bad. He didn't know how he would do this alone after having her. She was his best friend.
He blinked away tears as he swallowed harshly,'Thank you…for giving yourself to me. I ain't ever gonna forget anything. Not a damn thing. I'll be thinkin bout it for the rest of my goddamned sorry ass life. I know ya don't believe it, but I love you. I'll love you forever. I meant what I said in my vows. I'm so sorry I didn't believe you…but if…you ever wanna talk to me. You let Sharon know and I'll be on Dusty headin to wherever the fuck ya are. I'll drop everything for you. Anything. You're so important to me.'
She steeled her features. She was feeling her resolve breaking. He had a way of making her want to believe him. He knew her too well, but she's fell for it too many times. She felt like a fool.
'Goodbye, Joel.' She cleared her throat, whispering,'Give Ellie my love. Tell her she can have whatever she wants of mine.'
'You're not takin it?' He frowned as he looked over her face,'These fucks ain't letting ya bring your stuff? Your clothes. Your books.'
She shook her head and sighed,'I can only bring my essentials. They said it'll weigh us down.'
He took a deep breath to calm his rage. He was going to kill that fuck Bobby. He was going to make hell at the next council meeting. He mind end up in a QZ with her.
Now that's an idea. He wouldn't leave Ellie alone here. He didn't trust a lot of people here.
They were stripping away her dignity and pride. His sweet beautiful wife. He was going to rot in hell for what he's done.
'I'll make sure ya get your clothes.' He narrowed his eyes,'I don't give a shit what you say.'
She bit her tongue from telling him she didn't need the clothes. She wouldn't fit in them anyway. She would be showing in a couple months.
Joel's eyes lowered to her hands on her stomach. He remembered her getting sick in the council meeting. She wasn't eating. Her anxiety was getting the better of her
She stared up at him and frowned,'Please leave, Joel. I want to be alone.'
He stared hard at her for a long moment. A part of him hoped she would change her mind. The other part of him didn't want to leave. He didn't want to live off memory alone.
He nodded as he held her gaze for a moment, whispering,'I love you.'
She didn't respond and he walked out of the jail cell. She slumped down onto the bed and finally collapsed into tears. She covered her face in her hands as she sobbed into them.
She was fighting the urge to tell him to come back. It was the weaker side of her. It would happen again. It would always be something. He would press a gun to her head, threatening to shoot. She couldn't go through that again.
Maybe she was better off alone. No one could hurt her that way.
Joel walked out of the jailhouse and pulled his collar up his face. The deputy balked at him and hurriedly walked back into the jailhouse. He had been the little shit he knocked out. He would do it again if he found he was hurting his Becca.
He felt the searing pain in his chest and rubbed it soothingly. He leaned against the lamppost and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He felt that fear again. The panic of losing something.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Becca was sitting up in bed as the door opened. She saw the Sheriff and knew it was time. Good. She was ready and waiting. She wanted this all to be over with.
The Sheriff unlocked the cell as the deputy chained and handcuffed her, which she thought was a little excessive. Where the hell would she go in the snow? How would she escape?
They draped a coat over her shoulders, which smelled of stale sweat. She scrunched her nose, feeling the nausea come over her. She was feeling another bout of morning sickness. It was going to be a long ride to wherever the hell she was going.
They walked her outside and she saw a couple men on their horses. Their mouths and noses were covered in bandanas to keep their identities hidden. Cowboy hats were lowered down their faces. They were each carrying rifles and built like brick houses. Of course.
She saw Sharon standing there. Her eyes widened when she saw Maria and Tommy there. She wasn't surprised to see Joel standing in the distance. His arms were crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall.
She wondered what was going through his mind in that moment. She wondered why she even cared. She turned her head away from him as Sharon walked up to her.
Sharon held her face in her hands and kissed her forehead, whispering,'I'll be seeing you soon. Take care. I love you.'
She nodded as tears filled her eyes,'I will. Thank you. I'll see you soon. I love you too.'
Maria ran over to her and wrapped her arms around her, disregarding the rules. She kissed her cheek, whispering in her ear,'I'll come when I can. I'll give Sharon things for you and…'
Becca was grateful she didn't mention the baby and kissed her cheek,'Thank you.'
She looked over at Joel, who was staring at her desperately. He looked as if he wanted to do something, but she knew he wouldn't. He would respect her wishes.
The Sheriff placed a black bag over her head. They didn't want to risk her knowing where they were going. In case anyone helped her to escape.
She didn't like being chained up and bagged like this. She felt suffocated. She was claustrophobic and had panic attacks. PTSD. She also felt sick on top of it.
Joel was already fed tasted to see her leaving to begin with, but when they placed the bag over her head that was the final straw. He knew she hated being confined. It reminded her of David and the cult. He would often use these tactics to control her.
His eyes widened as he heard her cough. Fuck no. Enough is enough. She made her point.
He made a beeline towards her. He didn't give a damn if the sheriff or deputy shot at him.
He pushed easily through the deputy and pulled the bag off her face. Her eyes widened up at him. She saw the satisfied look on his face,'You're outta your fucking mind.'
He nodded and smirked,'Just figured that out too, huh?' He shook his head, whispering so only she could hear,'Just say the word. Say the word and I'll break their goddamn necks. We'll head out further West. There's another community in California. You always wanted the beach. Summer all the time and the mountains.'
She could picture the dreamy picture in her mind. They could get out from under the dreary weather and head out west where the sun shines all the time. They both favored the heat. The south burning deep through their blood.
It's all it was though. A fantasy.
She shook her head sadly and frowned,'Go home to Ellie. She needs you.'
He wanted to ask her about what she needed, but the deputy pulled her away from him. He jerked on the chains and her face paled.
Joel gripped the deputy by the collar and easily lifted him against the wall. The men on the horses aimed their rifles at him. He was unafraid. They could shoot him feed for all he cared. He was frightened to lose her though.
He would burn them all to hell if it meant keeping her safe. He felt like such a failure. He assumed the worst and didn't give her a chance to defend herself. He was the lowest scum of the Earth. He didn't blame her for hating him. He hated himself.
Joel leaned in close to him, whispering,'I ain't gonna tell ya again. You don't fuckin touch her. Or you're gonna have to go through me.'
The deputy's eyes widened as he visibly gulped,'I'm sorry, sir.'
The sheriff rolled his eyes and sighed exasperatingly,'Jesus Christ, Harold. Grow some balls.' He shook his head,'No bag. Just blindfold.' He looked at Joel,'That alright with you? Since you seem to be the one charge round here.'
Joel narrowed his eyes at the sheriff and pointed at Becca,'She's in charge of her life. Not me.'
Becca averted her eyes between the two men and pursed her lips,'I'm just ready to get this over with.'
Becca averted her eyes warily between the two men. She wasn't comfortable with them escorting her. She was heartbroken when Sharon told her she and Maria could take her. She didn't trust strange men.
Joel saw the uneasiness on her face and frowned. He followed her line of sight, seeing her staring at the deputies in their horses. She didn't like it. He knew her inside and out. She also knew him better than he knew himself.
Joel turned to her and cupped her chin, slowly lifting her head up to look at him,'Just say the word.'
She jerked her head out of his grasp,'I'm tired of running, Joel. You are too.'
Tears burned his eyes as he looked up at the deputies on horses. There was a fire in his gaze as he balled his hands into tight fists,'If Becca tells Sharon either one of ya shit faces tries something funny with her. I will kill your in front of your wives.'
Becca's she's widened, knowing he was serious and stupid. She was just tired of prolonging the inevitable.
The sheriff sighed and placed Becca on his horse. He took off the shackles around her feet, but kept her hands bound. She conceded to being blindfolded, not wanting anymore trouble.
Joel didn't even get a chance to bid her a farewell. There was so much more he wanted to tell her in the jail cell. He waited outside the jailhouse in the freezing cold waiting until it was time for her to leave.
He debated breaking her out of jail and taking her against her will. He seriously debated if she would forgive him for that, but he didn't want to take her unwillingly. It had to be her choice.
Tears blurred his vision as he watched the sheriff's horse walk through the open gates. There was only a brief glimpse of her before the gates were secured shut-completely blocking his view of her leaving.
He broke down into sobs as he fell down onto his knees in the snow. He was oblivious to anyone around him. He just wanted his wife. His love. His life. He didn't even know where she was going.
Sharon refused to tell him. He tried threatening her, but she not one to be intimidated. He only made a half hearted attempt. He had respect for the lady. He liked her. Becca also wouldn't forgive him.
He wondered if he would ever see her again. Did he lose her forever? Would she want him back? She left without any parting words. Her face tired and frustrated. She should be laid in bed curled up against him right now cuddled under the blankets. Her warm and soft body pressed against his.
They would be tangled underneath the covers right now. His face would be buried in her cunt right now or inside her tight and warm body. Before he left the bed every morning, they would make each other feel good. They liked to start their day off right. What would he do without that? He could already feel himself going insane without her.
Fuck, he missed her already.
Tommy crouched down behind him and placed his hand on his shoulder,'Come on, man. Let's get you home.'
He jerked his shoulder out of his grasp and sneered,'I can take myself home. I'm a grown ass man.'
Joel slowly pushed himself up from the ground. He stumbled slightly and leaned against the lamppost. He was so sick with sadness and worry. He could feel the dread slowly spreading over him.
Sharon sighed and walked over to him. She placed her hand on his back, rubbing it comfortingly,'I know that you feel guilty for what happened.'
'I tried, Sharon.' He shook his head and sobbed softly,'I tried to talk to her and ask her to forgive me.' He gasped out a sob,'I told her I knew it wasn't her. She didn't want to hear me.' He closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks,'She doesn't want anything to do with me.'
Sharon frowned as she looked up at him. Her heart went out to him, but she didn't feel sorry for him. Not really. He was the one who caused all this mess in the first place, but he regretted. She always knew he would be. He just realized it too late.
Hopefully, they could salvage something between them. She was pregnant with his child. While it wasn't her business to tell him; she hoped Becca would come around. Every child deserved to know their father. She knew Becca would come around, but she needed time to work on things.
Sharon patted his back and sighed,'I'm gonna make sure she's taken care of, Joel. I can promise you that.'
Joel frowned as he crossed his arms over his chest,'I should be the one taking care of her. She's my wife.'
'Not anymore she isn't.' Maria chimed in,'You made sure of that when you threw the ring in her face.'
Tommy placed his hands on his wife's shoulders and looked up at Joel warily,'Let's get home to the baby.'
Maria glared at Joel as Tommy led her away. There wasn't anything Joel could say to defend himself. She was absolutely right. He was at fault for what's happened. Every little bit of it is fault.
Everyone left him, leaving him standing there all alone. He stared at the closed gates. He could get on his horse and chase after them. He could follow them. She couldn't see where she was going. She didn't trust strange men.
She didn't want him to come after her. She wouldn't want to go with him. He would only be forcing her hand. He wanted her to be with him for the right reasons. Not because he forced her hand.
He sighed shakily as he turned around and walked back to the house. He stared up at the house. He didn't want to go inside. He didn't want to go up to their room alone. Everything still smelled like her. It reminded him of her.
He cried silently as he walked into the barn. He sobbed softly as he slid the gun out from the back of his jeans. He slumped back against the wall and slid down to the floor.
He held the sides of his head and closed his eyes, whispering to himself,'Please go away. Please make this stop. Please. Please.'
He never remembered hurting this badly. It was the worst pain he's ever felt in his life. Nothing compared to this. He wanted to die. He didn't want to leave if he had to be without her.
Ellie would be okay. She was strong and independent. She didn't need him. Not really anyway. She was about to turn eighteen years old. She had friends, a girlfriend and was building her own life separate from him. She would be sad, but she would move on and forgot all about him.
He cocked the gun as he pressed it to his temple. He was reminiscent of when he lost Sarah. He had been such a mess. He wanted to die then too, but he wouldn't miss this time.
He thought about Becca and the devastated look in her eyes when he tried to kill her. The fear and sadness as he screamed in her face. All of the horrible things he said to her. He deserved to die.
Sadie started neighing loudly, grasping his attention. He looked over at the horse, seeing the saddle Becca and Ellie got him for Christmas. They had been so excited to show him.
He pulled himself up from the floor. His legs were shaky as he walked over to Sadie. He placed his hand on her head and stroked her softly,'What you tryin to tell me, girl? I miss mama too. I miss her so much.'
He swallowed harshly as he read over the inscription on the saddle. He lowered the gun as he nodded determinedly,'I'm gonna bring her back to us, girl.'
He could see the sadness in Sadie's eyes. Becca had raised her and her sister for on her own. They haven't gone this long without her. They missed their mama.
He averted his eyes between Sadie and Dusty, knowing what he had to do. He needed to bring her home. Regardless of what she thought. She didn't deserve this. He would make it right.
Come hell or high water.