Chapter 63: Bloodbaths and Equinophobia
Narrator: A loud smack and a yell echo through the cabin!
Narrator: Let's find out who got their ass handed to them! *opens door* It's Inuyasha!
Yashie: WHAT THE FUCK, BITCH?!
Kagome: *pops up sleepily* ...Huh?
Yashie: You just smacked me in the face, damnit!
Kagome: ...Wha?
Miroku: *whispering to himself* Is she drunk already?
Kagome: I wake up like this normally, Miroku
Kagome: I need coffee
Kagome: *pours herself a cup but Miroku takes it away*
Miroku: The glorious mountain air is enough to wake you up, Kagome dear
Kagome: *slowly turns her head to stare at him like a horrifying Japanese Annabelle doll* Miroku...
Miroku: *eyes her distrustfully*
Kagome: Give me back my coffee, or so help me, Miroku, I will put you on an equestrian farm and leave you there
Kagome: I know how you feel about horses
Miroku: *pale and shaking as he hands her back her coffee*
Kagome: *nods, taking the mug and sipping it lightly*
Kagome: *passes him by and raises her hand*
Miroku: *flinches; expecting a hit*
Kagome: *gently pats his head* Good boy.
Sango: *walks in groggily* Kagome, why are you torturing my husband?
Kagome: He took my coffee
Sango: *shrugs* valid. *makes herself some tea* so what are we doing today?
Kagome: Can we-
Miroku: No
Kagome: But-
Miroku: NO
Kagome: *pouts*
Sango: come on, Roku, can't we just relax for once?
Miroku: but there's so much to do!
Sango: *gives him a dead stare*
Kagome: *gives Miroku puppy-dog eyes*
Miroku: *sigh* fine...I think there's a massage on here...or a hot spring or something...
Miroku: *studying brochure*
Kagome: *strips and changes into a bath towel*
Yashie: *blinks*
Sango: well clearly Kagome wants to do something naked
Miroku: *still studying map and turning it at different angles* no surprise there...okay I think there's a spa day thing...
Sango: *grabs map* I can find it. Just get ready.
Kagome: *grabs Yashie's pants by the waist and yanks them down*
Miroku: *screams* MY EYESSS
Sango: *covers eyes* I DON'T THINK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO STRIP UNTIL WE GET THERE
Kagome: Fuck that
Kagome: Rokyyyy, wanna strip Sannie?
Miroku: *uncovers his eyes, wide and happy*
Miroku: *sees Inuyasha again* NONONONONONONO
Inuyasha: what's the problem?
Kagome: Yeah, what's your deal? *towel slips off*
Kagome: Oops *doesn't make a move to pick it up*
Sango: *leads a wailing Miroku out of the cabin* you two should be ashamed of yourselves
Narrator: once everyone finally gets ready and they find the spa place...
Sango: *still fully clothed* we really have to all get in the same pool? together?
Spa lady: it's part of the...team-building experience...just get in *shuffles away suspiciously*
Miroku: it can't be that bad...
Narrator: Ten minutes later!
Miroku: I was wrong
Miroku: I was SO wrong
Kagome: *down to a towel and chugging vodka compulsively*
Rin: *periodically splashing everyone with the hot water*
Kagome: *gets smacked by exceedingly hot water but doesn't care*
Sesshomaru: *trying to hibernate*
Inuyasha: *splashes Sesshomaru with water*
Sesshomaru: *eyes shoot open, blood red*
Inuyasha: *immediately retreats to Kagome's side*
Kagome: *douses Sesshomaru with vodka*
Miroku: *tries to comfort Sango with a hug*
Sango: *splashes him furiously*
Kagome: *shoves a bottle of gin in Fluffy's mouth*
Rin: *pouring rum into the pool* WOOHOOOOO
Kagome: *dives in and starts drinking the rum*
Miroku: Sango save me! I think I see a shark!
Miroku: *clutches Sango around the waist*
Kagome: *sneaks up behind Miroku and grabs his ankle in an iron grip*
Miroku: *high-pitched yelp*
Kagome: *resurfaces with a laugh, rum dripping from her mouth*
Sango: Kagome! STOP TORTURING MY MAN! That's my job!
Kagome: *pouts* Fiiiine
Spa lady: *comes back and gasps* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SPRING!
Kagome: Made it like twenty times better
Spa lady: this was supposed to be a relaxing day where you all float around naked as I slowly boil you to death! Now I don't have anything to eat for dinner!
Kagome: Does that mean you're a demon? *grins maniacally*
Spa lady: *blinks and then breaks into a run*
Kagome: *jumps out of spring naked and sprints after her*
Kagome: *laughing evilly as she chases the woman with magic curling around her hand*
Narrator: Only minutes after the two disappear, screams of agony echo throughout the forest
Narrator: Followed quickly by Kagome's maniacal laughter
Inuyasha: *smirks* that's my woman
Rin: HOW COME SHE GETS TO MURDER SOMEONE?!
Sesshomaru: Because she has had a mental lapse
Rin: ...I WANT A MENTAL LAPSE
Sesshomaru: You have one everyday, Rin
Miroku: *gets out of the pool in his underwear and offers a hand to Sango* shall we?
Sango: *takes it, stands up and sighs* this is what we get for trying to relax
Yashie: *stands up*
Yashie: *walks over to the cliff and pisses off of it, hitting a few hikers with his urine stream*
Hikers: GROSS
Sango: I need a nap
Miroku: You can always use my lap, love
Sango: even ignoring the connotations of my head being in your lap...which I wouldn't mind...I think I'd prefer a bed
Yashie: *still pissing on the hikers who haven't bothered to move*
Hikers: *glaring through piss stream* Dude, seriously?!
Yashie: Move if you don't like it
Kagome: *stumbles back into the area, still naked, yet now covered in blood* Okay, that was fun.
Inuyasha: *stares at Kagome dumbstruck, still pissing*
Miroku: I should be afraid to ask, but what did you do?
Kagome: *smiling brightly* Well, what are your thoughts on underwater suffocation?
Yashie: Shit, that's hot
Miroku: if you drowned her, why are you covered in her blood..?
Sango: Miroku! You should know by now not to ask questions like that!
Kagome: *still smiling, just wider, like Rin did at her birthday* I had fun, that's why
Miroku: *has a sudden urge to pull out another research notebook but knows he shouldn't and doesn't have one anyways*
Sango: okay, well, I'm gonna head back to the cabin now...
Kagome: Have fun!
Miroku: but love! You'll miss the next activity! *whispers* please don't leave me with these people
Sango: you're on your own! *stalks off into the forest*
Kagome: *jumps back into the hot tub, the somewhat clear water turning dark with blood*
Rin: *eyes light up*
Sesshomaru: Rin, please do not drink the dirty whore water
Kagome: What was that about whores, Barbie?
Sesshomaru: you heard me, peasant.
Inuyasha: *finally stops pissing* HEY! Don't talk to her like that!
Sesshomaru: oh don't worry, brother. She's perfect for you.
Kagome: I happen to be VERY rich, Barbie
Kagome: So shut your stripping, pedophilic mouth.
Yashie: HOT
Rin: What's pedophilic?
Kagome: He fucks children
Rin: HEY I'm eighteen!
Kagome: You're barely not jailbait, Rin
Kagome: Countless homicide charges notwithstanding
Sesshomaru: *was about to pretentiously call Kagome a prostitute but now has gone pale*
Miroku: *trying to carefully inch his way away from the scene, as he is the only mortal there*
Kagome: Don't even think about it, Miroku
Miroku: But-
Kagome: Equestrian. Farm.
Miroku: *gulps and shuts up*
Rin: what's equestrian mean?
Kagome: Horsies
Rin: ohhh...daddy doesn't like horses. He says they taste funny
Kagome: Gross. My mother owned a horse, but it-
Kagome: *turns to stare at Sesshomaru with astounding calm* You ate her fucking award winning horse, didn't you, Barbie McChildFucker
Sesshomaru: and it remains the worst meal I've ever had. I bet you would taste worse, however, considering that your diet consists mainly of semen
Kagome: Actually, it consists of the blood of anyone dumb enough to cross me, Mister Stick My Dick In Tiny And Crazy.
Rin: what's a dick?
Kagome: Sesshy's pants surprise
Sesshomaru: I shouldn't have to inform you of this, but Rin is still a virgin
Rin: I WANT A PANTS SURPRISE
Kagome: Not for long, apparently
Kagome: *points at Rin, who appears to be getting pretty handsy with some other guests*
Sesshomaru: RIN. Stop that. We do not touch people's pants without asking
Rin: I DO WHAT I WANT *yanks the stranger's pants down*
Stranger: Jesus Christ, kid!
Rin: I'M EIGHTEEN, YOU SMALL INSUFFERABLE LIFE FORM!
Sesshomaru: if you do not remove yourself right this minute, young lady, I will be forced to eradicate that man
Rin: I dare you!
Stranger: Please don't! I didn't do anything!
Kagome: *excitedly watching*
Sesshomaru: *lifts a glowing clawed finger*
Stranger: *screams like a girl and runs away, Rin clutching his ankles*
Sesshomaru: I will be back for you later, peasant. *flies off after them, hands glowing green with poison*
Kagome: Go ahead and try, RuPaul's Drag Race reject! I bet you have to fuck a crocodile, because any woman is too sane to go near you!
Kagome: You look like Sailor Moon after rehab and a lot of meth!
Inuyasha: oh babe, it's so hot when you verbally destroy my brother like that
Kagome: Wanna hold those hikers down and get busy on them?
Yashie: *grins widely* You know me too well
Inuyasha: or we could do it in the bloody pool
Kagome: Either is good
Inuyasha: how about both?
Kagome: *drops down, grabs the hikers, throws them into the blood hot tub, and jumps in*
Miroku: *runs away through the bushes* I DON'T WANNA BE HERE I DON'T WANNA BE HERE I DON'T WANNA BE HERE SANGOOOO PLEASE SAVE ME
Narrator: Much later!
Kagome: *leans back* Well that was fun
Kagome: *frowns and looks down into the bloody water* Hey, they've been under there for a while *pulls one up and stares at the blue face, slowly dropping it back into the water* Huh...Oh well!
Inuyasha: *buts both arms on the edge of the pool* Christ, we haven't had that much fun since before Aiko was born
Kagome: I know right?...Hey, we did drop her off at my mom's house before we left, right?
Yashie: *pauses*
Kagome: *eyes go wide* FUUUUUUUCK! FUCK YOU MIROKU FOR DRAGGING US ON THIS! *jumps out, pulls clothes onto her bloody body and runs into the woods*
Inuyasha: GODDAMNIT *runs after her, trying to keep his hammerpants from falling down*
Kagome: *steals a gun from someone and also steals a car from someone else on the main road, driving back to their house as fast as she can*
Yashie: *picks up Kagome's cell phone, staring at it* I know her mom's number, right?
Yashie: *types in a number on the keypad with his claws and gets it right on the first try*
Midori Higurashi: Hello dear, what's going on?
Yashie: Hi, Mom. Miroku dragged me and Kagome to this retreat thing. We DID put Aiko in your care before we left, right?
Midori: Oh yes! You dropped her off early Monday morning. She's actually right here, just finished burping her. Say hi to Daddy, baby girl!
Aiko: *babbles incoherently into the receiver and burps lightning*
Yashie: Huh..Okay. Well, Kagome wasn't sure, and she ran off before I could stop her. She also stole someone's gun, and another person's car, and she's probably tearing down the nearest highway to get home quickly.
Midori: *sighs but remains sweet-sounding* this wouldn't be the first time. Thank you for the warning dear
Yashie: No problem. Oh, and she's also covered in blood.
Midori: I'll have the bath ready for her
Yashie: And she's also naked
Midori: *somehow still sweet sounding* I'll also have a set of clothes set out for her
Yashie: you're the best...mom *tears up a bit*
Midori: Yes, I know. Love you, dear. *hangs up*
Narrator: meanwhile, back at the cabins, Miroku is looking for Sango but cannot find her
Miroku: Saaango! Where are you? *pauses and inhales to sing*
Sango: *almost curious as to what he'll sing but not in the mood* don't you dare
Miroku: *freezes* You have to hide me, love! They went nuts! Inuyasha went back to peeing on those hikers, Kagome got into a fight with Sesshomaru and called him a multitude of things, Rin apparently wants penis for some reason, the man she targeted wanted none of it and ran away with her still attached to his legs and Sesshomaru followed! Kagome and Inuyasha then decided to fuck in the bloody hot tub! I left them
Sango: *contemplates for a moment* I don't think they're after you
Miroku: I don't care! Hide me! *jumps on her and hides his face in her chest*
Miroku, muffled: Kagome said she'd leave me on an equestrian farm... *anime tears leak from his eyes as he snuggles Sango's chest*
Sango: christ, you're like a leech *tries to push him off of her but he just sticks*
Miroku: I need your protection from their insanity! *vaguely hears the roar of an engine in the distance and horrified screams, hugging her tighter*
Sango: *sighs* fine, I'll protect your equinophobic ass
Miroku: *gasps, finally tearing away from her* A horse kicked me in my special place! I have a right to be afraid of them!
Miroku: It took eight hours and three proctologists to fix me!
Fire: ((When I typed fix, it autocorrected to 'fuck'
Panda: ((That's a whole porno right there. Sango would've gone absolutely nuts
Fire: ((THIS JUST IN; MIROKU CAN GO ALL NIGHT!
Sango: is that why it's crooked?
Miroku: *hears evil laughter and squeezes her again*
Sango: there really isn't anywhere to hide
Miroku: Then bury me with an air tube!
Miroku: I shall become a hermit to hide from Kagome and her questionable sanity
Sango: it isn't even questionable anymore, it's just...gone. But no, thanks, I'd rather my husband not live as a hermit
Miroku: I'd rather live as a hermit than not live at all, love
Sango: you'll live. Kagome is not going to kill you, solely because you are my husband
Miroku: you really think so?
Sango: yes. Dumbass.
Miroku: *freezes as Inuyasha walks into the area*
Yashie: So Kagome ran off.
Yashie: Once we were done with our fun on top of those hikers in the hot tub, we couldn't remember if we dropped Aiko off at Midori's. Kagome freaked, jumped out of the hot tub, stole a gun and someone's car, and sped out
Yashie: Meanwhile, I called Midori. Aiko is there, and safe. We apparently dropped her off the morning we left.
Yashie: Which, by the way, Miroku?
Miroku: Yes?
Yashie: *punches him in the face* If you ever wake either of us up that early again, I will hurt you worse than this. We were so tired, we couldn't remember who we left our month old daughter with
Narrator: A helicopter flies overhead, a camera recording the carnage live*
Yashie: *watches the helicopter* Huh..
Miroku: My trip... *sobbing*
Yashie: I guess all the bodies have been found. Kagome's victims, Rin's, Sesshomaru's, and mine.
Sango: to be fair, one of them was planning to boil us all alive
Sango: are we just gonna ignore that?
Miroku: Apparently
Miroku: Besides, Kagome clearly brutally murdered her and left her somewhere to rot
Sango: if there's anything left...
Yashie: Probably. And she definitely drowned her. Kagome was wet and bloody when she came back
Miroku: holy hell, if she was still alive to be drowned, Kagome must have ripped her apart after she was already dead...
Miroku: *flinches as several severe sirens blare in the distance, along with fire trucks and ambulances*
Miroku: It appears Kagome is making quick work of anyone who gets in her way to find Aiko
Yashie: Hot
Sango: well, seeing as Miroku and I are the only ones who didn't murder anyone, I say we should be allowed to escape on our own
Yashie: I'll get out on my own
Sango: thanks Yash. I'm only worried about Sesshomaru making an appearance in the press...
Yashie: The news will probably make him out to be the cause of this shit...
Fire: ((He's labeled a danger to society and citizens are warned to stay inside and place protective wards
Panda: ((Sesshomaru becomes an urban legend
Miroku: and he won't even care...that's just gonna cause a lot more deaths...
Sango: *shrugs* population control. Now let's get the hell out of here
Yashie: *leaves on his own*
Sango: *drags Miroku back to the car*
Miroku: My trip...
Sango: listen, we all knew it wasn't going to work. Just look forward to our honeymoon
Narrator: And as the car peels away and Inuyasha jumps tree tops, a scream is heard in the forest as a man runs through, his pants around his ankles as he runs from a black haired eighteen year old, his right arm missing.