Chapter 65: "Nothing!"
Narrator: let's...backtrack a little bit...
Miroku: you girls better not get too crazy either! *says it like a dad and winks*
Kagome: Whatevs. Bye.
Sango: so...what do you guys have planned?
Kagome:...Uhhhhh. What can we do that doesn't involve strippers or sleeping with random assholes?
Sango: weren't you supposed to have this planned out ahead of time?
Kirara: How about-
Kagome: No
Kirara: Or-
Kagome: Kirara, I love you, but you're a whore. None of your suggestions will work
Kirara: Oh and you aren't a whore?
Kagome: Unlike you, I only sleep with one man
Sango: I dunno guys, this is my only night to be crazy, maybe we should do something exciting
Kagome: Can we zipline again?
Kirara: What now?
Sango: we just did that two days ago!
Kagome: But it was fun
Kagome: Ugh, fine
Kagome: Hmmm...drunk free for all?
Kirara: I'm sorry, what?
Sango: well it's too early for that!
Kagome: Sango learned how to fight drunk. You were there, weren't you? Oh and she taught me too
Sango: fighting drunk is a useful skill to be used when necessary, Kagome, not a party activity
Kagome: Well if it's too early...*trails off*
Kagome: *holds up a platinum credit card* Wanna go on a shopping spree?
Kirara: Where the hell did you get that?
Kagome: Fluffy's pocket. For an old as dirt demon who's supposedly the deadliest one alive, he sure isn't all that careful about where he puts his cards.
Rin: you stole from daddy?
Kagome: Nope.
Kagome: He mentioned it was there, asked me to grab it for him, but he never said to give it to him
Kagome: Coincidentally, he forgot about it entirely. And here we are
Sango: Kagome, when he sees the charges you put on that, there'll be hell to pay
Kagome: Not if we do this
Kagome: *pulls on blonde wig and piles on a ton of make up*
Kagome: If you put your makeup on right, you'll just look like an American whore
Sango: he's going to see the charges on his credit card bill.
Kagome: Doesn't matter if the stores don't see our faces
Sango: he's going to know!
Rin: well I can just tell him I spent the money!
Rin: that is...if we buy things that I like.
Kirara: I say we go for Rin's plan. Judging by her outfit...we must have similar tastes
Kagome: Have you SEEN my wardrobe?
Fire: ((Her wardrobe is two extremes; hippie or whore. No in between
Kagome: At least I'm trying to suggest something to do
Kagome: Jesus Sango, for someone who's getting married, you sure have a stick up your ass about the law and the possibility of death
Kagome: We promised Miroku and Yashie we wouldn't be whores if they wouldn't
Kagome: Which leaves little actual fun to do at a bachelorette party
Sango: *sighs* I suppose I could have you three dress me up...
Kagome: Sweet
Kirara: *grins* Rin, can you take the blame for traveling in style?
Rin: Sure!
Narrator: Rin calls for a stretch limo, threatens the driver with her chainsaw to take them to the closet shopping center
Kirara: Rin, I don't think you need to threaten the driver if you're planning on paying him
Rin: *throws cash at the driver, still having the chainsaw pointed at him* Huh?
Kagome: *pouring herself and Sango a glass of Chardonnay*
Kirara: *chortles* I admire how forward Rin is with her kinks
Sango: pretty sure you're misreading the situation there...
Rin: What's a kink? *chainsaw roars*
Kagome: *ignores the chainsaw and pours herself another glass* I don't think she's a sadist, Rara
Kirara: oh trust me. It's always sexual.
Rin: What's-
Kagome: You don't wanna know
Narrator: At the first store!
Kagome: *screaming at representative with Rin holding her chainsaw threateningly* WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE HER FUCKING SIZE YOU BITCH?!
Sango: *pulls something off a hanger* hey, try this one
Kagome: *grabs a bikini top off another rank*
Rin: Is that even clothing? It looks like scrap
Kagome: My wardrobe consists of two extremes; hippie and whore. No in between
Sango: hey, what should I try on?
Kagome: *throws magenta and black dress at her*
Sango: *frowns* alright...
Kagome: I know your size
Kagome: And what you like. Trust me for once
Sango: *retreats to dressing room*
Kagome: *picks out a maxi skirt to go with the bikini top and goes into a dressing room*
Rin: remember! Only things that I would wear
Kagome: *throws Sesshomaru's card at her from inside the dressing room*
Sango: *pushes dressing room door open* this is extremely slutty
Kagome: *comes out of the other dressing room in a bikini top and a maxi skirt* It's not that bad. Mine barely had anything covering my nipples
Kagome: Who fucking designed this shirt?
Kagome: *glances over and sees a strap on, frowning and looking around for once* Oh. Rin, it seems you brought us into a sex shop.
Kagome: Kirara must be in heaven
Kirara: *throwing cosplay after cosplay into a cart with an excited look in her eyes*
Sango: Jesus Christ... *disappears back into the dressing room*
Kagome: *goes back into the dressing room and changes back into her normal clothes*
Kagome: Okay so we're just gonna leave Kirara here, sound good?
Sango: yeah...sesshomaru would NOT be happy with those credit card charges...and if he got mad she would try to flirt with him...it wouldn't end well
Everyone: *leaves the sex shop and Kirara behind*
Kagome: Why don't we go to Macy's or something
Kagome: I forgot I have my own cards...whoops. *holds up wallet that has four black Amex cards in it*
Sango: sounds like a plan...we also need bridesmaid dresses
Kagome, boisterously: TO DAVID'S BRIDAL
Narrator: At David's Bridal!
Kagome: I said a sweetheart neckline, you unfashionable cow.
Rin: Strapless! With a cutout!
Kagome: Rin, you're only eighteen. Neko or not, Fluffy would kill me if we bought you a dress that made you look like a hooker
Sales attendant: *worriedly watching on, hoping the three don't set the merchandise on fire*
Sango: LADIES. I'm the bride, so I decide
Kagome: We're picking bridesmaid dresses
Kagome: Also, I call Maid of Honor
Rin: MINE
Kagome: I will let you have a strapless dress
Rin: ...
Sango: I don't care if you're the bridesmaids, it's my wedding
Kagome: Hey Sango? How are ya gonna wear a veil with...uhh... *gestures to her friend's tall rabbit ears*
Sango: I'm sure they have special cuts for demons...right? Do they have stores for that?
Kagome: Don't ask me.
Kagome: If Yashie and I ever get correctly married, I'll let ya know
Rin: *loudly to the sales attendant* excuse me, miss, do you have veils for half demons?
Sales attendant: *startled* excuse me?
Sango: *whisper-shouting* Rin! You cannot announce that in public!
Sango: maybe we can special order one online...
Kagome: I doubt it, but go ahead and try
Kagome: Hey lady, do you sell wine here?
Sales attendant, shakily: Y-Yes...
Kagome: Great! *whips out her platinum card* Just charge it here. One bottle of white wine.
Sango: *picks out two red vintage-style off the shoulder dresses* try these on. And try not to spill wine on them
Kagome: With pleasure! *yanks one of the dresses from Sango's hand and runs into a dressing room, yanking the curtains closed behind her*
Rin: *grabs the other one* THIS LOOKS LIKE BLOOD ITS INCREDIBLE
Kagome, a few seconds later, still in the dressing room: Uhh...I think I may need a bigger size..
Rin: Too much junk in the trunk?
Kagome: Rin, I will fight you. And no, it's just that apparently human sizes do not match up to half demon sizes, especially in the bust department...
Sango: *throws a bigger size over the top of the door*
Kagome: Ow! *rubs her head from where the dress hanger hit her*
Kagome: *pulls the dress on* Just...one more...bit...
Kagome: DONE! *skips out of changing area, throwing the curtains aside* Man, zipping dresses up yourself is a pain in the ass
Kagome: Love the red though. *turns this way and that in the mirror*
Rin, from the dressing room: I CAN'T F*CKING ZIP THIS UP
Sango: YOU AREN'T EVEN A DEMON
Rin: Yes I am! Did you forget I'm a neko?!
Rin: I CAN'T REACH THE BACK!
Sango: FUCK. WELL LET ME HELP YOU
Kagome: *sips her wine casually*
Sango: *zips Rin up in one quick swipe, straightening her spine* be careful with that please
Kagome: Saying that isn't going to do anything
Rin, loudly: LIKE YOU SHOULD TALK
Kagome: At least I can legally have alcohol.
Kagome: *pulls out a book detailing magical regicide*
Sango: Well...FOR THE LOVE OF MOTHERFUCKING KAMI IF YOU SPILL EVEN A DROP OF ANYTHING ON THAT DRESS I WILL FUCKING RIP OUT YOUR SPINE. That better?
Kagome: Who is that directed at? Because I'm being careful. *spilling wine on the floor and chair but not a single drop lands on the dresses*
Sango: careful is not the word I would use...but you've been warned
Kagome: I'm making sure that the wine isn't going on the dresses. That's being careful.
Sango: now we have to find a size for Kirara...
Kagome: Oh and when you're ready to check out, just use this. *pulls her platinum card out of her cleavage and tosses it to Sango*
Sango: I can pay for my own wedding...
Rin: *looking at the dresses on the rack* do you think Kirara's the same size as you, Kagome? She's skinner, but she has a bigger ass
Kagome: Her ass IS fatter than mine. But then again, she prefers anal and I don't.
Rin: What's anal?
Kagome: Nevermind!
Sango: you made me nervous, Kagome, for a second I thought you might be pregnant again
Kagome: Huh?
Kagome: You think I'm letting Yashie anywhere near my hole without a cover? So soon after Aiko?
Sango: that's why I was worried. But you never know
Kirara: *bursts through the door holding four full shopping bags* did someone say anal?
Kagome: Fuck
Kagome: *picks a red dress off a rack and tosses it on Kirara's head* Try this on
Kirara: *frowns* this isn't nearly as slutty as I would have preferred...but okay *goes to the dressing room*
Kagome: *thinking* Whore
Rin: hey after this we should go cake tasting!
Kagome: Sounds good.
Kagome: After that we need a venue, and transportation and a place for Smart and Stupid to honeymoon.
Sango: I wish we could go to Paris for our honeymoon...but after the airport incident...I don't think I'd be allowed back
Sango: I don't think I'd be allowed to travel anywhere, actually
Kagome: Hold on! *stands up, splashing Kirara, who just came out of the dressing area, in the face with wine*
Kirara: KAGOME! *somehow none of the wine got on the actual dress*
Kagome: I've been practicing my portal creation skills! I can create a fully functional, safe and durable portal to anywhere in the world!
Sango: oh hell no, I'm not trusting you with that...
Kirara: don't you want to honeymoon somewhere special?
Kagome: She liked Paris. And apparently Stupid has been dreaming of fucking Sannie here in a Paris hotel room.
Sango: *sighs* I guess if it's our only option...
Kagome: Great! It'll be set up before the end of the month!
Kagome: It's a generally complicated spell, so I need a lot of time for preparation.
Kagome: *tears up* Daddy would be so proud of me..!
Kirara: *squeals* imagine all the sex you'll have!
Kagome: Remember, Sannie! Can't get pregnant in the back door!
Kirara: Yup!
Kagome: Just because I'm not a fan of back door action doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.
Sango: NO THANK YOU. Now all of you, get changed, I want some fucking cake
Kagome: *struts in changing room, yanks the dress off and pulls her clothes back on* Hey, do you mind if I order a batch of cupcakes? Mom's birthday is coming up
Sango: sure, I guess
Rin: why do you need to buy a fancy cake? I could just make one appear for you!
Kagome: NO!
Kagome: I still don't trust what was in those drinks at your eighteenth!
Sango: no offense, but magically-conjured cakes taste like chemicals...and I don't want to acquire any random magical powers like Kagome's "I need a drink" farts
Kagome: *farts and a Bloody Mary appears in her hand* Fuck you, Sango! *looks at the drink and shrugs, downing it*
Rin: I need a new chainsaw.
Kagome: *pauses and gets a look of pain* Fuck you too, Rin. *loud and long fart and a shiny red chainsaw appears in Rin's hands*
Sango: wow, that power really is evolving...now let's get the hell out of here, the sales attendant is staring
Sales attendant: *snaps head away from them to pretend she's minding her own business*
Kagome: *glares extra long at the attendant*
Kagome: Let's go.
Narrator: Everyone pays and leaves. Time for cake, motherfuckers!
Rin: Dairy Queen!
Kagome: It's Sango's wedding, not yours.
Sango: I think there's a nice bakery down the block from here
Kagome: Dope
Narrator: DOWN THE BLOCK!
Kagome: *opens the door*
Kanna: Hello and welcome to Kanna's Kreations. My name is Kanna, how can I help you today?
Kagome: Hey girl!
Kanna: Hi! How's your mom doing?
Kagome: Fine, thanks for asking. Oh but her birthday is coming up, so I wanna get her a batch of cupcakes. Oh and Sango's getting married so we're looking for cakes.
Kanna: Ooh, exciting. Your mom's order should be done before Thursdayand let me get the cake book for you girls.
Sango: thank you, Kanna.
Sango: do you come here often Kagome?
Kagome: Not really. I stop by now and then. When Naraku lost his life, Kanna consequentially lost the stick that was up her ass
Kagome: She's actually pretty dope to hang around. Nice person.
Kanna: Aww, thanks!
Sango: *flipping through cake book* can we have some samples of the coconut creme, devil's chocolate, and lemon buttercream?
Kagome: Devil's chocolate and lemon buttercream sound good
Kagome: Oh and that batch of cupcakes, can I order that in red velvet?
Kanna: Sure can! And yup, lemme just grab a few samples!
Sango: thank you!
Rin: I wish you had chosen red velvet, Sango. It's the only one that looks like blood
Kirara: I'll take coconut...for my coconuts ;)
Kanna: *runs back in a few minutes later with three plates* Here we go! One coconut creme, Devil's chocolate, and lemon buttercream!
Kagome: Kirara, take this fork and shove it up your vacuous vagina
Rin: *lunges for the chocolate*
Kagome: *yanks the plate away*
Kagome: *passes it calmly to Sango and blocks Rin's desperate grabs with a knife she hid in her bra* Bad Rin!
Rin: *eyes glowing red and mouth salivating*
Kanna: *hands Kagome a red velvet cupcake*
Kagome: *shoves the cupcake in Rin's mouth to keep her quiet*
Sango: *takes a bite of cake and feels like she's falling down the rabbit hole* oh my god
Kagome: *sniffs the cake* Holy fucking Devil's fuck in Hell.
Sango: go ahead, try some
Kagome: *take a fork from Kanna and takes a small piece, moaning in amazement* Kanna, can I keep you?
Sango: *tries the coconut and lemon cakes and feels like she's melting* hhhhhhhhh
Kagome: *tries the coconut* Damn, that's good and I don't even like coconut. *tries the lemon* Am I in heaven?
Kirara: *takes a fork and tries the coconut, then slowly nods* I would make love to this cake.
Sango: this got...oddly sexual...but holy hell
Kanna: *laughs lightly* have you made a decision?
Kagome: If I ever have a wedding, the lemon buttercream is a definite for me.
Sango: they're all so wonderful...can't I just have them all...
Kanna: you could order a three layer cake with one of each kind. It would be about $600
Kagome: I can pay for that. *whips her black Amex card out of her pants*
Sango: are you sure Kagome?
Kagome: Sign me the fuck up
Sango: best bachelorette party ever...I hope the guys are having this much fun...
Kagome: They better not be getting hit on by whores. I can have a hitman within fifteen minutes.
Kirara: *starts giggling*
Sango: what's so funny?
Kirara: *giggles louder* you know what would be funny?
Kagome: What?
Kirara: remember those videos you took of Sesshy dancing at Rin's party?
Kagome: *pauses and then grins widely* I like where this is going.
Rin: daddy's a wanted criminal now...posting those videos could send him to prison
Kagome: Well then we blur out his face
Kirara: that's too much work! I say we just post it anyways. He's a big strong man, he can handle it
Sango: you just get turned on by the thought of him murdering police officers
Kirara: You're not wrong about that, Sango
Kagome: Why don't we add in cute filters and music though?
Rin: I have the perfect app for that!
Kirara: so all in favor?
Kagome: Yup!
Rin: yes!
Sango: *smirks* go ahead.
Kagome: *grabs Rin and starts messing around with the phone*
Rin and Kagome: *yelling at eachother as they pick out filters and background music*
Sango: *takes care of the cake order*
Kirara: *shovels the last crumbs of cake into her mouth and licks the plates, giggling to herself*
Kagome: No! That's the wrong fucking filter! We need to accentuate his ass!
Rin: okay, okay, oooh how about we add some little hearts?
Kagome: Or bubbles?
Kagome: A BIG BULLSEYE ON HIS ASS
Kirara: *blurts out in a daze* PIN THE TAIL ON THE DADDY
Kagome: Ohmygod
Kagome: WHACK A DICK
Sango: you better hurry up and post it, the guys will be home soon
Kagome: *laughing as she and Rin manipulate the video with filters and making a mashup of Anaconda and I Like Big Butts and Dude looks like a Lady*
Kirara: *starts creeping around the store looking at all the cakes like she's a spy on drugs*
Kagome: And posted!
Sango: let the shitstorm commence
Kagome: And we're done! Kanna, we'll be in touch. Thanks for letting us come in!
Sango: thank you so much!
Rin: *readies the limo*
Kanna: No problem, ladies! Have a good day!
Kagome: *grabs a bottle of gin*
Kirara: *takes in a big whiff before exiting the shop*
Rin: look! They've refilled the champagne!
Kagome: Where to next, Sannie-Boo?
Sango: *lies down in the one seat and puts her arms behind her head* I need some relaxation time...and some champagne
Kagome: *grabs a bottle and pops the cork off, grabbing a champagne flute and pouring Sango a bubbling glass* Here
Sango: *takes the bottle out of her hands* thanks *tries to drink from it while lying down*
Kagome: Not gonna work babe. Not unless you wanna spill champagne all over yourself and the seat underneath you. *pushes Sango up and sits behind her to prop her up* Think of me as your chair, lovable bitch.
Sango: *grumbles and takes a gulp*
Kirara: yo does this thing have a skylight?!
Kagome: *clicks a button on the remote she's holding and the sunroof opens*
Kirara: *climbs out onto the roof* OH FUCK YEAH
Kirara: *strips her shirt off* Woohooo!
Rin: I wanna do that!
Sango: I think we've caused Sesshy enough heart attacks for one day...
Kagome: Maybe.
Kirara: *points at a random guy walking on the sidewalk* HEY YOU! Do you do anal?
Guy: What?
Kirara: ANAL! Five hundred bucks!
Kagome: *starts laughing disbelievingly*
Rin: *opens the divider between them and the driver* hey mister, what's anal?
Guy: Oh shit! Jailbait!
Kirara: I'm over a thousand years old! You can ass blast me!
Guy: Uhh, when I said jailbait, I meant her. *points at Rin* But sure, I can do anal. Can you let me stop at an ATM first?
Kirara: Yup! DRIVER! Pull over!
Driver: *too scared to disobey and pulls over immediately*
Sango: *chuckling while sipping champagne from the bottle* I'm surprised you aren't joining in on the fun, Kagome
Kagome: I'm not about to catch a disease, Sango. STDs can happen in the ass too, ya know.
Kirara: MY ASS AND COOTER ARE CLEAN, YOU WHORE
Kagome: I FUCKING DOUBT THAT, SLUT! I bet you're CRAWLING with diseases!
Sango: still, I never thought I'd see the day you pass up an opportunity to go shirtless in public and drink yourself into a coma
Kagome: Oh I can do both of those in my house. My penthouse has an open floor plan and wide glass windows. Along with a balcony.
Kagome: I have all the time in the world to strip to my shaved cooch and drink myself into a bloody coma.
Sango: well...I don't! *strips off her shirt (still wear a bra) and sits on the roof of the car, her toes dangling through the skylight, giggling at Kirara's antics*
Kagome: *shrugs and climbs on the roof as well, still nursing her champagne but not topless*
Kirara: *trying to grab the guy's dick while he's at the ATM*
Guy: Hold on, feisty girl!
Guy: *slaps handcuffs on one of her wrists*
Kirara: *looks at the handcuffs* Oh you're into bondage too? NICE
Sango: YOU GET 'IM, RARA! *takes a swig*
Guy: Yeah, I'm kinda into bondage, but that's not gonna affect you.
Kirara, smirking: Why, naughty boy?
Guy, face changes from playful to serious: Because you, ma'am, are under arrest for prostitution, solicitation, and lewd and lascivious behavior!
Sango: *bursts out laughing* OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE
Kirara: *pauses*
Kirara: ...So no anal?
Kagome: Ohmygod. No, Rara, it means you're going to jail because you're a slut. No sex!
Kirara: AW MAN! Damnit, I thought I was gonna get my ass rammed!
Sango: *still cackling on top of the limo, now lying on her back*
Kirara: *gets dragged away in handcuffs, pouting*
Police officer: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you do not have one, one may be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?
Kirara: I understand my right to suck you off, bad boy.
Officer: *shoves her in the cruiser and slams the door* Jesus Christ...
Rin: look! She left all her shopping bags!
Kagome: *jumps off the car and grabs the bags off the ground* Score!
Sango: I'd look inside before you claim those, Kagz
Kagome: *digs out a ridged purple dildo* AH!
Kagome: *sticks it to a white Nissan*
Kid: Mommy, that's a weird front sticker! *points at the bobbing dildo attached to the front of the Nissan*
Kid's mother: *gasps in outrage, yanking the offending object off and shoving it in her purse, belting her child in the backseat, and driving off in the Nissan*
Kagome: ...*bursts out laughing*
Sango: *shouts after her* I know why you kept that, lady! Have fun in the shower! *waves*
Kagome: *cackling in the middle of the road*
Kagome: *springs up suddenly* Hey guys! *super bright eyes* I saw this thing on YouTube where you have a watermelon and bottles of like vodka and shit and you shove the bottles in the watermelon and it absorbs the alcohol and then you can have alcoholic watermelon slices! I've got a few soaking at my house! Wanna go later?
Sango: that sounds tasty...we'd better bring them to my house though, I'm gonna pass out eventually
Kagome: Kay! *hops back into the limo, bags in hand* DRIVER! TO MY PENTHOUSE!
Driver: *speeds off*
Rin: can I have the watermelon too?
Kagome: ...I guess? Go nuts!
Rin: YAY!
Kagome: Hey! Nuts! *points at a porn star in everything-less chaps*
Sango: *waves vigorously*
Sango: damn, not wearing a shirt is really nice. Don't tell Roku I said that though
Kagome: SHAKE WHAT'CHA DADDY GAVE YA, BITCH! *throws cash into the air at the porn star*
Porn star: *looks up at the cash* OH THANK GOD! NOW I CAN QUIT THIS SHIT AND FOCUS ON CULINARY SCHOOL!
Sango: *keeps giggling*
Rin: *shouts* that's hot!
Kagome: Not what I meant, but okay!
Sango: I WANT VODKA!
Rin: *screeches* VODKAMELON!
Kagome: TO MY HOUSE!
Narrator: at the penthouse!
Kagome: *aggressively lighting her kitchen sink on fire* BURN DAMNIT
Sango: *still shirtless* do you ever talk to your neighbors?
Kagome: *pauses* Not really
Rin: they're probably afraid of the naked drunk woman on the top floor
Kagome: She's only half naked.
Sango: ...she was talking about you. Are you saying there's another naked drunk woman who lives here?
Kagome: You're topless, asshat. I still have my meager clothes ON.
Kagome: But yes, she's plastered and I'm well on my way to it because I brush my teeth with scotch and I drink my vodka with coffee
Rin: Isn't there a song that goes like that?
Kagome: The fuck there is
Narrator: Two minutes and a Google search later
Kagome: Huh. So there IS a song about brushing your teeth with alcohol.
Kagome: I was doing it first though. Fuck you
Rin: don't talk to Ke$ha like that you whore!
Kagome: She's fucked a ghost. I have not and I have no intention to either
Kagome: Didn't she sneak into someone's house to give them her demo?
Rin: she's such a goddess...
Kagome: Sureeee
Sango: *giggles* Rin's role models show a lot about her
Sango: so where's the vodkamelon?!
Kagome: *opens fridge* Here. *shoves a plastic wrapped vodkamelon in Sango and Rin's arms, carrying one herself and shutting the fridge with her heel* Let's fucking go.
Rin: YAY *races downstairs*
Kagome: Hurry. I wanna get more drunk than I am. I'm only barely tipsy.
Kagome: *drags Sango to the elevator and speeds down, arriving before Rin* Driver! Back to Sango's house!
Rin: DRIVER! PUT KE$HA ON
Kagome: FUCK YOU! Driver, put on The Offspring! Don't listen to Miss Jailbait!
Rin: Sangooooo! Pleeeeease!
Kagome: Don't cave, Sango!
Sango: sorry, Rin...I prefer rock
Kagome: YESS
Driver: *selects The OffspringYou're Gonna Go Far, Kid*
Kagome: Show me how to lie! You're getting better all the time!
Sango: *climbs up through the skylight and holds the watermelon up in the air* LOOK AT MY MELONS!
Kagome: *stops singing* No! You're gonna drop it!
Sango: I have an iron grip, biatch!
Kagome: The fuck you do!
Sango: *the melon nearly flies out of her hands and she hugs it tightly* mayhaps!
Rin: *practically salivating* VÖDKÄMËLÖN
Kagome: Vodkamelon! Driver! HURRY!
Kagome: I can just send any police officer that pulls us over to another dimension!
Sango: *from the roof* please don't!
Rin: *starts speaking in dual voices* VÖDKÄMËLÖN VÖDKÄMËLÖN VÖDKÄMËLÖN
Kagome: *starts growling in tongues* VODKAMELON
Sango: DRIVER, STEP ON IT
Driver: *speeds up, anything to get away from these nutjobs*
Kagome: Sango get down, we're almost there! You're gonna go flying out the sunroof.
Kagome: *groans as she hears the whine of police sirens* Fuck! Don't worry, driver man. I'll just send them to another dimension...
Sango: *drops back into the vehicle* because now is such a great time to test out your abilities...
Kagome: It is!
Police officer: *strolls up to the driver's window*
Kagome: *whispering* He's so fat...and he's got doughnut crusts in his beard
Kagome: *swallows down her disgust and exits the limo with a bright grin* Hello, Officer~ *hides a shiver as she purrs*
Sango and Rin: *watching giddily from the window
Officer: *swallows thickly* H-Hello, ma'am
Kagome: *sighs and keeps one hand behind her back to secretly prepare a portal* How can we help you today?
Driver: *quietly getting angry but too afraid to step in*
Officer: W-well, I've pulled you over because you were speeding
Kagome: *pouts* Aww, I'm so sorry! I didn't know. It's my best friend's bachelorette party tonight, and we're goin back to her place to have some drinks. We hired a limo to drive us because we know drinking while driving is highly irresponsible
Officer: *gulps as she adjusts her bikini strap, making her chest bounce*
Rin: *whispers* why is she flirting? Just kill him already!
Sango: shhhh, that's just...how Kagome does things
Kagome: I'll do anything so we don't get a ticket. Please? *portal is ready and she smiles*
Officer: I'm s-sorry, ma'am, but I will have to give you a ticket
Kagome: *smile drops and she stares him down coldly indifferent* Oh, okay. *pushes him into the portal*
Kagome: *turns to the driver, all smiles* Time to go! *hops back in the back*
Sango and Rin: *erupt into applause*
Kagome: *bends at the waist into a bow several times* Thank you, thank you!
Sango: NOW LET'S FUCKIN GO!
Kagome: Driver!
Driver: *angrily pulls away*
Narrator: They fucking arrive at Sango's house and they pay the driver before he speeds off*
Kagome: Man, what a cunt.
Sango: hey cut him some slack, he was speeding for us!
Kagome: So? If I weren't drunk, I'd have been speeding myself
Kagome: *breaks the fourth wall* Don't drink and drive, kids.
Rin: Who are you talking to?
Sango: I think she's more drunk than she's letting on. Now time for VODKAMELON!
Kagome: *kicks Sango's door open* TO THE KITCHEN
Sango: be careful with my kitchen, for fuck's sake
Kagome: *grabs the biggest fucking knife she can find and starts slicing the vodkamelon into slices big enough for them to eat*
Kagome: *classily presents the vodkamelon slices* Bon appetit
Rin: *now suddenly wearing a swimsuit, grabs a slice and starts gnawing on it*
Sango: *about to ask about the swimsuit but sees how covered in juice she is already and understands*
Kagome: *magically adds a fruit hat to her head* MWUAHAHAHAA
Sango: *quietly eating, faster than she seems* oh fuck hell yeah Miss Bitch! Rockin' idea!
Kagome: *bows once again* Hahaha!
Kagome: Hey! We should make grilled cheese and watch shitty internet videos!
Kagome: *runs back to the kitchen*
Rin: *has carved a Greek-esque statue of a naked woman into one of the melons*
Kagome: Nice! Sango, where's your pans?
Sango: *looks up from her sixth slice* huh? Why?
Kagome: Because grilled cheese
Sango: oooooh *grabs a huge pan from on top of the fridge* go ham
Kagome: I will! *devilish grin*
Sango: actually, divide that by two
Kagome: What do you mean, divide it?
Sango: the ham. The madness. Do half as much as you planned damnit, and don't set my house on fire
Kagome: I won't set your fucking house on fire
Kagome: Gimme like fifteen-twenty minutes.
Narrator: Fifteen to twenty minutes later
Sango: *from the living room, where she's lying sideways on the couch with her feet dangling off the side* how's it going in there Kagome?
Kagome: Almost done!
Sango: my kitchen still in one piece?
Kagome: Yup!
Kagome: *brings out a wide plate stacked high with grilled cheese* I used a portal to go to the nearest grocery store and pretty much bought them out of cheese, butter and bread...
Kagome: Cause Sango didn't have enough.
Sango: *sits up criss-cross applesauce* damn, Kagome! This is great for a late night! *starts munching*
Rin: *covered in watermelon juice*
Kagome: Go shower, Rin!
Rin: *shrugs* I don't mind being sticky
Kagome: Fine, stay sticky for all I care *grabs two sandwiches and bites into them at once*
Sango: what time is it, anyway?
Kagome: Like...ten thirty
Sango: really?! I could've sworn it was like...two
Kagome: *points outside* So did I. Apparently that Google search was longer than we thought...
Sango: I'm totally wiped *falls onto her back once again*
Kagome: I'm trashed.
Rin: *mouth full, so barely audible* aren't you always
Kagome: Fight me, Magic Man
Sango: I'm just gonna...take a nap right here
Kagome: *staring at Sango's lamp*
Rin: whatcha lookin' at?
Kagome: *doesn't reply, still staring at the lamp*
Sango: *kinda dazed* what's wrong Kagz?
Kagome: Shmaegals
Kagome: *gets up and goes to Sango's kitchen again, bringing a vodkamelon slice with her*
Sango: *sits up* huh?
Rin: *shrugs and stuffs her face with more grilled cheese*
Kagome: *makes a cheesy bagel*
Kagome: Mmmmm...Cheesy bagel..
Sango: HEY! Don't eat all my food!
Kagome: I bought this
Sango: fine...hmm...we need some music
Kagome: Musicssss
Rin: *perks up* Kesha?!
Sango: ALEXA! Play...uh...
Kagome: PLAY COMING FOR YOU BY THE OFFSPRING
Sango: OH FUCK YEAH
Rin: GODDAMNIT!
Kagome: FUCK YEAH
Sango: maybe that Alexa thing isn't so bad after all. Even though Miroku makes it play opera music all the damn time
Kagome: Yashie plays soft rock
Rin: Sesshy only lets me listen to big band stuff from the 1940s...but when he isn't around I play early 2000s pop. I told Jaken that if he ever snitches on me I'll put him through our wood chipper
Kagome: I'd do that too
Sango: *turns on the TV and starts flipping through the channels, eventually coming across the news* holy shit...
Rin: HEY OUR VIDEO WENT VIRAL!
Kagome: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sango: ya know, he really deserves that
Kagome: He does.
Kirara: *kicks the front door open, half naked and steaming angry* You whores! You left my ass behind!
Police officer who arrested her: *stumbles in, also half naked, and covered in lip prints*
Kagome: Well well, had fun, did we?
Officer: *blushes*
Kirara: FUCK YOU! You left me alone, listened to music without me, got pulled over and sent a cop to another dimension, drank copious amounts of fucking booze? All without me? *looks at Sango's coffee table; gasps* And grilled cheese?!
Kagome: I will send YOU to another dimension! Get out of Sango's house before I teleport you to the sun, you half dressed, raging whore
Kirara: Fuck you!
Kirara and kagome: *lunge at each other and begin fighting
Narrator: *dodges glass* Well then. See you next chapter! *winces as three more police officers storm in and separate the two women. Oh and the ones who touch Kagome are immediately portaled to new dimensions*
Rin: *mesmerized, clapping excitedly*
Sango: *passes out on the couch, the grilled cheese in her hand falling to the ground*