Crazy Girls chapter 66: Nonno's no-no's
Miroku: To be honest, Kagome, I didn't think you'd WANT Aiko to get baptized..
Kagome: Joke's on you, I do want her baptized.
Aiko: *strangely calm as she wears a white baptism dress*
Sango: I didn't think you were religious at all. It clearly doesn't show
Miroku: maybe Inuyasha is religious?
Kagome: I keep my religion in my core.
Kirara: Wow, what an opening
Kagome: Shut up, Kirara
Sango: why are we all here, anyway?! Usually baptisms are only for the parents and godparents
Kagome: You're here because I said so
Miroku: we are Aiko's godparents, aren't we?
Sango: but I'm sure Kirara isn't
Some old Italian man: Kagome, my Giovane Stella!
Kagome: *turns around and smiles widely* Nonno!
Sango and Miroku: *share a look*
The old man: How have you been? You have been good, yes?
Kagome: I've been great, Nonno! I'm glad you could be here for her baptism!
Old man: I would not miss this for the world, Stella. *tickles Aiko's chubby baby cheek*
Aiko: *giggles*
Old man's phone: *rings*
Kagome: *watches as the old man's face turns cold and emotionless as he reaches into his pocket and answering the call with a stern word*
Kagome: *sighs noiselessly*
Old man: *gives her an apologetic look as he walks outside, speaking in very stern, very angry Italian*
Miroku: What was that about?
Kagome: Nothing
Miroku: But-
Kagome: *cuts him off with a sickeningly sweet smile* I. Said. It's. Nothing.
Kagome: Okay?
Kirara: quick question, what is that man's...marital status?
Kagome: *frowning* Nonno is married, Kirara.
Kirara: *licks lips* perfect! *runs after him*
Sango: *yells after her* KIRARA! *sighs* MAKE SURE HE WEARS A CONDOM!
Miroku: Sango! We are in a church!
Kagome: *looks both enraged, confused, and offended at the same time* Are you encouraging Kirara to seduce Nonno?!
Sango: I've given up on stopping her...the best I can do is make sure she doesn't get preggo
Some man in the distance: Giovane Stella! *runs up to Kagome and hugs her gently*
Kagome: *turns her attention to the man hugging her* Antonio! I haven't seen you in so long!
Yashie: *watching from the sidelines calmly*
Miroku: Aren't you jealous your wife is getting hugged by numerous men?
Yashie: Nah, I know who they are
Antonio: *lets go of Kagome to give Inuyasha one of those guy hugs* How ya been, man? How's married life treating ya? Been treating our Stella good?
Kagome: *smiling* Tone it down, Tony. Yashie's been a very good husband to me. Thankfully he's kept me from getting into too much trouble.
Kirara: *suddenly behind Antonio and starts playing with her hair, purring*
Kagome: He's married too, stop trying to seduce people.
Antonio: Yeah, I am married. Please stop hanging all over me. I'd rather my wife not cut my balls off tonight.
Kirara: cut your balls off? Tell me more
Kagome: I get it, Tony. Kirara, off. Now. Don't make me cut YOU.
Kirara: *spots Nonno coming back inside and runs over to him* Nonno! Let me touch your hairy chest!
Nonno: DEVIL WOMAN!
Kagome: Oh for the love of all that's holy…
Kagome: Kirara, if you can't keep your idiot sexual urges inside your disease-ridden Glinda of the North, I suggest you LEAVE!
Kirara: hey, you two wanna have a threesome? I'm VERY good at multitasking
Kagome: KIRARA, LEAVE!
Kagome: Do not make me have you escorted out.
Kirara: Oh, you know you love me
Kagome: No, no I don't
Kirara: Don't you wanna have a threeway with me, Nonno and Tony?
Kagome: Kirara, I would rather take a milk carton up the rectum.
Kagome: Now leave this church or so help me, I will hurt you.
Sango: *sighs and whispers to herself* this will be over soon, just get through it
Kirara: *looks at Miroku and raises eyebrows* how bout you, sutra boy? Care to exorcise me?
Miroku: *jumps behind Sango* protect me!
Kagome: Kirara!
Kagome: *snaps her fingers and two buff as fucc Italian men wearing suits step up behind her*
Kirara: hey! I have a right to- oooh, your arms are sooo thicc. Are you married?
Kagome: Aldo, Carlo, take her out.
Carlo: Of course.
Aldo and Carlo: *grab Kirara and drag her out of the church while she makes super sexually charged remarks and questions about their marital status*
Sango: ….and this is why Kirara isn't a godparent
Kagome: *miffed* Indeed.
Kagome: Oh look, the priest is here! Let's start this baptism!
Sango: thank god. This shouldn't take long
Kagome, thinking: She's about to get the shock of a lifetime…
Narrator: Two hours later!
Miroku: That was an uncomfortably long baptism…
Kagome: *sighs, tired* Not my fault.
Sango: *stretching* can we go home now?
Kagome: Uhhh...you can change maybe...and then you have to come to my house so we can get a ride to Nonno's vacation house
Miroku: Why?
Kagome: Because Nonno's throwing an after party for Aiko?
Sango: what the hell kind of baptism has an after party?!
Kagome: The kind of baptism my Nonno plans, that's what
Miroku: *wants to ask about the phone call but thinks better of it*
Yashie: *grinning the entire time as he loosens his tie*
Kagome: Now change and get to my house.
Miroku: should I...dress up?
Kagome: Keep it classy. But not pimpy.
Miroku: can I wear purple?
Kagome: A purple dress shirt
Miroku: I was thinking more a purple suit
Kagome: Absolutely not
Miroku: whyyyy!
Sango: love, you look perfectly fine in a regular suit
Kagome: Please just dress normally
Sango: I'll make sure he does. What about me?
Kagome: Anything as long as it's classy.
Sango: okay...we'll see you soon
Kagome: See ya
Narrator: Later, at Kagome's penthouse!
Kagome: *putting on diamond stud earrings*
Miroku, wearing a purple shirt under a gray suit...with a black top hat adorned with a purple feather: *knocks on the door, grinning*
Kagome: *opens the door, frowns immediately and looks to Sango* I thought you said you'd stop him from doing shit like this
Kagome: *presents Yashie who is dressed impeccably in a red dress shirt, a black blazer, dress slacks and black leather loafers* What HE'S wearing is acceptable. Miroku, take the hat off.
Sango: I couldn't talk him out of the hat, I'm sorry.
Miroku: my body, my rules
Kagome: Miroku, you can't come if you don't take that hat off. This is a very...special event.
Yashie: *snickers*
Kagome: Shut up
Sango: *beams* well, I guess we just won't be able to go!
Kagome: No, you're going if I have to commit a felony
Miroku: I refuse to take this hat off
Kagome: Miroku, you will take that hat off or I will drive you to an equestrian farm and leave you there overnight. Understood?
Sango: *links arms with her fiance* don't touch him damnit, the hat stays or we go
Kagome: Fine then, he'll realize soon enough he's an idiot
Sango: I don't think he really minds
Narrator: The Hummer style stretch limo pulls up.
Kagome: *grabs Aiko and Shippo, yanking a shawl on and snatching her purse off the couch*
Kagome: *slides in the limo with Yashie, tugging the skirt of her dress down to her knees*
Miroku: So why are you so adamant about me not wearing my hat and expressing myself?
Kagome: *Shaking her head* You'll see
Narrator: Forty minutes and a long drive into the coast later!
Limo: *pulls up to a sprawling estate with tall gates*
Driver: *opens the door and Yashie steps out, offering his hand to Kagome who takes it and gets out before helping her children out* Hurry up. The walls have eyes, you know.
Sango: *gets out, straightens her boobs, and looks around* what the hell…
Driver, named Cirino: Master Riccardo is expecting you inside, Miss Kagome.
Kagome: Yeah yeah, Cirino. *walks up to the front door where two men stand armed with guns* Kagome and Inuyasha Higurashi with two invites.
The men: *nod and step aside to let them all in*
Kagome: *strides inside with Yashie and they keep a watchful eye on the open French doors around them*
Miroku: *eyes sparkling as he follows his wife through the gates*
Sango: *grabs his hand in her own* don't wander off
Nonno Riccardo: Giovane Stella! *runs to hug Kagome and kiss her cheeks* You're here! *whispers* Were you followed?
Kagome: *smiles and hugs back* I wouldn't miss this for the world. *begins whispering also* Not a chance.
Riccardo: *smiles* Wonderful! *leads the group into a magnificent ballroom decorated immaculately* Everyone, Giovane Stella and baby Catherine Aiko Higurashi have arrived!
Everyone in the room: *bursts into cheers and jubilant laughter*
Miroku: Hey, Kagome, I noticed that Aiko has been...strangely calm today.
Miroku: You know, not burping lightning or belting out Sumerian curses in demonic tongues and all
Kagome: *begins to fidget nervously* Oh, really? Heh, how odd.
Sango: good observation, Miroku… *eyes Kagome suspiciously* something is very odd
Kagome: Odd? Pfttttttttttttttt
Kagome: No no, everything is fine
Sango: yes, everything is fine. Which is weird.
Kagome: It's okay. Nothing's going on. Just fucking sit down
Miroku: what's going on?
Kagome: Nothing! Oh, look, there's our fucking table! Time to sit down!
Miroku: do we get to eat?
Kagome: Yes
Miroku: *shoveling food into his mouth as politely as he can, chews, and swallows* So, Kagome, could you please explain Aiko's uncharacteristic normalcy?
Kagome: Could you please shut the fuck up?
Miroku: *tips his hat at her with a grin* No, I don't think I can. Did you do something with the precious baby?
Aiko: *staring at her top-hatted friend dumbfoundedly*
Kagome: *flinches as Sango and Miroku stare at her in unison*
Kagome, thinking: Shit fuck
Kagome:...I...uhh..I sealed her powers for the day.
Miroku: what
Kagome: I had to, okay?! I couldn't have her burping lightning in the middle of the service and her grandfather freaking the hell out!
Miroku: Still, sealing your own daughter?
Sango: *stopped listening to the conversation a hot minute ago when she noticed all the food being served, particularly the freshly baked bread*
Kagome: Miroku, worry about your own children. *turns away and chokes violently* Oh god damnit.
Miroku: What? *looks around Sango and also chokes violently*
Sango: *turns back to the group* what's wrong?
Kagome: I'm gonna fucking kill her…
Sango: what? Kill who?
Kirara: *skulking around the room like a spy on meth*
Sango: oh, wow, I'm so used to this I hardly noticed
Kirara: *goes up to Riccardo again* Hi, Nonno, wanna ass blast me? *smirky face*
Riccardo: DEVIL WOMAN
Kagome: KIRARA! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS EVENT OR SO HELP ME, YOU WILL NOT HAVE AN ASS FOR ANYONE TO BLAST!
Miroku: you don't care anymore, Sango?
Sango: as long as she isn't going after you
Kagome: *lifts the skirt of her dress and reveals a knife on a holster* Listen baby bitch, you have two fucking seconds to leave this venue before I cut your vagina out and shove it down your throat. And that's the best possible thing that could happen to you tonight for sneaking in here.
Kirara: *winks and scuttles away*
Kagome: *snarls and chases after her, yanking another knife out of her bra* If you see me on the news covered in blood, you'll know what happened.
Sango: I never question it!
Kagome: *screaming as she chases Kirara* GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REALLY DO FEED YOU TO THE DOGS, WHORE! YOUR SKANK ASS IS MINE!
Miroku: Is no one going to worry about the murder Kagome is about to commit?
Sango: she won't kill Kirara, I wouldn't worry about it
Yashie: Nope. Kirara started it, Gome's just fixing it. Not my problem.
Yashie: *casually sips his wine as screams echo through the venue, probably Kirara, followed quickly by Kagome's gleefully maniacal laughter*
Sango: what kind of wine is this?! *takes a chug*
Yashie: Hell if I know. Probably imported.
Sango: *keeps taking tiny sips back to back* it is so good
Riccardo: It's specially ordered from an old friend. He and I used to play a big part in speakeasies in the 20's
Miroku: You had a part in the prohibition?
Riccardo: *laughs but doesn't answer*
Sango: wait, the 20's? That was a hundred years ago
Yashie: What year do you think it IS, Sango?
Sango: it's 2019?
Yashie: ...Is it? *looks around the room*
Tony: *stumbles up, slinging an arm around Yashie* That it is, man. Say, Stella-baby is doing some pretty vi-violent shit to that woman from the service earlier..
Yashie: Yeah, she snuck in. Kagome's teaching her a lesson.
Sango: *leans over to Miroku* these people aren't human, are they
Riccardo: How did you guess? *reveals himself to be a tiger demon* Don't tell Stella, she'll freak out. She also doesn't have to worry about having baby Catherine sealed, I already know about it.
Miroku: ...You knew?!
Tony: Duh. She was acting so skittish, it was hard to pretend we didn't know. Stella sucks at telling lies and hiding secrets.
Sango: *now in alert mode* is everyone here a demon..? How does Kagome not know?
Riccardo: We just didn't tell her.
Miroku: Is it...that simple?
Sango: she can't smell it?
Tony and Riccardo: It's just that simple. Concealment charms. And sometimes she just seems to take things at face value. We also shot the owner of a major breadstick company, so that could be it.
Miroku: there are also a lot of other smells in this room right now. Food, wine, perfume, it'd be easy to hide.
Tony: There ya go!
Miroku: *flinches as Kirara shrieks, running into the room, clothes torn and blood covering every inch of her, scrambling for some place to hide as Kagome's enraged ranting can be heard in the distance*
Sango: *sips wine* she's loving this
Miroku: Kirara or Kagome?
Sango: both, probably
Yashie: Oh, Kagome's definitely having fun. I won't say anything, but she likes to imagine she's a bounty hunter and I'm a dangerous murderer and that she has to find me and kill me.
Sango:...comforting to know that someone has weirder fantasies than Miroku
Miroku: is that comforting?
Tony: Sexy
Yashie: *ducks down as Kirara sails over their heads, straight out the open French doors* And I believe that's the end of that.
Kirara: *winks directly at Nonno while in the air*
Sango: *continues sipping wine, giggling*
Kagome: *panting harshly as she plops down in her chair, dress torn and hair mussed* Fucking bitch.
Sango: so when's dinner?
Kagome: *panting as she steals Yashie's wine glass and downs it in one go* Five...more...minutes…
Tony: *smirking* Have fun, Stella-baby?
Kagome: *nods while she tries to regulate her breathing*
Kirara: *races back inside*
Kagome: *instantly looks back up, positively enraged* WOMAN, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! *grabs a knife off the table*
Kirara: SHUT THE FUCK UP! THE PLACE IS SURROUNDED BY COPS!
Kagome: *pauses* FUCK! EVERYONE, PLAN T!
Narrator: Miroku and Sango watch calmly as the room erupts into chaos all at once
Miroku: *looks at Kagome who pulls a rifle out of the front of her dress, not even bothering to wonder how she got it in there* What's Plan T?
Kagome: *grins like an absolutely deranged woman* Take 'em by storm. *cocks the gun* My name's Bones Malone and these are the spooky boys! RATTLE 'EM, BOYS!
Sango: they're...demons...can't they just kill everyone easily?
Miroku: *looks at her surprised* you're supporting chaos caused by demons?
Sango: no, I'm just saying it'd be easy to solve. And I just don't want to get arrested.
Tony: *loads a shotgun with a cold look* You Youngbloods may wanna hide for now.
Riccardo: *puts foot on a chair, hiking his pant leg up, and grabs a pistol from his sock garter*
Sango: why do you need guns?! Use magic!
Kagome: Well...the chief of police sort of has a thing that apparently renders magic useless unless imbued into something else, *holds up her gun*, like a bullet.
Sango: the chief of police knows magic?!
Kagome: Yeah….I accidentally magic-nuked his car a while ago and now he's done his best to learn everything about magic so he can have me get ass blasted in prison. Which will never happen.
Sango: that's...so unsettling...but okay what should we do?
Miroku: Duck and cover?
Kagome: That's a wise decision, babycakes
Sango: how old is this house?
Miroku: *chokes violently and shivers* Please. Please don't EVER call me that again.
Kagome: It isn't that old. It can take some damage.
Sango: damnit, I was gonna look for secret passages
Kagome: Oh we have plenty of those. Look under your seat.
Sango: *finds a trapdoor beneath her* OH HELL YEAH! *flips it open*
Miroku: are you sure about that?
Kagome: It's perfectly fine. Be glad you went in that one. The one under Veronica leads to the tiger pit.
Sango: *pulls Miroku down into the floor* COME ON IT'S FINE
Miroku: *feels like Arnold from the Magic School Bus*
Miroku: *shuddering in horror, muttering about a female Naraku and black and white and a tattooed Kagome*
Sango: THERE'S A WHOLE HALLWAY DOWN HERE *disappears with Miroku out of Kagome's earshot*
Kagome: Well now that that's over with… *points gun at the open French doors with a wide ass grin* SUCK ON THIS CHIEF